Animal Control (2023) s01e02 Episode Script

1
♪
What is gout?
Are you a 15th century British monarch?
- No.
- You don't have it.
Hmm.
God, there's like 5,000 questions.
You're a city employee now.
Half your life is gonna be
paperwork, congrats.
Hey, is it okay if I put you
down as my emergency contact?
Well, since I'm the guy
most likely to harm you,
it seems like a conflict of interest.
[DISPATCH] Truck 12. Resident
reporting problem with rabbits.
907 Maple Lane.
Question, have subjects
been observed as wascaly?
[CHUCKLES]
[DISPATCH] Are you going or not?
Yes. We'll hop right on over.
That's it, get out.
What?
We talked about this,
two lame jokes before coffee, get out.
[SHRED] Wait, really?
You were serious about that?
As a heart attack.
Hey. Come on.
You're taking this too far, Frank.
You can come back! I learned my lesson!
No jokes before coffee!
[THEME SONG]
So, I've been micro-dosing
mushrooms for anxiety
but my rabbits have gotten
into my special chocolate bars.
Oh, that was faster than I thought.
This gentleman's bunnies ate his drugs.
They've been acting really aggressive.
They look pretty chill to me.
Yeah, but in a circling the
wagon conspiratorial sort of way.
Look at them. Plotting something evil.
Okay. So the rabbits
are handling their high
better than their owner,
but sure, we'll take them in
for observation.
Hey hippies!
Sorry, summer of love is over.
Time to sleep it off downtown.
[FRANK] What is happening?
- Hey! Ow!
- [RABBITS SQUEALING]
Jeez! My God! Come on! Ow!
Retreat, retreat! Jeez!
I told you, they're in
a very bad headspace.
[FRANK] What the hell did you
put in that chocolate?
I used to be a cop.
I busted international crime rings.
And I'm getting
- Hey.
- I thought you were brave.
You guys know about this
taco truck up the street?
The breakfast burritos four stars.
What's up with the first-aid kit?
It's, uh, killer bunnies
on recreational drugs, bro.
Really? What kind?
You know, like, basic,
floppy-eared, fluffy.
No, no, the drugs. What kinds of drugs?
It's like psychedelic mushrooms.
The homeowner makes his own chocolates.
Really? Did he mention
if it was straight
or if it was cut with
purity-tested MDMA?
Did he mention that?
Look, this isn't Bonnaroo.
These rabbits are higher
than my uncle at Thanksgiving
and they're calling the shots.
Everybody relax, okay?
I got a couple rabbits at home.
I speak fluent bunny.
I mean, you might wanna film this.
Could be a valuable teaching tool.
Hey guys. How are you doing?
You know I have two rabbits
at home, Snowball and Batman.
Yeah, we let the kids name them.
And they are just as cute
and adorable
as you, uh-huh.
That Phyllis, she's the mama.
Oh, aren't you a little love muffin?
[CHITTERS]
[SCREAMS]
Oh! Get off me, you mangy bitch!
Hey Shred, you're always trying
to be smarter.
Look up "hoisted on one's own petard"
and it will literally be
a picture of this.
Argh!
Uh, should we call for backup?
Bunny backup?
Dude, do you have any idea
of the ridicule
that will come our way?
No. We got this.
Cuddle time is over.
[HEROIC MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
Hey. So, we're gonna need to
collect the medicated chocolate
for our vet so she can calibrate
an overdose treatment.
Right, of course. Anything to help.
And, um, look, I know I shouldn't
be messing around with drugs.
I'm gonna turn over
a new leaf right now.
Yeah. Drugs are bad.
Uh, make sure you get all of them.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
No, I'm not. Not even a little bit.
I suspect his bars
contain psilocybin and 2CB.
That combination is known
to give you orgasms
and make you feel like you've
been launched into outer space.
And rabbits have no business
experiencing pleasure like that.
Okay. Just remember, you promised
to watch the kids this weekend, okay?
And they're very excited,
they picked out a movie
and everything, Freaky Friday.
It's a silly premise but, uh, the
emotion really sneaks up on you.
- Yeah. I
- It does.
- I will be there.
- Okay.
The chocolates are for tonight.
Do you remember that guy
I met in Costa Rica?
Yeah. The the yogi or the surfer?
The yogi. So, he's in town,
but he's only free for one night.
Mmhmm.
He's really flexible.
Just, like not with his time.
Right.
Anyway, what are you guys up to
for your big date?
Oh, we're actually gonna go eat
Swedish meatballs at Ikea.
And test out futons.
I know it sounds pathetic
but I'm actually really excited.
Maya and I, we haven't been
alone together in, like, months.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Don't be insulted but I'm so
glad I don't have your life.
Well, you're tempting fate
'cause we could end up
accidentally eating
magic fortune cookies
and end up switching places.
Is that what happens in the movie?
I don't wanna ruin it for you.
You just did like like you
told me the ending.
Maybe I didn't though.
- Or maybe I did.
- Huh.
Oh, at least it's donut Wednesday.
What abomination is this?
Who's day is it? I want answers.
I want revenge.
Okay. But is it okay
if I have some jicama?
'Cause I love jicama.
No. I want revenge. Shout it with me.
- Revenge!
- Revenge!
Revenge!
You make it sound playful.
Put some fury behind it.
- Revenge!
- Revenge!
- Revenge!
- Revenge!
Revenge!
[WHISPERS] Shh! I'm on the phone
with my daughter's teacher.
There's been a horrible accident,
I gotta call you back.
Revenge.
- Revenge!
- Revenge!
- Revenge!
- Revenge!
Okay, I proudly take responsibility.
Donut Wednesday, Delores.
It's a sacred tradition.
Handed down to us by the Romans.
You defiled this holy tabernacle
with your cru d'été.
This is our tabernacle, Delores.
Okay. This office has a serious case
of the late morning sugar blues
and someone had to intervene.
How dare you act unilaterally.
It's America. It's donuts.
Shred, throw that away.
- Oh, come on.
- Throw it away.
- It's just a jicama stick.
- Throw it away. Spit it out.
This is very disappointing.
How's my favorite
under-performing precinct doing?
Oh, you sad, sad man.
You drove across town just to
make fun of us for the rabbits.
What rabbits? I didn't
hear anything about rabbits.
Ha! Because there were no rabbits.
Hey Emily. Got your speech ready?
Who told you about that?
She's giving the keynote
at the AACL luncheon today.
Whoa. I don't know what
it stands for but congrats.
Why didn't you tell us?
I I just get a little nervous
so I just wanted to keep it
under the radar.
That's why I'm here.
I spoke last year and,
whoo stressful.
And I know how much you hate
public speaking, so
Yeah, but I've been practicing
so I think I'll be good.
Of course.
No worry, it's just a couple
hundred people in the audience.
- And, uh
- Uh-huh.
They film it and post it
on their website
and it's up there forever.
So, nobody looks at it.
[WHISPERS] Yes, they do.
I watched your speech, Templeton.
- Several times, so funny.
- Big fan.
What kind of truck does a pig drive?
A hambulance.
Ah, that line killed.
[LAUGHS]
Anyway, uh, happy to step in for you
and I promise you the audience
will not be disappointed.
Thank you so much.
Uh, but shouldn't you be
on patrol or something?
Heading out now.
Oh! What's that?
Looks like I have an email
that is stuck in my outbox.
- Boom!
- [PHONE ALERTS CHIMING]
Fixed it. Enjoy.
A gleefully vindictive message
from Officer Templeton Dutch.
That jerk got a hold of
our body-cam footage.
Oh, he did know about the rabbits.
[FRANK] Ugh.
[DELORES] Look at you guys running away
from the li'l rabbits!
We were regrouping!
Are you are you
are you kidding me?!
What what are these, green peppers?!
Okay. I support healthy choices,
Delores,
but it is donut Wednesday.
I am stressed and I need sugar
so you need to fix this.
Revenge!
[ALL IN UNISON] Revenge!
[EMILY ATTEMPTING TO BREATHE CALMLY]
Hey. Hey.
Try not to let Templeton
get in your head.
Oh yeah, uh, too late.
Uh, he is he is in there.
Okay, listen.
I used to get really nervous
before big competitions.
Like, it got bad.
So I remember my coach hooked me
up with this sports psychologist
who gave me some cool
relaxation techniques.
If you wanna try.
Okay.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, okay.
'Cause my heart is um
really pounding.
Okay. Um, so, close your eyes.
Yeah.
Take a deep breath and imagine
yourself on a mountain.
Now, you're about to start a race
against this big-ass Swiss dude.
Wait. No. Sorry.
Visualize yourself giving the speech.
Confident, calm, looking
super fly in your business suit
and the crowd is loving it.
They're chanting your name.
Emily! Emily! Emily!
Well, it's a professional conference
so there's not really
a whole lot of chanting.
No chanting?
- No.
- That's too bad.
Okay. Then just visualize yourself
absolutely crushing the speech.
Okay.
How's your heart rate?
It is actually better. [LAUGHS]
You're gonna medal for sure.
Oh, um remind me.
In my outfit you said I looked, um
Super fly.
Super fly. Right, okay.
♪
[SHRED] Okay. Only one
big question left.
Who's going to step up
and be my emergency contact?
Don't you have family you can ask?
My dad died and my mom moved to Florida.
But she's got a sweet condo on the beach
and she says any time I wanna
bring down my emergency contact
for a little sand and sea,
she has a room waiting.
Oh. Well, I hope you and that
guy without boundaries
have fun with your mom.
No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Guys, who ate one of my chocolate bars?
There were three and now there's two.
And they were hidden way at the back
with my frickin' name on it.
If your name's on it, that's sacrosanct.
You can look that word up, Shred.
[WHISPERS] Sacrosanct
Although I did eat Patel's
ice cream bar.
What? I was saving that
for my end of the week treat!
Oh, you were intolerable yesterday.
It demanded a response.
Why? Because I said the Mariners
don't have a shot this year?
Say it again and you can kiss
your tuna sandwich goodbye.
The Mariners don't have
a shot this year.
Oh, that tuna sandwich is gonna taste
The Mariners don't have a shot.
The Mariners don't have a shot
Okay, I think we're done here.
I need to know who ate my chocolate bar.
Shred, check the waste baskets now.
Thanks. Great.
Uh, those chocolate bars were laced
with high-grade hallucinogenics.
Have you seen double rainbow?
Someone's about to be 10 times
more like that guy
than that guy was.
Hey. Did Emily make it back?
Uh I'm not sure.
I was gonna give her a ride
but she ran off after her presentation.
Um can this wait?
It's just, we're in the middle
of a bit of a crisis.
It's just weird because
her speech went so well.
She was funny, talking off the cuff
she even sang at one point.
Oh God.
Emily ate the chocolate.
All of it?
It looks that way, yeah.
Code red.
My thin mints are missing,
gone without a trace.
She's binging.
Actually, I threw the cookies out.
You'll thank me later.
Actually, I will not thank you.
I will not thank you, Delores!
I want my own refrigerator. 'Kay?
Delores, I want my own refrigerator!
So, who's your emergency contact?
My father.
Aww, I didn't know you were
close with your dad.
We're not. I hate that son of a bitch.
Then why did you choose him?
Well, if something happens
to me, he's on the hook.
With any luck, I'll be a
vegetable requiring 24-hour care.
That makes me sad, bro.
My dad was my best friend.
Yeah, of course he was.
My only regret is I never got to
tell him how much he meant to me.
I mean, he probably knew because
I told him I loved him every day.
Except when my phone died,
which happened a lot when I was
competing in Europe
'cause I didn't have the right plugs.
Point is don't leave things unsaid.
Call your dad.
You know, they make those three-in-one
adapters. They have for years.
Really?
Now I have two regrets.
[DISPATCH] Truck 12. Pet python
escaped its enclosure.
7276 South Kenwood.
And get this. It's JT Wallace's house.
Holy crap. JT Wallace.
Oh, who's that?
Are you serious?
The wide receiver for the Seahawks?
In what world could I have been
your emergency contact?
Get out.
[SHRED] What, really?
We're doing this again?
I'm not I can't even look at you.
Don't look at me!
[VICTORIA] How the hell
are we gonna find her?
I don't know. It's just like
looking for someone's lost mutt.
Oh, so we put out some beef
strips and stand behind a bush?
I know you're kidding
but do you have beef strips?
Everything I was gonna eat today
got senselessly ripped away from me.
No. I don't eat gassy foods on sex days.
Ooh, how's it going
with the yogi by the way?
Do you like him?
As a person?
He's done so much healing
he's healed himself right out of
an actual personality.
But in bed, and I say this as someone
with a sufficiently large sample pool,
- Mmmhmm.
- Uh, he's detail-oriented.
Hmm.
I used to be detail-oriented.
That was before I was tired
all the time.
Maybe you should try some of this.
- No.
- I'll give you a little.
No. I can't eat that.
Yes, you can. Give it a shot.
It makes everything feel amazing
and you're not really doing
anything different.
It's almost like cheating.
My life's not built for that.
Every night I'm taking a kid to the ER.
Or talking another one down
from a nightmare.
Last night it was global warming.
I can't discuss polar ice caps
all high and horny.
Oh, my God. Is that Emily?
[CHEERING]
[CHANTING] Emily! Emily! Emily! Emily!
Even Seahawk colors.
Sheesh. You almost beat me.
Yeah. Asher knows all the shortcuts.
Hey, good luck
with your girlfriend, buddy.
I sincerely hope everything works out.
[GIRLFRIEND] Thank God
you're here. Hurry!
He was cleaning the cage.
Holy crap.
It's huge.
Frank, have you ever dealt with
something like this before?
No. And I can't tell you how much,
but something that's not nothing
just slipped out of me
and into my underwear.
It's getting tighter.
Just remain calm, we're gonna
unwind it from you.
Shred, grab the head.
I'm not grabbing the head, man.
It's scary and gross.
The Seahawks have a very shallow
depth chart,
- now grab the head.
- I'm not touching that thing.
I was led to believe
this job was mostly dogs.
Help him!
This thing is super strong.
Grab something, Shred.
Okay. But I'm closing my eyes.
Is this a bad time to tell you
that I'm a big fan?
[JT] Yes.
Okay. Well, it would just seem phony
if I didn't say anything, right?
Listen, man, you get this thing off me,
I'll sign anything you want.
Really? How about a football?
- Yes.
- How about a jersey?
- Yes.
- A helmet?
Yes.
What about one of those
breast cancer awareness hats
- Anything!
- That are collectible.
[GASPS]
Yeah. I thought I was gonna die.
[GROANING] Okay, yeah, yeah
Oh, my God. It's on me now.
If I don't make it beat the Rams.
[VICTORIA] Oh, my god.
Emily! Hey! How's it going, girl?
Oh, man. You are really good out there.
What'd you play in high school?
- Yeah.
- What are you guys doing here?
Uh, we, we just, uh
we just came to take you back
to the office.
To the office.
Oh. No. I'm not going back.
Yeah. I'm I'm never going back.
Bye!
Oh, I hate running.
- Emily! Emily!
- Emily!
My god, she's out of control.
[PATEL] Hello! Emily! Slow down!
Stop guys!
Guys, guys, stop her!
Whoo! My whole body's buzzing.
I've never felt more alive!
Dude, that snake had plans for you.
A brush with death and an
encounter with a world-class athlete.
Okay. That's obviously
a little bit hurtful.
I came in 7th at Pyeongchang
but I know it's a niche sport.
Listen, don't get needy but
you were pretty good back there.
- Really?
- You're already being needy.
I won't say another word.
Except that after this,
I can't imagine being in battle
with anyone else.
Snake brothers forever!
Oh, 100 percent did this to myself.
- Again?
- Give me those forms.
- What? What did I do?
- Give me those forms.
- You'll be my emergency contact?
- Give them to me.
Don't get hurt 'cause I'm
pulling the plug for anything.
Ooooh!
Alright!
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
[EMILY] I'm finally coming out
of my cocoon!
[VICTORIA] You're high on drugs!
No, I'm high on life!
[VICTORIA] Life can't do that,
that's why we have drugs.
- [EMILY] Ah!
- [VICTORIA] Yes!
[VICTORIA] No, No.
Oh, here we go.
I mean, I went to Vienna once
but I mostly just stayed in the hotel.
Like, what was I afraid of?
Mmhmm. I can't do this anymore.
I am afraid of so many things.
- What does that mean?
- You can go.
This is my fault anyway and I've
done this, like, a hundred times.
Listen, if you need anything,
anything at all,
just don't call me.
Bye Emily.
Oh, bye-whoa, you have gorgeous teeth.
[LAUGHING] Thank you. Okay.
Wait. Did you know I can name
every country in South America?
No, I didn't.
- Okay. Um, I can.
- Okay.
- Venezuela.
- Yeah.
- Ecuador.
- I deserve this.
Colombia, Paraguay.
[KNOCKING]
Oh, look what the cat dragged in.
It's nice to see you too, Dad.
Look, um I had a near-death
experience today
and, I don't know, I don't wanna
die with things left unsaid.
I'm listening.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know
that you're a terrible father
who never had my back and
I want you to rot in hell.
So that's it. Those are the two items.
Well look, uh you came this far,
at least come in and have a beer.
Did you just hear what I said?
Yeah. Bad father and, uh
the rotting thing.
You want a beer or not?
What kind you got?
Rainier. I've been drinking
the same beer since I was 12.
You too good for Rainier now?
I've always been too good for Rainier.
What are you, like, 100 now?
French Guyana. Regular Guyana. Chile.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Argentina.
- Hang on, I have to get that.
Wait. No, please don't leave me.
No, you'll be fine. You'll be fine.
Eat your cereal.
Sorry, I don't have any milk.
I know it's dry.
Hi.
I'm so happy to see you.
Yeah, you too.
As a tantric exercise I've
abstained from sex for three months.
I intend to focus all that
stored-up energy on you.
[EMILY] Suriname! I forgot Suriname.
- Uh
- Who's that?
Is she going to participate
or just watch?
No. There was an office fridge mix up
and now she's in another dimension.
Uh I'm gonna have to stay
here and take care of her.
But when she comes down
I could text you.
Three months is a really long time
and I have a few other friends
in Seattle.
But I'll be back in August.
Bye Victoria.
'Kay. Bye. Cool.
- Can I tell you something?
- Yeah. Of course.
I only got my job because of
connections in the mayor's office, so
I don't deserve it, I'm a fraud.
That's not true.
That's the drugs talking.
Everyone thinks you're great.
- Really?
- Yeah. You're great.
You're my best friend.
Oh, okay. That's that's really nice.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hang on.
- Hello?
- Oh, you were right.
These chocolates are a game-changer.
Maya called her mom,
she picked up the kids,
we got the whole night to ourselves.
Wait. Are you seriously
calling me post sex?
Yeah, post. Pre. Pre-pre.
You never know.
Oh, Victoria, you're gonna need
to hold me.
I'm starting to panic
about climate change.
Oh, my God. We ate the fortune cookies.
Oh, and they were mighty delicious.
Freaky Friday baby!
- [EMILY] Always count on me ♪
- Oh boy.
[EMILY] Hello Mister Mayor.
Keep turning, oh, keep smiling, ♪
Knowing you can always count on me ♪
Everybody! For sure! ♪
Oh, I'm going really,
really wide with this.
That's what friends are for ♪
Adopt these dogs!