Bob Hearts Abishola (2019) s01e02 Episode Script
Nigerians Don't Do Useless Things
1 Previously on Bob Hearts Abishola We have a 50-year-old male, chest pains, labored breathing! Pretty.
Huh? - You look like an angel.
- Ah.
So, what happened? You had three stents put in.
- Is that a lot? - For a man your size, no.
Would you mind showing me your socks? Huh? Socks are my business.
Let me see.
Narvanis RD-75s.
That's a shame.
What is wrong with them? Oh, they're made on the cheap in Vietnam.
One wash, they get all droopy in the top band.
So yours are better? The Canadian Association of Chiropodists thinks so.
I'll get you a couple of pairs.
You'll see.
May I help you? Yes, I'm looking for Abishola.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Abishola is sleeping.
She worked very late.
What do you want with Abishola? - Hi.
- Hello.
I promised you the best-made socks in the world, and I am a man who keeps his promises.
- Thank you.
- So, uh, anyway, is, uh, today, like, a day off for you? Yes.
Goodbye.
"MaxDot Therapeutic Hosiery.
Robert J.
Wheeler, president.
" Hmm.
"Therapeutic hosiery.
" Mm.
Very fancy.
He was actually quite nice.
He said he didn't want to be a bother and, if I changed my mind, "the ball is in my court.
" - Oh, like in basketball.
- Mm.
No, no, it's tennis.
Have you seen how big this man is? He does not play tennis.
It's just a saying.
- What is? - "The ball in your court.
" It means she can call him.
Well, I'm not calling anybody.
I have work, I have school, I have my son.
I have no time for balls.
Well, there goes the second date.
- (chuckles) - What? Oh.
Shame on you.
I don't understand why you can't have a little fun with this guy.
What is it with you people and fun? - "You people"? - Americans.
Oh.
Well, I'll give you that.
Anyway, she has no time for fun.
Let's talk about marriage.
- I already have a husband.
- Ah.
(clicks tongue) You haven't seen him in, what, six, seven years? - Eight.
- Well, then, technically, he's dead.
Just think about how good your life would be if you married the president of a therapeutic hosiery company.
You sound just like my auntie and uncle.
Trust me, this a good match.
He could pay off your student loans, put Dele in a private school and then, because you have filled his life with love, he could buy Tunde and me a brand-new Ford F-150.
With turbocharge.
If you don't mind, can we please change the subject? - Sure.
- Okay, fine.
You ever slept with a white guy? (laughing) I thought we were changing the subject.
I thought so, too.
Okay, well, I've never been with anybody but my husband.
Who is dead! The thing you need to know about white men is they're very insecure 'cause of the whole black guy thing.
Yes.
They work very hard to make sure that you're having a pleasant time.
So if you want to get any sleep, - you have to compliment 'em.
- Mm-hmm.
Like "Good job, Steven.
Ooh, you hit the spot.
" Okay, I'm going back to work.
- Man, that girl is wrapped real tight.
- Eh.
She's a good Christian woman.
I'm sure you remember what that's like.
Mm-hmm.
So, you been going to church with Steven the Spot-Hitter? ("Ifanla" by Sola Akingbola playing) Any more chin chin? You've had enough.
I am still hungry.
I'll cook you some pounded yam when we get home.
Or we could stop at Wendy's.
There! That's him.
Oh, that is a nice car.
Cadillac.
The car Elvis drove.
You think it is a lease? If he's a smart businessman, it is.
- (alarm beeps) - Yes.
Tax-deductible.
Look at all the cars in the parking lot.
These are all his employees.
Their cars are not as nice.
Proving he is a smart businessman.
Yes, this will be a fine marriage for my niece.
For all of us.
Goes without saying.
We are a package deal.
(honking horn) You're in my spot! Oh, I-I'm very sorry! - Go, go.
- (chuckles) (stammers) Have a nice day! (shuts off engine) (grunts) Oh, God, I hate my life.
(coughing) DOTTIE: I'll be Seeing you In every lovely summer's day In everything that's light and gay I'll always think of you this way - (knocking at door) - BOB: Mom.
It's open.
I'll find you in the morning sun And when the night is new You getting ready for open mic night? You know what today is.
I do.
Exactly 25 years ago, your father suffered a massive heart attack and dropped dead on the loading dock.
Wow.
25 years.
Hey, what was he doing down on the loading dock anyway? (chuckles): Oh, you should've seen it.
The truck driver lost the manifest, so there was no way to check the shipment.
And your old man laid into that guy, screaming and yelling.
And then his eyes rolled back in his head, and he went straight up to heaven.
Yeah, I'm sorry I missed it.
Mom, don't you think his ashes should be at home? This is his home.
This business that he built with his blood, sweat and tears.
- I get it.
- Do you? 'Cause I don't see you screaming at anybody.
Hey, I just had my own heart attack.
Good point.
Credit where credit's due.
- Yeah.
- CHRISTINA: What's going on? It's the anniversary of Dad's heart attack.
Is that something we celebrate? Mom does.
Okay.
Well call me when you cut the cake.
Hey, uh, I should get back to work.
Say goodbye to Daddy.
Goodbye, Dad.
Goodbye, son.
Okay.
I'll be looking at the moon But I'll be seeing You DOUGLAS: Bob.
Bob, you got a second? Yeah.
What's up? We got a little problem.
Is it about how badly you stink of weed? Sorry.
Cashmere sweater.
Really holds on to the smoke.
What's your problem? I need my name painted on my parking space.
That's what you need, huh? It's a small thing, but it connotes respect.
Oh, it connotes respect.
Mm-hmm.
BOB: You know what, how 'bout we cut your friggin' head off, stick it on a pole near your parking spot and see if that connotes respect?! (exhales) Just like his father.
"Connote.
" I had so many chances to kill him - as a child.
- (car lock beeps) (sighs) ANNOUNCER: You're listening to 91.
5, Detroit's number one easy listening station.
Here's America's "A Horse with No Name.
" Nope.
(Edgar Winter's "Frankenstein" playing) What the? What are you doing? Drive! Ooh! (grunts) What do you want with Abishola? No.
Uh-oh.
- What? - The sock man is following us.
Oh, no.
What do we do? Punch it! (engine sputtering) - - - I think we are okay.
- (knocking at door) I don't think so.
- (knocking) - Shh.
BOB: Hello? Oh, this is your fault.
You had to see where he lived.
Hey, keep your voice down.
BOB: Too late.
May I help you? Why were you following me? We were not following you.
That was someone else.
Come on.
Quit screwing around.
Let's talk.
One moment, please.
- What should we do? - Shh.
Shh.
I'm-I'm thinking.
I'm thinking.
BOB: I can hear every word you're saying.
Your Cadillac is very nice.
Thanks.
Lease or own? It's a lease.
Good for you.
Here you go.
Earl Grey and Pepperidge Farm biscuits.
- Thank you.
- UNCLE TUNDE: No.
Thank you.
So, what are your intentions with my niece? Excuse me? Abishola is my sister's daughter.
I'm responsible for her well-being.
I have a right to know about the man who is pursuing her.
I'm not pursuing anybody.
We have the socks to prove otherwise.
Okay, fine.
I took a shot, but she wasn't interested.
End of story.
Doesn't matter what interests her.
We say when the story is over.
- I say.
- She says.
Tell me what is your credit score? (indistinct chatter) Ah.
What is this? He followed us home.
That is not what happened at all.
Dele, go to your room.
- But Mom - Now! Look, A-Abishola, I can explain.
No.
You explain nothing.
Auntie, Uncle, can we speak privately, please? Don't worry.
Uh, we are Team Bob.
(quietly): What is he doing here? We invited him for tea and biscuits to discuss whether a match could be made.
A match? I do not want a match.
It's not about what you want.
It's about what is good for the whole family.
And a Ford F-150.
You are swapping me for a car? UNCLE TUNDE: It is a truck.
A very good truck.
They do not know how to whisper.
- Hello? - Hey.
Did you bring socks again? No.
Then why are you here? You know, that's a heck of a question.
What's your name? Dele.
Hi, Dele.
- I'm Bob.
- Hello, Bob.
So, uh, what grade are you in? - Seventh.
- Cool.
Do you know what you want to be when you grow up? It doesn't matter what I want.
I'm going to be a doctor.
Okay, it is decided.
Abishola will have tea with you on Tuesday afternoon.
UNCLE TUNDE: During her break in a public place.
Uh, thanks, but that's not gonna work for me.
Monday morning, pancake breakfast.
Final offer.
Look, I'm not negotiating.
The only way I would spend time with Abishola is if she wants to.
Oh, this is bad.
Abishola? I will have tea with you.
Are you sure? 'Cause I don't want you to do anything against your will.
I said I will have tea with you.
Stop talking.
Yup.
Went right past the sale.
Well, uh, I should, uh I should get going.
Hey.
Uh, thank you for coming to visit.
Visit? Sure.
Okay, well, uh, bye.
Bye-bye.
(door closes) How wonderful is this! (laughing) Hello.
Hi.
Uh, I took a guess and got you decaf tea.
Why did you guess that? Well, you always seem a little wound up.
Here's your tea.
Thank you.
So, you're on a break? Yes.
We have 28 minutes.
So it's like speed dating? This is not a date.
No siree, Bob, it is not.
So, uh, you got any hobbies? No.
I am from Nigeria.
Nigerians don't do useless things.
You don't whisper, either.
(laughs) Okay, 27 minutes.
Do you have hobbies? Well, I used to, but, uh, since I got divorced, I spend most of my time working.
How long were you married? - 12 years.
- Children? We tried.
I tried.
She just laid there.
Excuse me? I'm sorry.
Uh, no kids.
So now your whole life is about making socks? Compression socks.
I'm a soldier in the war against phlebitis.
I'm curious.
Where did the company name, "MaxDot," come from? Well, my dad started the company.
And his name is Max, and my mom's name is Dottie, so, "MaxDot.
" Ah.
I thought it would be a better story.
(laughs) So what brought you to Detroit? I wanted a better life for me and my son.
I understand that, but why Detroit? I have family here.
Yeah, we've met.
What about your son's dad? Where's he at? He moved back to Nigeria.
How come? There, he's a civil engineer.
Here, he worked in a toll booth.
So he didn't like change? Nothing? Okay.
- So, so, you're divorced? - No.
But you're not together anymore? - No, we are not.
- But what if you meet someone? Isn't that a problem? It is not a problem yet.
- - (elevator bell dings) Thank you for walking me back.
Well, it is Detroit, and it's broad daylight so you can't be too careful.
Okay, uh, thank you again.
We can stop here.
Well, how come? What, you're embarrassed to be seen with a white guy? Yes.
Goodbye.
Look who found time for balls.
I'm going to Katmandu Up to the mountains where I'm going to And if I ever get out of here That's what I'm gonna do Oh, K-K-K-K-K-K-Katmandu.
(car lock beeps) Ah.
Turn out the lights.
You were right.
He has a beautiful home.
Yes.
We'll be very happy there.
We will.
(laughs) The first thing we must do is pull all the grass out and grow some vegetables.
Ah.
(chuckles) No.
You have to have the grass.
It tells people you are wealthy enough to grow something you cannot eat.
Well, could I grow some tomatoes in the backyard? As long as I don't smell fertilizer when I'm in the hot tub, can do whatever you want.
Well, where are you going? I'm going to take a picture of the house for our Christmas card.
Ah.
Turn off the flash!
Huh? - You look like an angel.
- Ah.
So, what happened? You had three stents put in.
- Is that a lot? - For a man your size, no.
Would you mind showing me your socks? Huh? Socks are my business.
Let me see.
Narvanis RD-75s.
That's a shame.
What is wrong with them? Oh, they're made on the cheap in Vietnam.
One wash, they get all droopy in the top band.
So yours are better? The Canadian Association of Chiropodists thinks so.
I'll get you a couple of pairs.
You'll see.
May I help you? Yes, I'm looking for Abishola.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Abishola is sleeping.
She worked very late.
What do you want with Abishola? - Hi.
- Hello.
I promised you the best-made socks in the world, and I am a man who keeps his promises.
- Thank you.
- So, uh, anyway, is, uh, today, like, a day off for you? Yes.
Goodbye.
"MaxDot Therapeutic Hosiery.
Robert J.
Wheeler, president.
" Hmm.
"Therapeutic hosiery.
" Mm.
Very fancy.
He was actually quite nice.
He said he didn't want to be a bother and, if I changed my mind, "the ball is in my court.
" - Oh, like in basketball.
- Mm.
No, no, it's tennis.
Have you seen how big this man is? He does not play tennis.
It's just a saying.
- What is? - "The ball in your court.
" It means she can call him.
Well, I'm not calling anybody.
I have work, I have school, I have my son.
I have no time for balls.
Well, there goes the second date.
- (chuckles) - What? Oh.
Shame on you.
I don't understand why you can't have a little fun with this guy.
What is it with you people and fun? - "You people"? - Americans.
Oh.
Well, I'll give you that.
Anyway, she has no time for fun.
Let's talk about marriage.
- I already have a husband.
- Ah.
(clicks tongue) You haven't seen him in, what, six, seven years? - Eight.
- Well, then, technically, he's dead.
Just think about how good your life would be if you married the president of a therapeutic hosiery company.
You sound just like my auntie and uncle.
Trust me, this a good match.
He could pay off your student loans, put Dele in a private school and then, because you have filled his life with love, he could buy Tunde and me a brand-new Ford F-150.
With turbocharge.
If you don't mind, can we please change the subject? - Sure.
- Okay, fine.
You ever slept with a white guy? (laughing) I thought we were changing the subject.
I thought so, too.
Okay, well, I've never been with anybody but my husband.
Who is dead! The thing you need to know about white men is they're very insecure 'cause of the whole black guy thing.
Yes.
They work very hard to make sure that you're having a pleasant time.
So if you want to get any sleep, - you have to compliment 'em.
- Mm-hmm.
Like "Good job, Steven.
Ooh, you hit the spot.
" Okay, I'm going back to work.
- Man, that girl is wrapped real tight.
- Eh.
She's a good Christian woman.
I'm sure you remember what that's like.
Mm-hmm.
So, you been going to church with Steven the Spot-Hitter? ("Ifanla" by Sola Akingbola playing) Any more chin chin? You've had enough.
I am still hungry.
I'll cook you some pounded yam when we get home.
Or we could stop at Wendy's.
There! That's him.
Oh, that is a nice car.
Cadillac.
The car Elvis drove.
You think it is a lease? If he's a smart businessman, it is.
- (alarm beeps) - Yes.
Tax-deductible.
Look at all the cars in the parking lot.
These are all his employees.
Their cars are not as nice.
Proving he is a smart businessman.
Yes, this will be a fine marriage for my niece.
For all of us.
Goes without saying.
We are a package deal.
(honking horn) You're in my spot! Oh, I-I'm very sorry! - Go, go.
- (chuckles) (stammers) Have a nice day! (shuts off engine) (grunts) Oh, God, I hate my life.
(coughing) DOTTIE: I'll be Seeing you In every lovely summer's day In everything that's light and gay I'll always think of you this way - (knocking at door) - BOB: Mom.
It's open.
I'll find you in the morning sun And when the night is new You getting ready for open mic night? You know what today is.
I do.
Exactly 25 years ago, your father suffered a massive heart attack and dropped dead on the loading dock.
Wow.
25 years.
Hey, what was he doing down on the loading dock anyway? (chuckles): Oh, you should've seen it.
The truck driver lost the manifest, so there was no way to check the shipment.
And your old man laid into that guy, screaming and yelling.
And then his eyes rolled back in his head, and he went straight up to heaven.
Yeah, I'm sorry I missed it.
Mom, don't you think his ashes should be at home? This is his home.
This business that he built with his blood, sweat and tears.
- I get it.
- Do you? 'Cause I don't see you screaming at anybody.
Hey, I just had my own heart attack.
Good point.
Credit where credit's due.
- Yeah.
- CHRISTINA: What's going on? It's the anniversary of Dad's heart attack.
Is that something we celebrate? Mom does.
Okay.
Well call me when you cut the cake.
Hey, uh, I should get back to work.
Say goodbye to Daddy.
Goodbye, Dad.
Goodbye, son.
Okay.
I'll be looking at the moon But I'll be seeing You DOUGLAS: Bob.
Bob, you got a second? Yeah.
What's up? We got a little problem.
Is it about how badly you stink of weed? Sorry.
Cashmere sweater.
Really holds on to the smoke.
What's your problem? I need my name painted on my parking space.
That's what you need, huh? It's a small thing, but it connotes respect.
Oh, it connotes respect.
Mm-hmm.
BOB: You know what, how 'bout we cut your friggin' head off, stick it on a pole near your parking spot and see if that connotes respect?! (exhales) Just like his father.
"Connote.
" I had so many chances to kill him - as a child.
- (car lock beeps) (sighs) ANNOUNCER: You're listening to 91.
5, Detroit's number one easy listening station.
Here's America's "A Horse with No Name.
" Nope.
(Edgar Winter's "Frankenstein" playing) What the? What are you doing? Drive! Ooh! (grunts) What do you want with Abishola? No.
Uh-oh.
- What? - The sock man is following us.
Oh, no.
What do we do? Punch it! (engine sputtering) - - - I think we are okay.
- (knocking at door) I don't think so.
- (knocking) - Shh.
BOB: Hello? Oh, this is your fault.
You had to see where he lived.
Hey, keep your voice down.
BOB: Too late.
May I help you? Why were you following me? We were not following you.
That was someone else.
Come on.
Quit screwing around.
Let's talk.
One moment, please.
- What should we do? - Shh.
Shh.
I'm-I'm thinking.
I'm thinking.
BOB: I can hear every word you're saying.
Your Cadillac is very nice.
Thanks.
Lease or own? It's a lease.
Good for you.
Here you go.
Earl Grey and Pepperidge Farm biscuits.
- Thank you.
- UNCLE TUNDE: No.
Thank you.
So, what are your intentions with my niece? Excuse me? Abishola is my sister's daughter.
I'm responsible for her well-being.
I have a right to know about the man who is pursuing her.
I'm not pursuing anybody.
We have the socks to prove otherwise.
Okay, fine.
I took a shot, but she wasn't interested.
End of story.
Doesn't matter what interests her.
We say when the story is over.
- I say.
- She says.
Tell me what is your credit score? (indistinct chatter) Ah.
What is this? He followed us home.
That is not what happened at all.
Dele, go to your room.
- But Mom - Now! Look, A-Abishola, I can explain.
No.
You explain nothing.
Auntie, Uncle, can we speak privately, please? Don't worry.
Uh, we are Team Bob.
(quietly): What is he doing here? We invited him for tea and biscuits to discuss whether a match could be made.
A match? I do not want a match.
It's not about what you want.
It's about what is good for the whole family.
And a Ford F-150.
You are swapping me for a car? UNCLE TUNDE: It is a truck.
A very good truck.
They do not know how to whisper.
- Hello? - Hey.
Did you bring socks again? No.
Then why are you here? You know, that's a heck of a question.
What's your name? Dele.
Hi, Dele.
- I'm Bob.
- Hello, Bob.
So, uh, what grade are you in? - Seventh.
- Cool.
Do you know what you want to be when you grow up? It doesn't matter what I want.
I'm going to be a doctor.
Okay, it is decided.
Abishola will have tea with you on Tuesday afternoon.
UNCLE TUNDE: During her break in a public place.
Uh, thanks, but that's not gonna work for me.
Monday morning, pancake breakfast.
Final offer.
Look, I'm not negotiating.
The only way I would spend time with Abishola is if she wants to.
Oh, this is bad.
Abishola? I will have tea with you.
Are you sure? 'Cause I don't want you to do anything against your will.
I said I will have tea with you.
Stop talking.
Yup.
Went right past the sale.
Well, uh, I should, uh I should get going.
Hey.
Uh, thank you for coming to visit.
Visit? Sure.
Okay, well, uh, bye.
Bye-bye.
(door closes) How wonderful is this! (laughing) Hello.
Hi.
Uh, I took a guess and got you decaf tea.
Why did you guess that? Well, you always seem a little wound up.
Here's your tea.
Thank you.
So, you're on a break? Yes.
We have 28 minutes.
So it's like speed dating? This is not a date.
No siree, Bob, it is not.
So, uh, you got any hobbies? No.
I am from Nigeria.
Nigerians don't do useless things.
You don't whisper, either.
(laughs) Okay, 27 minutes.
Do you have hobbies? Well, I used to, but, uh, since I got divorced, I spend most of my time working.
How long were you married? - 12 years.
- Children? We tried.
I tried.
She just laid there.
Excuse me? I'm sorry.
Uh, no kids.
So now your whole life is about making socks? Compression socks.
I'm a soldier in the war against phlebitis.
I'm curious.
Where did the company name, "MaxDot," come from? Well, my dad started the company.
And his name is Max, and my mom's name is Dottie, so, "MaxDot.
" Ah.
I thought it would be a better story.
(laughs) So what brought you to Detroit? I wanted a better life for me and my son.
I understand that, but why Detroit? I have family here.
Yeah, we've met.
What about your son's dad? Where's he at? He moved back to Nigeria.
How come? There, he's a civil engineer.
Here, he worked in a toll booth.
So he didn't like change? Nothing? Okay.
- So, so, you're divorced? - No.
But you're not together anymore? - No, we are not.
- But what if you meet someone? Isn't that a problem? It is not a problem yet.
- - (elevator bell dings) Thank you for walking me back.
Well, it is Detroit, and it's broad daylight so you can't be too careful.
Okay, uh, thank you again.
We can stop here.
Well, how come? What, you're embarrassed to be seen with a white guy? Yes.
Goodbye.
Look who found time for balls.
I'm going to Katmandu Up to the mountains where I'm going to And if I ever get out of here That's what I'm gonna do Oh, K-K-K-K-K-K-Katmandu.
(car lock beeps) Ah.
Turn out the lights.
You were right.
He has a beautiful home.
Yes.
We'll be very happy there.
We will.
(laughs) The first thing we must do is pull all the grass out and grow some vegetables.
Ah.
(chuckles) No.
You have to have the grass.
It tells people you are wealthy enough to grow something you cannot eat.
Well, could I grow some tomatoes in the backyard? As long as I don't smell fertilizer when I'm in the hot tub, can do whatever you want.
Well, where are you going? I'm going to take a picture of the house for our Christmas card.
Ah.
Turn off the flash!