Billy and Billie (2015) s01e02 Episode Script

[ Rock music plays .]
[ Knock on door .]
[ Knocking continues .]
Woman: Sweetie? [ Gasps .]
Hello? It's me! One minute! I'm with Carson, and I guess I forgot my key or something.
Just one minute, mom! Billie? Go, go, go, go, go, go! Coming! Just one minute! Um [ Laughs nervously .]
Be right there! [ Chuckling .]
Hey, mom.
Carson, buddy.
What is up, guys? Sweetheart, you don't have to play games with me.
What? The man pretending to sleep on your couch.
Come on.
Let's be real.
I don't know what you're talking about.
We were gonna take Carson to Fao Schwarz and have lunch.
Am I -- am I making this up? Fuck! Yes.
Shh! Sorry.
No.
We did, and I forgot.
I mean, I did not forget -- i forgot it was today.
Shit.
Sorry.
I, um -- can we -- we can still do it, right? What aboutHim -- I mean, the person you had over last night? Mom, stop.
It's Billy.
What? Yeah, Billy -- he spent the night last night.
Well, that -- what? Wait.
I-I [Chuckles.]
I don't understand.
Well, uh, he, uh -- he crashed here.
He was drinking like all night, and he -- whatever -- forgot his keys, I guess.
So he showed up at like 4:00 or so, and I-I just let him sleep it off here.
Oh, my god, it's so typical.
Yeah, he's an asshole.
Sorry, no.
You know, that's just He's -- no, he's okay.
We can still like him, right? Yeah, sure we can.
All right, well, we're here, so we can still -- cool.
Still go.
Is that you're, uh, wearing? Um, I thought I'd add pants, but, yeah.
All right.
It's a toy store, right? I-it's a nice toy store So I'll wear nice pants, 'cause I'm sure all the kids who want toys will care.
You know what? Thank you.
You know, uh, slacks wouldn't hurt anything.
Uh, slacks don't exist anymore, mom.
Hey! I don't even think the word exists.
What's happening? Who's this? Who is Carson? [ Grunting .]
Is this heaven? Very funny, young man.
Billie tells me that you were out drinking all night.
No.
Not all night.
I stopped before dawn.
What a waste.
Mm.
Technically, a waste would be drinking all night, then throwing it all up.
That's a waste.
Drunk enough to sleep here at your sister's.
Stepsister's.
But, yeah.
I didn't even know you two were on speaking terms.
You haven't been for -- for a while.
No, yeah, we, uh -- we ran into each other at the thing you guys did -- the, um -- the renewal ceremony.
And I didn't get to tell you, but you looked beautiful, by the way.
And so, yeah, we -- we ran into each other, and, uh, we've been trying to -- you know, just trying to keep in touch.
That was a week ago.
Right, yeah, no.
Just seeing -- seeing how it goes.
[ Sighs .]
You know, don't -- don't let him use you, okay, sweetie? Promise me that.
I mean, his [Sighs.]
His father can be a user, and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
You know, i think that depends.
You know, if the tree was on a hill, that apple could roll pretty far.
Um, shall we go? Come.
Yeah, don't let me, uh, stop you.
I got to get to work, so You still have that job? Yes.
Same one for five years.
Well, that's something.
It's something.
It's something nice.
Thank you, mom.
[ Sniffs .]
Anyway Have a good time at the toy store, okay? And make sure you spend a lot of money and don't worry about it 'cause it's just our inheritance, all right? And, um, thank you for letting me crash here last night.
That was -- that was very sweet Sis.
Sure, anytimeBro.
[ Chuckling .]
Okay.
Hey, I'll try not to make it a habit, all right? [ Laughs nervously .]
[ Laughs mockingly .]
Let's go.
Okay.
[ Door closes .]
Oh, god.
[ Sniffs .]
Hmm.
Hmm.
[ Rock music plays .]
[ Birds chirping .]
Can you just calm down for a second? No! No, I can't.
I really can't, okay? That was too fucking close.
That was too I know.
Fuck.
I mean, she had Carson with her.
Okay, so what? So what? Really? Well, I just think he's the last person we need to worry about.
I'm not really worried about him figuring this out.
Although [Chuckles.]
that would be amazing.
He would be like a junior detective.
Billy, come on! Okay? If she'd had her keys with her, she'd have walked right in on us.
Mm-hmm.
What if you'd been going down on me and Carson's standing right there? What about that? Then that would be awkward for all involved.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But it didn't happen, did it? Well, thank god for that.
Look.
No, don't.
I don't fuckin' -- i don't want any stories or fuckin' bullshit rationalizations.
That was a wake-up call.
No.
That is -- that is what that was.
It's not that big a deal.
It's not! That answer [Chuckles.]
It just like really fuckin' scares me, okay? It terrifies me that I'm just, like, doing this on my own here.
You're not! I'm right here! Well, then don't say stupid shit if you're just gonna try to make me feel better.
I'm not trying to be stupid.
Well, I guess you're just a natural, then, I guess.
Ohh, burn.
I am seriously freaking out here and pissed off and freaking out and a lot of shit! Yes, I -- believe it or not, i get that now.
Why aren't you? I am, okay? It's weird.
I understand, and it could be bad.
But didn't we know this could happen at some point eventually? I guess, I guess.
You didn't? You guess you did? 'Cause I did.
Oh, good for you.
You get a gold star, and I get to just shit my pants.
Billie, stop.
Stop.
don't fuckin' tell me to stop.
I will -- I will stop when I fuck-- I will stop when I want to stop.
Fine.
It is fine.
It is fucking completely fuckin' fine.
Yes, it is.
Yes, I'm serious.
It is.
I know.
Me too.
don't, don't, don't, don't do that.
What? don't fuckin' play that game.
What?! Just mister like, calm and collected.
I'm not.
I'm just trying to balance you out a little bit.
Oh.
[ Laughs .]
I'm trying to be sensitive.
don't.
don't.
I fuckin' hate that shit.
What do you hate? What do you hate? Sensitivity? Yeah.
Yeah, sensitivity can suck my dick.
Okay, I mean, i think it's unlikely.
I think it's biologically impossible, but why not? don't worry about it.
You just forget all about it.
I'm just gonna deal with this on my own.
Hey, come on.
Nope.
Come on.
No, it's fine.
No, listen.
It's fine.
I left work to come and discuss this with you, so let's do it.
Let's discuss this.
Yeah, all you do is fucking crack jokes.
That is my way of coping.
Well, I don't like it.
Well, then you don't like me.
Thanks, Freud.
Oh.
Oh, that's funny.
So you get to crack jokes.
It's just not okay when I do.
Pretty much, yeah.
Well, that's not fair to anyone.
I don't think I'm ready for this, okay? What? Us being like this.
What? Fighting? Is a couple -- I don't care if we fight.
We didn't even tell anyone yet.
You can't even give it a chance? That's all you can do? That's it? Maybe so.
Yeah, I don't think I'm ready, okay? I just -- I just don't think i can do this.
Okay, fine.
People don't do it for a reason, get together when they're, you know, siblings.
Step! Whatever.
Whatever.
We are stepsiblings.
Well, fine.
Okay.
Look, we were curious.
I was.
Okay? And -- and we got to fuck around, and it was nice, all right? Hey, it was nice.
Thanks.
But now maybe we just leave it right there.
That's really how you feel? I guess.
All right.
I mean, maybe it's just the best thing for right now.
Hey, if you say so.
Well, don't just fuckin' agree with me to agree with me.
I'm not.
Tell me what you think.
I'll tell you what I think.
I think you're scared.
You're gonna run off no matter what I do, so I might as well protect myself.
You don't want to be with me, you don't have to.
You can go.
Just go.
Great.
Great.
See you at Christmas, then.
All righty.
[ Sighs .]
So, I don't know whether I'm supposed to bring it up or anything, butAre you and Denise still -- dude, come on.
It's a simple question.
Uh, well, simple answer for you -- no.
All right.
Understood.
Thank you.
Cool.
So, is she, like, available or I don't know.
Ask her.
Dude, I [Chuckles.]
what? It's not even possible.
All right.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You asked me.
All right.
What's crawled up your ass lately? Nothing.
Uh, okay.
Ever since we got here, you've been acting all grouchy.
[ Shudders .]
Hey.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
It's nothing.
It's fine.
[ Sniffs .]
You want to get some dessert? [ Chuckles .]
Maybe.
[ Laughs .]
Hey.
Hi.
So, um, did you get engaged or not? [ Chuckles .]
Uh, no, that girl, she's, uh -- she's a jokester, likes to -- likes to mess with people.
Got it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So you're No, not -- not engaged.
Not presently.
Good to know.
Good to know.
Do you guys need anything else? I would like a Um You want the Yeah.
Dessert menu? You got it.
Please? Okay.
Do you need anything else? Can you think of anything else you need? I'm good.
Thank you.
Good with the dessert menu.
Okay.
Shit.
Ohh.
Dude.
You're so lucky.
I know.
Kind of.
No, with women.
I know.
For some strange, inexplicable reason [laughing.]
They really like you.
Yeah, it's a curse, I'm telling you.
Really? No, it's actually -- it's fuckin' rad.
I just, uh -- I don't want you to feel bad.
Thanks.
[ Sighs .]
I'm gonna go take a piss.
Take whatever you need.
[ Sighs .]
[ Door opens, closes .]
[ Footsteps approach .]
Hey.
Hey.
Having a nice morning? Not terrible.
You? Uh, yeah, not too bad.
I'm Billy, by the way.
Hey.
I'm September.
September? Really? Yes, unusual.
I know.
Wow.
No, I mean, I've -- I've, uh, heard of junes and aprils, so why not September? Is that -- is that when you were born -- your month? Nope.
October.
Okay.
Random, then.
Well, I was supposed to be born in September, but I was late, so that's why.
Ah.
Aha.
Mm-hmm.
Are you gonna remember it, my name? Yeah, yeah, i definitely will.
Okay.
Well, maybe you should, like, put it in your phone or something just in case.
I would love to.
Okay, well, i can do it for you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Which pocket? Let me just -- let me just get some Which pocket is your phone in? My phone is in my right pocket.
Your right pocket.
My right, your left.
Okay.
That's the one.
[ Clicks tongue .]
Mm-hmm.
Use it, okay? Yeah, I definitely will.
Why? Is that -- can you not? I mean, it's better Right.
if you were to not.
But if it doesn't I wouldn't -- I wouldn't do it.
Here you go, guys.
Hi.
What is that? Oh, just a little something on the house.
Thank you so much.
That's -- that's so nice.
Thank you.
What a nice -- nice girl she is.
Dude.
I hate you.
I know.
You know that? Yeah.
Thanks, man.
Anytime.
Hey.
Hi.
Sorry! It's okay.
Ooh! Hi.
[ Chuckling .]
Hi.
[ Sighs .]
I don't care what time it is -- i need a drink.
It's late enough.
Usually they take those away so nobody knows how many you're having.
I stopped the guy.
I want to remember how many I had.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
I love it.
What's up? Nothing.
Which means that mystery guy you're fucking.
This is why we're friends, because you are a psychic person.
Yeah, that and the fact that you owe me about, mm, $6,000 worth of cash and clothes.
What? That's a lot of money.
And if we didn't see each other, I'd never get it, so That's fair.
Great.
But, yeah, we're friends.
Bam.
Hey.
Hey.
Waiter, can we get my friend a drink? No? Waiter? Is there a waiter? Great service.
Thank you.
Sorry.
He gave me three, so I don't know.
Hello, Billie.
Drew.
Hey.
What are you doing here? Billie, what's up? Billy: Uh, we're just having a -- work -- this is, uh, this is Denise.
Hi.
We -- we work together.
Um, this is Billie, my sister Oh, hi.
and this is her friend drew.
Hello.
Stepsister.
Nice too meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Your name is Billie, too? Yeah, it's crazy, right? [ Chuckling .]
Wow.
I've always found it confusing, myself.
Our parents got together when we were a bitWell, young, but not so -- not so young that, you know -- is one of your names short for something, like William? No.
It is a little odd, yeah.
Really? Yeah, it is.
I know.
It's a coincidence.
[ Chuckling .]
Yeah, it is.
It is.
It is.
So, anyway, you guys here for a business-lunch date? Uh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We are, um, discussing some new story ideas.
Um, yeah, we have the anniversary issue coming up.
It's a double issue.
For chisel? Yep.
For chisel.
Cool.
Really neat.
Yeah, it's okay.
Drew: Nice place to have a meeting.
I suppose you can write this off or something -- for business stuff.
Exactly.
Why don't you two join us, and then we'll cover your meal, too.
Sure, Denise.
That's a great idea.
Billy: Ah, she's kidding.
You don't want to? You don't want us to? I think we're kidding.
Are you kidding? She's kidding.
No, no, no.
Okay, well, yeah, they'd probably question us and we'd have to lie about it, so That's what I'm saying.
I think better we just keep it all above board.
Nobody gets hurt, you know.
Maybe next time.
Yeah.
[ Chuckles .]
Yeah.
Ha-have another.
I will.
Yeah, it was nice to meet you, though.
You too.
Yeah, you too.
I'm sorry, what was your name again? It's drew -- with an umlaut.
I'm online.
You can find me pretty much anywhere.
Okay.
Yeah.
Uh, drew, right.
Uh, shall we? Yeah.
Actually, would you grab us a seat up there? I'll be with you in one second.
Yeah, sure.
Thank you.
Good to meet you.
Both: You too.
[ Sighs .]
You'd better get to your business lunch.
Okay, good to see ya.
Drew, good to see ya.
Thanks.
I like your tie.
What are those? Boats? Or? That's -- they're not even close to boats.
They're -- they're panda bears.
If you must know [ Both chuckle .]
That's funny to you.
I I gave money to a preservation society Aww.
Not a big deal -- and they gave me this.
So, that's how that works.
Your girlfriend's waiting.
Ah, very funny.
She's not my girlfriend.
Your boss, then? Uh, nope, nope.
She's not my boss, either.
We work together.
We're coordinating a double issue.
Goodbye.
Okay, see you later.
Nice to see you, drew.
Yeah, maybe with a different tie next time.
I'm sorry.
Do you not like pandas? I like pandas.
I don't like ugly ties.
Ouch.
See ya.
Well [Chuckles.]
you two haven't gotten any closer, have you? [ Chuckling .]
Obviously.
Huh? I mean, since school.
You guys have this thing, this, like, anger thing that is deep.
Whatever.
It's true.
It was like that back in high school, and I see you two together again and it's the same.
Barely know the guy now.
Yeah, well Seriously, what the fuck? Do you want to get out of here and just go somewhere else? Sure.
Great.
Ugh, I need to get tampons anyway.
Do you want to come with me? Yes.
How could I turn that down? Right? Right.
Everything's fun with me.
Let's go.
Sure.
Do you have any money? Oh, really? Yeah.
I'm sorry.
[ Laughing .]
I I don't have any, and I drank a lot.
Yes, yes.
What do you think? Is $40 okay? Yeah.
That's great.
All right.
Let's just get out of here immediately.
Okay, let's go.
Let's find somewhere else.
Get out of here.
She's cute.
Hm? Your sister.
Oh.
[ Chuckles .]
Her friend's a bitch, but [Clears throat.]
she's not so bad.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
"Billie.
" Mm-hmm.
Yeah, she's kind of You guys close? Nope.
Not anymore.
No? Sir, could -- could He's We have time.
He's got other things to do.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Sighs .]
[ Cellphone ringing .]
[ Sighs .]
Hello? Hey.
It's me.
Hey.
What's up? Nothing.
Cool.
Thanks for calling.
[ Sighs .]
Motherfucker.
[ Cellphone ringing .]
Billy Jones' phone.
You're an asshole.
[ Sucks lips .]
Well What? You and drew were fucking mean today.
Why do you even hang out with her? She's not nice.
Old girlfriends are rarely nice to old boyfriends.
Come on, give me a break.
I took her to prom.
I took her to junior prom.
I know you guys made out, soYou know, i know it for a fact.
Why'd you call, Billie? What for? Okay, is this the serious part now? I'm just asking.
I can call you if I want to.
don't pick up if you don't want to.
I did.
I wanted to, and so I picked up.
Now we're talking.
What's up? [ Sighs .]
I'm sorry.
I behaved badly this week, and I just wanted to acknowledge that in a meaningful way.
Okay.
That's it? "Okay"? I mean, yes.
You did.
Now you've said so, and I've agreed.
Do we need to sign a contract, or? You're such a dick.
I don't know what else you want.
Who was that girl today? Denise.
I work with her.
I told you that.
"Work"? That's all? Yes, Billie, work, okay? What -- what -- what else? Anything else? Do you want to come over? [ Sighs .]
You mean like over over? Yeah.
So? Yeah.
I do.
Okay.
But you're not going to, right? No.
Okay.
Wait, am I on speaker? Am I on speakerphone? I'm home alone.
Oh, fuck you! [ Peppy ringtone plays .]
[ Ringtone stops .]
[ Groans .]
[ Rock music plays .]