Best Friends Forever (2012) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Now, Joe, a pulled pork needs to simmer and you're gonna see why.
- Mmm! Damn it, woman, why is that so good? - This is just what Jessica does.
It's her unsung talent.
- She's really good with - Well, I get into Both: A meat.
- No, I'm really good with any kind of meat, it's true.
- It's true.
- It's true.
- Why aren't you always jamming meats in my mouth? - Oh, Joe, gross.
- Too far, Joe.
- You know, I think it's interesting that all you've seen of me thus far has been the crying and the taking of seven-hour baths.
- Yeah, this is what she's like when she's feeling good.
- [Chuckles.]
- Well, if you feeling good means sweet meats in my mouth, then you can crash in my office as long as you want.
- Yeah, I'm gonna need you to stop talking about meat in your mouth.
- Oh, Jess, it looks like it might be raining.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
Really? - Yeah.
The temperature's risin' - Oh, my God, you got me.
Where did you find that? - Barometer's gettin' low - this is where it all began.
Jake's: Between 2 Buns.
- according to all sources - Summer of '98, New Brunswick, New Jersey, Joe.
- The street's the place to go - Two college girls, slinging hash and making their dreams come true.
- 'Cause tonight for the first time - Oh, they came for the BBQ, Joe.
But they undoubtedly stay for those buns.
- Just about half past 10:00 Both: for the first time in history it's gonna start raining men - Joe, take our picture.
No, no! - it's raining men - Lennon, stop singing.
Lennon, stop, stop singing.
- hallelujah - Lennon, stop singing.
My phone.
- Oh.
- Your ex-husband? No way.
- Okay, okay.
- All right, it recorded, um, 6 minutes and 44 seconds.
- Okay, well, what did he hear in the message? - Um, wait, Lennon - let's backtrack, everybody backtrack.
- Well, you were just doing according to all sources - No, no, no, but before that, didn't I say something about the crying and the taking of the baths? - Yes, but you did not say anything about the butt rash that you got from only wearing yoga pants.
- Or when you were mistaken for a homeless woman when you went to the grocery store wrapped in blankets.
- I didn't say any of that, right? - No, you didn't say any of that.
- All right, well, could someone please show me how to put a lock on this why is it still recording? - [Screams.]
[Both screaming.]
- Joe! [Smash.]
Joe! - What? I brought the heat.
- All is nothing all is keeping it down [Sarah McLachlan's I Will Remember You.]
- I gotta get in there, Len, she's been in there for 2 1/2 hours.
- Okay, will you calm down, please? - You can't feed a man that much pulled pork and deny him access to his own bathroom.
- Okay, I need to just give her a minute because she has had a rough couple of weeks.
- Yeah, I get it, I get it.
The guy's a jerk and the divorce papers and he's been cheating on her - yeah, and then he moved her to some strange city and left her there with nothing to do for three long years.
- I get that, and I feel for her, but I also feel for my anus.
- Do you hear the kinds of things that you say to me? - I'm begging you, Lennon.
- All right, I'll go in.
[Knocking at door.]
[Door opens.]
Hey.
Can I come in? - Oh, hey friend.
- There's a lot of candles in here, huh? - Yeah, really just wanted to be in warm water and light.
You know? - Yeah.
[Music plays louder.]
That's a little too loud.
- Okay.
- You want to maybe talk about what happened? - Nope.
Just want to listen to my lilith fair double disc.
- Jessica, don't.
Jess, he probably didn't even listen to it.
- You know what tomorrow is? - Yeah.
Your third anniversary.
- I had a whole plan, Lennon.
I was gonna call him up and say, "Hey, Peter, it's Jessica.
Just wanted to let you know that I've moved on.
" But instead, heard me talking about my ass rash.
Which is, by the way, back.
- Okay, well, you know what? I don't think soaking in a tub for five hours is helping you either.
[Music plays louder.]
Jessica, too loud! Now you need to get out of this bathtub 'cause Joe needs to use the bathroom.
- He can come in here, just tell him not to look at me.
- Okay, well that's not gonna work, so I'm gonna help you out of the tub, we're gonna put some clothes on, and we're gonna go to Rav's bar, okay? - I am not getting out of this tub.
- Yes, you are.
- No.
- Yes, ma'am, you are.
- No, I won't.
- Absolutely, you are.
- No, I will not be getting out of this tub! - Come on.
- No! Joe! She is drowning me! - No, stop, I've had it.
- Should I come in? - No.
- Joe, please! - I feel like I might see tee-tas.
- No! - Joe! I am begging you! - Should I come in? - Joe, do not come in here! - Joe, come in here! [Both yelling.]
- I'm coming in, I'm coming in.
[Both screaming.]
- This is more sad than hot.
- Get off of - I can't! - You're crushing my vagin get off! - Aah! [Sarah McLachlan's I Will Remember You.]
- So Joe and I had an idea - Oh, God.
- For how to make her feel better.
Joe, exhibit "A", please.
- Dude, you gotta taste some of this pork.
- I'm not gonna eat loose meat from your back pocket.
- Why not? What's in your back pocket? Jerky? A loose nut? I'll eat it.
- Mmm.
- Yes.
Jess made that last night.
And I was thinking, what if we had her do, like, a pork dinner or something at your bar? - At my bar? - Yeah, just so she can feel good about herself.
- Lennon, I I - come on, she would just be in your kitchen for one night.
That is it, I promise.
- [Sighs.]
Fine.
- Awesome.
- But just the one night.
- Okay.
So we just need you to go over there real quick and ask her.
Thank you.
- Why do I have to go ask her? - 'Cause she needs to feel like she's helping you.
You know she can't resist getting somebody out of a jam.
- I'm not in a jam.
- Well, then make a jam up.
Just tell her there's some, like, reviewer coming, and that you need to not have your usual crappy food.
- This is ridiculous.
- Rav, please.
I need my bathroom back.
- [Quietly.]
Yes.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.
- You're fogging up my jukebox.
- Oh.
Glass just feels real refreshing on my skin.
I soaked for a while.
I think it raised my temperature.
- Yeah, I'm having a bit of a rough night myself.
- Yeah? Hard to see your friend so down? - Well, that, yeah.
- Yeah.
- But also I'm just dealing with a bit of a tough situation, you know, here in my bar.
- What situation? - Tomorrow night this food reviewer's coming in, and my chef Jojo just quit.
- What? When? - Just minutes ago.
So I'm left with the Felipes, who are strong with prepping but not with actual cooking.
- I mean, your food wasn't that great to begin with, let's be honest.
- Yeah, let's be honest.
Let's just really get honest right now.
- Rav, what are you gonna do? Is there can I help? - No, I couldn't ask you to do that.
- Why? I I made a great pulled pork last night, just ask Joe.
I could do that at your bar easy.
Done and done.
- You've got way too much on your plate.
- Rav, please.
This is what I'm here for.
- All right.
- Yes! Okay.
I'm gonna go talk to the guys.
Don't worry, everything's gonna be okay.
- I'm not worried.
- [Squeals.]
Don't worry, I got your back, buddy.
Felipes! - I hate you guys.
- Yeah.
- Hurry up, she's getting restless.
- I don't even know why we need her opinion.
- Because she's the only one who will be honest with me.
You guys just tell me what I want to hear.
- That's not true.
- Last week you told me I could be a professional backup singer.
- Well, you've got the pipes for it, don't you? - Joe, take it out.
- M'lady.
- Thank you, Joseph.
- So, Q, what you're about to taste - what's in this sauce? 'Cause I don't like mayonnaise.
- Oh, okay, there's just a little bit of red wine vinegar - red wine? I'm 9 1/2! - Okay, just eat the sandwich.
- Minus two points for attitude and presentation.
- What are you talking about? The plate looks perfect.
- I'm not talking about the plate.
I'm talking about this.
- Could you please eat the sandwich? - It's really good.
- Really? Okay, well, would you have me do anything different? - More of it.
- Well, it's supposed to be baby sliders.
- That's dumb! Now I'm gonna have to go to McDonald's on the way home.
- Okay, but, Q, be honest.
You really like it? - Oh, my God.
Take a compliment.
Do you know how hard it is for me to say positive things to you? I do not like you! - Okay.
- [Sighs.]
Now I've lost my appetite.
Can I take this to go? - Yes, you may.
Joe, to-go box, please? - I do not like you.
- I know you don't.
- I put the finishing touches on Leroi Leballer's website.
- Oh, yeah? Who's Leroi Leballer? - A reviewer.
He calls it "Brawling and Pub Crawling with Leroi Leballer.
" - Okay, why are you making a website for a guy that doesn't exist? - It's where he puts all the reviews.
He really ripped Batali a new one for his eatery Del Posto.
- Can you go get the rest of the trash, please? - Yeah.
- [Chuckles.]
- Hey, Len.
- Yeah.
Peter, what are you doing here? - I've been ringing your buzzer for about an hour.
- Yeah, it's broken.
- Look, is Jessica upstairs? I'm only in town for the night, and I really need to talk to her.
- Why, what's going on? You need a kidney or something, man? - Look, I get it, all right? You don't like me.
But could you please just let me inside, so I could talk to my wife? - Your wife? 'Cause that's oh, man, that's weird.
I remember you sending her divorce papers right after you cheated on her.
Do you remember that? - Len, it doesn't have to be like this.
- Okay, so you just show up on your anniversary, and you want to talk to her? You don't think I see right through this thing? - There's no need to raise your voice at me, all right? - She's finally feeling happy - We can talk about this like adults.
- And you are gonna mess everything up! - Oh, really? For who? Her or you? - Okay, get out get off my street.
- Your street? - Get off my street, Peter! - Okay, I'll get off your street.
- Get out of here.
I'm not interested in what you're selling.
Okay, I don't want your girl scout cookies.
Now get out of here.
Get out of here! Get you get! - Get out of here, buddy! Who was that? - That was Peter.
- You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
We're just never telling Jess about this, okay? - Oh, Len, it's so gorgeous.
- Thank you.
- Are you kidding me? What is this? Are those lemon leaves? - Yeah, lemon leaves.
- How did you do this? This smells it smells fresh, do you know what I mean? - Yeah, in here? Fragrant? - Yeah, as well as looking good.
- What are you doing to Mark Buffalo? - Oh, we're just putting a festive garland on him.
Dried berries and such.
- Yeah.
- Okay, I thought we were just keeping this all in the kitchen.
- Okay.
Um, oh.
- Wha whoa, whoa, whoa! What are all these fruits and doilies doing here? - We just want the place to look fresh and clean.
- It's supposed to look dirty.
That's the point.
- Okay, I know you're going for a whole "let's have mustaches and drink craft beer" aesthetic, and I love that.
But tonight people will be judging you on your food, and we eat with our eyes as well as our mouths.
- Everything in this bar I have done for a reason.
- I understand.
- This is all reclaimed wood.
- I know, but the only people that come here are old men with one tooth.
Sorry, Hawk.
- You did ask for her help.
Just wanna point that out.
- Hey, buddy.
Change is hard.
But it's also what helps us bloom.
[The Black Keys' - Tighten Up.]
- Oh, hey, Doug.
What are you doing here? - Joe said to say that my name is Leroi Leballer, and I'm a food blogger? I don't know.
- What? - Yeah, he gave me a dossier with Leroi's background, but my mom needed me to go to the pharmacy, so I only got through, like, half of it.
- Okay, I need you to sit down and shut up.
- Okay.
- [Whispering.]
Sit down.
Joe, why is your weirdest friend Doug here, saying he's Leroi Leballer? - I thought you were gonna ask why he's wearing a fedora.
And my answer was gonna be, "because Leroi Leballer has long been a fan of old Hollywood.
" - Joe, we're keeping this - Guys.
I think I know what's going on.
- You do? - Yeah.
I know who the reviewer is.
It's the weird guy in the fedora.
Reviewers often come by themselves.
- Good eye.
- All right, I'm gonna go say hi.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Hey.
[Smack.]
Handle this.
- Hi.
I just wanted to introduce myself.
I'm Jessica.
I'm the chef, and I hope you brought your appetite tonight.
We have some wonderful treats in store for you.
So it was a pleasure to meet you, and please let me know if you need anything else.
Okay.
- Oh, sorr sorry.
I jammed my finger when I was in eighth grade.
I was dribbling a basketball by myself.
I used to live at the end of a cul-de-sac.
Sort of a latchkey kid.
Anyway, sorry if my finger doesn't bend right.
- No problem.
- Hey, Jess, they need you in the kitchen.
- Okay, excuse me.
So nice excuse me, ow.
I'm just gonna release okay.
- Doug, no more touching.
- Okay.
[Overlapping chatter.]
- Enjoy.
- Hey, Len? - Yeah.
Oh, my God, Rav, people are loving this pork.
They're freaking out.
- What is Dave Endlich doing here? - Who is Dave Endlich? - The guy you just sat.
He writes the bar roundup for Eat NY.
I've been trying to get him in here for years.
- I don't know, maybe he got one of our flyers, huh? - What flyers? - Oh, Jessica put these flyers up all over the neighborhood.
Cute, right? Pig in lipstick? - Okay, I did not sign up for this.
That guy is actually important.
- Okay, will you just calm down? Everything is going amazing.
- No, no, I'm not gonna calm down.
She's slammed in the kitchen.
There's 40 more people than are supposed to be here.
I knew this was going to be a disaster.
- Peter is in town.
- What? What does he want? - I don't know, I sent him away.
But today's their anniversary, and if she sees him without feeling really good about herself, then we are gonna lose her again.
Is that what you want? - No.
- So we need to make this work, okay? - Okay.
- Felipes, I just found this, okay, on the floor.
It's two sliders and a Mac.
Oh, table eight, guys, we need no sauce on this.
I'm sorry, that was my fault.
No sauce, redo them.
Why is this microwave broken? Guys, do you know how to fix this? I've gotta defrost by weight.
What is - hey, hey.
Jess, are you okay? - No, I'm not okay.
This is way too many people.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I keep messing up.
I told Rav I could do this.
- Hey, this is just the one hour where it's real crazy, okay? You are killing this.
- No, I'm not, okay? The Felipes have no idea what I'm saying, and we are way behind.
- Well, let me talk to them.
- Can you do that? - Yes.
All right.
- Yes, okay.
Thank you, Lennon.
- Escuchen me, amigos.
- Felipes, Felipes! Gather round! Right, 'cause if we dress the slaw too early, it gets sog you know, it's soggy.
Yes, agugood, Lennon.
Right, we're gonna stew it for at least an hour.
We're not doing it enough, and that's where it's getting dry.
- Pulled pork! Si? - Yes.
- They get it.
- Okay, what did you say to them, Len? - Oh, just, "all hands on deck.
We're doing it.
" - Okay.
- El jefe, where you go, we will follow.
- Oh.
- Praise God.
Gracias.
Felipes, gracias.
[Overlapping chatter.]
- Can I get some more pork? - If you touch me with your freak finger, I will break it off.
- Okay.
- Can I just say one thing to you? - Is it gonna be emotional? - Yup.
- Then no.
- But it'll be real quick, like pulling off a band-aid.
- Five, four, three - Okay, thank you so much for doing this 'cause I feel really good for the first time in a long time, and I know it was really hard for you to let me in your kitchen.
So Thank you.
- You're good at this.
- You like this? - No, I didn't say I like it, okay? I said you're good at it.
You should probably do more of it, just not in my bar, somewhere else.
- I'm I'm gonna do it here, so - no, you're not.
- Yeah, once a month probably.
- Jessica, you absolutely are not gonna keep doing this here.
- I already made up the flyers.
That's the oh! - That's it.
- [Laughing.]
Rav, put me down, put me down.
Rav, Rav! Put me down, put me down! - I need to tell you something.
- Why is Peter here? - Peter's here.
But that is not right Lennon, you tell me when my ex-husband comes to see me.
- I didn't want you to get upset.
- Well, I'm I'm upset, okay? And I can't deal with you right now, because I have to go talk to him.
- Oh, why, because you're gonna go back to him? Perfect! - No, Lennon, I don't know what I want to do.
- Unbelievable.
- No, you know what's unbelievable is that you're getting upset.
I am the one, okay, that needs to be upset right now because you messed up, Lennon.
- Jessica, I have seen some happiness in you in this kitchen for the first time in three years.
- That is not true.
- It absolutely is.
He you gave up everything to be with him.
- All right, well you know what, it doesn't matter.
Because I am an adult, and I get to have a conversation with him before you decide what is right for me.
- Jessica, when it comes to Peter, you are a baby.
A dumb, dumb baby.
- Okay, well, then you know what, Lennon? Let me be a baby, all right? - Great, then I'll put you in the crib, you dumb baby.
- Wha get off me! - Get in the crib.
- Get off my hand! - Get in this crib! - Stop it! Don't you dare put me in a pile driver, Lennon.
- This is not a pile driver! - Aah! - Felipes! Help me! - Felipes, don't you help her.
- Felipes! - I El jefe, Felipes! - Hey, hey, hey, break it up, break it up.
- I don't know how to get out of that.
- Calm do just break it up! - Ow! - Everybody just calm down.
- Did you know about this, Joe? - [Sighs.]
Yes.
And I'm so sorry.
We just did the restaurant thing, so you'd feel better, and then Peter came, and it was - wha wha wha what "restaurant thing"? - Joe, she didn't know.
- Didn't know what? - You just got really upset after the butt dial, and so I thought if we created this one night where Rav needed you to be the chef then you would get happy again, and then when you saw Peter - wait a second, so none of this is real? So wha what else isn't real, huh? Is this is this real, Lennon? - Yeah.
- Is that real? - It's a colander.
- What about this pork? Is this pork real? - No, Jessica, that is not pork, and you will die from that.
- I don't care, Lennon.
What about the Felipes? Are they real? Are they even really mexican? Are you trying to make me lose my mind? - No.
- Am I really such a sad person that you feel like you have to do this for me? - Hey, Jess? You wanna go outside? - No, I don't think she does.
- You know what, stop answering for me, all of you! [Sighs.]
- Jess, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about the divorce papers and How I handled it and just everything.
- So you feel guilty, that's why you're here.
- Look.
When I got that butt dial that crazy butt dial of yours I I couldn't put it down.
I listened to all seven minutes of that thing, and it just made me so happy to hear your voice again.
I really miss you.
- I miss you too.
- You look so cute in that chef jacket.
- Stop.
- What? - Stop Doing that.
- What what am I - stop it.
You get over there.
- Come to London with me tonight.
- What? - We'll get our old room at the Covent Garden Hotel.
- What are you talking about? - Come on, we'll just we'll just get room service, and we'll just stay in bed all day.
- And then what? I'll I'll just go back to San Francisco alone? - No, then you'll come with me.
We'll go to Austria, then I have to go to Spain.
- Peter, I can't keep doing this.
I have to have a life.
I can't just follow you around.
- I don't know, Jess.
- Oh.
Nothing's gonna change.
- Okay, well You've obviously got something great going on here, so - you know what? Those people in there may be insane, but they love me so much that they created a whole stupid night for me, so I could have one minute of happiness.
And you can't tell me one thing that's gonna change? So you know what? Have a good flight to London, okay? No, you know what? Have a terrible flight.
I hope you're sitting next to a baby.
A dumb, dumb baby.
- Hey, Len.
- I'm I'm sorry.
I just - you know it's actually starting to rain outside.
- What? Jess, I'm trying to apologize to you - I know, and I'm trying to tell you that The temperature's rising - Oh, you got me.
- Barometer's gettin' low - according to all sources Both: the street's the place to go 'cause tonight for the first time just about half past 10:00 [The Weather Girls' It's Raining Men.]
- For the first time in history it's gonna start raining men it's raining men hallelujah it's raining men My opinion? "Come for the pork, stay for the show.
"Rumor has it, this will be a monthly event.
Dave endlich, Eat NY.
" - Monthly? - Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you want it more often? - Hey, there's a video review up from Leroi Leballer.
- What? - I gotta see this.
- Yup.
- Hey, everybody.
It's Leroi Leballer.
Welcome welcome to "Brawl and" welcome to "Brawl and Pub Crawls.
" I just came back from one of the most delicious meals I ever had, but it was nothing compared to that angel baby who made it.
Jessica, wherever you go, know that I will probably be there.
Ok.
Here's a little something extra.
But don't tell dads.
Time for the underbelly move [both screaming.]
This is- This is how you like it? I still got it! I still got it!