Black Dynamite (2009) s01e02 Episode Script
Bullhorn Nights or Mandingo's Got a Pink Toe
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and homosexuals! Welcome to the Dry Hump! Coming to the stage, we have a very special guest tonight.
We've seen him in such films as "Big Trouble In Little Vagina," "Oceans 11 inches," "Enter The Shit Enter With A Dragon"! Give it up for my main man, Ringo-o-o-o-o Mandingo-o-o-o-o! This is my main man.
[women screaming, cheering.]
Put that ding-a-ling in ya mouth and see how it feel! Mandingo is in the house! Ding-a-ling, ding-a-ling, ding-a-ling! Throw your money, baby! Throw your money! Throw your money cash in the house, baby! Come on, baby! Yeah! Mandingo-o-o-o-o-o-o! [women screaming, cheering.]
[snaps fingers.]
[engine revs.]
[funk music plays.]
[tires screech.]
Hey, you need to watch the way you swervin'.
You're driving Ringo Mandingo, baby.
I'm about to star in the biggest porn film that's ever been seen.
I ain't got no insurance on this here thang between my legs.
You know what I'm sayin'? Wait.
Why are we in this alley? [brakes squeal.]
[chainsaw sputtering.]
[chainsaw revs.]
[screams.]
[splatter.]
Ohno He's Dynamite So dynamite Ooohhh, ooohhh Ooohhh Ahhhh He's Dynamite Dy-no, dy-no Ooohhh, ooohhh Oooohhhh Dynamite! Dynamite! This week I've never seen anything like it.
It's unbelievable.
It's a terrible scene.
Can't believe it.
Ah, look at this.
Damn.
I heard you had a murderous killin' last night, Chief Humphry Magilahorn, but this shit here looks intense.
That's right, Black Dynamite, it does look intense -- and it is.
My wife of 13 years just walked out on me, I forgot to put deodorant on, and I got hemorrhoids in my ass nipples.
Hemorrhoids in your ass nipples must make for painful farts, but I think what Black Dynamite's talkin' 'bout is all these chopped-up body parts.
Oh.
Yeah.
That.
I guess that's pretty bad, too.
This guy's body is all over the place.
There was a leg in the dumpster, a foot over there in a pile of shit and a -- Hey! What's this over here? Looks like a baby arm.
Cream Corn, that's no baby arm -- More like an elephant trunk.
That's Ringo Mandingo.
I'd recognize that tubesteak anywhere.
What?! [dramatic funk plays.]
Oh, no! Cousin Ringo! I'm so sad to see you go.
Bullhorn? You mean to tell me you're related to this Mandingo? Yes.
Ever since we were teeny-weeny, cousin Ringy's winky was long like a slinky.
Mama, look here! You gonna be amazed! I finished the school year with no missed days and 10 straight A's.
Uh, don't nobody care about your grades.
Bullhorn, I'm runnin' out of money for your Cousin Ringo.
Go upstairs and get your piggy bank so I can give him some mo' dough.
This is illegal somewhere.
[laughs.]
Yeah, even though my grades were the best and I could rhyme and sing, Ringo was the one who was blessed with the supersized ding-a-ling.
Aww.
I feel so sorry for you, Bullhorn.
I didn't know you were part of the itty-bitty committee.
At least you got a good personality.
Yeah, Ringo had it all, and with that thang, he could never lose.
I would give anything and my mama just to walk in his underoos.
Why would anyone want to kill a man with such a big dick? Hm.
As soon as a black shaft starts to rise, the man has to bring him down.
Can you dig it? Nah, Black Dynamite, it ain't the mans this time.
This is the work of a serial killer.
This makes the fourth black porn star this week.
They were all supposed to be in that new interracial skin flick.
Ladies and gentlemen, we've seen horse on horse.
We've seen horse on girl, boy on girl, boy on boy, black boy on boy.
[laughs.]
We've seen white girl on horse.
And now we are about to break the last erotic taboo there is left -- The first black-on-white porn.
"Willy Wanker And The Chocolate Fucktory" Rated Triple-X.
AGENT: The first one to get picked off was Slappy Long Strokem, then Humpy Dangle Darth Invader Pelvis Pressly Dickie Jiggler and nowRingo Mandingo.
Whew! Now, that's a mouthful.
We need to do something.
Now, you stay out of this one, Black Dynamite.
We don't need your vigilante justice on this case.
Now, see there? I wasn't even gonna take the case.
But since you said notto take it, I'm-a take it.
Is that right? Wrong or right, right or wrong -- When a cracker tells Black Dynamite not to do something, he does it, Jack.
Well, in that case, don't go jump off a bridge, Black Dynamite.
Your reverse honky psychology don't work on me, Copper.
Black Dynamite's on the case.
[dramatic jazz plays.]
OFFICER: Hey, Chief! We found two bowling balls! Dynamite! Dynamite! [beep.]
MOVIE DIRECTOR: A-a-a-a-a-and action! Did somebody order a pizza? [giggling.]
Ooh.
I thought you would never come.
Now get in here and give me that anchovy.
- DIRECTOR: Cut! Cut! Cut! - PORN STAR: [groans.]
How many times do I have to tell you?! It's "Sausage"! An anchovy is not a euphemism for a penis! When have you ever heard a man refer to his wiener as a tiny, smelly fish?! - Um - DIRECTOR: Shutup! Everybody, take five! I thought "Anchovies" was a good choice.
Black Dynamite.
You finally changed your mind after all these years.
You ready to get back in the business? I thought I told you honkies from the adult-film industry that Black Dynamite don't hump on film no more.
Now, I don't mean to butt in on your butt flick, but I'm here to investigate some porn murders.
Have you seen anything abnormal around here lately? Hmph.
I wish I have.
That's the problem.
Everything here is too normal.
Porn has gotten so ass-boring nowadays, Black Dynamite.
I came over to this table to get me a little treat, but it turns out you pink toes are the one I want to eat.
[both chuckle seductively.]
I don't know how many places a man can stick his anchovy before it becomes redundant.
You mean "Sausage"? Whatever.
I need something different, something unique that hasn't been done before.
You're a bottom bitch, I'll betcha.
'Cause I'm the white pussy stretcher.
[both chuckle seductively.]
My dream was to do this "Willy Wanker" movie, but Ringo's dead, and those are some pretty big, black shorts to fill.
I'll break your heart.
Better watch out, girl.
I'm certified in cunnilingus in all corners of the world! [both squeal.]
[twinkle!.]
[all moaning.]
[twinkle!.]
Wow! Look at all those panties droppin'! In all my years in this business, I have never seen a penis do that -- not even Ringo's! It's the way he rhymes those words.
That's it! I'm gonna make you a star! A big, bright, black, shining star! Yes! This is good! I love it! That's wonderful, Bullhorn! You're gonna be famous, just like Ringo.
They say it's the motion of the ocean, not the size of the boat.
But I guess neither one matters when you got a sweet throat.
That should be your name -- "Sweet Throat" -- Kind of rolls off the tongue, like "Cream Corn.
" Okay, now.
We can't let all these sweet throats and panties distract us from our porn mission.
[music slows, stops.]
Oops.
Sorry.
Now, Bullhorn, I'm-a need you to go undercover -- Deeper than you ever been before.
I want you to pretend to be one of these fuckers so you can bring this sucker down.
Don't worry, Black Dynamite.
I'll go deeper than any deep-sea diver or oil driller.
I'll be the best undercover lover and find cousin Ringo's killer.
[twinkle!.]
Damn.
He's good.
Dynamite! Dynamite! Ladies, as you can see, I'm just an ordinary porn star fuckin' and suckin' for a check.
But would any of you professional hoes happen to know who rung Ringo Mandingds neck? [both moan.]
"Pipe Reams," take 4.
I'm too cool with a big Call your mama tonight! And when she answers the phone, tell her Mr.
Sweet Throat himself is layin' the windpipes just right.
[moans.]
[twinkle!.]
Yes! This is good! [telephone rings.]
Hello? Is it me you're lookin' for'? Bullhorn, what's the skinny? You find this serial-killin' turkey yet? Sorry, Black Dynamite, but I ain't got no time to waste.
Right about now, Sweet Throat has to get back on the case.
BLACK DYNAMITE: Well, let me know if you need some help, because I ain't really doing shit right now.
[click, dial tone.]
TELEPHONE OPERATOR: We're sorry.
If you'd like -- Black Dynamite ain't used to waiting for nobody to do nothing.
I got to think of something to take my mind off of all this thinking.
"Facial Delivery," take 2.
Special delivery for Ms.
Mary Mack.
I can give it to you here in the front or I can put it in the back.
[moans.]
[twinkle!.]
DIRECTOR: Yes! I love it! [shutters click, crowd cheers .]
[crowd chants "Sweet Throat!".]
Suey Suey Suey Suey Suey! "Spontaneous Cumbustin'," take 5.
Ma'am, I got a complaint that some pussy was stuck in a tree.
If anybody can get that cat, you can bet your vagingo it's gonna be me.
[moans.]
[twinkle!.]
MOVIE DIRECTOR: Oh, my God.
This is fucking gorgeous! [crowd cheering.]
Rack focus! Rack focus! Yes! I love it! [crowd chants "Sweet Throat!".]
Black Dynamite.
Black Dynamite! Black Dynamite!! Honey Bee, what did I tell you about interruptin' my jump-ropin'? Man, you got this place smellin' like hot-dog water.
You need to get out of this dojo.
You been here for two weeks.
[telephone rings.]
Hello? Black Dynamite, I know you told me not to interrupt your jump-roping, but this is getting really serious.
Please don't tell me another black dick is in the dirt.
No.
It's way, way worse than a black dick this time, Dynamite.
It's a white woman! [dramatic notes play.]
And she's white! [dramatic notes play.]
Chief Magilahorn, no disrespect, but crackers come and go.
What else you got? One more thing.
There's only two black porn stars left, and if somebody slays Isaac Layes then your man Bullhorn is next.
[dramatic funk plays.]
Damn.
With a sting like that, I know it's got to be some heavy shit.
Don't you worry, Chief.
You told me not to catch this turkey, so I promised to catch him.
[receiver clicks.]
Everything all right, B.
D.
? No.
Things are getting deeper and deeper within the thighs of this porn case, and I haven't heard a thing from Bullhorn this whole time I've been jumping this rope.
I'm sure everything's gonna be fine, Black Dynamite.
Give Bullhorn a chance.
He might surprise you.
But if he donTsurprise me, he might wake up dead.
Isaac Layes, being a porn star is better than sex.
All the fame, all the dames, all the motherfucking checks.
[laughs.]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's all right, I guess.
But I sure do miss your cousin Ringo.
You know, even though he did have a supersized ding-a-ling, He was always jealous of you 'cause you could rhyme and sing.
Hey, well, I'd love to hang out with you some more, Sweet Throat, but I gots to go read this "Willy Wanker" script.
You see, it was supposed to be Ringo's role, but since we're the only two black porn stars left, looks like we gettin' all the work from now on, baby.
[ominous music plays.]
You a bad motherfucker.
No, you a bad motherfucker.
No, you a bad mother-- shut yo' mouth! My grave -- Ca" you dig it? Dynamite! Dynamite! [engine idling.]
[engine revs.]
[funk music plays.]
Hold on to your hoohahs and your chachas, 'cause Sweet Throat gotcha! [women screaming, cheering.]
They call me Sweet Dick Willy, the three-hole filler 'cause I'm a thrilla in vanilla and the bedspring killer! [laughs.]
[laughing.]
Bullhorn, what kind of triple-x treachery has taken over you? "Bullhorn"? Man, I'm so loved and motherfuckin' rich! From now on, you call me "Sweet Throat," bitch! [laughs.]
I got a riddle for you tonight that's outta sight! What did the five fingers say to the black -- Dynamite! Dynamite! Security! Securityl! I need you to secure me! Suey! [high-pitched.]
Mama.
Bullhorn, I knew you was way in over your head, but it's worse than I thought.
You way in over your head and your body.
The only reason I wanted you to stick your dick in the porn business was to catch this serial killer with it.
But I see you're only using it to live the life.
Now, I know you're having fun making whoopee with your throat, but there's still a killer out there on the loose that has a bullet with "Bullhorn" written all over it.
Black Dynamite, you were blessed with the talent to fuck up a sucker.
I was blessed with the talent to rhyme "sucker" with "fucker".
I'm bigger than any serial killer could ever be.
So how 'bout you go solve crimes and kick ass and just let me be me? [siren wailing in distance.]
[slurping .]
It's my fault, Honey Bee.
I should have been the undercover dick in this porn case instead of Bullhorn, and then he wouldn't be experiencing the life.
Well, Black Dynamite, they do say experience is the best teacher.
Yeah, but somebody's got to teach experience.
Never mind.
It sounded deep when I thought it.
I just wish I could think deep about who this killer is so we can save Bullhorn.
Here you go, Black Dynamite.
Two orders of grits and jello.
Enjoy! [dramatic music plays.]
Wait.
Roscoe, say what you just said again.
"Enjoy"? No.
Before that.
"Two orders of grits and jello"? Before that.
"Here you go"? After that.
"Black Dynamite"? Yes! And what's on Black Dynamite's plate? Grits and jello? Exactly! Quick -- what does jello do, beside taste shitty with grits? Wiggle? Jiggle! And why is jello so wiggly and jiggly? Jello is so wiggly and jiggly because it's made with gelatin, which is formed with the protein molecules found in a fibrous material called collagen.
That can also be found in cream cheese, gravies, sausage, and marshmallows! That's right.
Marshmallows.
And what do you call a marshmallow with a layer of chocolate, sandwiched between two pieces of graham crackers at a campfire? A S'more! You damn right, Honey Bee, and I'm-a give you some more.
Now, what's the only thing blacker than a s'more that's not at a campfire? Chuck Berry.
Close, but blacker than that.
A Black Panther.
Now, the only panthers we know that ain't black are what? Pink! Now, everybody -- what's the theme from "The Pink Panther"? ALL: Da dunt, da dunk, da dunt, da dunt, da dunt Now rewind that and slow it down.
ALL: Da-dant, dad-ant, dad-ant -- Dead ant! And when an ant ain't dead, he lives in a colony, and another word for "Colony" is? A clan? Which is short for? Ku Klux Klan! Right.
So what they're really saying is The Black Panthers and the Klan took out Ringo! They're the only ones that wouldn't want to see a black willy inside a white lily! Honey Bee, you follow these fuck flicks.
When is the filming of this black-and-white chocolate fucktory.
Oh shit Black Dynamite -- I think it's tonight.
We got to do something quick, fast, and in a hurry, and we can't waste no time.
Honey Bee, Cream Corn, let's make like a banana and split.
That's it! The Black Panthers and the Klan took out Ringo! Dynamite! Dynamite! A-a-a-a-and action! Ladies, hold your breast, make a wish, and count to three.
Willy Wanker's about to fulfill all your chocolate fantasies.
Come with me.
I will please.
In a world that's purely interracial.
On your knees, little sleaze, and you'll see when you perform fellatio.
The only way to make things proppa is to suck on my everlasting gobstoppa! You can suck it till tomorra and it'll never get smalla! I'll begin in your end With a swirl of chocolate penetration.
What you'll feel will exceed any Caucasian expectations.
Honkies, don't try this at home, 'cause you might break your bone.
[moans.]
If you want to feel paradise, simply drop your drawers and screw it.
Anything you want, we'll do it.
Want a ménage à trois? Ain't a damn thing to it.
Uh-oh.
Looks like too many umpa humpas in the rumpa.
There's no honky that I know that compares to willy and his wanker.
Once you go black, you won't go back.
Yes, it's true -- we do all pack.
[shotguns cock.]
Why don't you drop that black wanker, Willy? [guns cock.]
You heard the pecker -- drop the dick.
Put it on the floor.
Yeah.
This is good! Keep rolling.
This can't be the dream Martin Luther King had in sight.
When the Ku Klux Klan and Black Panthers would unite to fight.
That's "Black Pumas.
" Huey P.
already trademarked the panther.
As it turns out, not only was Huey P.
a hell of a revolutionary, he was also extremely litigious.
Now, the Black Pumas and the Ku Klux Klan members all over The world have worked too long and hard to establish our hatred for each other for you porn stars to come along with one interracial fuck flick and take it all away! Do you know how many lynchin's and cross-burnin's it took to get here? You have no idea what kind of sacrifices we've made, do you, boy? So yeah, we have come together for a short period of time to stop you counterrevolutionary motherfuckers.
'Cause once you open them black-on-white fuck gates They'll never be able to close.
Hang him by the balls, bubbah! Kiss your black willy goodbye, porn boy.
[gunshot.]
Dynamite! Dynamite! What the hell?! If you're wondering where the real crackers are, let's just say they're tied up.
[muffled groans.]
'Cause I tied 'em up.
From the look of things, I thought this would be the last time a motherfucker would hear me rhyme, but my main man, Black Dynamite, came right on time.
Now ain't the time for this Kumbaya shit.
Bullhorn, let's go integrate our feet in some racist ass! Yes! I love it! Roll the music! [funk music plays.]
Ahhhh! Wait! We all brothers! Suey! - No! [gunshot.]
Get her! Get her! Get her! Get her! Get her! [Klansmen groaning.]
BULLHORN: Sucka, take that! This mushroom dick in your ass! [thud.]
I'm sorry, Black Dynamite.
I was way out of my league.
Curiosity killed the cat, but Sweet Thr-- I mean, Bullhorn was almost murdered by greed.
It's okay, Bullhorn.
I think the most important thing we learned is that, sometimes, having a giant johnson is just enough rope to hang yourself.
The moral of the day is, "Bullhorn shouldn't get paid for gettin' laid, because a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush or three in the tush.
" Wait -- was that the moral of the story? I thought it was not mixing pornos with friendships.
Or was that mixing pumas and crackers? No.
The moral was definitely "don't fuck with a white bitch, or you'll end up dead.
Dynamite! Dynamite! DIRECTOR: And cut! That's a wrap!
We've seen him in such films as "Big Trouble In Little Vagina," "Oceans 11 inches," "Enter The Shit Enter With A Dragon"! Give it up for my main man, Ringo-o-o-o-o Mandingo-o-o-o-o! This is my main man.
[women screaming, cheering.]
Put that ding-a-ling in ya mouth and see how it feel! Mandingo is in the house! Ding-a-ling, ding-a-ling, ding-a-ling! Throw your money, baby! Throw your money! Throw your money cash in the house, baby! Come on, baby! Yeah! Mandingo-o-o-o-o-o-o! [women screaming, cheering.]
[snaps fingers.]
[engine revs.]
[funk music plays.]
[tires screech.]
Hey, you need to watch the way you swervin'.
You're driving Ringo Mandingo, baby.
I'm about to star in the biggest porn film that's ever been seen.
I ain't got no insurance on this here thang between my legs.
You know what I'm sayin'? Wait.
Why are we in this alley? [brakes squeal.]
[chainsaw sputtering.]
[chainsaw revs.]
[screams.]
[splatter.]
Ohno He's Dynamite So dynamite Ooohhh, ooohhh Ooohhh Ahhhh He's Dynamite Dy-no, dy-no Ooohhh, ooohhh Oooohhhh Dynamite! Dynamite! This week I've never seen anything like it.
It's unbelievable.
It's a terrible scene.
Can't believe it.
Ah, look at this.
Damn.
I heard you had a murderous killin' last night, Chief Humphry Magilahorn, but this shit here looks intense.
That's right, Black Dynamite, it does look intense -- and it is.
My wife of 13 years just walked out on me, I forgot to put deodorant on, and I got hemorrhoids in my ass nipples.
Hemorrhoids in your ass nipples must make for painful farts, but I think what Black Dynamite's talkin' 'bout is all these chopped-up body parts.
Oh.
Yeah.
That.
I guess that's pretty bad, too.
This guy's body is all over the place.
There was a leg in the dumpster, a foot over there in a pile of shit and a -- Hey! What's this over here? Looks like a baby arm.
Cream Corn, that's no baby arm -- More like an elephant trunk.
That's Ringo Mandingo.
I'd recognize that tubesteak anywhere.
What?! [dramatic funk plays.]
Oh, no! Cousin Ringo! I'm so sad to see you go.
Bullhorn? You mean to tell me you're related to this Mandingo? Yes.
Ever since we were teeny-weeny, cousin Ringy's winky was long like a slinky.
Mama, look here! You gonna be amazed! I finished the school year with no missed days and 10 straight A's.
Uh, don't nobody care about your grades.
Bullhorn, I'm runnin' out of money for your Cousin Ringo.
Go upstairs and get your piggy bank so I can give him some mo' dough.
This is illegal somewhere.
[laughs.]
Yeah, even though my grades were the best and I could rhyme and sing, Ringo was the one who was blessed with the supersized ding-a-ling.
Aww.
I feel so sorry for you, Bullhorn.
I didn't know you were part of the itty-bitty committee.
At least you got a good personality.
Yeah, Ringo had it all, and with that thang, he could never lose.
I would give anything and my mama just to walk in his underoos.
Why would anyone want to kill a man with such a big dick? Hm.
As soon as a black shaft starts to rise, the man has to bring him down.
Can you dig it? Nah, Black Dynamite, it ain't the mans this time.
This is the work of a serial killer.
This makes the fourth black porn star this week.
They were all supposed to be in that new interracial skin flick.
Ladies and gentlemen, we've seen horse on horse.
We've seen horse on girl, boy on girl, boy on boy, black boy on boy.
[laughs.]
We've seen white girl on horse.
And now we are about to break the last erotic taboo there is left -- The first black-on-white porn.
"Willy Wanker And The Chocolate Fucktory" Rated Triple-X.
AGENT: The first one to get picked off was Slappy Long Strokem, then Humpy Dangle Darth Invader Pelvis Pressly Dickie Jiggler and nowRingo Mandingo.
Whew! Now, that's a mouthful.
We need to do something.
Now, you stay out of this one, Black Dynamite.
We don't need your vigilante justice on this case.
Now, see there? I wasn't even gonna take the case.
But since you said notto take it, I'm-a take it.
Is that right? Wrong or right, right or wrong -- When a cracker tells Black Dynamite not to do something, he does it, Jack.
Well, in that case, don't go jump off a bridge, Black Dynamite.
Your reverse honky psychology don't work on me, Copper.
Black Dynamite's on the case.
[dramatic jazz plays.]
OFFICER: Hey, Chief! We found two bowling balls! Dynamite! Dynamite! [beep.]
MOVIE DIRECTOR: A-a-a-a-a-and action! Did somebody order a pizza? [giggling.]
Ooh.
I thought you would never come.
Now get in here and give me that anchovy.
- DIRECTOR: Cut! Cut! Cut! - PORN STAR: [groans.]
How many times do I have to tell you?! It's "Sausage"! An anchovy is not a euphemism for a penis! When have you ever heard a man refer to his wiener as a tiny, smelly fish?! - Um - DIRECTOR: Shutup! Everybody, take five! I thought "Anchovies" was a good choice.
Black Dynamite.
You finally changed your mind after all these years.
You ready to get back in the business? I thought I told you honkies from the adult-film industry that Black Dynamite don't hump on film no more.
Now, I don't mean to butt in on your butt flick, but I'm here to investigate some porn murders.
Have you seen anything abnormal around here lately? Hmph.
I wish I have.
That's the problem.
Everything here is too normal.
Porn has gotten so ass-boring nowadays, Black Dynamite.
I came over to this table to get me a little treat, but it turns out you pink toes are the one I want to eat.
[both chuckle seductively.]
I don't know how many places a man can stick his anchovy before it becomes redundant.
You mean "Sausage"? Whatever.
I need something different, something unique that hasn't been done before.
You're a bottom bitch, I'll betcha.
'Cause I'm the white pussy stretcher.
[both chuckle seductively.]
My dream was to do this "Willy Wanker" movie, but Ringo's dead, and those are some pretty big, black shorts to fill.
I'll break your heart.
Better watch out, girl.
I'm certified in cunnilingus in all corners of the world! [both squeal.]
[twinkle!.]
[all moaning.]
[twinkle!.]
Wow! Look at all those panties droppin'! In all my years in this business, I have never seen a penis do that -- not even Ringo's! It's the way he rhymes those words.
That's it! I'm gonna make you a star! A big, bright, black, shining star! Yes! This is good! I love it! That's wonderful, Bullhorn! You're gonna be famous, just like Ringo.
They say it's the motion of the ocean, not the size of the boat.
But I guess neither one matters when you got a sweet throat.
That should be your name -- "Sweet Throat" -- Kind of rolls off the tongue, like "Cream Corn.
" Okay, now.
We can't let all these sweet throats and panties distract us from our porn mission.
[music slows, stops.]
Oops.
Sorry.
Now, Bullhorn, I'm-a need you to go undercover -- Deeper than you ever been before.
I want you to pretend to be one of these fuckers so you can bring this sucker down.
Don't worry, Black Dynamite.
I'll go deeper than any deep-sea diver or oil driller.
I'll be the best undercover lover and find cousin Ringo's killer.
[twinkle!.]
Damn.
He's good.
Dynamite! Dynamite! Ladies, as you can see, I'm just an ordinary porn star fuckin' and suckin' for a check.
But would any of you professional hoes happen to know who rung Ringo Mandingds neck? [both moan.]
"Pipe Reams," take 4.
I'm too cool with a big Call your mama tonight! And when she answers the phone, tell her Mr.
Sweet Throat himself is layin' the windpipes just right.
[moans.]
[twinkle!.]
Yes! This is good! [telephone rings.]
Hello? Is it me you're lookin' for'? Bullhorn, what's the skinny? You find this serial-killin' turkey yet? Sorry, Black Dynamite, but I ain't got no time to waste.
Right about now, Sweet Throat has to get back on the case.
BLACK DYNAMITE: Well, let me know if you need some help, because I ain't really doing shit right now.
[click, dial tone.]
TELEPHONE OPERATOR: We're sorry.
If you'd like -- Black Dynamite ain't used to waiting for nobody to do nothing.
I got to think of something to take my mind off of all this thinking.
"Facial Delivery," take 2.
Special delivery for Ms.
Mary Mack.
I can give it to you here in the front or I can put it in the back.
[moans.]
[twinkle!.]
DIRECTOR: Yes! I love it! [shutters click, crowd cheers .]
[crowd chants "Sweet Throat!".]
Suey Suey Suey Suey Suey! "Spontaneous Cumbustin'," take 5.
Ma'am, I got a complaint that some pussy was stuck in a tree.
If anybody can get that cat, you can bet your vagingo it's gonna be me.
[moans.]
[twinkle!.]
MOVIE DIRECTOR: Oh, my God.
This is fucking gorgeous! [crowd cheering.]
Rack focus! Rack focus! Yes! I love it! [crowd chants "Sweet Throat!".]
Black Dynamite.
Black Dynamite! Black Dynamite!! Honey Bee, what did I tell you about interruptin' my jump-ropin'? Man, you got this place smellin' like hot-dog water.
You need to get out of this dojo.
You been here for two weeks.
[telephone rings.]
Hello? Black Dynamite, I know you told me not to interrupt your jump-roping, but this is getting really serious.
Please don't tell me another black dick is in the dirt.
No.
It's way, way worse than a black dick this time, Dynamite.
It's a white woman! [dramatic notes play.]
And she's white! [dramatic notes play.]
Chief Magilahorn, no disrespect, but crackers come and go.
What else you got? One more thing.
There's only two black porn stars left, and if somebody slays Isaac Layes then your man Bullhorn is next.
[dramatic funk plays.]
Damn.
With a sting like that, I know it's got to be some heavy shit.
Don't you worry, Chief.
You told me not to catch this turkey, so I promised to catch him.
[receiver clicks.]
Everything all right, B.
D.
? No.
Things are getting deeper and deeper within the thighs of this porn case, and I haven't heard a thing from Bullhorn this whole time I've been jumping this rope.
I'm sure everything's gonna be fine, Black Dynamite.
Give Bullhorn a chance.
He might surprise you.
But if he donTsurprise me, he might wake up dead.
Isaac Layes, being a porn star is better than sex.
All the fame, all the dames, all the motherfucking checks.
[laughs.]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's all right, I guess.
But I sure do miss your cousin Ringo.
You know, even though he did have a supersized ding-a-ling, He was always jealous of you 'cause you could rhyme and sing.
Hey, well, I'd love to hang out with you some more, Sweet Throat, but I gots to go read this "Willy Wanker" script.
You see, it was supposed to be Ringo's role, but since we're the only two black porn stars left, looks like we gettin' all the work from now on, baby.
[ominous music plays.]
You a bad motherfucker.
No, you a bad motherfucker.
No, you a bad mother-- shut yo' mouth! My grave -- Ca" you dig it? Dynamite! Dynamite! [engine idling.]
[engine revs.]
[funk music plays.]
Hold on to your hoohahs and your chachas, 'cause Sweet Throat gotcha! [women screaming, cheering.]
They call me Sweet Dick Willy, the three-hole filler 'cause I'm a thrilla in vanilla and the bedspring killer! [laughs.]
[laughing.]
Bullhorn, what kind of triple-x treachery has taken over you? "Bullhorn"? Man, I'm so loved and motherfuckin' rich! From now on, you call me "Sweet Throat," bitch! [laughs.]
I got a riddle for you tonight that's outta sight! What did the five fingers say to the black -- Dynamite! Dynamite! Security! Securityl! I need you to secure me! Suey! [high-pitched.]
Mama.
Bullhorn, I knew you was way in over your head, but it's worse than I thought.
You way in over your head and your body.
The only reason I wanted you to stick your dick in the porn business was to catch this serial killer with it.
But I see you're only using it to live the life.
Now, I know you're having fun making whoopee with your throat, but there's still a killer out there on the loose that has a bullet with "Bullhorn" written all over it.
Black Dynamite, you were blessed with the talent to fuck up a sucker.
I was blessed with the talent to rhyme "sucker" with "fucker".
I'm bigger than any serial killer could ever be.
So how 'bout you go solve crimes and kick ass and just let me be me? [siren wailing in distance.]
[slurping .]
It's my fault, Honey Bee.
I should have been the undercover dick in this porn case instead of Bullhorn, and then he wouldn't be experiencing the life.
Well, Black Dynamite, they do say experience is the best teacher.
Yeah, but somebody's got to teach experience.
Never mind.
It sounded deep when I thought it.
I just wish I could think deep about who this killer is so we can save Bullhorn.
Here you go, Black Dynamite.
Two orders of grits and jello.
Enjoy! [dramatic music plays.]
Wait.
Roscoe, say what you just said again.
"Enjoy"? No.
Before that.
"Two orders of grits and jello"? Before that.
"Here you go"? After that.
"Black Dynamite"? Yes! And what's on Black Dynamite's plate? Grits and jello? Exactly! Quick -- what does jello do, beside taste shitty with grits? Wiggle? Jiggle! And why is jello so wiggly and jiggly? Jello is so wiggly and jiggly because it's made with gelatin, which is formed with the protein molecules found in a fibrous material called collagen.
That can also be found in cream cheese, gravies, sausage, and marshmallows! That's right.
Marshmallows.
And what do you call a marshmallow with a layer of chocolate, sandwiched between two pieces of graham crackers at a campfire? A S'more! You damn right, Honey Bee, and I'm-a give you some more.
Now, what's the only thing blacker than a s'more that's not at a campfire? Chuck Berry.
Close, but blacker than that.
A Black Panther.
Now, the only panthers we know that ain't black are what? Pink! Now, everybody -- what's the theme from "The Pink Panther"? ALL: Da dunt, da dunk, da dunt, da dunt, da dunt Now rewind that and slow it down.
ALL: Da-dant, dad-ant, dad-ant -- Dead ant! And when an ant ain't dead, he lives in a colony, and another word for "Colony" is? A clan? Which is short for? Ku Klux Klan! Right.
So what they're really saying is The Black Panthers and the Klan took out Ringo! They're the only ones that wouldn't want to see a black willy inside a white lily! Honey Bee, you follow these fuck flicks.
When is the filming of this black-and-white chocolate fucktory.
Oh shit Black Dynamite -- I think it's tonight.
We got to do something quick, fast, and in a hurry, and we can't waste no time.
Honey Bee, Cream Corn, let's make like a banana and split.
That's it! The Black Panthers and the Klan took out Ringo! Dynamite! Dynamite! A-a-a-a-and action! Ladies, hold your breast, make a wish, and count to three.
Willy Wanker's about to fulfill all your chocolate fantasies.
Come with me.
I will please.
In a world that's purely interracial.
On your knees, little sleaze, and you'll see when you perform fellatio.
The only way to make things proppa is to suck on my everlasting gobstoppa! You can suck it till tomorra and it'll never get smalla! I'll begin in your end With a swirl of chocolate penetration.
What you'll feel will exceed any Caucasian expectations.
Honkies, don't try this at home, 'cause you might break your bone.
[moans.]
If you want to feel paradise, simply drop your drawers and screw it.
Anything you want, we'll do it.
Want a ménage à trois? Ain't a damn thing to it.
Uh-oh.
Looks like too many umpa humpas in the rumpa.
There's no honky that I know that compares to willy and his wanker.
Once you go black, you won't go back.
Yes, it's true -- we do all pack.
[shotguns cock.]
Why don't you drop that black wanker, Willy? [guns cock.]
You heard the pecker -- drop the dick.
Put it on the floor.
Yeah.
This is good! Keep rolling.
This can't be the dream Martin Luther King had in sight.
When the Ku Klux Klan and Black Panthers would unite to fight.
That's "Black Pumas.
" Huey P.
already trademarked the panther.
As it turns out, not only was Huey P.
a hell of a revolutionary, he was also extremely litigious.
Now, the Black Pumas and the Ku Klux Klan members all over The world have worked too long and hard to establish our hatred for each other for you porn stars to come along with one interracial fuck flick and take it all away! Do you know how many lynchin's and cross-burnin's it took to get here? You have no idea what kind of sacrifices we've made, do you, boy? So yeah, we have come together for a short period of time to stop you counterrevolutionary motherfuckers.
'Cause once you open them black-on-white fuck gates They'll never be able to close.
Hang him by the balls, bubbah! Kiss your black willy goodbye, porn boy.
[gunshot.]
Dynamite! Dynamite! What the hell?! If you're wondering where the real crackers are, let's just say they're tied up.
[muffled groans.]
'Cause I tied 'em up.
From the look of things, I thought this would be the last time a motherfucker would hear me rhyme, but my main man, Black Dynamite, came right on time.
Now ain't the time for this Kumbaya shit.
Bullhorn, let's go integrate our feet in some racist ass! Yes! I love it! Roll the music! [funk music plays.]
Ahhhh! Wait! We all brothers! Suey! - No! [gunshot.]
Get her! Get her! Get her! Get her! Get her! [Klansmen groaning.]
BULLHORN: Sucka, take that! This mushroom dick in your ass! [thud.]
I'm sorry, Black Dynamite.
I was way out of my league.
Curiosity killed the cat, but Sweet Thr-- I mean, Bullhorn was almost murdered by greed.
It's okay, Bullhorn.
I think the most important thing we learned is that, sometimes, having a giant johnson is just enough rope to hang yourself.
The moral of the day is, "Bullhorn shouldn't get paid for gettin' laid, because a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush or three in the tush.
" Wait -- was that the moral of the story? I thought it was not mixing pornos with friendships.
Or was that mixing pumas and crackers? No.
The moral was definitely "don't fuck with a white bitch, or you'll end up dead.
Dynamite! Dynamite! DIRECTOR: And cut! That's a wrap!