Aunty Donna's Big Ol' House of Fun (2020) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Ar…
Me spicy pirate booty map…
I must bury it.
It would not be found unto a future
when cars don't drive on the ground
but they fly, fly high in the sky.
Pirate, pirate ♪
Hiding a map with a pirate ♪
Look at her go, a pirate ♪
Played by Sarah Burns, a pirate ♪
Pirate ♪
Ar… Perfect.
The perfect place for me to put me map.
Now, just to find a place
to rest me weary bones.
I'll just sit here
for a few sets o' the moon
and rest my barnacle covered,
rum-filled legs.
Oh, poor little Zachy.
I just woke up and I'm still sleepy ♪
Tired and grumpy like a baby ♪
Wah-wah, boo-hoo-hoos ♪
Can you give me something
For my blues? ♪
Morning brown, morning brown ♪
Get yourself a cup of morning brown ♪
Morning brown, morning frown ♪
What the heck is morning brown? ♪
Morning brown is great
You get it in a cup ♪
Add cream and sugar
Then you stir it all up ♪
It comes from beans
Have it hot or with ice ♪
In a day I'd say only drink it thrice ♪
Morning brown, I'm still not sure ♪
Can you please explain it some more ♪
It's coffee, you fuck ♪
- Oh, right. Yeah.
Morning brown, morning brown ♪
Zach, why do you need morning brown? ♪
I'm a sleepy boy, try as I might ♪
I didn't get much sleep last night ♪
I need to drink this morning brown ♪
'Cause last night I was doing a fuck ♪
I was fucking all night long ♪
I was fucking with my ding-dong ♪
I fucked in a bed
I fucked in a seat ♪
I fucked like a Labrador in heat ♪
Whoa, man
That's TMI ♪
It's a coincidence though
I'll tell you why ♪
I, too, was fucking all last night ♪
I fucked real hard
'Til the morning light ♪
I love to fuck
It's my favorite thing to do ♪
I fuck all night like a fuck emu ♪
Boys, stop lying, that's not true ♪
Last night I was with you two ♪
We were all a little hungy ♪
So we got some food into our tummy ♪
Steak fillet, so good it hurt ♪
But we still had room for fucks ♪
We fucked here and there
But that's not all ♪
Fucked all night
'Til the break of dawn ♪
Fucking is my motherfucking favorite
thing to do ♪
I prayed to Jesus
Then I fucked him too ♪
I fucked real fast
Like a fuck jackhammer ♪
I fucked like a '90s Internet hacker ♪
I fucked real slow
It took all night long ♪
I fucked tenderly
With my big ding-dong ♪
I didn't fuck fast or slow last night ♪
Like Goldilocks, I fucked just right ♪
I like to fuck like this ♪
That's cool I guess
But I fuck like this ♪
Wowee, I fuck like this ♪
When I fuck, I like to moan ♪
I go me-may-moo-more ♪
Well, when I fuck, I like to say ♪
Round 'em up, get on back ♪
Well, when I fuck, I like to sing ♪
Round 'em up, get on back
Me-may-moo-more ♪
Round 'em up, get on back
Me-may-moo-more ♪
Morning brown, morning brown ♪
Mm yum, morning brown ♪
They're talking about coffee.
Hey, what's that?
One, two. One, two, Aunty Donna.
Broden.
Zach.
Mark.
Aunty Donna.
I've got the treasure map.
I'm gonna read the first clue,
and then we can go find the treasure, hey?
Here we go.
If it is my treasure you wish to find,
use this map and use your mind.
For muscle and brawn are wonderful things,
but wit is he that makes and breaks kings.
From this map, there's a hidden clue.
Solve it and find the riches,
the like of Jackman, Hugh.
Wow, that's Wolverine money.
I mean, that's so exciting.
What's your fucking problems?
You treat me like shit!
You can have your fucking Christmas
with your nan.
On next week's show,
we've got Weird Al Yankovic
at the special new time of 10:25 p.m.
- right after the footie.
I love Mark, I love Mark ♪
You know what, Zach?
Next time, I get to choose the song.
Deal.
I love Mark ♪
Boy, oh, boy.
I can't wait to find that booty.
What are you boys gonna do
with your share, huh?
Me, I reckon I'll buys me a sails boat
sails that boat all around the world.
That's what I'm gonna do
when we split the booty three ways.
Zachary, noble sir,
I posit we split the booty two ways
thus leaving more jewels and riches
for ourselves.
Huh, that sounds like so much fun.
I love sailing, too.
How about you, my good friend Zach?
Me? I don't really care.
Friendship is the most valuable thing
to me.
The most valuable thing to me
is pirate booty.
Let us leave Broden destitute, like a dog.
Say, boys,
what do you feel like for lunch?
Maybe some friendship spaghetti?
Noble Marcus, perchance we were
to keep the treasure for ourselves.
And leave Zach penniless and destitute
like a dog.
Maybe. I'm more in the mood
for friendship burritos.
Hey, man. I think you meant to send
that last message to Mark.
But I'm keen to dog him
if that's what you want to do?
Wow. As long as we can have
corn chips of friendship.
Oh, yeah. Shit. Sorry, man.
Yeah, let's dog Mark.
Yes. And some salsa of rapport
and guacamole of goodwill.
Hey, man. I think you meant
to send that text to Zach.
But if you guys are in on a secret scheme,
then I'm totes down.
Well, let's get started
on our Mexican friendship lunch.
Hey, guys. Sorry, just thought
it would be easier to start
a group chat on this.
Yeah, as discussed with both of you,
totes down for a coup on the pirate booty.
Should be exciting.
Yes, lunch shall be grand.
Wink.
Wink.
- Check your phone.
- Huh?
- Check your phone.
- Wink emoji.
Today's Hot Topics segment
is brought to you by Eagle Boys.
Now with no contact delivery.
Broden Kelly standing on the street
for Aunty Donna, Hollywood Blvd.
I'm here with ja. I wanna know,
what do you treasure?
- My family.
- Yeah.
It's Mark from Aunty Donna here.
We've got Jocelyn on the street.
And we're just asking her,
what do you treasure?
- Uh, life.
- Yeah.
What is it that you treasure?
- My kids.
- Hm.
- This's been a fantastic day of
- Zach!
- Zach, hey. What are you doing?
- Hey.
- Vox pops.
- Hi, guys. What's…
- Hi.
- What are vox pops?
Hot topics, like the news!
What are you doing news things for?
This is a sketch show.
But this episode is about treasure, mate.
So we're asking people what they treasure.
No offence, we've gotta get the show
back on the rails.
- Okay.
- 'Cause it's off the rails.
- A little.
- Okay?
Ed, what is it that you treasure?
Get in the…
Did you come out of Hollywood Hustler?
Get in the car.
Alright, he's swearing.
You guys proud of yourselves?
'Cause you blew it.
Do you think this is
what executive
- God
- Sorry.
- Zach!
- Sorry.
- Do you think this is
what executive producers do?
I don't really know…
what exactly executive producers do.
Well, the answer is no. Okay?
An executive producer can come to set,
you just smile,
you shake hands with people.
You don't rescue a cast
that's gone completely AWOL.
We just thought it would be really funny
to, like, break our form.
What? I can't hear you, Mark!
What Mark's trying to say is we're sorry.
Alright?
- You guys like French fries?
- Yeah.
Can I go, too?
What are you doing here?
- How did you get in here?
- I'm not sure.
- Get out!
- Get out!
- Um…
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- Eat up.
- That's so sweet of you.
Do you wanna know what I treasure most
in this world?
What?
- You guys.
- Really? Us?
- Yeah.
- No.
Yeah, I do. I really…
I mean, I really cherish you guys.
- Thank you.
- And…
I'm sorry that I got upset earlier.
Thanks. Thanks, Ed. That means the world.
Sorry. Did you say…
What are you saying my name is?
Um…
- Ed… Helms.
- It's Ed.
Do you guys all think my name is Ed?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, unless… Yeah.
Ed?
If your name's not Ed,
then what's your name?
Guys, my name is Egg. Egg Helms.
- Egg?
- Egg?
Yeah. You all thought my name was Ed?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yes.
It's Egg.
Please welcome Egg Helms.
I mean…
You're credited as Ed
on your Internet Movie Database page.
- It doesn't say that.
- You go! You go on your IMDb, man.
I want you to look at it.
Are you accusing me
of not knowing my own name?
- That's just so…
- You literally…You literally…
What the…
So, uh, Jason, there's been
quite the misunderstanding out there.
My name is Egg! It's Egg!
- Thanks for the burgers
- You can sit the down
is what you're gonna do.
Am I Ed, or am I Egg?
I thought I knew I was Egg.
I don't know who I am.
We're gonna get you a milkshake.
Get the fuck out of here!
I don't know who I am!
Booty… Booty…
Booty… Ah! Booty.
Hello, are you Mark?
- I'm Mark.
- Ah! Mark, hello! My name is Sam
- and this is Sam.
- We are two people called Sam.
- We are both from South Africa, man.
- We're from South Africa.
We're from South Africa.
- Are you the booty hunters?
- Yes, Mark!
Of course we are the booty hunters!
- We've got little booty harnesses on.
- We've got little harness, Mark.
- We're going to teach you.
- We gone to teach you.
Here, Mark.
Mark,
let's go teach you how to find booty.
Mark, here is the first lesson
of booty hunting, Mark.
- Got to learn the first lesson.
- First is the answer to this question.
- What is booty?
- Mark, what is booty?
Mark, what is booty? Tell me, Mark.
- Mark, tell me what is booty.
- Just tell me what is booty.
- I don't know, is it maybe, like
- This is not a rhetorical question.
There is an answer, and I want to know
if you know what the answer is.
Is it, like, pirate gold?
Mark, silly little boy.
Silly little Mark.
How wrong you are, Mark.
- Oh, Mark. How wrong you are.
- How wrong you are, Mark.
Mark, how wrong you are, Mark.
This boy doesn't understand.
Let me talk some sense into him.
Mark, I've got a secret.
I'm not actually from South Africa.
- What?
- I'm from New Zealand.
I've just been doing that silly accent
for 20 years.
God, it's good to be
doing my real authentic accent,
not that silly accent.
You talk sense into the boy, Sam?
I talked sense into Mark.
I hope he learns
before a cheetah gets him.
- Oh! The cheetah will come get you.
- Awful. So fast and vicious.
- Mark, have you seen District 9, Mark?
- Mark, have you seen District 9?
- District 9? Neill Blomkamp.
- Have you seen it?
- It's about prawns, Mark.
- Very powerful. Very powerful.
Not the little prawns that are swimming
around like a little prawn.
This is a prawn.
- What does this have to do with booty?
- It has everything to do with booty.
What's this have to do with booty?
This guy needs to learn
a thing or two about…
Here's the thing,
I'm from Scotland, not South Africa.
The other guy thinks
I'm from South Africa…
What possibly
could they be whispering about?
Please, for the love of crooken dookens,
help me.
- What do you…?
- Well, I told him all about it, Mark.
You need to stop talking.
We need to find booty.
- Oh, my God!
- Booty!
Oh my God! What is it?
This, Mark, is the most precious booty
one could find.
- District 9.
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
- It's a Blu-ray DVD of District 9.
- We found this buried in your backyard.
We're going to let you keep
this District 9 DVD, Mark.
But before we go, Mark,
is there anything that you would like
to broach with us, Mark?
Yes, Mark. Is there anything
that you want to talk to us about?
Guys, maybe it's time to be honest
with one another and talk about whether
you're really South African or not.
I mean, are you?
Of course we're South African,
you little shit.
South Africa! Come on, let's go.
- Bye, Mark.
- Mark, I'm flying home back to Perth now.
- Oh, my God.
- We can fly.
- Mark, we can fly, by the way.
- We learnt it from Sugar Man.
- Mark Bonanno, what are you doing?
Touché. I'm just listing all the places
where I think treasure could be.
Ah, touché.
Oh… touché.
Touché. I'm just havin' a cup of tea.
Havin' a break.
Oh… touché. I love tea.
Ah, touché.
Touché. Very good.
Ah… touché.
Do you even know what touché means?!
No.
- Touché.
- Touché.
- Touché.
- Touché.
Hello?
- Hello. Is this Zachary?
- Yes.
How are you today, Zachary?
Good. I'm just looking for some treasure,
eating some chicken, etc…
Oh, yum, yum, yum, yum. Hey, Zach.
Do you have any idea who this is?
Uh, is it Terrence Malick?
No, Zachary. It's not acclaimed
film director Terrence Malick. No.
- Zach…
- Yeah.
This is Ellen DeGeneres.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Ellen DeGeneres!
Yes. Now, Zach. We got a letter
from your best friend, Mark.
He tells us you're a little bit in debt.
Yeah, 10,000 dollars in debt.
Oh, no. And to top it off,
your car's broken down.
Yeah, just to top it all off!
Bloody awful. Well, hey, Zachary…
Yeah?
We wanna help you.
Oh!
So I want you to go to your front door.
What've you done?
I just want you to bloody go to
your front door and open your front door.
What have you done?
I just want you to bloody go to
your front door and open your front door.
Oh, alright. I'll go see
what's outside my front door,
but I don't… Oh my God!
- What is it, Zach?
- It's a brand new Toyota Corolla!
Yes, a new Toyota Corolla, thanks to
the people at Toyota Car City Ringwood.
- Oh my God!
- Hop inside. See how it feels.
- It's so roomy!
- You've got a roomy car.
Why don't you open
the glove compartment for me?
Oh my God!
- What is it, Zach?
- Oh, my God!
- Zach?
- It's 10,000 dollars in cash!
10,000 dollars in cold, hard cash.
Thanks to the people at Doritos.
Yummy Doritos. Eat 'em with cheese.
- Is there anyone else in the car?
- I don't think so,
but let me… Oh my God!
- Who is it, Zach?
- It's my long lost father!
Yes, he's returned from a war.
Oh, how I missed you, father!
- Embrace him, Zachary.
- Oh, father, how I missed you!
- Aw, how does it feel?
- It feels a little strange.
- Why?
- There's a small object taped to his back.
- What is it?
- Oh my God!
That's even better
than my long lost father!
- What is it, Zach?
- It's a brand new Samsung tablet!
Yeah, so what's playing on the screen?
It's footage of beautiful Thailand!
- Guess what, Zach?
- What?
- You're there right now.
- Oh, my God!
- Yes, tell me, what do you see?
- It's Elisha Cuthbert from 24.
She's riding on an elephant.
It's fucking majestic!
Yes. Now, has Elisha Cuthbert
got anything for you, Zach?
- Oh, my God!
- What is it, Zach?
She's given me a 20 dollar voucher
for Paul Newman's Own salad dressing!
Thanks to the people
at Paul Newman's Own.
Now I need you to take that
to a nearby grocery store.
- Okay, I'm here.
- Good. Who's working behind the counter?
- Oh, my God!
- Who is it, Zach?
It's Paul Newman! He's back from the dead.
- Yes!
- I loved you as the voice
of Doc Hudson in Cars.
- Give Paul Newman the voucher, Zachary.
- Alright.
- What's he given you in return?
- He's giving me a small velvet bag.
- Oh! What's inside the bag, Zach?
- Ooh, it's sapphires!
No, those are blood diamonds, Zachary.
Now, I need you to take them
across the Cambodian border
to the Grand Diamond Casino.
- Now, to avoid detection at the border,
I need you to hide those blood diamonds
deep in the crevices of your asshole.
- Okay, I've done it.
- Good boy. Let's get you to the casino.
- Exit through the fire escape.
- Oh my God!
- What is it, Zach?
- It's a black SUV!
That's not yours.
It's transport to the casino. Hop in.
- Okay.
- Are you travelling?
- Yes.
- Check the rear mirror, Zach.
- Is there anyone following you?
- Yes, there's a 1974 Mustang.
This is very important, Zachary.
Does the driver of that Mustang
have a scar on his left cheek?
- Yes.
- Mother of fuck.
But it makes him look cool.
Zach, I need you
to open the glove box for me.
- Oh my God!
- What is it, Zach?
- Oh my God!
- Zach?
It's a 9 by 19mm Walther P99
German semi-automatic pistol!
- Shoot the driver.
- But I've never killed a man.
- Do you trust me?
- I'm scared, Ellen!
- Do you trust me?
- I trust you,
daytime television personality,
Ellen DeGeneres!
Fire. Fire now.
- Zach! Zach!
- I've killed him!
- Good boy, Zach. Now, stay low.
- He's dead!
- Are you at the casino?
- There's blood on my head!
- Head to the roulette table.
- I'll never forget his eyes!
- Take the blood diamonds.
Place them on 34 red.
- Oh my God!
- What is it, Zach?
- I've won!
- And what's your prize?
It's a blue orb of magical energy!
Thanks to the people
at Blue Orbs of Magical Energy!
- Step into it, Zach.
- I'm stepping into the orb, Ellen.
- And what do you see?
- I see a second Toyota Corolla!
Two Toyota Corollas! Get in that one.
- Oh my God!
- What's happening?
- It's flying!
- Yes!
The Toyota Corolla is flying
through the fucking sky!
Tell me, what do you see among the clouds?
I see a wormhole, a vortex!
Travel through the wormhole, Zachary!
I'm travelling through the wormhole,
Ellen!
And what do you see?
I… see… everything!
- Yes!
- I see all corners of the universe.
I see the beginning and the end!
See as my physical form drops away.
And I become no longer mortal,
but what you may call a god!
And what else do you see?
I see a third Toyota Corolla!
Three Toyota fucking Corollas!
Three Coroll
And then, I went into a blue orb
of magical energy.
And then,
I travelled through time and space.
And that's why I'm blue now.
- Boring.
- Very boring. So Zach's a god now though.
If he's a god
and he can make anything appear,
I guess we don't really have to
search for treasure anymore.
What do we do?
Free time!
Free time!
Come on! Free! Yay!
Oh, wow! Free time!
Free time!
- Free time!
- Wee!
Free time!
Wee!
- Free time!
- Free time!
Yes!
- I love free time!
- Hooray for the ball!
No! No! No!
No free time!
Okay. Come on, Egg.
Give me that ball.
Give me the ball!
- Egg…
- No playing with a ball!
You've gotta finish this episode!
Oh, no. It's the feds.
Excuse me, sirs. You better have
an appropriate ball game permit.
Come on, cops.
Why you always gotta try and ruin our fun?
Just come play with us.
Play with you? We can't do that!
We're cops!
Haven't you ever seen the show, Cops?
If you haven't,
it's basically these cops…
- Coming in for one.
- Copy that.
Oh, my God!
Wee!
It's Abe Lincoln.
The President being here has changed
the tone of this quite dramatically.
- Broden.
- Yeah.
Roll with it.
- Don't worry. I'll get it.
- Okay.
Oh, my God!
What is it, Zach?
I think I found the pirate's booty.
Whoa!
Congratulations, boys.
I didn't think you had it in ye.
But you proved me wrong,
just like Hugh Jackman did,
when I realized he was more than just
the masculine Wolverine,
but he's a song and dance man
when he went on his arena tour.
Congratulations, Aunty Donna.
My treasure is ye.
- Oh, wow!
- Oh, my God! We're billionaires!
Congratulations!
Oh, wow. I just wanna say
thank you so much to the pirate.
I wanna say thank you to, of course,
the Aunty Donna boys.
Abraham Lincoln, could not have done it
without you.
To our wonderful law enforcement officers,
thank you.
Alright, thanks, guys. Thanks so much.
Goodnight, everyone.
Aunty Donna ♪
Aunty Donna's Big Ol' House of Fun ♪
We hope you're liking season one ♪
If not, get fucked and leave, you dog ♪
Just joking, please keep watching ♪
In this ep, we found a map ♪
Egg got mad, saw Sams fly ♪
Won three new cars
Ball games with cops ♪
Met Abe Lincoln, 'twas fucked ♪
'Twas fucked ♪
'Twas fucked ♪
'Twas fucked ♪
Met Abe Lincoln, 'twas fucked ♪
'Twas fucked ♪
'Twas fucked ♪
'Twas fucked ♪
- Met Abe Lincoln ♪
- Aunty Donna ♪
Watch, watch, watch, watching ♪
- Watch, watch, watch ♪
- Aunty ♪
- Watch, watch, watch ♪
- Donna ♪
- Watch, watch ♪
- Aunty Donna ♪