Black Comedy (2014) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Excuse me, I was here first.
No, I was here first.
Introducing the Race Card Platinum.
Race Card Platinum - 'cause everybody's equal, but some are more equal than others.
(Crash!) You slut! What slut? You've been calling Troy.
Who Troy? Big Buddu Troy.
Ah, Big Buddu Troy.
Yeah, reverse-charge.
Why? Keep your eyes off him, bitch, because he wants me.
Well, after I spoke to him last night, he wanted my address, so he must want me.
The only reason he wants your address is so that he can drive by and call you slut.
Anyway, can't even dance.
Can't even shop.
What's this, then, slut? What's this, then, slut? What's this, then, slut? Can't even pay.
What's this, then, slut? What's this, then, slut? Indigenous people in this country are subject to some of the most alarming statistics in the world - poor health care, greater incarceration rates, low life expectancy.
We've all heard the stories, but tonight, we're going to tell you a story you haven't heard, the story of a child, an Indigenous child, an Aboriginal child, a black child, a child born without any sporting ability whatsoever, born completely unco.
Jerome Williams was born in a small, country town in 2000, the first baby of the new year, in fact, the new millennium.
His parents, Gary and Janet, celebrated his birth.
When did you first notice that something was wrong with Jerome? I guess when he was about three.
He just wasn't catching, passing or kicking any of the footballs we'd bought for him.
Gary would sit down and watch football on a Sunday afternoon, and Jerome would just sit there, more interested in the crossword puzzle.
He's under a lot of pressure.
Sorry.
Jerome was offered a sporting scholarship, sight unseen, here at St Ferdinand's, a school renowned for its success on the sporting field.
We've had plenty of Aboriginal students through here before.
They've all gone on to play at the professional level.
Have you ever recruited sight-unseen before? Well, no, but he came from the right part of the country, and you'd expect they can all run and jump and kick and catch and pass.
Do you know any of them? Name one that can't, go on.
Name one.
You can't do it, can you? Jerome Williams.
Yeah, well, he sure can't.
What's his scholarship situation at the moment? Free ride.
Total secondary education paid for as long as he plays for the school team.
And he does continue to play for the team.
Well, he turns up for the games.
I wouldn't call what he does exactly playing, but he turns up.
What's the situation with the team at present? Dead last.
I don't know what we're going to do about it either.
We've spent the entire budget for the next four years on this kid.
We're not that rich a school.
We're not like some posh school that's got black kids coming out their arse.
After the break, we meet Jerome, the Aboriginal boy with no sporting ability whatsoever.
Voice-interaction mode.
That's new.
'Choose voice.
' Indigenous.
'Hey, bud.
' 27 MacDonald Road.
You want to go to 27 MacDonald Road, Kenmore? No worries, my brother, let's do it.
Hey, bud, turn right in 50 metres.
Turn right now.
Bud, you missed the street.
What's wrong with you - you been sniffing petrol again, or are you just tired out? Turn around and go back, and for fuck's sake, stay off the yandi.
Next time, listen up.
I haven't got all day to be driving your black arse around.
Alright, get ready to turn into Cooper Street.
You missed the street again! True to God, I don't know why I'm fucking talking to you.
Go back and turn around.
Look at you - driving around in your black wannabe gangster Ford Territory, think you're shit don't stink.
Follow the fucking directions.
You show me the finger, I'll direct you straight into a wall.
Now let's turn left into this street.
Praise the Lord! It's a fucking miracle you managed to find the street.
I see you had no problems finding that white girl you shacked up with.
Don't even get me started on that haircut or that fucking shirt.
Keep going straight ahead and stay off the fucking carbs.
What's with (Speaks indistinctly) .
.
you sell-out coconut dog? Hey, for fuck's sake.
Look at you.
Man up and grow a pair of balls, you big pussy.
Hey, Noah.
What are you looking at? This is where I'll build the ark.
Yeah.
The what? The ark.
What's that? A big boat.
Why didn't you just say, big boat? So how big is this big boat? 300 cubits long, 60 cubits high and 30 cubits wide.
Wow! That is a lot of cubits.
You going to subcontract any of that? No.
You're more of a home handyman, aren't you? What are you trying to imply, Zachariah? Nothing, nothing.
I'm just saying, like, last year, you couldn't thatch your roof.
You asked me to do it, remember? What are you building this boat for? Because the Lord hath spoken unto me and said he is displeased with all mankind, and he will smite them.
He will send a great flood, and wipe all men and beasts from the earth but what I save, of two of every beast that I take with me and starting anew with the bounty from the ark.
Yeah, mm-hm.
Why wouldn't he? I mean So, the Lord God, Jehovah, asked a man who couldn't thatch his own roof last year to build a really big boat - sorry, an ark - because he's going to erase all the evildoers from the world, save two of every animal and your family? It's called divine intervention, you dickhead.
I don't ask questions, I just build! Yeah.
Alright, OK.
Good talk, good talk.
It's Friday night, I just got paid.
I'm going to Sodom and Gomorrah.
I'm going to have a big one.
See you later, brother.
No, you won't, my brother, not with an attitude like that.
(All laugh) These coasters are great! Oh, aren't they great? They're from Janelle.
Who? Janelle.
Who's Janelle? She's our Aborigine.
Your Aborigine? Yeah, we sponsor her.
You know - sponsor an Aboriginal, a dollar a day.
You know what they say - a dollar a day keeps the oppression away.
How is it? We love it.
Here she is, just here.
Oh! Isn't she gorgeous? We love Janelle.
Sometimes she sends us things, like the coasters.
And she gave us both spirit names.
Mine's Jundamutta.
And mine's Yagumslut.
It just feels good to give back, you know? We sponsor a program in Ecuador that provides a well to a local village.
It's not really in your own backyard though, is it? It's not really taking care of your own, is it? Have you met her in person? It's funny you should ask that.
We are meeting her next week.
Oh! You're inviting her here? God, no! We'd never have her here.
No.
She'd feel so uncomfortable, you know, surrounded by all these beautiful, Western, expensive delicate trinkets.
You know? So many Western trinkets.
She'd just feel She'd feel confined.
Yeah.
We wouldn't do that to Janelle.
She would feel really confined being surrounded by all these walls.
It would just be cruel.
So where will you go? We're going to that brand-new Thai place down the road.
Oh, I love that place! You have to try the barramundi.
They do this ginger fusion.
It's amaze! Yeah, well, apparently, she just fucking loves Thai! Maybe we should get our very own Aborigine.
What do you think, honey? Well, it's funny that you should say that, because Janelle just wrote in her last letter that her brother Trevor is getting out on parole soon.
What was his name again? BOTH: Trevor.
Trev-or? Janelle says it's Aboriginal for 'big tosser.
' We think that probably means that he's very good at tossing boomerangs.
Trevor.
Trevor.
Trevor! I like the sound of that.
So do I.
Do it.
Cheers.
Cheers to Trevor and Janelle.
To the Aborigines.
I think I'll call World Vision tomorrow and cancel.
Cancel the Filipino child, let's get ourselves a Trevor.
Oh! Sorry.
Excuse me? I'm sorry.
It's because I'm black, isn't it? Sorry.
There you go again - making a mockery of the apology.
People like you have no respect for Sorry Day.
It means nothing to you, does it? What day? Sorry Day! K Rudd.
You don't even know what it is, and yet you mock it.
That's what you do, isn't it - mock Aboriginal people.
I was talking about bumping into you.
Don't give me that shit.
We all know why you bumped into me.
You just wanted your daily dose of chocolate.
People like you make me sick to my stomach.
Mocking Aboriginal people, but yet you'll still sleep with Aboriginal women because you want a taste of that sweet, juicy, blackberry.
I know what white men like you did to my black sisters.
I haven't done anything! And that's your problem, brother - sitting on your arse and not doing anything to rectify the current situation that is faced by the first people of this land that you call Australia! Now get out of my face before I spit on you for all of my black sisters! And remember, brother - you're on Aboriginal land! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-wa! Ha! Hoo-hoo! Tonight, we meet Jerome, the Aboriginal boy with no sporting ability whatsoever, born completely unco.
What do you think about football, Jerome? Mm, it's OK, but I prefer academia, to be honest.
What are your favourite subjects? I like trigonometry, chemistry, applied physics, Dostoyevsky, van Gogh, the films of the French New Wave.
I probably love algebra the most.
That's what I call myself - the alge-bra, 'bra' being a colloquialism a lot of Aboriginal people use to greet each other.
That's a good one.
Did you tell your mum and dad that one? I did, but it made my mum cry, and Dad walked out of the room.
Speaking of your parents, what do you think about playing football professionally when you grow up? I was thinking of studying, maybe curing cancer or terraforming Mars for human habitation, something along those lines, but kicking a footy could be fun.
Jerome seems to be a very bright student.
And? What do you think about him pursuing an academic career? Academic? This is all your fault.
What? How? Cathy Freeman, Tony Mundine, Greg Inglis, Buddy Franklin - I'm related to them mob one way or another.
That's my family, my mob.
We're all athletes.
And your family What does your family do, Janet? They're university lecturers.
That's it, boys - keep it up.
Come on, keep up the pace.
Don't slow down.
Let's go, let's go! Let's see you.
Come on, let's do it! Thousands of them out there and we picked the dud.
What did you say? What did you call my boy? I didn't call him anything.
You said something.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
I said he's a dud, alright? He's a dud.
A what? A dud! You heard me.
Don't you call him that! You tell me I'm wrong.
You tell me I'm wrong! You're not wrong! It's alright, it's alright.
It's OK, let it out.
Can we get some tissues over here? He's a dud! Where are those tissues?! (Weeps) There you have it - the story of Jerome Williams.
I can't help but wonder what will happen to this Aboriginal boy, a boy born, tragically, with no sporting ability whatsoever.
Oh, my back! Oh! See how they go? Oh! MAN: Hey, wait up, bruz.
God only knows where he crawled out from.
I'm dreading cleaning his room tomorrow when he leaves.
Oh, it'll be that stinking true.
You know he don't shower, eh, but wears a suit every day for that conference.
I've caught him a couple of times, coming out of that bathroom, running away like somebody getting there.
He fright, that's all - fright from getting wet.
Can you wonder? Dopey crack! I don't know what he does with his stinking jocks.
No-one wants him! And that garbo's just as bad.
He makes me sick too.
Good lookin', but clumsy! Make the biggest mob of noise.
I reckon he's on for that boy with the stinkin' jocks.
They're forever real friendly with each other, them two.
I don't know why they got to bang them bins around for.
They're not made of tin! Banging them like to frighten someone off.
Kicking them here and kicking them there.
Who's in charge of noise complaints? I'll ask him about that.
He'd know.
I tell you what, he don't want to wake up these girls here.
They'll go off.
Wild gins, they are.
MAN: Hi, Mavis.
Gee, sorry about the bin noise last night.
Ah, the noise? What noise? I never heard no noise! Big gee whiz.
Yeah, I'll have one more.
It's still early.
You worked hard.
You earned it.
Sure did.
You sure? Your missus not going to go to war with you? Hey, cut it out! I'm the boss, OK? I call the shots.
Don't you worry about that.
As long as I'm bringing that paycheque home, she ain't complaining.
If she don't understand that, there's something wrong with her, ain't listening.
Ain't no dog house for me.
I'm laying up there, you know? Yeah.
Has she got a problem with that? I'm here with my boys.
That's what I'm talking about.
Oh, hey, baby! I'm just They made me stay here, baby.
I'm sorry! Hey, babe.
Them fish and chips are getting ready soon.
I'm going to be home straightaway.
Love you.
Bye-bye.
See you after, buddu.
I'm tired as, Adlay.
I was up all night watching that street fight on YouTube, man.
It's gone viral.
Not like back in the days when we was running these streets.
That lad wouldn't even try to start on me.
It just wouldn't happen.
But not nowadays.
It's like, oh, what, call the cops? Shh! Is that the one where the big Island lad got smashed on the footy field? That's the one, man.
The big front row where you got ashedsmay, Adlay.
You can't make that lad out, eh, the lad that bashed him? Nah, it's all pixelated, Adlay.
Esay, bra.
'Cause that was me, bra, that was me! Oh, what?! Call the cops! For real, it was.
But that lad had blond hair.
But I dyed it.
But his hair was shorter than yours.
But mine grows back fast.
Everybody knows that.
You can ask anyone.
Oh, what? Call the cops! Nah, nah - for real.
I smashed that lad.
Kicked the crap out of him, spat on him.
His wing and his centre was running from me.
I didn't even have weapons or nothing.
He was crying like a big sooky baby.
Begging me not to hurt him.
Call the cops! He's omingcay, he's omingcay.
Someone's coming! Give us a smoke, you derek.
Yeah.
Ah, yep.
Ah There is a smoke for you.
Oh, what?! Call the cops, you derek! Shush! We're cool now, me and him.
You derek! Enough with the derek, shithead.
Oh, what! Call the cops.
Shh! Wasn't him.
The brave crew of the starship Henterprise find themselves in trouble once again as they blackly go where no black has gone before.
Power's at 50% and declining, Captain.
I'm bringing forward thrusters online, but it doesn't seem to be doing anything.
The gravitational pull is quite amazing.
I've never seen a big black hole this big and black before.
It is a big black hole.
Suggestions? Can we go to warp? Afraid not.
The warp core is damaged from our last run-in with the Xenophobians.
Damn! Those discriminatory bastards.
Well, whatever you fools decide to do, you've got to do it now, because this big black hole is sucking us in like something that has a whole lot of suction.
Suggestions? If we ejected the warp core and fired photon phasers at it, it may cause enough force to push us out of the big black hole's gravitational pull.
I cannot guarantee it though.
Let's do it.
I'm not about to die in a supermassive, big black hole.
Firing one now.
Firing two now.
Firing three.
Looks like you fools did something right.
Good work, team.
I knew it would work, even though it was a big, scary black hole.
Oh, I don't know.
I kind of like big black holes.
EVERYONE: Shut up, vanilla.
OK.
Seriously, you like black holes? Tune in next week for the all-new, all-exciting Star Blaks.
(Starts engine) GPS: What the hell do you think you're doing? Bud, have you lost your fucking mind? (Speaks indistinctly) .
.
and then you steal a black man's car? Get out of here before I kick your white arse.
Yeah, you better run.
If I see you again, I'm going to run you down, you damn white dog.
(Phone rings) Welcome to Black On Track.
This is Jesse.
How may I help you? WOMAN: My son, he's going for a job interview.
I need you to pick him up from the airport.
Unfortunately, we're not funded to provide that service.
You're telling me my son is stranded at the airport? Well, how old is he? 27.
27? He's a big boy.
I'm sure he can make his own way.
He's got no money.
I'm sorry, that's not our responsibility.
What kind of black organisation are you? Sorry? You're white, aren't you? No, I'm not.
You might as well be white.
I can tell you're a coconut who don't care about his people.
Here! You don't know me.
You don't know what I've done for our mob.
What have you done, apart from push out big, useless kids from your big, useless fork? What kind of 27-year-old wants to get driven around like a celebrity? You want to do something for your community? Teach your son about self-determination.
Stop being an enabler by ringing up people, trying to get them to pick up your no-good, can't-do-shit, big, useless, hairy dog of a son.
Now, was that black enough for you? (Phone rings) Welcome to Black On Track.
This is Jesse.
How can I help you? Six months ago, we reported on an Aboriginal boy born, against all odds, with no sporting ability whatsoever.
He just wasn't catching, passing or kicking any of the footballs we'd bought for him.
We've spent the entire budget for the next four years on this kid.
I prefer academia, to be honest.
Total secondary education paid for as long as he plays for the school team.
Tonight, we follow up with Jerome Williams and his family.
Jerome seems to be doing well.
Yeah, he is.
We changed Jerome's school.
He's just built a website that collates Collates data.
Collates data, yeah.
So you feel you made the right decision? Yes.
He's with his own kind now.
(Nerds.
) And he just sold the website to Google for 20 million, so, proof's in the pudding.
How's your relationship with Jerome now? Yeah, look, I love him.
He's my son.
Doesn't matter if he can't play football.
(Laughs) I can see you've got some good news now.
Yes, we're expecting.
He kicked! Left foot or right? Welcome, everybody, to Mad Matt's Moist Murrioke.
How are we all going, are you ready to sing? Who cares, 'cause I am.
Word of warning - singing with me can be hazardous to your relationship.
My voice is like honey to a bee, people.
When I sing I make things up, yeah I sound really good, yeah I sound like Mariah Carey.
Check this shit out.
This is how you dance, yeah.
What you got? You ain't got shit.
You ain't got it there.