Are You There, Chelsea? (2011) s01e02 Episode Script

Oh, Sloane, you miss her? God, no, these are tears of joy.
I'm just so happy no one here is going to be attacking my nipples.
It'll be easier when your hubby gets back from Afghanistan.
God, I hope so.
I wonder what he does does on weekends.
Oh, he goes rock climbing.
And then they have this great little Italian restaurant that's on a promenade where they don't allow cars.
And they have wine and they dance.
- Oh, really? - No, no! He hides in holes and tries not to get killed.
It's a war.
Good evening.
What can I get for you? I will have a Margarita, no salt.
Ha ha.
I'm sorry, but we don't serve alcohol here.
Um, but if you want a free topper on your popcorn, come back as much as you want.
They only inventory the bags.
Is this your first time ever talking to a woman? We'll take two medium popcorns and two diets, please.
It's a buck less if you share a large combo.
Oh, no, no thanks.
My sister does not like sharing.
Especially mouth STDS.
Sloane, you're blowing it for me with Stan.
Is not possible.
He has a little boner for you.
He's 15.
He just has a little boner.
But ever since we've been little girls, everybody gets little or big boners for you, never me.
Well, why do you care? It's not like you're really into sex.
Excuse me? You don't know what I'm into.
You made an exclusive contract with a penis that's only in town for maybe 6 days a year.
Yes, and that's why my hurt locker is aching.
A lot of dudes in here.
Yeah, that's so weird for a sports bar.
Hey, remind me again why we don't ever hook up.
Good answer.
Chelsea, you'll never guess who's sitting over there.
Matt Gunn.
Oh, my God.
Matt Gun? Oh, my God.
Who is Matt Gun? He was Sloane's High School boyfriend.
Chelsea was so hot for him.
Come on, how could I not be? He was the first guy I ever successfully fantasized about, if you know what I mean.
Before that he was just a man on a seesaw.
A seesaw still works for me.
I'm so excited to show him my boobs.
They really took off in eighth grade.
I've got a feeling this could really be my year.
I never had a chance at Matt Gunn when I was little.
I was in middle school when he was a senior.
Hey, you know, I went out with a senior last week.
She was 64.
And the osteoporosis brought her down to my size.
Matt? Hi.
I don't know if you remember me, but I used to try to sit in your lap and kiss you when I was little.
Chelsea? Of course I remember.
Look at you.
Yeah.
All grown up.
God, I remember you parading around in Sloane's tube tops and heels.
It was hilarious.
Hilarious? Are you saying I wasn't a sexy child? There's really no good answer to that question.
Seriously, how is Sloane? She's married.
Yeah.
Just had a baby, and she's really happy.
So it looks like it's gonna stick.
Well, tell her I said hi.
And I don't know if this is weird, but I'd love to take you out to dinner sometime.
That's really weird.
I would love that.
Give me a call.
I will.
And I have my own phone now, so it should be easy.
In my own bedroom that I don't share with anyone anymore.
Ah-choo! That just gets cuter the older you get.
I know, but look at this piece of cheese, Sloane.
It really looks like it.
It's so neat to have a real sister.
I had an imaginary sister when I was 7.
Unfortunately, she was stricken with smallpox.
It was heartbreaking.
You know, she was imaginary.
You could have made her better.
No, my dad had the power of attorney and pulled the plug.
How were you not raised by the state? You're never gonna guess who I ran into today.
Matt Gunn.
Matt Gunn? My Matt Gun? How did he look? What did he say? Did he ask about me? Yes, he did, and I said you were doing great.
You know, married, had a baby.
What did he say? He asked me out.
Isn't that funny? Not at all.
I don't get it either.
You can't go out with him.
Permission denied.
Absolutely not.
I'm not asking permission.
Well, then good.
Permission denied twice.
Oh, snap.
You cannot date your sister's ex-boyfriend.
That is very slutty.
Sloane, I would let you date one of my ex-boyfriends.
What, am I gonna call up Vinny Machada and see what time he gets off at the cigarette factory, and then we can go down to the river and molest each other? Wow, we're really getting our gal talk on, huh? Sloane, come on, there's gotta be some sort of boyfriend statute of limitations.
I don't want to argue about this with you, ok? You should just respect me because I'm your sister.
I don't want to fight like we're on "The Real Housewives of New Jersey.
" Love that one.
Ok, I won't go out with him.
Are you happy? Thrilled.
We're all gonna laugh about this when we're old and all still sisters, right? But we're not sisters with you.
Can you believe Sloane won't let me date her ex-boyfriend? I know.
It's like, if you donate a coat to the salvation army, you can't be upset when you see a hobo having sex with it on the street.
Exactly.
Thank you.
You know, Chels, I gotta say, I think Sloane has a point here.
If two sisters are gonna be with the same guy, it should be at the same time.
Technically, they should be twins.
Ok, Rick, we really need to find you a new Booty call, because this is getting annoying.
I'm working on it.
That is my ex-girlfriend, Nikki Natoli.
All this talk about Sloane's ex inspired me to look her up.
She's like a "my size Barbie.
" More like a my size Barbie.
All right, all right, be nice, you guys.
This is important to me.
Rick, we want you hooked up as much as you do, so we're gonna make you look good.
Nikki.
- Ricky! Aah! - Hey, hey.
Nikki and Ricky? Icky.
Wow, look at you.
You look gorgeous, Nicks.
Oh, I don't know.
Nice.
Do you own this place? - Me? No.
- Oh.
Um, you know, Rick is the big boss around here, so we all respect him, 'cause he's so fair and good-looking.
Oh, Rick, will you ask that waitress to get me a drink? Rick, will you ask your nice friend what she would like to drink? Oh, I'll take a kir royale, and I'm really thirsty and I have to sit down, so if you're done talking to me, could you do it now? Somewhere in Jersey, there's a hot tub missing a slut.
Thank you, Chelsea.
You're awesome.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, she better put out.
- Hi, Chels.
- Hey, dad.
Hey, what can I get you, Melvin? Giving away any mistake drinks? Uh, I got a gin and milk.
That sounds horrible.
I'll take it on the rocks.
Hey, Chels.
Nikki says the champagne's flat.
- I'll take that.
- No.
Who's the little fat-free muffin you're sitting with? That's Rick's ex.
Ah.
You found some gum on the bedpost you want to chew again, huh? Yeah, yeah, I wish.
Turns out she's engaged to some guy who's a resident in cosmetic surgery.
Oh.
I wonder if that stick up her ass is an implant.
Yeah, well, I got my hopes up just a little bit, but, you know, I think she's always wanted a certain kind of life, and now she's getting it, so Oh.
It's Matt Gunn.
Hey, dad, do you remember Matt Gunn? Isn't he the fellow who killed all those prostitutes in Seattle? No.
God.
Dad, he dated Sloane for like 2 years.
Hmm.
I got a little confession to make.
I wasn't all that interested in what you kids were doing.
Melvin, Sloane won't let Chelsea date Matt Gunn.
Isn't that stupid? Well, Sloane's your sister, and she's gonna be there for you long after I'm gone.
So you know what you have to do.
Lie.
What? Yeah.
You know how when you were kids I used to go to the dog track all the time? - No.
- That's because I lied.
So you're telling me to lie.
I don't know.
I really don't care that much.
I hope I'm dressed ok.
Matt didn't tell me where he was taking me.
I just don't think it's right for you to lie to your own sister.
I'm not lying.
I'm just waiting to see if our first date is any good.
Why upset Sloane for no reason? Yeah.
You don't want to mess with Sloane.
You don't go into a polar bear cage after a penny.
I guess that makes sense.
Well, I'm glad we're not lying, because lying literally makes me sick to my stomach.
When I was in elementary school, they used to call me "Pinocchio, oh, my, God, she threw up.
" So if Sloane stops by, what should we tell her? Uh, tell her that I ran down to the store to get some bread.
No, she'll never believe that.
Tell her I'm sleeping with some random guy.
So we are lying? Dee, you don't have to lie.
Just don't answer the door.
Ok.
I'm great at avoiding.
You mean when we talk about penises, right? Is that light bulb out? See? There you go.
Don't worry.
Things with Matt and I probably won't go anywhere.
You guys, I had a crush on him when I was a kid.
I'm sure we have absolutely nothing in common.
Wow! You were great.
I say that to everyone, but you really were.
I also say that to everyone, but you really were.
You were unbelievably awesome.
Thanks.
I get that a lot.
I'm sure I'm no Sloane.
Well, it's not a contest.
No, of course not.
But if it were, I mean Come on, right? Right? Unga bunga bunga, g unga bunga binga bunga Hello? Hi, Dee Dee, Sloane.
Is Chelsea there? Oh, no Dee Dee, no Chelsea.
Can you just put her on, please? No Chelsea.
Hang up.
Adios.
What a strange bird.
Chelsea, it's not a fair comparison.
Sloane was my girlfriend for two years.
Are you seriously saying Sloane was better in bed than me? Let's go grab breakfast.
Oh, my God! She was.
Look, there's this great waffle house down the street No, we are going again.
Are you ready? You better get ready.
I'm really kind of beat.
Oh, you're beat, huh? You're gonna sleep for days after this one.
Chelsea didn't come home last night.
I think she slept at Matt Gunn's house.
Ya think? I had to lie to Sloane.
I hate being crafty.
Hey, guys.
What's up? You tell us.
What happened with Mike Gunn? To tell you the truth, it got kind of freaky.
Really? So what's he into? - Sloane.
- What?! Yeah.
Matt said that sex with me was amazing, but apparently not as amazing as it was with my sister.
Oh, wow.
This bar towel is soft, and it smells like the great outdoors.
Well, Sloane, huh? I didn't know she had it in her.
Well, she did.
And apparently, it was very happy.
Man, this must be driving you crazy.
I just don't know what she did that was so great.
I don't know, maybe Sloane was just more demure.
Since when is that sexy? How many pornos do you see called "Debbie does quilting"? I'd give that a once-over.
Remember? She did spend a week in Thailand with her 10th-grade class.
Yeah.
Maybe she learned to shoot ping pong balls out of Oh, that cat ain't gonna feed itself.
Bye! Oh, it's Nikki.
She says she's coming by.
Wonder what she wants.
It's her second time here in one week.
What do you think she wants? I think she wants to put Rick's chicken wing back in her blue cheese dip.
Coming! Chelsea, it's me.
Ooh! No Chelsea.
No Chelsea, no Dee Dee.
Ooh.
Dee Dee, I can see you.
Hey, Sloane.
Sorry.
I'm practicing for a puppet show.
Chelsea's not here.
Well, as much as it pains me to say it, I actually owe her an apology, and I'm not coming to that puppet show.
Ohh.
We're sold out, anyway.
The reviews have been terrific.
Oh, really? The reviews? Who's been reviewing the puppet show? Oh, the "New York review of puppets"? What's the puppet show about? It's about children and diversity and recycling.
Dee Dee, you're lying to me.
I can smell it.
Chelsea had sex with Matt Gunn.
I'm sorry.
She slept with him?! But he said you were better in bed.
He said that? Yeah, he said you're better in bed.
Oh, my God! Except for giving birth to what's-her-face, this is the happiest day of my life.
Are you pumping up for Nikki? I don't have a lot of money.
Leave me alone.
Nikki, you look great, as always.
That's 'cause I'm pretty.
It was really great reconnecting with you the other day.
Yeah, you know, I've been thinking about it a lot, too.
That's why I feel comfortable just coming out with this.
- I want you - I want you, too.
No, no, let me finish.
You're embarrassing yourself.
I want you to hire me.
Oh, no, no, no.
Right now.
Why would you want to work here when you're marrying a doctor? Well, the truth is, right now he's just a broke resident.
Ok, but don't you think it'd be too hard being around each other all the time? I don't like to work, so it's better if I have a boss who's attracted to me.
You say the same thing.
Shut up.
I've rung up a buttload of credit card bills.
Can you please just give me a shot? That's a great idea.
Let's shoot her.
Hey, Chelsea.
Hi, Sloane.
Oh, hey, Sylvia.
Oh, she's looking more and more like me.
That's because she's passed out and drooling.
Well, you seem happy.
I am.
I'm having such and good day.
Listen, I was also thinking, you know what? I thought it was wrong and immature of me to tell you not to go out with Matt Gunn.
Really? Well, I haven't thought about him since that day.
You said he was off limits.
No, and I appreciate that.
You're just being a good sister, but, I mean, he's a great guy.
I think you should go out with him.
Maybe.
I mean, if I can find his number.
I bet you can.
He's just very passionate, and, you know, he's just a lot of fun, and there's some things he was kind of really, really into I thought maybe would help you if you did want to call him.
Well, what? I mean, what what what are the Well, it's like it's in in the bedroom.
Well, God, I mean, I don't even know if we'd get that far.
Ok, well, see you.
No, wait, no, no, no.
In case we do I want to know.
What is the thing? Ok, well, there was something that he really, really, really liked.
Hi, baby.
Who's my big boy? Look at you.
Look at you! What's this? Did somebody drop a rattle? Do you want a shakey-wakey? No.
No! Between the slug thing and this, I think we ought to cut our losses.
I thought you liked baby play.
Baby what? Now, what would make you think that? Nothing.
Never mind.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to return some bath toys.
Is that a diaper bag? You'll never see me again, so, yes.
Judge Judy's trying to decide if that fat guy stole the nice black lady's security deposit.
Dad, why do you come over here if you're just gonna sit around and watch TV? To be with my granddaughter.
Now, how about you fix me some toast? I'm doing laundry.
I can't believe mom's dead and you're still here.
She's looking down at you now, wishing you'd make me some toast.
Hey.
Hope you're happy.
I just had to put my pants on in Matt Gunn's elevator.
Oh, it's time for girl talk.
I think I'll just make some toast.
- You humiliated me.
- Well, I'm sorry.
I should have told you he really liked, getting slapped around a little bit.
I know that's a lie because I tried that.
Well, then you just need to deal with the fact that your older sister beat you at your own game, and I was in High School.
Booyah! All right.
I get it.
You can gloat.
I get it.
I lied, and I deserve it.
Yes, you do.
Sloane, just tell me what you did.
I'm never gonna see this guy again.
You really want to know? Yeah.
More than a smart person should.
Yes.
Ok.
3 words.
I loved him.
Ok, uh-huh, and then you did what? You need to sit down.
I need to talk to you about emotions.
So cover up your coslopus and pay attention.
Life is not all about sex, ok? Wait, why do you smell like bourbon? Because dad's been here all afternoon.
Oh.
You know, I need you to just understand that I'm concerned about you and having an actual connection with someone.
Someone that loves you.
Someone that appreciates all the great qualities that you have.
Somebody that looks into your eyes and loves that you're ridiculous and loves that you're silly and messy and all of the wonderful things about you.
You can have that, and I want you to have that.
I want you to have somebody who gives you all of those things.
Not just someone who can give you an orgasm.
See, when you say "orgasm," it does not sound fun.
All right.
Look, I just feel like When that happens, it'll break through all the clutter and I'll just know.
But, Sloane, it hasn't happened yet.
I know, but you need to be open to it.
That's why I don't wear underwear, Sloane.
I hear you.
All right? I get it.
Well, I guess I should return this to you.
We didn't even get to use the thermometer.
Is it safe to come back in? - Orgasm! - Menstruation! Hey, Rick.
I just came by to pick up my paycheck.
Yep.
Are you kidding me? Hi, can I help you? Ha ha.
Ha ha.
Would you like to sit at a bar or a table? You don't remember me? I'm sorry.
I just started working here.
Oh, my God.
We met the other day.
Oh, right.
You like to eat the bar food and watch the game.
Ok.
Uh, Rick, can you ask our new waitress to make me a drink? Oh.
You're that one.
I like the cranky little Asian better.
Yeah.
So do I.