Back to the Future (1991) s01e02 Episode Script

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) MAN: (SINGING) Tell me, Doctor, where are we going this time? Is this the '50s Or 1999? All I wanted to do Was play my guitar and sing So take me away I don't mind But you better promise me I'll be back in time Gotta get back in time I'll be back in time Gotta get back in time DOC: Einstein was just returning home from a dinner date with the miniature poodle from next door.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Identity acknowledged.
Enter, Einstein.
(DEVICE BEEPING) Hi, Einstein.
(BARKS) I'm sorry, boy, I can't play now.
I've got 35 midterm English examinations to correct by tomorrow morning.
Plus, I'm doing my exercises.
What a workout.
(SNIFFING) (WHIMPERS) (TRAIN HORN BLOWING) (HORN BLOWING) (WHIMPERS) (WHIMPERING) (TRAIN HORN BLOWING) (GASPS) (WHIMPERS) VERNE: Hey, Einstein! Move it, will ya? We're trying to play Turboliner Death Race.
Yes, your unscheduled presence on the tracks makes it virtually impossible for my Diesel of Doom to catch Verne's killer Porsche.
ROBOT: (GERMAN ACCENT) Good boy, nice fella.
Einstein is a good puppy, a real sweet doggie.
Oh, you like zat, don't you? (ALARM RINGING) (WHIRRING) (HORN BLOWING) Great Scott! Snack time already? (WATCHES TICKING) Ah, that Einie.
What a Canis familiaris.
Now, the moment the world has been waiting for.
(MACHINE WHIRRING) Eureka! Cucamonga! It works! No more turning the newspaper pages by hand and getting the tips of my fingers all black.
(LAUGHING) (POWER SHUTS DOWN) Uh-oh.
JULES: Father! CLARA: Dadgummit, Emmett! You blew the fuses again and now I have to correct my papers by hand.
Now, Clara, just think of it as a temporary Brown out.
JULES: Father, why must you always overtax our domestic electrical system with your experiments? It's extremely inconvenient.
Now hold on there, son.
(EINSTEIN BARKING) Et tu, Einstein? Ah, what about you, Vernie? Don't you have something to say? Look at me.
I'm a ghost.
Ooh! Are you people and animal so spoiled by technology? You know, there was a time when no one had electricity at all.
Yes, last Thursday when you blew out the entire Hill Valley power station.
That does it! To the DeLorean! (ENGINE STARTING) Where are you taking us, Emmett? (CLICKING BUTTONS) The Brown household is going on a little vacation.
Bermuda? Library of Congress? Super Splash Water World? DOC: You'll find out soon enough.
Marty, wasn't that Doc Brown? Yeah, Jennifer.
I don't guess we'll be borrowing the car tonight.
(BOYS EXCLAIMING) Huh? Emmett, where are we? England, 1367.
Majestically beautiful, isn't it? Perhaps here we can learn that a quality life does not depend on modern technological conveniences.
(CAMERA TICKING) Smile, everybody.
(CAMERA FLASHING) Not bad, eh? Merely an optical illusion, but it lasts 8.
6 hours.
It should prevent the locals from becoming too suspicious.
Emmett, if you think we're staying in this primitive place, you've got another thing coming.
But we have no choice.
(ENGINE REVVING) I've pre-programed the DeLorean to return at sunset.
(EXPLOSION) Father, how could you? I wanna go back to the future! Of all the pig-headed, insensitive, macho things you've ever done, this takes the cake.
I thought you would thank me.
Thanks.
For nothing.
Oh, Clarabelle.
Who does he think he is anyway? Dragging me 600 years into the past without so much as a moment's notice.
What about you? Do men boss you around? Here, old woman.
Wash them well, or by my bodkin, thou shalt get no supper! Yes, son.
You're his mother? Well, I never! Lets me sleep in the pig sty and gives me table scraps in exchange for a wee bit of work.
All me friends are pea green with envy.
Here, what goes on? Leave off thy chattering and get back to work, wench.
I don't recall asking for your advice, sir.
Kindly mind your own beeswax.
Oh, saucy as well as beautiful.
Just the sort of lady to rule at thy side, Lord Biffingham.
Biffingham? Lord Biffingham, Earl of Tannenshire to you, peasant.
Seize her! DOC: Observe with great delight, boys.
Stonehenge.
A fascinating structure built somewhere between Many believed it to be of religious significance.
Really? I heard it was some sort of astronomical observatory.
How absurd? Everyone knows it's a ruddy calendar.
(CLARA SCREAMING) Clara! CLARA: Unhand me! Quiet! Wenches should be seen and not heard, milady.
DOC: That's no milady, that's my wife! CLARA: Emmett! (NEIGHING) Are you going to release her or do I have to get rough? Thou givest us no choice, sir.
Huh? What? (HORSE NEIGHING) Two against one, eh? The Marquess of Queensberry will hear about this.
JULES: But he's not due to be born for another 477 years.
Unfortunately, he's not due to be born for another JULES: Brother, look.
They must be taking him there.
Jules, I'm tired.
When are we gonna be there? JULES: Verne, stop whining.
No wonder Father becomes so irritable on long car trips.
But I'm starving.
If I don't eat soon, I'm gonna croak.
I suppose we could try to catch something in a trap.
Oh, yeah? Like what kind of trap? (BOTH SCREAMING) (YELPS) This kind often works.
HAROLD: Hail and well met, unsuspecting travelers.
VERNE: Jules, look.
Robin Hood.
Ha! You should be so lucky, you exploiters of the common man.
Nay.
(YELLS) BOTH: Marty! Marty? Nay, Harold is the name.
Harold McFly of the Sussex McFlys.
But, I see now that thou are mere children, and I apologize for trapping you so ignobly.
Got anything to eat? In truth, I have but these hardened biscuits to gnaw upon.
(CRUNCHING) Thanks anyway.
Are you an outlaw? Outlaw? Nay, I am but a humble farmer who has vowed revenge against that tyrant Biffingham for stealing my lady love away to yon castle.
VERNE: Oh, yeah? That's where our mom is.
JULES: Our paternal unit as well.
(CRASHING) Mayhaps we are brothers in the same cause.
With your aid, I have a plan that might gain us entry into Biffingham's fortress.
Verily, I had this idea some time ago, but it doth require the assistance of two young lads such as yourselves to make it work.
Help! Help! WOMAN: Help! Greetings.
Good day, milady.
You must be the new captive.
I am Jennivere.
Hi, I'm Clara.
Nice to meet you.
(DOOR OPENS) BIFFINGHAM: Lady Clara? Whoops, gotta go.
Wed me and I wilt have my tailor clothe thee in the finest silks of the Orient.
Forget it, buster.
In the first place, I could never marry a man who wears such foolish shoes.
Tailor! You told me these were in fashion! Methinks I was mistaken.
Besides, I already have a wonderful husband.
That, my dear, can be easily remedied.
Sir, you dasn't.
I shall return in an hour when thou art a widow.
(BOTH GROANING) (CREAKING) Hmm, a Latrodectus mactans on an unidentifiable muscus.
And a perfect specimen of Rattus norvegicus.
(DOOR LOCK CLICKING) (YELPS) Enjoying thy stay at Castle Biffingham, sir? Actually, I am.
I've not seen such abundance of Old World species since my undergraduate Sorry to cut short thy fun.
I challenge thee to a jousting match, according to the laws of chivalry.
In one hour shalt I do away with you, and have your lady for mine own.
(LAUGHING) Maybe we should have gone to Super Splash Water World after all.
(SINGING) Tally ho and lack-a-day Be a merry fellow on his merry way Halt.
Who goes there? Merely a strolling minstrel, actor and puppeteers come to amuse Lord Biffingham and his court.
Hmm.
Methinks you looketh awfully suspicious, then.
Oh, yeah? Well, methinks you look like someone who loves fresh fish.
How dare you strike him like that? Strike him like this.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Raise the gate.
There, then they can entertain his lordship after the jousting match.
Jousting match? BOTH: Jousting match? BOTH: Oh, no! (HORSE GRUNTING) Very well, you interloper who dare stand between me and the fair Clara, prepare to meet your doom.
(HORSE NEIGHING) Ahhh! (ALL SCREAMING) Emmett! Oh, boy! (PIGS SQUEALING) ALL: Whoa! Curses! Drat! Fie on that meddling cur! Time out! Time out! Return that peasant to his horse! After all, one must play fair.
Boys, am I elated to see you.
I, Emmett L.
Brown, being of sound mind and body Do not despair, Father.
I have an inspiration.
VERNE: The killer Porsche.
Cool! Jules, this is neither the time nor locale to play Turboliner Death Race.
No, Father, but I might be able to utilize this technological time-waster to prevent your premature demise.
Jumping gigawatts! What a kid! (CLANGING) Have you any of those ghastly biscuits left? I baked them myself, you know.
No, Father.
Like this.
(CRUNCHING) Just a second, your lordship.
Take thy time, doomed one.
(WHIRRING) Well, I'm not gonna just sit up here and watch my husband be skewered like some medieval shish-kabob.
Uh-oh.
Now then, peasant, prepare to meet your ancestors.
I do quite often, but thanks for the invitation.
(YELLS) (BIFFINGHAM LAUGHING) (SCREAMS) On, Tiny! On! (BIFFINGHAM LAUGHING) (BIFFINGHAM SHOUTING) Ha! Take that, you robber baron.
Might I join thee in thy escape? Huh, certainly, dear.
Uh-oh.
Hi-ho, maple! Whoa! Whoa! (GRUNTS) (SCREAMING) Whoa! (GRUNTS) DOC: (SINGING) Ride a wood mare to Cranberry cross To meet a fine lady upon a white horse (ALL LAUGHING) A-ha! (SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) Anon, sir knights.
Let us finish them.
Well, boys, it looks like we're short-legged, web-footed water fowl, destitute of life.
Huh? Dead ducks.
Oh, no.
BIFFINGHAM: Execution's at 6:00.
Gracious! Jenny, can you sew? Yes, ma'am.
Then follow me and bring the silk.
I have a crazy notion that just might get us and our menfolk out of here alive.
Boys, it would appear that we will have the distinction of being the first humans in history to die before we were even born.
What an honor.
Well, gentlefolk, at precisely 6 o'clock we shall Oh, drat! Therein lies the rub with these devices.
How can one tell time on a cloudy day? I've got two minutes till.
Shh! Don't help.
I knew all that exercising would pay off! Beg pardon, ma'am, but what exactly are we making? A royal surprise for Lord Biffingjerk.
(GASPS AND GRUNTS) Excellent.
Now, if the sun will cooperate BIFFINGHAM: (LAUGHS) At last.
Let the fun be CLARA: Emmett! Up here! (ALL GASPING) DOC: Come on, men.
Climb aboard! JULES: Brother, post-haste! Curses! Drat! Does this mean the wedding's off, sire? (GROANING) DOC: Superior aeronautics, Clara.
Not bad needlework, either.
Harold, where will you and Jennivere go now? I know not, friends.
We cannot stay here.
Have you considered Ireland? Ireland? Sounds like a bonny place to raise generations of McFlys.
Ireland it is, then.
Fare thee well, Browns.
I have the strange feeling we shall meet yet again.
And again and again.
ALL: Good-bye! The DeLorean should be here any time now.
VERNE: There it is.
DOC: Into the car post-haste, family.
This time we shall spare no one! What's erroneous with you? Isn't there something you'd like to say to us? I hardly think this is a proper interlude for guessing games.
(ALL SHOUTING) You know what I'm talking about.
All right, all right! This entire sorry mess is my fault.
I'm the one who blew the fuse.
I never should have brought you here without consulting you.
You've proven yourselves to be the masters of technology, not its slaves.
Now, may I renew my membership in this family unit? Let's go, Einie, and don't spare the ions! (EINSTEIN BARKING) (ENGINE REVVING) (ALL SCREAMING) DOC: Next stop, Super Splash Water World! AUTOMATED VOICE: Camera status, operational.
You're on, Dr.
Brown.
Dr.
Brown? (CRASHING) That's the way to fly.
Unfortunately, that's not the way to land.
I will now present a tactile demonstration of the principles of balloon aeronautics.
Scientists of the future, watch carefully.
Access video encyclopedia section H for hot air balloon.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Section H.
Entry.
Hot air balloon.
DOC: It's simple to make a functional hot air balloon right in your own home.
All you need is a very thin plastic bag, some adhesive tape, and last but not least, a blow dryer.
Create an opening that fits around the blow dryer and away you go.
Remember, keep the plastic bag away from your face.
The molecules of the hot air become very active and spread out, while those in the cool air remain calm and dense.
The heavier, cold air around the balloon squeezes it up like a bubble, and, voilà! You've got a hot air balloon.
On the big balloons, altitude is controlled by the flow of hot air.
And in the old days, they actually used to throw sand bags out to lighten the load.
What's this? Air mail.
It's from me To me.
Watch out for the sand bag.
Sand bag? What sand bag? (GLASSES SHATTERING) P.
S.
See you in the future.
(THUD) Hey, I got one for ya.
What did the black knight say when the medieval slave got stuck up in a tree? Serf's up.
(LAUGHING) Ow!