Big Day s01e02 Episode Script

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT-MY CONTACT LENSES.
I DRANK YOUR CONTACTS? I AM LEGALLY BLIND WITHOUT GSS! UGH! YOU KNOW YOU CAN STILL BACK OUT OF IT, RIGHT? WHAT? IT'S JUST- IT'S SO GOOD TO HOW IS THIS WHIMSICAL? WELL, UH, TINY POMEGRANATES- THOSE ARE AWFULLY FUN.
YOU WILL NEVER SEE THIS AGAIN.
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE BACK FAR ENOUGH.
AAH! WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME? OH, GREAT NEWS.
YOU'LL BOTH BE RELIEVED TO KNOW THA THE MOJITO BAR CAN DO MANGO, AND OUR PHOTOGRAPHER WAS HIT BY A SMALL TRUCK, AND THE CHAIR COVERS ARE HERE.
YAY! WHA-HIT BY A TRUCK? UH YOU KNOW, I'M SURE, IN SOME CULTURE, THAT'S GOOD LUCK ON YOUR WEDDING DAY.
WELL, I HOPE HE'S OKAY.
HELLO HEY, DAD DAD? DAD, STOP DIALING.
I'M HERE.
I'M HERE- HE HUNG UP.
THE ONLY PROBLEM IS, HE DOESN'T KNOW IT YET.
I CAN'T WAIT FOR HIM TO GET HERE, YOU KNOW? 'CAUSE THEN IT'S REALLY GONNA START FEELING LIKE MY WEDDING DAY.
WE'RE ALL GONNA BE A FAMILY.
GO FOR GARF.
HEY, DAD.
DANNY! SUCH A COINCIDENCE.
I WAS JUST CALLING FOR YOU.
THAT AAYS SEEMS TO HAPPEN TO US, DAD.
I SHOULD BE THERE IN A FEW MINUTES, DEPENDING ON THE HEADWINDS.
- THE HEADWINDS? - YEAH, JUST BIKED IN FROM MAINE.
Great adventures, Danny.
I BROUGHT YOU AND ALICE A LEAF FROM EVERY STATE ALONG THE WAY.
WELL, THEY'RE ALL MAPLES, but, hey, don't want to use up all my stories, huh? GARF OUT.
HE'S GOT PRESENTS.
IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.
STEVE, I JUST HUNG UP YOUR TUXEDO IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM TO BE PRESSED.
SO THE PHOTOGRAPR DIED? NO, HE DID NOT DIE, ALTHOUGH HE GHT AS WELL HAVE FOR ALL THE HELP HE'S BEEN FINDING A REPLACEMENT.
IT'S JUST A BROKEN FEMUR, FOR TUNATELY, A FUZZY RECALL OF THE ACCIDENT- CERTAINLY NOTHING THAT WOULD HOLD UP IN COURT.
UPDATE.
THE RUPPART/CHENOWETH WEDDING HAS EVERY PHOTOGRAPHER IN THE COUNTY ON RETAINER, BUT I HAD A REALLY FUN IDEA.
WE RENT A PHOTO BOOTH.
EVERYONE CAN CRAM IN AND TAKE FUNNY PICTURES.
YOU KNOW? IT'S FUN! I'LL KEEP FOR LOOKING.
WELL, I CAN TAKE THE PICTURES.
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA, RIGHT? HE'S A FANTASTIC PHOTOGRAPHER.
HE WON AN AWARD IN SCHOOL, AND, ACTUALLY, HE COULDN' AFFORD A MODEL, SO HE USED ME.
WE MADE A REALLY GOOD TEAM.
I THINK THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
WELL, WE ARE DESPERATE.
THANK YOU, FREDDY.
SO, WE STILL PLAYING TOUCH FOOTBALL, OR WHAT? YEAH, DEFINITELY.
STEVE, ARE YOU IN? AND RISK GETTING INJURED ONY DAUGHTER'S WEDDING DAY? I DON'T THINK SO, DANNY.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE GONNA MISS A GREAT GAME.
SO I GUESS WE GET TO HAVE BREAKFAST TOGETHER AFTER ALL.
OH, THAT'S PROBABLY MY DAD.
OH, BOY.
"THE GARF" IS HERE.
DADDY, BE NICE, AND PUT AWAY YOUR AIR QUOTES.
YEAH, I MEAN, HONESTLY, STEVE.
OH, LIKE IT'S ALL ME.
YES.
WHEN YOU MET THE GARF, YOU WOULDN'T EVEN SHAKE HIS HAND.
HOW COULD I? THE MAN WAS ON STILTS.
ALL RIGHT.
JUST TRY TO BE PLEASANT.
I'M ALWAYS PLEASANT.
MAVSA TO YOU ALL OH-HO! MAVSA! MAVSA! MAVSA! THAT IS INUI FOR "CONGRATULATIONS.
" WELL, ACTUALLY, IT'SOT.
UH, WHAT IT REALLY MEANS IS, "SNOWDRIFT OVERHANG READY TO FALL.
" BUT I NEVER REALLY LEAED HOW TO SAY CONGRATULATIONS, SO I JUST SAY "MAVSA.
" LOOK, JANE, THE GARF RODE A BIKE TO HIS SON'S WEDDING.
- DAD.
.
- YEAH? - YOU'RE ALL SWEATY.
- YEAH.
, I REEK.
OH, OH! WHERE ARE MY MANNERS? HERE I AM, I'M HUGGING EVERYONE WITH A SWEATY, STINKY SHIRT.
I AM SO SORRY.
YOU MIND IF I DO SOME LAUNDRY? THE ONLY CLEAN THING I HE LEF IS MY WEDDING KILT.
KILT.
DID YOU HEAR THAT, JANE? WELL, I-I THINK IT'S JUST GREA THAT HE WANTS TO CELEBRATE HIS SCOTTISH HERITAGE.
OH, I'M NOT SCOTTISH.
DOES ANYONE WAN TO THROW IN ANY DARKS? JANE? I DON'T WAN TO ALARM ANYONE, BUT SINCE I'VE LOST MY SIGHT, I HAVE A HEIGHTENED SENSE OF SMELL AND I KNOW FOR A FAC THERE IS SOMETHING ON FIRE.
IT'S ELECTRICAL IT'S IN THE WALL, AND IT'S COMING FROM UPSTAIRS.
WE'RE RIING SOME ROBUSTOS.
OH, SWEET.
SET ME UP.
I NEED ONE AFTER THE MORNING I HAD.
THE, UH, THE OLDER SISTER I SLEPT WITH? SHE JUST KEEPS TALKING.
I THINK HER NAME IS BECCA BECCA? THANKS, MAN.
SHE IS SO CLINGY AND NEEDY AND DESPERATE.
- UH, SKOBO - FREDDY, YOU HAVE GOT TO TELL ME ABOUT THAT CANADIAN MODEL YOU DATED, HUH? IS SHE HOT? IS SHE DIRTY? HOSE CANADIAN CHICKS ARE DIRTY.
GOD.
OH! THAT'S SOME GOOD COFFEE.
SO HOW'S THE DRY ICE BUNESS? OH, I GOT OU OF THE DRY ICE GAME.
TOO COMPETITIVE.
NO, I BRED SHOW CATS FOR A WHILE, DID A LITTLE HAND MODELING, BUT I THINK I FOUND MY TRUE LIFE'S CALLING- MASSAGE THERAPY.
OH, YEAH.
IT SEEMS THAT THESE BABIES ARE GOOD FOR SOMETHING MORE THAN JUST HOLDING BREATH MINTS.
HEY, DAD, DO YOU REMEMBER THE TALK WE HAD? ABOUT SHIFTING JOBS SO MUCH? UH, NO, I MEAN THE OTHER TALK- ABOUT YOU AND ALICE'S PARENTS? RIGHT YEAH, LIKE THE KILT THING.
YOU KNOW, DAD, WE RENTED YOU A TUX.
OH, DANNY, NO, PLEASE, ANYTHING BUT THAT.
YOU KNOW I HATE WEARING A MONKEY SUIT.
THAT IS NOT US.
WE ARE SKIRT GUYS.
YOU GOTTA HELP ME OUT HERE.
YOU KNOW, THESE ARE TENSE PEOPLE ON A TENSE DAY.
SAY NO MORE.
OKAY, WHO WANTS THE FIRST MASSAGE? COME ON.
I KNOW IT'S A TENSE DAY, SO LE THESE NEARLY LICENSED HANDS- WHICH YOU MAY RECOGNIZE FROM A CERTAIN BAND-AID COMMERCIAL- CHANGE ALL OF THAT, HUH? YOU KNOW WHAT? GREAT IDEA.
JANE YOU LOVE MASSAGES.
- OH, I-I DON'T KNOW.
- GO AHEAD.
IT'LL BE FUN.
AND I DO LOVE FUN, BUT YOU KNOW, I JUST-I HAVE A MILLION THINGS TO DO.
PFFT! THERE'S PLENTY OF TIME.
YOU'VE GOT LORNA.
LOOK AT YOU, STEVE, COMING UP WITH ALL THE ANSWERS.
COME ON, DON'T BE SHY.
HAVE FUN.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? WELL, YOUR DAD WAS INAPPROPRIATE, MY DAD WAS HOSTILE AND MY MOM WAS PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.
A LOT BETTER THAN CHRISTMAS.
YOU SEEM A LITTLE LOST.
- HERE, LET ME HELP YOU.
- PLEASE, I AM FINE.
HEY, LOOK, YOU KNOW, DON'T WORRY.
I GET IT.
IT WAS A ONE NIGHT STAND.
I'M OVER IT.
I WAS JUST JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
I CAN'T SEEM TO GE THE BATHROOM DOOR OPEN.
THAT'S 'CAUSTHE BATHROOM'S OVER THIS WAY.
- OH, OKAY.
- YEAH.
- TO THE RIGHT.
- ALL RIGHT.
- OW! - I'M SORRY- NO, ACTUALLY, I MEANT MY RIGHT.
- THAT'S OKAY.
OW.
- YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S MY RIGHT.
OKAY, NOW, UM, STRAIGHT.
- OH, NO, STRAIGHT THIS WAY.
- THAT ONE HURT.
YEAH, HERE.
OH, MAN, YOU REALLY NEED MY HELP.
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE VERY KIND TO HELP.
NO, I'M HAPPY TO DO IT.
OH, THAT WAS NICE.
THANK YOU.
MY, MY, MY, YOU ARE A FIDGETY FIG, AREN'T YOU? NOW JUST RELAX.
LET ALL THAT STRESS FLY SOUTH FOR THE WINTER.
OKAY, NOW WHERE WERE WE? OH, YEAH.
NOW THIS SPOT HERE IS YOUR STOMACH POINT AND THIS POINT HERE, I BELIEVE, IS YOUR KIDNEY POINT AND-YOU KNOW, I'M NOT REALLY SURE WHAT THIS SPO IS CONNECTED TO, BUT IT REALLY SEEMS TO MAKE PEOPLE RELAX.
OHH THAT'S RIGHT.
JUST TAKE ALL OF THAT TENSION, PUT IT IN A BLENDER, HIT "PUREE" AND SERVE IT UP AS A SUMMER SOUP.
YOU KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK REFLEXOLOGY'S A BUNCH OF HOO-HA, BUT I SWEAR BY IT.
I HAD A LOWER G.
I.
ISSUE, WHICH WE WON' GO INTO RIGHT NOW.
I WENT TO THE REFLEXOLOGIST, AND IT CHANGED MY LIFE, AND NOW IT IS MY LIFE.
OH, MAVSA! YOU'RE WELCOME.
THERE YOU ARE.
SO, UM, JUST A SKOSH OF BAD NEWS HERE.
IT APPEARS THAT THEY HAVE MISSPELLED ALICE'S NAME ON THE GUEST BOOK.
AAH! GOD, THOSE IDIOTS! OH, I COULD JUST RIP THEIR FACES OFF.
AH, DANNY AND ALLISON.
OH, EVERYONE'S GONNA GET A KICK OUT OF THAT, DON'T YOU THINK? ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? LORNA, C COME AND SIT DOWN.
YOU KNOW, I REALIZE THAT I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT YOU.
WELL, REMEMBER YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T WAN TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME? OH, COME ON.
NOW TELL ME WHAT MAKES LORNA TICK? HMM? WELL, UM, I HAVE A WIDE STICKER COLLECTION, AND, UM, I PAINT CLOWNS WITH A GROUP.
I MAKE JEWELRY, BUT, UH, NOT THE KIND THAT PEOPLE WEAR, AND, UH, I'M AFRAID OF JUMPER CABLES.
UH, BUT ANYWAY, SO, UH, SO, THE GUEST BOOK- IT'S OKAY IF I PUT IT OU LIKE THAT? HEY, JUST ASK THE BRIDE IF SHE MINDS.
WELL, ALLISON IS BUSY- I'M ALWAYS DOING THAT.
ALICE IS BUSY GETTING A MASSAGE FROM THE GARF.
WHAT? HE TOLD ME TO CALL HIM THAT.
NO! OKAY.
I WON'T.
AND THIS SPO IS YOUR KIDNEY- JUST STOP IT.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW.
MOM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU ARE BEING SO RUDE.
MM-HMM.
STEP STEP WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU'RE RUINING THE ONLY REXING MOMENT I'VE HAD ALL DAY.
YOU DON'T NEED THAT KIND OF RELAXATION.
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GOING BACK IN THERE.
- NO, YOU ARE NOT GOING BACK THERE.
- WHY? BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU TO HAVE AN ORGASM.
EVER? NO! THE GARF PUSHED A BUTTON ON MY FOOT AND GAVE ME AN ORGASM.
WOW.
GOOD THING STEVE DIDN'T HEAHER SAY THAT.
YOU KNOW, IN THE "THINGS TO LOOK OUT FOR" SECTION IN THE BRIDAL MAGAZINES, NOT ONE MENTIONED ACCIDENTAL IN-LAW FOOT SEX.
WELL, HEY, COME ON, IF YOUR MOM COULD KEEP HER FEET IN HER SHOES OH, COME ON, STEVE.
IT WAS NOTHING.
IT-IT WAS A SILLY, INADVERTENT ORGASM.
I JUST WANNA KNOW ONE THING- WAS IT WAS IT WHAT? BETTER? DIFFERENT.
DIFFERENT HOW? BEER.
BUT, EW, THE GARF?! I MEAN EW.
"EW"? WHAT IS THAT, INUIT FOR "MORE"? ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO YOU WAN FROM ME, STEVE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME THAT YOU DIDN'T ENJOY IT.
AND WOULD THA MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER? - YES.
- I DIDN'T ENJOY IT.
LIAR! ALL RIGHT, LADIES, TIME TO SACK UP.
THE GAME IS FOOTBALL.
THROW ME THE BALL.
THROW ME THE BALL.
YEAH, THROW ME THE BALL, ALL RIGHT.
DON'T MAKE ME HAVE TO COME OVER THERE AND HAVE TO GRAB IT.
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? OH, BECCA GAVE ME SOME OF STEVE'S WORKOUT CLOTHES.
IT'S NICE TO SEE THAT STEVE IS COMFORTABLE WITH HIS FEMININE SIDE.
ARE THESE SEQUINS? BECCA'S BEEN PUNKING YOU ALL MORNING, DUDE.
NO, SHE HASN'T.
SHE'S BEEN HELPING ME.
SON OF A- AAH! OH! I'M FINE.
THAT'S MY BAD.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
OH! SORRY, MA'AM.
OH! - CHAIR.
- YEAH, RIGHT.
OW! UGH! YOU! AND TO THINK, I THOUGHT YOU WERE ACTUALLY TRYING TO HELP ME.
THE STAIRS, THE FURNITURE AND WAS THAT EVEN THE BATHROOM? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? I DON'T KNOW, I-I GUESS I'M JUST NEEDY, CLINGY, DESPERATE.
- WHAT ELSE DID YOU CALL ME? - I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
DUDE, I LIT YOUR CIGAR.
I WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE WHEN YOU SAID IT.
OH, FINE, OKAY, I SAID IT.
OH! BUT THE IMPORTANT THING IS I NEVER MEAN FOR YOU TO HEAR IT.
I'M SURE YOU SAID A LOT OF AWFUL THINGS ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK.
IT WASN'T BEHIND MY BACK.
BUT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.
LOOK, I KNOW I COME OFF AS A SWEET, SENSITIVE GUY, BUT I'M NOT.
I AM SELFISH, I'M ARROGANT, I LIE GET WHAT I WANT, AND I'M OKAY WITH THAT.
I JUST-I CAN'T PRETEND THAT WE'RE IN LOVE.
LOVE? UH WHO'S TALKING ABOUT LOVE? OK, I USED YOU JUST AS MUCH AS YOU USED ME.
ALL I ASK IS THAYOU GIVE ME JUST A BASIC LEVEL OF COMMON COURTESY.
AND YOU DON'T THINK THAT SOUNDS CLINGY? OH! FLOOR.
WE NEED TO MAKE SOME CHANGES TO THE SEATING CHART.
UH, CHANGE- CHANGE THE SEATING CHART? YES, THE SEATING CHART.
I'D LIKE TO MOVE SOMEONE FROM MY TABLE.
BUT THE SEATING CHAR IS LOCKED.
WELL, UNLOCK IT.
BUT YOU AND ALICE BOTH AGREED THAT IF THERE EVER CAME A DAY WHEN YOU ASKED ME TO UNLOCK THE SEATING CHART, I WAS SUPPOSED TO SAY NO.
GREAT.
JOB WELL DONE, LORNA.
NOW PLEASE MOVE THE GARF TO ANOTHER TABLE.
HMM? OKAY.
UP, UP, DAD.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S PLAY.
I THOUGH YOU DIDN'T WANT TO.
LET'S PLAY.
HEY, GREAT.
GREAT.
HIKE THE BALL! AAH! AAH! MY SHOULDER! LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME! OH, HEY, LET ME RUB IT OUT FOR YOU.
NOW DON'T YOU TOUCH ME, YOU KILT-WEARING FREAK.
DANNY, WHAT'D THE GARF DO TO MY DAD? YOUR FATHER CREAMED MY DAD WITH THE BALL.
OH, DO YOU BLAME HIM AFTER WHAT YOUR DAD DID? THAT WASN'T HIS FAULT.
YOU KNOW WHAT, DANNY? I HATE TO SAY IT,BU EVER SINCE YOUR DAD GOT HERE, IT'S BEEN JUS ONE PROBLEM AFTER AND OTHER.
I MEAN, HE'S A SWEET MAN, BUT BUT WHAT? BUT HE'S RUINING OUR WEDDING.
OH, NO.
NO, NO, NO.
THIS WEDDING WAS A DISASTER WAY BEFORE MY DAD GOT HERE BECAUSE OF YOUR CRAZY PARENTS.
EXCUSE ME, MY PARENTS DIDN' BIKE DOWN FROM MAINE IN A KIL AND GIVE MY MOTHER AN O-BOMB.
NO! BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE FUN, AND YOUR PARENTS LIKE TO SUCK THE FUN OUT OF EVERYTHING.
ARE YOU THE GARFINKELS? WHAT? NO.
I'M LOOKING FOR ALICE AND DANNY GARFINKEL.
OH, MY GOD.
THAT IS US! OOH, SOMEONE'S EXCITED TO GET THEIR PACKAGE.
NO, NO, NO, I MEAN WE ARE THE GARFINKELS.
GOOD FOR YOU.
COULD YOU SIGN, PLEASE? NO, NO, WHAT SHE MEANS IS THA YOU-YOU'RE THE FIRST PERSON TO CALL US THAT, YOU KNOW? HMM? WE'RE THE GARFINKELS.
YEAH.
YEAH.
LOOK, THIS IS KIND OF HEAVY.
DANNY, WE CAN'T LE OUR PARENTS DO THIS TO US.
- I KNOW.
- WE CAN'T FORCE THEM TO BE A FAMILY, BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN WE CAN' HAVE OUR OWN FAMILY, RIGHT? YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT A FAMILY.
OH! RIGHT.
SORRY.
SHH! LET ME DO THE TALKING.
ALICE, HONEY, UH, THERE WAS A BIT OF A SEATING SNAFU, AND, WELL, WHEN THE DUST SETTLED, I UNFORTUNATELY, THE GARF WAS NO LONGER AT OUR TABLE.
OH, REALLY? DAMN IT.
UH, YOU MEAN THE FAMILY TABLE? WELL, I-I DON'T KNOW THAT IT WAS OFFICIALLY THE FAMILY TABLE, BUT, YES, THE TABLE WHERE THE ENTIRE FAMILY IS SEATED.
SO YOU UNLOCKED THE SEATING CHART? OH! WELL, AGAIN, I- I-I THINK "UNLOCKED" IS A BIT DRAMATIC.
- HOW DID YOU GET THE CODES? - NO, IT'S FINE.
YOU KNOW, UH, IF THEY DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH HIM, THEY DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH HIM.
NO! NO, THEY CAN'T JUST MOVE YOUR DAD FROM THE FAMILY TABLE.
IT'S NOT RIGHT.
OH, AND IT'S RIGHT THAT HE GAVE YOUR MOTHER A "HAPPY ENDING"?! EXCUSE ME, EVERYONE.
WOW.
LOOK, I AM SO SORRY, BUT I THINK WE GOT OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT HERE.
NO, JANE GOT OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT.
THE LAST THING I WANNA TO DO IS TO UPSET THE HARMONY OF THIS WONDERFUL DAY.
YOU SEE, WHEN DANNY'S MOTHER LEFT, IT WAS JUST THE TWO OF US.
I MEAN, I MOVED US AROUND QUITE A BIT, BUT IT WAS-IT WAS NOT EXACTLY A VERY STABLE HOME LIFE.
BUT WHEN DANNY FOUND ALICE AND THEN YOU, JANE AND STEVE, YOU WELCOMED HIM INTO THIS LOVELY FAMILY.
IT'S THE FIRST TIME MY SON HAD A PLACE HE COULD CALL HOME.
AND THE VERY LEAST I CAN DO IS TO TRY MY BEST TO FIT IN.
LOOK AT YOU.
YOU LOOK SO HANDSOME.
UH, I-I'M JUST GONNA GO GET FREDDY TO TAKE A PICTURE.
- THANKS.
- YEAH.
WHERE'D YOU GET THAT TUX? LAUNDRY ROOM.
THAT'S MY TUX.
REALLY? IT SEEMS LIKE IT WAS MADE FOR ME.
OKAY, FRANCIS, THE SEATING CHART IS UNLOCKED.
COMMENCING REARRANGE.
HEY, SWEETIE, UH, I HATE TO PU ANOTHER THING ON YOUR PLATE WHEN YOU HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO DECIDE, BUT, UM, IT'S EITHER ME OR SKOBO IN THIS WEDDING.
WHAT? WELL, THESE ARE GREAT OF DANNY, BUT, UH, WHERE ARE THE REST OF THEM? THIS IS IT SO FAR.
DON'T WORRY.
DANNY AND I ARE GONNA GO TAKE PLENTY MORE BY THE OAK TREE.
LORNA! TABLE ONE HIGHLIGHTED, AND NOW MOVING GUEST FIVE OVER LORNA! OH£¡NO UNDO! OH, UNDO, DAMN IT! WHY AREN'T YOU UNDOING?! I'M FINE EITHER WAY.
JUST LET ME KNOW.
FRANCIS, I JUST LOST THE SEATING CHART.
REPEAT, ALL IS LOST.