Beaver Falls (2011) s01e02 Episode Script

Any one of you breaks my rules, all three of you will be on the first plane home.
I'll hook you up for the rest of the summer.
God bless America.
It's the one from last night.
You're the first person I've ever felt intimidated by.
Guys, I'd like you to meet your campers.
Come on, then! I'm so up for this, you will not believe! Truce.
But provoke me or my guys, and the deal's off! OK, fellas.
We got a deal! Deal.
For your information, you were hitting on me.
You can't run away from this, love.
Episode 1x02 Happy Independence Day, A-Rab.
I'll I'll leave you and Dr Fox alone.
Yeah Shit! Shit! Shit! It's not funny, Barry! How am I gonna look her in the eye? And why would you tell her about Dr Fox? How did you know it was me? All right, it was me.
I needed an icebreaker.
And it's a good anecdote.
Bad darts, Barry.
Never use another man's cock to break your own ice.
OK, firstly, I don't even know why you've got a nickname for my penis.
It's weird.
And secondly, if you are going to have a name for it, don't tell people.
Especially not girls he fancies.
I don't fancy her! Dude chill.
And stop saying "dude"! We've only been here a week.
Dude, it's no big deal.
Loads of people have names for their cocks.
No, Barry, they don't.
Guys, nicknames for the little fella? Ol'Dirty Bastard.
P-19, the baby-maker.
Ozymandias, king of kings.
See? Come on, she knows you sleepwalk.
It's not like she thinks you're some random pervert.
- Do you want my advice? - No! - Use it as a chat-up line.
- Oh, dear God, please make it stop.
"Rachael, now you've met Dr Fox, what say you, me and him go to this dance together? "See if there's an erection section?" What? She's funny, smart Religious.
lovely norks.
Please can we get him put down? You know what the problem is, mate? You.
"Oh, my girlfriend left me.
"Oh, I'm an emotional mess.
Oh, I hate myself" So what? Get over it.
Life goes on.
Yeah, well, maybe one day, Barry, when you've actually had a girlfriend, you might understand what this feels like.
Flynn, help me out.
He's got a point, mate.
I'm not saying it has to be Rachael, but you could do with someone to put a smile back on your face.
A-Rab! A-Rab! A volunteer! Hey, what's up, big man? I'm feeling blue.
Oh, dear.
Again.
Can we go for a walk later? That crush is getting ridiculous.
Most depressing couple ever.
And the rocket's red glare You so fancy her.
The bombs bursting in air Gave proof through the night That our flag was still there Oh, yeah.
Did you see that? What do you think that look means? Stop ogling me, you annoying pervert? O'er the land of the free Free And the home of the brave? Brave.
Does that offend you? Well, that every morning we sing a song about a war that we fought against you? Good morning, Beaver Falls! Good morning, Bobby.
And a happy July 4th to you all.
Today, we as a nation remember our triumph over corruption, tyranny and inbreeding and to commemorate, our traditional historical pageant takes place this afternoon this year directed by Mr Spencer and starring cabin 17.
And then tonight, as usual, it's our traditional Independence Day hop! Dress code red, white and blue.
So, guys, pluck up the courage to ask that special lady, because tonight we are going to rock around the clock until 10 pm.
While I have you here, recycling is also a problem, because, um If you could just keep the bins separated and put the plastics in the Campers! I am still talking here.
Campers, please ignore the helicopter.
I repeat, ignore the helicopter.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Have I interrupted? Do continue.
Um where was I? The pageant? No, the dance Forget it.
Listen, camp dismissed! Lily! Welcome.
H-How lovely to see you at last.
We were rather expecting you to arrive last week with the other campers, but I'm fashionably late.
Of course.
Ah how's your father? Luggage, Bobby.
Luggage.
Don't even think about it, Spencer.
Hi.
Hi I am so sorry about earlier.
I want you to know I'm filing an official complaint against you.
A-Rab, I'm joking.
Lighten up! So, um, we're good? Yeah, of course.
So are you guys going to this thing tonight or sitting it out on historical grounds? No, I think me and the other inbreds will make an appearance.
All the girls in my cabin are very excited.
All they've been talking about all week is what they're wearing, who's taking who Yeah.
God, yeah.
Such a big deal at that age, isn't it? All that pressure.
Who needs it? It's way too much hassle.
Yeah, I guess.
Although A-Rab? What now? I just wanted to give you this.
Mate! Mate, come back.
- He's been miserable for days.
- Yeah.
A little crush.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's doing my head in.
I'm not, like, homophobic or anything.
It's cos he's 11.
It'd be the same if he was a girl.
If you were gay, I'd just be like, "Yeah! "Great!" Not that I've thought about it.
"We hold these truths to be self-evident - "that all men are created equal, "they're endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, "that among these are Life, Liberty "and the pursuit of Happiness.
" What are you doing now? Sharpening my quill.
You did that earlier.
Look, Benjamin Franklin would have had a spare quill.
I'm method acting.
This is gonna be shit.
It'll be great.
You guys just need to believe the words.
Life.
Liberty.
The pursuit of happiness.
What a line! Are you sure this is gonna get us dates for tonight? Nah, he's shitting us.
The only reason we got roped into this is cos he couldn't be bothered to do proper auditions.
Bollocks.
You guys came to me for help, remember? And this is me helping, OK? Kick, Barry! Come on, you can make it.
Kick, Barry! Yeah! How was that? By your standards, good.
Yeah? By anyone else's, you sucked.
Oh.
Get your breath back and try again.
On average, how much of the time would you say you spend looking at my rack? I don't know.
80 85%? At least I'm honest about it.
So, um have you got a date for tonight? Yes, Barry.
Jake's taking me.
Oh, OK.
He asked you, has he? He's my boyfriend.
He doesn't have to.
Be nice not to be taken for granted, though, wouldn't it? Does Jake know about us yet? Barry, there is no us.
This is a business deal, remember? Speaking of which, where's my weed? I I'm working on it.
You do realise that the whole at-least-I'm-honest routine only works if you're actually honest? I haven't lied.
You've got till the end of the day to get me my weed or no more lessons.
And no more ogling.
Ever.
Seth Rogen.
Biggie Smalls.
Jack Black.
You think any of those guys ever have/had trouble getting dates? No! Why? Because in showbiz fat guys get girls.
Thank you! If DiCaprio was a plumber, he'd just be a plumber with a fat face.
But you put that puffy face on an IMAX - boom! Heart-throb.
- Now, are you with me? - When are we gonna try the costumes on? Forget the costumes.
What the girls will respond to is you.
Your passion, intensity, truth! Cos when I look at you guys, I see the living spirit of the Founding Fathers.
You guys are America! I'm screwed.
What am I going to do? I dunno.
Give up? Set your sights on someone who might actually get off with you? Man, that kid is pining for you.
It's your own fault.
Leading him on, acting all bi-curious.
All this moping around you've been doing, saying how you've gone off women.
He's young, he's confused.
He doesn't get the nuances of adult relationships.
Yeah, says the virgin.
Whatever, man.
I ain't the one prick-teasing a kid.
I would love to be a fly on the wall when you have to have that awkward chat unless you take the easy way out.
Which is? Actions speak louder than words, dude.
Ask someone to the dance - someone like Rachael.
Kid sees you with her, penny drops, awkwardness over.
This is awkward.
Rachael, hold up.
I'm sorry, OK? No, you're not.
All right, I'm not.
It was great.
I'm sorry you walked in on us.
I thought you were into the whole forgiveness thing.
Oh? Is that what this is about? Let's do it in the Christian's office! Let's rub her nose in it! Don't knock it till you've tried it.
If you do fancy trying it You actually disgust me.
Do you know that? Not me, then! How about A-Rab? He'd be gentle.
Good for a first-timer.
He'd be up for it.
Is that what you and your sad little friends do in your spare time, swap notes on who you'd do it with? Yeah.
Who, where, what position.
We've got it all worked out.
So, I'll send him your way, then? Mr Spencer! I'm greatly looking forward to your pageant.
I trust it'll be suitably dignified and respectful.
OK, OK.
She's looking over here.
She's looking Her eyes are saying, "Come and get me, A-Rab.
"I won't knock you back.
"Your fragile self-confidence is safe with me.
" Just go over there and be funny.
They like that kind of shit, apparently.
Don't tell me how to ask girls out.
I know how to ask girls out.
Fine.
Prove it.
Go on.
Where's he off to? Just call me Cupid.
Hi.
Me and Dr Fox were just wondering what you were up to tonight Are you kidding me?! How was I to know he'd suddenly grow a pair? Anyway, maybe she said yeah.
Looks like it! Hey, mate.
How'd it go? A-Rab? Oh, for fuck's sake! Every five minutes! "A-Rab? A-Rab?" " To be free and independent states "and that they are absolved from all allegiance to the" "British Crown.
" All right, guys.
Play it cool.
Top of page two.
Here to sign up for my drama class? God, no.
I hate organised fun.
Sit.
Now, here's a curious thing.
For years, our fat friends kept a low profile at camp, hoping they won't get bullied.
Yet suddenly, here they are.
What did you do? Spin them some shit about this being a good way to get girls right? Is it working? I'd start them off with stabilisers before you put them on a Harley.
You looked away first.
Chicken.
How old are you, Lily? I'm legal.
Why? What have you got in mind for me? Same sort of thing you've been doing with Pam? I've no idea what you're talking about.
I thought you're meant to be an actor.
No shame in it.
She jumps some poor sap every year and you're just her type.
Best be off.
And don't worry - your little secret's safe with me.
Let's make a movement.
A bit of movement.
Give him an option.
Give him an option.
I'm sorry.
I was upset, I took it out on you, which makes me a dick.
Friends? We've been worried about you.
Yeah.
We've noticed you've been a bit sad.
I think I know how you feel, though.
Yeah.
I've been pretty down myself lately.
You asked your girlfriend to marry you.
She ran away.
Yes.
You see, I felt something about her, but she didn't feel the same way back.
But we're not just talking about me here, are we? No.
See, what I'm saying is there's plenty more fish in the sea.
But not all fish live in the sea.
I mean, there are freshwater fish too.
And if you're a saltwater fish, there is no point swimming with the freshwater fish.
You see? Why are we talking about fish? We're not really, are we? We're talking about what's making you sad.
What's fish got to do with my dad? Your dad? Yeah.
He walked out on July 4th, when I was six.
So I always get sad today.
Right.
Let's just forget about the fish stuff.
This is an absolute debacle! We're on in three hours.
None of you know your lines and our excuse of a director's gone AWOL! I bet Efron doesn't have to put up with this! - Shut up and tell me who they are.
- That's Gus and Buzz.
Why haven't I seen them before? They don't do much.
They just hang around in the woods giggling and eating snacks.
Now, I really think we need to find these costumes Whoa! What the fuck? "Looks like wild child Lily Meadows is up to her old tricks again, "but who is her mysterious new man?" I just had her father on the phone asking that very same question, and, believe me, the governor is furious! We were just talking.
In fairness, it wasn't the content of the photo that made him angry, more that it was taken in the first place.
It does make your security look bad.
Don't lecture me, boy! I will not have the good name of this camp besmirched by innuendo.
Now, let me reiterate.
Staff who indulge in inappropriate behaviour with campers get fired, yes?! Look, dear.
There's one of you on here, as well.
Out! And this pageant had better be good! Don't worry, dear.
He can be a real asshole sometimes.
Marcy! See? You shouldn't undermine me like that.
You did check the references again, didn't you, the Brits? Yes! Bobby, get a grip.
The photographer's the problem, not the Brits.
It's the air of entitlement that gets me.
I don't care how rich they are back home, how many turrets their damn castle has got, this is my camp! We threw the Brits out once and if need be, by God, I will do it again! Guys, you've got no idea how much this means to me.
You just made my summer.
You're a pretty righteous guy, Barry.
Hey, later on, we're gonna, like, build a nest in a tree Yeah! We're gonna sit in it like birds.
You can join us if you want.
Yeah.
I'll check my diary.
Uh, guys this is actually grass.
No.
I mean, someone has mown their lawn, put it in a bag and sold it to you.
You gotta try it, man.
It's mellow.
Thurston asked me to help decorate for the dance.
Funny, Thurston asked me to help decorate for the dance.
Do you want me to go? I can't do the whole thing on my own.
Look, I heard about what happened with Flynn, but I promise you, what he said had nothing to do with me asking you out.
Yeah? So what did? It's complicated.
In what way? In the kind of way that doesn't make me look very good.
OK.
Now you've got me intrigued.
Barry thought that if Thurston saw me with you at the dance, it might make him stop having a crush on me.
I did say I don't come out of this anecdote well and I have delivered on that promise.
Why would you tell me all that? Because I can handle you thinking I'm a knob, but I'd hate for you to think I was an arsehole.
So, which am I? How about option three? My date for tonight? Despite everything I just said? I don't know if it's despite or because.
Fuck's sake.
Look, I'm in a good mood, so if you came for round two I came to apologise and clean.
I already cleaned.
Look, I was a dick.
I should never have had sex on your desk and I should have just apologised.
I'm sorry.
But No, don't ruin it with a "but".
But A-Rab had nothing to do with it, I swear.
Yeah, I know.
Why don't you sit down? You're making me uncomfortable.
You're not going to talk to me about Jesus, are you? I wasn't going to, but if it'd annoy you, I will.
You seem to have a compulsion to deflower things in my office.
Nice to see those college fees aren't being wasted.
Look, why don't we just agree to disagree on the pursuit of happiness? And how's that working out for you? Are you happy? I'm trying to be.
Do I really disgust you? Don't get me wrong, I want to like you.
But? But you're not that likeable.
Pretty brutal, considering you don't even know me.
Is there much to know? Yeah, there is.
So, why try so hard to hide it? Cos I don't want to depress the fuck out of people.
Now you've lost me.
Is this one of those stiff upper lip things? - I'm dying.
- Sorry? I'm dying.
So I'm sorry if you don't like the way I live.
If true love waits for you, then great.
But waiting's not a luxury I've got.
No point being glum about it.
This isn't some kind of sick joke, is it? Ask Jesus.
Let me know what he says.
You guys look great! "We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal" "A Prince, whose character is thus marked "by every act" Come on, guys.
It wasn't that bad.
I'm sure Flynn didn't do it deliberately.
You had some great moments.
Since when did you join the fan club? I'm just saying.
Maybe he had something else on his mind.
Yeah, and we all know what that was.
Somebody say something.
We're just waiting for all the girls you promised to show up.
Mr Spencer! I think me and you need to talk.
My office.
One hour.
Be there.
OK, here's what we'll do.
We'll go to the dance tonight And what? Stand alone at the edge of the dance floor while everyone laughs? We ain't going to the dance, period.
Help! What's going on? We saw a man with a camera.
Stay here.
Get off me, asshole! I don't think so, mate.
What the fuck have you come as? Oh, Bobby, swallow your pride.
Those photos did you way more harm than a badly directed pageant.
So, is this where I say, "My hero!" and swoon melodramatically? Hope you get raped, sweetheart.
You get a lot of those guys? Ever since the sex tape.
Irony being, it's not even me in the tape.
Mr Spencer I just came to say thank you.
Excellent work.
Pleasure.
Well Good.
That is all.
So, I guess the question now is, how can I say thank you? Well there is something that springs to mind.
You in or out, honey? In.
Whatever that is, please can I buy some? Whoa! No! You're joking, right? You think I'm wearing a wire? Do you think the Feds sent me?! There.
Happy? It's average.
I checked.
They get dumber every year.
Oh yeah right.
Funny! Can I just point out that vice versa, this would be a sex crime? Oh, relax.
Here.
Aren't you two a bit old for this kind of thing? Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you came here to buy some weed off us.
Apparently not.
I did, I did.
So, are you selling or? For personal use? Kind of.
I'm trying to impress a girl.
Oh? Who? Kimberley.
Oh, my God.
What? Fit girls end up with ugly guys all the time.
Look at you.
Trust me, honey.
You do not want to have my relationship.
Aw.
I think it's romantic.
Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy woos girl with narcotics.
But surely, Marcy, for Kimberley's sake, we need to make sure that Barry here is a worthy suitor.
Some kind of test, you mean, to see how far he'd go for her? All right, guys? Still in a mood with me, are you? Fair play.
Come in.
Hey, boys.
So, we were wondering, do you guys have dates for tonight? Because if you don't, maybe you could take us? OK.
Well, great.
Right, girls? So I bagsy Thurston.
Why don't we say Brandon takes Mina, Penn can go with Smallie, Uma Rick Jnr Enchante, my dear.
And Jessie gets Jizz.
Um, what about the jocks? What about them? Pick us up at eight, OK? This is bullshit.
This is gonna be the worst We're gonna be balls deep, Thurston! Balls deep! I must say aye to that.
And my companion is romantic verse.
It's the biggest night of my life! Oh, my God, this is amazing! Yes! Yeah! Yeah! My God, this is going to be awesome.
Yes! Yeah! Up here.
Still thinking about your dad? I just get sad when I think about the stuff we could have done.
I mean, my mom's cool, but she'd never take me camping.
Or fishing.
What's "balls deep"? That's just Smallie talking rubbish.
Is it the kind of thing a dad's meant to tell you about? Um kind of.
I don't understand most of what they talk about.
I think my mom skipped some stuff.
Like how babies get made.
Right! Here let me.
Are you just going to sit and stare? Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.
ALS.
You heard of it? No.
You heard of Stephen Hawking? Believe it or not, he's one of the lucky ones, cos he survived.
So that's my best-case scenario.
I'm so sorry.
Barry and A-Rab, they don't know? And it stays that way, yeah? Why? Cos this might be the last good summer I get, and I don't want it to be all about me being ill.
Once people know, it changes everything.
Look at you - 24 hours ago, I was a scumbag, now you're stalking me.
I just wanted you to know, I'm here to talk, if you want.
Well, that's very nice.
But I've this amount of time left.
So if it's OK, I'd rather not spend it just talking.
So what are you gonna do? Well, having weighed up my limited options, I've decided to build the world's biggest wank bank.
In case I get lucky and I end up like Hawking.
And I'll need some good memories to keep me going in there.
You're not alone.
Whatever you think.
We'll see.
To all the ladies in the place with style and grace Allow me to lace these lyrical duches in your bushes Who rock grooves and make moves with all the mommies? From the back of the club, sippin' Moet, Is where you'll find me The back of the club, mackin' hoes My crew's behind me Mad question askin' Blunt passin', music blastin' But I just can't quit because one of these honnies Biggie got ta creep with.
Welcome to the hop! Please note, due to health and safety legislation, no actual hopping is allowed.
They stood us up for the blobs?! All right, did you know about this? I think it's cute.
No.
It's not cute.
Mm! Hall looks good! Yeah, it does.
Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine.
OK.
I'm gonna grab a drink.
You want one? Are you OK down there? Lily, I don't think this is going to work.
It's not you.
It's me.
Guys I want you to meet my date.
Didn't realise you had a date, Barry.
Oh, yeah! Had my eye on this one for a while now.
Oh! All right, you! Mwah! Is that lip gloss new? Cherry! Heh! Talking about cherries, I got a bone to pick with you two.
Barry tells me you joke about him being a virgin.
Well, I can assure you he isn't.
Come on, sweet cheeks.
Let's get you on the dance floor.
Sweet cheeks? Thought you'd have cracked and told 'em.
There is no way I'm leaving this dance without that weed.
Face it, Marcy - you picked the wrong guy to fuck with.
You can't embarrass a man with no shame.
Come on - let's go dance badly.
Or we can just stand here in silence.
Cos that's always fun! If there's something wrong, do you wanna just tell me? I saw you Actually, just forget it.
It's me.
It's my fault.
This was a mistake.
I don't understand.
Get your hand off my ass, or my knee makes a swing for Bobby Jnr.
Is this about your ex? Yeah.
Yeah, that's that's what it is.
I'm sorry.
I really am.
Hey, what's up? So beyond getting her the weed, what's the big plan? I dunno.
Just, er wear her down, I suppose.
Trust me on this.
You ain't gonna win this playing fair and square.
You gotta play dirty.
I mean, that's just weird.
Well, at least they're having fun.
So tomorrow at four? Good.
Same place as usual.
That's a big smile.
Just embracing the July 4th spirit.
Pursuit of happiness and all that.
Know what makes me happy? That.
There's nothing more fun than fucking up the social order and then kicking back and watching the fallout.
What's happened to your date? He left me.
The cad.
My self-esteem's in tatters.
That's too bad.
I wonder if you'd be a gentleman and help me restore it? What the hell is going on? Here we go.
Found them.
You cry all you need to, Lily.
Let it all out.
She's still upset about the photographer.
There, there.
He's gone now.
It's just upsetting how easily he got in, how lax the security is here, despite what it says in the brochure.
- Now, hold on - Tell you what, Lily.
You go with Bobby - he'll make sure to get you back to your cabin safely and then he'll tell you all about his security arrangements.
Yes, that's a good idea.
Oh, and Lily take this.
I know you were worried.
Thanks.
I owe you one.
Twice in a day? Twice in a day! Hey, Demi.
Put Ashton down, you fuckin' skank! OK, you ready? Screwin' that must be like sending a canoe up the fuckin' Hudson! That's how you roll, is it? Big gang of you, against one old lady? Well, we've got a word for that where I'm from.
Wankers.
And today of all days, when you're giving it all that about about standing up to bullies.
No wonder you're here alone.
And you.
Proud of your boys, are you? OK, put the cardigan over my shoulders and pat me.
By the way, you won the bet.
How how is this my fault? Because they look to you for an example.
I have a request for an Eric Shun.
Do I have an Eric Shun here? Right Why are you acting like a prick? Am I? Well, yeah, maybe I am.
I saw you with Rachael in the dressing room.
You've got the wrong idea.
Yeah? How? Go on, tell me.
Explain how that little scenario came about.
I'm not saying you did it deliberately.
Did what? You know, that thing you do with girls that I can't do.
You know, that charming thing.
You you Flynned her.
I saw how she looked at you, so what's the point? What's happened to my mate, huh? The cool one, because this one's just mental.
Nothing happened.
You've gotta trust me.
Just because Saima let you down, it doesn't mean she will.
Doesn't mean I will.
Go over and apologise - make a joke of it.
I'm being serious.
She's good news.
You'd be a dick to let her go.
Take her somewhere quiet, watch the fireworks.
Have a little moment, just the two of you.
I should go check on Thurston.
He'll be fine Here he comes - the perfect gent! Oh, he's a keeper, this one.
I think I'll just go and powder my nose.
She told me everything.
About how she used to go dancing with her husband all the time.
She hasn't danced since he died.
Yeah right! I think that was really sweet to take her dancing again.
So I'll see you in the morning, then? I thought you said no more lessons till I got you the weed.
A girl can change her mind, right? You don't want this, then? Plenty more where that came from.
I'll see you in the morning.
You look pleased.
Right, you and Marcy - what's the deal? Got to hand it to you - that was slick.
She thinks you're an OK guy.
So from now on, I bring my A game.
You bring an old lady to the fight, and I'll bring an AIDS orphan.
And you've got one of those, have you? I underestimated you.
The gloves are off now.
- So's our truce.
- We had a deal.
Yeah, but then your guys turned up with my guys' dates, which, in my book, makes 'em fair game again.
Cheerio and stuff! OK, folks! Last dance! And that's not an excuse for wandering hands, Ryan McIntyre! - A-Rab? - Yeah.
What's tea-bagging? Er, nothing you need to worry about right now.
What's a Cincinnati bow tie? Look at those fireworks, eh? What's a Fallopian tube? Thurston shut up and fish.
Your parents know you're here, in America, right? We can make this the greatest parents' day in Beaver Falls' history.
Rick Traviata's Extreme Golf one of the greatest video games of all time.
Why is he waving at us? I want to know that this is under control.
I need to know this is under control.
- Is this under control? - It's under control.
We both know you hate those guys, especially Barry.
This is girl sort of complicated.
What are you doing? If anything ever happened between us, I'd want it to mean something.
Last night was really special.
Your first one-night stand.
So Jake and Barry are both idiots? Let the games begin! Your first fish.
What are you gonna call it? Dr Fox.