Animal Practice (2012) s01e02 Episode Script

Ooh, you make me live whatever this world can give to me it's you, you're all I see ooh, you make me live now, honey ooh, you make me live Oh, you're the best friend that I ever had I been with you such a long time you're my sunshine, and I want you to know that my feelings are true - I really love you - Ooh oh, you're my best friend Every morning.
Oh-oh! - There we go.
- Oh, what? You cannot beat me 'cause you're top-heavy.
Must be hard for you with your tiny hands, Yamamoto.
These are regulation-size hands.
- Oh! - Oh! That is not fair! I was showing you my tiny-- my regulation-size hands.
Hey, guys, I just want to remind you that your-- Ohh! I love foosball.
Can I play? I wouldn't challenge Juanita, Ms.
Crane.
She won the tournament at the Snake Pit last night.
- What! - The Snake Pit? It's a dive bar we go to.
On Monday nights, we do Papa Smurf shots.
I got totally smurfed up.
Oh.
So you guys went out, huh? We were gonna ask you, but No, no, no, no, no, it's okay.
It's okay.
Yeah, I had plans.
I went to see Cindy Sherman at MOMA.
I had not one, but two glasses of cab, and I had these, like, insane zucchini fries.
They were mind-blowing But I would have definitely been into going to the Snake Pit too.
You know, if it worked out.
Oh-- spin shot! My eye! Hope you're happy.
That was his favorite eye.
You know what? Now is not the time.
No, it's the perfect time, 'cause he just walked by and tried to glare at you.
- Let me see your tongue.
- Why? It's not blue.
Last night, the entire staff went out and they had smurf drinks and they didn't invite us.
No, no, I was-- I was invited.
I just had better things to do.
Well, I wasn't invited.
Oh, how do you do it? How do you repel them? Because seriously, I'm running out of excuses.
Last week, I told them that I had to go to bagel night.
I don't kn-- do-- uh, what is that? I don't get it.
I mean, I'm a fun person.
Everyone likes me.
Why don't they like me? Oh, God, you still have that thing about being liked.
Yes, George, I'm sorry if I would like to have some non-monkey friends.
And I will have you know that in high school, I was voted runner-up to "most popular.
" Look, sometimes people don't like other people for no reason.
I'm gonna tell you something that I never told you.
Do you remember my cousin, Sam? - He doesn't like you? - No, he didn't like you.
But for no reason at all.
I'm sorry, is that supposed to make me feel better? Think of the staff as timber wolves.
They're never gonna let you into their pack until you find an in with them.
How would a new timber wolf find an in? It would offer them a carcass.
So find your carcass, Dorothy.
Of course, sometimes they just kill the new wolf and eat that, but good luck.
Excuse me.
George, George-- Hey! George, George-- um, I-I need your help.
Well, uh, first of all, I'd suggest a looser pant.
Although the headband does say, "Take me seriously.
" No, no, it's uh-- it's my dog, it's Little Miss Can't Be Wrong.
Great dog, terrible name.
Yes, I'm listening.
Okay, well, we were in the park, we were playing frisbee, and-- and she went up for one, landed weird, and now her abdomen is all swollen.
I think it's her spleen.
- Frisbee, the deadliest fetch.
- Yeah.
- Let's take a look.
- Okay, thank you.
How we doing, girl? Looks like a hemoabdomen, likely due to traumatic splenic rupture.
Okay, how are her vitals? Currently stable.
Good.
I'll keep monitoring her, and do the surgery on Tuesday-- uh, Thursday.
Uh, today's Tuesday.
Right? Isn't it? Man, it is hot in here.
Whew.
You know, Doug, very few vets are capable of operating on their own pets.
You sure you're okay to do the surgery? Absolutely.
I'm looking forward to it.
You're looking forward to performing invasive surgery on your dog? No.
I meant I'm looking forward to this old girl getting better.
That's what I meant, okay? I am-- I am fine, dude.
I'm fine.
Man, is it hot in here? It is, right? I need a sweatband for my sweatband.
Oh I highly recommend the deluxe treatment.
We're talking nail grinding, ear build-up removal, and a flea and tick shampoo.
I give it to myself once a month.
Okay, let's go with that.
Great, you can pick Pinky up on Thursday.
Did you train him to draw? Who, Dr.
Rizzo? Oh, no, he just likes to doodle.
I did teach him how to tebow.
Well, I have a gallery downtown, and animal art is trending right now.
There's an Indian elephant named Kamal who sells paintings he made with his trunk for $5,000 apiece.
That's a lot of peanuts.
If your monkey can work on canvas, I'd be willing to take a look.
Great.
I could use a little extra cash.
I need to get a new taser.
After 1,000 tazes, it sort of loses its zing.
I didn't feel anything.
This is dumb.
- It won't prove anything.
- Sure it will.
It'll prove whether or not you're too nervous to operate on your own dog.
Now, pull out that funny bone without buzzing - and I'll know you're okay.
- This is ridiculous.
This game is for three-year-olds.
Wrong.
It's fun for all ages.
Now operate.
Piece of cake.
Here we go.
And you just killed your dog.
Damn it.
I got this.
Killed your dog.
Killed your dog.
Killed your dog.
Killed your dog.
Killed your dog.
God! I can-- I can do this! Don't be a hero.
You're too emotional, you always have been.
Remember a year ago, when I caught you crying under your desk for no reason? I explained that.
You said, "Respect the cry cave, brah.
" George Will you do the surgery on Little Miss? - Good choice, Doug.
- Thank you.
Killed your dog.
- What's all this? - Ta-da! It's a juice break! I figured since I didn't get to hang out with you guys at the bar last night, we could have our own little bar right here at work.
Sweet.
Where's the vodka? Oh-uh, no.
No alcohol, 'cause you can't drink at work.
Is that a new policy? Anyway, you pick your favorite fruit and vegetable, pop it into this baby, and you enjoy.
I even got squiggle straws.
I love squiggle straws.
They're so unconventional.
Well, here, you wanna try some beet juice? It's full of antioxidants.
See, isn't this fun? The straw makes it look fun, but it doesn't taste fun.
Rum would make it fun.
Care for a kale-i-kaze? That's the saddest question I've ever heard.
What does everyone have against juice? Dude, there you are.
Been looking all over for you.
Doug, I got a lot on my plate today.
Well, scrape off a little room on the side, because here comes dessert.
It's your favorite.
Key lime pie, extra meringue.
- Boom.
- What's this? It's my way of saying thank you for doing the surgery on little miss.
And also, I made you this.
A spin doctors greatest hits CD.
Double boom.
That's generous, Doug.
Ah, it's just a CD.
No, I mean "Greatest Hits.
" They've got, like, three songs.
- Well-- - Where did you get a picture of us together? There weren't any, because you've never let me take one.
So, that's a Photoshop job I did.
That's me pointing to a lasagna that I made, actually.
I gotta-- I gotta do it.
Oh-kay! What's going on now? It's a hug.
I'm just-- I'm saying thanks for saving my dog's life.
I- I won't forget it.
Enjoy the pie.
You okay? Of course I'm okay.
I'm just a grown man looking at a mix CD from another grown man.
Well, I think it's really great that you're doing the surgery.
It's no big deal.
Sure it is.
You're being a good friend.
We're not friends.
He's just the sound of labored breathing standing next to me in the O.
R.
, nothing else.
Come on, George.
You guys have worked together for eight years, side by side.
Of course you care about him.
I don't.
I don't, all right? Jeez.
- Oh, boy.
- "Oh, boy" what? I can tell that you're nervous about the surgery, because you only binge eat when you're stressed.
I'm not binge eating.
The guy just happens to make a delicious pie.
Really? I heard about your little test.
Let's see if you can pass it.
Left hand or right hand? Oh, you, um-- you forgot something in the cafeteria.
You know, just a CD from that guy that's not your friend? - You distracted me.
- I'm sorry, continue.
You just killed your friend's dog.
Killed your friend's dog.
Killed your friend's dog.
I'm fine, he's not my friend, and I'm doing the surgery.
So deal with it.
And this is my toy.
Okay, Rizzo, just go where the colors take you.
Let your artistic vision be your guide.
Oh, man.
You artistic types are so temperamental.
All right, there we go.
Got you your artsy-fartsy music, okay? I want to see some painting, and nothing too derivative.
Mama needs a new taser.
Morning has broken like the first morning blackbird has spoken like the first bird praise for the singing praise for the morning praise for them springing fresh from the world Hey, you wanna go to the wet rat for more drinks? - I mean, a drink? - Yeah, come on, Doug.
- It'll cheer you up.
- Yeah, okay.
One-Eyed Willie, you wanna come get a drink with us? No, I'd rather go home to my wife.
Of course I'm coming for drinks! Hey guys, actually, I have a surprise for you.
I just made reservations for us at the restaurant next door.
Yum sum? You seriously want to go to a Chinese restaurant next to an animal hospital? Well, yeah, just for drinks.
C'mon, it'll be awesome.
And according to Yelp, they have a cocktail that they light on fire.
And if you don't come, you're fired.
Just kidding.
Maybe.
Who's coming? Thank God you were able to get a reservation.
Come on, you guys, let's get to know each other.
Tell me something about yourselves.
My dog might die.
- Ohh - Aw, man.
It's okay, she'll be fine.
Okay, thank God the drinks are here.
Oh, you know what? Let's play a drinking game.
Let's play "I never.
" Um, okay, so someone says something that they've never done, and if you've done it you have to take a shot.
All right? Who wants to go first? Uh, I think I feel a cry coming on, so-- Okay, you know what? I'll go first.
Um, I've never Kissed two guys in the same day.
Sluts! See, this is fun.
Okay, who's next? - I'll go.
- Okay.
I never wanted to come here.
Oh, okay.
Well, I did.
Mm! Yamamoto? I've never scratched a co-worker's cornea.
Okay Well Okay, Juanita, you're next.
I think I'm gonna go home.
- What? - Yeah, me too.
Yeah, I gotta go.
Tonight's bagel night.
Wait! No, no, no, hold on.
Hold on one second, okay? Why don't you guys like me? We like you, it's just that you have a different vibe than the rest of us.
You're not a "Let your hair down" type of girl.
Yeah, you don't know how to cut loose.
Wha-- I'm sorry, I don't know how to cut loose? I'll have you know that I once re-created the entire Footloose dance in my basement.
You know what? I am fun.
This is your loss, and I am gonna have fun, over here, without you guys.
That is what it looked like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't think she's seen the movie.
Takeout for Coleman, please.
Hey, George, what are you doing here? What are you guys doing here? This is my secret place.
Don't be ridiculous.
We don't have any secrets, George.
Right.
You should know that Doug is totally freaking out about his dog.
Yeah, he's having a cry in the men's room.
Okay.
Thanks for the info.
I'm glad you're doing the surgery instead of me.
Every time I lowered the scalpel, I'd think, "If I make the slightest mistake I could kill Doug's dog and his will to live.
" Hey, could I get an extra order of moo goo gai pan to go, please? I don't know what they're talking about, I'm fun.
I'm wild.
I'm over here talking to you, aren't I? You have a really weird mustache.
What's your story? Well, just moved here from Vermont with my pet pig, which now doesn't fit in my studio apartment.
I'm sorry, all I'm looking at is That mustache.
Hey George, hey.
All set for tomorrow? Yeah, about that.
Um, I'm not going to be able to do Little Miss's surgery.
Uh, why not? Well, turns out we got a cholecystectomy on an African lion, and the zoo wanted me or Kaminsky to do it, but tomorrow's his day off.
Well, who-- who's gonna do Little Miss? Pinkis or Janelli.
Hospital's full of great doctors, she'll be in good hands, but I gotta go, so-- Order for Coleman? Uh, I'm Dr.
Coleman.
What? It's free.
What? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
What did we do? Okay, okay.
Yeah, oh, okay, okay.
Excuse me.
Hello, could you give this guy a check-up? - Sure.
- Okay, thanks.
She got a name, an owner? Uh, no, not exactly.
The owner wants to remain anonymous.
So, if you could just bring that guy back to me when you're done, that would be great, okay? Thank you.
Hey.
Good news, dude.
I freed you up to do the surgery.
Ta-da.
What? How? Oh, easy.
I talked to Kaminsky.
Yeah.
He was willing to come in today, but he wanted Thanksgiving off in return, so I went to Pinkis.
Pinkis hates his family, so he was more than willing to work Thanksgiving.
But he wanted Janelli's autographed Darryl Strawberry sobriety token, so Janelli agreed to give that up as long as I agreed to give up my kayak, which I did.
So we're all set.
- You gave away your kayak? - Yeah.
The one you lost your virginity in? Barely, yeah.
Plus, I wanted the best vet in there with Little Miss, and that is you, doctor.
Might want to start prepping, surgery is in 20.
And We are twins.
Huh? Oh, Ms.
Fry, just in time.
Here's Pinky, and look what Rizzo painted since you were here.
The monkey did this? Yeah, you think it's worth something? Definitely.
I can sell this.
I'll give you 300 for it.
I'll take it.
Hey, come on, Rizzo.
Rizzo.
Rizzo.
Come on, Rizzo, let go! Seems like he wants to keep his painting.
Yeah, seems like you're a dog owner, not a monkey psychologist.
Maybe we should just consider this transaction concluded.
Have a good one.
Hey, not bad, Rizzo.
You just made me 300 bucks.
Aw, come on, Rizzo! Morning has broken Scalpel.
Sorry, that's my phone.
Whoa, no.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where the hell are you going? Sorry, not feeling well.
Bad shrimps.
I'll send someone else up.
What? W-- No, no.
George! What are you talking about, bad shrimp? Oh.
- Miss Crane.
- Yes.
Here's your pig.
She checked out okay.
Oh, no, it's actually a-- You know what? Doesn't even matter.
Okay, thanks! No, come on.
That is for charging phones! - What's happening here? - Nothing.
Just have a pig in my room, no big "D".
Where'd you get a pig? Hey! Yamamoto, come check this out.
No- - What? - Look at that.
This is so embarrassing.
It's so embarrassing.
Okay, you remember that guy at the bar last night? Well, I got really drunk-- - You filthy sl-- - No! He took me back to his apartment to show me his pet Yorkshire, and-- Oh, my God, you drunk adopted a pig.
A little, yeah.
Dorothy Crane, you are full of surprises.
I am? You're such a crazy lady.
So what are you gonna name him? I don't know.
I don't know! We're going out after work.
You wanna come with us and we'll talk about it over some drinks? You wa-- you, me, drinking? - Yeah.
- Yeah, okay! Bring it in! Ow! My other eye! - I'm sorry.
- Who hugs like that? Well, Ms.
Fry was right.
There's money to be made in animal art.
She charged me 500 bucks to get this back.
Yeah.
You just seemed so upset.
We cool? All right.
Hey, let's go have some fun with this taser before it runs out of tazes, all right? C'mon.
Hey, Yamamoto! Get over here! Hey, George.
I heard about the surgery.
Get out.
Look, I know you don't care about Doug.
He's just a colleague, certainly not a friend.
But right now, he's watching Pinkis perform surgery on his dog.
And, well, if there was ever a time that he could use a friend, this is it.
Not that you're his friend, but if you were.
And a hug would be-- - Seriously, get out.
- Okay.
It's gonna be fine.
What are you doing here? I thought you ate some bad shrimp.
Look, the truth is I was having a hard time performing the surgery.
Why? Well, if you must know, all cards on the table, I care about your dog.
My dog? Yeah.
I've known her for eight years.
You know, she might be needy and sensitive and, uh, could use a good grooming, but, uh, she's grown on me.
Yeah, well, you've grown on her too.
All right, let's just-- Yeah, you're right.
Arms down, this is better, more professional.
Oh, you're my best friend ooh, you make me live How's it looking, Rizzo? What? For my wife.