Black-ish (2014) s01e02 Episode Script
The Talk
Dre: Every garage eventually turns into a family museum full of forgotten treasures.
Oh-ho, babe! Look what I found! - (Gasps) - The twins' onesies from our "we're in the White House" party! - So cute.
Wow.
- Oh, wow! I spilled a whole lot of kir royale on our babies.
(Laughs) And mixed in with all those memories, there's always something that's better off left buried.
Babe, this entire box is filled with your hair experiments.
Look at this.
Oh, relaxer.
(Laughs) All your picks.
(Laughs) Styling "gelée.
" - It laid it down.
It laid it down.
- Yeah, it did, but it's gone now.
But every now and then, amidst the garbage, you stumble across that one timeless gem.
- Hey.
- Hmm? Look at this.
- Let me see.
- Junior's old mitt.
Oh, my goodness.
I remember the day I realized that he was not going to make me a proud father on the baseball field.
- Oh, wow.
They grow up so fast.
- I'm telling you.
Whoa, whoa, where are you going? I'm gonna go play catch with my son before it gets too late, like "cat's in the cradle.
" Hey, Junior! Look what I found in the garage! Your old baseball - Dad, no! No! - (Screams) (Screams) (Screaming) - (Groaning) - Go! Go! Turns out, the cat was out of the cradle, and it winked right at me.
SO1EO2 "The Talk" So, after you bailed on the garage, I gave everything to the gardener, so don't be surprised if you see Pedro wearing a Jheri Curl.
You okay, babe? You having a little traffic jam? I'm fine.
You pulled something playing catch yesterday, didn't you? (Scoffs) Stretching does not make you gay, Dre.
I accidentally walked in on Junior, as he was engaged In hand-to-gland combat.
(Chuckling) Oh, God.
He's been doing that for a while.
He was even afraid he was gonna break it from doing it too much.
- Adorable.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
He came to you with this? - Yeah.
When we had the talk.
- You and Junior had the talk without me? Babe, how could you keep me out of the sex-talk loop? Dre, please.
You are uptight with this kind of thing.
I mean, look at the way you wear a towel.
_ _ Just because you grew up in a houseful of naked hippies doesn't make you Dr.
Ruth.
My parents talked to us openly about everything, and that's why the kids come to me.
- Uh, hmm.
- It's what I do, and I do it pretty good.
Zoey hasn't said two words to you all month.
- She's going through a phase.
- Uh-huh.
She'll talk to me if it's about something big, unless you want to talk to her about her menstrual cramps.
- I just might.
- Okay.
Right after I get into the sex-talk loop with Junior - Mm-hmm.
- Hater.
- (Bottle sprays) - Ow! There's my boy A boy about to become a man with the sexual wisdom only a father can throw down After work.
I can't believe this is happening to me.
I'm devastated.
- Devastated! - Is everything okay, hon? - (Scoffs) Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
It's so not okay.
I mean, I'm seriously gonna cry all night.
Sounds kind of big.
You know you can always talk to me.
- I'm fine, mom.
- Okay.
Kill me.
I can honestly not I'm just saying, I'm that type of mom.
I'm very open.
You know, my parents never wore clothes, so (chuckles) It's nothing.
It's totally world-ending.
- Meet me in the bathroom.
Bring tissues.
- What (Sighs) He actually said that? Have a great day, sweetheart.
Hey, Dre.
How's life? Ah, well, this L.
A.
tourism account is really No, no, no, no, no.
Not work life Life life.
You are, uh you're part of my inner circle now.
Hearing that validates the struggle of my entire journey.
And H.
R.
says if I occasionally ask about your personal lives, it reduces the risk of an office shooting.
Okay, well, since you asked, you have a son, right? - Uh-huh.
- How did you go about giving him the talk? Oh, the "stop being rude to your It is a minefield.
No, no, no.
I mean the sex talk.
Oh, that was easier.
I just told him what my father told me.
- What? - "Out of state, out of mind.
" (Chuckles) You know, my pops never gave me the talk.
Hell, I didn't see him without his shoes on till I was 30.
Oh, well, don't worry, Dre.
You got this.
You'll figure it out.
You always do.
Mom I know I'm in your space.
Just ignore me while I put away all your clothes for you.
No, um, do you remember that thing I was talking about in the car this morning? Um I think so.
Maybe.
I could really use your advice.
Oh! Well, I'm sure I could squeeze you in before I go in there and scrape the boogers off Jack's headboard.
(Chuckles) Okay, well, listen to this craziness.
- So, this girl said I took - Rainbow: I knew she'd come to me.
Why wouldn't she? I'm such a good mom.
- (Speaking indistinctly) - She's lucky to have me.
"Zoey hasn't said two words to you all month.
" Suck it, Dre.
- Anyway, what should I do? - What, now? About everything I just said.
You got any advice? Uh whew.
(Chuckling) It's a lot to chew on.
It's like it's a lot of facets to this one.
You know, it's like a little diamond.
I'm gonna I'm gonna get back to you.
I'm gonna think about it, so okay? I'll be right back.
I'm gonna get back to you.
(Exhales sharply) - Oh, you tweaked your neck again, huh? - Huh? See, that's 'cause you don't stretch.
- I know it looks a little gay, but it works.
- What? I'm about to go upstairs and give Junior the talk.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, pops, - how come you never gave me the talk? - I most certainly did.
I mean, what do you think that box of condoms I left in your bedroom was about? That was it? Oh, you wanted a hug, too? Son, listen to me.
Don't get all caught up in this "have an open dialogue with your kids" hoopla.
It's not natural.
Show me one place in the Bible where a kid talks.
And for God's sake, put some shoes on.
(Scoffs) Dre: So, nobody was any help Pops, my boss.
I was on my own with Junior.
Hey, son! It's your father! I'm coming in in 5 4 Come in, dad.
Whoo.
Okay.
I'm sorry about yesterday.
I guess I should have locked the door.
All right.
No need to apologize.
You're a man, and that's what men do.
Not me as much.
Let's talk about it Anything and everything.
Let's get our sex talk on.
Oh, uh, mom covered it all pretty good.
Yeah, maybe about the birds and the bees, but I'm your daddy, son, and I'm here to keep it one hundred.
All right, despite the fact that your mother thinks I'm uptight.
Cray-cray, right? (Chuckles) I'm comfortable.
(Chuckles) I'm gonna show you how comfortable I am.
Mm-hmm.
(Sighing) What's that? Just a comfortable man with no shirt on, talking to his son about nasty stuff.
(Chuckles) Ooh, really feeling the A.
C.
in here.
Am I standing under a vent? (Indistinct conversation in distance) Trying to do telekinesis again? You don't have it.
I left my karaoke mike in there, but I heard dad's giving Junior "the talk.
" What talk? I don't know.
So, let's talk next level.
So, what's it like, having sex? Whoa! Just gonna Just gonna jump right in there like that, huh, son? Okay, uh, I guess we're really doing this, huh? Let me figure this out.
Uh Well, where do we start? Body spray.
Bad name.
All right? Son, if you want to attract a woman, you never spray this on your body.
All right? You just spray it in the air like that.
And you walk through it.
Whoo! (Chuckles) That's cold.
(Chuckles) Kind of tingles when you're topless.
You getting all this, son? You need a notebook or something? I want the talk.
Me too.
I need the talk.
I think he's getting it because he's always in his room with the door closed.
Oh, really? Well, three can play at that game.
Now what? Now we wait.
But your date could keep kosher, so don't lean too heavy on the Oyster card.
All right? Hey, don't worry.
It all gets easier when you can drink.
You don't have to raise your hand, son.
Dad, I appreciate all this advanced dating advice, - but there's other stuff.
- Hmm.
Okay.
I heard some kids talking about oral.
Oh.
Okay.
Um I would stay away from that.
You know, a kid like you with wheat allergies.
All right, um So, show me which one of your crew has the most busted face.
Okay? Because that's gonna be your wingman.
By yourself, you're beautiful.
But next to him, you'll be Denzel Clooney Kodjoe chestnut.
(Grunting) 1 2 3.
Okay, I just needed to do three.
Finally, son, when it comes to movie dates, never pick a movie that'll make you cry.
That means no urban coming-of-age stories.
The brother always gets shot at the end.
Good talk, son.
(Door opens) Nailed it! So, after a day of dishing out sweet knowledge to my boy, I rewarded myself with a cinnamon stick while letting bow chew on her defeat.
The boy drank deep from the Dre well today, baby.
I will accept my apology in words or (Clicks tongue) Apology for what? Because somebody said that I couldn't do it, that it wasn't in me, but it is.
Now, who do I e-mail to give a T.
E.
Di.
sex talk? - So, what did you talk about? - The fundamentals.
Like what? - Signature fragrance boom.
- Mm-hmm.
Fly outfits boom.
And how to navigate urban terrain double boom.
(Chuckles) Great, so you taught our kid how to be a pimp? Baby, I think you're confusing "pimp" with "player.
" You know, that's a common two-parent-home mistake.
So, basically, Junior had a heart-to-heart with ice-t.
Babe, I had the sex talk with our son, shirt off.
Why was your shirt off? Because I'm free.
(Laughing) You're not free.
- Oh, you're laughing.
Okay.
- I'm laughing.
Well, if you want a good-night kiss, you know where to find me and my sweet cinnamony lips.
(Sighs) You're really not gonna come over here and get none? Babe, they're like two baked apples just lying on my face.
We've been in here for a whole day, and no one's given us the talk.
(Scoffs) That's it.
Time to make something happen.
Plus, I really got to pee.
(Sighs) - Hey! - Hey.
Hey, so, I was thinking really hard about everything that you told me yesterday about (Slurping coffee) Hmm? - What are you talking about? - Mm, mm.
It's just that, you know, with all the The craziness about (Muffled) You know? So hmm? (Speaking indistinctly) - Mom? - No? Hmm? It's super rude to talk with food in your mouth.
Of course, yes.
- I mean, you know? - (Cellphone vibrating) - Hmm.
- Oh.
(Chuckles) - More drama from you-know-who.
- (Muffled) Oh, I know who.
I you don't have to tell me about them.
(Sighs) - Mom? - Hmm? We're wondering if we could talk You know, "talk" because Not now.
I'm trying to be a good mom who listens better.
Maybe we should do something to get the talk.
Something good or something bad? You take good.
I'll take bad.
- I want bad! - We'll flip for it.
Heads, I win.
Tails, you lose.
Deal! Come on, heads! No wait.
Tails! No wait.
Tails? There's a supreme satisfaction a man attains when he's opened the door of knowledge to his son.
Hey, dad, can we have another talk? What? But I may have accidentally opened a revolving door.
Hey, what are you doing? Our sex-talk ritual.
We had the sex talk yesterday, man.
Remember? I nailed it.
Yeah, but I just have some follow-up questions.
Ohh.
I heard these seniors talking about a position called the triceratops.
What is that, exactly? To be honest, son, I can't keep up with all that new stuff, especially being married.
Let's Google it.
T-r-i-s It's with a "C.
" Uh, don't care.
Auto correct.
Spelling is for suckers.
(Chuckles) Oh! Oh, delete! Delete search history! - Oh, my God! - What was it? - Can we talk about it? - Uh I have other questions, too.
Aren't you gonna take your shirt off? I'm a little too bloated to go shirtless right now.
I could go talk to mom.
Yeah.
Well, hey, hey, ho.
No, no.
Remember, I'm your guy.
(Sighs) All right, look, I'll meet you upstairs in an hour.
All right.
Just knock first.
Oh.
Oh, trust me, I will.
- Hate to say I told you so.
- No, you don't.
You would marry "I told you so" and have a baby with it and buy adjoining burial plots.
Just saying.
You opened Pandora's box and a triceratops jumped out.
(Laughs) So, she said those exact words? Ugh! I just want to scream! Oh, I feel you, sweetheart.
Oh, I mean, the whole thing just drives me nuts.
Ohh! (Sighs) But you know what? Sometimes it helps if you play the whole thing out from the other person's perspective.
You know, it'll help give you clarity so you can resolve it.
So, I, like, just think it all through from the other side? Yes.
Uh, but you want to, um You want to say it out loud so you hear the emotional nuances.
You know? That's the important part out loud.
Okay, so, here it goes.
So, last week, there's this girl named Zoey who has an Rainbow: I can't believe she fell for it.
Even when I'm a bad mom, I'm a great mom.
It's amazing how I can get anything out of anyone.
The C.
I.
A.
should be all moms Moms like me basically just me.
- (Chuckles) - There it is.
I never told anybody that last part.
Thoughts? - (Grunts) - _ Which is they call it a devil's threesome Unless you're in Prague, where it's just called "sex.
" (Grunts) That is absolutely, positively everything, son.
See? This is good multitasking.
'Cause two shirtless dudes just standing around, talking about sex, starts to look weird after a while.
Oh, wait, dad.
Just one more thing.
Please, Barbell, just slip and fall on my throat.
(Grunts) I'm just wondering.
When should I start manscaping? It's patchy, but I feel like things are gonna get crazy down there.
Sometimes I look around the locker room to gauge where I am on the spectrum.
I think hunter Kang-Nussbaum caught me peeking.
Then the lunch lady popped into my head.
I'm not even attracted to her, but now I have to avoid her line.
She serves the tater tots, so that kills me! - I love tater tots.
- Dre: This is hell.
I hate to admit it, but pops may have been right.
I've created a sex-talking monster.
But the other day, I actually cried afterwards Not from sadness, just from a lot of emotions, you know? He's not even asking questions anymore Just brutal, unfiltered, nonstop oversharing.
You know who really gets me there? Helen Mirren.
Is that weird? You know what? I don't even care.
(Laughs) After four days of hearing Junior's innermost sexual thoughts, you can color me done.
But I can't hurt his feelings by telling him that.
Junior: Hey, dad? - Let's talk about sex - (Grunts) So I'll just do everything in my power - It keeps coming up anyhow - To avoid him at all costs.
- Don't decoy, avoid, or make void the topic - (Laughs) - 'Cause that ain't gonna stop it - Oh, my God.
- Dad? Dad.
Let's talk about sex baby - Hey, do you think we could talk about - Let's talk about you and me - (Snoring) Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be let's talk about sex let's talk about sex let's talk about sex let's talk about sex Dre, what are you doing? Watching a movie on my phone, 'cause I'm hiding from my son.
What else would I be doing in the laundry room? - How long have you been in here? - How long is "The Godfather?" You know what? I can't judge you.
My mom game hit an all-time low with Zoey.
Could have been her bestie.
Completely blew it twice.
- Parenting is hard.
- Yeah.
Hey let's stay in here for the rest of the week.
You know what we could do while we're in here? What? Fold some clothes.
- I'm gonna go talk to Junior.
- What? (Sighs) Zoey? Hi.
Listen [Sighs.]
truth be told, because I was so excited about you telling me what was going on in your life, I have no idea what's going on in your life.
Yeah, I kind of picked up on that when you left me hanging for a week, so I talked to pops.
- You talked to pops? - Yeah, he gave me some awesome advice.
You should cherish him more.
Uh-huh.
Thank you, Zozo.
- Good night.
- Yeah.
Okay.
You have got to tell me what she said.
I have absolutely no idea.
I mean, I listened to her, gave her some generic advice in a deep, soothing voice.
I Morgan freeman-ed her.
- Hey.
- Oh, dad, I'm glad you're here.
- I've got some - Nope.
No.
I'm done.
Son, look, the last few days have been the most open and honest we've ever had And I hated it.
Hey, not you.
I love you.
Love you, son.
That's why I wanted to be a part of this.
I-I wanted to be in the loop But only for the big stuff.
I don't need the play-by-play.
- Oh, you mean like how I enjoy - Exactly.
Mnh.
Keep going to your mother with the day-to-day, all right? She lives for this stuff.
But the big stuff? I'm your guy.
I will always take my shirt off for you.
Um, dad, I talked to my friends about that, and that's not a thing.
Son It's our thing.
No, seriously, dad, it's weird.
Wow.
You're ninja-quiet.
I've been watching you, son Watching you try and connect up with Junior the last couple of days.
I have to say, it's embarrassing.
I hear you, pops.
What you're saying is, you regret never having the talk with me, which meant I didn't have the tools to have the talk with Junior.
That's not even close to what I'm saying.
I get it.
You were busy working hard, providing for us, and communicating openly with your kids wasn't a priority for your generation.
Could have made it a priority.
Chose not to.
But you're proud of me for trying.
(Sighs) Every day.
Wow.
That was a lot better than when he gave me a box of condoms.
So, Junior and pops Two moments of real personal growth.
Now, I know it might have been greedy, but I was gonna go for a third.
Dre this has gone too far.
- You haven't worn clothes for two days.
- Clothes are for suckers.
I'm gonna go outside and get the paper.
While you're out there, you might as well get the mail, too.
(Sighs) Do you realize we've gotten less attention in the last week by trying to get attention? I can't even get mom to comb my hair.
Well, if they're not gonna give us the talk, let's give it to each other.
We don't even know what the talk's about.
All I know is that you lower your voice [Deep voice.]
And sound serious.
I can do that.
(Normal voice) Okay.
Let's do it.
(Deep voice) Diane, I'd like to talk to you about the difference between jam and jelly.
- Now, I think - Unh.
Let me stop you right there.
You're boring me.
Oh-ho, babe! Look what I found! - (Gasps) - The twins' onesies from our "we're in the White House" party! - So cute.
Wow.
- Oh, wow! I spilled a whole lot of kir royale on our babies.
(Laughs) And mixed in with all those memories, there's always something that's better off left buried.
Babe, this entire box is filled with your hair experiments.
Look at this.
Oh, relaxer.
(Laughs) All your picks.
(Laughs) Styling "gelée.
" - It laid it down.
It laid it down.
- Yeah, it did, but it's gone now.
But every now and then, amidst the garbage, you stumble across that one timeless gem.
- Hey.
- Hmm? Look at this.
- Let me see.
- Junior's old mitt.
Oh, my goodness.
I remember the day I realized that he was not going to make me a proud father on the baseball field.
- Oh, wow.
They grow up so fast.
- I'm telling you.
Whoa, whoa, where are you going? I'm gonna go play catch with my son before it gets too late, like "cat's in the cradle.
" Hey, Junior! Look what I found in the garage! Your old baseball - Dad, no! No! - (Screams) (Screams) (Screaming) - (Groaning) - Go! Go! Turns out, the cat was out of the cradle, and it winked right at me.
SO1EO2 "The Talk" So, after you bailed on the garage, I gave everything to the gardener, so don't be surprised if you see Pedro wearing a Jheri Curl.
You okay, babe? You having a little traffic jam? I'm fine.
You pulled something playing catch yesterday, didn't you? (Scoffs) Stretching does not make you gay, Dre.
I accidentally walked in on Junior, as he was engaged In hand-to-gland combat.
(Chuckling) Oh, God.
He's been doing that for a while.
He was even afraid he was gonna break it from doing it too much.
- Adorable.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
He came to you with this? - Yeah.
When we had the talk.
- You and Junior had the talk without me? Babe, how could you keep me out of the sex-talk loop? Dre, please.
You are uptight with this kind of thing.
I mean, look at the way you wear a towel.
_ _ Just because you grew up in a houseful of naked hippies doesn't make you Dr.
Ruth.
My parents talked to us openly about everything, and that's why the kids come to me.
- Uh, hmm.
- It's what I do, and I do it pretty good.
Zoey hasn't said two words to you all month.
- She's going through a phase.
- Uh-huh.
She'll talk to me if it's about something big, unless you want to talk to her about her menstrual cramps.
- I just might.
- Okay.
Right after I get into the sex-talk loop with Junior - Mm-hmm.
- Hater.
- (Bottle sprays) - Ow! There's my boy A boy about to become a man with the sexual wisdom only a father can throw down After work.
I can't believe this is happening to me.
I'm devastated.
- Devastated! - Is everything okay, hon? - (Scoffs) Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
It's so not okay.
I mean, I'm seriously gonna cry all night.
Sounds kind of big.
You know you can always talk to me.
- I'm fine, mom.
- Okay.
Kill me.
I can honestly not I'm just saying, I'm that type of mom.
I'm very open.
You know, my parents never wore clothes, so (chuckles) It's nothing.
It's totally world-ending.
- Meet me in the bathroom.
Bring tissues.
- What (Sighs) He actually said that? Have a great day, sweetheart.
Hey, Dre.
How's life? Ah, well, this L.
A.
tourism account is really No, no, no, no, no.
Not work life Life life.
You are, uh you're part of my inner circle now.
Hearing that validates the struggle of my entire journey.
And H.
R.
says if I occasionally ask about your personal lives, it reduces the risk of an office shooting.
Okay, well, since you asked, you have a son, right? - Uh-huh.
- How did you go about giving him the talk? Oh, the "stop being rude to your It is a minefield.
No, no, no.
I mean the sex talk.
Oh, that was easier.
I just told him what my father told me.
- What? - "Out of state, out of mind.
" (Chuckles) You know, my pops never gave me the talk.
Hell, I didn't see him without his shoes on till I was 30.
Oh, well, don't worry, Dre.
You got this.
You'll figure it out.
You always do.
Mom I know I'm in your space.
Just ignore me while I put away all your clothes for you.
No, um, do you remember that thing I was talking about in the car this morning? Um I think so.
Maybe.
I could really use your advice.
Oh! Well, I'm sure I could squeeze you in before I go in there and scrape the boogers off Jack's headboard.
(Chuckles) Okay, well, listen to this craziness.
- So, this girl said I took - Rainbow: I knew she'd come to me.
Why wouldn't she? I'm such a good mom.
- (Speaking indistinctly) - She's lucky to have me.
"Zoey hasn't said two words to you all month.
" Suck it, Dre.
- Anyway, what should I do? - What, now? About everything I just said.
You got any advice? Uh whew.
(Chuckling) It's a lot to chew on.
It's like it's a lot of facets to this one.
You know, it's like a little diamond.
I'm gonna I'm gonna get back to you.
I'm gonna think about it, so okay? I'll be right back.
I'm gonna get back to you.
(Exhales sharply) - Oh, you tweaked your neck again, huh? - Huh? See, that's 'cause you don't stretch.
- I know it looks a little gay, but it works.
- What? I'm about to go upstairs and give Junior the talk.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, pops, - how come you never gave me the talk? - I most certainly did.
I mean, what do you think that box of condoms I left in your bedroom was about? That was it? Oh, you wanted a hug, too? Son, listen to me.
Don't get all caught up in this "have an open dialogue with your kids" hoopla.
It's not natural.
Show me one place in the Bible where a kid talks.
And for God's sake, put some shoes on.
(Scoffs) Dre: So, nobody was any help Pops, my boss.
I was on my own with Junior.
Hey, son! It's your father! I'm coming in in 5 4 Come in, dad.
Whoo.
Okay.
I'm sorry about yesterday.
I guess I should have locked the door.
All right.
No need to apologize.
You're a man, and that's what men do.
Not me as much.
Let's talk about it Anything and everything.
Let's get our sex talk on.
Oh, uh, mom covered it all pretty good.
Yeah, maybe about the birds and the bees, but I'm your daddy, son, and I'm here to keep it one hundred.
All right, despite the fact that your mother thinks I'm uptight.
Cray-cray, right? (Chuckles) I'm comfortable.
(Chuckles) I'm gonna show you how comfortable I am.
Mm-hmm.
(Sighing) What's that? Just a comfortable man with no shirt on, talking to his son about nasty stuff.
(Chuckles) Ooh, really feeling the A.
C.
in here.
Am I standing under a vent? (Indistinct conversation in distance) Trying to do telekinesis again? You don't have it.
I left my karaoke mike in there, but I heard dad's giving Junior "the talk.
" What talk? I don't know.
So, let's talk next level.
So, what's it like, having sex? Whoa! Just gonna Just gonna jump right in there like that, huh, son? Okay, uh, I guess we're really doing this, huh? Let me figure this out.
Uh Well, where do we start? Body spray.
Bad name.
All right? Son, if you want to attract a woman, you never spray this on your body.
All right? You just spray it in the air like that.
And you walk through it.
Whoo! (Chuckles) That's cold.
(Chuckles) Kind of tingles when you're topless.
You getting all this, son? You need a notebook or something? I want the talk.
Me too.
I need the talk.
I think he's getting it because he's always in his room with the door closed.
Oh, really? Well, three can play at that game.
Now what? Now we wait.
But your date could keep kosher, so don't lean too heavy on the Oyster card.
All right? Hey, don't worry.
It all gets easier when you can drink.
You don't have to raise your hand, son.
Dad, I appreciate all this advanced dating advice, - but there's other stuff.
- Hmm.
Okay.
I heard some kids talking about oral.
Oh.
Okay.
Um I would stay away from that.
You know, a kid like you with wheat allergies.
All right, um So, show me which one of your crew has the most busted face.
Okay? Because that's gonna be your wingman.
By yourself, you're beautiful.
But next to him, you'll be Denzel Clooney Kodjoe chestnut.
(Grunting) 1 2 3.
Okay, I just needed to do three.
Finally, son, when it comes to movie dates, never pick a movie that'll make you cry.
That means no urban coming-of-age stories.
The brother always gets shot at the end.
Good talk, son.
(Door opens) Nailed it! So, after a day of dishing out sweet knowledge to my boy, I rewarded myself with a cinnamon stick while letting bow chew on her defeat.
The boy drank deep from the Dre well today, baby.
I will accept my apology in words or (Clicks tongue) Apology for what? Because somebody said that I couldn't do it, that it wasn't in me, but it is.
Now, who do I e-mail to give a T.
E.
Di.
sex talk? - So, what did you talk about? - The fundamentals.
Like what? - Signature fragrance boom.
- Mm-hmm.
Fly outfits boom.
And how to navigate urban terrain double boom.
(Chuckles) Great, so you taught our kid how to be a pimp? Baby, I think you're confusing "pimp" with "player.
" You know, that's a common two-parent-home mistake.
So, basically, Junior had a heart-to-heart with ice-t.
Babe, I had the sex talk with our son, shirt off.
Why was your shirt off? Because I'm free.
(Laughing) You're not free.
- Oh, you're laughing.
Okay.
- I'm laughing.
Well, if you want a good-night kiss, you know where to find me and my sweet cinnamony lips.
(Sighs) You're really not gonna come over here and get none? Babe, they're like two baked apples just lying on my face.
We've been in here for a whole day, and no one's given us the talk.
(Scoffs) That's it.
Time to make something happen.
Plus, I really got to pee.
(Sighs) - Hey! - Hey.
Hey, so, I was thinking really hard about everything that you told me yesterday about (Slurping coffee) Hmm? - What are you talking about? - Mm, mm.
It's just that, you know, with all the The craziness about (Muffled) You know? So hmm? (Speaking indistinctly) - Mom? - No? Hmm? It's super rude to talk with food in your mouth.
Of course, yes.
- I mean, you know? - (Cellphone vibrating) - Hmm.
- Oh.
(Chuckles) - More drama from you-know-who.
- (Muffled) Oh, I know who.
I you don't have to tell me about them.
(Sighs) - Mom? - Hmm? We're wondering if we could talk You know, "talk" because Not now.
I'm trying to be a good mom who listens better.
Maybe we should do something to get the talk.
Something good or something bad? You take good.
I'll take bad.
- I want bad! - We'll flip for it.
Heads, I win.
Tails, you lose.
Deal! Come on, heads! No wait.
Tails! No wait.
Tails? There's a supreme satisfaction a man attains when he's opened the door of knowledge to his son.
Hey, dad, can we have another talk? What? But I may have accidentally opened a revolving door.
Hey, what are you doing? Our sex-talk ritual.
We had the sex talk yesterday, man.
Remember? I nailed it.
Yeah, but I just have some follow-up questions.
Ohh.
I heard these seniors talking about a position called the triceratops.
What is that, exactly? To be honest, son, I can't keep up with all that new stuff, especially being married.
Let's Google it.
T-r-i-s It's with a "C.
" Uh, don't care.
Auto correct.
Spelling is for suckers.
(Chuckles) Oh! Oh, delete! Delete search history! - Oh, my God! - What was it? - Can we talk about it? - Uh I have other questions, too.
Aren't you gonna take your shirt off? I'm a little too bloated to go shirtless right now.
I could go talk to mom.
Yeah.
Well, hey, hey, ho.
No, no.
Remember, I'm your guy.
(Sighs) All right, look, I'll meet you upstairs in an hour.
All right.
Just knock first.
Oh.
Oh, trust me, I will.
- Hate to say I told you so.
- No, you don't.
You would marry "I told you so" and have a baby with it and buy adjoining burial plots.
Just saying.
You opened Pandora's box and a triceratops jumped out.
(Laughs) So, she said those exact words? Ugh! I just want to scream! Oh, I feel you, sweetheart.
Oh, I mean, the whole thing just drives me nuts.
Ohh! (Sighs) But you know what? Sometimes it helps if you play the whole thing out from the other person's perspective.
You know, it'll help give you clarity so you can resolve it.
So, I, like, just think it all through from the other side? Yes.
Uh, but you want to, um You want to say it out loud so you hear the emotional nuances.
You know? That's the important part out loud.
Okay, so, here it goes.
So, last week, there's this girl named Zoey who has an Rainbow: I can't believe she fell for it.
Even when I'm a bad mom, I'm a great mom.
It's amazing how I can get anything out of anyone.
The C.
I.
A.
should be all moms Moms like me basically just me.
- (Chuckles) - There it is.
I never told anybody that last part.
Thoughts? - (Grunts) - _ Which is they call it a devil's threesome Unless you're in Prague, where it's just called "sex.
" (Grunts) That is absolutely, positively everything, son.
See? This is good multitasking.
'Cause two shirtless dudes just standing around, talking about sex, starts to look weird after a while.
Oh, wait, dad.
Just one more thing.
Please, Barbell, just slip and fall on my throat.
(Grunts) I'm just wondering.
When should I start manscaping? It's patchy, but I feel like things are gonna get crazy down there.
Sometimes I look around the locker room to gauge where I am on the spectrum.
I think hunter Kang-Nussbaum caught me peeking.
Then the lunch lady popped into my head.
I'm not even attracted to her, but now I have to avoid her line.
She serves the tater tots, so that kills me! - I love tater tots.
- Dre: This is hell.
I hate to admit it, but pops may have been right.
I've created a sex-talking monster.
But the other day, I actually cried afterwards Not from sadness, just from a lot of emotions, you know? He's not even asking questions anymore Just brutal, unfiltered, nonstop oversharing.
You know who really gets me there? Helen Mirren.
Is that weird? You know what? I don't even care.
(Laughs) After four days of hearing Junior's innermost sexual thoughts, you can color me done.
But I can't hurt his feelings by telling him that.
Junior: Hey, dad? - Let's talk about sex - (Grunts) So I'll just do everything in my power - It keeps coming up anyhow - To avoid him at all costs.
- Don't decoy, avoid, or make void the topic - (Laughs) - 'Cause that ain't gonna stop it - Oh, my God.
- Dad? Dad.
Let's talk about sex baby - Hey, do you think we could talk about - Let's talk about you and me - (Snoring) Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be let's talk about sex let's talk about sex let's talk about sex let's talk about sex Dre, what are you doing? Watching a movie on my phone, 'cause I'm hiding from my son.
What else would I be doing in the laundry room? - How long have you been in here? - How long is "The Godfather?" You know what? I can't judge you.
My mom game hit an all-time low with Zoey.
Could have been her bestie.
Completely blew it twice.
- Parenting is hard.
- Yeah.
Hey let's stay in here for the rest of the week.
You know what we could do while we're in here? What? Fold some clothes.
- I'm gonna go talk to Junior.
- What? (Sighs) Zoey? Hi.
Listen [Sighs.]
truth be told, because I was so excited about you telling me what was going on in your life, I have no idea what's going on in your life.
Yeah, I kind of picked up on that when you left me hanging for a week, so I talked to pops.
- You talked to pops? - Yeah, he gave me some awesome advice.
You should cherish him more.
Uh-huh.
Thank you, Zozo.
- Good night.
- Yeah.
Okay.
You have got to tell me what she said.
I have absolutely no idea.
I mean, I listened to her, gave her some generic advice in a deep, soothing voice.
I Morgan freeman-ed her.
- Hey.
- Oh, dad, I'm glad you're here.
- I've got some - Nope.
No.
I'm done.
Son, look, the last few days have been the most open and honest we've ever had And I hated it.
Hey, not you.
I love you.
Love you, son.
That's why I wanted to be a part of this.
I-I wanted to be in the loop But only for the big stuff.
I don't need the play-by-play.
- Oh, you mean like how I enjoy - Exactly.
Mnh.
Keep going to your mother with the day-to-day, all right? She lives for this stuff.
But the big stuff? I'm your guy.
I will always take my shirt off for you.
Um, dad, I talked to my friends about that, and that's not a thing.
Son It's our thing.
No, seriously, dad, it's weird.
Wow.
You're ninja-quiet.
I've been watching you, son Watching you try and connect up with Junior the last couple of days.
I have to say, it's embarrassing.
I hear you, pops.
What you're saying is, you regret never having the talk with me, which meant I didn't have the tools to have the talk with Junior.
That's not even close to what I'm saying.
I get it.
You were busy working hard, providing for us, and communicating openly with your kids wasn't a priority for your generation.
Could have made it a priority.
Chose not to.
But you're proud of me for trying.
(Sighs) Every day.
Wow.
That was a lot better than when he gave me a box of condoms.
So, Junior and pops Two moments of real personal growth.
Now, I know it might have been greedy, but I was gonna go for a third.
Dre this has gone too far.
- You haven't worn clothes for two days.
- Clothes are for suckers.
I'm gonna go outside and get the paper.
While you're out there, you might as well get the mail, too.
(Sighs) Do you realize we've gotten less attention in the last week by trying to get attention? I can't even get mom to comb my hair.
Well, if they're not gonna give us the talk, let's give it to each other.
We don't even know what the talk's about.
All I know is that you lower your voice [Deep voice.]
And sound serious.
I can do that.
(Normal voice) Okay.
Let's do it.
(Deep voice) Diane, I'd like to talk to you about the difference between jam and jelly.
- Now, I think - Unh.
Let me stop you right there.
You're boring me.