Better Late Than Never (2016) s01e02 Episode Script
Kyoto and Hong Kong: Less Talky, More Sake
1 MALE NARRATOR: Asia, land of exotic beauty, untold wonders, and home to civilizations that have existed for thousands of years - Uh, no, no, no, no, no - Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[BONE POPPING.]
BOTH: Ah! NARRATOR: Until now.
[STEPPENWOLF'S "BORN TO BE WILD".]
Four living legends embark on a journey across Asia.
Hey! NARRATOR: For the time of their lives.
- Ah! - Wahoo! NARRATOR: Starring TV superstar Henry Winkler Born to be wild NARRATOR: Cultural icon William Shatner, NFL hall of famer Terry Bradshaw, former heavyweight champion George Foreman, and introducing Jeff Dye as Jeffrey! Tonight Born to be wild NARRATOR: Kyoto Take the eyeballs, and put in your mouth.
- [GROANS.]
NARRATOR: And Hong Kong We're gonna see Hong Kong - Whoa! - In style.
- Amazing.
- Ah! NARRATOR: It's an adventure for all ages.
This is like camp.
- [SHOUTS.]
BOTH: Oh! - [TATTOO NEEDLE BUZZING.]
- Ah! - George.
- [CROWD SHOUTING.]
Oh! [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
We're on our way to Kyoto, and we are taking the bullet train.
[GUNSHOT.]
Train? Bullet train? Yeah.
That way? Thank you.
Okay.
What's, uh, Henry doing? I don't know.
[GHOSTLAND OBSERVATORY'S "GIVE ME THE BEAT".]
That's all I need Kyoto, the seat of culture in Japan.
This is where I'm gonna find my zen.
- What does that mean, exactly? - Well, enlightenment.
You know, the find the the oneness of life, the oneness of everything around you.
- Welcome to Kyoto, boys! - [LAUGHS.]
Gross.
Good luck with that.
[EXOTIC MUSIC.]
Kyoto's supposed to be all about peace and balance and serenity, and so we're here at a geisha house, and there's beautiful geisha women, geisha food, a ton of sake.
It's gonna be awesome.
[GONG SOUNDS.]
[AIR SWISHING.]
[SOFT MUSIC.]
Aren't we supposed to go in here? - No.
- Oh, yeah.
Do we and then we do we pull it up? - Oh, boy.
- Okay, hold it.
- Is it this one? - [SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE.]
Yeah, let's try here.
Yeah, okay.
Nailed it.
Door number two.
Here we go.
Wow.
- Wow.
- [GRUNTS.]
My kimono's making me cramp.
[SOFT EXOTIC MUSIC.]
- [THUDS.]
- Oh! - Oh.
- Oh, man - Golly.
- I want you to focus on no pain.
Meditate on no pain.
I'm I'm bleeding.
No you're not.
- [THUDS.]
- [GRUNTS.]
I see a shadow.
The girls are coming.
- A door opens.
- Hello there.
- Thank you.
- Ohayo.
Geisha girls have gotten a little rougher looking over the years, haven't they? [LAUGHTER.]
Whoa, George.
This is a very, uh, traditional What is that? Consommé soup.
Oh, wow.
Oh, wow.
There's a head in mine.
I took the top off of my bowl Oh, my And I found myself locked into a staring contest [CHUCKLES.]
With my appetizer.
Take the eyeballs and put in your mouth.
- Here - Oh, my There is not enough sake in the world.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Terry, try try that.
You'll love it.
[GROANS.]
Sorry, I'm American.
It's okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
The head is the best part of the fish.
At home, that's all I eat is the head.
- Stop it, George.
- What the God, I can't believe people eat this stuff.
Honest to God.
I'll take the eyes.
That's it.
Oh, here.
You can have my eyes.
Oh, my God.
- [SLURPING.]
- Oh, George.
He loves it.
[BOTH GROAN.]
Oh, God.
- Another eye.
- Oh, George.
It's delicious.
I'm telling you.
From your little places at home, your narrow horizons are being broadened in every way.
Why you gotta talk above us? We can't understand your stuff.
- I was just you don - I don't understand you talk The reason you don't understand is you don't give me a chance to talk.
Well, I'm in an impossible situation here.
I am never gonna find my zen in this company.
These were the bad guys on the movie "Little Mermaid.
" [LAUGHTER.]
It's like dealing with children.
I haven't seen a geisha gal yet, we've been here two hours eating.
Terry, your geisha's showing.
That's why the geisha girls haven't come in here.
[LAUGHTER.]
Uhoh, here they come.
- Ask and you shall receive.
- Oh, look how beautiful she is.
- Wow.
- You notice the way they move? Moving effortlessly along? Underneath they wear roller skates.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my.
I just wanted to start of by saying that everyone's married here but me.
- [LAUGHING.]
- But I've been having I've been having troubles.
Would you like a piece of fish? I wish they told me I could not eat as well.
[LAUGHTER.]
Geishas are taught to be the ultimate in women.
They prepare your food and they sing.
Everybody indulges, laughs, eats, and drinks.
- Thank you.
- Wow.
[GEISHAS GIGGLE.]
Thank you.
- Pour pour some for me? - Yes, yes.
Excuse me.
I figured it out, America.
The job of the geisha girl is to get us loaded.
- Kanpai.
- Down the hatch.
- Whoa, pretty good.
- Terry, look at this.
Uh-oh.
[LAUGHS.]
[THE CHAMPS' "TEQUILA SONG".]
We are going to play a drinking game, and when you lose, you have to drink.
- I love games.
- Do I get to play? [LAUGHS.]
Go Winkler! Yeah! Oh, oh! - Ha! - Ya! [LAUGHTER.]
Oh, geez.
Ooh, ah, ah, ah! - Hiya! - Oh! Cheating bugger.
- Question.
- Mm-hmm.
She's got makeup on - Terry, less talkie, more sake.
- Ah.
[SINGING FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
[ALL SINGING NATIVE LANGUAGE.]
Ah! [LAUGHTER.]
Watch and learn, boys.
- [THUMPS.]
- Ah! [LAUGHTER.]
- [SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE.]
- It's gonna hurt.
[LAUGHS.]
[PLAYFUL MUSIC.]
I still haven't eaten.
I've had no food.
The sake just ooh, it smacked me pretty good.
Everybody ladies.
- Oh - [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
[BOTH SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE.]
Raise - raise your - [CLOTH RIPPING.]
[LADIES SCREAM.]
[LAUGHTER.]
- What? - Oh.
I can't believe I did that.
They just renovated this hotel of ours - for $10 million.
- Oh, no.
I'd like to apologize to the good people of Kyoto - for my friends.
- Well, that's not funny.
Oh, my golly.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
When the priest comes in front of you, please bow your head.
- Ow.
- Ow.
- [GRUNTS.]
- [GONG SOUNDS.]
There goes the ancestors back to heaven and hell.
Oh, it sets it on fire! CROWD: Oh! - You okay? - Huh? [SOFT WOODWIND MUSIC.]
All right, boys, your sleeping quarters.
Not bad, huh? Authentic food, authentic sleep.
- What are you - This is like camp.
- I had so much sake.
- I am not I'm gonna sleep I'm going.
Bye.
Hey, wh don't get my bed all dirty.
Stop, Henry.
Stop.
I had more sake than I have ever had combined in my entire life.
I just wanna lie here and be quiet and fall asleep.
[SIGHS.]
Good night, Henry boy.
- Good night, Georgie.
- [SNORING.]
- ALL: George.
- George is asleep.
He's already asleep.
I am not gonna sleep tonight.
I can tell you that.
You know what? This is comfortable.
- Yes, you will, Bill.
- The bed is comfortable.
I'm in great discomfort next to two male guys.
One big guy here and one little guy.
I mean, come on.
Excuse me? - What I can - Excuse me? - What? - That hurts my feelings.
- Little guy? - Inside, I am gigantic.
Well, outside, you're a little guy.
- I'm 5'6 1/2".
- Can you two shut up? I mean, what is Shatner? What is he? Like, 90 what? 96, 98? You would think he'd already taken his pills and got his bottle of milk out and gone to sleep, but he's just rattling [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Rattling on.
And then how much did you shrink Honest to God, can you just shut up? That's the first time I've been able to talk all evening, by the way.
Remember your heroes, Bill? Remember when you got work with Moses? [QUIET LAUGHTER.]
Bill, seriously Yes? - What was Moses like? - [LAUGHS.]
Terry and Jeff amuse each other.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
They're both a little idiotic.
He was tall? Moses? He was tall, and he sang "Amazing Grace.
" [LAUGHTER.]
[DRAMATIC TONES.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Bill's looking for his zen.
Whatever I don't know what that is But I just wanna have fun here, so I'm taking the guys to a samurai warrior school.
[TOMOYASU HOTEI'S "BATTLE WITHOUT HONOR OR HUMANITY".]
- [WHIP CRACKS.]
- [COW MOOS.]
[BLADE SINGS.]
[TIGER GROWLS.]
- [THUD.]
- [BEAR GROWLS.]
[ROOSTER CROWS.]
Do we follow him? They are going to turn the five of us into ultimate warriors.
- Hiya! - Even though one of us is 84, and, you know, could pass away any minute, so that was some concern.
Welcome, I teach you how to use a sword and how to use a shuriken.
- Very oh, the star, yes.
- ALL: Ah.
- Star.
- I've seen that in movies.
- Like this? - Uh-huh.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Oh.
[STAR THUDS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[TAPE SCREECHES.]
[CAMERA BEEPS.]
You could have murdered one of our cameramen.
BOTH: Yes.
Okay, I wanna try this.
You don't wanna be funny here.
- What? - No, no, that wasn't funny.
Trust me.
I'm I'm concentrating.
Ah - Yeah.
- Well, no clapping.
Thank you very much.
- What a supportive bunch.
- [SOFT APPLAUSE.]
I'd like to see quarterback do this.
- Oh, I'ma do it.
- Quarterback, yes.
- T-Bone.
- I'ma do it.
Here's big Terry.
Four Super Bowl rings.
I don't like to brag about my accomplishments, but what the heck.
This is gonna be great.
Get the laces on your fingers.
- Put it behind your ear.
- Careful now.
[AIR SWISHES.]
[THROWING STAR CLATTERS.]
- [WHISTLES.]
- George, you're up.
How come no, I've what? - I've gotta make it stick.
- Oh, all right.
What kind of wuss am I? I'm a I'm a hall of fame quarterback, America.
When I throw something, I throw it with by God, I it it's got oomph behind it.
[AIR SWISHES.]
[THROWING STAR THUDS.]
- Oh, geez.
- How come it won't stick? - [AIR SWISHES.]
- [THUD.]
Are you kidding me? Ah! [LAUGHS.]
The other guys are having problems.
Not to worry, I'll go.
Oh, boy.
I'm nervous.
[AIR SWISHES.]
[THUDS AND VIBRATES.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[SCOFFS.]
Of all people, it had to be William Shatner.
I threw it three times.
It never stuck Some of us have a telent, some of us don't.
You believe that? That's just wrong.
That's bad zen.
What's next? These guys are already tired.
[TRIANGLE CHIMES.]
I'm not.
I wanna kill something.
- You ready? - Yep.
Let's go.
[HARRY BELEFONTE'S "JUMP IN THE LINE (SHAKE SENORA)".]
Ah! Shh.
- Shh.
- [GROWLS SOFTLY.]
Shake, shake, shake senora Shake your body line - Shake, shake, shake - BOTH: Hiya! Shake it all the time We're in the midst of the Japanese culture, and nobody's taking it seriously.
- Senora dances calypso - [GRUNTS.]
Left to right is the tempo - And when she gets - Look, yes.
- Ooh, ah.
- She go up in the air Come down in slow motion Whoopah.
- Ya! - I'm a ninja.
Somebody help me BOTH: One, two, three.
Oh, my God.
What am I gonna do? How am I gonna get the zen feeling? I, on the other hand, feel completely zen-y.
- Zen-y? - I am the only nin-Jew in Japan.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh.
- [GRUNTS.]
Holy moly.
And the best view of Hong Kong Yuck.
I'm holding a cobra.
I'm holding a cobra.
- It's a king cobra.
- I'm holding I'm giving a cobra back.
Can you [SOFT MUSIC.]
I'm traveling through this city, this beautiful city.
This is ancient.
It should be respected, and I'm traveling with four buffoons.
You know what I like about these kimonos, you don't gotta wear no underwear or nothing.
- Just commando.
- I'm wearing underwear.
You're talking about commando.
I love commando.
- Yeah.
- Hey, it's cool.
Henry - beep.
- [LAUGHS.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
So we're going to a zen monk.
This is head monk, Reverence Kawakami, and he will give you the za-zen meditation session today.
Meditation carries with it the ability to cure so much [SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- [BELL RINGS.]
- First bell to check your posture.
And heal the body.
Posture, Terry, please.
- [BELL DINGS.]
- Second bell to check your mind.
The mind heal the mind.
- [BELL DINGS.]
- Third bell to check your breathing.
Be a part of the universe.
There's a whole technique, and we're gonna be part of it.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
What an experience it's gonna be.
After fourth bell, do not move and concentrate on your breathing.
[BELL DINGS.]
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
I'm a old-fashioned, God-fearing, praying human being.
I am not a zen chaser, zen master.
I don't need to find my zen.
I would want his his holin wh what do I call him? Shut your mouth.
Ho, oh, oh, oh, oh! He will walk around with this Keisaku stick while you are meditating.
Why would why does a monk need a stick? To check.
To check what? We start.
When the priest comes in front of you and he bows, - please bow back - [STOMACH GRUMBLING.]
And do not raise your head until he says so.
- [FARTS.]
- [BOTH STIFLE LAUGHS.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- Oh.
- [GROANS.]
Oh, my God.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
Hello! Hello.
Wha! The hitting is part of the ceremony.
It's not to hurt you.
It's to focus.
Can I see the the monk superior, please.
Yeah, okay, bow, bow.
I know, I know.
Take the pain, take the sting Repent you Heathen Yes, indeed.
And work with the sting and focus on meditating.
- did it hurt? - Yeah.
Whew.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
[BOTH STIFLE LAUGH.]
[PHONE VOLUME DECREASES.]
Ah, gee.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I didn't it was on vibrate.
- [STIFLES LAUGH.]
- [GRUNTS.]
[QUIETLY.]
Help me.
[GRUNTS.]
[LAUGHING.]
This phone bad.
[WHISPERING.]
Oh, okay.
He's gonna throw it out the window.
- [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Hello, hello.
Jeff? Thank you.
Does this guy know anything about my past? It's your fault, Jeff.
Jeff.
Ouch.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, okay.
Bow, I know, I know.
Oh, all the way down? How about if I make a hefty donation? Oh! I don't mean to laugh.
Could I just support the temple? [PLAYFUL MUSIC.]
- [SOFT MUSIC.]
- [INSECTS CHIRPING.]
[PLAYFUL MUSIC.]
[WHISPERING.]
Thank you.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, my God.
It wa I just it was painfully funny.
ALL: Ow.
- [SOFT MUSIC.]
- [INSECTS CHIRPING.]
Oh, of course, Bill is perfect.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, just a minute here.
Everybody just got pounded except for one guy.
[GONG SOUNDS.]
Whose idea to come here? Shatner's.
Who didn't get hit? Shatner.
- That's karma.
- [BELL DINGS.]
Ooh, is that lunch? [EXHALES.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Do we know what to do? - Yeah.
We're gonna write down a wish Where do we get our pens to write wishes? Right here.
Right here.
So we're at the lantern festival - [ONEREPUBLIC'S "I LIVED".]
- The only way you can know You give it all you have Some Japanese believe the ancestors will grant the wishes they write on these paper lanterns.
What did you ask for? Can I ask? I asked for good luck for my grandchildren.
- What did you ask for? - I asked for nirvana.
Nirvana? What'd that, like, a rock group? - [LAUGHS.]
- It's like heaven, baby.
It's so interesting about Bill because he's always seeking absolute wisdom, watching and listening, trying so hard to find peace, but with Bill, everything he's looking for is already inside of him.
If only he'd just let it out.
- And we put 'em in the water? - Yeah.
There goes the answer I did it all Into the heavens.
I owned every second that this world could.
Wow.
Mine just soared ahead.
Look at that.
I caught a current.
Iay-ay I did it all Oh, it's catching on fire! [MUSIC STOPS.]
Oh, my God! What happens when it catches on fire? - [LAUGHS.]
- Whose is that? That's yours.
[FIRE CRACKLING.]
[LAUGHS.]
He write "nirvana" on his lantern, and it bursts into flame [LAUGHS.]
It says "Irvana.
" - Now that's funny.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Now if that isn't just about the coolest thing I've ever seen.
[LAUGHS.]
Is that, like, a karma thing? Think about it, America.
BOTH: Look at it It's burning up.
His zen doesn't even like him.
[SONG RESUMES.]
Kyoto is one of my favorite cities maybe on the planet.
Everybody we met My name is Henry.
Was warm, inclusive, - fun-loving - Oh.
With a great sense of humor And I realized, no matter how different we are, we all want the same thing.
Zen.
At some people's expense.
Whose? Oh, come on.
Ugh.
- Next stop - [CELL PHONE BEEPS.]
[ENGINE TURNS OVER.]
ALL: Hong Kong.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER INTERCOM.]
[BELL DINGS.]
[JET ENGINE RUMBLING.]
- [SNORING.]
- [TIRES SQUEAL.]
Good new, guys.
We're here.
[DRAMATIC TONES.]
Do you know, Jeffrey, that you never carried my bag once on this trip? Well, I can't carry 'em all, Henry.
You lazy loaf.
I love Jeff, but I'm good for one mistake.
This is a real authentic hotel.
- [THUDS.]
- Oh! Second mistake, I get impatient.
Boys, your sleeping quarters.
I am not gonna sleep tonight.
I wanna do this right.
I'm taking over.
- [IGGY AZALEA'S "FANCY".]
- I'm so fancy You already know I'm in the fast lane From LA to Tokyo I'm so fancy Can't you taste this gold? Remember my name 'Bout to blow Who dat? Who dat? - I-G-G-Y - We're gonna see Hong Kong in style, guys.
Feels so good getting what I want Look at this beautiful vehicle.
You didn't say anything about a helicopter.
I don't like helicopters.
I don't make any bones about it.
I mean, I once got too close to those helicopter blades.
How do you think this happened? But, wait a minute.
There's too much luggage.
Jeff, you take the luggage.
You go with the luggage.
We'll meet you at the hotel.
- Phone call - [MUSIC STOPS.]
[WIND BLOWING.]
We'll meet you there, man.
Wave, Jeff.
Bye.
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
When I saw the look in Jeff's eyes, that disappointment about not being able to get on that helicopter, I thought You know what? Jeff is gonna go.
- Yeah.
- We're gonna We're gonna take care of the luggage.
- There you go.
- Whoo! You already know - But, guys.
- I can be the bigger man.
- Bye.
- You guys are the best.
Jeff, you get on that death trap.
I'm so fancy Oh, oh, oh All right.
There's no way you could pay me to get on that thing.
Ready for takeoff.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Ah, gee.
This is style man.
Wow.
Look at this.
Hong Kong.
500 Feet up.
- Whoa.
- Boy.
I just wanna say, I am never gonna yell at Jeff again.
[PLAYFUL MUSIC.]
Feel like I been lifting weights.
Hello, everybody.
- Nice to see you.
- Glad to be on the bus.
This is a way to see the city.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Riding on the bus, all the traffic, all the noise from the city.
The people yelling and screaming, the motorcycles revving up.
Not as loud as Terry Bradshaw.
[HELICOPTER ENGINE WHIRS.]
Whoa.
- Is that turbulence? - Whoa, whoa.
[BLEEP.]
I can get through this.
I know I can get through this.
[VICTORIOUS MUSIC.]
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
Boys, welcome to the InterContinental in Hong Kong.
- Gentlemen - All right, gentlemen.
The presidential suite.
- Right this way.
- Oh.
Uh, the president sleeps here? Oh.
- [CHORTLES.]
- Holy crap.
- Wow.
- Are you kidding me? This is stunning.
Wow.
Nowhere in the world is there a view like this.
[CASH REGISTER DINGS.]
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
This is connections.
Who do you know, God? - [MOTOR WHIRS.]
- Oh, my God.
Hey, fellas.
Ha! Check this out.
[FANCIFUL MUSIC.]
Now we're talking.
This is more than just a toilet.
- Oh, my gosh, look at that.
- I'm telling you, it's totally automatic.
[SCREAMS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh, gee.
Amused by a toilet.
[SCREAMS AND LAUGHS.]
I think this is the first time Terry has seen indoor plumbing.
- [ENGINE RUMBLES.]
- Bye-bye, everyone.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
All right.
- Bye.
- Bye, good seeing you.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Yes, this is Jeff Dye and William Shatner up in the presidential suite.
I'd like a pair of size 13 Oxfords.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- Holy moly.
- Hey, look who made it.
- It's about time.
This.
Is.
Amazing.
And the best view of Hong Kong.
- Oh, boy.
- Yuck.
[NEVADA WILD'S "FIRE IN THE WOODS".]
Whoo! Hello, Hong Kong! Ah! - Wow.
- That's a tsunami.
I wanted to see Hong Kong not hung dong.
Ha! [SIGHS.]
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
Only Terry.
Only Terry.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Whoa! Give it to him! - Wait a minute - Boys' night.
- [LAUGHS.]
- That's not quite the class I had in mind.
- Whoa! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! No, get that thing away from me.
We're feeling the spirit, man.
- That good beat.
- Hi-ya! wha-wha! [HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
In Hong Kong, we're gonna travel in style.
I may never be back to Hong Kong, and I want to leave this city knowing we did it right this time, so I rented a Bentley.
That's still five Bentley's short of a rap video.
[ENGINE REVS.]
So what do we do next? We're gonna go on a boat.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
Hong Kong are comprised of 250 islands.
- Look at this thing.
- Come on in here.
No other way to see 'em than on a fancy, fabulous yacht.
[LONELY ISLAND'S "I'M ON A BOAT".]
I'm on William Shatner's boat! - I'm on a boat - Yeah I'm on a boat Everybody look at me 'Cause I'm sailin' on a boat - I'm on a boat - I'm on a boat.
- Sha-sha-sha - Take a good hard look At the mother[BLEEP.]
boat Shasha-sha Shawty BOTH: We're on William Shatner's boat! Yeah, yeah, yeah It's not my boat.
This is how I wanna live the rest of my life.
- Holy cow! - I don't need We got a little bitty yacht, boys.
- [BOAT HORN HONKS.]
- Oh, give it to him.
- Call 'em over, Jeff.
- Let him have it! [BOAT HORN HONKS.]
[LAUGHS.]
- I don't know, man.
- Boys' night.
That's not quite the class I had in mind.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Nobody up-shows our boat.
I plan this whole thing, try and make them sophisticated, and everybody's acting stupid.
So, George, that huge success you had with the George Foreman grill, how'd that happen? Well, it started off as a joke.
Reporters wouldn't stop talking about my weight.
Next thing you know, I was approached with a friend.
We started this joint venture, where I'd get the lion's share of a grill.
- Chicken? - Yeah.
- Potato wedges? - Uh-huh.
- Steak? - Sure.
- Vegetables? - You bet.
What am I doing when I go like this? Where were you on the night of the 24th at 7:00 a.
m.
? What am I doing? - Uh, the 24th - It's the George Foreman grill.
Cue the crickets.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
- Oh, you're grilling me.
- I didn't get it.
Really everybody? The George Foreman grill.
Well, now that you said it, Bill, I got it.
Oh, my God.
What an audience.
I did not get it.
He sold that, but it just wasn't funny.
That's the problem, yeah.
Talk about commitment.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- Yeah.
That's a long way to go for a pun.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- Nobody gets it? - I guess so.
See, that's why you can't tell a joke in this company.
You know, I get the feeling that we hurt Bill's feelings.
Hey, guys, should we fish? Do I wanna fish? - No! - Yep, we hurt Bill's feelings, but, man, that was a stinker.
- Let's go.
- Yeah.
I got a tough job making you guys think.
Okay, here's the bait.
[WHISTLES.]
Oh, I definitely got something.
Look.
What do you got? No, you got one! Jeffrey.
Look at Je BOTH: Whoa, whoa! - Oh, my God.
- All right, all right, - all right.
- Oh, nice.
- Whoa! - [CAMERA CLICKS.]
There he is.
Ooh, I got it.
Oh! Ah! Oh, oh, Jeff.
Swim, Jeff.
Get the rod.
[LAUGHING SOFTLY.]
[LAUGHS.]
Now that's funny.
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
Make sure the suit fits so you can move.
[GRUNTS.]
You're a strange tailor.
Bring me whatever the specialty is.
- It has to be good.
- Baby mouse.
- Oh! - Ooh! - Did you hear that? - Ugh.
This tastes like Terry's pair of socks.
[MIMICKING VOMITING.]
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
- Where we headed? - I have heard about and never had the opportunity to have a suit made in Hong Kong.
[CURTIS MAYFIELD'S "SUPERFLY".]
Henry wants to have a suit made, so, as if I haven't dazzled them enough, I've hired some of the best tailors in town to make us some of the finest suits in the world.
- Nice to see you.
- Pleasure.
- Mr.
Winkler? - Yes, Henry.
Henry.
- How are you.
- Good, Terry.
- Good to see you.
- How are you? Yeah, I want you to fix me up with the latest style.
- Once finished, you like.
- Do I get the other arm? Superfly Shorter.
19.
19? Is that good? Were you bigger before? - When I was on the juice I was.
- Ah, on the juice.
Not anymore though.
That's why I'm so skinny now.
Ah ha, ha - Raise the arms.
- Arms? You're a strange tailor.
Make sure the suit fits so you can move.
Trying to get over [GRUNTS.]
Ooh superfly - How much does this suit cost? - This cost $5000.
- American? - American.
Holy [BLEEP.]
.
- Is that it? - No, no, no.
[GRUNTS.]
Hey, hey.
If you're gonna measure me like that, you gotta buy me dinner first, maybe take me to a movie, okay? Ah, what're you doing? You know, I'm not fitting for a diaper.
- What's your name? - Phil.
BOTH: Phil.
- Hey, hey! No, you don't feel.
He "Feel.
" Ah, don How much is the suit now? I can't afford this.
Who's paid for it? All right, that changes some things.
Thank you, guys.
You're the best.
I love you.
Gonna make your fortune by and by - Footloose? - That's how I do a try on.
[COUNTRY ROCK MUSIC.]
The suits are finally made But you know what else is made? The bed in the presidential suite at the hotel.
George Foreman out.
[MIMICS SNORING.]
The four of us sitting here high above the city of Hong Kong is pretty amazing.
- Never get tired of this.
- No.
So defining moment.
Something that defined your life.
- Henry? - My life started when I was 27 years old.
I went to California.
I had $1,000 in my pocket.
Two weeks later, I tried out for a new show.
I got the show, and that journey changed the way that I lived on this earth.
What was the show? - "Happy Days.
" - Could you do the Fonz? - Give me a "whoa.
" - Whoa.
[LAUGHS.]
- Whoa.
- Ay.
- You know where "ay" came from? - No.
Yeah, "ay" came from reducing language to a sound.
Ay, she's beautiful.
Ay, don't mess with me.
Ay, I'm a little hungry.
Ay-ay [LAUGHING.]
I think you're funny.
- I love it.
- I do too.
- I love it.
- I love it.
What is your defining moment, William? I'm six years old, and I'm in doing a camp play, and this camp was kids who never got out much, didn't have much money, and I was one of them.
The camp play was about a kid being ripped out of his home, and when I looked up, people were weeping.
Wow, I did that, and that was a defining moment.
From that moment on, I never wanted to do anything else.
[UPLIFTING MUSIC.]
I'm honored to be here.
I love you guys.
- Here's to more defining moments.
- I'll puff on that.
Yeah.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Go ahead.
A little faster if you can.
- A little bit faster? - Little bit faster if you can.
There you go.
After four weeks on the road, we're all hurting, we're stiff, and we're tired, so I'm gonna look for some Chinese medicine.
This is the place, guys.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Hello, hello.
We have seats.
- Hi.
- Gentlemen, what are your ills? This is the food that takes care of it.
[DRAMATIC TONES.]
This does not look like a pharmacy to me.
Well, you are what you eat.
We're gonna cure your knee with the herbs here.
Bub, I'd just as soon keep my knee hurting.
Chinese medicine is 5,000 years old.
Millions of people have eaten it.
I'm not eating this stuff.
Bring me whatever the specialty is.
- There you go.
- Okay.
I mean, this is ancient.
It has to be good.
- Mouse.
- What is that? - Baby mouse.
- Snake.
BOTH: Baby mouse? - Oh, my Oh, [BLEEP.]
.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- [GAGGING AND COUGHING.]
- There's a mouse in there? - Mm-hmm.
- That's really hard to look at.
Looks like something from a science fiction movie.
Terry, look at him.
[GAGGING AND COUGHING.]
Um, excuse me.
- Oh.
- I can't look at oh, stop it.
Come look at it.
This is not food.
Oh, my [GRUNTS.]
I'ma eat that? Get, uh get out of here.
- What do you got there? - Chinese medicine.
- For what? - Uh - Stomach? - It's cow penis.
Oh, cow penis.
- Ah, oh.
- For men.
- For men.
- Yeah.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
- Ah, we heard about that.
- Good for you.
- It's good for me.
- Good for you.
[LAUGHS.]
Before they painted that pill blue, it was in a bottle here.
I don't even know what that means.
- You don't need to know yet.
- Okay.
- You mean Viagra came out of - I didn't say that word.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
I didn't say that word.
I just said the blue color.
You take Viagra? I didn't say that I [CHORTLING.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[BELL RINGS.]
[BELL RINGS.]
[BELL RINGING.]
All right, George.
See ya, George.
All right, George.
And then my junior George.
- [LAUGHS.]
- George, see you later.
There's nothing wrong with cow penis.
[LAUGHING.]
Did you just say that? [LAUGHING.]
Here's looking at you, babe.
- [COUGHS.]
- Oh, Bill, stop.
- [SLURPING.]
- [GROANS.]
- What does it taste like? - Cow penis.
[GROANS.]
[GAGS.]
Oh, my God.
Pass the baby mouse around.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't do baby mouse.
I can't do cow penis.
It I-I just can't do this.
Oh, my oh, my God! - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! - Whoa! - Oh, God, what happened? - Oh.
- [LAUGHS.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- Oh, my God! - Whoa! - Oh, my God.
- Oh, oh.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, I'm really sorry.
No problem.
No problem.
- Oh, my God.
- No problem.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, no, no, no, get that no, get that thing away from me.
I hate 'em.
- No problem.
- You can't do that.
- Your image is shattered.
- You know what? I'll live with my image.
That was a cobra.
Where'd that lady go? Four Super Bowls, and he's afraid of a snake.
Running like a chicken.
Henry! - Let's get out of there.
- Terry, come on back now.
- Where'd she do with it? - They're in the cage.
- She brought a co - King cobra.
- He bite you? - Yeah.
Ugh.
Gotta be kidding me.
Explain this to me, America.
We're in one of the richest cities in Asia, and this is where we go to eat.
But those sna oh, God dog it, Jeff! [BLEEP.]
.
Shatner! Thank you.
Let's go.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
This is real Hong Kong here.
They got everything, man.
It goes for blocks and blocks and blocks.
- Booths, stores.
- Look at the crowd.
What's with all these people? Yeah, look at this.
This day, it was not exactly my cup of tea.
- Hey, what is this? - Then all of a sudden, there's karaoke in the middle of the street.
Now, this is something I can get into in Hong Kong.
- Whoa.
- Terry, don't grab that.
- [HIGH-PITCH TONES FROM STEREO.]
- Wait a minute.
You got a song? Hit it, boys! - Well, now - Yes! - Hey! - Do you remember When you were nine years old? Just a little silly baby Yep lord knows [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
All right! All right! Shout - All right! - Now wait a minute Okay, wait a minute, you think that was spontaneous? That wasn't.
That was no accident.
I planned it the whole time.
- Shout - [CHEERS.]
Let 'em shout I got all these people - by one tweet.
- [BIRD WHISTLES.]
- No.
- Yes, in one tweet.
I cannot imagine you saying anything in 140 characters.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- A little bit louder now A little bit louder now - A little bit louder now - Go, go, go, go! - A little bit louder now - Yeah, yeah ALL: Hey-ay-ay-ay - Feel it, feel it now - Give it to me! - Hey-ay-ay-ay ALL: Hey-ay-ay-ay - Whoo! - Hey-ay-ay-ay - ALL: Hey-ay-ay-ay Shout now, now Oh, ho! I just needed to have some fun.
You know? I just needed fun.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[LAUGHS.]
[SOFT MUSIC.]
And for Bill to have done that just for me.
Yeah, that touched me.
Yeah, that was, uh that was pretty sweet of him.
Deep down [LOW-PITCHED VOICE.]
Deep down.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Shatner's really a cool guy.
- One! - ALL: Shout! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Hong Kong was a great city.
- [CAR ENGINE REVS.]
We were in the presidential suite Ah! Hello, Hong Kong! We were on a yacht, and we had a beautiful suit made [GRUNTS.]
Hey! But after everything is said and done - Oh, no! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Being with your friends, - you can't put a price on that.
- Yes, you can.
[MUSIC STOPS.]
$102,000.
Okay? $3,000 for your suit.
Good Lord.
That's an awful lot of money.
I don't know why you had to bring that up again.
[DRAMATIC TONES.]
[BONE POPPING.]
BOTH: Ah! NARRATOR: Until now.
[STEPPENWOLF'S "BORN TO BE WILD".]
Four living legends embark on a journey across Asia.
Hey! NARRATOR: For the time of their lives.
- Ah! - Wahoo! NARRATOR: Starring TV superstar Henry Winkler Born to be wild NARRATOR: Cultural icon William Shatner, NFL hall of famer Terry Bradshaw, former heavyweight champion George Foreman, and introducing Jeff Dye as Jeffrey! Tonight Born to be wild NARRATOR: Kyoto Take the eyeballs, and put in your mouth.
- [GROANS.]
NARRATOR: And Hong Kong We're gonna see Hong Kong - Whoa! - In style.
- Amazing.
- Ah! NARRATOR: It's an adventure for all ages.
This is like camp.
- [SHOUTS.]
BOTH: Oh! - [TATTOO NEEDLE BUZZING.]
- Ah! - George.
- [CROWD SHOUTING.]
Oh! [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
We're on our way to Kyoto, and we are taking the bullet train.
[GUNSHOT.]
Train? Bullet train? Yeah.
That way? Thank you.
Okay.
What's, uh, Henry doing? I don't know.
[GHOSTLAND OBSERVATORY'S "GIVE ME THE BEAT".]
That's all I need Kyoto, the seat of culture in Japan.
This is where I'm gonna find my zen.
- What does that mean, exactly? - Well, enlightenment.
You know, the find the the oneness of life, the oneness of everything around you.
- Welcome to Kyoto, boys! - [LAUGHS.]
Gross.
Good luck with that.
[EXOTIC MUSIC.]
Kyoto's supposed to be all about peace and balance and serenity, and so we're here at a geisha house, and there's beautiful geisha women, geisha food, a ton of sake.
It's gonna be awesome.
[GONG SOUNDS.]
[AIR SWISHING.]
[SOFT MUSIC.]
Aren't we supposed to go in here? - No.
- Oh, yeah.
Do we and then we do we pull it up? - Oh, boy.
- Okay, hold it.
- Is it this one? - [SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE.]
Yeah, let's try here.
Yeah, okay.
Nailed it.
Door number two.
Here we go.
Wow.
- Wow.
- [GRUNTS.]
My kimono's making me cramp.
[SOFT EXOTIC MUSIC.]
- [THUDS.]
- Oh! - Oh.
- Oh, man - Golly.
- I want you to focus on no pain.
Meditate on no pain.
I'm I'm bleeding.
No you're not.
- [THUDS.]
- [GRUNTS.]
I see a shadow.
The girls are coming.
- A door opens.
- Hello there.
- Thank you.
- Ohayo.
Geisha girls have gotten a little rougher looking over the years, haven't they? [LAUGHTER.]
Whoa, George.
This is a very, uh, traditional What is that? Consommé soup.
Oh, wow.
Oh, wow.
There's a head in mine.
I took the top off of my bowl Oh, my And I found myself locked into a staring contest [CHUCKLES.]
With my appetizer.
Take the eyeballs and put in your mouth.
- Here - Oh, my There is not enough sake in the world.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Terry, try try that.
You'll love it.
[GROANS.]
Sorry, I'm American.
It's okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
The head is the best part of the fish.
At home, that's all I eat is the head.
- Stop it, George.
- What the God, I can't believe people eat this stuff.
Honest to God.
I'll take the eyes.
That's it.
Oh, here.
You can have my eyes.
Oh, my God.
- [SLURPING.]
- Oh, George.
He loves it.
[BOTH GROAN.]
Oh, God.
- Another eye.
- Oh, George.
It's delicious.
I'm telling you.
From your little places at home, your narrow horizons are being broadened in every way.
Why you gotta talk above us? We can't understand your stuff.
- I was just you don - I don't understand you talk The reason you don't understand is you don't give me a chance to talk.
Well, I'm in an impossible situation here.
I am never gonna find my zen in this company.
These were the bad guys on the movie "Little Mermaid.
" [LAUGHTER.]
It's like dealing with children.
I haven't seen a geisha gal yet, we've been here two hours eating.
Terry, your geisha's showing.
That's why the geisha girls haven't come in here.
[LAUGHTER.]
Uhoh, here they come.
- Ask and you shall receive.
- Oh, look how beautiful she is.
- Wow.
- You notice the way they move? Moving effortlessly along? Underneath they wear roller skates.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my.
I just wanted to start of by saying that everyone's married here but me.
- [LAUGHING.]
- But I've been having I've been having troubles.
Would you like a piece of fish? I wish they told me I could not eat as well.
[LAUGHTER.]
Geishas are taught to be the ultimate in women.
They prepare your food and they sing.
Everybody indulges, laughs, eats, and drinks.
- Thank you.
- Wow.
[GEISHAS GIGGLE.]
Thank you.
- Pour pour some for me? - Yes, yes.
Excuse me.
I figured it out, America.
The job of the geisha girl is to get us loaded.
- Kanpai.
- Down the hatch.
- Whoa, pretty good.
- Terry, look at this.
Uh-oh.
[LAUGHS.]
[THE CHAMPS' "TEQUILA SONG".]
We are going to play a drinking game, and when you lose, you have to drink.
- I love games.
- Do I get to play? [LAUGHS.]
Go Winkler! Yeah! Oh, oh! - Ha! - Ya! [LAUGHTER.]
Oh, geez.
Ooh, ah, ah, ah! - Hiya! - Oh! Cheating bugger.
- Question.
- Mm-hmm.
She's got makeup on - Terry, less talkie, more sake.
- Ah.
[SINGING FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
[ALL SINGING NATIVE LANGUAGE.]
Ah! [LAUGHTER.]
Watch and learn, boys.
- [THUMPS.]
- Ah! [LAUGHTER.]
- [SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE.]
- It's gonna hurt.
[LAUGHS.]
[PLAYFUL MUSIC.]
I still haven't eaten.
I've had no food.
The sake just ooh, it smacked me pretty good.
Everybody ladies.
- Oh - [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
[BOTH SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE.]
Raise - raise your - [CLOTH RIPPING.]
[LADIES SCREAM.]
[LAUGHTER.]
- What? - Oh.
I can't believe I did that.
They just renovated this hotel of ours - for $10 million.
- Oh, no.
I'd like to apologize to the good people of Kyoto - for my friends.
- Well, that's not funny.
Oh, my golly.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
When the priest comes in front of you, please bow your head.
- Ow.
- Ow.
- [GRUNTS.]
- [GONG SOUNDS.]
There goes the ancestors back to heaven and hell.
Oh, it sets it on fire! CROWD: Oh! - You okay? - Huh? [SOFT WOODWIND MUSIC.]
All right, boys, your sleeping quarters.
Not bad, huh? Authentic food, authentic sleep.
- What are you - This is like camp.
- I had so much sake.
- I am not I'm gonna sleep I'm going.
Bye.
Hey, wh don't get my bed all dirty.
Stop, Henry.
Stop.
I had more sake than I have ever had combined in my entire life.
I just wanna lie here and be quiet and fall asleep.
[SIGHS.]
Good night, Henry boy.
- Good night, Georgie.
- [SNORING.]
- ALL: George.
- George is asleep.
He's already asleep.
I am not gonna sleep tonight.
I can tell you that.
You know what? This is comfortable.
- Yes, you will, Bill.
- The bed is comfortable.
I'm in great discomfort next to two male guys.
One big guy here and one little guy.
I mean, come on.
Excuse me? - What I can - Excuse me? - What? - That hurts my feelings.
- Little guy? - Inside, I am gigantic.
Well, outside, you're a little guy.
- I'm 5'6 1/2".
- Can you two shut up? I mean, what is Shatner? What is he? Like, 90 what? 96, 98? You would think he'd already taken his pills and got his bottle of milk out and gone to sleep, but he's just rattling [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Rattling on.
And then how much did you shrink Honest to God, can you just shut up? That's the first time I've been able to talk all evening, by the way.
Remember your heroes, Bill? Remember when you got work with Moses? [QUIET LAUGHTER.]
Bill, seriously Yes? - What was Moses like? - [LAUGHS.]
Terry and Jeff amuse each other.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
They're both a little idiotic.
He was tall? Moses? He was tall, and he sang "Amazing Grace.
" [LAUGHTER.]
[DRAMATIC TONES.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Bill's looking for his zen.
Whatever I don't know what that is But I just wanna have fun here, so I'm taking the guys to a samurai warrior school.
[TOMOYASU HOTEI'S "BATTLE WITHOUT HONOR OR HUMANITY".]
- [WHIP CRACKS.]
- [COW MOOS.]
[BLADE SINGS.]
[TIGER GROWLS.]
- [THUD.]
- [BEAR GROWLS.]
[ROOSTER CROWS.]
Do we follow him? They are going to turn the five of us into ultimate warriors.
- Hiya! - Even though one of us is 84, and, you know, could pass away any minute, so that was some concern.
Welcome, I teach you how to use a sword and how to use a shuriken.
- Very oh, the star, yes.
- ALL: Ah.
- Star.
- I've seen that in movies.
- Like this? - Uh-huh.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Oh.
[STAR THUDS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[TAPE SCREECHES.]
[CAMERA BEEPS.]
You could have murdered one of our cameramen.
BOTH: Yes.
Okay, I wanna try this.
You don't wanna be funny here.
- What? - No, no, that wasn't funny.
Trust me.
I'm I'm concentrating.
Ah - Yeah.
- Well, no clapping.
Thank you very much.
- What a supportive bunch.
- [SOFT APPLAUSE.]
I'd like to see quarterback do this.
- Oh, I'ma do it.
- Quarterback, yes.
- T-Bone.
- I'ma do it.
Here's big Terry.
Four Super Bowl rings.
I don't like to brag about my accomplishments, but what the heck.
This is gonna be great.
Get the laces on your fingers.
- Put it behind your ear.
- Careful now.
[AIR SWISHES.]
[THROWING STAR CLATTERS.]
- [WHISTLES.]
- George, you're up.
How come no, I've what? - I've gotta make it stick.
- Oh, all right.
What kind of wuss am I? I'm a I'm a hall of fame quarterback, America.
When I throw something, I throw it with by God, I it it's got oomph behind it.
[AIR SWISHES.]
[THROWING STAR THUDS.]
- Oh, geez.
- How come it won't stick? - [AIR SWISHES.]
- [THUD.]
Are you kidding me? Ah! [LAUGHS.]
The other guys are having problems.
Not to worry, I'll go.
Oh, boy.
I'm nervous.
[AIR SWISHES.]
[THUDS AND VIBRATES.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[SCOFFS.]
Of all people, it had to be William Shatner.
I threw it three times.
It never stuck Some of us have a telent, some of us don't.
You believe that? That's just wrong.
That's bad zen.
What's next? These guys are already tired.
[TRIANGLE CHIMES.]
I'm not.
I wanna kill something.
- You ready? - Yep.
Let's go.
[HARRY BELEFONTE'S "JUMP IN THE LINE (SHAKE SENORA)".]
Ah! Shh.
- Shh.
- [GROWLS SOFTLY.]
Shake, shake, shake senora Shake your body line - Shake, shake, shake - BOTH: Hiya! Shake it all the time We're in the midst of the Japanese culture, and nobody's taking it seriously.
- Senora dances calypso - [GRUNTS.]
Left to right is the tempo - And when she gets - Look, yes.
- Ooh, ah.
- She go up in the air Come down in slow motion Whoopah.
- Ya! - I'm a ninja.
Somebody help me BOTH: One, two, three.
Oh, my God.
What am I gonna do? How am I gonna get the zen feeling? I, on the other hand, feel completely zen-y.
- Zen-y? - I am the only nin-Jew in Japan.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh.
- [GRUNTS.]
Holy moly.
And the best view of Hong Kong Yuck.
I'm holding a cobra.
I'm holding a cobra.
- It's a king cobra.
- I'm holding I'm giving a cobra back.
Can you [SOFT MUSIC.]
I'm traveling through this city, this beautiful city.
This is ancient.
It should be respected, and I'm traveling with four buffoons.
You know what I like about these kimonos, you don't gotta wear no underwear or nothing.
- Just commando.
- I'm wearing underwear.
You're talking about commando.
I love commando.
- Yeah.
- Hey, it's cool.
Henry - beep.
- [LAUGHS.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
So we're going to a zen monk.
This is head monk, Reverence Kawakami, and he will give you the za-zen meditation session today.
Meditation carries with it the ability to cure so much [SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- [BELL RINGS.]
- First bell to check your posture.
And heal the body.
Posture, Terry, please.
- [BELL DINGS.]
- Second bell to check your mind.
The mind heal the mind.
- [BELL DINGS.]
- Third bell to check your breathing.
Be a part of the universe.
There's a whole technique, and we're gonna be part of it.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
What an experience it's gonna be.
After fourth bell, do not move and concentrate on your breathing.
[BELL DINGS.]
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
I'm a old-fashioned, God-fearing, praying human being.
I am not a zen chaser, zen master.
I don't need to find my zen.
I would want his his holin wh what do I call him? Shut your mouth.
Ho, oh, oh, oh, oh! He will walk around with this Keisaku stick while you are meditating.
Why would why does a monk need a stick? To check.
To check what? We start.
When the priest comes in front of you and he bows, - please bow back - [STOMACH GRUMBLING.]
And do not raise your head until he says so.
- [FARTS.]
- [BOTH STIFLE LAUGHS.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- Oh.
- [GROANS.]
Oh, my God.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
Hello! Hello.
Wha! The hitting is part of the ceremony.
It's not to hurt you.
It's to focus.
Can I see the the monk superior, please.
Yeah, okay, bow, bow.
I know, I know.
Take the pain, take the sting Repent you Heathen Yes, indeed.
And work with the sting and focus on meditating.
- did it hurt? - Yeah.
Whew.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
[BOTH STIFLE LAUGH.]
[PHONE VOLUME DECREASES.]
Ah, gee.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I didn't it was on vibrate.
- [STIFLES LAUGH.]
- [GRUNTS.]
[QUIETLY.]
Help me.
[GRUNTS.]
[LAUGHING.]
This phone bad.
[WHISPERING.]
Oh, okay.
He's gonna throw it out the window.
- [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Hello, hello.
Jeff? Thank you.
Does this guy know anything about my past? It's your fault, Jeff.
Jeff.
Ouch.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, okay.
Bow, I know, I know.
Oh, all the way down? How about if I make a hefty donation? Oh! I don't mean to laugh.
Could I just support the temple? [PLAYFUL MUSIC.]
- [SOFT MUSIC.]
- [INSECTS CHIRPING.]
[PLAYFUL MUSIC.]
[WHISPERING.]
Thank you.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, my God.
It wa I just it was painfully funny.
ALL: Ow.
- [SOFT MUSIC.]
- [INSECTS CHIRPING.]
Oh, of course, Bill is perfect.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, just a minute here.
Everybody just got pounded except for one guy.
[GONG SOUNDS.]
Whose idea to come here? Shatner's.
Who didn't get hit? Shatner.
- That's karma.
- [BELL DINGS.]
Ooh, is that lunch? [EXHALES.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Do we know what to do? - Yeah.
We're gonna write down a wish Where do we get our pens to write wishes? Right here.
Right here.
So we're at the lantern festival - [ONEREPUBLIC'S "I LIVED".]
- The only way you can know You give it all you have Some Japanese believe the ancestors will grant the wishes they write on these paper lanterns.
What did you ask for? Can I ask? I asked for good luck for my grandchildren.
- What did you ask for? - I asked for nirvana.
Nirvana? What'd that, like, a rock group? - [LAUGHS.]
- It's like heaven, baby.
It's so interesting about Bill because he's always seeking absolute wisdom, watching and listening, trying so hard to find peace, but with Bill, everything he's looking for is already inside of him.
If only he'd just let it out.
- And we put 'em in the water? - Yeah.
There goes the answer I did it all Into the heavens.
I owned every second that this world could.
Wow.
Mine just soared ahead.
Look at that.
I caught a current.
Iay-ay I did it all Oh, it's catching on fire! [MUSIC STOPS.]
Oh, my God! What happens when it catches on fire? - [LAUGHS.]
- Whose is that? That's yours.
[FIRE CRACKLING.]
[LAUGHS.]
He write "nirvana" on his lantern, and it bursts into flame [LAUGHS.]
It says "Irvana.
" - Now that's funny.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Now if that isn't just about the coolest thing I've ever seen.
[LAUGHS.]
Is that, like, a karma thing? Think about it, America.
BOTH: Look at it It's burning up.
His zen doesn't even like him.
[SONG RESUMES.]
Kyoto is one of my favorite cities maybe on the planet.
Everybody we met My name is Henry.
Was warm, inclusive, - fun-loving - Oh.
With a great sense of humor And I realized, no matter how different we are, we all want the same thing.
Zen.
At some people's expense.
Whose? Oh, come on.
Ugh.
- Next stop - [CELL PHONE BEEPS.]
[ENGINE TURNS OVER.]
ALL: Hong Kong.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER INTERCOM.]
[BELL DINGS.]
[JET ENGINE RUMBLING.]
- [SNORING.]
- [TIRES SQUEAL.]
Good new, guys.
We're here.
[DRAMATIC TONES.]
Do you know, Jeffrey, that you never carried my bag once on this trip? Well, I can't carry 'em all, Henry.
You lazy loaf.
I love Jeff, but I'm good for one mistake.
This is a real authentic hotel.
- [THUDS.]
- Oh! Second mistake, I get impatient.
Boys, your sleeping quarters.
I am not gonna sleep tonight.
I wanna do this right.
I'm taking over.
- [IGGY AZALEA'S "FANCY".]
- I'm so fancy You already know I'm in the fast lane From LA to Tokyo I'm so fancy Can't you taste this gold? Remember my name 'Bout to blow Who dat? Who dat? - I-G-G-Y - We're gonna see Hong Kong in style, guys.
Feels so good getting what I want Look at this beautiful vehicle.
You didn't say anything about a helicopter.
I don't like helicopters.
I don't make any bones about it.
I mean, I once got too close to those helicopter blades.
How do you think this happened? But, wait a minute.
There's too much luggage.
Jeff, you take the luggage.
You go with the luggage.
We'll meet you at the hotel.
- Phone call - [MUSIC STOPS.]
[WIND BLOWING.]
We'll meet you there, man.
Wave, Jeff.
Bye.
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
When I saw the look in Jeff's eyes, that disappointment about not being able to get on that helicopter, I thought You know what? Jeff is gonna go.
- Yeah.
- We're gonna We're gonna take care of the luggage.
- There you go.
- Whoo! You already know - But, guys.
- I can be the bigger man.
- Bye.
- You guys are the best.
Jeff, you get on that death trap.
I'm so fancy Oh, oh, oh All right.
There's no way you could pay me to get on that thing.
Ready for takeoff.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Ah, gee.
This is style man.
Wow.
Look at this.
Hong Kong.
500 Feet up.
- Whoa.
- Boy.
I just wanna say, I am never gonna yell at Jeff again.
[PLAYFUL MUSIC.]
Feel like I been lifting weights.
Hello, everybody.
- Nice to see you.
- Glad to be on the bus.
This is a way to see the city.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Riding on the bus, all the traffic, all the noise from the city.
The people yelling and screaming, the motorcycles revving up.
Not as loud as Terry Bradshaw.
[HELICOPTER ENGINE WHIRS.]
Whoa.
- Is that turbulence? - Whoa, whoa.
[BLEEP.]
I can get through this.
I know I can get through this.
[VICTORIOUS MUSIC.]
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
Boys, welcome to the InterContinental in Hong Kong.
- Gentlemen - All right, gentlemen.
The presidential suite.
- Right this way.
- Oh.
Uh, the president sleeps here? Oh.
- [CHORTLES.]
- Holy crap.
- Wow.
- Are you kidding me? This is stunning.
Wow.
Nowhere in the world is there a view like this.
[CASH REGISTER DINGS.]
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
This is connections.
Who do you know, God? - [MOTOR WHIRS.]
- Oh, my God.
Hey, fellas.
Ha! Check this out.
[FANCIFUL MUSIC.]
Now we're talking.
This is more than just a toilet.
- Oh, my gosh, look at that.
- I'm telling you, it's totally automatic.
[SCREAMS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh, gee.
Amused by a toilet.
[SCREAMS AND LAUGHS.]
I think this is the first time Terry has seen indoor plumbing.
- [ENGINE RUMBLES.]
- Bye-bye, everyone.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
All right.
- Bye.
- Bye, good seeing you.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Yes, this is Jeff Dye and William Shatner up in the presidential suite.
I'd like a pair of size 13 Oxfords.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- Holy moly.
- Hey, look who made it.
- It's about time.
This.
Is.
Amazing.
And the best view of Hong Kong.
- Oh, boy.
- Yuck.
[NEVADA WILD'S "FIRE IN THE WOODS".]
Whoo! Hello, Hong Kong! Ah! - Wow.
- That's a tsunami.
I wanted to see Hong Kong not hung dong.
Ha! [SIGHS.]
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
Only Terry.
Only Terry.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Whoa! Give it to him! - Wait a minute - Boys' night.
- [LAUGHS.]
- That's not quite the class I had in mind.
- Whoa! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! No, get that thing away from me.
We're feeling the spirit, man.
- That good beat.
- Hi-ya! wha-wha! [HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
In Hong Kong, we're gonna travel in style.
I may never be back to Hong Kong, and I want to leave this city knowing we did it right this time, so I rented a Bentley.
That's still five Bentley's short of a rap video.
[ENGINE REVS.]
So what do we do next? We're gonna go on a boat.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
Hong Kong are comprised of 250 islands.
- Look at this thing.
- Come on in here.
No other way to see 'em than on a fancy, fabulous yacht.
[LONELY ISLAND'S "I'M ON A BOAT".]
I'm on William Shatner's boat! - I'm on a boat - Yeah I'm on a boat Everybody look at me 'Cause I'm sailin' on a boat - I'm on a boat - I'm on a boat.
- Sha-sha-sha - Take a good hard look At the mother[BLEEP.]
boat Shasha-sha Shawty BOTH: We're on William Shatner's boat! Yeah, yeah, yeah It's not my boat.
This is how I wanna live the rest of my life.
- Holy cow! - I don't need We got a little bitty yacht, boys.
- [BOAT HORN HONKS.]
- Oh, give it to him.
- Call 'em over, Jeff.
- Let him have it! [BOAT HORN HONKS.]
[LAUGHS.]
- I don't know, man.
- Boys' night.
That's not quite the class I had in mind.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Nobody up-shows our boat.
I plan this whole thing, try and make them sophisticated, and everybody's acting stupid.
So, George, that huge success you had with the George Foreman grill, how'd that happen? Well, it started off as a joke.
Reporters wouldn't stop talking about my weight.
Next thing you know, I was approached with a friend.
We started this joint venture, where I'd get the lion's share of a grill.
- Chicken? - Yeah.
- Potato wedges? - Uh-huh.
- Steak? - Sure.
- Vegetables? - You bet.
What am I doing when I go like this? Where were you on the night of the 24th at 7:00 a.
m.
? What am I doing? - Uh, the 24th - It's the George Foreman grill.
Cue the crickets.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
- Oh, you're grilling me.
- I didn't get it.
Really everybody? The George Foreman grill.
Well, now that you said it, Bill, I got it.
Oh, my God.
What an audience.
I did not get it.
He sold that, but it just wasn't funny.
That's the problem, yeah.
Talk about commitment.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- Yeah.
That's a long way to go for a pun.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- Nobody gets it? - I guess so.
See, that's why you can't tell a joke in this company.
You know, I get the feeling that we hurt Bill's feelings.
Hey, guys, should we fish? Do I wanna fish? - No! - Yep, we hurt Bill's feelings, but, man, that was a stinker.
- Let's go.
- Yeah.
I got a tough job making you guys think.
Okay, here's the bait.
[WHISTLES.]
Oh, I definitely got something.
Look.
What do you got? No, you got one! Jeffrey.
Look at Je BOTH: Whoa, whoa! - Oh, my God.
- All right, all right, - all right.
- Oh, nice.
- Whoa! - [CAMERA CLICKS.]
There he is.
Ooh, I got it.
Oh! Ah! Oh, oh, Jeff.
Swim, Jeff.
Get the rod.
[LAUGHING SOFTLY.]
[LAUGHS.]
Now that's funny.
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
Make sure the suit fits so you can move.
[GRUNTS.]
You're a strange tailor.
Bring me whatever the specialty is.
- It has to be good.
- Baby mouse.
- Oh! - Ooh! - Did you hear that? - Ugh.
This tastes like Terry's pair of socks.
[MIMICKING VOMITING.]
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
- Where we headed? - I have heard about and never had the opportunity to have a suit made in Hong Kong.
[CURTIS MAYFIELD'S "SUPERFLY".]
Henry wants to have a suit made, so, as if I haven't dazzled them enough, I've hired some of the best tailors in town to make us some of the finest suits in the world.
- Nice to see you.
- Pleasure.
- Mr.
Winkler? - Yes, Henry.
Henry.
- How are you.
- Good, Terry.
- Good to see you.
- How are you? Yeah, I want you to fix me up with the latest style.
- Once finished, you like.
- Do I get the other arm? Superfly Shorter.
19.
19? Is that good? Were you bigger before? - When I was on the juice I was.
- Ah, on the juice.
Not anymore though.
That's why I'm so skinny now.
Ah ha, ha - Raise the arms.
- Arms? You're a strange tailor.
Make sure the suit fits so you can move.
Trying to get over [GRUNTS.]
Ooh superfly - How much does this suit cost? - This cost $5000.
- American? - American.
Holy [BLEEP.]
.
- Is that it? - No, no, no.
[GRUNTS.]
Hey, hey.
If you're gonna measure me like that, you gotta buy me dinner first, maybe take me to a movie, okay? Ah, what're you doing? You know, I'm not fitting for a diaper.
- What's your name? - Phil.
BOTH: Phil.
- Hey, hey! No, you don't feel.
He "Feel.
" Ah, don How much is the suit now? I can't afford this.
Who's paid for it? All right, that changes some things.
Thank you, guys.
You're the best.
I love you.
Gonna make your fortune by and by - Footloose? - That's how I do a try on.
[COUNTRY ROCK MUSIC.]
The suits are finally made But you know what else is made? The bed in the presidential suite at the hotel.
George Foreman out.
[MIMICS SNORING.]
The four of us sitting here high above the city of Hong Kong is pretty amazing.
- Never get tired of this.
- No.
So defining moment.
Something that defined your life.
- Henry? - My life started when I was 27 years old.
I went to California.
I had $1,000 in my pocket.
Two weeks later, I tried out for a new show.
I got the show, and that journey changed the way that I lived on this earth.
What was the show? - "Happy Days.
" - Could you do the Fonz? - Give me a "whoa.
" - Whoa.
[LAUGHS.]
- Whoa.
- Ay.
- You know where "ay" came from? - No.
Yeah, "ay" came from reducing language to a sound.
Ay, she's beautiful.
Ay, don't mess with me.
Ay, I'm a little hungry.
Ay-ay [LAUGHING.]
I think you're funny.
- I love it.
- I do too.
- I love it.
- I love it.
What is your defining moment, William? I'm six years old, and I'm in doing a camp play, and this camp was kids who never got out much, didn't have much money, and I was one of them.
The camp play was about a kid being ripped out of his home, and when I looked up, people were weeping.
Wow, I did that, and that was a defining moment.
From that moment on, I never wanted to do anything else.
[UPLIFTING MUSIC.]
I'm honored to be here.
I love you guys.
- Here's to more defining moments.
- I'll puff on that.
Yeah.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Go ahead.
A little faster if you can.
- A little bit faster? - Little bit faster if you can.
There you go.
After four weeks on the road, we're all hurting, we're stiff, and we're tired, so I'm gonna look for some Chinese medicine.
This is the place, guys.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Hello, hello.
We have seats.
- Hi.
- Gentlemen, what are your ills? This is the food that takes care of it.
[DRAMATIC TONES.]
This does not look like a pharmacy to me.
Well, you are what you eat.
We're gonna cure your knee with the herbs here.
Bub, I'd just as soon keep my knee hurting.
Chinese medicine is 5,000 years old.
Millions of people have eaten it.
I'm not eating this stuff.
Bring me whatever the specialty is.
- There you go.
- Okay.
I mean, this is ancient.
It has to be good.
- Mouse.
- What is that? - Baby mouse.
- Snake.
BOTH: Baby mouse? - Oh, my Oh, [BLEEP.]
.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- [GAGGING AND COUGHING.]
- There's a mouse in there? - Mm-hmm.
- That's really hard to look at.
Looks like something from a science fiction movie.
Terry, look at him.
[GAGGING AND COUGHING.]
Um, excuse me.
- Oh.
- I can't look at oh, stop it.
Come look at it.
This is not food.
Oh, my [GRUNTS.]
I'ma eat that? Get, uh get out of here.
- What do you got there? - Chinese medicine.
- For what? - Uh - Stomach? - It's cow penis.
Oh, cow penis.
- Ah, oh.
- For men.
- For men.
- Yeah.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
- Ah, we heard about that.
- Good for you.
- It's good for me.
- Good for you.
[LAUGHS.]
Before they painted that pill blue, it was in a bottle here.
I don't even know what that means.
- You don't need to know yet.
- Okay.
- You mean Viagra came out of - I didn't say that word.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
I didn't say that word.
I just said the blue color.
You take Viagra? I didn't say that I [CHORTLING.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[BELL RINGS.]
[BELL RINGS.]
[BELL RINGING.]
All right, George.
See ya, George.
All right, George.
And then my junior George.
- [LAUGHS.]
- George, see you later.
There's nothing wrong with cow penis.
[LAUGHING.]
Did you just say that? [LAUGHING.]
Here's looking at you, babe.
- [COUGHS.]
- Oh, Bill, stop.
- [SLURPING.]
- [GROANS.]
- What does it taste like? - Cow penis.
[GROANS.]
[GAGS.]
Oh, my God.
Pass the baby mouse around.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't do baby mouse.
I can't do cow penis.
It I-I just can't do this.
Oh, my oh, my God! - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! - Whoa! - Oh, God, what happened? - Oh.
- [LAUGHS.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- Oh, my God! - Whoa! - Oh, my God.
- Oh, oh.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, I'm really sorry.
No problem.
No problem.
- Oh, my God.
- No problem.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, no, no, no, get that no, get that thing away from me.
I hate 'em.
- No problem.
- You can't do that.
- Your image is shattered.
- You know what? I'll live with my image.
That was a cobra.
Where'd that lady go? Four Super Bowls, and he's afraid of a snake.
Running like a chicken.
Henry! - Let's get out of there.
- Terry, come on back now.
- Where'd she do with it? - They're in the cage.
- She brought a co - King cobra.
- He bite you? - Yeah.
Ugh.
Gotta be kidding me.
Explain this to me, America.
We're in one of the richest cities in Asia, and this is where we go to eat.
But those sna oh, God dog it, Jeff! [BLEEP.]
.
Shatner! Thank you.
Let's go.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
This is real Hong Kong here.
They got everything, man.
It goes for blocks and blocks and blocks.
- Booths, stores.
- Look at the crowd.
What's with all these people? Yeah, look at this.
This day, it was not exactly my cup of tea.
- Hey, what is this? - Then all of a sudden, there's karaoke in the middle of the street.
Now, this is something I can get into in Hong Kong.
- Whoa.
- Terry, don't grab that.
- [HIGH-PITCH TONES FROM STEREO.]
- Wait a minute.
You got a song? Hit it, boys! - Well, now - Yes! - Hey! - Do you remember When you were nine years old? Just a little silly baby Yep lord knows [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
All right! All right! Shout - All right! - Now wait a minute Okay, wait a minute, you think that was spontaneous? That wasn't.
That was no accident.
I planned it the whole time.
- Shout - [CHEERS.]
Let 'em shout I got all these people - by one tweet.
- [BIRD WHISTLES.]
- No.
- Yes, in one tweet.
I cannot imagine you saying anything in 140 characters.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- A little bit louder now A little bit louder now - A little bit louder now - Go, go, go, go! - A little bit louder now - Yeah, yeah ALL: Hey-ay-ay-ay - Feel it, feel it now - Give it to me! - Hey-ay-ay-ay ALL: Hey-ay-ay-ay - Whoo! - Hey-ay-ay-ay - ALL: Hey-ay-ay-ay Shout now, now Oh, ho! I just needed to have some fun.
You know? I just needed fun.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[LAUGHS.]
[SOFT MUSIC.]
And for Bill to have done that just for me.
Yeah, that touched me.
Yeah, that was, uh that was pretty sweet of him.
Deep down [LOW-PITCHED VOICE.]
Deep down.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Shatner's really a cool guy.
- One! - ALL: Shout! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Hong Kong was a great city.
- [CAR ENGINE REVS.]
We were in the presidential suite Ah! Hello, Hong Kong! We were on a yacht, and we had a beautiful suit made [GRUNTS.]
Hey! But after everything is said and done - Oh, no! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Being with your friends, - you can't put a price on that.
- Yes, you can.
[MUSIC STOPS.]
$102,000.
Okay? $3,000 for your suit.
Good Lord.
That's an awful lot of money.
I don't know why you had to bring that up again.
[DRAMATIC TONES.]