Animaniacs (2020) s01e02 Episode Script


[THEME SONG PLAYING]
It's time for Animaniacs! ♪
And we're zany to the max ♪
So just sit back and relax ♪
You'll laugh till you collapse ♪
We're Animaniacs! ♪
- Come join the Warner Brothers ♪
- And the Warner Sister Dot ♪
Just for fun, we run around
the Warner movie lot ♪
They lock us in the tower
whenever we get caught ♪
But we break loose and then vamoose
and now you know the plot ♪
We're Animaniacs! ♪
Dot has wit and Yakko yaks ♪
Wakko packs away the snacks ♪
Our careers have made comebacks ♪
We're Animaniacs! ♪
Meet Pinky and the Brain
who want to rule the universe ♪
A brand new cast who tested well
in focus group research ♪
Gender balanced, pronoun neutral ♪
And ethnically diverse ♪
The trolls will say we're so passé,
but we did meta first ♪
We're Animaniacs! ♪
You should see our new contracts ♪
We're zany to the max,
there's baloney in our slacks ♪
We're animan-ey, totally insane-y ♪
Contains aspartame-y! ♪
Animaniacs! Those are the facts ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[MAJESTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[♪♪♪]
[RATTLING]
[THUNDER CRACKS]
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
[GRUNTING]
[FIZZLING]
All this smiting is
giving me carpal tunnel.
[GRUNTS]
Who knew that Greek gods
could get repetitive stress injuries?
We should see a doctor.
YAKKO: We can't.
Hippocrates is on vacation.
Vacation?
That's a great idea!
[LAUGHING, CHEERING]
[TROPICAL STEEL DRUM VERSION OF THEME PLAYING]
[♪♪♪]
Here. Take these salvaged
Minoan temple doors
and face them west
so they catch the late light
and provide the perfect backdrop
for our hot stone massage station.
I really don't go in for chakra work,
but I know that's your thing, Yakko.
So, I brought some resonating crystals.
Wakko, put on this robe
and tantalize your taste buds
with this Jojoba mocktail
infused with spirulina.
I don't know what you said,
but this tastes like soap.
I love it!
[LAUGHING, CHEERING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[♪♪♪]
Odysseus, should we slow down?
It's getting a little scary!
Nothing is too scary
for the great Odysseus.
Hero. Legend.
Powerfully hairy.
[CHANTING]
ALL: Ody! Ody! Ody! Ody! Ody! Ody! Ody! Ody!
Goat me!
[GOAT BAAS]
[METALLIC CRUNCH]
[SPLASH]
[TROPICAL STING]
My hubris just gave me an idea.
Let's soak those nerds!
[GRUNTS, STRAINING]
[TIRE SCREECH]
[HEROIC MUSIC PLAYS]
[TIRE SCREECH]
- My eyes!
- My face!
My inner peace!
[ODYSSEUS LAUGHING]
[BABY VOICE]
Aw, you guys need a towel?
[LAUGHTER]
It's funny 'cause they're wet,
and they don't wanna be!
[CONGRATULATORY MUSIC]
[ENCOURAGING CHATTER]
Hey, watch it!
No, you watch it!
[LAUGHING, HOOTING]
I'll show you a sick burn!
Sis, when we're not on Mount Olympus,
we're not smiting.
Now, we agreed to strive
for work/life balance.
[TIRE SCREECH]
[LAUGHTER]
Forget work/life balance.
Time to lean in!
Back to the office?
Yeah! And set up
a power lunch with Ares
'cause this means war!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Now, looks like he's on
his way back to Ithaca.
What are we gonna do to him?
Unleash a series of monsters
that gradually strip him down,
one mental and emotional layer at a time?
Oh! Sounds like an odyssey.
Let's see how he likes this!
[HISSING]
[SOFT POP MUSIC PLAYING FROM THE OCEAN]
Hark.
What's that exquisite sound?
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
I'm glad you guys dig my jams.
Check out this new one
I've been working on.
Ooh ♪
I'm gonna eat ya ♪
Climb into my mouth ♪
So I can eat ya ♪
Gonna cut you up
and put you on my pizza ♪
Yeah! Let's throw some shapes!
Then I'll put that pizza in my mouth ♪
Ugh! They like it?
- It is kinda catchy.
- Nope. Next!
[SONG ENDS]
[SCREAMING]
[GRUNTS]
Huh?
A Sisyphean insanity hill?
[SISYPHUS GRUNTS]
Flaming sand-suck?
[PRISONERS SCREAMING]
A pit of forgotten souls?
[SOULS WAILING]
[CERBERUS GROWLS]
Wait a minute.
[WAILING]
Is this Aegean Ninja Warrio r?
[LAUGHS]
I love this show!
Come on, everybody!
Lemme hear you scream!
[WAILING]
[EXCITING MUSIC PLAYING]
[GRUNTS]
Is he trying to "win" Hades?
[♪♪♪]
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
Yeah!
[SOULS CHEERING]
Did I break the record?
What was my time?
Doesn't he understand?
Hades is timeless.
It's eternal suffering!
- Don't worry.
I've got one more trick up my toga.
[KISS]
Good night, everybody!
What's happening?
Have I been chosen
for the finals in Vegas?!
[GRUNTS]
[THUDDING]
Huh?
Who's this loser?
I am Odysseus, King of--
CYCLOPS: I get it.
People are always trying
to come to my island
because it's a very, very nice island.
Literally,
it's the finest island in the world.
It's o kay.
I'm very rich.
I have a great brain,
and these two very excellent eyes
that I can see things very well with.
I'm gonna call you my little pocket man.
No. I'm Odysseus,
King of Ithaca!
Not anymore.
You're gonna be my new loofah.
You're gonna exfoliate my very beautiful,
very naturally tanned skin.
[SCRAPING]
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
Cheddar chest!
Okay! Okay! Gods!
I surrender! I surrender!
[SCREAMING]
Something to say?
I'm sorry I splashed you with my boat!
Please! Just get me away
from this wrinkled circus peanut!
Lemme go!
Lemme go home!
I just wanna go home!
Okay. Flush him back to Ithaca.
[FLUSHING SOUND]
[SCREAMING]
[THUD]
- Let's just get rid of him, too.
- We can't.
Remember, the Roman gods
meddled with our affairs
and made him a demigod.
Or was it a demagogue?
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
[PINKY AND THE BRAIN THEME SONG PLAYING]
Gee, Brain,
what do you wanna do tonight?
The same thing we do every night, Pinky.
Try to take over the world!
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
[♪♪♪]
They're Pinky and the Brain ♪
Yes, Pinky and the Brain ♪
One is a genius ♪
The other's insane ♪
They're laboratory mice ♪
Their genes have been spliced ♪
They're dinky,
they're Pinky and the Brain ♪
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain ♪
[LIGHT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[MEDIEVAL MUSIC PLAYING]
BRAIN: Well, Egwind.
Pinky and I have been
a two-man operation for many years.
But I think I speak for both us
when I say we'd like you to join us
as a permanent member of the team.
From this point forward,
it will be Pinky, the Brain,
and Egwind.
Huzzah!
Alloweth our adventures to beginneth!
Fare thee well.
PINKY: Can I be Egwind now?
[BRAIN SIGHS]
So, there I was,
in the fearsome dragon's lair.
I drew my trusty sword,
but before I could strike,
his horrible tail came
crashing down on me!
I barely escaped with me life.
Ha! You think that's harrowing?
I snuck in to try and steal his treasure,
and he caught me with
his razor-sharp claws!
KNIGHT: I'll say this.
[RATTLING]
If anyone could tame that beast,
why, they'd be able to
take over the world!
Pinky, are you pondering
what I'm pondering?
I think so, Brain. Nothing, right?
The dragon.
The dragon, you cretinous murine.
Our labors will be fraught with peril.
[GRUNTING]
[THUD]
But we shall apply the same
principles of domestication
man has used to tame
ferocious beasts for millennia.
[PANTING]
And our reward will be to
harness the fiery power
of the mighty basilisk!
[ROARING]
[PEOPLE SCREAMING, CRYING]
[BRAIN LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
[♪♪♪]
[ROAR]
Behold! I am
Brain, father of dragons!
PINKY: Wow.
You're a father? Egad!
You look great for someone who's had kids.
Stop heckling my fantasies!
[ECHOING]
PINKY: Hey, I was watching that!
Enough, Pinky. We need to find a whip,
a saddle, and reins.
[ECHOING] FONT COLOR="#CF685C"PINKY: Ooh!
That dragon's not gonna know what hit him!
[CLANG]
[BRAIN SIGHS]
[♪♪♪]
[GALLOPING]
[LAUGHING]
Are you sure you don't want a turn, Brain?
Seeing you happy is all
the fulfillment I need, Pinky.
Weird instruments, weird instruments ♪
Playing as I sing ♪
Yay! Minstrels!
[SIGHS]
Minstrels.
Nothing but bugle-bearded lute monkeys
looking for a handout.
Don't look at them.
- Good morrow, my lords!
On your way to slay
the fearsome dragon, I see.
Fancy a bit of song to get
the old courage up, eh?
How about if I pay you not to sing?
[GRUNTS] Right, right.
No need for rudities, my lord.
Minstrels, away!
[WHINNIES, GALLOPING]
[COUGHING]
Oh, what a terrific show!
Didn't that just make you
feel something, Brain?
The only thing I felt
was my ears vomiting.
That's the spirit!
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Ooh
Keep your eyes peeled.
The entrance to the dragon's cave
must be near.
Hey, Brain, look!
It's over there!
[GIGGLE] How convenient.
[ROAR]
[WHISPERING]
Okay, Pinky. This is it.
Remember the plan?
- [WHISPERING] Righto.
[YELLING]
Leeroy Jenkins!
[SIGHS]
[YELLING]
Surrender!
Ah!
No!
Step, step, turn, and
jazz claws!
[LAUGHS]
Those four centuries of
tap are finally paying off.
[CLAPPING, LAUGHING]
- Wait, wait, wait.
You're the dragon of St. Leonard's Forest?
At your service.
I'm never going to take over
the kingdom with this gentle giant.
[SIGHS]
Come, Pinky.
Perhaps we'll begin auditions
for the next Egwind.
[GROWL]
Auditions?
Tell me about this Egwind character.
His wants, his needs, his motivations.
Does he have a death scene?
You're an actor?
Aspiring actor.
Plus, I'm training to be a minstrel,
and I've written a sitcom spec.
I'm a triple threat.
You're kidding.
Uh, well, perhaps it would
alarm you to know that
the evil King Richard is
planning on, um, oh yes.
Outlawing minstreling.
[FOREBODING MUSIC STING]
- He is?
- What? No, he's not! Is he?
BRAIN: Shut up.
[SLAP]
Heavens. Who'd want to live
in a world without the arts?
Certainly not me. Why,
you'd be hard-pressed to find
a bigger supporter of the arts than
Sir Brain of Art tesia.
But, you hate the arts, Brain.
You always say
that the Renaissance is French for bull--
[SLAP]
Quiet, Pinky.
This Benedict character
may not be the fearsome
brute we'd hoped for,
but if we can harness
his thespian talents,
our plan may yet succeed.
So, what do you say, fair Benedict?
Will you help us save the dramatic arts
for minstrels the world over?!
I shall help you
save the theater!
PINKY: Yay!
Excellent.
Alright, Benedict.
If we're going to take on the king's army,
you're going to need a ferocity
that can strike fear
into the hearts of men.
[ECHOING]
Show me fierce!
Fierce Fierce!
[PEPPY MUSIC STING]
Yay! Yay!
[CLAPPING]
And where did he get that water?
- Cut!
This is a travesty.
I asked you for ferocity.
I need you to harness your inner fire.
When you told them you
wanted to be a minstrel,
they laughed at you, didn't they?
Didn't they?!
[WHIMPERING]
I don't want your tears!
I want your fury!
[INHALES DEEPLY]
[COUGHING]
Oh my gosh! Did you see it?
Did you see? I did it!
Yes. Yes, I did.
More fire! More!
BENEDICT: Okay!
[COUGHS]
Oh look! A brush fire!
Should I put it out?
[CRACKLING]
Keep rolling!
Stay in the moment!
Show me large and intimidating!
Yes! Large and
intimidating!
[THUNDER CRACKING]
[WIND BLOWING]
- Yes! Yes!
Excellent.
It's all coming together!
[ROARING]
Cut!
You got the part.
Oh? Wonderful.
[CLAPPING]
[MEDIEVAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[DEEP GROWL]
[HIGH GROWL]
[GROWLING]
[WHIMPERING]
[BOTH GRUNT]
BOTH: Mace, parchment, lance, go!
[BANG]
- Ha ha! Yes!
Mace is best.
Behold!
I am Benedict, the Destroyer!
[LAUGHING]
[SCREAMS]
Dragon!
Come to destroy us!
Indeed!
[ROARS]
Oh no!
Who can save us!
BRAIN: I will!
Huh? What's that?
BENEDICT: Egad!
[GASP]
A fearsome knight
and his steady steed.
Whatever shall I do?
You there!
Fetch your king at once!
At once!
Okay!
Mace, parchment, lance, go! Darn it!
- Mace, parchment, lance, go!
Your Majesty!
KING: What is it? Is it something bad?
I bet it's something bad!
GUARD: Yes!
KING: Is it that witch?
Did that witch come back?
[ROARS]
Ah! Dragon! Call the witch!
Your Majesty. I, the Brain,
shall slay this dragon.
But, only in exchange for
[DRAMATIC MUSIC STING]
your kingdom.
Yes! Take my kingdom! Just kill it!
Uh, okay.
Pinky, get the, uh, the thing.
It's called a sword, Brain.
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[SNORTING]
[DRAMATIC SWELLING]
[DRUMROLL]
[BOTH YELLING]
[ROARS]
You did it!
[LAUGHS]
We are saved! Huzzah!
[PANTING]
[SIGHS]
Yes! I have slain the beast,
and am now the rightful
ruler of this kingdom!
My crown.
[RULE BRITANNIA! FANFARE PLAYS]
In this harsh world
What? No!
draw thy breath in pain
to tell my story.
[GASPS, GURGLES]
[FANFARE PLAYS AGAIN]
Thus, with a kiss,
I die.
[GASPS, GROANS]
[SIGHS]
As I was saying
[FANFARE PLAYS AGAIN]
Yo, Adrian! I did it!
[SIGHS]
This is why I hate actors.
Hm, what is going on here?
That's enough,
you serpentine scallywag!
Okay, okay.
Here's the grand finale.
No! Ow! Oh! Ah
Alright, well,
that should do it. He's
definitely dead this time.
[THUD]
- How was I? Ah! Don't answer that!
I was amazing.
You were great! Egad,
I really bought it. Didn't you, Brain?
BRAIN: Knowing you, Pinky,
is its own kind of medieval torture.
But lo!
Benedict, he wasn't dead ♪
T'was all a play by Brain ♪
The mouse with the gigantic head ♪
To seize the kingdom's reign! ♪
[APPLAUSE]
- Thank you. No, please stop. Thank you.
It was such an honor to perform with you.
Clearly, the arts are alive
and well in this kingdom.
Here's my head shot. I'm a baritone,
but I can hit a high G.
[SINGS A HIGH G]
[GLASS SHATTERS]
[GROWLING]
I hate the arts.
Arrest every minstrel in the kingdom,
starting with these two!
Oh, come on, Brain,
we're having a song! Narf!
Very well. Hand me that drum.
Ha ha! That's the spirit, Brain!
[GRUNTS]
Now, stop that infernal racket!
We must prepare for tomorrow night!
Why, Brain? What are we going
to do tomorrow night?
[GRUNTS]
The same thing we do every night, Pinky.
Try to take over the world!
[MEDIEVAL VERSION OF THEME PLAYS]
[PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[TYPING]
Oh, hi. Didn't see you there.
I was just finishing up some
busy businesswoman stuff.
Speaking of, did you know that 2020
is the 100th anniversary of
women getting the right to vote?
[OBJECTS BREAKING]
That's right.
We're celebrating 100 years of something
women should've had all along.
[PHONE RINGING]
SECRETARY: Ms. Warner,
the president is on the line.
If it's a he, I'm busy.
[FIZZLING]
If it's a she,
tell her it's perfect timing!
It's insane for us to think today ♪
That women used to have no say ♪
In matters of the government ♪
The line of thinking usually went ♪
You do not need a ballot
to finish your needle point.
Even though men called them gorgons
and their corsets crushed their organs ♪
Suffragettes, they rocked the boat
to help us win the right to vote ♪
Suffragette roll call!
[DRUM SOLO]
Elizabeth Cady Stanton!
Susan B. Anthony!
Sojourner Truth!
We marched on Washington ♪
We fought the fight ♪
We're independent women
who demanded equal rights ♪
[♪♪♪]
Thank you, ladies!
Thanks to you, I can vote!
[WOMEN MURMURING]
[MUSIC DIES DOWN]
[WHISPERING]
Come again?
[INDISTINCT WHISPERING]
Are you kidding me?!
I've just been informed that cartoons
don't have the right to vote!
[KETTLE WHISTLING]
This won't stand!
This won't fly!
No animation without representation!
[♪♪♪]
[SCRIBBLING]
We toast 100 years of
women voting in our nation ♪
But as a disenfranchised toon,
I seek emancipation ♪
Saluting my foremothers
in star-spangled petticoats ♪
I respectfully submit it's time
to give cartoons the vote ♪
Let's all march on Washington,
let's fight the fight ♪
I might only be a drawing,
but I still want equal rights ♪
Come on! March!
- Huh? [GRUNTS]
- March for your rights!
[GROGGY GROAN]
March! March! March!
For your cartoony rights!
March! March! March!
For your cartoony rights!
Cartoons! You gotta march, march, march!
March for your rights!
Come on, everybody!
All together now!
Robots, monsters, Tiny Toons ♪
Sylvester, talking cars ♪
Ducks, dogs, bunnies, Elmer Fudd ♪
Whatever these guys are ♪
Road Runner, Pinky, Taz, the Brain ♪
Wile E. Coy-ote ♪
It's time to band together,
time to give cartoons the vote ♪
[CHEERING]
Don't be afraid to speak out!
Tell us about the issues that affect you!
I've been out of work for six months
due to a mallet-related injury!
It'd be great to have a stunt double
for all the cartoon violence.
Excellent! Let us tell the big wigs
how we really feel!
[♪♪♪]
[WHISTLE BLOWING]
Attention, Washington!
Every day, we're smashed and whacked ♪
YAKKO: Every day, we're smashed and whacked ♪
It's time to take our anvils back ♪
WAKKO: It's time to take our anvils back ♪
A pie for you, a pie for me ♪
BOTH: A pie for you, a pie for me ♪
This seltzer sprays equality ♪
ALL: This seltzer sprays equality ♪
We're coming to you live with reports
of a tiny dog puppy lady singing
at Congress.
We've besieged the legislatures
to secure our zany stature ♪
Squirrelly tail entwined
with Tweety wing ♪
Hear our voices as we sing! ♪
SENATE: Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye!
And so, on the eve
of the 100th anniversary
of women securing their right to vote,
cartoon characters today
have successfully achieved
that very same right.
I think I speak for everyone when I say
God help us.
I'm Dot Warner,
and I approve this message.
[THE MERRY-GO-ROUND BROKE DOWN PLAYING]
- [STAMMERING] That's democracy, folks!
[♪♪♪]