Better With You s01e02 Episode Script

- Hey, you've reached Mia - And Casey.
Sorry we're not around to get To the phone right now But leave a message, and we'll call you back.
Aw, it's our first answering machine message as a couple.
Too bad we only use cell phones.
So we can throw this out, right? Yeah.
Hello.
You've reached Maddie and Ben Mm.
Is "hello" too bland? 'Cause we need something that grabs 'em, so Greetings.
You've reached Maddie and Ben "Greetings"? We sound like space aliens.
Okay.
How how about this? They'll think it's the voice that came with the machine.
Ahem.
Hello.
You've reached Maddie and Ben.
You know, they can't see the dancing.
But they can feel it.
How do I know if it's recording? Did you press the button? I pressed all the buttons.
Okay.
Well, all right.
It's blinking.
Hello! Did you put a tape in? No.
You don't need a tape.
It's digital.
You don't even know what that means.
Oh, to hell with it.
If it's important, they'll call back.
Even at my best I'm better with you Who wants appetizers? Oh, thanks, Casey.
These look Like 10-ounce steaks.
At his last show, Casey's band got paid in meat.
Yeah.
We've been eating it all week.
There's still 35 pounds on ice in the bathtub.
Here.
Oh, I actually, uh eat it.
Put it your purse.
I don't care what you do with it, but I haven't showered in days.
Make sure you save room for dessert sausage wrapped in bacon It seems like Casey is literally bringing he the bacon.
Am I right? Should I say that? Hi.
Hi.
Hey.
Yum.
Hi, sweetie.
Mwah.
Mr.
Putney, how does it feel to be retired? It feels good.
When one decides to retire decide? Mia said you were forced to retire.
Well, thanks for the clarification, Casey.
To answer your question, Ben, I'm looking forward to taking some time and and just really getting to know myself.
It's been an adjustment.
Whatcha doin'? Whatcha doin'? I forgot to ask, whatcha doin'? It's like playing 20 questions, but there's only one question, and the game never ends.
Oh, do you remember our friends the gambles? Their son Allen isn't using his crib anymore.
They asked if you guys wanted it.
I don't know if that would fit in here.
That's a big crib.
Allen's a huge baby.
Yeah.
I have a theory that he ate his twin in the womb.
So he likes meat? I'm sure the crib will be fine once you move into your new place.
Oh, we're not moving.
What? Oh, honey, y have to.
There won't be enough room for you with three living here.
Yeah, but one of us is gonna be a baby, and they are notorious for being small.
But babies need a lot of stuff, you know a crib, high chair, stroller.
Changing table, stuffed animals, pack 'n play.
Not to mention all the presents.
Wow.
We're gonna need a new place.
I'm in.
This place is nice, but it's too regular for me.
I want a space that says something about us.
Someplace cool like, uh, a big loft or an old church.
Sounds pricey.
Good thing you're a guy who knows how to bring home the bacon.
Oh.
Hey, Vicky.
Whatcha do Oh, thank God.
Hi.
Who are you? I'm Donny.
I'm here to fix your water heater.
Oh, great.
Well, now it sounds like you two clearly have a lot in common.
Joel, why don't you show Donny where the water heater is? That's a good idea.
And stay there.
What about this one? Two bedrooms, two baths.
Well, I like it, but I think it's too normal for Casey.
He's just texted me a picture of an abandoned Chinese restaurant that he wants to buy and turn into an apartment.
Well, why? You'd just want another apartment in an hour.
You're welcome.
Oh, what am I gonna do? I don't wanna live in some weird place.
I want a place with crown moldings and two sinks and a fireplace, not a barge or half a bowling alley or a haunted boathouse.
Why don't you just tell him that? Because he fell in love with this crazy, cool, nontraditional girl, and I don't want to disappoint him.
Look, Casey's what, 25? Yeah.
Well, here's the thing.
Guys are idiots until they're at least 27.
That's just science.
They stay up all night playing video games, they eat chicken wings for breakfast, and they constantly quote "The Matrix.
" I mean, you know what Ben was like when he was 25.
Hey.
I've finally perfected my look.
I'm gonna go style it now.
But then right around 27, something changes.
Look at Ben now.
He's all grown up.
Now he's happy just sitting there, trying to win "the new yorker" cartoon caption contest.
Oh.
Oh! Oh, okay.
Okay.
What do you guys think of this one? Ahem.
It's a goldfish surrounded by a bunch of lawyers, and the goldfish says, "I like my chances better with the cat.
" Or I'll I'll keep working.
And the best part about guys being idiots is none of their plans ever work out.
Or they forget about 'em in a week.
My policy was always "don't shoot him down until you have to.
" Instead, just say, "that would be sooooo cool.
" The word "so" with five o's works every time.
That's brilliant.
Mm-hmm.
Supportive but noncommittal, and I get to stay the cool girlfriend.
All right.
Hey, guys.
Bad news.
The Chinese restaurant already sold To someone who wants to open a Chinese restaurant.
Should've seen that coming.
Oh, that's too bad, Casey.
Yeah, that would've been sooooo coooool.
No.
Just on the "so.
" It's an old firehouse.
It's available right now, and we can afford it! And to think, they were gonna knock this place down! Yay.
This place is Amazing! All I've wanted to do since I was a kid was live in a firehouse.
And Maddie does, too.
She always said it would be so cool.
I sooooo have said that.
Man, if I was 25, I would live in this place so hard! I mean, I'd pole! It's got a huge door.
Makes moving easier.
The roof has a very romantic view of new Jersey, and the bathroom is huge.
You wanted two sinks? How about 12 showers? I can't believe we lucked into this place! Casey, you gotta get up here.
We gotta try this! You said that he would never find a crazy place.
This sucks! I'm sorry.
This is really unprecedented.
I've never seen a guy in the idiot phase follow through.
Great.
Now I'm gonna have to tell him that I'm not as cool as he thinks I am.
Whee! Man, I haven't said "whee!" Since I was 9, and even then I was being ironic.
If you guys don't get this place, you have to let Maddie and I have it.
We would move in here in a second! You know, there is one way I wouldn't have to tell Casey anything if you and Ben moved in here.
No.
He loves it.
No.
This is for you guys.
No, I don't think it's gonna work out for us.
Mia, don't do this.
Seriously? Don't shoot Casey down until I have to, right? Awesome.
Just awesome.
How did you get up there? So your wife said that somehow a book got stuck down the garbage disposal? You see that kind of thing a lot? No, but people don't read as much as they used to.
I should know.
I was in publishing before I retired.
You're retired? Me, too.
Forced out or full package? Forced out.
Me, too.
All right.
There we go.
Well, disposals are pretty simple.
This should only take me a few minutes.
Really? Oh, well, um When you get done in there, um, I have some some other things I need you to fix.
What? I'm not sure yet.
Ohh.
Bad news, honey.
I don't think the firehouse is gonna work out for us.
But the good news is that Maddie and Ben get to have it.
What? Why won't it work out? Yeah, well, it turns out that we can't afford the renovations.
Look.
I have been running the numbers and See? But what do these numbers mean? They unfortunately mean that we can't get the firehouse.
But we can go see Maddie and Ben there all the time.
Better than nothin'.
Okay.
Let me ask you this.
How would you feel about living in a used circus tent? Let me run the numbers.
Casey.
Hey, Ben.
You got a minute? I'm the manager.
I can do whatever I want.
We can't get the firehouse.
Except let you live here.
No, I came to tell you that so you and Maddie can have it.
It's ours? Really? Yeah.
Are you psyched? I think so.
I don't know.
Uh I mean, uh, when it was just a dream I was, yeah, but now that it's real, am I the kind of guy that can, you know, pull that off? Am am I too old to live in a firehouse? Too old? What are you talking about? Well Well, see, you're young.
You don't get it.
Uh But here's the thing about getting older.
When when you're 25, life is great.
Everyone thinks you're awesome.
You're staying up all night.
You're eating mini pizzas.
You're impressing girls by quoting lines from "The Matrix.
" But then around 27, I don't know, you kinda take a turn, and you become, I guess, well, kind of lame.
So stop being a dork and didn't say "dork.
" Did not say "dork.
" This is your chance to start being cool again.
Don't let age decide what you're gonna do.
Dude, "take the red pill.
" What is that? It's from "The Matrix.
" Ohh.
See? Six years ago I would've known that.
How great would it be if we ended up with that firehouse? Sooooo great.
Well, we did! Mia ran the numbers, and it turns out, they can't afford to fix it up.
It's ours! You are a very lucky young lady.
You have the best big sister in the world.
Oh, God.
What did she do? She talked your mother and me into giving you the money for the renovations.
Oh, my God! That's awesome! I can't take this.
Maddie said you'd say that.
I just, uh, I need some time to think.
Maddie said not to give you more than a minute.
Wait a minute.
You're you're retired and money is tight.
You can't afford this.
That's what we thought, but Maddie used her lawyer magic Mm-hmm.
To find a little-known write-off that would save us a ton in taxes, not to mention the money we'd make when you sell.
Your sister said the profits would be of the buttload variety.
Well, Casey he won't do it.
Casey, tell him that you're too proud to take this.
Too proud? I just spent three hours going door-to-door trying to sell unwrapped meat to restaurants.
We'd love the money.
Thank you, guys, so much.
Ohh.
Mmm.
Oh! And I also have a list of restaurants we should never go to.
No, wait, but you said I could have it.
This was my chance to be cool again.
But Vicky and Joel gave us the money for the renovations, so now we get to have it back.
No.
No, no, no.
It doesn't work like that, okay.
This place was my dream.
It's my dream, too.
Well, it was my dream first.
I mean, I was dreaming about living in a firehouse while you were still in diapers.
I never wore diapers.
We lived outside.
I don't understand.
Yesterday you said you were too old to live here, and today you're even older than you were yesterday.
Don't use your crazy Casey logic on me, okay? I'm not budging.
This place is mine.
No, it's not.
This place is mine, and I'm not budging either.
Well, then we're gonna have to settle this the old-fashioned way, like men.
Guns? Guns? What? No.
No.
Something sporting.
Oh, wait.
I have an idea.
How about wrestling? High school division III rules.
Cards on the table.
I was a wrestler in high school.
You were a hug-fighter? What did you just say? Wrestling is the sport of kings.
I think that's hockey.
Oh, is that what you did in high school? Hockey? No.
I played music, had girlfriends, didn't hug other men on the floor until a gym teacher counted to three.
Oh, okay.
It's on.
Let's do this.
Let's not do that Or anything like it.
All right, listen.
We've gotta work together and stop fighting Or else one of us is gonna end up in that damn firehouse.
Not my problem.
Really? You are so not out of this.
Ben loves that place.
He's not gonna give it up without a fight.
Ohh.
You're probably right.
He's been texting me dalmatian names all day.
Well, Spottie Pippen isn't bad.
I kinda liked f.
Spot Fitzgerald.
Yeah.
We have to figure a way out of this.
I know.
Wait.
I got it.
What did mom and dad do when we used to fight over something? Barbie dream house.
Yeah, we tell them, "if you keep fighting over it, then nobody gets it.
" We walk away, and neither of us has to come clean.
Oh, that's perfect.
What is it with boys and fire stations? I think it's the pole.
Yeah, what is the obsession with that thing? Is it a stripper thing? Mm.
Is it a Batman thing? Did Batman have a pole? I think he had a Butler.
Oh, well, a Butler makes sense.
We have solved the problem of who gets to live in the firehouse.
So have we.
All four of us live there together.
That is nowhere near our solution.
It makes so much sense.
There are already two distinct living spaces.
And in the places where we want a little more privacy, we can put those Chinese screens.
Ohh.
Those are lovely.
Wow.
We are very in sync designwise.
I am really excited for chili Tuesdays.
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
Why? You love chili.
And Mia loves Tuesdays.
Ben, I don't want us to live here.
I'm so sorry.
I know I told you I thought it would be so cool a million times, but I don't really want to live in a firehouse.
I don't either.
I don't know what came over me.
I just didn't want Casey to think I was a dork, and then it just spiraled out of control.
Oh, thank God.
All right.
Can you take all the blame on this one? Oh, yes, of course.
No problem.
Damn it, Maddie! She just forbid me to buy this place.
Can you believe it? This is all my fault.
I-I did forbid him.
Yeah.
Bitches, man.
Well, then I guess the place is ours.
This is where we're going to raise our indoor baby.
I don't want to live here either.
I'm sorry I lied about liking this place, and I know you think that I'm some kind of, like, crazy, cool, nontraditional girl, but but I'm not.
I wanted to be.
I tried to be, but I-I'm not.
I know exactly who you are.
It's why I love you.
I love you, too.
I want to live someplace where I feel comfortable raising a family, and This is not it.
Yeah, it is.
What? Okay.
Just imagine We clean up and restore those back windows, repaint the doors.
We put in wood floors.
We tear down the broken stairs in the back and put in a spiral staircase in that corner.
Down here, some lamps, artwork, we put a couple of rugs, big cushy couch right here.
And a fireplace there.
You and I could sit and watch the fire with the baby on your lap.
And Maddie and Ben always come over, just 'cause they love to stare at the baby.
Maybe it's just me, but I think this place is perfect.
Wow.
I love it.
How could you see all that and I couldn't? I don't know.
Saw it all the first time I walked in here.
You do know me.
I want to live here with you.
Mm.
He did make this place sound pretty good.
Keep it in your pants, Putney.
That movie was mind-blowing.
What was it called again? "The Matrix.
" "Take the red pill.
" Oh, God.
What's happening? Uh, Donny introduced me to some of his other retired friends.
Hi! Whatcha doin'? What's going on? What are you doing? Okay.
Now this is too much.
You all you all have to get out of here.
I mean it.
Everybody out.
Here we go.
All right.
Almost there.
Thank you for coming.
Oh, my God! You walk slow.
Vicky.
Okay.
I know retirement is hard to deal with, but you have got to find another way to deal with it without collecting old men like stray dogs.
I don't know what to do with myself.
Well, I didn't know what to do with myself either.
Remember when I had to quit work to have the girls? And we got through that.
Hey If we could get through Maddie's stand-up comedy phase, we can get through anything.
Yeah.
Oh.
"The Matrix.
" What is that about? I have no idea.