Back to You (2007) s01e02 Episode Script

Previously on Back to You: So tell me everything You left here for Denver, - and then it was? - Minneapolis Dallas and then L.
A.
And now you're back.
Come on, Kelly, denying it is not going to make it go away.
We slept together, all right? You don't want me to see her? She is mine, isn't she? - Could we just please - Kelly, if I'm her father I deserve to know.
Hey, Marsh, is Kelly in yet? Haven't seen her.
Say, Chuck, do you ever take in the magic shows? Not as a rule.
Do you think maybe she's in makeup? I saw this guy last night.
Damnedest thing.
He carves his initials into an orange then puts the orange into a box.
You with me? A lot of twists and turns, but I'm holding on.
He opens the box, the orange is gone.
Then it shows up down some old guy's underpants in the balcony.
How does he do it? How does he get an orange into a guy's pants? I'm more curious how a magician gets enough people into a theater to fill a balcony.
- I tried to call you last night.
- I know.
- We have to talk.
- It's very busy.
It's very very busy.
- Could you be a little more discreet? - I didn't mention Gracie.
We are in an office full of reporters.
I thought I made it clear last night, I do not want people knowing you are her father.
If I had my way, I would be having this conversation with a turkey baster.
What is all this stuff on my desk? I'm sorry if I invaded your personal space by a few inches.
At least this time it won't get me pregnant.
You know, you're not the only one who's a little overwhelmed by all this.
I just found out there's a little person in the world who's half me.
All right? I couldn't There.
I couldn't get to sleep last night for a whole hour just thinking about it.
You are unbelievable.
I couldn't sleep a single minute the entire night.
I lay there staring at the ceiling.
I see some things haven't changed.
Okay, okay, why don't we just call a truce on the cheap shots.
Fine.
Anyway I was thinking maybe she isn't mine.
I should get a DNA test.
But then I saw her nose.
That's Aunt Lucy's nose Without the gin blossoms.
A little heads up there.
My mind was racing, and I thought You know what, I'm OK now.
No need to worry.
I woke up this morning and it is clear to me that I'm ready for this.
I'm want her in my life.
I would rather put her in a basket and float her down a river.
Staff meeting.
This conversation's over.
What, we have to stop just because you're done? Now you know what it feels like.
We had a truce.
Oh, sorry I'm late.
- I had a charity thing last night.
- The diabetes fund-raiser? My friend set me up with her ugly cousin.
It feels really good to help.
All right, before we start, management sent down a gift for our new anchorman.
"To the big fish in our small pond welcome back.
" That's, uh that's all very nice.
- Excuse me.
- Of course, sure.
The truth is, I think we're all equals here.
Thank you.
All right Got a triple homicide, roller coaster derailment and a pit bull mauling.
Sometimes it's just like Christmas around here.
I think Montana should cover the pumpkin festival.
Oh, sorry.
No, the actual pumpkin festival in Steubenville.
Do you really want the graphic on the pit bull story to read, "Meet Me at the Maul"? - "Dog Death Afternoon"? - Oh, Ryan.
I appreciate your enthusiasm, but frankly, I still believe that the news should be dignified.
I'm glad you brought that up.
It says here I'm supposed to get shot on air with the latest police taser? There's a new taser? Seriously, I'm getting shot? You don't have to, except that it makes for awesome television.
I just thought you might want to redeem yourself after the llama incident.
Llama incident? Gary was doing a story at the zoo, and this baby llama came up Charged at me.
- Bit him on the ear.
- He screamed like a girl.
Someone call me.
I made it my ringtone.
First of all, the thing nearly tore my ear off.
Secondly, I responded in a restrained manner Get it off of me! - Seriously, that's not funny.
- Get it off of me! Do you want to answer that, Marsh?! I know you think I arrived at my decision - about Gracie - I don't want to talk about this.
But I had a lot more time to think about it during the staff meeting.
You've known her for 12 hours and suddenly you're ready to be her dad? What happens when the novelty wears off? Or you get a job offer in a bigger market? How are you going to explain that to Gracie? Go ahead, take three minutes, think it through.
Look, look Did it ever occur to you since the 10 years you know me I might've changed a little bit? I might be a little more responsible, - sensitive and nurturing? - Okay, father of the year, you're overfeeding that fish.
He will stop eating when he's full.
Yeah, that's just like kids.
That's why once a month I make Gracie a peanut butter sandwich the size of an air bed and tell her to pace herself.
Look, I am feeding him the exact amount as directed.
Oh, per week.
Stop, stop eating.
Stop it, stop it.
Hey, Chief.
So we're looking at a minute-ten on the homicide.
We've got a live promo at 3:00.
And we're all signing a card for Larry.
He's in the hospital.
They're not even sure he's going to make it.
No, no, I don't know any Larry.
I'm talking about my fish.
Oh, yeah, he looks a little dead.
Come on come on, snap out of it.
- Snap out of it.
- For Pete's sake.
Oh, damn.
Look, you're, uh Kelly can't know about this.
Why not? You know what, she just accused me of being irresponsible.
I don't want to give her the satifaction of knowing I can't keep a fish alive.
Oh, there's an aquarium down in the lobby.
- Go get me another goldfish.
- I'm supposed to get an exact duplicat? I barely rember what that goldfish looked like.
He had a slight limp and a scar over one eye.
It's a goldfish! Get out.
Marsh you got a second? Okay, but make it quick.
I'm getting close to something.
It's a reporter in Texas getting tasered.
You think I should do this? Okay, officer, I'm ready.
I should tell you I was a Navy SEAL, so Oh, I can't watch this.
You should tell Ryan to take you off the story.
He should not ask you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.
Montana, would you see if you can get this orange in my pants without me knowing it? Are you still obsessing over that magic trick? No, the fridge is full.
Of course I am.
It's driving me nuts.
Look, you don't have to think so hard.
- It's an incredibly simple trick.
- How do you know? - I used to be a magician's assistant.
- No way.
Sorry I doubted you.
- Can you get that for me? - Sure.
Ryan, can I see you in my office, please? Did you hear that? "My office.
" You know what, for ten years that was my office.
He waltzes in and now it's his.
It's half his.
You're going to have to share it.
But I don't want to.
Why do I have to share everything with Chuck? I had everything just the way I liked it.
Well, it's half his.
What, I have to just live with that no matter how it makes me feel? Let me try to put this a different way.
- Well, it's half - Stop saying that.
All right, all right, let's go, let's go.
- What took you so long? - This wasn't easy.
The receptionist in the lobby sits right by the aquarium and, well, we sort of have a little history.
See, last summer I got it in my head that I could win her over with a big romantic gesture.
Well, I sort of wrecked her wedding.
See I'm going to stop you there.
I got all I need, all right? Do goldfish sleep in their sides? Oh, no, you didn't put cold water in there, did you? - Was I not supposed to? - Extreme temperature change can induce thermal shock leading to a cardiac arres I don't need a biology lesson.
Get down there and get me one with a little fight in his eyes.
Go on.
Five minutes to air.
You know what, let's get you into makeup.
I'm gonna get this into the teleprompter.
First of all, I am already in make up, thank you very much.
I'm just tired from not sleeping last night.
Thank you for that as well.
Secondly, why is there newspaper covering the fishbowl? It just so happens that over-stimulation after changing environments is the leading killer of fish.
Since when did you become a fish expert? Oh, Kelly, this is not my first fish, all right? Ryan, I'll take that.
And thank you for keeping it covered so as not to let any heat escape as I requested.
I assume that's a double ass-kiss-accino.
Top you off, there, Chuck? - Marsh.
- Oh, hey, Montana.
I figured out that magic trick.
Pretty simple really.
He hypnotizes the entire audience.
While we're out, his helper monkey goes upstairs to the balcony, stashes the orange in the old guy's underpants and then he wakes us up.
No, Marsh, no.
Not even close.
Son of a bitch, you've got to tell me.
I can't.
I'm not supposed to.
I'm losing my mind here.
I can't tell what's real and what's not.
I thought I just saw a fish in a coffee cup.
- Come on, please.
- All right, fine.
if it'll put an end to this, but it's so simple, - it's gonna make you mad.
- No, it won't.
I promise.
Come on.
Fine.
The man in the balcony is a plant.
He's in on the trick.
Oh Oh, well, good for him.
Very clever.
Very satisfying.
Yeah, well, he sure tricked old Marsh, didn't he? Oh, I bet he was having a good laugh about it back in his fancy dressing room, him and his smart-ass monkey.
Well! Taser time.
Hey! Say hello to the Rosenbergs for me.
That made me feel better.
Hey, Kel.
What's going on? You're terrified, aren't you? You gotta get me out of this Taser piece.
Just tell Ryan that you'll interview the cop but you won't get zapped.
You don't think that comes off as kind of wimpy? Gary, why are you so insecure? You are an intelligent, brave, serious journalist.
You don't have to prove yourself to anybody.
Get it off of me! Hi! Oh, honey Maybe you should take the hit.
What took you so long? We got two minutes to air.
I'm sorry.
The fish all recognize me now.
Soon as I get off the elevator, they rush - to the little castle and - Just dump him in.
All right Temperature's okay? Now I just put in Exactly three pellets.
One Two, three.
Finally.
The bloodiest day in fish history comes to an end.
The trade keeps the Penguins under the salary cap and it's a good way for the team to save money.
and a good way for Pittsburgh to save money is to not waste it on the Magnificent Duncan.
He's a fraud.
His tricks are stupid.
And the old man in the balcony is a plant.
Back to you, Chuck and Kelly.
Thank you, Marsh.
And as we like to say on these occasions, the views expressed by Marsh are not necessarily those of WURG-TV.
And, finally, a shocking new development in the fight against crime.
For the latest in police technology, let's go live to Gary Shushlefski.
Crezyzewski, Chuck.
I'm standing here with Officer Pete Thurston, who's holding in his hand the next generation in non-lethal weaponry.
In a moment, if I don't lose my nerve, I'm going to take a blast from it myself.
but, first, why don't you tell us a little bit about the device.
Sir, the WS-430, which stands for "Whale-Stopper," by the way I did not know that.
Basically, it scrambles your central nervous system.
You momentarily stop breathing, and your kidney thinks it's a heart.
The pain is Why don't you hit me with that right now? - How about later? - I'm supposed to warn - Just do it! - Fire in the hole! Wow, that was impressive.
- How are you feeling? - Pretty good.
I'll be okay So I didn't understand that.
I'm sorry.
Are these commercially available? No, they're much too dangerous.
Any other questions? Thank you, Mr.
Shershwansky.
Crezyzewski! Back to you Awesome show, everybody.
Ryan, did you get me another fish? I'm going right now, but this is the last one.
- No need to get snippy.
- No, it's the last one! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Come on, come on, come on.
You're fine, you're fine Chuck, your fish is dead.
- Look, before you say - I'm so sorry.
I shoved your papers and knocked the bowl over, and by the time I got him back in the bowl, he was gone.
I see.
I'm sorry.
I know you were starting to get attached.
In the time we had.
I can get you another one.
Another one? Like they're just replaceable.
Good-bye, old friend.
Are you okay? It's just that, this morning I accused you of having no nurturing ability and then I go and do that.
These things happen.
I'm sorry I'm so emotional.
It's not about the fish.
It's just everything.
It's you coming back and wanting to be in Gracie's life.
And I can't even share an office with you.
How am I supposed to share a child? But I can't tell you you can't, even if I still think you'd be a sucky parent, and I am just so tired! Come on, here.
Come on.
Come on, get it all out.
Get it out.
- Get it out! - I'm trying! You know what we could use right now? How about a good, stiff drink? Come on.
Hush, now.
You can let go of me.
No.
Hush.
I at least need to get my purse, okay? Why is there a fish in the bowl? Sweet, Kelly, you're delirious.
I am not delirious.
A minute ago I saw you pull a dead fish out of that bowl and throw it right in here.
with all these other dead fish! My God! Did you kill all of these? Now, Kelly In fairness, you weren't supposed to see that.
So Ryan wasn't bringing you coffee all day.
He was bringing you fresh victims.
Oh, God.
I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
I'm sorry.
You're right.
I'm not responsible.
I'm not nurturing.
I live in a hotel.
I don't have long relationships.
I get a year reminder for the dentist and I think he's sufficating me.
Did I really think I was ready to raise a child? Halfway through my first day I'd be getting Ryan to run to the orphanage to pick me up a new kid.
Look You know what the best thing about getting pregnant is? - Well, sure - No, not that.
It's that you have nine months to get used to the idea of being a parent.
I mean you know, basically, you just found out you're pregnant.
That would explain the nausea and the crying jag in the elevator.
So I guess maybe we should just go slow.
Realslow.
You know, wait until we'rebothready.
- Down the road.
- Way down the road.
Well, I'm gonna take off.
Right.
Kelly, you think, uh, Gracie would like to have this? You really don't want to take care of this fish, do you? Down the road, you know.
Thanks.
She'll love it.
Poor bastard never stood a chance.