Back in the Game s01e02 Episode Script

1 - No, mom! - Danny, where's the alarm? It's on the chair.
We have a chair? Ohh! - Do not go in there! - But I've got to brush my teeth.
Nothing in that bathroom goes in your mouth.
No.
Hey! Hey, hey! Hey, Rocky, what are you doing? Danny and I are living on top of each other.
I don't get why you sleep in the guest room when you have a perfectly good master bedroom.
We need the extra bathroom.
Unlock this door.
It's not gonna happen.
This room is a disaster.
There's not even a seat for the crapper, okay? - So one will have to do.
- It won't do.
Hazmat suits can't protect us from what you drop.
It's horrifying.
It's like you took a number three in there.
Please try to make do, won't you? Oh, god.
This isn't gonna work.
I have to find a job so Danny and I can move out of here.
Well, that would be swell, 'cause there's a huge demand - for college dropouts nowadays.
- There's lots that I could do.
I could sell cars.
I did it for my dumb ex-husband's car dealership, and I was the best one on that lot.
- Look, you do what you got to do.
- Okay.
But we all know how that worked out for you the last time.
You got divorced and you moved in here.
Where you gonna move in next? Your Aunt Sylvia's? She's dead.
Who the hell was I talking to on the phone? I'm going in.
1x02 - "Stay In or Bail Out" Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's a team.
- And this - Ow! is just a bunch of dumb kids with hats.
Ow! Hey, we have the field.
Oh.
Hey, um, let me ask you something.
How and what? What can you possibly teach these kids? I am teaching them how an unemployed, divorced single mother with an old tumor attached to her can accomplish anything.
That's really very nice, but, uh why don't you teach them how to hit? Here, you don't tell me what to do.
I am the manager.
You're the assistant.
- I've got everything under control.
- Mm-hmm.
I can see that.
Amigo, down! - You're in America already! - Cannon.
I was born in Irvine, you gringo.
Cannon, I've got this, okay? Dong! Dong! - Dong! Dong! Dong! - Step and spin and step and spin.
Dongerang! Ooh, yeah - Yes, you got it.
- Dudley, what are you doing? uh-huh Ooh, yeah look at me, look at me, look at me, I'm a winner you're a winner it's just as simple as that Hey, lady, that was close! # don't you agree, don't you agree # don't you agree that I'm a winner? you're a winner you just can't argue with that look at me, look at me, look at me, I'm a winner you're a winner just as simple as that no, no, no Guys, you are never gonna get a hit if you keep bailing out of the batter's box.
It just seems safer outside of the batter's box.
You scared in that box? I'm scared in that box.
Might as well be a coffin.
All right, boys.
Come on.
Everybody out.
Let's go.
Come on.
Hustle up.
Gather up.
Ginger boys, come here.
All right, listen up.
I want you to feel over here on this side of my head over here.
- Yay! - Yay! - No, don't rub it.
Feel.
- Ugh.
- It feels like chunky - Soup.
Look, guys.
I got beaned three times in my Major League career by big leaguers, right? So I've got a couple of these little dents in my head.
But look at me.
I'm fine.
I'm perfectly fine.
I just can't taste vanilla.
No big deal, right? Hey, guys.
Look.
There are moments in your lives when you have to conquer your fears.
That's where we are now.
Look, being afraid of getting hit by the ball is normal.
But even if it does hit you, it only stings for a second.
Ray Chapman was killed by the Yankees' pitcher Carl Mays.
That was 100 years ago.
So was the Titanic.
You crying about that? I always cry over the Titanic.
Why didn't she help him back into that raft? Oh, point is, stay in the box, okay? The Cannon's gonna finish up practice.
W-w-where you going? I told you.
I'm getting out of that house.
So unless you clean up that room, I'm going to look for work.
Well, that's just fine.
All right, guys.
I guess we're gonna run a bunch of laps now.
Thanks, uh, to coach unemployment over there.
Let's go.
Let's hit it.
Drop the bats.
Don't jog.
Don't trot.
Run! - Here comes Terry.
- Oh, hey, Terry.
- Hmm? - If you're, uh, looking for work, I'm not only league president and god to all these coaches.
I also own a construction company, which would be perfect work for you.
You got to wear a hard hat, so that hair won't be a problem.
And you already have just a filthy, hot mouth.
- I'd rather have bird flu than work for you.
- What? I'd rather have an index finger six feet long that never bends.
What does that mean? I'd rather show you where my tattoo is.
- Filthy.
- Never that's the point.
Oh, man.
I mean, look.
I know it's only one job, but technically it is a résumé.
Hello? Hmm.
Okay.
Wow.
Ugh.
The last thing I want to do is sell cars again.
Screw it.
Customer Parker to financing.
Customer Parker to financing, please.
Hey! - I wasn't - Where did you get this key, Sherlock? - Uh, it was - I told you this room was off limits.
- What did you see? - I saw You saw nothing.
You saw absolutely nothing.
- Here.
- Mm-hmm.
Don't say a word to you mother.
- 20 bucks? - Cute.
Here's $40.
- Just so that we're clear.
- We're not.
Stay out of the room and zip it, okay? - Bye.
- Okay.
Mm-hmm.
All right, all right, all right.
- This is impressive.
Yeah.
- Damn right.
I have sold cars to all of those celebrities in Michigan, home of the big three.
- Big three.
- See? You know.
- Yeah, I've heard of it.
- Yeah.
I'm tough, and I can talk.
Like fat guys and water slides, it is a lethal blend, Eric.
- You're also hot.
- Mm.
Okay.
Job is yours if you want it.
Congratulations.
Mm-hmm.
Great.
I'm gonna go get you some start paperwork you can take with you, okay, Mary? Terry.
Hey, guys! You got to meet this chick! Vodka, vodka, vodka, vodka, vodka, vodka.
Oh, Lulu, I do not want to sell cars.
Oh, why not, darling? Everybody loves a car salesman.
No.
No, they don't.
It's like the most universally hated job.
Nazis, car salesmen, serial killers in that order.
Have you ever been to a car dealership.
It's like such a sexist environment.
What? Darling, you can handle that.
You're very butch.
Now, if I was a Martini glass, where would my maid put me? I don't know if I'm butch, but, yes, you know, you're right.
I can do anything a man can do.
Darling, if you could, then we would not be talking because you're young, blond, and desperate, and that's my sweet spot.
See, I just don't know if I'm qualified to do anything else.
And I hated myself when I sold cars.
I was competitive and superficial and empty.
Everybody hates their jobs.
That's why there are alcohol salesmen, hmm? It's the circle of life.
Commute, work, and medicate.
It's the american way, and if that's the only way you're gonna get out of that house, if it's your only option, then take the job.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- Cannonball.
- Yeah.
Why can't you stay in the batter's box? Were you adopted? - What? No.
I'm scared of the ball.
- Why? Because when a baseball hits you, it feels like a baseball hits you.
- Then get out of the way.
- That's exactly what I'm doing by stepping out of the batter's box.
- Yeah, but then you'll never get a hit.
- Or a concussion.
Look, someway, somehow, I'm gonna get you to stay in that box.
I mean, if it kills you.
- Good morning.
- Hey, mom.
You look nice.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, how's the job hunt going? Great.
I got an offer already.
So why don't you take it and then take off? - What is your problem? - You know, in my day, when somebody gave you something completely free, like a roof over your head, you said, "thank you.
" I have no idea what this is.
This is because you won't clean out a room.
Hell, I will go clean it out for you.
What could possibly be in there anyway? It's floor to ceiling.
Mind your business.
Now, I'm not gonna tell you twice.
You stay out of there.
Stay out of there.
You just said that twice.
- No, it was one each.
- Fine.
Remember, today's your first practice alone with the kids.
Work on keeping them in the box.
Nothing crazy.
What am I gonna do, kidnap them? In the van.
Let's go.
Everybody pass up your permission slips.
- These permission slips are pretty vague.
- It limits my liability.
If you don't get back in this van by the end of the day, - it's not my problem.
- Then whose problem is it? Your parents, society, Obama.
I don't care.
Just buckle up.
Dang it! It's done.
Okay? Hey, hey! I'm up.
You take one more step, and I'll wear you like a cheap suit.
You're not gonna like the way you look.
I guarantee it.
Hi.
I'm Terry.
How can I help you? This place is no bueno, Mr.
The Cannon.
- My uncle lives here.
- Come on.
How bad could it be? Hello? It's a prison! It's shiv amnesty day.
Turn in your shiv All right, boys, this is, uh, my coach, and he's the warden here.
And he, uh, kind of recruits and trains the very best baseball players who have committed felonies throughout these United States.
And Puerto Rico.
- And Guam.
- And Guam.
You know, nothing warms my heart as much than to meet young ballplayers.
Hey, Chow! Trade your uniform for a jumpsuit! Oh.
Now, I hear that you're having trouble staying in the batter's box.
Let me introduce you to three killer baseball players who are going to help you.
So you boys are here because you're afraid of a little baseball? Hey, Cannon, you think maybe we should Speak up! - You know why they call me Blade? - Because you were an ice skater? - Clouds make me angry.
- That makes no sense.
Oh, we're dead.
I've got great news.
We were able to get you financed.
That's fantastic.
What's my rate? Oh, it's a great rate.
Yeah, it'll keep those weekly payments right where you wanted them.
You know, I'm so glad that I met you.
I feel like a lot salesmen just want to take advantage - of a single mom.
- Ugh.
I've been saving up for this car for, like, 14 years.
Are you serious? That's a lot of years.
Lots o' years.
That's why I need a new car now because my daughter Isabel loves gymnastics and those lessons cost a fortune.
- It's a long commute to nationals.
- Ah, nut bug.
- I'm sorry? - I can't do this to you.
At this rate, you're buying a $15,000 car for $38,000.
Okay, listen to me.
Go to the lot across the street.
Tell them you won't pay more than 7%.
Be firm and believe me, they will take the deal.
Okay? Now run out of here, Jennifer.
- I said run! - Oh Thank you, Terry.
Hey.
Hey, what just happened? How did you blow that? - She was a dumb woman.
- Thank you, Eric.
I am no longer conflicted about the next five minutes.
- Huh? - Eh? By the way, I quit! Hey! Where you going, Mary?! - Terry! It's Terry! - Terry? You there? Man, it's hot in here.
Whew! When you bail out of the box, pretty soon you're bailing out of the classroom.
And then you start skipping school.
And that's where you hatch your plan to rob the liquor store.
Then you get all hopped up with that money on goofballs and you wind up on a boat, naked, with an owl as your friend.
And the owl is a solitary creature by nature, - so that's no friend.
- Right! Right! No friend at all.
When you bail out on a pitch, you're bailing out on your team.
You're bailing out on your dreams or something.
Am I clear? Yes, Cannon.
Am I clear? Yes, Cannon! That's what I want to hear.
All of you better stay in that batter's box, or you can stay in that sweat box over there for a month.
Stay in the box! Bikram Yoga in prison? Very progressive.
Who said Bikram Yoga?! Look here.
Senseless Paul is going to pitch to you hard.
Why is Silent Julio talking? Dong! If you step out that box, them dogs is not gonna like it.
Cannon, what should I do? Hey, will you cool these dogs down for a minute, please? Cool them down.
Hey.
Come here.
Give me this.
You've done stuff much scarier than this.
Think about it.
You left Michigan.
You left your house there.
Y-y-you came to a new school.
You took care of your mom.
You get in there one time one time and I promise you you will never be afraid again.
You'll want to do it 1,000 times.
Trust me, please.
You'll see.
All right? Let's go.
Hey! Did did he get a piece of that? What?! He got a piece of it! Yeah! You got a piece of it, man.
That's a great bunch of boys you got there, Cannon.
Yeah.
Well, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go execute a guy.
End to a perfect day.
- Thanks again, buddy.
- Thank you.
Hmm, first time I'm here, with good reason.
Hi.
I'm sorry.
I just needed a cheap beer to cleanse myself of the disgusting job I just quit.
No, I want to make my own money at a job I feel good about.
Eh.
Feminist.
Blah.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Uh, can we get two slices and a pitcher of beer? Oh, sorry.
We don't have slices.
And we don't have pitchers, either.
- You know this is America, right? - No slices.
Only pies.
- Can I talk to your manager? - We'll just take, um A medium sausa uh, uh, great.
You know, the Cannon used to bring me to a place like this when I was young.
Yeah, we'd hit the cage, share a slice.
He'd drink four pitchers of beer, punch a guy, - and we'd take the bus home.
- Hi.
You wanted to see me? Uh, yeah.
Your, uh, no-slice policy is ridiculous.
Uh-huh.
This should be a place where I can bring my kid when I just want to spend five bucks and have 10 great minutes with him.
And I know he'll leave happy, even though the slice was so hot it took a layer of skin off his roof.
And everyone knows pitchers are easier to serve, by the way.
Less refills.
You know what? Those are really good ideas.
- Yeah.
- You should work here.
Right.
- Right.
- Wait.
Are you hiring? I took a job not selling cars.
Whoop-dee-friggin'-do.
Hey, if you want to choose a weird mystery room over me and Danny, go right ahead.
All right, hunter, just just do your best to stay in the box.
Wow.
That was great! Uh, now you just have to try swinging the bat.
- No, thanks.
- Baby steps it is.
Hey, you're staying in the box.
Holy cow! You guys are doing fantastic.
What did you do yesterday? - Uh, we spent some time in the cage.
- Uh, hey, rook! Hey, I heard you're gonna be rolling in the dough.
I'm not talking about the dough you need.
I'm talking about the dough you knead.
- Are you having a stroke? - Homonyms.
Boom.
Idiot.
Boom.
Hey, that's no way to talk to the guy who really loved your whole pitchers-and-slices idea.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yeah.
I own line drive pizza along with a whole lot of other bitching stuff.
But if you can't handle working for me, it's fine.
Just quit.
But then you'd have to show me your tattoo.
I'd rather have it sandblasted off.
Which you can do at Dick's Laser Hair removal center.
We also do tattoos.
Boom.
I'll see you at work.
Boom.
When we went to that prison, I was scared to death, a-and you helped me face my fear.
And now because you're afraid to face what's in that room, uh, my mom and I are gonna have to move out.
I don't want to move.
I like living with you.
I-I-I like having you as my grandpa.
Why? All right, you win.
[ Houses' "Big Light" plays .]
I was stuck in the ground, trying to cover my eyes trying to move all this light I spent all night trying to remember your face Dad, you could have told me.
I, uh I fixed the, uh cleaned up the you know, the bathroom.
So, now, I mean, this is our house.
So there's no more of that "I'm moving out" crap.
That's done.
And, uh, you know, if you want to work, fine, - but do not settle, okay? - I didn't.
And I'm gonna keep working because it makes me feel good.
- And we need the money.
- And you can buy me beer.
Yeah, and bring home free pizza.
Pizzas.
I got moods, you know? Sausage, sometimes a pepperoni, sometimes a mushroom.
Oh, now he's getting greedy.
All right, pizzas.
Okay.
- Did you put the seat on the toilet yet? - One thing at a time.
I happen to be waiting for a sale, 'cause, uh - You're waiting on a sale? - A toilet sale.
You're waiting on a toilet-seat sale? - Yeah, what's the matter with that? - You don't make any sense.
- Again! - Again! - Now, what's this letter? - Pants? Good guess.
Moving on.
When Joey says, "stand down," you're hearing, "I don't like you.
" - So, what are you in for? - Arson.
What Joey really means is, "I need some space.
" Can of peas? - Keep this.
- Okay, that's cool.
#totesbacktogether.
There's a good boy Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?