Big Boys (2022) s01e02 Episode Script

My dad died
when he wasn't supposed to.
We were just at home watching Lulu
do the cha-cha-cha on Strictly.
Only a two from Craig!
Pass me that phone, I'm voting.
Us older birds stick together.
At the hospice, I suspect
the matron was also watching,
cos we only got the call
after the scores came in.
We later found out that
for those 3½ minutes,
including Lulu's rehearsal VT,
no-one knew my dad had passed.
It was empty time.
A bit like a meal in a Wetherspoons
that's ready for table 23,
but it's just waiting
PHONE RINGS
..under a heat lamp
PHONE RINGS
..becoming more tragic
by the second.
SHE SOBS
THEY LAUGH
SHE SOBS
SHE LAUGHS
DRILL WHIRRS
This was the start of my mum's
obsession with DIY.
HAMMER THUDS
Ta-dah!
Saw one of these in Matalan, and
the fuckers wanted 15.99 for it!
So, I made me own.
Oi, oi! Oh, nice sign!
Yeah, ain't it good
your mum lives so close?
SHE LAUGHS
You've got your whole life
ahead of you, to LIVE it,
to have a LAUGH
with some nice girls,
so that one day
you'll fall in LOVE.
And I got you some Tupperware,
so that you can keep your weed in.
I don't smoke! Well, should you
fancy a nice big fat blunt,
like your dad did on a Saturday,
then you've now got a concealed
receptacle. I'm not Dad!
It just might help you
find your crowd, my babes.
Now, Danny, shall we go and erect
that shelf in your room?
Whoa! Haha! Let's hope you're
not the last bird in there
with a big tool in her hands!
BOTH LAUGH
No offence, but you've gotta
be seriously lame
if your mum is trying
to make you a stoner.
Anyway, that should read
"Live, laugh, lovelube."
Two-for-one in Boots, so,
you know, sharing's caring.
Thanks. Actually, that's a point,
do you not use,
like, a thicker lube
for the old bumhole?
I don't know if we use thicker lube.
I'll do some research.
Don't worry, OK, we're gonna have
you sliding in and out of fit lads
like Cantona in the '96 cup final.
JACK CHUCKLES
Au revoir.
Yoo-hoo!
Hi, guys, I just wanna say to you
If you, if youif you're talking
then it means you're not listening.
MEGAPHONE WHINES
Erm
CUP CLATTERS
Thank you!
Erm, just to say,
welcome to this year's
keh-razy Brent Uni
JACK: Freshers fair. Where everyone
tried to figure out
what else to do for three years
aside from make
pesto pasta and masturbate.
In the corner there is you,
stealing all the free shit
you can get your hands on,
including the charity
bake sale cakes for Kony 2012.
Mostly it was just
second-year drug dealers
trying to source new clients.
Yes, Jack. Look at this.
I just did a chlamydia test in
exchange for a free USB stick,
this place is fucking brilliant.
Ooh, what have you got here?
Don't mind if I do.
Don't steal tampons!
Well, you never know
who might pop round!
We live in an age of period poverty!
Put 'em back. All right.
Just a second.
Here I am at the
Christian Society
SHE CHUCKLES
..if you can guess!
I know you lot think this is a
load of toss, but you know what?
These guys do a stunning
free roast every Sunday
in the halls', um, common room.
So, do sign up for
that lush lamb of God
from our, um, lord and saviour,
Jesus Christ.
MEGAPHONE WHINES
Right! Safe Space Society,
I see you over there!
Can't hide from me. Trigger warning!
DANNY GASPS
And then, there it was.
The society where a group
mainly existed
to arrange a minibus to a
naff gay night each week.
I'd initially wanted to ignore them,
cos they all wore t-shirts that
were either a bit too long
or a bit too short for my liking.
It's the LGBTYMCA society!
I'm joking, obviously!
I actually did my research
last night,
and I am gonna get you
some thicker lube.
Go over.
I dunno. Go on, sign up!
It feels very official.
What were you saying
a couple of days ago
about not wasting your life
being a little saddo?
Go on, get involved.
I knew this was my best shot
of finding my crowd.
Well, Gordy's isn't It's all
right, I'm not gonna lie.
Oh, hello!
How's your?
Erm
Areare you joining
the LGBT society?
LGBTQIA! You gotta say all of 'em,
they're there for a reason.
OK, so, tonight we're all
going clubbing in London.
You coming? Oh, uh
Actually, I haven't done
much 'out' gay stuff.
Are you on Grindr?
Downloaded it, but I actually
haven't used it.
Oh, come the fuck on,
pretty, it's easy.
Upload a pic, choose a tribe,
never give out your bank details.
What do you mean, "choose a tribe"?
OK. On the app there are different
tribes for different types.
You've got your bears,
big hairy blokes,
they all look like they
throw barbecues, a lot.
Then you have your twinks,
they tend to be quite dull.
Then your geeks.
Which is No offence.
None taken.
Trans, leather daddies, pretty
much what they say on the tin,
pos, otters, rugged
What does "pos" mean?
They're positive.
Oh, cool.
HIV positive.
Which is cool, because of an
advancement in medicine
and a reduction in public stigma.
Then you have discrete, which
is basically guys with wives.
Then we have
CONVERSATION FADES
Have you got any books
on, like, feminism?
Or just about
HE MUMBLES
Cool.
Wow. Thatis such
an important book.
Yeah, I guess so.
Yeah, I love femalewriters.
Oh, I love women's lit.
I was actually mainly
brought up by my nan,
so, yeah, don't even get me
started on the female struggle.
Yeah, they're actually giving out
free tampons over there, which is
Yeah. Yeah, I think it's terrible
that, you know what I mean,
you guys have to pay tax on 'em.
If was up, you know,
if you ask me, you know,
you should be able to menstruate
freely. And for free.
She didn't ask you, did she?
Oh, hello, Karen. It's Corinne.
See here? Corinne.
OK. Anyway, as I was just saying
toLiza Lisa.
CORINNE STIFLES LAUGH
Thank you for correcting me, Lisa.
Erm, yeah, I think
they've actually ran out
of the free tampons, but, erm
..you're welcome to dip in to
Santa's sack and help yourself
to some of mine, if you want.
Why do you have any,
if they ran out?
Well
..in case I have a female
visitor and Cool, right.
Well, in that case, surely you
should be buying them in.
I mean, especially if you think
that people who menstruate
should access them for free.
Yes, but just, well, just via me.
Look, my flat's having
a pre-lash later,
before everyone goes
Oceania in Watford.
Flat 77, any time before seven,
and maybe you can bring
everyone some tampons.
I'd like that.
I've love to, I will, I promise. OK.
See you later, Lisa.
Chlamydia info guide? You know that
there's a WhatsApp support group
for chlamydia sufferers on campus?
OK, thanks.
You're welcome. No need,
I was just having a test,
just being safe, having a laugh.
Ooh, touchy. Hope that
it's a negative outcome.
Ah, I wouldn't be so sure.
No, wait
Fucking idiot.
You are gonna be so proud of me.
I got us invited
to a halls pre-lash,
and a club night afterwards.
You up for that?
I got asked to an LGBTQ night.
Listen, nobody wants you to spread
your little gay wings more than me,
but this is freshers week,
all right?
We've been here five days
and we still haven't made any
mates in halls, please!
OK. Yes!
Although, Danny, what do
the Q, I and A stand for?
Right, Q is for "queer",
or "questioning."
I is for "intersex", and A is for
"asexual." OR "allies". AKAmoi!
BAG THUMPS
Oh, careful.
I'll basically watch
anything with Rylan in it,
so, I'm a flippin' ALLY lama.
Are you sure you don't want a hand?
No! Hands off! This is my stuff.
MOBILE BUZZES
LAUGHTER AND CHATTER
No.
You two are not registered in halls.
You are in shed.
Halls security.
An emotionally redundant man
whose main job was catching people
masturbating in the laundry room.
Oh, come on, let us through
..Ru.
Entry only for residents
and signed-in guests.
Oh, please!
The kids in here are my sheep,
and I'm the only thing stopping
wolves like you two getting to them.
Well, this is absolute
Bullshit!
Are you sure you're OK with me
going to the queer night?
Yeah! One of us
might as well have a laugh.
Oh, I just dunno how to dress.
Right, get your tightest
white t-shirt,
just like, cut some slashes in it.
That's what all the gay boys
in Margate do, trust me.
What will you do tonight?
Fuck all, obviously.
It's just so bleak.
This must be how Anne Frank felt,
you know? Just like, all cooped up.
Just waiting to be adopted.
She was hiding from the Nazis.
Nazis? What, in the dumping ground?
She was trapped in an attic, Danny.
I think you mixed up
The Diary of Anne Frank
with The Story of Tracy Beaker.
Yeah, I think I have.
Either way, neither of them were
going out on the razz, were they?
You all right, lads?
Oh!
SHE LAUGHS
Assuming it didn't go well
with Lisa.
Obviously not. Thanks for
checking in, though.
Well, serves you right for trying to
use feminism to pick up women.
Uh, I used to let my ex
sterilise her moon cup
in the same pan I did me
egg-and-soldiers in.
That's disgusting!
Well, that's feminism.
You shouldn't be telling me
what is and isn't feminism.
Will you take a day off? Seriously!
This isn't Oxford or Cambridge,
mate, all right? It's Brent.
That is very clear.
I was the only one out
of my friendship group
not to get in to Oxbridge.
I was the only one in mine once
not to get in to Berghain, so
What's that?
Berghain, it's a club in Berlin.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
You're the type of guy
that goes to one of the most
artistic cities on earth,
just to piss up the Berlin Wall
and go clubbing.
Yeah. Clubbing,
the art of having fun.
Do you know what fun is? Of
course I know what fucking fun is!
But I'm shockingly at uni to study,
so that I can one day
make something important.
Notdick around like
these bunch of eejits.
Why are you sat outside with me,
when you could be making your
something important in your room?
Well, why are you sat out here?
Because I couldn't get in there.
So, I'm gonna wait for everyone
to come out,
then I'm gonna tag along
to the club.
SHE CHUCKLES
You can't go to the club.
It's sold out.
Yeah, they've been selling tickets
in halls all week, so
Urgh! Fuck my life.
Have a good night, mate.
Look, do you guys maybe wanna
Come tonight? No!
No, they cannot. No way.
Wahey!
Eurgh, disgusting.
Yemi, quick question.
Dungarees and Birkenstocks.
Underdressed, or?
To be fair, that is quite
a queer look, but no
Right, guys! So, I'll be your
designated driver for tonight,
and don't worry,
I've only had four sambucas!
SHE LAUGHS
Yes, girls!
Kidding! No, I'm sorry, I'm kidding.
I'm on the San Pelles,
you're on the San Miguel,
let's get on down,
and get a bit gay, maybe!
SHE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
She is nasty as hell.
Why are you joining us, Danny?
Cos you didn't sign up for LGBT.
No, it's all because of you
that I didn't get into halls,
which means I didn't get a
ticket to the club night,
and I'm basically sat out
on my own
All right, I don't want your
X-Factor sob story, my dear!
Well, I'm OK.
OK. Good, yeah.
Can the Badminton Society,
can you get on last?
Cos you're my first drop-off. OK.
Oh, you all right, Debs?
What you doing here?
I'm bisexual. Fed up with shite
blokes like you letting us down.
Hi, Karen.
Oh, it's Corinne, Debs, Corinne.
Don't get your knickers in a twist,
love, I couldn't care either way.
HE LAUGHS
Fuck off!
JACK: It's scary going to
your first gay club,
cos the vast majority
are all called things
like Savage, or Envy, or Revenge.
And I'm just like, why not
be called Nice To Each Other?
Or Who Cares If
My Shirt's From River Island?
They Actually Do
Some Quite Good Stuff.
Go on.
Oh, here she is!
Hey, coming through!
HE CHUCKLES
Get inside.
Sorry, Yemi, what's this one's vibe?
OK, he's straight, but
OK, here's the singe, all right?
Gordy's is a celebratory venue
for all queer people,
all kinks, fetishes, sub-groups.
Gotcha.
Yeah, and we welcome allies,
but this is a creche.
Any funny business,
fucking around, laddy banter,
any pretending to be
Louis fucking Spence,
you'll be thrown in there until your
designated Dorothy takes you home.
Understood?
OK. Hearing you loud and queer.
Honestly, I didn't know it
was in there! Please, can you
Whoa! No, you're out, love.
No, this is from a charity bake sale
I just did!
You brought a knife to a club!
No! There's crumbs on the blade!
Shoo!
Get out, out! Get out!
SHE SCREAMS
JACK: Debs actually dropped out
of uni that week,
moved back to Newcastle,
and nowadays sends me
Farmville requests
on Facebook every fortnight.
DANCE MUSIC
CLUBBERS WHOOP AND CHEER
Despite being a bunch
of individual misfits,
we spent the whole night together.
And as Corinne got
progressively wankered,
you went down an absolute storm
on the dancefloor.
Hey! So, where are you from?
Eh, Margate. Sick!
And do you come to London much?
Eh, yeah, to visit my cousin, Mark.
Sick! Where does he live?
West London.
I just moved west! Where in west?
Eh, do you know Wormwood Scrubs?
Wow!
Erm, Wormwood Scrubs?
I've never heard of it.
It's not Rightmove, you've gotta
be asked to live there, actually.
Oh, God, sick!
I know, yeah.
Sorry, one sec, excuse me.
Is Wormwood Scrubs not a prison?
Yeah.
SHE LAUGHS
Sick hat, my friend!
DANCE MUSIC
Listen, listen, this bit of the club
is really just for me and Jack.
Why? I love this place!
This is the gay men's dark room,
yeah?
It's a drippy cave,
with a flicker of red light
where you can plainly see
outlines of men
having a right go on each other.
Do you know what? I think this
is where I actually draw the line.
You guys knock your socks
and pants off, all right?
I still wanna come.
Corinne, you won't be allowed in.
This is unfair discrimination!
What are you talking about?
Yemi, please!
No chance, love.
I wanna see some fucking cock!
JACK: Corinne was the first woman
to be thrown in the creche
since Makosi from Big Brother
did a personal appearance in 2006.
She's not coming out, all right?
Hey, there you are!
I googled Wormwood Scrubs,
and it's a penitentiary.
Lucky for you,
I'm attracted to danger
JACKL So, in solidarity,
you decided
Oggy, oggy, oggy!
MEN: Oi, oi, oi!
SECURITY GUARD: Right, that's it.
Get inside.
That was so good!
SHE LAUGHS
BOTH CHUCKLE
Can we go back to yours?
Yeah.
You call the cab, and I'll split it.
OK, yeah.
Wait, why do you wanna
come back to mine?
Yeah, yeah, OK.
No, that's what I thought.
JACK: No-one is ever quite prepared
to smell a room
that's a mix of damp moss,
Paco Rabanne,
and quite franklypoo.
Are you OK? I just felt
something wet hit my back.
MAN: Oh, sorry about that!
So, no-one touched you
without consent?
No, but I saw a man put his
whole arm inside a whole other man.
That's dark rooms for you.
Is it your first time?
Yeah. I'm just here with
I'm Evan, AKA the manageress.
Jack. You'll get used to it,
you know.
One day you might even want an arm
inside you.
I don't know if I want
an arm inside me.
Unless it's to facilitate
a vital colonoscopy.
Mm. Don't worry, he'll kick in,
in a bit. OK!
Look, if you're gonna do anything
in that region,
just need some good poppers.
Here you are, try.
It'll just give you a tiny little
headrush, that's all.
HE GROANS
Fuck!
This was it. This was me
finally living a little.
VOICES DISTORTED: Noooooo!
Nooooooo!
I was right there. Come on, mate!
Aaaargh!
Sorry! It's OK.
Must have been the beers.
Or is it the tablets on the table?
That's Mm. It's OK.
Oh, Danny, it's totally cool. I've
been here before, and this happens.
Come here.
Aaw, pal.
CLATTER
Fucking hell!
JACKL Yeah, my mum actually
was quite shit at DIY.
I hope little Jackie's
getting on OK.
God, yeah.
HE GROANS
Oh, what's going on?!
You fucking drank some poppers!
What?! You fuck
You drank poppers!
I could get into so much
shit for this.
Thank God that bottle were
virtually empty.
I can't taste my tongue.
Of course not, you have poppers
swimming inside of your stomach!
What's wrong with you?!
My nose is bleeding.
Well, I'm glad it is yours
for a change.
Right, I've got you an Uber home.
I am so sorry, ducky.
No! I can't get in an Uber,
my dad was a black cab driver!
Your dad was not black, you liar!
OK, I understand, black cab.
Get up, up, up!
JACK: After that first big Saturday
night began our favourite tradition,
pretending to be Christian
to get a free roast.
Oh, dear!
I just still can't believe you
saw such a tiny little bottle
and thought it was drinkable.
Are you sure you don't have
special powers now?
If I did, it would be
for you to shut up.
Oh! He's touchy on a hangover!
Just wait, soon you'll
have Jesus's meat juices
dribbling down your chin.
Guys, guys, wait up!
You know what I was thinking? I
actually quite like our little shed.
Same. You know, we're sort
of left to our own devices.
And if anyone tries
to nick my humus,
I'll always know it's you. Uh-huh.
Oh, my God, if it ain't you guys,
you're famous!
SHE LAUGHS
These are for you, OK?
There you go. Oh, I really
need this roast, lads.
I haven't had meat and two veg
in a very long time.
Yes!
No, no, no, not you two.
Soz, Ru, but we're now
children of Christ.
That's right, and you're gonna be
seeing us every Sunday
at one minute past midnight,
when our prayer passes become valid
and we are free to attend any
party in this humble inn of God.
CHURCH BELL RINGS
JACK: And it was in this moment
I realised I found my crowd,
and it was you, and Ru,
and some culinary-minded Christians.