Axe Cop (2013) s01e02 Episode Script
Zombie Island... In Space
- ( bubbling ) - ( glass breaks ) - There he is! - What are you doing? - ( dog barking ) - Where are you taking me? Scientist: Adolf Hitler! I had a feeling you were behind all this.
( German accent ) Of course you did, Chemist M.
You are the smartest man in the world.
Yes, I am.
But whatever you want from me, forget it.
- I'll never help you! - Don't help me.
Help her! - Daddy! - ( barking ) Isabella! No! Now, chemist m, You are going to build me an evil army An evil unstoppable army An evil unstoppable army of zombies! On zombie island In space! ( maniacal laughter ) Boy: One day, at the scene of the fire The cop found the perfect axe.
That was the day he became Axe Cop! So he had tryouts and hired a partner.
Axe Cop: I will chop your heads off! I understand we returned it late, but can you just waive the late fee this time? - I'm not saying it's your fault, ma'am.
- ( knocking ) - I am not raising my voice.
I'm trying to talk over you - Because you won't stop talking! - ( pounding on door ) Axe Cop, can you get that? I'm on the phone with the dinosaur-horn store.
Axe Cop, what are you doing? I'm imagining myself with different hair and mustache styles.
- I'll have to call you back.
- ( phone clicks ) Oh, hi.
Uh, can I help you? ( British accent ) Are you the one they call Axe Cop? No, I am.
What's wrong with your voice? Nothing.
Everyone from London, England, has to talk like this.
My name is Isabella m.
My father was-- Chemist M, the smartest man in the world.
He was kidnapped by Nazis and no one, not even me, knows where they took him.
- It's a mystery.
- Was a mystery.
I recently uncovered these lost Nazi files.
They contain my father's exact location.
Your father is on zombie island in space? And even if there is only the slightest chance he's still alive, I have to know for sure.
Axe Cop, will you help me? Only if you tell me how you think I'd look with a mohawk and a handlebar mustache? Hmmm.
Honestly, I think you'd look better with crazy pizza hair and a super curly beard and mustache - with a robot ghost inside.
- That is correct.
( whistles ) Wexter! - ( growling ) - Let's go.
Flute Cop: How much longer? Wrong.
We're here.
- ( booming ) - What was that? ( screaming ) - ( grunts ) - ( screams continue ) - Oh, thank you.
- I'm married.
- ( growls ) - What the heck? - ( moaning ) - A jet-pack-wearing zombie!? I'll chop your head off! I love killing zombies.
- ( jet-packs zooming ) - ( moaning ) ( screams ) Something's weird.
Zombies always fight me till I chop off their heads.
- ( moans ) - Come back here, zombies! - ( moaning ) - Isabella: We're not safe here.
Let's hide in that dark cave.
Oh my goodness, it's father's laboratory! This is father's laboratory! It's just like the laboratory he had back at home.
Look at this! Now I'm no videologist, but maybe this VHS tape can tell us - what happened to your father.
- Oh, ripping! ( Tape clicks) Daddy! That's my daddy on the telly-- Which is what we call a television in London, England.
It's day 28.
Even though Adolf Hitler sent me here from London, England, To create an evil zombie army, I have been working on a cure.
A secret potion that will turn zombies good.
My secret potion is almost complete.
- All it needs is a bit of cinnamon.
- ( glass breaks ) - Oh, bloody heck! No no no no! - ( zombie moaning ) - No-ooo! - Oh no! My brilliant brain! - ( Isabella crying ) no.
- ( flute playing ) Oh daddy.
( zooming ) ( moaning ) Axe Cop: Zombies are too stupid to build a giant 300-foot zombie robot on their own.
A bad guy must be controlling them-- A really smart bad guy.
Attention, zombies.
Thanks to you, my zombie robot is finally ready for launch! - ( walkie-talkie beeps ) - Flute Cop: Axe Cop, come in.
- What? - We have good news and bad news! The good news: Chemist M was working on a potion - to turn zombies into good guys.
- The bad news - Let me guess - No, let me just tel-- - The bad news is his brain Was eaten by a zombie before he finished it.
Well yeah.
How did you know? Because the zombie who ate the world's smartest brain Took the world's smartest poop.
That's impossible.
Zombies don't poop.
Tell that to Mr.
Doo Doo.
That's Dr.
Doo Doo to you, Axe Cop.
I've come too far to have you stop me From completing my plan, which is to go to London, England, Marry the queen and use her scepter To take over the world.
Zombies, get him! ( Doo Doo cackles ) Cheerio! - ( engines zoom ) - ( Axe Cop shouting ) We need to go, now.
Dr.
Doo doo is flying to London, England.
London, England? But why? Because that's where poop gets its power.
- Let's go! - No.
I'm staying.
Your father's brain was eaten.
He's a zombie now.
- There's nothing more you can do.
- Yes, there is.
I can finish my father's work.
I can create a potion that will turn zombies good, Then I can find my zombie father, Let him eat my brains so I can turn into a zombie too, And then I will pour the potion onto both of us And turn us both into good zombies.
- That's a gross plan.
- Isabella, are you sure? I've been without my father my whole life And this is the only way I can be reunited with him.
Now go to London, England, where I am from and save the world! Seriously, I'm married.
( Humming "God Save The Queen" ) - ( crashes ) - ( screams ) How dare you, zombie robot?! I am The Queen of London, England! ( whirrs ) And I am Dr.
Doo Doo, Your new husband.
- ( organ playing ) - Do you, The Queen of London, England, Take this man to be your husband? - ( whirring ) - I do.
Do you, Dr.
Doo Doo, take this woman to be your wife? Yes, yes, come on.
Hurry this along! I now pronounce you King and Queen of London, England.
Queen, you may give him your scepter.
And now to complete my plan.
Husband, what are you doing? I am making everyone in the world poop their pants! - That's ridicul-- - Shhh.
Poo-oop! - ( gasping ) - ( bell tolls ) ( groans ) - ( alarm ringing ) - ( screams ) Oh no, everyone in the world has pooped themselves to death.
This is only the beginning.
Oh no.
No! He's making Doo-Doo soldiers! - ( clangs ) - ( marching ) What are we going to do now!? Wait! That's Isabella and her father! They're good zombies.
I can tell by their smiles.
- They're coming to help us! - Her gross plan worked.
( explosions ) ( snarling, groaning ) We need to go kill Dr.
Doo Doo.
To the queen's palace! ( gunfire ) I've been waiting for this moment my entire life.
( squelches ) Today, I, Dr.
Doo Doo, Will make the great Axe Cop Poop himself to death! - What the bloody heck? - ( growling ) I don't understand?! Why aren't you pooping?! My body is 100% efficient - And uses everything I eat.
- What?! I don't poop.
( whistles ) Wexter! Fire attack! ( laughing ) You let your own dinosaur light you on fire.
Axe Cop: I am not concerned with fire.
It just turns me into Axe Cop Fire! - Queen: Help! - No-ooo! I hope you like being dead, Dr.
Doo Doo.
( stomps ) - ( gasps ) - ( all cheering ) Flute Cop, we're switching boots.
- ( cheering ) - Axe Cop has saved London, England, where we all live.
- ( moans ) - To show my royal appreciation, I grant Axe Cop One new wish.
I wish for all poop to go into space And for no one to poop ever again.
Well, maybe that's unnecessary.
I enjoy a good poop.
( theme music playing )
( German accent ) Of course you did, Chemist M.
You are the smartest man in the world.
Yes, I am.
But whatever you want from me, forget it.
- I'll never help you! - Don't help me.
Help her! - Daddy! - ( barking ) Isabella! No! Now, chemist m, You are going to build me an evil army An evil unstoppable army An evil unstoppable army of zombies! On zombie island In space! ( maniacal laughter ) Boy: One day, at the scene of the fire The cop found the perfect axe.
That was the day he became Axe Cop! So he had tryouts and hired a partner.
Axe Cop: I will chop your heads off! I understand we returned it late, but can you just waive the late fee this time? - I'm not saying it's your fault, ma'am.
- ( knocking ) - I am not raising my voice.
I'm trying to talk over you - Because you won't stop talking! - ( pounding on door ) Axe Cop, can you get that? I'm on the phone with the dinosaur-horn store.
Axe Cop, what are you doing? I'm imagining myself with different hair and mustache styles.
- I'll have to call you back.
- ( phone clicks ) Oh, hi.
Uh, can I help you? ( British accent ) Are you the one they call Axe Cop? No, I am.
What's wrong with your voice? Nothing.
Everyone from London, England, has to talk like this.
My name is Isabella m.
My father was-- Chemist M, the smartest man in the world.
He was kidnapped by Nazis and no one, not even me, knows where they took him.
- It's a mystery.
- Was a mystery.
I recently uncovered these lost Nazi files.
They contain my father's exact location.
Your father is on zombie island in space? And even if there is only the slightest chance he's still alive, I have to know for sure.
Axe Cop, will you help me? Only if you tell me how you think I'd look with a mohawk and a handlebar mustache? Hmmm.
Honestly, I think you'd look better with crazy pizza hair and a super curly beard and mustache - with a robot ghost inside.
- That is correct.
( whistles ) Wexter! - ( growling ) - Let's go.
Flute Cop: How much longer? Wrong.
We're here.
- ( booming ) - What was that? ( screaming ) - ( grunts ) - ( screams continue ) - Oh, thank you.
- I'm married.
- ( growls ) - What the heck? - ( moaning ) - A jet-pack-wearing zombie!? I'll chop your head off! I love killing zombies.
- ( jet-packs zooming ) - ( moaning ) ( screams ) Something's weird.
Zombies always fight me till I chop off their heads.
- ( moans ) - Come back here, zombies! - ( moaning ) - Isabella: We're not safe here.
Let's hide in that dark cave.
Oh my goodness, it's father's laboratory! This is father's laboratory! It's just like the laboratory he had back at home.
Look at this! Now I'm no videologist, but maybe this VHS tape can tell us - what happened to your father.
- Oh, ripping! ( Tape clicks) Daddy! That's my daddy on the telly-- Which is what we call a television in London, England.
It's day 28.
Even though Adolf Hitler sent me here from London, England, To create an evil zombie army, I have been working on a cure.
A secret potion that will turn zombies good.
My secret potion is almost complete.
- All it needs is a bit of cinnamon.
- ( glass breaks ) - Oh, bloody heck! No no no no! - ( zombie moaning ) - No-ooo! - Oh no! My brilliant brain! - ( Isabella crying ) no.
- ( flute playing ) Oh daddy.
( zooming ) ( moaning ) Axe Cop: Zombies are too stupid to build a giant 300-foot zombie robot on their own.
A bad guy must be controlling them-- A really smart bad guy.
Attention, zombies.
Thanks to you, my zombie robot is finally ready for launch! - ( walkie-talkie beeps ) - Flute Cop: Axe Cop, come in.
- What? - We have good news and bad news! The good news: Chemist M was working on a potion - to turn zombies into good guys.
- The bad news - Let me guess - No, let me just tel-- - The bad news is his brain Was eaten by a zombie before he finished it.
Well yeah.
How did you know? Because the zombie who ate the world's smartest brain Took the world's smartest poop.
That's impossible.
Zombies don't poop.
Tell that to Mr.
Doo Doo.
That's Dr.
Doo Doo to you, Axe Cop.
I've come too far to have you stop me From completing my plan, which is to go to London, England, Marry the queen and use her scepter To take over the world.
Zombies, get him! ( Doo Doo cackles ) Cheerio! - ( engines zoom ) - ( Axe Cop shouting ) We need to go, now.
Dr.
Doo doo is flying to London, England.
London, England? But why? Because that's where poop gets its power.
- Let's go! - No.
I'm staying.
Your father's brain was eaten.
He's a zombie now.
- There's nothing more you can do.
- Yes, there is.
I can finish my father's work.
I can create a potion that will turn zombies good, Then I can find my zombie father, Let him eat my brains so I can turn into a zombie too, And then I will pour the potion onto both of us And turn us both into good zombies.
- That's a gross plan.
- Isabella, are you sure? I've been without my father my whole life And this is the only way I can be reunited with him.
Now go to London, England, where I am from and save the world! Seriously, I'm married.
( Humming "God Save The Queen" ) - ( crashes ) - ( screams ) How dare you, zombie robot?! I am The Queen of London, England! ( whirrs ) And I am Dr.
Doo Doo, Your new husband.
- ( organ playing ) - Do you, The Queen of London, England, Take this man to be your husband? - ( whirring ) - I do.
Do you, Dr.
Doo Doo, take this woman to be your wife? Yes, yes, come on.
Hurry this along! I now pronounce you King and Queen of London, England.
Queen, you may give him your scepter.
And now to complete my plan.
Husband, what are you doing? I am making everyone in the world poop their pants! - That's ridicul-- - Shhh.
Poo-oop! - ( gasping ) - ( bell tolls ) ( groans ) - ( alarm ringing ) - ( screams ) Oh no, everyone in the world has pooped themselves to death.
This is only the beginning.
Oh no.
No! He's making Doo-Doo soldiers! - ( clangs ) - ( marching ) What are we going to do now!? Wait! That's Isabella and her father! They're good zombies.
I can tell by their smiles.
- They're coming to help us! - Her gross plan worked.
( explosions ) ( snarling, groaning ) We need to go kill Dr.
Doo Doo.
To the queen's palace! ( gunfire ) I've been waiting for this moment my entire life.
( squelches ) Today, I, Dr.
Doo Doo, Will make the great Axe Cop Poop himself to death! - What the bloody heck? - ( growling ) I don't understand?! Why aren't you pooping?! My body is 100% efficient - And uses everything I eat.
- What?! I don't poop.
( whistles ) Wexter! Fire attack! ( laughing ) You let your own dinosaur light you on fire.
Axe Cop: I am not concerned with fire.
It just turns me into Axe Cop Fire! - Queen: Help! - No-ooo! I hope you like being dead, Dr.
Doo Doo.
( stomps ) - ( gasps ) - ( all cheering ) Flute Cop, we're switching boots.
- ( cheering ) - Axe Cop has saved London, England, where we all live.
- ( moans ) - To show my royal appreciation, I grant Axe Cop One new wish.
I wish for all poop to go into space And for no one to poop ever again.
Well, maybe that's unnecessary.
I enjoy a good poop.
( theme music playing )