Betas (2013) s01e02 Episode Script
Kid Charlemagne
1 All right, let's do this.
Watch all episodes of Betas, exclusively on Amazon Prime Instant Video.
- This is so great.
- Perfect.
(sighs) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! -I thought you measured.
-I eyeballed it.
Then you need glasses.
This is a John Holmes-Kristi Yamaguchi type situation, bro.
What if we took off the door and removed the hinges? You, sir, are a fucking visionary.
(chuckles) Place is a shit hole, though, right? Guess The Murch isn't forking over the big bucks yet.
No, this is a huge opportunity, man.
You know what companies have been through this accelerator? You can't wipe your ass with opportunity.
Cash, on the very hand-- very absorbent.
So stoked you're finally in the city, bro-bro.
You gotta come over.
Deshawn's got, like, a 60-inch plasma, plus we're like a block away from the best ice cream in San Fran.
I'm lactose intolerant.
HOBBES: Oh, fuck! Aah, sorry! They got hibiscus sorbet, gluten-free cones.
-Mitch, beer us.
-Yep.
(man muttering unintelligibly) I like to sell my recipes all around the yard.
-(chuckles) -(man mutters) I question this neighborhood's gentrification status.
Oh, this hood is Ponyville.
When I lived in the Tenderloin, a crack-head set my landlord on fire.
Gentlemen, if I may Tomorrow, shit gets real.
And when we win, when we crush this, it'll be because we came together to cram a giant couch through a tiny fuckin' doorway.
-To BRB.
-BRB, whoo! -Mad inspirational! Oh, my God! This is great, this is so great.
-MAN: Ah, ah -NASH: But that's my couch.
Please stop.
-(laughs) -(grunts) Such a proud people.
I'm a broken man, I'm damaged goods Lock me in the basement with furnace soot Guys, I hear The Murch makes every team that goes through the program do these, like, weekly talent shows.
-Is that true? -Stop scaring him.
(chuckles) Mitch, this isn't a fuckin' speakeasy.
Where is it? Uh, email says, "Enter through the alley.
" Oh, boom! Murch's secret lair.
All right, let's do this.
That's nice.
Oh Hey, now Yeah, I could work here.
(laughs) There are over 300 applicants for the four spots in this class.
So you've already proven you're special.
Velocity will give you the tools, the mentors and the access to put you on the fast track to success.
On Demo Day, you'll present your work to some of the most motivated investors in the Valley.
Translation? You've got three months to get your shit together and to change the world.
Okay, enough yapping.
I'll see you at the class mixer on Thursday.
And remember, intoxication is mandatory.
(applause and cheering) Hey, is that Jordan Alexis from ValleySmash? Ooh, I thought I felt my balls ascend into my abdomen.
Does anyone still read that rag? No, just everyone in the Valley.
She must be blogging about the new class.
We need to get a sit-down.
She's a Gremlin, T.
Do not feed her after midnight.
So, Jeff from Teq-we-la is in the conference room.
You know, he's got a really compelling business model.
-I actually think -Crowd-funded tequila? Come on, the only thing compelling about Jeff is his jawline.
(text alert) Oh, wait, it's Rob.
We keep missing each other.
Oh, Mr.
"Sleepless in Chicago.
" How's that working out? -Long-distance is tough.
-True.
Well, if it goes tits-up at least you're surrounded by all these potential rebounds.
-(laughs) -Jordan? Hi, I'm Trey Barrett, CEO of BRB.
Wow, that's a lot of letters.
You must be someone important.
-Well -Ha-ha! -Kidding! -Ah! Funny! I I'd love to get together sometime, tell you what we're up to.
Not a good time, Trey.
Uh, Jeff's waiting.
So, what, you don't think we're blog-worthy? Last I checked, BRB was a PowerPoint piggy-backing on an illegal hack of Facebook.
That's a bit reductive, don't you think? Until you have a beta, a user base, some monthly revenue, something real I think publicity is beside the point.
Now is this you talking or The Murch? As far as you're concerned, we're one and the same.
-Hmm.
-Huh.
SikJeans has a hundred thousand unique visitors a month, and Discountess is in talks with Google, -so we are so far behind.
-You're missing the point.
The Murch hand-picked us.
We've got a direct line to the man upstairs.
Open your eyes, Mad Max.
The Murch just wants to sit around and watch us all tear each other to pieces.
This place is Thunderdome.
All we need to do is get the word out, you know, build some brand awareness.
Mikki does marketing.
Maybe she could, I don't know, do, like, a viral campaign -for us or something? -Speaking of thinking with your dick Ch-ch-ch-ch check it out! What is that? This, my brilliant brown friend, is the RealTouch.
It's like a robot pussy on steroids.
Cyber-bush is bad news, dude, uh Number Six, Buffybot, the chick from "Blade Runner," -Cherry 2000 -(mechanical humming) Trey, stick a finger in.
She's waiting for you.
She won't bite.
Thanks, I'm good.
And I'm tweeting.
-I'm twatting.
-(chuckles) What are you tweeting? Oh, not what.
Who.
Jordan, hi.
Thanks for meeting me.
Oh, is this a meeting? I thought it was more of a rendezvous.
-You weren't followed, were you? -What? Lisa seemed pretty intent on keeping us apart, so just wondered if I should keep an eye out for spies.
(chuckles) Well, that Glass-hole looks a little shady.
Maybe we should find somewhere more private? -And I need another drink.
-Oh, perfect.
Uh, you a whiskey girl? Since I was 12 years old.
Uh (clears throat) This place rules! Oh, yeah! Dude, it's like 2:00 pm.
First of all, man, I don't think the company would provide beer if we weren't supposed to drink it.
And second of all, this is about the closest thing I have to a paycheck, so denying me its frosty pleasure -would be kind of like advocating slavery.
-Okay.
Is that the direction you want to go in, man? You want to be a slaver? -I do not want to be a slaver.
-Good.
Son, you didn't tell me you played "Words With Friends.
" Yeah, man, this app is reserved for one-way communication with the ex.
It's like a Bat signal, only bitchier.
Ugh! What does she want? Besides alimony and my balls in a pouch? Aren't balls already in a pouch? Sack.
Hey, can you give me a ride to the Mission? Uh, Mikki's coming in, like, an hour, so Oh, yeah? You gonna eat that bento box? What?! No, you weirdo.
She just wants to check out the new digs, like, as a friend.
HOBBES: Okay.
Hey! Hey, hi, I'm Stuart.
What? Uh, Stuart, CTO of SikJeans.
We sell designer denim at wholesale prices.
It's "sick" in a cool way, uh, not Oh! Hi, I'm Nash.
And I'm not into pants.
My, uh, co-founder, Devang, makes me wear the product, says we have to dog food our hardware.
CEO's Sorry, I'm just, uh, a little overwhelmed.
Um, my co-founder said that we'd have our own office.
It's not exactly the Baxter Building, but we've got free broadband, sweet snacks, and not to mention those bangin'-ass hotties with the bargain-hunting app.
What's that? Ah! "Coding Challenge of the Week.
" This one's on Projection Perspective, and it's a bish.
I, uh, won the last three.
MITCH: The dye in the marshmallows was turning kids' poop pink, and so they were squirting this, like, weird salmon color.
And their parents were just, like, freaking out about it! They called it Frankenberry Stool! -(Hobbes chuckles) -Classic! Dude, Dane texted me.
"Yo, chica, you still need dem Molleez for Treasure Island?" This Skeletor-looking motherfucker still thinks this is Mikki's phone.
You gonna let him off the hook? No, dude, I'm gonna buy some "E.
" What do you think? 25 pills, is that cool? -Yeah, sure.
-(chuckles) All right, done and done.
-Peace.
-See ya.
Hey, are you sure about this, man? You told me your ex was a nightmare.
The junk wants what the junk wants.
See, we have to make social spontaneous and local, like real life.
BRB is gonna define that space.
You do realize it's been tried before? Like Highlight, KisMet.
That abomination Girls Around Me.
I mean, people still value their privacy.
Not me, of course.
I mean, I'm an open book or a psychotic narcissist, depending on who you ask.
No, those apps were cheap Foursquare knockoffs with a social component, and you know it.
The key is You know, if we got you out of that hoodie, you'd almost be handsome.
I should set you up with the Gustin guys.
Thanks, but I don't crowd-source my clothes.
Oh, well maybe you should.
Your style could use a little update.
Sorry, is that too frank? No, I just don't care about style; I care about efficiency.
You know, research shows that wasting brain power on small decisions like fashion actually erodes your ability to make bigger ones.
Ooh, stats! Just what the ladies like.
-What? -(sniffs) Hold that thought.
Hey, fellas.
What's going on? (chuckles) How'd you manage that? I told them I'd get their skate video on the front page of Reddit.
Nice.
-Works every time.
-I bet it does.
(knocks) (sighs) You look like a vagina from the '80s.
Too busy fist-fucking your drum circle to wash your hair? -Funny.
-What do you want, Bren? You decide I'm the man of your dreams and you want to give this marriage thing another shot? You know I have no money, and I have very little soul left to shit on.
Eat me, asshole.
You know if you just wanted to trade insults, we could have done it on "Words With Friends.
" Who said I need to want anything? Re-phrase.
What do you need? (grunts) (screaming and moaning) (grunting and yelling) (grunts) (moaning) Oh, fuck, yeah.
Oh! (wincing groan) (moans) Oh! Stay out of my ass, Bren! Stay the fuck out of my ass! So, Trey gave this really nice little speech, and then, um, all of a sudden this Indian dude just comes out of nowhere and totally whizzes on Nash's couch.
And I was, like, "What?! This is cray-cray!" My, uh, video got like 600 hits on YouTube.
Check it out.
-Red dot or feather? -Huh? Oh, the Indian guy! I thought you were quoting Jay-Z.
(energetic shouting) MIKKI: Total nerd frenzy.
What, did Hermione just turn 18? A long time ago.
(shouting) Winner gets dibs on the Xbox.
And mad props.
Well, who's running the book? Hmm? Taking wagers.
Bets! Jesus, Mitch, you've got a roomful of stat wizards -and no fuckin' action? -There's an online leader board.
Your boy's behind.
Are you worried? Worried Stu's gonna kill himself.
No, Nash is like the train in "Unstoppable.
" -He's totally unstop -Unstoppable, yes, I got it.
Okay, I got a bitcoin on Bollywood.
- Who's in? - Oh, you're crazy.
I haven't smoked since college.
That's your first problem right there.
Get familiar, 'cause when this stuff becomes legal, there's gonna be a huge market.
Yeah, like Uber for weed.
"Doober.
" (chuckling) You're funny! -This is fun.
-Yeah.
So, tell me I heard a rumor the reason The Murch picked you for his little project is 'cause you crashed his house party and got him laid.
Who told you that? Doesn't matter.
Is it true? Well, you forgot the part where Nash stole Facebook's user data and then Lisa called us a "stalker's wet dream.
" (chuckles): Oh, shit! And I thought we'd have nothing to talk about.
(sighs) You been sharpening those talons? I have work.
You should go.
Oh, right.
Jesus! Grab a Dove bar on your way out.
I know you get hungry after.
Yeah, I'll grab two.
Fuck! What the fuck?! What the fuck?! What did you do to Ray Katzweil? I didn't do anything, asshole.
He was 12 years old.
-How long? -Three weeks.
In the freezer? Well, I didn't know how to tell you.
Oh, so you thought you'd fuck me and feed me ice cream first? I thought you might want him.
That's why I reached out.
Listen we can't keep doing this.
It's not healthy, you know? We got divorced for a reason.
Come on, come on.
Let's go.
(joyful shouts) STUART: Okay It is my honor to bestow upon you the Amulet of Epic Domination.
-Yeah, buddy! -Well-played, man.
So, I packed up all your stuff, Lis, the lamp that you love, your Klimt poster and the Vitamix.
Anything else? The Vitamix was a gift, remember? -When you got into law school.
-Oh, right.
I guess I never caught smoothie fever.
Oh, Jesus, Rob.
Fine, yes.
I'll make some fucking hummus or something.
Sorry, I didn't mean to snap.
You know, I got to go study, Lis.
Yeah, fine.
Bye.
(phone vibrates) Um, uh, hey, George.
What's up? Did you see this hatchet job on ValleySmash? I want Trey Barrett in my office at 9:00, sharp.
TREY: I take full responsibility.
I was just trying to drum up some publicity for BRB, and she twisted everything that I The only thing you should be drumming up is a goddamn reason I keep your ass around! Hey, the article made me look bad, too.
Just give me a chance to fix it.
Absolutely not! You and your team are on press blackout.
I see so much as an Instagram of your dipshit face before your beta launches, BRB is done! Dis-fucking-missed! Don't even start.
I know you tried to keep me from betting on Barrett.
But you shouldn't have let that Jordan Alexis get anywhere near this place.
Girl's a walking shit-nado.
We don't gain anything by alienating ValleySmash.
They've become way too big to ignore.
Besides, Barrett went behind my back.
Short of tranquilizing him, I'm not sure what I could have done.
Figure something out.
It is your job, after all.
Jesus, look at these comments.
Someone called me "Mark Fuckerberg's mutant rape-spawn.
" Harsh.
Was the Murch P.
O.
'd? Unless he spits when he's happy.
This is a nightmare.
I signed a lease.
Hey, check it out.
My couch pisser video made it onto Reddit.
It's got, like, 8,000 views.
Who cares, man? You see I'm trying to mourn my friend? Of course, yeah.
Totally, man.
Um it's just, carrying around the carcass is kind of weird.
No offense.
Yeah, well, fuckin' offense taken, man! All right? And it's not just a carcass, okay? It's a metaphor.
Am I the only fucking English major in here? Yeah.
How did you even get this in the bar? It's not an outside beverage, dude.
Look, if it makes you feel any better you're not the first young buck to go down in Jordan's sights.
Great.
Women are destroyers.
Maybe if we just show some progress on the beta, The Murch will What, forget the entire tech world knows he's into rope bondage? Fuck that.
We gotta hit back, tell our side of the story.
What is that, exactly? I mean, she didn't actually print anything untrue.
It's just, y'know, bitchy.
Exactly.
So, let's own it.
How many views for the couch pisser? 8,000 in the last hour.
That's what we need to do.
She's already given us the stage.
And a story.
We gotta double down.
Hi, I'm Trey Barrett, co-founder of BRB, the world's first and only online social network.
It's for your computer.
You might know me better as the guy ValleySmash recently called "more hoodie than human" and "a shining example of the Silicon Valley wantrepreneur.
" True and true.
But a wantrepreneur's only as good as the people whose work he takes credit for.
This is my CTO, Nash.
He hacked Facebook because he's a fuckin' genius, and he got a billionaire laid simply because he cares.
This is Hobbes.
I don't know if that's his first name or his last name.
But I do know he founded Anonymous and brought Citibank to its knees, which is why he's our Site Security Specialist.
He's still on parole.
(gulping) Mitchell here graduated high school at 15.
We call him "Jake the Snake" for the way he handles PYTHON.
That's a programming language.
He's also fluent in Ewok, Elvish and Dothraki.
My man here lives to code.
So, how do I lead my crackerjack team? Simple.
I don't believe in meetings.
I believe in massages.
And free snacks.
Now, sure, my grandpa didn't have perks like these, but he just built the railroads.
At BRB, we're connecting people.
Dress codes inhibit creativity.
At our office, no shoes allowed.
Flip-flops are fuckin' shoes, Hobbes! By now you're probably wondering what it is we're selling.
How does BRB work? Will it get me laid if I'm not a billionaire? So many questions.
But ask yourself with a founder's video this awesome, does it really matter? MIKKI: Hold it, hold it, cut! Dude, it totally matters.
Yeah, the whole point of this shiz is to tell people about the beta.
If you don't tell them, I will.
Ugh! (clears throat) I talked to TechCrunch and ValleyWag.
They're gonna run with it.
Jordan's made a lot of enemies.
Nice.
What do you think? Oh, I think you're gonna flame on or flame out.
Either way, it ought to be entertaining.
(chuckles): Thanks for the vote of ambivalence.
(mutters): Yeah.
All right.
Hi, I'm Trey Barrett, founder of It's for your computer.
You might know me better as the guy ValleySmash He hacked Facebook because he's a fucking genius.
And he got a billionaire laid simply because he cares.
Mitchell here graduated high school at 15.
Great, it's like "Children of the Corn.
" So is that a good thing or a bad thing? Doesn't matter.
At least they know who we are.
Yeah, I'm gonna get a little distance, just in case.
For sure.
I saw your video.
Impressive.
It's no Keyboard Cat, but you definitely made Jordan eat her words.
Thank you.
I-I'm surprised you're talking to me.
Oh, it's not by choice.
The Murch asked me to keep tabs on you.
Ah, so I'm, like, the troublemaker now.
I think you've always been the troublemaker.
And you're The Murch's guard dog.
So what, we're just gonna pretend to hate each other for the next three months? Uh, I don't like being predictable, and you know, it seems like you could stand to, you know I don't.
Stand to what? Loosen up.
Every time I see you in a crowded place I mean, we're at a party and you're all alone.
Well, every time I see you, you're scheming to sneak behind my back.
Maybe it makes me a little wary.
Well, if we worked together, maybe We'll see.
Have you evaluated it? Oh, yeah.
It's better than sex.
How would you know? Zing! It jokes?! Seriously, though, this thing is like Oculus Rift for your dick.
- (mechanical buzzing) -Total.
Sensory.
Overload.
(squishing) Interesting.
It has a self-lubricating mechanism? Ooh, must have missed a spot.
(chuckles): Dude, your face! Priceless.
(laughter) He hot, he fly, he stoned, he's hot Yeah, he got it goin' on, hey, got me checking my phone Disobedience is often a sign of greatness.
When I was your age, I dodged the draft and ran sound for The Grateful Dead.
That's how I hooked up with Owsley and built our first LSD lab.
Wow, the team and I just want to say that we appreciate Spare me the fuckin' rub 'n tug, okay, pal? Point is, hype is cheap.
Delivering is what's important.
If we had dropped some weak shit back in '67, San Francisco never would've experienced the Summer of Love.
Owsley and I gave the world White Lightning, Jefferson Airplane, public orgies.
Your little stunt got everybody's attention, Barrett, but now, you better deliver.
He hot, he fly, he stoned, he's hot Yeah, he got it goin' on, hey, got me checking my phone Every other minute, got me checking my phone He hot, he fly, he stoned, he's hot Yeah, he got it goin' on, hey, got me checking my phone Every other minute, got me checking my phone Watch all episodes of Alpha House, - starring John Goodman.
- Oh, that'd be great.
Exclusively on Amazon Prime Instant Video.
Amazing.
Watch all episodes of Betas, exclusively on Amazon Prime Instant Video.
- This is so great.
- Perfect.
(sighs) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! -I thought you measured.
-I eyeballed it.
Then you need glasses.
This is a John Holmes-Kristi Yamaguchi type situation, bro.
What if we took off the door and removed the hinges? You, sir, are a fucking visionary.
(chuckles) Place is a shit hole, though, right? Guess The Murch isn't forking over the big bucks yet.
No, this is a huge opportunity, man.
You know what companies have been through this accelerator? You can't wipe your ass with opportunity.
Cash, on the very hand-- very absorbent.
So stoked you're finally in the city, bro-bro.
You gotta come over.
Deshawn's got, like, a 60-inch plasma, plus we're like a block away from the best ice cream in San Fran.
I'm lactose intolerant.
HOBBES: Oh, fuck! Aah, sorry! They got hibiscus sorbet, gluten-free cones.
-Mitch, beer us.
-Yep.
(man muttering unintelligibly) I like to sell my recipes all around the yard.
-(chuckles) -(man mutters) I question this neighborhood's gentrification status.
Oh, this hood is Ponyville.
When I lived in the Tenderloin, a crack-head set my landlord on fire.
Gentlemen, if I may Tomorrow, shit gets real.
And when we win, when we crush this, it'll be because we came together to cram a giant couch through a tiny fuckin' doorway.
-To BRB.
-BRB, whoo! -Mad inspirational! Oh, my God! This is great, this is so great.
-MAN: Ah, ah -NASH: But that's my couch.
Please stop.
-(laughs) -(grunts) Such a proud people.
I'm a broken man, I'm damaged goods Lock me in the basement with furnace soot Guys, I hear The Murch makes every team that goes through the program do these, like, weekly talent shows.
-Is that true? -Stop scaring him.
(chuckles) Mitch, this isn't a fuckin' speakeasy.
Where is it? Uh, email says, "Enter through the alley.
" Oh, boom! Murch's secret lair.
All right, let's do this.
That's nice.
Oh Hey, now Yeah, I could work here.
(laughs) There are over 300 applicants for the four spots in this class.
So you've already proven you're special.
Velocity will give you the tools, the mentors and the access to put you on the fast track to success.
On Demo Day, you'll present your work to some of the most motivated investors in the Valley.
Translation? You've got three months to get your shit together and to change the world.
Okay, enough yapping.
I'll see you at the class mixer on Thursday.
And remember, intoxication is mandatory.
(applause and cheering) Hey, is that Jordan Alexis from ValleySmash? Ooh, I thought I felt my balls ascend into my abdomen.
Does anyone still read that rag? No, just everyone in the Valley.
She must be blogging about the new class.
We need to get a sit-down.
She's a Gremlin, T.
Do not feed her after midnight.
So, Jeff from Teq-we-la is in the conference room.
You know, he's got a really compelling business model.
-I actually think -Crowd-funded tequila? Come on, the only thing compelling about Jeff is his jawline.
(text alert) Oh, wait, it's Rob.
We keep missing each other.
Oh, Mr.
"Sleepless in Chicago.
" How's that working out? -Long-distance is tough.
-True.
Well, if it goes tits-up at least you're surrounded by all these potential rebounds.
-(laughs) -Jordan? Hi, I'm Trey Barrett, CEO of BRB.
Wow, that's a lot of letters.
You must be someone important.
-Well -Ha-ha! -Kidding! -Ah! Funny! I I'd love to get together sometime, tell you what we're up to.
Not a good time, Trey.
Uh, Jeff's waiting.
So, what, you don't think we're blog-worthy? Last I checked, BRB was a PowerPoint piggy-backing on an illegal hack of Facebook.
That's a bit reductive, don't you think? Until you have a beta, a user base, some monthly revenue, something real I think publicity is beside the point.
Now is this you talking or The Murch? As far as you're concerned, we're one and the same.
-Hmm.
-Huh.
SikJeans has a hundred thousand unique visitors a month, and Discountess is in talks with Google, -so we are so far behind.
-You're missing the point.
The Murch hand-picked us.
We've got a direct line to the man upstairs.
Open your eyes, Mad Max.
The Murch just wants to sit around and watch us all tear each other to pieces.
This place is Thunderdome.
All we need to do is get the word out, you know, build some brand awareness.
Mikki does marketing.
Maybe she could, I don't know, do, like, a viral campaign -for us or something? -Speaking of thinking with your dick Ch-ch-ch-ch check it out! What is that? This, my brilliant brown friend, is the RealTouch.
It's like a robot pussy on steroids.
Cyber-bush is bad news, dude, uh Number Six, Buffybot, the chick from "Blade Runner," -Cherry 2000 -(mechanical humming) Trey, stick a finger in.
She's waiting for you.
She won't bite.
Thanks, I'm good.
And I'm tweeting.
-I'm twatting.
-(chuckles) What are you tweeting? Oh, not what.
Who.
Jordan, hi.
Thanks for meeting me.
Oh, is this a meeting? I thought it was more of a rendezvous.
-You weren't followed, were you? -What? Lisa seemed pretty intent on keeping us apart, so just wondered if I should keep an eye out for spies.
(chuckles) Well, that Glass-hole looks a little shady.
Maybe we should find somewhere more private? -And I need another drink.
-Oh, perfect.
Uh, you a whiskey girl? Since I was 12 years old.
Uh (clears throat) This place rules! Oh, yeah! Dude, it's like 2:00 pm.
First of all, man, I don't think the company would provide beer if we weren't supposed to drink it.
And second of all, this is about the closest thing I have to a paycheck, so denying me its frosty pleasure -would be kind of like advocating slavery.
-Okay.
Is that the direction you want to go in, man? You want to be a slaver? -I do not want to be a slaver.
-Good.
Son, you didn't tell me you played "Words With Friends.
" Yeah, man, this app is reserved for one-way communication with the ex.
It's like a Bat signal, only bitchier.
Ugh! What does she want? Besides alimony and my balls in a pouch? Aren't balls already in a pouch? Sack.
Hey, can you give me a ride to the Mission? Uh, Mikki's coming in, like, an hour, so Oh, yeah? You gonna eat that bento box? What?! No, you weirdo.
She just wants to check out the new digs, like, as a friend.
HOBBES: Okay.
Hey! Hey, hi, I'm Stuart.
What? Uh, Stuart, CTO of SikJeans.
We sell designer denim at wholesale prices.
It's "sick" in a cool way, uh, not Oh! Hi, I'm Nash.
And I'm not into pants.
My, uh, co-founder, Devang, makes me wear the product, says we have to dog food our hardware.
CEO's Sorry, I'm just, uh, a little overwhelmed.
Um, my co-founder said that we'd have our own office.
It's not exactly the Baxter Building, but we've got free broadband, sweet snacks, and not to mention those bangin'-ass hotties with the bargain-hunting app.
What's that? Ah! "Coding Challenge of the Week.
" This one's on Projection Perspective, and it's a bish.
I, uh, won the last three.
MITCH: The dye in the marshmallows was turning kids' poop pink, and so they were squirting this, like, weird salmon color.
And their parents were just, like, freaking out about it! They called it Frankenberry Stool! -(Hobbes chuckles) -Classic! Dude, Dane texted me.
"Yo, chica, you still need dem Molleez for Treasure Island?" This Skeletor-looking motherfucker still thinks this is Mikki's phone.
You gonna let him off the hook? No, dude, I'm gonna buy some "E.
" What do you think? 25 pills, is that cool? -Yeah, sure.
-(chuckles) All right, done and done.
-Peace.
-See ya.
Hey, are you sure about this, man? You told me your ex was a nightmare.
The junk wants what the junk wants.
See, we have to make social spontaneous and local, like real life.
BRB is gonna define that space.
You do realize it's been tried before? Like Highlight, KisMet.
That abomination Girls Around Me.
I mean, people still value their privacy.
Not me, of course.
I mean, I'm an open book or a psychotic narcissist, depending on who you ask.
No, those apps were cheap Foursquare knockoffs with a social component, and you know it.
The key is You know, if we got you out of that hoodie, you'd almost be handsome.
I should set you up with the Gustin guys.
Thanks, but I don't crowd-source my clothes.
Oh, well maybe you should.
Your style could use a little update.
Sorry, is that too frank? No, I just don't care about style; I care about efficiency.
You know, research shows that wasting brain power on small decisions like fashion actually erodes your ability to make bigger ones.
Ooh, stats! Just what the ladies like.
-What? -(sniffs) Hold that thought.
Hey, fellas.
What's going on? (chuckles) How'd you manage that? I told them I'd get their skate video on the front page of Reddit.
Nice.
-Works every time.
-I bet it does.
(knocks) (sighs) You look like a vagina from the '80s.
Too busy fist-fucking your drum circle to wash your hair? -Funny.
-What do you want, Bren? You decide I'm the man of your dreams and you want to give this marriage thing another shot? You know I have no money, and I have very little soul left to shit on.
Eat me, asshole.
You know if you just wanted to trade insults, we could have done it on "Words With Friends.
" Who said I need to want anything? Re-phrase.
What do you need? (grunts) (screaming and moaning) (grunting and yelling) (grunts) (moaning) Oh, fuck, yeah.
Oh! (wincing groan) (moans) Oh! Stay out of my ass, Bren! Stay the fuck out of my ass! So, Trey gave this really nice little speech, and then, um, all of a sudden this Indian dude just comes out of nowhere and totally whizzes on Nash's couch.
And I was, like, "What?! This is cray-cray!" My, uh, video got like 600 hits on YouTube.
Check it out.
-Red dot or feather? -Huh? Oh, the Indian guy! I thought you were quoting Jay-Z.
(energetic shouting) MIKKI: Total nerd frenzy.
What, did Hermione just turn 18? A long time ago.
(shouting) Winner gets dibs on the Xbox.
And mad props.
Well, who's running the book? Hmm? Taking wagers.
Bets! Jesus, Mitch, you've got a roomful of stat wizards -and no fuckin' action? -There's an online leader board.
Your boy's behind.
Are you worried? Worried Stu's gonna kill himself.
No, Nash is like the train in "Unstoppable.
" -He's totally unstop -Unstoppable, yes, I got it.
Okay, I got a bitcoin on Bollywood.
- Who's in? - Oh, you're crazy.
I haven't smoked since college.
That's your first problem right there.
Get familiar, 'cause when this stuff becomes legal, there's gonna be a huge market.
Yeah, like Uber for weed.
"Doober.
" (chuckling) You're funny! -This is fun.
-Yeah.
So, tell me I heard a rumor the reason The Murch picked you for his little project is 'cause you crashed his house party and got him laid.
Who told you that? Doesn't matter.
Is it true? Well, you forgot the part where Nash stole Facebook's user data and then Lisa called us a "stalker's wet dream.
" (chuckles): Oh, shit! And I thought we'd have nothing to talk about.
(sighs) You been sharpening those talons? I have work.
You should go.
Oh, right.
Jesus! Grab a Dove bar on your way out.
I know you get hungry after.
Yeah, I'll grab two.
Fuck! What the fuck?! What the fuck?! What did you do to Ray Katzweil? I didn't do anything, asshole.
He was 12 years old.
-How long? -Three weeks.
In the freezer? Well, I didn't know how to tell you.
Oh, so you thought you'd fuck me and feed me ice cream first? I thought you might want him.
That's why I reached out.
Listen we can't keep doing this.
It's not healthy, you know? We got divorced for a reason.
Come on, come on.
Let's go.
(joyful shouts) STUART: Okay It is my honor to bestow upon you the Amulet of Epic Domination.
-Yeah, buddy! -Well-played, man.
So, I packed up all your stuff, Lis, the lamp that you love, your Klimt poster and the Vitamix.
Anything else? The Vitamix was a gift, remember? -When you got into law school.
-Oh, right.
I guess I never caught smoothie fever.
Oh, Jesus, Rob.
Fine, yes.
I'll make some fucking hummus or something.
Sorry, I didn't mean to snap.
You know, I got to go study, Lis.
Yeah, fine.
Bye.
(phone vibrates) Um, uh, hey, George.
What's up? Did you see this hatchet job on ValleySmash? I want Trey Barrett in my office at 9:00, sharp.
TREY: I take full responsibility.
I was just trying to drum up some publicity for BRB, and she twisted everything that I The only thing you should be drumming up is a goddamn reason I keep your ass around! Hey, the article made me look bad, too.
Just give me a chance to fix it.
Absolutely not! You and your team are on press blackout.
I see so much as an Instagram of your dipshit face before your beta launches, BRB is done! Dis-fucking-missed! Don't even start.
I know you tried to keep me from betting on Barrett.
But you shouldn't have let that Jordan Alexis get anywhere near this place.
Girl's a walking shit-nado.
We don't gain anything by alienating ValleySmash.
They've become way too big to ignore.
Besides, Barrett went behind my back.
Short of tranquilizing him, I'm not sure what I could have done.
Figure something out.
It is your job, after all.
Jesus, look at these comments.
Someone called me "Mark Fuckerberg's mutant rape-spawn.
" Harsh.
Was the Murch P.
O.
'd? Unless he spits when he's happy.
This is a nightmare.
I signed a lease.
Hey, check it out.
My couch pisser video made it onto Reddit.
It's got, like, 8,000 views.
Who cares, man? You see I'm trying to mourn my friend? Of course, yeah.
Totally, man.
Um it's just, carrying around the carcass is kind of weird.
No offense.
Yeah, well, fuckin' offense taken, man! All right? And it's not just a carcass, okay? It's a metaphor.
Am I the only fucking English major in here? Yeah.
How did you even get this in the bar? It's not an outside beverage, dude.
Look, if it makes you feel any better you're not the first young buck to go down in Jordan's sights.
Great.
Women are destroyers.
Maybe if we just show some progress on the beta, The Murch will What, forget the entire tech world knows he's into rope bondage? Fuck that.
We gotta hit back, tell our side of the story.
What is that, exactly? I mean, she didn't actually print anything untrue.
It's just, y'know, bitchy.
Exactly.
So, let's own it.
How many views for the couch pisser? 8,000 in the last hour.
That's what we need to do.
She's already given us the stage.
And a story.
We gotta double down.
Hi, I'm Trey Barrett, co-founder of BRB, the world's first and only online social network.
It's for your computer.
You might know me better as the guy ValleySmash recently called "more hoodie than human" and "a shining example of the Silicon Valley wantrepreneur.
" True and true.
But a wantrepreneur's only as good as the people whose work he takes credit for.
This is my CTO, Nash.
He hacked Facebook because he's a fuckin' genius, and he got a billionaire laid simply because he cares.
This is Hobbes.
I don't know if that's his first name or his last name.
But I do know he founded Anonymous and brought Citibank to its knees, which is why he's our Site Security Specialist.
He's still on parole.
(gulping) Mitchell here graduated high school at 15.
We call him "Jake the Snake" for the way he handles PYTHON.
That's a programming language.
He's also fluent in Ewok, Elvish and Dothraki.
My man here lives to code.
So, how do I lead my crackerjack team? Simple.
I don't believe in meetings.
I believe in massages.
And free snacks.
Now, sure, my grandpa didn't have perks like these, but he just built the railroads.
At BRB, we're connecting people.
Dress codes inhibit creativity.
At our office, no shoes allowed.
Flip-flops are fuckin' shoes, Hobbes! By now you're probably wondering what it is we're selling.
How does BRB work? Will it get me laid if I'm not a billionaire? So many questions.
But ask yourself with a founder's video this awesome, does it really matter? MIKKI: Hold it, hold it, cut! Dude, it totally matters.
Yeah, the whole point of this shiz is to tell people about the beta.
If you don't tell them, I will.
Ugh! (clears throat) I talked to TechCrunch and ValleyWag.
They're gonna run with it.
Jordan's made a lot of enemies.
Nice.
What do you think? Oh, I think you're gonna flame on or flame out.
Either way, it ought to be entertaining.
(chuckles): Thanks for the vote of ambivalence.
(mutters): Yeah.
All right.
Hi, I'm Trey Barrett, founder of It's for your computer.
You might know me better as the guy ValleySmash He hacked Facebook because he's a fucking genius.
And he got a billionaire laid simply because he cares.
Mitchell here graduated high school at 15.
Great, it's like "Children of the Corn.
" So is that a good thing or a bad thing? Doesn't matter.
At least they know who we are.
Yeah, I'm gonna get a little distance, just in case.
For sure.
I saw your video.
Impressive.
It's no Keyboard Cat, but you definitely made Jordan eat her words.
Thank you.
I-I'm surprised you're talking to me.
Oh, it's not by choice.
The Murch asked me to keep tabs on you.
Ah, so I'm, like, the troublemaker now.
I think you've always been the troublemaker.
And you're The Murch's guard dog.
So what, we're just gonna pretend to hate each other for the next three months? Uh, I don't like being predictable, and you know, it seems like you could stand to, you know I don't.
Stand to what? Loosen up.
Every time I see you in a crowded place I mean, we're at a party and you're all alone.
Well, every time I see you, you're scheming to sneak behind my back.
Maybe it makes me a little wary.
Well, if we worked together, maybe We'll see.
Have you evaluated it? Oh, yeah.
It's better than sex.
How would you know? Zing! It jokes?! Seriously, though, this thing is like Oculus Rift for your dick.
- (mechanical buzzing) -Total.
Sensory.
Overload.
(squishing) Interesting.
It has a self-lubricating mechanism? Ooh, must have missed a spot.
(chuckles): Dude, your face! Priceless.
(laughter) He hot, he fly, he stoned, he's hot Yeah, he got it goin' on, hey, got me checking my phone Disobedience is often a sign of greatness.
When I was your age, I dodged the draft and ran sound for The Grateful Dead.
That's how I hooked up with Owsley and built our first LSD lab.
Wow, the team and I just want to say that we appreciate Spare me the fuckin' rub 'n tug, okay, pal? Point is, hype is cheap.
Delivering is what's important.
If we had dropped some weak shit back in '67, San Francisco never would've experienced the Summer of Love.
Owsley and I gave the world White Lightning, Jefferson Airplane, public orgies.
Your little stunt got everybody's attention, Barrett, but now, you better deliver.
He hot, he fly, he stoned, he's hot Yeah, he got it goin' on, hey, got me checking my phone Every other minute, got me checking my phone He hot, he fly, he stoned, he's hot Yeah, he got it goin' on, hey, got me checking my phone Every other minute, got me checking my phone Watch all episodes of Alpha House, - starring John Goodman.
- Oh, that'd be great.
Exclusively on Amazon Prime Instant Video.
Amazing.