Black Jesus (2014) s01e02 Episode Script

1 You need to find another place to be a bum at, homey! This is my complex! I run this! Chill out Vic, man.
Wash your feet.
What? You look like one of them niggas from Australia.
Nigga, you smoke all the weed.
But what happened to us getting up off our ass and growing our own bud, though the community garden? Nigga, this is Southwest Compton, I ain't trying to be no Goddamn farmer.
Man, we're going to East L.
A.
to pick up a brick.
And check it out my mom's paying.
Jesus, my clientele come to me for the best weed.
And I hear these guys got the best weed.
Surprise.
Get you bitch ass out the car! Hurry up! Do you gentlemen consent to a quick search? Yes, sir! Looks like 2G's.
Pleasure doing business with you bitches.
Yeah, but what about my mom money? Although we ain't got your mom's money, what we do have is the love of God and out integrity.
Act right, 'cause the sooner we get to work, the sooner we're gonna be Oh, shit! Hey! What the hell you doing in here?! Shoo, shoo! Shoo! Get out of here! Get out! What the hell is all this? Vic, you seen my goat? Your goat? Well, he was just up in my apartment, kicking everything over, spreading hoof and mouth disease all over the place.
My bad, Vic.
That little dude frolics hard, man.
I'm gonna keep a better eye on him next time.
Don't you think maybe you're taking this whole Jesus thing a little bit too far? Look, you got goats, chickens running all over the place.
This is Compton, nigga.
This ain't Jamaica.
I think you ought to pack this whole little fake nativity scene you got over here that you stole from the mall or wherever you got it from and find you one of them empty lots and go set up over there.
Aw, come on, Vic, man.
It's all right, man.
You're lucky I ain't a snitch, man, 'cause I'd have been had the cops come and hauled your ass off.
Matter of fact, next time I catch you at my complex It's gonna be punch-in-the-face time.
Vic, you would really punch me in my face? Hell, yeah, I'm really gonna punch you in your face! Even though I love you with all my heart? I'm gonna punch you in your face with all my heart.
This is fake, man.
You ain't no prophet.
You're a con man.
You don't love those guys.
You're living off 'em.
You are a parasite.
Hey, Vic, why you always look constipated, man? Yeah, yeah.
You got something to do with this? You got a lot of shit on your mind.
Two words, convict "lease violation.
" You're on notice, Nigga.
Hey, Vic, you do need more fiber in your diet, brah.
Your intestines look like some top ramen noodles that you cooked and they got hard again in a [bleep.]
up bowl.
That's it! Pops was speakin' through Vic when he kicked us out the courtyard.
Yeah, man! God's gonna shows us the perfect place to go, brah.
No, no.
I found the perfect place on Google Maps.
Who made Google, Tray? Sergey Brin and Larry Page.
Bitch! You wish! But who made them, Tray? He messin' with you, man.
No, their parents made them.
God made them, Tray! I mean you feel me? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, it's like he gave us the vision, dawg.
We're gonna find the perfect spot, man.
I can see it right now, man.
All kinds of vegetables.
We're gonna have like lettuce, cucumbers, Spanish onions Asparagus.
Asparagus.
What about the mother [bleep.]
weed, man? You ain't sayin' shit about the weed! Damn! Man! Of course we're gonna grow the weed, man, But we got to get the vegetables on deck to camouflage the weed! Well, you got to say that, man! Well, I'm telling you right now, man! Maggie got a plan on it.
She gonna hook the shit up.
Hey, Maggs! Yo, hold up! I'm dealing with this Facebook bitch.
Come on, Maggie! Why is this bitch trippin' because I wrote on her picture that she looks drunk? It's a party pic.
Tell me the bitch don't look drunk.
I mean, yeah, she look drunk, man, but that's beside the point, man.
The girl got alcoholism in her family.
You ain't got to talk about her like that.
So? I wrote "lol," Jesus.
Man, it was a joke.
Look.
Now she's writing on all my picks, talking about I'm a bitch, my face look stank, I got a washing-machine shape, and now these bitches are liking all her comments, man! Yo, you're omniscient.
Tell me her deepest, darkest secret so I can blast that on Facebook.
- Maggie - What? I ain't gonna be able to do it.
Man! Boonie, you're good with insults.
Give me something for this bitch.
Let me see, girlie.
Shit, boy, this bitch fine as a mother [bleep.]
What?! She got pregnant, she can keep it for real.
That's them half-breed babies.
Damn! Yeah, she's adorable.
Give me that.
What? Now this bitch says she gonna slap me when she see me next?! Bitch, you ain't ever seein' me, bitch! - You better let her know.
- Come at me, bitch! - Yeah! - Here's my location finder Bitch! - You know what I'm sayin, bitch! - You go, Maggs.
- Don't do that, Maggie.
- I'm gonna post it.
Man, why you pump her up? Post it.
Post that shit, bitch! Bitches be too scared to come to Compton anyway.
Yeah.
You know.
This is it! Oh, snap! Look, y'all! Whoo! This is the spot, man! It's the one Pops told me about! It's beautiful, ain't it? Hey, man, I buried my pit bull Biscuits up in there, man.
I know! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Isn't it trespassing? Hey, Jesus, hey, Tray's right, man.
I don't know about this 'hood, Jesus.
There's a lot of Mexicans around here.
Aw, man, stop your frettin', brah! This is the spot, man! Can't you feel it? I can! Yo, this is a lot bigger that what we budgeted for.
We're gonna need a lot more fertilizer.
Wait, wait, wait.
When did we get a budget? Well, we don't have one now, but, you know, our plan is to talk to a few investors.
What investors? What you talkin' 'bout, Jesus? So, now, you know, I'm gonna be straight with you, 'cause you know I'm a Christian woman and you are now and always will by my Lord and savior and I will love you until the day I die.
However, what I know about you is that you will [bleep.]
off some money in a heartbeat, and Ms.
Tudi cares very, very, much about her paper.
We respect that, Ms.
Tudi.
Mm-hmm.
Farming business.
What the hell I know about farming, huh? I know how to go to the store and buy food.
Now, that's what I know.
Which one of y'all niggas know about farming? You, Fish? Is that what they teachin' you niggas in jail now? 'Cause I know my idiot son don't know nothin' about farming.
The only this he know how to grow is fatter.
And, Maggie.
Uh, what? Child, I love you, but you're a hot mess.
And quit writing that bullshit on Facebook.
We can all see that.
And Nigga, who are you? Huh? Always smilin'.
That's me.
Stop! $600 for fertilizer? Really? I mean, you got to look at it like this.
.
this is a major come-up, Ms.
Tudi.
You 'bout to get pounds of weed I mean, elbows, girl.
And on top of that, you're doing something good for the community.
Jesus, I don't give a shit about the community here, though I do need product.
All right, Maggie.
Handle the money.
That's what's up, Ms.
Tudi.
I'm a handle the product all the product.
And when I get my money back, then I'll share the profits.
And I got you on the muscle, Ms.
Tudi.
Word.
Hey, what you want me to do, Ma? Nothin'.
Bad luck, just like his father.
I wouldn't trust him to stack shit.
Lloyd! Lloyd! Lloyd! Vic, is that you? Yes, it is Lloyd.
How are you today, good sir? What the hell you care, and why you talkin' so sadity? Actually, I don't care, Lloyd.
The manner in which I'm speaking to you right now is the way that professional men conduct business.
I got a job for you, unless you're, uh, too busy sleeping in the middle of the sidewalk in the middle of the day.
Oh.
You mean, like, uh, work? Yeah, I mean, like, work like private-eye work.
One of your compatriots tall dude, got a perm, wears a dusty robe, hangs out with Fish.
Oh, yeah.
You're talking about Jesus Christ.
He ain't Jesus Christ, okay? He's just some crazy dude who thinks he's Jesus.
Oh, no, no, no.
He is Jesus Christ.
He's he's the son of God, kind of kings of the most high, God's only begotten son, sent down here to save our mortal souls from eternal damnation.
But you know what? That nigga ain't doing shit for me.
He ain't bought me no car.
He ain't paid my rent.
He's stingy.
Whatever.
I think he's a danger to the community, and I want you to keep an eye on him, follow him around, keep me posted on what's happening.
How much? $10 I sincerely apologize, but I have to turn down that bullshit-ass offer.
Nigga, you eat out of people's garbage! Yes, but now I'm employed as a professional lineman.
Lineman? Yes.
I wait in line for stuff.
Then I sell place in line to people who don't want to wait in line.
And they pay you for that? Yes lazy white boys, Japanese kids.
I got a iPad last week.
One time I got $500.
Are you serious? That right.
So, I apologize.
I have to turn down you little $10.
Okay, $20.
$50.
$25.
Deal.
I need some more minutes on my phone so I can report back to you.
And two big ass beers a day, per Diem.
Okay.
You ain't gonna try to play me and take my money and end up under the bridge drunk somewhere, are you? Oh, Vic.
I might be a man who takes a dump in a semi-public place every now and then, but I'm a man of my word.
I see Jesus all the time.
I'm gonna report back to you, I promise.
Deal? Go take a shower, man.
You want me clean, that's gonna be extra.
This little light of mine We gonna grow some pine Yes! Yes! Belief, belief, belief.
That's all I say all the time, man.
[bleep.]
With your boy, open up your heart, and let me in, man.
Trust in your boy.
It's gonna be all gravy, man.
This is gonna by wonderful, man.
You get money [bleep.]
with me.
You get money [bleep.]
with me.
You feel me? Hey, you ever heard of Steve Jobs? You ever heard of Steve Jobs? Co-founder of Apple.
Look.
Come here.
Come here.
Fish, That's why I [bleep.]
with him, but, of course, you don't know because he's on a higher echelon than you.
I'm just saying, brah, you want to know how he made the money? You want to know how he got it? 'Cause he gave it up to your boy.
All I'm saying, Fish the faith of a mustard seed of a mustard seed.
You don't believe me? That's all I ask.
If you're gonna [bleep.]
with me.
You got to believe, man.
Watch this.
Yeah! Whoo! That wasn't bad.
I told you! I knew it! Okay, going down.
Going down.
Going down.
Ooh.
You good G? Whoo! Back ain't been the same since I carried them fat girls across the River Nile, trying to get away from them soldiers, man.
Whoo! Them was some big old girls.
Well, all got to do is believe.
You got to believe in something.
Why not believe in me? Fix your face, Fish.
The hard stuff down now, dawg.
Let the easy work crack, dawg.
Plant, then we smoke it, then we eat.
Boy, it's finna go down! Good lookin', Maggie.
Thank you.
Friends! Jesus Negro? Orale pues! Que onda guey! Jesus Negro! What's up, my Mexican brothers, man? What can we do for y'all? Cerveza? Nothing.
It's already done.
You made us a soccer field, Pele, huh? Ole, ole, ole, ole No, no, no, compadre.
This ain't a soccer field, man.
It's just a community-service project on an empty lot.
I already talked to the people in the community, and they say it was cool, so don't even trip.
Oh, that's cool.
- That's nice.
- But nobody told us.
I mean, it's not like you did nothing bad, right? You just cleaned up the lot for the kids, the Ninos.
The community thanks you.
Ting! Check this out.
You might want to clear out.
It's really dangerous here around now.
It's dangerous time? Is that what you're saying? No, it ain't dangerous.
It ain't dangerous.
For real, Los trigger? You gonna come over here and try to play us out like that? This is a community garden, man.
Everybody gonna eat.
Did the community ask for this garden? No, but who don't like vegetables, dawg? I get my vegetables from the store.
But the good news is this lot just became available for rent.
Man, hold up.
That's extortion.
Is that what this is? Oh, you're really gonna extort your boy Jesus Christ, man Your Lord and savior? Hey, we're agnostic.
How much? $600.
Pesos? Very funny.
About as funny as that hyena laugh you got, little mini-me.
Ha! I know it sounds expensive, but check this out look what we've done to the place.
Man, you ain't done nothing with the place, man.
We fixed this place up.
And I heard when you was in jail, you was the chile dog king.
Know what I'm talking about? Get the [bleep.]
out of here with them Lee dungarees on and that Goddamn quenceneta bracelet.
All right, all right, all right, all right, lookit take your time, look around, and if your still here tomorrow, rent's due.
They didn't even say thank you for the beer.
Lloyd.
Lloyd speaking.
Yeah, it's me Vic.
What's going on? Hey, man.
I've been travelin', trailing him all day long let me tell you something, boy he bought sandals.
He bought ice cream.
He's done everything.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Yeah, I see him right now.
I'm behind some bushes with some binoculars.
He's rolling a blunt.
That's Jesus is something.
Let me tell you something, boy I'd like to follow him all day Is that so?! Ohhh! Vic! How you doing, buddy?! I knew I couldn't trust your raggedy ass.
Let me explain.
Let me explain.
Let you explain, huh? No, let me explain.
We have a contract an oral agreement okay? Vic, I'm going! I'm going right now! Let me tell you something you better stop thinking like a bum and start thinking like a hobo, okay? You know what a hobo is? A bum on the move! Let's go! Anybody want my spot for $30? Let's go! $30.
$20.
$20.
Come on, y'all.
Somebody take my spot for $20.
$20.
Somebody give me a chance.
$20.
$15.
$15.
A 40-ounce! Bums! Man, I told you couldn't just come to these esse hood and set up shop like everything's all cool.
Don't stress.
Fish, man.
Them dudes ain't gonna do nothing, man.
We're straight, man.
Yo, I believe $600 is way too much money, and that leaves us nothing for fertilizer, and that's just one month.
Maggie, we're gonna be cool.
We ain't gonna have to pay $600.
Trust me, man.
I swear, we're straight.
Well, if we're still here when they come back, man.
We're gonna have to pay them something or get up out of here, unless you want me to call some of my partners.
That's what you ain't gonna do.
No.
No violence, dawg.
You know I don't get down like that, Fish.
Man, that no-violence shit is your rule, not theirs.
You saw all damn tattoos? I don't mess with Mexicans who got more that two tattoo's.
Even Boonie drunk ass know better, man.
Do you all have any [bleep.]
faith, brah? Come on, man.
How long I been with y'all, man? Forever, brah! Have I ever let you down? I told you all Pops got a plan, man.
He gonna lead us through this, come on, man.
Bitch! It's your boy! Yo, your weave's fake.
You need a manicure, bitch.
Maggie! You better quit trippin' with them fish-head heifers and come get you some of this tilapia, girl.
This shit is good with that dill sauce.
What do you all want me to do, huh? Well, we was hoping to avoid violence Ha! Violence.
Avoid violence? Let me explain something to you.
You can either have violence with the Mexicans or you're gonna have violence with me if I don't get my shit the you promised it.
So, y'all need to make a decision.
I'm not gonna be extorted by anybody.
So, you decide who are you more afraid of them or me? You got me? So, how much bread we got left, Maggie? We got like $600 left for fertilizer.
Yo! What up, Maggie?! What up, bitch?! Here I go, bitch! Oh, shit! They came.
You know what? I dare you! What you talking now? Facebook bitches.
Stay in the car, Maggie.
Whup their ass! Whup their ass, Maggs! Yo, [bleep.]
y'all bitches! You think you're cool just 'cause you came over in a mini cooper? Hey, get that short bitch's phone number for me! Bitch! Aaaaaah! Yeah! Aaaaaaah! With your raggedy ass!! Aaaaaah! Ugh! Jesus, get off me! Check your Facebook, bitch! I got to check my phone, Jesus! I got to check my phone! Aaaah! Aaaaah! Aaah! Let it shine, let it shine See, J? God's work is more important than man's work.
Get some singing lessons, Jesus.
He ain't got the holy voice.
All that hate don't look good on you all, dawg.
Jesus! Brother from another mother! How you doing, my brother? Hey.
Good morning, Lloyd.
What's going on? What you got going on? I'm just enjoying this life.
Whoo! Ooh.
Y'all got a little taste here.
You mind if I get a little taste to keep the wolf off my back? Nigga, it's 7:00 in the morning.
Get your old drunk, dirty ass up out of there.
Chill out, Fish.
Let him chill.
Forget him.
Hater.
He's a hater.
This the first time he's been nice to me.
Let's see what he talkin' about.
You got it? Got what? The rent! I got a belt for your little ass.
Get up out of here, little punk.
You'll be sorry you said that! Whatever.
Man, I told you they was gonna come through here trippin'.
It's gonna be straight, Fish, man, I promise.
We're not straight.
It's not cool.
I got to take a whiz.
Hey, look we chillin', y'all.
Sin queso, mother [bleep.]
Get down! Get down! Get down! Go, go, go, go! Come on Lloyd! Come get some cover! I can't cut off my piss! You see me?! You see me?! Don't look at me! Come on, Lloyd! You better get some cover.
Quick, man! Come get behind me! Mother [bleep.]
- Aah! - Lloyd! Jesus, get him, man! Oh, what the Yo, man, you all right? Yeah, Holmes.
Hey, you throw a rock at my homey? That ain't very Christlike, dawg.
Hey, you really gonna come over here and try to pill our caps over a little funky-ass land?! No, we're gonna kill you our of respect! That's different! So, you either pay or get the [bleep.]
out.
Jesus Negro.
Give me the bread, Maggs.
Give me the bread, Maggs! Hey, hey, man, what you doing? It ain't nothin' but money, man.
Here.
Straight, trigger? We straight, spyder? Come on.
We're good.
We'll be back next month.
Hey! Feel better now, doesn't it? Hey, man, don't coming 'round here shooting at folks, man.
You might [bleep.]
hurt somebody, man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You all right? Yeah.
Man, you gonna let them fools come rob us, shoot at us, and then you're just gonna heal them and say it's all good? Fish, what's so hard about love and kindness? Forget this, man! Watch out! Yo, you can't buy fertilizer with kindness.
No fertilizer means no garden, G.
Come on, man.
You know we're on a mission from God, man.
This ain't nothin'.
Let's bring it in, man, so we can get it back together.
I trust you, G.
I know you do, Tray.
Ohh.
I'm telling you, whatever they're doing out there is big.
You should have seen it Gunshots, speeding cars, and the Mexican mafia! I knew it! Jesus, my ass! Knew he was up to something.
Good work, Lloyd.
You know, next week I want you Hey, hey, hey.
You can't be on my couch in these dirty clothes you've been wearing for two years, man! Get your funky ass up! Lloyd! I'll have to burn this blanket after you finish using it.
One night on the couch is just one night.
Guess I'll have to tough it out, 'cause I appreciate a job well done.
Mm-hmm.
Damn.