Anna and Katy (2013) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
Goodan even mates and wilkommen zu Zaturday Luckballs! Good times, good luck.
And what is the jackpot tonight, Lucko? De jackpot is 30 million euro! Wow fac, big money.
Zo, the lottery ball machine tonacht is is Richard, so please wilkommen ball machine Richard! But it's not Luckballs without special celebrity guesten, so please give up your house for English zonger und actor, it's Martin Kemp.
Hi, girls.
Hello, Martin Kemp.
Wilkommen, Martin Kemp.
How is you? I'm really well, thank you, yeah.
Great to be on the show.
And du hab a new album in the shoppos, yeah? I do, yeah.
Bright Nights, Fast Lights.
Out on Monday.
Great piss.
Well, Martin mate, is Saturday, is luck o'clock, so you'll know what that mean.
Press the balls.
I just want to wish everyone good luck.
Sex.
It's the second time for sex in trei weeks.
Fatty.
Twalve! Titty drei! Titty sex! N-n-n-n-n-n-n-nineteen! De average age of de soldier in Vietnam.
Ein hundred four.
De homosex number.
Fower! Tventy-six.
Zei hundred ein.
Titty-two.
Yon! Tventy-one.
After months of cooking rice, our three contestants are just two tasks away from that pot of rice at the end of the rainbow.
Our winner will go on to cook rice atop The Great Wall of China and our platform's so massive it makes rice look like salt.
So, hello.
And welcome to Rice Britannia! Hurry up, guys, come on, hurry up.
Guys, today's task is all about the look of rice, so forget the Saatchi Gallery, because today you guys are cooking for the Starchy Gallery.
This is a rice party, and we want you to make rice arty, so start cooking so we can start looking.
At rice! So, Sam, you're quite a man's man.
How do all your mates feel about all this rice? Huh, at first they were like, "What?" and now they're like, "Can I have some rice?" Blimey, they changed their tune.
Their tune, aye.
Mm! 'But for old divorcee Liz, this is much more than just a bowl of rice.
' So Liz, why now? Why rice? You know, rice is great.
To me, it's just a lovely old OK, is everyone cooking rice? Fuck! 'The contestants start to think about presentation.
' OK, ready or not, the time is rice.
Now, visually, this is an incredibly striking bowl of rice, but I can't help but wonder how it would look Yeah.
Up here on the table.
Yeah, wow.
Now, to me, what that does is it brings the rice right up in front of me so that I can actually see the rice.
Liz, I just really would have liked to have seen that rice over here.
No, I'm sorry Joe, we don't have time to look at your rice.
It's a real shame, actually, because I would have really loved to have seen that rice.
Yeah, no, I'm sorry, but we can't judge a rice without seeing it, so, I'm sorry, Joe, you haven't made the final.
Oh, I really wanted this.
I really wanted to win.
(BLEEP) rice.
Being a police officer is Oh, God.
Embarrassing.
Oh, God, it's me, isn't it? Oh, Christ.
She says this is a smart phone, I reckon it's a stupid one.
What? There's the laugh, yeah? You ask anyone round here, first thing they notice about Sonia, they'll say the laugh.
'Lucy is a great partner to have, 'because she's got such a unique sense of humour.
' Oh! 'It's like working with Jason Manford, 'and you need that, because the job can be very, very stressful.
'If someone starts waving a gun around, 'you want Jason Manford there.
' 'Yeah, well, obviously, paperwork is part of the job these days.
'And it's an important part, but, you know, 'you ask anyone where the job really comes into its own 'and they'll say the same thing - out on the street.
' Can I ring you back, Pauline, is that all right? OK.
Hey, stop, police! That way, that way! Nice one.
Hands behind your back, please, can you turn around? Thank you.
OK, you do not have to say anything but you m Oh.
I'll get mine.
Anything you do .
.
do say Do That's it, just Anything you do say Just Hands are Anything you do say sh Oh.
Right, just I'll just Come on guys, give us some room here.
A bit of space here, lads.
Go on.
It's stuck in.
OK.
Right, let's knock off.
You do not have to say anything Right, on this particular occasion, we're going to treat this as a roadside.
A final warning if you like.
Yeah, your last warning.
Whatever.
Son, son.
'I think that ultimately police work's about judgement, 'about knowing when to throw the book at someone 'and when a warning is all that's required, because, you know, 'if you misjudge that line then your credibility's gone.
' 'And as a police officer, credibility is everything.
' Local business supremo Michael Ignition has committed his carwash company into the hands of some of Britain's most ambitious young business hopefuls.
After a disappointing month of no washes, the team employ intern Andy, but all is not well.
Andy, if you could just step in now, Andy, to Ignition HQ, yeah? No, yeah, I'd actually prefer it now, Andy, if you could just come in now to Ignition HQ.
Just take a seat there, Andy.
Andy, how d'you feel that your internship experience is going? Sorry, yes, if I may, what I think Ashley is trying to say there is how do you think your internship experience is going, Andy? I think I'm getting a nosebleed.
I tell you why I ask - cos certain individuals actually came to myself with a few concerns that they wanted discussing.
So if you could just now have a look now at the board, Andy, you'll see that I've actually written the word "team".
Now, Andy, I've actually got here - an "I" and don't worry, I don't mean an eyeball! Right, Andy, what I want you to do is try and fit this "I" into "team".
Have a good go at it, Andy.
Right, oh, it's Paul.
Paul, Paul, where the hell are you? Who's just become the owner of 14,000 toy bears? Ignition.
Paul, what the hell am I going to do with 14,000 toy bears now? How about clean up? So off message.
There's no such word as "can't".
Right, Andy, as you can see, there is no "U" in "gr" Right, just take a seat there for a minute, would you, Andy? I need to work this out.
Ashley, if I may, I actually feel like we should actually now go back to our first instinct, which was using the word "team" OK.
In conjunction with the letter "I" - I would actually say Right, can I just cut in there and, totally with respect, because I do respect you Well, with respect, then, what I would say, with respect The thing is, is I would just like to go in there and actually say to you With respect, I think Oh.
Paul, Paul, where the hell are you? What is it, Paul? I've lost all the bears.
I don't know how this has happened, but we're nine grand down on the bear deal.
I've got to go, Paul.
Andy, d'you want to just listen to me for a minute, OK? Andy, can you just listen to me for one minute? Andy, just one minute.
Right, just be quiet for one minute Andy.
Andy, Andy? Can I just have your attention for one? Right, thank you.
Andy, at this point what I would say is there are three "I"s in Ignition.
It's not three "I"s, and an "Andy".
I'm sorry, Andy, you're fired.
Can I just try that? Andy, you're fired.
God, it feels really good, doesn't it? Andy, you're fired.
You're fired! Are you on fire? No hard feelings.
Thank you for the opportunity.
Fatty head! So, final number two.
Diesen check now on the lucky number winners.
Lucko? Ho, it's Lucko.
This is the maden, dere are 400 winners.
So, mates, das was Luckballs.
You lucky? Hope hope.
Well, all remain now is for Martin Kemp to sing us out.
What are you singing, Martin, mate? Well, I'm going to be doing a track off my new CD, Bright Nights, Fast Lights.
Well, there goes, so playing out is Martin Kemp mit Mack the Knife, but first off it's the thunderball, so please wilkommen ball machine Andrew.
Filv.
Titty-two.
Welcome back to the Creeping in at number 36, it's literally the colour of yellow paint.
That's right, it's yellow! Yellow! I mean, look at it, what does it even mean? Lumpy custard! School dinners! What does it make you feel? Argh! No! It's like I've got last prize in a farting competition or something! What's that about? Which he did once! Oh, no, why did you have to say that? Yellow always reminds me of my mam, because I remember she had this, like, apron that was blue with red flowers on it, and when she got it, she was really badly jaundiced, so Oh, yellow, that's the worst colour.
It's like orange hadn't paid attention at school and just went around fingering the girls behind the bike sheds, and it's right cheeky, like that.
Ooh, remind me not to get him any yellow for Christmas! Next up, it's our old friend taupe.
OK, if someone gave me a gun and there were like, say, two colours, say taupe and red, I'd shoot taupe.
It's so annoying.
I'll never forget my first date with Carrie.
I thought she looked absolutely beautiful, well, apart from this Oh, don't, no! I know what he's going to say! Yeah, this pair of sludge-coloured shoes.
They were actually taupe.
I mean, taupe, you know, can you believe it, what was I thinking? But I married her anyway.
He married me anyway.
Aah, who said that taupe was the colour of divorce?! Coming up, we'll be finding out from our celebrities what peeves them about pink.
Well, I always preferred brown to pink myself, if you know what I mean, and I think you know what I mean.
I mean bums.
I came from humble beginnings in Kensington, home to some of the most reasonable prostitutes in London.
Eldest and only daughter to parents Margaret and Line? John.
Margaret and John.
Who would have expected that their Line! Daughter.
Daughter would become an Line! Actress.
Did I say line? Yes.
And what did you say? Actress.
Actress, yes.
Line.
And.
Line.
Would.
Line.
Eventually become a star in Hollywood.
You've a better memory than me! I have the script in front of me as well.
Do you? Yes.
Many of my childhood memories, it seems, took place in my youth.
It's almost as if Line! It's written in front of you.
It's written in front of you.
Line.
No, it's written in front of you, just keep reading.
That's it.
Line! Line! I'm confused! Look, it's written there, all you have to do is read it, it's really not difficult.
Line.
Oh, for goodness' sake! Line! We'll have to stop it there.
Line! Line! Line! Line! Line! It's quite hard to explain if you've never seen it or been on one, but sometimes you have to have an injection in case you get bitten by a shark.
And you take all your clothes with you in a big bag, but you just end up wearing your sea pants anyway.
But, like, loads of women go in their fifties to have their bottoms touched by waiters.
And even though there's lots of interesting And it's quite hard to explain if you've never had one.
Instead of all the crisps being, like, salt and vinegar and cheese and onion, they're all, like, ham.
Ham.
And at home, you plug in that, but when you go, you have to plug in that, so everyone's going around asking if they've got one of them.
You move into a large house, but you only get one room and the people are having sex in the walls.
Then when you get back, then people want to know if it was hot, but they want to know it as a number.
And then we normally go out Cumberbutching.
You know, when you, Benedict Cumberbatch.
My next guest is a star of stage and screen.
Please welcome Bridget Eccles! So, Bridget what's it like being back in rainy old London? Well, I love London.
A lot of my family still live Line! Here.
Still live here, and I suppose I feel like I'm Line! Back for good? No! Line? Much happier? Not that.
Line! Where I should be? Yes! Thank you, yes.
So, I believe you're in a new film at the moment? No.
Yes! OK, what's it called? Line! No, OK Line, line.
OK, no, it's OK, I know what it's called.
It's called Memory Lane! Let's just show a clip now! I'm afraid she doesn't have long left.
I'll leave you to say goodbye.
Mummy! I love Oh, line? You.
You.
Good Oh.
Line? Bye.
Bye.
Oh, good night, Mummy.
Heaven has one more angel.
Line? You're dead.
I am dead! No, the fruit is plastic.
No, I think this is plastic! Can we stop there? Line? Please? Hello, and welcome back to Congratulation, the show that likes to give you all a big pat on the back.
And a little belly rub.
And I'm just going to dive on in there with the first congratulation of the day, and this goes to Sally Taylor, who has managed to reduce her body fat to below 75%.
Still a little way to go, but keep up the good work.
Congratulation now to Betty Mace, who write in to say she went to the hairdresser and now she come out and her hair all different.
She sent in a picture as well, don't know if you can see that there.
Congratulation to Jackie Merrol, who's just given birth.
Aah.
Well she doesn't say to what, but I just hope it's not one of those giant squids I've been reading about.
Oh I don't know Oh, I don't know if you can see it at home but I think we've got a little visitor in this studio today.
He's back again, I'm afraid.
Oh dear, we'll just have to Just make sure you don't swallow it, Jacqueline.
You know what happened to the old lady that swallowed a fly.
There was an old lady who OK, moving on, then.
A congratulation now to the Apple Blossom hotel.
She died! She died.
Congratulation to Ap I think I got it.
Commiseration there to Mr Fly.
On a brighter note I've got an email here from Lloyd, who says he's made killer savings by scanning a load of beef at the self-service checkout pretending it were carrots.
But the biggest congratulation today goes to Professor Mel, who says he got most of it off.
Well, Professor, do write in and let us know if you get the rest of it off, but in the meantime The biggest congratulation to Professor Mel for getting most of it off! Right.
And what is the jackpot tonight, Lucko? De jackpot is 30 million euro! Wow fac, big money.
Zo, the lottery ball machine tonacht is is Richard, so please wilkommen ball machine Richard! But it's not Luckballs without special celebrity guesten, so please give up your house for English zonger und actor, it's Martin Kemp.
Hi, girls.
Hello, Martin Kemp.
Wilkommen, Martin Kemp.
How is you? I'm really well, thank you, yeah.
Great to be on the show.
And du hab a new album in the shoppos, yeah? I do, yeah.
Bright Nights, Fast Lights.
Out on Monday.
Great piss.
Well, Martin mate, is Saturday, is luck o'clock, so you'll know what that mean.
Press the balls.
I just want to wish everyone good luck.
Sex.
It's the second time for sex in trei weeks.
Fatty.
Twalve! Titty drei! Titty sex! N-n-n-n-n-n-n-nineteen! De average age of de soldier in Vietnam.
Ein hundred four.
De homosex number.
Fower! Tventy-six.
Zei hundred ein.
Titty-two.
Yon! Tventy-one.
After months of cooking rice, our three contestants are just two tasks away from that pot of rice at the end of the rainbow.
Our winner will go on to cook rice atop The Great Wall of China and our platform's so massive it makes rice look like salt.
So, hello.
And welcome to Rice Britannia! Hurry up, guys, come on, hurry up.
Guys, today's task is all about the look of rice, so forget the Saatchi Gallery, because today you guys are cooking for the Starchy Gallery.
This is a rice party, and we want you to make rice arty, so start cooking so we can start looking.
At rice! So, Sam, you're quite a man's man.
How do all your mates feel about all this rice? Huh, at first they were like, "What?" and now they're like, "Can I have some rice?" Blimey, they changed their tune.
Their tune, aye.
Mm! 'But for old divorcee Liz, this is much more than just a bowl of rice.
' So Liz, why now? Why rice? You know, rice is great.
To me, it's just a lovely old OK, is everyone cooking rice? Fuck! 'The contestants start to think about presentation.
' OK, ready or not, the time is rice.
Now, visually, this is an incredibly striking bowl of rice, but I can't help but wonder how it would look Yeah.
Up here on the table.
Yeah, wow.
Now, to me, what that does is it brings the rice right up in front of me so that I can actually see the rice.
Liz, I just really would have liked to have seen that rice over here.
No, I'm sorry Joe, we don't have time to look at your rice.
It's a real shame, actually, because I would have really loved to have seen that rice.
Yeah, no, I'm sorry, but we can't judge a rice without seeing it, so, I'm sorry, Joe, you haven't made the final.
Oh, I really wanted this.
I really wanted to win.
(BLEEP) rice.
Being a police officer is Oh, God.
Embarrassing.
Oh, God, it's me, isn't it? Oh, Christ.
She says this is a smart phone, I reckon it's a stupid one.
What? There's the laugh, yeah? You ask anyone round here, first thing they notice about Sonia, they'll say the laugh.
'Lucy is a great partner to have, 'because she's got such a unique sense of humour.
' Oh! 'It's like working with Jason Manford, 'and you need that, because the job can be very, very stressful.
'If someone starts waving a gun around, 'you want Jason Manford there.
' 'Yeah, well, obviously, paperwork is part of the job these days.
'And it's an important part, but, you know, 'you ask anyone where the job really comes into its own 'and they'll say the same thing - out on the street.
' Can I ring you back, Pauline, is that all right? OK.
Hey, stop, police! That way, that way! Nice one.
Hands behind your back, please, can you turn around? Thank you.
OK, you do not have to say anything but you m Oh.
I'll get mine.
Anything you do .
.
do say Do That's it, just Anything you do say Just Hands are Anything you do say sh Oh.
Right, just I'll just Come on guys, give us some room here.
A bit of space here, lads.
Go on.
It's stuck in.
OK.
Right, let's knock off.
You do not have to say anything Right, on this particular occasion, we're going to treat this as a roadside.
A final warning if you like.
Yeah, your last warning.
Whatever.
Son, son.
'I think that ultimately police work's about judgement, 'about knowing when to throw the book at someone 'and when a warning is all that's required, because, you know, 'if you misjudge that line then your credibility's gone.
' 'And as a police officer, credibility is everything.
' Local business supremo Michael Ignition has committed his carwash company into the hands of some of Britain's most ambitious young business hopefuls.
After a disappointing month of no washes, the team employ intern Andy, but all is not well.
Andy, if you could just step in now, Andy, to Ignition HQ, yeah? No, yeah, I'd actually prefer it now, Andy, if you could just come in now to Ignition HQ.
Just take a seat there, Andy.
Andy, how d'you feel that your internship experience is going? Sorry, yes, if I may, what I think Ashley is trying to say there is how do you think your internship experience is going, Andy? I think I'm getting a nosebleed.
I tell you why I ask - cos certain individuals actually came to myself with a few concerns that they wanted discussing.
So if you could just now have a look now at the board, Andy, you'll see that I've actually written the word "team".
Now, Andy, I've actually got here - an "I" and don't worry, I don't mean an eyeball! Right, Andy, what I want you to do is try and fit this "I" into "team".
Have a good go at it, Andy.
Right, oh, it's Paul.
Paul, Paul, where the hell are you? Who's just become the owner of 14,000 toy bears? Ignition.
Paul, what the hell am I going to do with 14,000 toy bears now? How about clean up? So off message.
There's no such word as "can't".
Right, Andy, as you can see, there is no "U" in "gr" Right, just take a seat there for a minute, would you, Andy? I need to work this out.
Ashley, if I may, I actually feel like we should actually now go back to our first instinct, which was using the word "team" OK.
In conjunction with the letter "I" - I would actually say Right, can I just cut in there and, totally with respect, because I do respect you Well, with respect, then, what I would say, with respect The thing is, is I would just like to go in there and actually say to you With respect, I think Oh.
Paul, Paul, where the hell are you? What is it, Paul? I've lost all the bears.
I don't know how this has happened, but we're nine grand down on the bear deal.
I've got to go, Paul.
Andy, d'you want to just listen to me for a minute, OK? Andy, can you just listen to me for one minute? Andy, just one minute.
Right, just be quiet for one minute Andy.
Andy, Andy? Can I just have your attention for one? Right, thank you.
Andy, at this point what I would say is there are three "I"s in Ignition.
It's not three "I"s, and an "Andy".
I'm sorry, Andy, you're fired.
Can I just try that? Andy, you're fired.
God, it feels really good, doesn't it? Andy, you're fired.
You're fired! Are you on fire? No hard feelings.
Thank you for the opportunity.
Fatty head! So, final number two.
Diesen check now on the lucky number winners.
Lucko? Ho, it's Lucko.
This is the maden, dere are 400 winners.
So, mates, das was Luckballs.
You lucky? Hope hope.
Well, all remain now is for Martin Kemp to sing us out.
What are you singing, Martin, mate? Well, I'm going to be doing a track off my new CD, Bright Nights, Fast Lights.
Well, there goes, so playing out is Martin Kemp mit Mack the Knife, but first off it's the thunderball, so please wilkommen ball machine Andrew.
Filv.
Titty-two.
Welcome back to the Creeping in at number 36, it's literally the colour of yellow paint.
That's right, it's yellow! Yellow! I mean, look at it, what does it even mean? Lumpy custard! School dinners! What does it make you feel? Argh! No! It's like I've got last prize in a farting competition or something! What's that about? Which he did once! Oh, no, why did you have to say that? Yellow always reminds me of my mam, because I remember she had this, like, apron that was blue with red flowers on it, and when she got it, she was really badly jaundiced, so Oh, yellow, that's the worst colour.
It's like orange hadn't paid attention at school and just went around fingering the girls behind the bike sheds, and it's right cheeky, like that.
Ooh, remind me not to get him any yellow for Christmas! Next up, it's our old friend taupe.
OK, if someone gave me a gun and there were like, say, two colours, say taupe and red, I'd shoot taupe.
It's so annoying.
I'll never forget my first date with Carrie.
I thought she looked absolutely beautiful, well, apart from this Oh, don't, no! I know what he's going to say! Yeah, this pair of sludge-coloured shoes.
They were actually taupe.
I mean, taupe, you know, can you believe it, what was I thinking? But I married her anyway.
He married me anyway.
Aah, who said that taupe was the colour of divorce?! Coming up, we'll be finding out from our celebrities what peeves them about pink.
Well, I always preferred brown to pink myself, if you know what I mean, and I think you know what I mean.
I mean bums.
I came from humble beginnings in Kensington, home to some of the most reasonable prostitutes in London.
Eldest and only daughter to parents Margaret and Line? John.
Margaret and John.
Who would have expected that their Line! Daughter.
Daughter would become an Line! Actress.
Did I say line? Yes.
And what did you say? Actress.
Actress, yes.
Line.
And.
Line.
Would.
Line.
Eventually become a star in Hollywood.
You've a better memory than me! I have the script in front of me as well.
Do you? Yes.
Many of my childhood memories, it seems, took place in my youth.
It's almost as if Line! It's written in front of you.
It's written in front of you.
Line.
No, it's written in front of you, just keep reading.
That's it.
Line! Line! I'm confused! Look, it's written there, all you have to do is read it, it's really not difficult.
Line.
Oh, for goodness' sake! Line! We'll have to stop it there.
Line! Line! Line! Line! Line! It's quite hard to explain if you've never seen it or been on one, but sometimes you have to have an injection in case you get bitten by a shark.
And you take all your clothes with you in a big bag, but you just end up wearing your sea pants anyway.
But, like, loads of women go in their fifties to have their bottoms touched by waiters.
And even though there's lots of interesting And it's quite hard to explain if you've never had one.
Instead of all the crisps being, like, salt and vinegar and cheese and onion, they're all, like, ham.
Ham.
And at home, you plug in that, but when you go, you have to plug in that, so everyone's going around asking if they've got one of them.
You move into a large house, but you only get one room and the people are having sex in the walls.
Then when you get back, then people want to know if it was hot, but they want to know it as a number.
And then we normally go out Cumberbutching.
You know, when you, Benedict Cumberbatch.
My next guest is a star of stage and screen.
Please welcome Bridget Eccles! So, Bridget what's it like being back in rainy old London? Well, I love London.
A lot of my family still live Line! Here.
Still live here, and I suppose I feel like I'm Line! Back for good? No! Line? Much happier? Not that.
Line! Where I should be? Yes! Thank you, yes.
So, I believe you're in a new film at the moment? No.
Yes! OK, what's it called? Line! No, OK Line, line.
OK, no, it's OK, I know what it's called.
It's called Memory Lane! Let's just show a clip now! I'm afraid she doesn't have long left.
I'll leave you to say goodbye.
Mummy! I love Oh, line? You.
You.
Good Oh.
Line? Bye.
Bye.
Oh, good night, Mummy.
Heaven has one more angel.
Line? You're dead.
I am dead! No, the fruit is plastic.
No, I think this is plastic! Can we stop there? Line? Please? Hello, and welcome back to Congratulation, the show that likes to give you all a big pat on the back.
And a little belly rub.
And I'm just going to dive on in there with the first congratulation of the day, and this goes to Sally Taylor, who has managed to reduce her body fat to below 75%.
Still a little way to go, but keep up the good work.
Congratulation now to Betty Mace, who write in to say she went to the hairdresser and now she come out and her hair all different.
She sent in a picture as well, don't know if you can see that there.
Congratulation to Jackie Merrol, who's just given birth.
Aah.
Well she doesn't say to what, but I just hope it's not one of those giant squids I've been reading about.
Oh I don't know Oh, I don't know if you can see it at home but I think we've got a little visitor in this studio today.
He's back again, I'm afraid.
Oh dear, we'll just have to Just make sure you don't swallow it, Jacqueline.
You know what happened to the old lady that swallowed a fly.
There was an old lady who OK, moving on, then.
A congratulation now to the Apple Blossom hotel.
She died! She died.
Congratulation to Ap I think I got it.
Commiseration there to Mr Fly.
On a brighter note I've got an email here from Lloyd, who says he's made killer savings by scanning a load of beef at the self-service checkout pretending it were carrots.
But the biggest congratulation today goes to Professor Mel, who says he got most of it off.
Well, Professor, do write in and let us know if you get the rest of it off, but in the meantime The biggest congratulation to Professor Mel for getting most of it off! Right.