Are You Being Served? Again! (1992) s01e02 Episode Script

1
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
OH, YOU'RE
UP EARLY.
WELL, I COULDN'T SLEEP.
IT WAS ALL THOSE
COUNTRY NOISES.
AT LEAST, I THINK MOST OF
THEM WERE COUNTRY NOISES.
I PUT THE REST DOWN
TO THE TANDOORI AND CHIPS
WE HAD LAST NIGHT.
I WENT OUT LIKE A LIGHT.
I THINK IT WAS ALL
THE OXYGEN IN THE AIR.
HAVE YOU MADE
THE TEA?
NOT YET.
SEE IF YOU CAN FIND
A TEAPOT, MISS BRAHMS.
( SCREAMS )
WHATEVER'S
THE MATTER?
THERE'S A MOUSE
IN THERE.
HE'S SAT IN THERE,
BOLD AS BRASS,
CLEANING
HIS WHISKERS.
OH
HE WON'T BE
SO CONFIDEN
WHEN HE
SEES MY PUSSY.
WHERE IS TIDDLES?
SHE'S IN THE BEDROOM,
ASLEEP.
OH, LOOK,
THERE'S A CAT FLAP HERE.
THERE'S A BIG GINGER TOM
SAT OUTSIDE HERE
WAITING FOR HER.
WORD SOON GETS ABOUT,
DON'T IT?
WELL, I DON'T WAN
TO LET HER OU
UNTIL I'VE PU
BUTTER ON HER PAWS.
ONE HAS TO DO THAT,
YOU KNOW,
WHEN ONE MOVES
TO A NEW RESIDENCE.
BUT ALL I COULD FIND
IN THE PANTRY
WAS HALF A CARTON
OF LOWFAT SPREAD.
WASN'T THERE
ANYTHING ELSE?
YES, SOME YOGURT,
WITH A GREEN BEARD,
SOME SLICED BREAD,
AND A BONELESS KIPPER
WITH ABOUT FOUR MINUTES LEF
ON ITS "SELL BY" DATE.
WHERE'S THE MILK?
STILL IN THE COW,
MISS BRAHMS.
WHAT AM I
SUPPOSED TO DO?
TAKE ME TEA
OUT THERE,
CORNER IT, AND GE
A QUICK SQUIRT?
THIS IS
THE COUNTRY,
WE HAVE TO ADAP
TO COUNTRY WAYS.
- MORNING, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
- MORNING, CAPTAIN.
- MORNING, MISS BRAHMS.
- MORNING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
WE HEARD YOU SLEEPING
WELL LAST NIGHT.
DID I SNORE?
THAT WAS THE INTERPRETATION
WE CHOSE TO PUT ON IT.
WELL, UH,
WHAT'S FOR BREAKFAST?
WELL, SOME OF IT'S
STILL UNDER THE HENS,
SOME OF IT'S
IN THE COW.
THE REST IS
IN THE PIGSTY,
AND HE DOESN'T KNOW
WHAT DANGER HE'S IN.
WHERE'S
MR. HUMPHRIES?
HE'S PROBABLY
OVERSLEPT.
OH, YES LOOK,
YOU MAKE THE TEA,
MISS BRAHMS,
I'LL GO
AND AROUSE HIM.
RIGHT.
I FOUND THIS OLD TEAPOT,
I'LL BUNG IN SOME TEABAGS.
NO, MISS BRAHMS,
LET ME TELL YOU
HOW TO MAKE TEA.
ONE DOESN'T BUNG IN
THE TEABAGS
UNTIL ONE HAS
WARMED THE POT.
( SCREAMS )
IS THERE
A JUG ANYWHERE?
( KNOCK ON DOOR )
MRS. SLOCOMBE:
GOOD MORNING!
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING, MOTHER?
THERE'S NO SCHOOL
ON SUNDAYS.
NO, NO, NO,
IT'S ME, MR. HUMPHRIES,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
MRS. SLOCOMBE?
COME IN, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
IT'S 9:00.
AND IT'S
A BEAUTIFUL MORNING.
TIME FOR YOU
TO RISE AND SHINE.
OH, WELL, GIVE ME A MOMEN
AND I MIGHT MANAGE A SHINE.
I HAD THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY
DREAM LAST NIGHT.
I DREAMT THAT THE FARMER'S
DAUGHTER CAME IN HERE
AND GOT INTO BED WITH ME.
THAT'S NOT LIKE YOU,
MR. HUMPHRIES.
I KNOW.
WHAT HAPPENED?
NOTHING.
THAT'S MORE LIKE YOU,
MR. HUMPHRIES.
MORNING, ALL.
I HOPE I DIDN'
DISTURB YOU
WHEN I WOKE
THIS MORNING.
I WAS UP BEFORE
SPARROW-FART.
HOW PICTURESQUE.
DAD MAKES ME MUCK OU
THE COWSHED FIRST THING.
OH, DOES HE REALLY?
WHEN I WOKE,
I DIDN'T KNOW
WHETHER TO AROUSE
YOU OR NOT.
THAT'S A VERY DIFFICUL
DECISION TO HAVE TO MAKE.
THEN I LOOKED AT YOU LAYING
THERE AND I THOUGHT,
"HE'LL GET UP WHEN
HE FEELS LIKE IT."
NOW, I LEFT ONE OF
MY SOCKS DOWN HERE.
IT'S IN HERE
SOMEWHERE.
ARE YOU
SITTING ON IT?
I DON'T THINK SO.
GIVE OVER!
AREN'T YOU
NICE AND WARM?
HERE IT IS.
DO YOU KNOW HE'S
NO BOTHER TO SLEEP WITH?
HE DIDN'T MOVE
ALL NIGHT.
HE WAS PROBABLY PARALYZED.
WELL, I BEST GET ON
WITH MY WORK.
I LEFT A BARRELFUL
OF MUCK
FROM THE COWSHED
OUT THE BACK.
IF DAD SEES IT,
HE'LL HAVE STEAM
COMING OUT HIS EARS.
IT WAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH ME,
SHE JUST CAME
IN AND
DON'T WORRY,
MR. HUMPHRIES,
IT WILL GO
NO FARTHER.
I'M SURPRISED IT'S GONE
AS FAR AS IT HAS.
AH, GOOD MORNING,
EVERYBODY.
IS THERE
A POT OF TEA?
YES, IT HAD
A MOUSE IN IT.
WELL, THAT SORT OF THING
IS RATHER PREVALEN
IN THE COUNTRY.
I MADE THE TEA
IN A JUG,
BUT THERE ISN'
ANY MILK.
HERE, MRS. SLOCOMBE
GOT A BUCKETFUL
OUT THAT COW YESTERDAY.
- WHERE IS IT?
- PROBABLY IN THE LARDER.
THERE'S NOTHING ELSE
FOR BREAKFAS
EXCEPT SOME MOLDY
OLD KIPPER.
THERE'LL BE
PLENTY OF EGGS.
MRS. SLOCOMBE
IS THE "EGGSPERT"
IN THESE MATTERS.
FOLLOWING HER
"EGGSPERIENCE"
AS A LAND GIRL,
SHE'LL PROBABLY
GO FORAGING
WHEN SHE COMES DOWN.
OH, NOT TOO MUCH
FOR ME.
WELL
I HAVE AROUSED
MR. HUMPHRIES.
HE SLEPT WELL,
AND I CAN SAY NO MORE.
MY LIPS ARE SEALED.
WILD HORSES WOULDN'T DRAG
FROM ME WHAT I KNOW.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
OH, I COULDN'
POSSIBLY TELL YOU.
NO, NO, NO, HE MUS
TELL YOU HIMSELF.
OR SHE MUST.
SHE?
I CAN'T TELL
YOU WHO IT WAS,
IT WOULDN'T BE
FAIR ON HER.
OR ON HIM.
OH, COME ON,
IT'S KILLING ME,
COME ON,
GIVE US THE DIRT.
MISS BRAHMS,
WE MUST RESPEC
MRS. SLOCOMBE'S
RELUCTANCE TO REVEAL
SOME VITAL,
PERSONAL SECRE
OF MR. HUMPHRIES.
BUT SHE'S BUSTING
HER GUT TO TELL US.
I CAN'T FIND
MY KNICKERS NOWHERE.
WILL YOU ASK MR. HUMPHRIES
IF I LEFT 'EM UNDER HIS PILLOW?
I'LL GET THE EGGS.
GOOD MORNING, GIRLS.
DON'T BE FRIGHTENED,
IT'S ONLY ME.
NOW, WHO'S GOING TO GIVE ME
SOMETHING NICE FOR BREAKFAST?
HOW ABOUT THIS?
MR. MOULTERD, HOW DARE YOU
PUT YOUR HAND ON MY PERSON?!
WELL, I WAS JUS
SHOWING YOU I WAS HERE.
I'M AWARE OF THAT.
WELL, WHAT ARE
YOU UP TO THEN?
WELL, I'M JUST GATHERING
SOME EGGS FOR BREAKFAST.
OH, DARN IT, I SEEM TO BE
STUCK IN THE DOORWAY.
WELL, YOU HANG ON THERE,
I'LL GRAB YOUR CORSETS
AND GIVE YA A TUG.
MR. MOULTERD,
FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
I DO NOT WEAR CORSETS.
WELL, I'LL GRAB YOUR HIPS.
IF I CAN
DELIVER A CALF,
I CAN GET YOU
OUTTA THERE.
WELL, I DON'T SEE
THE SIMILARITY.
AW
TOO MUCH TO GE
ME FINGERS ROUND.
OH!
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,
I'LL GRAB YOUR SHOULDER,
AND EASE YOU OUT.
OH, AND PLEASE BE GENTLE.
OH! OW!
MRS. SLOCOMBE'S TAKING
RATHER A LONG TIME.
I WONDER WHAT SHE'S DOING?
( MRS. SLOCOMBE MOANING )
I THINK WE'LL LEAVE
HER AT THE MOMENT.
THAT WAS
A VERY NICE EGG,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
IT HAD BETTER BE,
MR. MOULTERD
HAD TO GET A CHAIN
TO EXTRACT ME FROM
THE DOORWAY OF THE HENHOUSE.
THEY'RE VERY FRESH.
SO WAS MR. MOULTERD.
I'LL PUT A COZY
ON MR. HUMPHRIES' EGG
TO KEEP IT WARM FOR HIM
TILL HE GETS DOWN.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA SAY
TO HIM WHEN HE GETS HERE?
REMEMBER, I HAVEN'
SAID A WORD.
I THINK WE CAN PU
TWO AND TWO TOGETHER.
YES, IF YOU ASK ME,
TWO AND TWO'S BEEN
TOGETHER ALL NIGHT.
WELL, THE GIRL
WAS ACCUSTOMED
TO SLEEPING
WITH THE CHEF.
SIMPLE COUNTRY FOLK
OFTEN DO THA
JUST TO KEEP WARM.
OH, JUST THINK,
IF IT'S A REALLY COLD NIGHT,
YOU COULD FIND
MR. MOULTERD
CLIMBING IN WITH YOU,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
IT COULD BE SUB-ZERO,
MISS BRAHMS,
AND HE WOULDN'
CROSS MY PORTAL.
MORNING,
MR. HUMPHRIES.
OH, GOOD MORNING.
OH!
DID YOU SLEEP WELL?
AS WELL AS CAN
BE EXPECTED.
MUST HAVE BEEN
A NOVEL EXPERIENCE
FOR YOU.
WHAT MUST?
OH, SLEEPING
IN THE COUNTRY
IN A STRANGE BED.
NO, IT WAS QUITE COZY.
YOU WEREN'T COLD,
WERE YOU?
NO, NOT IN
THE CIRCUMSTANCES.
THERE'S A RUMOR
THAT, UH
YOU WEREN'
ON YOUR OWN
LAST NIGHT.
I WONDER WHERE
THAT CAME FROM?
WELL, DON'T LOOK AT ME.
WE HAD A SLIGHT CLUE
WHEN MISS MOULTERD
ASKED FOR
HER KNICKERS BACK.
I WONDERED WHERE
THEY CAME FROM.
I THOUGHT THEY MIGHT'VE
BELONGED TO THE CHEF.
OH, YOU KNOW, I DON'T FEEL LIKE
ANY BREAKFAST THIS MORNING.
I THINK I'LL GO
FOR A MANLY WALK.
I MIGHT POP INTO THE VILLAGE
AND BUY A PIPE
( DEEPENS VOICE )
AND A COUPLE OF OUNCES
OF ST. BRUNO.
AH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
THERE YOU ARE.
I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE
A COUNCIL OF WAR
TO DECIDE WHA
WE'RE GOING TO DO
ABOUT THIS PLACE.
GOOD IDEA.
WHERE IS EVERYBODY?
I'LL GATHER THEM
TOGETHER.
UH, MISS BRAHMS,
ARE YOU FREE?
I WILL BE AS SOON AS
I'VE PUFFED THIS FIRE UP.
THAT REMINDS ME, I HOPE
WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE
THAT TANDOORI CHICKEN
AGAIN TONIGHT.
OH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
HOW ARE YOU
WITH BALL COCKS?
I'M NOT A ONE THING OR
THE OTHER, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
BECAUSE THE ONE
IN MY BATHROOM
IS IN A STATE
OF CONSTANT FLUSH.
PROBABLY ITS AGE.
GATHER ROUND,
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
WE'RE MEETING
ABOUT OUR POSITION.
WHERE'S
MR. HUMPHRIES?
OH, HE'S JUS
STRIDING IN NOW.
MR. HUMPHRIES,
ARE YOU FREE?
( DEEP VOICE )
I'M FREE.
DID YOU HAVE
A MANLY WALK?
OH, YES.
I LIKE
THE WALKING STICK.
OH, IT WAS
THE KNOBBLIEST ONE
THEY HAD IN THE SHOP.
I WAS GOING TO BUY
A KNOBBLY PIPE,
BUT THAT WOULD BE GOING
A BIT TOO FAR.
I THINK YOU LOOK
VERY DASHING.
THANK YOU.
GATHER ROUND, EVERYBODY.
QUITE INFORMALLY, OF COURSE.
WE'RE NOT IN THE STORE NOW.
WE ARE ALL HERE.
WELL, WHERE'S
MISS LOVELOCK?
AFTER ALL,
SHE'S A CO-BENEFICIARY
UNDER MR. GRACE'S WILL.
I SAW HER EARLIER
THIS MORNING,
SADDLING UP
HER HORSE.
I THINK
WE SHOULD TRY
TO GET RID OF HER,
SHE SHOULDN'
BE INCLUDED.
ALL THOSE YEARS
WE SLAVED,
PAID INTO
OUR PENSION.
- SHE'S DONE NOTHING.
- TRUE.
MIND YOU,
SHE DID COMFOR
YOUNG MR. GRACE
IN HIS DECLINING WEEKS.
YES, BUT IF WE COULD
PROVE HE WAS DOTTY,
AND DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT HE WAS DOING
MORNING, ALL.
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY WHIP?
HE KNEW WHA
HE WAS DOING.
THERE IT IS.
DO YOU RIDE,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
WHEN I WAS
IN THE ARMY,
I DID OCCASIONALLY CLIMB
INTO THE SADDLE.
YEAH, USED TO CYCLE
DOWN TO THE N.A.A.F.I.
TO GET HIS FIVE WOODBINES.
I SUPPOSE
YOU EX-ARMY CHAPS
HAVE TO PUT UP
WITH A LO
OF LEG PULLING.
YES, INDEED WE DO.
NOT MANY OF
THE YOUNGER GENERATION
UNDERSTAND WHA
WE WENT THROUGH.
I LOVE HEARING ABOU
THE DARING AND UNUSUAL.
OH, WE MUST HAVE
A LITTLE CHAT SOMETIME.
CAN WE GET ON?
MISS LOVELOCK,
MISS LOVELOCK,
WE ARE GATHERED
TOGETHER TO MAKE
SOME DECISIONS
ABOUT OUR FUTURE.
LIVE FOR TODAY,
DARLING.
I'VE GOT A STALLION
WAITING FOR ME OUTSIDE.
HE'S 16 HANDS
AND HE'S JUST HAD HIS OATS.
SEE YOU LATER.
OH, GET HER.
SHE'S VERY ABOVE HERSELF.
WE MUST LET YOUTH
HAVE ITS HEAD.
ARE WE ALL AGREED
THAT WE SHOULD TRY
TO RUN THIS PLACE
AS A MONEY-MAKING
COUNTRY HOUSE HOTEL?
WELL, I AGREE,
PROVIDED MR. HUMPHRIES
ISN'T GOING TO
SMOKE THAT PIPE.
YOU KNOW, I THINK IT'S
GETTING THE BETTER OF ME.
I'M BEGINNING
TO HALLUCINATE.
I HAVE A VISION OF
A GANG OF IRISH LABORERS
LAYING A RAILWAY LINE.
THEN YOU'D BETTER GIVE IT UP
BEFORE THE TRAIN COMES.
IT'S ALL VERY WELL TRYING
TO RUN THIS PLACE AS A HOTEL,
BUT WHAT DO
WE DO FOR MONEY?
THERE'S NOTHING
IN THE KITTY.
I SPOKE TO MR. THORPE,
YOUNG MR. GRACE'S SOLICITOR,
ABOUT THAT VERY MATTER
THIS MORNING.
HE'S ON HIS WAY DOWN
WITH AN ADVANCE
ON OUR FIRST MONTH'S PAYMEN
ON THE PENSION FUND.
UH, LESS TAX.
WE COULD USE THA
TO GET THE SHEETS BACK
FROM THE LAUNDRY,
OR SOME FOOD, AND MAKE
AN ADVANCE TO THE STAFF.
HAVE YOU HAD ANY REPLIES
TO YOUR ADVERTISEMENT?
UH, NO, NOT AS YET.
WHAT HAVE WE ADVERTISED IN,
"COUNTRY LIFE"?
WELL, ACTUALLY,
I PUT A CARD
IN THE LOCAL
NEWS AGENT'S WINDOW.
AND IN THE LOCAL PAPER.
WHO'S GOING TO PAY
MAVIS' WAGES?
OH, SHE GIVES
HER SERVICES FREE.
I THINK WE SHOULD
GIVE HER SOMETHING.
AND I THINK WE COULD LEAVE
THAT TO MR. HUMPHRIES.
I THOUGHT YOU ALL MIGH
LIKE A NICE CUP OF TEA.
OH, THANK YOU.
( SNIFFS )
OOH!
SOMEONE'S SMOKING
A PIPE.
OH, I DO LOVE A MAN
WHO SMOKES A PIPE.
( COUGHING )
NOW, WHAT YOU ALL
GONNA DO ABOUT LUNCH?
SHALL I GO OUT AND KILL
A COUPLE OF CHICKENS?
OR SHALL I SHOO
A FEW RABBITS?
OH, DEAR, WE WERE
THINKING OF SOMETHING
A LITTLE LESS PRIMITIVE.
MM, WE WERE
GUNS TERRIFY ME.
OH, YOU DON'T WAN
TO WORRY ABOUT GUNS.
ALL YOU NEED IS
SOMEONE TO SHOW YOU.
COME OUT WITH ME
IN THE FIELDS,
AND I'LL HAVE YOU
BANGING AWAY IN NO TIME.
COULDN'T WE GO
TO THE SHOPS?
IF YOU WANT TO GO
DOWN TO THE VILLAGE
DAD'LL FIX YOU UP
WITH TRANSPORT.
OH, THIS IS IT THEN.
THIS IS OLD DICK.
NOW, WHICH OF YOU'S
GOING TO HANDLE HIM?
I'LL LEAVE THAT TO YOU,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
YOU STEP UP HERE, RACHEL.
MR. MOULTERD,
ALTHOUGH WE MAY HAVE
BEEN ACQUAINTED
MANY YEARS AGO
IN OUR YOUTH,
THE PASSAGE OF TIME
HAS CANCELED OU
ANY FAMILIARITY
WE MAY HAVE HAD.
I PREFER TO BE KNOWN
AS MRS. SLOCOMBE.
WHY, YOU BIRD
YOU AIN'T HALF COME ON
SINCE YOU WAS KNOWN
AS THE TIVERTON BICYCLE.
THEY USED TO PULL MY LEG
BECAUSE I HAD A THREE-WHEELER.
RIGHT.
MIND HOW YOU GO.
OH, GET OFF!
WONDER IF I SHOULD
GET A BIGGER HORSE?
COME ON THE OTHER SIDE.
MRS. SLOCOMBE:
THANK YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
WOULD YOU GIVE ME A HAND,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
MR. MOULTERD?
KINDLY AVERT YOUR EYES.
YOU NEEDN'T HAVE WORRIED,
I'VE SEEN IT ALL BEFORE.
MR. MOULTERD, THESE FLIGHTS
OF FANCY YOU HAVE
REGARDING THIS
IMAGINARY RELATIONSHIP
ARE REALLY GETTING
ON MY WICK!
IN THAT CASE,
I'LL PRETEND
IT NEVER HAPPENED.
IT NEVER DID
HAPPEN AW,
DRIVE ON,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
MISS LOVELOCK:
MORNING.
GOOD MORNING.
I'VE JUST BEEN
OVER TO BLACKSTOCK.
THE HUNT'LL BE GOING ACROSS
OUR LAND THIS AFTERNOON.
I'LL MAKE SURE THEM
CHICKENS AIN'T WANDERIN'.
WILL YOU BE FOLLOWING
THE PACK, MISS LOVELOCK?
YES, CAPTAIN.
WILL YOU BE
JOINING US?
I'LL CERTAINLY
THINK ABOUT IT.
GIDDY UP.
GIDDY UP.
YOU'LL PROBABLY THINK
ABOUT IT FOR SOME TIME.
IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA
IF YOU TOOK THE BRAKE OFF.
OH, OKAY.
GIDDY UP.
THIS HOT WATER ISN'T COMING
THROUGH VERY QUICKLY.
OH, THERE'S NO HOT WATER.
IF YOU WANT HOT WATER,
YOU GOT TO GE
THE BOILER GOING.
WHERE'S THE SWITCH?
SWITCH? OH,
YOU TOWN PEOPLE
ARE A LAUGH.
IF EVERYTHING
WAS DONE BY A SWITCH,
WE'D HAVE NOTHING TO DO
ALL DAY, NOW WOULD WE?
YOU'VE GOTTA
THROW THE LOGS
ON THE BOILER
AND LIGHT IT.
OH, COME ON WITH ME,
I'LL SHOW YOU.
THERE IT IS.
GET THAT GOING AND IT DOES
THE WHOLE HOUSE.
SAY, THIS IS BIG ENOUGH
FOR THE QUEEN MARY.
WE FINISHED
THE LOGS LAST NIGHT.
WE'LL HAVE TO STAR
A FEW MORE.
PUT THAT BIG ONE
ON THE HORSE.
COULDN'T WE STAR
WITH SOMETHING SMALLER?
OH, COME ON,
I'LL HELP YOU.
READY
ONE TWO
THREE
- HEAVE!
- ( STRAINING )
COME ON!
I HAVE HEAVED,
BUT NOTHING'S HAPPENED.
NOTHING I COULD DISCUSS
WITH A STRANGER.
COME ON.
NOW LET'S SEE
WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF.
THAT'S IT.
NOW, TAKE
THE OTHER END
OF THE SAW.
OH, I SAY,
IT'S "SEVEN BRIDES
FOR SEVEN BROTHERS"
ALL OVER AGAIN.
WHEN MY DAD DOES THIS,
HE GETS STRIPPED DOWN
TO THE WAIST.
I HOPE THIS ISN'
A FAMILY TRADITION.
NOW, IT'S ALL
IN THE RHYTHM.
IN, OUT.
IN, OUT.
NOW WHEN I GO OUT,
YOU GO IN.
AND WHEN I GO IN,
YOU GO OUT.
HAVE YOU
GOT THAT?
I'M WORKING ON IT.
RIGHT.
GO.
OH!
I'M OUT.
OH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
ISN'T THIS ROMANTIC?
YOU AND I
TROTTING ALONG
LIKE JANE EYRE
AND HEATHCLIFF.
ON THEIR WAY
TO THE BUTCHER'S.
OH, THE COUNTRYSIDE
IS SO PRETTY.
OH, LOOK, THERE'S
A BULL CLIMBING UP
ON THE BACK OF THAT COW
TO GET A BETTER LOOK
OVER THE HEDGE.
YOU KNOW,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
YOU HANDLE THE REINS
WITH SUCH APLOMB.
THANK YOU,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
DO YOU THINK
ON THE WAY BACK
YOU COULD
GIVE ME A GO?
I'VE DONE IT BEFORE,
WHEN I WAS A GIRL.
THE MILKMAN OFTEN USED
TO LET ME HAVE A GO.
WHOA, DICK!
WHAT A RIDICULOUS
PLACE TO PARK.
BUT WHERE'S THE DRIVER?
NO SIGN OF HIM.
THESE COUNTRY FOLK
HAVE NO IDEA AT ALL.
LOOK, YOU STAY THERE,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
I'LL GO AND MOVE I
INTO THAT FIELD.
NOW, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
B-B-BE CAREFUL.
OH, DON'T WORRY,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
ONE NEVER FORGETS THIS
SORT OF THING, YOU KNOW.
IT'S LIKE
RIDING A BICYCLE.
AH, YES,
THE THREE-WHEELER.
- GIDDY UP.
- ( SNORTING )
COME ON, LADDIE.
OH, WHOA!
OH, STOP,
YOU DAMN THING!
OH OH
CAPTAIN PEACOCK!
COME TO MY AID!
( HUNTERS' HORNS BLOWING )
HOY, YOU.
FOLLOW THA
HORSE AND CAR.
I HAVE EVERY INTENTION
OF SO DOING.
GIDDY UP, OLD DICK!
YOU'RE QUITE A GOER
WHEN YOU GET STARTED.
THAT'S WHAT THEY
USED TO SAY
AT THE DAFFODIL CLUB.
OH, SEEMS LIKE
ANOTHER WORLD.
HERE! WHAT ARE
YOU UP TO?
NOTHIN', DAD.
NOTHIN', REALLY.
JUST THROWIN' A FEW MORE
LOGS ON THE BOILER.
YOU SHOULDN'T MAKE THIS
YOUNG GENTLEMEN DO THAT.
THAT'S WOMAN'S WORK.
SHE AIN'T BEEN MAKING
EYES AT YOU, HAVE SHE?
CERTAINLY NOT.
AND IF SHE STARTS
ANY OF THAT LARK,
I'LL GIVE HER
THE STRAP.
YOU REMEMBER
YOUR PLACE, ME GIRL.
YES, DAD.
A MESSAGE COME THROUGH
ON THAT TELEPHONE THEN.
MRS. SLOCOMBE'S IN THE NICK
FOR STEALING A GYPSY CART,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK
GOT DONE FOR SPEEDING.
THEY ONLY WEN
TO THE BUTCHER'S.
BETTER PUT ANOTHER LOG
ON THE FIRE.
THEY CAN HAVE
A NICE, HOT BATH
WHEN THEY GET IN.
( COUGHING )
UH, VERY WELL,
MR. THORPE,
WE'LL EXPECT YOU SHORTLY.
OH, YOU COULDN'
GIVE MRS. SLOCOMBE
AND CAPTAIN PEACOCK
A LIFT, COULD YOU?
THEY'RE A
THE POLICE STATION.
THEY'VE HAD
THEIR TRAP IMPOUNDED.
I'M SURE
THEY'LL EXPLAIN.
THANK YOU.
GOODBYE.
I JUST BEEN DOWN THE DRIVE
TO THE POST BOX,
YOU'VE GOT LETTERS.
THANK YOU,
MISS MOULTERD.
THESE ARE APPLICATIONS FOR
THE POSITIONS WE'VE ADVERTISED.
MR. HUMPHRIES, PERHAPS YOU'D
LIKE TO MISS BRAHMS.
FEELING BETTER,
MR. HUMPHRIES?
HOW'S YOUR BACK
AFTER ALL THAT IN AND OU
WE WERE DOING?
I EXPEC
I'LL GET USED TO IT.
WHERE WERE YOU DOING
THIS IN AND OUT?
IN THE WOODSHED.
YOU'LL BE BUYING
THAT KNOBBLY PIPE NEXT.
WE WERE LIGHTING
A FIRE TOGETHER.
THIS IS FROM A MRS. HAMPTON,
FOR THE POSITION OF COOK.
OH, DON'T HAVE HER,
SHE'S ONLY GOT ONE ARM.
SHE ROLLS THE PASTRY
BETWEEN HER KNEES.
OH, I DON'T FANCY THAT.
MIND YOU, GIVE HER HER DUE,
SHE MAKES GREAT DONUTS.
THIS IS VERY SPIDERY WRITING,
I THINK IT'S
FROM A MRS. LEMMING.
OH, SHE'S THE ONE WHA
WORKS FOR THE UNDERTAKER.
SHE'S A DEAR OLD SOUL.
SHE LAYS 'EM OU
BEAUTIFUL, SHE DOES.
PERHAPS SHE COULD DO
THE SAME FOR THE TABLES.
MAVIS, YOU'N SUPPOSED
TO BE ON THE TRACTOR!
OH, SORRY, DAD.
THERE'S PLOWIN'
TO BE DONE
AND MUCK
TO BE SPREAD!
I BETTER RUN ALONG
OR HE'LL GIVE ME THE STRAP.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUNG GIRLS
IS COMIN' TO THESE DAYS.
AH, MR. THORPE.
MISS, UH
PRESCOTT.
- MORNING.
- MORNING.
PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE
TO COME OVER HERE.
OH, MRS. SLOCOMBE!
YOU LOOK ALL IN.
OH, DEAR, DID YOU
GET TO THE SHOPS?
THEY DON'T LET YOU
OUT OF THE CELL
TO GO SHOPPING.
SIT HERE,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
I'LL PUFF
THESE CUSHIONS UP
FOR YOU.
I'LL GET YOU
A NICE GIN AND TONIC.
THE POLICE THOUGH
MRS. SLOCOMBE WAS
A VAGRANT GYPSY.
I HAD TO TRY AND EXPLAIN
THAT THE FAC
THAT SHE WAS TRAVELING
AT 32 MILES AN HOUR
IN A RAG-AND-BONE MAN'S CART,
WITH HER LEGS IN THE AIR,
WAS ALL AN ACCIDENT.
WHAT ARE THE CHARGES?
SPEEDING,
RECKLESS DRIVING,
AND DRIVING AWAY A VEHICLE
WITHOUT THE OWNER'S CONSENT.
AND MR. THORPE MANAGED
TO PERSUADE THEM
NOT TO PRESS THE CHARGE
OF INDECENT EXPOSURE.
APPARENTLY, THERE
WAS JUST A FLASH
AS SHE WENT PAS
THE POST OFFICE.
THE CASE COMES UP
BEFORE THE LOCAL
MAGISTRATES
IN THE MORNING.
OH, WELL, LOOK
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.
SHOULD BE PUBLICITY
FOR THE HOTEL.
IT WAS ALL
SO "IGNOMONIOUS."
OH, DO YOU THINK
I'LL GE
A HEAVY FINE?
THEY'LL PROBABLY PUT YOU
IN CELL BLOCK "H."
I HAVE SOME
RATHER BETTER NEWS.
I'VE DRAWN FOR YOU
A CHECK.
THEY'LL PROBABLY CASH I
AT THE POST OFFICE.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS SHOW YOUR CREDENTIALS.
THEY'VE ALREADY SEEN
MRS. SLOCOMBE'S.
PLEASE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
IT WAS SO HUMILIATING.
I SEE A SLIGHT SNAG.
IT'S CLEAR THIS CHECK
HAS TO HAVE
TWO SIGNATURES ON IT.
YOU'VE SIGNED IT,
MR. THORPE,
DO I SIGN I
IN MY MANAGERIAL
CAPACITY?
NO. THE CO-TRUSTEE
FOR THE FUND
IS MISS LOVELOCK.
MISS LOVELOCK?
DID I HEAR RIGHT?
YOU MEAN WE GO TO HER
EVERY TIME WE WAN
TO CASH A CHECK?
HOW DID SHE GE
IN THAT POSITION?
IT APPEARS THA
YOUNG MR. GRACE
HAD THE VERY
HIGHEST REGARD
FOR HER ABILITIES.
IN HIS LATTER DAYS, IF ANYTHING
OF IMPORTANCE CAME UP,
HE WAS CONTENT TO
PLACE IT IN HER HANDS.
WHAT A TRUSTING OLD
GENTLEMEN HE WAS.
GOD, IS THERE
ANY BRANDY LEFT?
IF THERE IS,
WE'RE ALL HAVING ONE.
IS THE HUNT OVER?
NO, IT'S JUST STARTED.
UNFORTUNATELY, MY STALLION
WAS TERRIBLY FRESH.
HE THREW ME
AT THE FIRST GATE.
A HUNTER CAME
ON TOP OF ME,
AND I'VE BEEN FLAT ON MY BACK
IN A DITCH FOR HALF AN HOUR.
QUITE A NORMAL
AFTERNOON FOR YOU.
WE'RE ALL DELIGHTED
YOU'RE ONE OF THE PEOPLE
TO SIGN OUR CHECKS FOR US.
UH, MR. RUMBOLD.
OH, YES,
ISN'T IT A BORE?
STILL, AT LEAS
YOU KNOW I'M ALWAYS HERE
IF ANYTHING
IMPORTANT COMES UP.
WELL, IF IT DOES, I'M SURE
YOU'LL BE THE FIRST TO KNOW.
WHERE'S THE CHECK?
UH, MR. RUMBOLD,
THE CHECK.
OH, THAT'S FUNNY,
I CAN'T SEEM TO
FEEL MY FINGERS.
MUST HAVE BEEN THE FALL.
GET ON THE SOFA.
SHE'S GOT FINGER TROUBLE.
IF SHE DOESN'T GE
HER CIRCULATION BACK,
THE SHOPS'LL BE SHUT.
WE'LL ALL STARVE.
LIE DOWN THERE. I'LL SEE
IF I CAN GET IT GOING.
HAVE YOU DONE THIS
SORT OF THING BEFORE?
OH, MANY A TIME, YES.
I STUDIED
UNDER THE JAPANESE
AT NIGHT SCHOOL.
NOW LIE DOWN.
HE'S ALMOST TAKEN ON
A NEW LEASE OF LIFE
SINCE HE CAME DOWN HERE.
YOU'RE NOT KIDDING.
WHILE YOU WAS OUT,
HE WAS IN AND OUT-ING
IN THE WOODSHED.
WHO WITH?
MAVIS MOULTERD.
HE LIT HER FIRE.
IF I'M ANY JUDGE
OF CHARACTER,
SHE'S BURSTS INTO
FLAME VERY EASILY.
NOW THEN,
HOW'S THAT?
THAT FEELS
MUCH BETTER.
MM, OH GOOD.
MISS LOVELOCK?
PERHAPS IF I WERE
TO, UH, GUIDE YOUR HAND,
YOU MIGHT BE ABLE
TO SIGN THE CHECK.
JUST PUSH MY WRIS
ALONG SLOWLY,
I'LL DO
THE UP AND DOWN BIT.
OH, JESSICA,
WHAT A PRETTY NAME.
OOZING CHARM
FROM EVERY PORE.
JUST TO GE
HER SIGNATURE.
OH, WELL,
CRISIS AVERTED.
( HORN BLOWS,
DOGS BARKING )
OH, DAMN. THEY'VE
GOT THE SCENT,
AND I'M MISSING IT.
YOU KNOW,
I CAN'T HELP
FEELING
A BIT SORRY
FOR THE FOX.
OH, YOU DIDN'
THINK THA
WHEN YOU WAS
WEARING ONE.
THAT WAS
BEFORE I WAS AWARE
OF THE GREENHOUSE
EFFECT.
I DON'T WANT TO WORRY YOU,
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
BUT YOUR CAT'S ONLY 100 YARDS
AHEAD OF THE PACK.
WHAT?
SHE'S LOSING GROUND
FAST.
SHE'LL BE LUCKY
TO MAKE I
TO THE RHUBARB BED.
OH! WHERE
IS THE RHUBARB?
ROUND THE BACK.
SHE'S HEADING
THIS WAY.
HER TONGUE'S
HANGING OUT.
EVERYTHING'S
HANGING OUT.
FIVE TO ONE
SHE DON'T MAKE IT!
YOU'RE ON!
HERE SHE COMES!
( MEOWING )
THIS IS DISGRACEFUL!
I'M GOING TO GIVE THAT HUN
A PIECE OF MY MIND!
( DOGS BARKING )
GO AWAY!
GO AWAY!
YOU NAUGHTY DOGGIES!
YOUNG MAN,
HAVE YOU ANYTHING
TO DO WITH THIS HUNT?
YES, MA'AM,
I'M THE WHIPPER-IN.
WELL, THEY'RE NO
HAVING MY PUSSY!
AND I AM UNANIMOUS IN THAT.
NOW GO AWAY!
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )