Black Books s01e02 Episode Script

Hiya! Hello - Hello.
- I'm, um the Ahh! Yes, of course! How are you? I'm fine.
How are you? Fine.
We haven't slept together, and you're not here to freak me out.
No, no.
It's just with you being a man and everything, I thought maybe we'd had sex.
I'm supposed to be working in a bookshop.
I'm Manny.
- Fran.
Um, what bookshop? - The one next door? - Bernard's bookshop? - Yeah.
- Bernard hired you? - Yeah, he did.
- You're working for Bernard? - Indeed I am.
Wait.
Bernard - Irish, smokes, drinking, wargh! Yeah.
That's wargh - brilliant.
- That Bernard? - That's him.
I thought it'd be nice, you know - bookshop, books, mellow.
- "Mellow"? - Yeah.
What? What? What do you? Run away! What? Hello? Hello? Umm Mr Black? Mr Black? Am I dead? No.
Who are you? Have I joined a cult? No, I'm Manny.
You hired me yesterday.
Ohh! - You remember? - No.
How was the situation? Had I been drinking? So, what do you say? What about it? You know, the-the, uh, pay's not great but the work is hard.
Are you up for it? Come on, what do you say? I have to say I think you're being a bit rude.
- Mr Black? - Just a minute, just a minute, just a minute, miss.
- Do you want the job or not, Manny? - I'm over here.
I do apologise, sir.
Hey! - All right, what did you order? - Lager.
I got you crème de menthe.
OK, here it is.
I like you a lot, Gerald - Samantha - Manny.
- Manny! That's the one.
I like you.
You're not so bad yourself.
- Don't touch my arm.
- Sorry.
- And Where have you gone? - I'm here.
You're looking at me.
All right, yeah.
So What do you want? - You mentioned a job.
- What would I have to do? No, um I think you mean in the bookshop.
I already work in a bookshop! - No - What about in an aquarium? Er, no, for me.
Oh, yes, right, of course.
Sorry, yes, of course.
- Leaving, Manny? - No, no That's the old woman.
- Bernard Black.
- Manny.
- So, what do you want? - You mentioned a job.
- What would I have to do? - No, for me! Oh, yes, of course, sorry! It's very simple.
Here we go.
D'you want a job? - Great! Yes! - What's great? Had you been drinking? I'd say you'd had a couple.
The thing is thing is, um Duh! Wait a second! What time is it? Um, half ten.
Half ten? Half ten? I've never been up at half ten! What happens? Look, um - Er Manny.
- Manny.
Have you ever bought a book at half ten in the morning? Er, now you mention it No.
You see? That would be a world gone topsy-turvy.
But if this were a bakery this would be late.
- Watch it.
- Sorry.
- No cheek.
- All right.
I'm sorry, son.
I've made some kind of mistake.
You obviously don't have what it takes to sell a book.
People don't want them in the morning.
Hello! I'd like to buy a book! - What book? - I don't care.
I'm just in a mood to buy a book.
We're closed! Get out! Oh, maybe I'll swing by the bakery.
All right, a one-day trial, how about that? Fine, a one-day trial.
Fine! Er, one-day Ow! Hello? Yeah.
I'm a bit busy at the moment.
I'll call you back.
What's that, "ow ow ow"? I used to work a lot with a mobile and now, just before my phone rings I get a sharp pain in my head.
What's your number? - Could you pass my phone, please? - Yeah.
Ow! That's brilliant.
Oh, actually Ow! - Hello? - Hi, it's Bernard.
The thing is, we don't actually allow mobile phones in the shop.
- Oh, right.
- OK? Bye.
Bye.
Oh, look - redial.
Ow! What's all this? The rules for the customers, but they apply to you as well.
"No mobiles, no wigwams.
" Walkmans! "No snoit no snoity car "Snoi " This is indecipherable.
Look! It's perfectly simple.
"No mobiles, "no Walkmans " None of that, or any of the others! "Singe bugger cack.
" "Signed, Bernard L Black.
" Oh, yes? What's the L for? Ludwig, you know.
Beethoven.
Oh, right.
Why did your parents decide on, er? What? Nothing.
I'm going to freshen up.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Books, old and new! Come on, come on! - Who are you?! What are you doing?! - I'm just a customer.
Oh, yeah.
Lunch! Where's Fran?! All right, all right! Come on, lunch.
- Shall I flip the sign? - Go ahead.
Join us, Manny.
Tell us all about yourself.
I was born in London Stop there, David Copperfield! If we're going back that far we need popcorn or something! Don't mind him, Manny.
Go ahead.
Well, moved around a lot, saw a lot of army bases Your father was in the army? No, just coincidence.
Sorry, could we do this when I'm not here? OK, fair enough.
This could be a lovely place.
- It is a lovely place! - If you wax the shelves and get rid of whatever makes you stick to the floor here.
You're supposed to stick the floor there.
I like it like that.
Stops children running.
Seal the floor - stop that rising smell, and you've got molluscs on your pipes.
- What of it? - Well, they live in the sea.
- Get a few more standard lamps.
- You didn't say you were gay.
What? But, er, I'm not.
- But you're interested in lamps.
- Lamps.
Yeah, but I'm interested in in women and lamps.
I thought you were.
Gay, I mean.
So did I, for a bit.
Then I found out about the prohibitive standards of hygiene.
And all that dancing! Oh, er Just look at this bastard.
That's right.
That's right, we're having lunch - come on in.
Look at him - look! Why can't they just leave me alone? What do they want?! They want to buy books.
But why me?! Why do they come to me? - Because you sell books.
- Yeah, I know - What? - I'd like to buy a book.
Here's one.
- No, I - This one's very, very good! Is it? Yes! You'll laugh, you'll cry, it'll change your life.
- 5.
99.
- All right.
- My change? - Er, come back later.
- I'm not coming back this way.
- Where do you live? OK, go there and await my instructions.
Where's he gone? I thought he might like to look at your spare room.
Why?! Oh, you know, if you want him living with you.
Are you insane?! He's great.
What's wrong with him? He's trouble, is what he is! He's I can smell it a mile off! He he's got all sorts of fancy notions, and he Do you know what I saw earlier when you weren't here? He was, um, sucking his trousers and laughing! - That's a lie, isn't it? - It No! - I'll ask him.
- No! Don't! I made it up.
You'd be crazy to let him go.
You need someone normal around here.
He's normal, is he? What am I, then? You're a freak.
You know that.
Yes, I know! But I have rights! This is what you've needed for the past five years.
I'd better get back to the shop.
Bye, Manny! You there Lord of the Rings, let's talk about how this whole, er, - one-day trial is going.
- OK.
At the moment you're fired.
- Oh.
- So it's not going that well.
No.
What's that? A bottle of wine to celebrate if the first day went well.
Welcome back on board! - These are your accounts? - Yeah.
There might be the odd gap here and there.
Yeah, there's a gap where there should be accounts, that's the gap I can see, the big account-free gap between page one and page 210.
Oh, well.
Accounts - who cares? Well, there's a thing here - takings, £370.
That's good.
But your outgoings were over £1,200.
Well, whores will have their trinkets.
I can't take care of every little thing around here, it's mayhem! You see? So, you and Fran - Yeah.
- You ever, er? You know.
- What? No.
What? - Ever - No, what? - Have you you know? Have you? - What?! - Together You know - Just say it, man! - Have you had sex? You don't beat around the bush, do you?! Well? Yes! - I think so.
- Hm? - I'm not sure.
- What happened? Well, a few New Years ago - I woke up - Yeah? - And I was there - Right.
And so was she.
And so were our friends, the genitals.
All six of us were there.
Six? What? Oh.
And none of you can remember? No.
No.
Well, I did for a while.
I think so.
Then she made me block it out.
That's it - she remembers and I'm not allowed to.
Customers! Why didn't you lock the door? - We can make some money.
- But they're students.
But students read books - or they pretend to, anyway.
It sounds dangerous, I don't like it.
Look, give it a chance, and remember this was my idea.
OK.
Right.
Hi! Yeah! No, I'm in a bookshop.
No - bookshop! No, no! Bookshop! These things are really well-made.
Now now, now Dead! Oh, that felt really, really good.
I'm surprised we sold anything after that.
What about you - following them round? People want to be left alone.
- You don't think I can do this job.
- No, I don't.
I bet you I can recommend and sell a book to this bloke.
- Tenner.
- You're on.
- Hello - Will you leave me alone?! I'm sick and tired of being hounded by salesmen! I'm browsing, all right?! Browsing! At the end of it I might buy something, I might not! But you will not influence me one iota! Not one jot! Now, I've finished with you, you may go! Best of three? I'm taking some clothes to Oxfam.
OK.
I usually lock up.
Well, now I'm here it's different.
Yes, it's different.
- W-wait! What are? - What? - Why are you locking the door? - I usually do.
But now it's different.
Yes, I've never locked anybody in before.
No, I can mind the shop for you while you're out.
Oh.
Oh.
OK.
Psst! - Has he gone? - Er yeah.
He's gone, everyone! - Where's all the books? - What? - Where's all the books? - Oh.
These have been sold.
Oh, Jesus! Do you know what that means?! I have to ring the ordering place, and you have no idea how incredibly boring and complicated that is.
Hello? Is this the place where you order books from for when to sell them from your bookshop? I don't know! I don't know! No! Can you just send me some books? Oh, God! Hello? Who am I speaking to? Katie - hi! Can I get the full Austen, complete Trollope - not you.
Er, Penguin editions, new editions, yeah.
Oh, Tolstoy? OK, fling a few in.
All right.
OK, then.
Yeah, yeah.
OK, see you.
Bye.
Manny I think it's about time you and I had a little chat about this whole one-day trial thing and how we think it went.
All right.
I think it went very well.
- You sold a lot of books.
- Yeah.
You got on very well with the customers.
- Thank you.
- I'm gonna have to let you go.
What? But I sold a lot of books! I got on with the customers! It's not that kind of operation.
Oh, Fran, er, just wanted to say Hi, Manny, I really enjoyed our little chat today Actually, I just popped in to say goodbye.
Goodbye? What are you talking about? What did I do? - What did I do?! - Did you tell Manny he was fired? - You nearly hurt me! - Did you?! Yeah, a bit.
Manny, can you come inside? D'you wanna work in the bookshop? Yeah, all right.
There.
He likes you.
- Ow.
- What? - Ow.
- What? - Ow Ow Ow - What? What? Ow Ow! Ahh! Agh!