Average Joe (2023) s01e02 Episode Script

1
- Mommy, look what I found.
Mama, look.
Let's play good guys, bad guys.
- Two more minutes, OK, baby?
- Yeah.
- You and Mommy will be
the bad guys,
and I'll be the good guys.
Hands up, or I'm gonna shoot.
- OK.
- Hands up.
- Oh, no, hands up!
You got us.
- Hands up,
or I'm gonna shoot.
- Hands up.
- Mommy, hands up.
I've arrested you.
Mommy, hands up, Mommy.
- No, Donna! No, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
Oh, fuck!
Fuck!
What the fuck you just do,
motherfucker?
You idiot.
Fucking idiot.
Fucking stupid.
Fuck!
Shit!
Fuck.
Oh, shit.
Ah, fuck.
Goddamn it.
Ah!
Fuck.
Ah, ow, ow!
Fuck, fuck. Idiot!
Fucking fuck.
♪
- Jenn, you can't keep
going on like this.
You gotta calm down.
- Are you kidding me?
Dad just killed my boyfriend!
- In self-defense.
- And you believe that?
He hated Dimitri
from the beginning.
- No, baby.
He didn't hate him.
- He hated him,
and he fucking killed him!
- You gon' stop cussing
in my house.
Why are you so sweaty?
- Had to move the bodies from
the van so I can clean it.
The bodies was leaking.
- My boyfriend's body
is leaking?
- Dimitri wasn't
your boyfriend.
- He was. He was my boyfriend,
and I loved him!
- You did not love him.
- Stop saying that!
- Sweetheart, listen to me.
Dimitri only got close to you
so he can get close to me.
- That's bullshit!
- Language!
- He loved me!
- Jenn, honey, I promise.
Dimitri didn't love you.
He used you.
Look at my fucking hand.
This is what your boyfriend
did to me.
If I didn't do what I did
to him,
he would've came after you
and your mama next.
And I wasn't gon'
let that happen.
You killed him.
You're nuts!
You both are.
- I want those bodies
out of my garage.
♪
- I just gave her one of
my sleeping pills,
so she should be out
for a while.
Joe, you need to tell me
what really happened here.
- I told you
what really happened.
What, you don't believe me?
Look at my hand.
- I'm trying to here, Joe,
but--
- But what?
- So our daughter's boyfriend,
the sweetest kid
that I have ever met--
- He wasn't.
- His father is head of
a Russian crime family,
and your dad, Teddy,
was his drug mule
who stole $10 million from him?
- And a Lamborghini.
- And a Lamborghini.
- Yeah.
- And so this crime boss
sends his son
all the way to Pittsburgh
just to date our daughter
just to get close to you?
- There you go.
- To see if you know where
Teddy hid the money
before he died.
Is that right?
- Yes.
Thank you.
You finally get it.
- No!
No "thank you," Joe.
Because you sound insane.
- Of course I know
it sounds insane,
but it doesn't make it
any less true.
Shit.
It's Leon and Cathy.
Not a word of this to Cathy.
- No, not a word.
'Cause she might think we're
fuckin' nuts or something.
- Hey, Cathy.
Hi. What, uh, brings you guys
around here?
- What brings us here?
Are you fucking kidding me,
Joe?
- What?
- OK.
You're out here
acting brand new,
like I don't know shit.
This motherfucker
brings us here!
- Ah!
What did you do?
- What did I do?
This man came into our house
to kill us,
so I blew his
goddamn brains out.
What did I do? Shit!
- Shit is right.
Move the car in
the garage right now.
- You order me around
like I motherfucking
work for you, Joe.
This is not the day
to be fucking--
- I'm tired of your
light-skinned shit right now.
- You know what?
Don't bring up no light skin.
Now, you got a problem
with light skin?
Your wife look like
Jennifer Aniston from the back!
- Keep your voice down.
I got white neighbors!
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I tarnishing your image?
- Move the motherfucking car!
- Motherfucker,
I swear to God.
Shit.
You ain't got nothing to say,
huh?
Can you see? Can you hear?
Open the garage!
♪
- What are we gonna do?
No, we call Touch.
- We can't call Touch.
- We call Touch.
- We cannot call Touch.
- He'll walk us through
what needs to happen
with the police.
- We can't call Touch!
- Why do you keep saying that?
- 'Cause he's in on it.
- In on what?
- Everything.
- The money, the dead Russians,
the Lamborghini, all of it.
- Touch is in?
- Ain't that a bitch.
The one goddamn time that
a white police officer
could be useful to us,
and they got to go and
cut the motherfucker in.
- Why would you do that?
- We had to.
He was gon' call it in.
- You mean to tell me that
the police could be helping us,
but you thought it best
to pack our daughter's
dead boyfriend
in the back of
your plumbing van
and bring him home to us?
- We had a plan.
- He speaks!
- He's traumatized.
- Tell me about this plan.
- It was Joe's plan.
- Joe's plan?
- Nigga.
- I'd really like to hear
Joe's plan.
So would I.
- Well, uh, we--
we were gon' drive the bodies
up to the, uh, reservoir
and then, uh, weigh 'em down
with some bricks
that we got from Leon's store.
- Oh, so you just
giving our shit away now?
- I thought we'd sink
the bodies and then just
try and find out where the--
where the--where the--
you know,
where the $10 million is.
- That is the dumbest idea
I have ever heard.
- Bitch,
I could not agree more.
- Thank you.
- The reservoir is where
the whole city gets
its drinking water from.
You contaminate it,
they drain it,
then they find
your little Russian friends.
Game fucking over.
What we need to do is
chop these fools up.
- Ch-chop--chop--
chop up what?
- The Russians.
I saw it on one of
my murder shows.
You cut the body parts up
and then you smear
peanut butter on them.
- Peanut butter?
- Yeah.
Skippy, Jif,
whatever the fuck we want.
Then we take the pieces
deep in the woods, right?
Bears, coyotes, they come and
scoop all the body parts up
'cause they love
the peanut butter.
You'll never see them
motherfuckers again.
What?
♪
- You're a bachelor now.
Bachelor in all the heavens.
♪
- We are not
chopping anybody up
because I'm calling the FBI.
- I wouldn't do that.
- Watch me.
- Ange, don't.
- Why?
- Why?
Because I killed two men
in my father's office.
That's why. And--
- And I shot a motherfucker
in the head.
- And that part.
We went too far.
- Joe, listen to me.
This is not who we are.
This is not our life.
We are not people who shoot
other people in the head
and then chop up their bodies
and smear fucking peanut butter
on them!
I'm sorry. No.
Uh-uh.
- You know he's gonna
get arrested, right?
- It's self-defense, Cathy.
And even so,
I will get him out.
- OK, yeah.
Go ahead. Call the FBI.
They're usually pretty cool
about Black men
who admit to
killing white people.
I'll step back for a minute,
but you got to tell me
how we gon' get out of this.
- We get rid of the bodies
and then look for the money.
- That's right.
- Look, with $10 million
we can make some moves.
- Moves?
We could pay off the house.
- Mm-hmm.
- Pay off Jenn's tuition.
We can get you
the doctors you need.
- Specialists.
- Specialists!
You could finally
be healthy for once.
- In worst case scenario,
if we find the money--
I cannot believe
I'm saying this,
but we can always give
the money back to the Russians,
if that's what it'll take
to make them go away.
- You would do that?
- I would do that.
- And if anything goes wrong?
- That it's over. It's done.
It's done. It's over.
- And Jenn's safety?
- On my life, ain't nothing
gonna happen to Jenn.
Ain't nothing--nothing's
gonna happen to Jenn.
OK?
- Well, I--
- Yes!
- No.
- Did you say something?
- I said, no,
I don't think we should do it.
- OK, y'all, don't listen to
his bullshit, all right?
He clearly got that PTSD still.
- No. No, Cat.
What Angela said is right.
We, um--
we are not these people.
Our lives are not perfect,
but we're doing OK.
Right?
The store is not doing great.
But we can turn that around.
Baby,
as long as we have each other,
we have everything.
- Oh, baby.
It's not fucking true.
I hate the life we have.
Do you want to know
what I do every day?
I sit in that fucking
hardware store,
and I try to come up with
reasons not to kill myself.
And I'm out of fucking reasons.
If there's
$10 million out there,
we're looking for it.
End of goddamn story.
- You people are insane.
Are you listening
to yourselves?
Yeah, you guys are talking
about looking for money.
Are you kidding me?
We are calling the police,
and we're calling the police
right now.
- Sweetheart,
we can't call the police.
- Don't call me
your sweetheart.
I'm not your sweetheart
anymore.
- Don't do that.
- No, no, no.
Stay away from me.
- Jenn, please.
- You're in on it!
- Everyone shut up the fuck!
Shit!
- My friend in back
of station wagon in garage,
who kills this man?
- Me.
♪
I killed your friend.
- Wait!
- Leon, baby!
Oh, God.
- And don't worry.
Your friends will
join you soon.
- Where in the fuck
have you been?
♪
- Well, fuck.
Peanut butter?
- Yep.
Animals love this shit.
- Well, it's gruesome as fuck,
but it'll work.
- Hmm.
- And Joe's good with this?
- Mm.
I wouldn't say good with it,
but he's on board.
- All right.
- So you ever gonna tell us
what happened last night?
How your face got
all fucked up?
- Yeah, I, um, got called in
last night.
There was an officer down.
Big crowd.
Somebody threw a brick.
It was a real shit show.
- Bullshit!
You smell like
a goddamn distillery.
You passed the fuck out,
face first.
- Jesus, Touch.
All you had to do was watch
the van and watch the van.
- We got two fucking
dead bodies, OK?
I needed a fucking drink.
Can we move on here?
- You couldn't go one
fucking night without
getting falling over drunk?
If we're gonna
pull this shit off,
you gotta get your head
in the game.
- You worry about you, Cathy.
- Just put Baryshnikov
in the back of the van.
He'll be out for a while.
- His name is Baryshnikov?
- I don't fucking know
what his name is.
- You know, I always wanted to
be a dancer, you know.
I just didn't have the feet
for it.
- Did you tell Touch about
the plan?
- PB and chainsaws? Yeah.
- It's gonna be nasty.
- I'm aware of that.
Here's what we gon' do.
Cathy, I need you to go set up
the basement in
the hardware store.
We gon' need plastic tarps,
garbage bags,
whatever you can
get your hands on, OK?
- Got it.
- Leon, we're gonna need
peanut butter,
a lot of it.
Watch out for cameras,
and buy from
as many different stores
as possible, OK?
Then I'll meet you at
the store later on, OK?
Touch, I need for you
to follow him.
Help him unload you-know-who.
- Mm-hmm.
- And then I'll come around
later with Baryshnikov,
whatever the fuck
you call his name.
All right?
- OK.
You heard the man.
♪
- Don't you ever
step in front of me
when a motherfucker like that
asks who killed his friend.
♪
Drive.
♪
Put Dimitri with
the other two guys in the back.
♪
- Do you need anything else?
- No, I got it.
- Are we really doing this?
- Yeah.
We doing this.
- Got some cameras?
There's no cameras,
no cameras, no cameras.
Finally.
Uh, hey, excuse me.
Do you guys sell peanut butter?
- We do. It's kind of
what we're known for,
that and cashew butter.
I make it myself.
- Cool, cool.
Can I have some?
- Oh, we're kind of closed
for the night.
- Oh, come on, come on.
Uh, what's your name?
- Apple.
- Of course it is.
This is super important, Apple.
Can you help me out,
brother to--
I want to say brother?
- Of course.
Of course I'll help you.
- Thank you.
- Right this way.
- Thank you.
♪
- Where you been?
- Every store in this
motherfucking city has cameras.
Jesus Christ.
This is--
this is really happening, huh?
- You up for this?
- I mean, I guess so.
- I said
Are you up for this?
- Yeah.
I'm definitelyfucking up.
Fuck me, daddy.
- Bitch, I own you.
- Take it all.
Yeah.
Yes.
Oh, shit. God--
- Were y'all about to fuck?
- Yep, uh--
I'ma go, uh, on lookout.
- Lookout, lookout.
- I'm about to bring them in.
Chop up some bodies.
Yeah, can we get
our fuck on real quick?
Nasty motherfuckers.
- Seriously?
Is that what you got him
strapped to?
- Yeah.
Fucker's heavy.
You got a better idea,
Mr. Fucking Wizard?
- Well, yeah. The cart was only
meant to carry 150 pound load.
- You're a 150 pound load.
What is this?
You're going to chop me
and my friend up?
This is for scare.
You don't have the yaytsa.
- Hmm.
- We're not chopping up
your fucking friend.
You are.
That is very funny.
Just tell me where Dimitri is,
and I will kill you all
quickly.
Very little of the pain.
- Talk to me about my father.
How long did he work for
your boss?
- Give me the boy.
- You can have that
little motherfucker.
Answer the question.
- Ah, your father.
Teddy? Was this his name?
- That's right.
- OK, Teddy, Teddy.
Teddy was a
pussy.
Fucking mudak.
- Hey, Joe. OK. Joe.
- Should have
just stayed home ♪
Should have never let you ♪
- Never let you leave ♪
Such a lover girl ♪
I fall too quick
with my heart open ♪
It shatters again ♪
- How you feeling?
- Confused.
Stupid.
Angry, sad.
- Me too.
- Daddy had to do
what he had to do, right?
- You know your father.
- No, I thought I did, but--
- You do.
And it's like he said.
If he hadn't gotten
out of there alive,
then Dimitri or somebody else
would've come after you
or me next.
- Dimitri would have
never hurt me.
Dimitri was
the love of my life.
- The love of your life, baby?
It was five months.
- No, it was only five months,
but it was real.
- Jenn, I know you felt like--
- It was real!
And Daddy didn't have to--
- He did.
He did, baby.
He wasn't gonna take
that chance.
He wasn't gonna
let that happen.
I know. Come here, come here.
Come here.
- What's gonna happen
to Dimitri, Mom?
To his body?
- Your father's gonna bury him.
Somewhere nice and quiet.
- We're not fucking around,
man!
- Yeah, motherfucker!
- OK! I will do it.
- You do it!
- I do it.
- Bitch!
- Touch!
- Shit.
- Shoot him, Touch.
Shoot him in
the fucking head, Touch.
- He won't do this.
- Ah.
- You will bring me the boy.
You will bring me Dimitri.
And then he and I will
leave this place.
- You put that
fucking gun down.
We'll bring you Dimitri.
- I will fucking do it!
You want Dimitri?
He wants Dimitri.
Lee, go get him.
- Nothing funny.
- Nah, nothing funny.
Lee, go get Dimitri.
♪
That's what you want, right?
♪
There you go.
♪
- No.
No, no, no, no, no.
You killed the boy?
- Hey.
- You killed the boy?
You are dead!
- Oh, hey!
Fucking take it easy.
- All of you!
- Take it easy.
I am dead too.
- What the fuck is happening?
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Um, I don't know.
Hey.
Hey!
When you said you're dead too,
what did you mean?
- Yes, all of us.
You know what is
"Vorovskoy Zakon"?
- Yeah, that's "thieves code"
in Russian.
I thought that was
just all bullshit.
- It's real shit.
If you accept
Vorovskoy Zakon,
there are strict rules
you must follow.
You can never have family
because family can be used
against you by enemies.
Dimitri's father made exception
for me.
I have wife and daughter.
With Dimitri's death,
I have broken my vow
to protect him.
My family's life will be taken
as punishment.
Unless
You know what is
samoubiystvo?
- Oh, shit.
- What?
- He has to fucking
kill himself.
- In public.
I must wear my shame.
If I do this,
my family will not be harmed.
If I do not,
they will die like me.
- He's bullshitting, Joe.
He's--he's fucking with us.
- Why then did I put down gun?
Shit.
Fuck!
- Hey, hey. English.
- We must speak English.
- Why English?
Tell me what is wrong.
What is happening?
- I am, uh--
I am call to say goodbye.
No.
- It is what has to be.
We talked of this.
- You can run.
We can find you.
- No. No, no, no.
No run.
It's OK. You and Yulia will
be provided for.
Can--can I see my Yulia?
- Always.
♪
- So you think we should
just cut him in half?
- What?
- I--
I said do you think
we should just
cut him in half to start or--
- Fuck, Touch. I don't know.
Why don't you just
think of him as, like,
a tree or some shit.
- A tree?
- Yeah, you know, just start by
cutting off the limbs,
and then deal with the trunk.
You know, if coyotes and shit
are gonna be running off
the parts,
they gotta be small.
- Yeah, yeah.
That's a good point.
Hey, look at you,
Mr. Smarty Pants.
OK, so here's the deal.
How's about we cut off
the legs first.
I give them to you.
You could break them down
from there.
You remove the calf and
the feet and whatnot.
And then we do the arms.
You take the hands, the elbows,
that kind of shit.
And then I guess we leave
the head for last.
- Sure.
Yeah, let's--let's do that.
- All right.
Oh, wait a minute.
You gotta get him naked.
- Why?
- Because we're putting
peanut butter on the body.
We cannot do that
with the clothes on.
So take his clothes
fucking off.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why do I have to be
the one that strips him down,
all right?
I got the chainsaw.
I did my part.
- Seriously,
take off his pants.
- You could have just asked.
I didn't--
- All right.
♪
Hey, why don't you come around
and grab the--
- Your father, Teddy,
he was a good man.
- Was my father's death
an accident or
or did you or did
somebody kill him?
- It was accident.
If not, I would know.
♪
My name is Molotov Borovkov
son of Oxana and Alexi,
husband to Polina,
father to--
♪
Father to Yulia.
My word is my honor!
Run!
- My word is my honor!
- Lee, you all right?
- You OK?
- Sorry, Joe. I just--
I couldn't do it.
- What?
You're gonna be all right.
Buddy.
- It's OK, man. It's OK, Lee.
It's OK, buddy. It's all right.
It's all right, man.
- It's all right, man.
It's all right. It's all right.
We're gon' be all right.
♪
- What you find, ah ♪
What you feel, ah ♪
- Make sure to spread
the peanut butter all over.
- Yeah.
- What you know, ah ♪
To be real ♪
♪
What you find, ah ♪
- I think I love you, baby ♪
- What you feel, ah ♪
- I feel I need you, baby ♪
- What you know, ah ♪
Oh, oh, oh, to be real ♪
♪
Ooh ♪
Your love's for real now ♪
- What you think, ah ♪
- I think I love you, baby ♪
- What you feel, ah ♪
- I feel I need you, baby ♪
- What you know, ah ♪
Oh, oh, oh, to be real ♪
♪
Ooh ♪
Your love's for real now ♪
You know that
your love is my love ♪
And my love is your love ♪
Our love is here to
stay-yay-yay-yay ♪
Hoo ♪
♪
- Gross.
- Huh.
That shit works.
I have a fucking gun!
Come on, you motherfuckers,
if you want some!
Fuck this.
What in the fuck, Touch? Jesus!
- You scared the shit
out of us.
Get in here.
- Can we go, please?
- Did you get rid of
everything?
- Yeah, yeah.
They're real deep, OK?
Animals came. Bodies are gone.
Now can we please
get the fuck out of here?
- What's that shit
all over your face?
- It's peanut butter.
I fell. Fuck you.
- Can we drive?
♪
♪
♪
You were right.
We're not those kind of people.
I love you.
We're done.
It's over.
On the beach with me, bitch.
- Damn.
Let's go!
This is a big hill, dude.
This is a big hill.
- Holy fucking shit.
- Oh, that's a--
that's a fucking head, bro.
- Bro!
- Bro.
♪
- What'd I do? ♪
Have I lost this time? ♪
Yeah, what did I do? ♪
Have I lost my mind? ♪
Yeah, what did I do,
do, do, do, do, do, do? ♪
What did I do, do, do,
do, do, do, do, do? ♪
Yeah, how about you? ♪
Did I pay this time? ♪
How do I know? ♪
Was I late this time? ♪
Yeah, what did I do? ♪
- Hey ♪