Boo, Bitch (2022) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Erika?
Erika?
- Erika, are you okay?
- Holy shit show.
I had a freaky death dream,
and I saw my own dead body.
I was squish-squashed
like Spam jam under a moose,
but all I could see were my feet.
And in the dream, I vaguely remember
a truck that hit the moose
that I guess hit me. God, it felt so real.
You know, maybe I should go on Wellbutrin.
Not sure Wellbutrin will help anymore.
You are under a moose.
Oh God! Oh God, what happened?
- You passed out.
- No.
What happened under the moose?
Oh, I don't know. I don't know.
It looks like you're, uh you're, uh
This is just a dream.
This is just a really bad dream.
It's It's not real.
It's an aftereffect
of all the shit that we did last night.
- We're having a shared hallucination.
- Ooh! Yeah, that's fun.
No. No, it's you. I checked.
Shit.
This is real?
How How am I there
and still here?
What am I?
Am I a ghost?
Or a highly visible apparition?
I I'm not an expert.
I feel like I can't breathe but I can.
And really I need to pee. Do ghosts pee?
Okay.
I'm peeing and my head is throbbing.
I feel so strange.
You are hungover.
You've never been hungover before.
- From the party or the death?
- Probably both.
This doesn't make sense.
How could I be dead and still peeing?
And when did it get so cold?
- Dying is a lot.
- Gia, I must be a ghost.
Wait.
Oh my God.
I can feel you, and you can feel me.
- And I can pee.
- And you can pee.
Which has to mean
No idea.
How did I end up in my bed this morning?
Okay, did I die and then morph home?
- How did you get home?
- Dunno.
All I know is that one minute we were
high on life, walking home from the party,
and the next
I was spooning a jar of Nutella.
Watch where you're going!
That asshole!
Can see me!
So you can see me,
and that guy can see me,
so how can I be dead, walking and talking,
and still getting yelled at by idiots?
- It's confounding.
- And overwhelming.
- Dying is really traumatic.
- Yeah. It is.
My brain hurts.
Mochaccino time.
They know.
I'm gonna walk through it.
Oh.
- Do I have to be invited in?
- You're not a vampire. Pull, don't push.
Don't just say
you don't notice, Terrine.
It's like 30 degrees in here,
and my nips are on full display. What?
What?
What do you want?
- Two mochaccinos.
- One without whip.
- Did you get that?
- Yeah, I got it.
Two mochaccinos,
and can someone turn down the air?
That'll be $9.85.
- How much do you have?
- I didn't bring my purse.
We have no money. Shit.
I still have two bodies,
and one of them is dead,
so I need my frickin' mochaccino now!
- Register down. The system crashed.
- What?
Until it's resolved, drinks are free.
- Oh my gosh.
- All right, next.
No. All the drinks are free.
- I think I just did that.
- I think you did.
I didn't want whip!
Dick.
- So what else can you do?
- Not sure.
But my grandma used to say that my grandpa
would sometimes cross over through the TV
and another small appliance
in the bedroom.
- Vibrator.
- Vibrators have batteries.
Not the old-fashioned kind. But, right,
ghosts communicate through electricity.
And maybe sometimes control it,
which is how I took down the machine.
What? Is it me? Do I look freaky?
Uh, can you watch my computer
while I go to the bathroom?
Thanks.
Did I do that?
Turn it off! Turn it off!
Man, that was crazy.
And impressive.
- Hey, put on a better song.
- Okay.
It's working!
What the hell are you doing?
- Do you need another sweater?
- No, I'm good.
Well, from everything
we've gathered,
we know, A, your dad
needs to upgrade his technology,
because, unlike you,
DVDs are not coming back to life, and B
There's nothing to work with.
How am I to know what to do
if every movie, TV show, and website
makes up their own rules about ghosts?
What are the facts?
What are the hard cold facts
Hey. Settle. Breathe.
If you can.
I know you're stressed
and anxious for concrete answers,
but we do have something to work with.
There are a few common denominators,
like ghosts can lower the temperature.
And mess with electricity.
- Blow out candles.
- Be sensed by animals.
And sometimes give sexy massages
on pottery wheels.
- That wasn't a common denominator.
- It was incredibly informative.
True. That scene was filled
with highly analytical paranormal data.
Maybe we should rewatch it.
Yes. I can't believe I'm dead.
Well, that's what happens
when you get wasted.
Blackouts are real. Which is why
you need to stay hydrated when you drink,
and make sure you get home
with your panties on and in one piece.
No. You know what? I don't need to hear
about my daughter's missing panties.
- Did you come in for a reason?
- We're taking Oliver to his game.
And the liquor cabinet is unlocked,
so help yourself to some hair of the dog.
Looks like you need it.
- And I'm the line-crosser?
- Come on.
- Wifey.
- Mm-mm.
Fine, be like that.
But does your cold heart
really need such a cold house?
I mean, it's not even summer yet.
It's like we're living inside a glacier.
- So weird.
- So weird.
They're acting so normal. You'd think
people who birthed me would know I'm dead.
One would think.
- Know what I need to know?
- Why you're dead and still in human form?
Yes. And why do I still have to pee?
- Isn't it odd that I can pee?
- I dunno.
If a ghost in Ghostbusters can give a BJ,
then it makes sense for you to pee.
- Why? Why bother?
- Because it's gross.
And if you can still touch me,
then you need to be ghost pee-free.
Hey. I'm sorry. You can still touch me
with your ghost pee.
- How long?
- For as long as you shall pee.
No.
How long do I have left?
I'm in this weird limbo, but for how long?
And, aside from the night I died,
I really blew it lifewise.
And what I wouldn't give for a do-over.
To give myself a chance
to really let myself live.
Erika, you lived. You lived.
It was quietly with your inside voice,
but it was still a life.
No, it wasn't.
It was meaningless and uneventful.
It was like a bad memory.
Or worse, no memory at all.
And now I'm stuck in this weird in-between
because I was probably too hungover
to walk towards the light.
- I need a nap.
- Great! Big spoon or little spoon?
No. I wanna be alone.
Sorry.
I'll call you later.
If I can.
It's not just pee.
All my fluids
are oozing from multiple holes.
So you barely made it
through last night too?
Hi!
Yeah, just barely.
Well, get better soon,
because I'm having a hangover hang.
We're gonna have pizza, beer, hot tubbing.
Wow! Party on a Sunday.
That sounds fun and all, but I
- Yes!
- Gah!
- Are you okay?
- Gimme one sec.
What are you doing?
I was worried you might cross over.
I didn't want you to go alone.
Do you remember that time
you packed extra backup pants
I do, yeah, but you are still on the call.
Hi!
So is it cool if I bring Gia?
Bring her.
Okay.
And I will see you in the hot tub.
Actually,
hold on. Sorry.
- Can I go into a hot tub?
- I don't know. Research was inconclusive.
At least I can't get pregnant.
Oh, wait. Can I? Are ghost babies a thing?
- Uh, ghost babies?
- Oh!
Sorry. I thought you were muted.
And there I go, ruining my surprise.
Surprise!
Ghost babies are a drink that I make.
It's like the Ambassador,
but with dry ice.
- Do you have dry ice?
- Uh you know, I don't.
But I will by the time I see you next,
which should be soon.
I hope. Um
Looking forward
to drinking your ghost baby.
Me too!
I can't actually have a ghost baby, right?
Does it matter?
We're going to two parties in a row!
Wait. We have to figure out
what's going on with me.
Maybe I'm on borrowed time.
Or, think of it this way,
you're making the most out of
the little bit of life you have left.
UYDDYGLL.
Okay, yes!
Let's go!
Bye, dead body!
The only face that's getting eaten tonight
is Jake C's.
I don't know. You really think
this hot sauce is gonna deter the critters
from this amazing feast?
Animals don't have sophisticated palates.
- Once the fire hits, they'll quit.
- What if you taste good?
'Cause we don't have enough to cover
all of it. I mean I mean "her." Sorry.
How should I ascend?
With my face or my ass?
- Ooh. That is a toss-up.
- Well, I was born with this face
Which is gorgeous.
but this ass took work. Lose the face.
- All right, let's live!
- Hold up. It's not even eight.
- Good point. We show up at nine.
- Which means 10:30.
But he said that they're starting early,
so ten?
Ten.
So what do you want to do
for the next two hours?
Uh, we get to the bottom
of whatever the hell is going on.
What's the point? It's not gonna explain
why I'm walking, talking,
and peeing in bushes.
If what I am is a ghost,
I got screwed because there's zero perks
in this situation.
True. You can't even walk through walls.
Or become invisible to peep on Jake C.
Yeah. I'm human adjacent with rando
temp control and Wi-Fi wavering.
What a waste.
- Was that you or Jake C?
- Hmm?
Neither. It's the senior text chain.
I need to turn off the notifications.
Hold up. There's a post
about a spirit sighting.
Wait, what? Somebody knows about me?
You can see it, right?
I can kinda see it.
Where?
I think those are his eyes,
and I'm pretty sure
that's, like, his weak chin.
Totally. I see it. I think.
So you guys know a lot about spirits?
I wouldn't say we know it all, but He's
always teaching and showing Himself
in ways we never thought possible.
The pizza guy?
This manifestation is a learning
if we're open to the lesson.
- I'm open.
- I'm open.
I'm open.
Are you following? I'm totally confused.
Who are they seeing,
and what are they learning?
Check your twelve o'clock.
Checked. I think his name's Brett.
Brad. Remember? He did
all that magic in freshman homeroom.
- Oh, like with the cards?
- Yeah, but the spooky-ooky shit too.
Oh, snap. I think
this is the Afterlifer's club.
Yep. These kids know all about the occult.
I bet they have answers.
Maybe they can tell me why I still pee.
And I have to. Again.
Wait. Let's take a pic. Come on.
Isn't it a little soon?
- For what?
- To be two feet in with Sporty?
Her name's Erika.
And no, it's not too soon.
High school's almost over,
and I've wasted enough time as it is.
- It's time to YOLO and go.
- YOLO? Bro, no.
Don't you want our last few weeks
to be drama-free?
Okay, this isn't drama. Riley's drama.
Dude. You're about to be on a two-on-one.
- What?
- That's when the nutjobs go head-to-head.
- Wait. You don't watch The Bachelor?
- No.
And this isn't a two-on-one sitch,
because Riley and I are done.
But are you? Really?
You are still in your 48-hour window
of fake break.
- I'm not the only one that sees it. right?
- Guys, I like Erika.
Cool, man. Cool.
Feeling good for you.
- Me too.
- Thanks, guys.
Appreciate the support.
Just what girls do for each other.
Like, they might be all competing
to sit on the same dude's jock,
but when shit really hits the fan,
they're there for each other.
- Are you still talking about The Bachelor?
- Yep.
Look, Jake. I really hope
someday we can be friends again.
- Come on. Now you're drama.
- Riley is besties with Lea.
If you break up with Riley,
I can't be friends with you.
- That's just bullshit.
- It's not.
And Jake W's my best friend,
so, if I can't roll, neither can he.
- Sorry, dude.
- And Archer's weak.
He'll do whatever we tell him.
Yeah, uh, also happy
to slide into your sloppy seconds.
- Hey, Jake.
- Yeah.
So, from what you know,
if you die and you don't go directly
to heaven, what are your other options?
- Hell.
- Besides hell.
- Yeah. Like what else?
- Hell.
Just hell.
Okay. Um
What if you die, but your body is still
living and breathing and eating pizza?
Oh. You mean demons.
- I think it's called purgatory.
- Purgatory! What about purgatory?
That's just a road to hell.
Only Catholics believe in that, and,
well You know Catholics.
Okay, so then how do you explain ghosts?
- They don't exist.
- Dyl
Not true. There's one. The Holy Ghost.
Can a person become the Holy Ghost?
Jesus.
- I'm not talking about Jesus.
- No, you're eating him!
Huh.
It's okay.
It was just his beard.
- I think.
- We've let him down. Let us pray.
You're not gonna find
the answers you're looking for here.
Why?
They don't have answers.
They only have faith.
If you really want answers,
you want my crew.
The Afterlifers.
- This isn't the Afterlifers?
- No. Newlifers. AKA Prayer Warriors.
AKA Christ Comrades.
I only come for the snacks.
We don't do snacks.
Too many dietary restrictions.
- So, how do I meet up with your crew
- Sure you want to?
'Cause what we do is no joke.
And if you're not careful,
you may enter some crazy, dark shit.
Crazier than Jesus Crust?
I'm not being funny!
This is serious!
There are demons lying in wait
to take over your body and eat your soul
if you're not totally freakin' careful!
- Okay.
- Message received.
You'll need the bones of a mourning dove
and a packet of hemlock.
Or Capri Suns.
Get the variety pack.
Let's go!
Lea,
your thing.
Oh, right.
I'm, uh, gonna be right back.
Uh-uh. Stay.
Wooh. So cold.
It's 108 degrees in here.
Listen.
- I didn't know you were gonna be here.
- It's my house.
I know, but
You know.
Look, I can leave if you want.
It's no big deal.
You know what?
Uh, that would be great, actually.
Thank you. Yeah.
Riley, I could take you home.
Okay. Thanks.
Jake.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
You're not.
And I'm not gonna leave
until I know you're okay.
So,
tell me what's going on.
I I can't tell you.
Jake, I'm serious.
You don't have to protect me.
I'm relieved we're not together anymore.
I was tired of the drama.
Really?
Weren't you?
So tell me. What's up?
Okay.
Well, I invited Erika over,
and she hasn't shown up yet.
All phones are off, right?
Sorry. My mom.
This isn't gonna work
unless you respect the process.
Phones screw with the monitor,
along with moms.
It's not our cells.
Mercury's in retrograde.
FFS. Mercury's always in retrograde.
I've been setting an intention
to have a ghost sighting for three weeks.
- Ghosts are here. I know it.
- Uh, duh. It's a frickin' cemetery.
- Bitch.
- No, enough.
Maybe if you'd shut up a little, I can get
back in flow and communicate with some.
I can't sense any goddamn spirits
unless I'm trancing,
and I can't trance
unless you stop being assholes.
- What do you want?
- Uh, info on the undead.
Psychic vampire, right? You sure?
'Cause I feel like
you're sucking my energy right now,
and I didn't give you my consent.
That's because I'm dead.
So what are you all exactly?
Um, excuse me? What are we?
Sorry. How do you work with the dead?
Nice reframe.
Well, Brad's an aspiring
ceremonial magician,
currently practicing low magic.
Along with getting high.
And Gavin's a medium
working through a spirit block.
Because everyone's
always harshing my flow.
Right. And, uh, Raven
is a star witch,
which is basically a glorified astrologist
and something you can learn out of a book.
Dude, you serious? All you can do
is hide a stupid quarter in my ear.
You couldn't manifest
a hand job with yourself.
All right, you witch bitch,
I fucking hex you.
- I bind you, Brad.
- Okay. Whoa!
- I hex you!
- Bind!
Hey, come on, guys. You know the rules.
No hexing, no cursing, and no poxing.
And no doves, Brad.
It was literally one dove
out of, what, 600?
We don't do offensive magic.
So I have been recently
on what I would call a, um
- A spiritual journey.
- Exactly.
I have been on a spiritual journey,
and I've seen some stuff
that one might call a ghost.
So I was just wondering
your expert opinion on the rules.
Who wants to take it?
- Obviously you, you broomstick narcissist.
- Enough. Stop.
Sometimes spirits can be
seen and heard by the living
until their dead bodies are put to rest.
Interesting.
Uh, could a ghost still be seen
in their normal body in this phase?
You mean like an embodied ghost?
Sure. What would make a ghost embodied?
Brad, you wanna explain?
I totally boned a super hot ghost.
Look, I didn't know she was a ghost
until she disappeared after the boning.
Up until that point,
she was just a flicker of lights.
I think she was once a girl
who lived in my house
who died before she lost her virginity.
So her unfinished business was to bone.
To clarify. She needed her body
to finish her business.
So he says. His house was built in 2011.
- I think it was his cousin.
- Do you really want another hex?
Before you do, one more quickie.
So having an embodied body
is about unfinished business?
Always.
Ghosts are ghosts because they always have
unfinished business in their mortal life.
Like what?
Like something very personal
which may be considered
unimportant and lame to others.
And how do you know about all this?
'Cause it's what we do.
- Ghosts are what we do.
- We're paranormal experts.
Oh.
Oh, I'm getting
a crazy strong vibe right now.
Yeah, I'm feeling it.
There's something.
Oh!
It's okay.
- I bind.
- Get it out.
- Mm-mm.
- Get it out.
- They don't know anything.
- We don't know anything.
I think that unfinished business stuff
makes sense.
Really? My whole life
is unfinished business.
What exactly is the one specific thing
keeping me here?
What do I need my body to finish?
I haven't ever started anything.
Shit. It's almost midnight. We're so late.
No, it's a kickback. It goes late.
There's still time
to finish what we started.
Wait. What did you just say?
- There's still time to
- To finish what we started!
Can I get your number,
so we can finish what we started?
I do have unfinished business.
Like Brad's girlfriend ghost.
It is not what I have left to do.
It is who!
I have to kiss Jake C.
And the time is now. We gotta go!
Well,
maybe she had an accident.
Doubtful.
Or maybe she's dead.
Nah. She ghosted me.
I'm sorry.
You deserve someone
who'll show up for you.
Sorry she ruined your night.
I appreciate that, but, you know,
my night wasn't completely ruined.
You know, in some weird way,
this conversation was
the most connected to you I've ever felt.
It's almost a shame things are over.
Yeah, what a bummer it's too late.
- Yeah.
- Well.
Good night, friend.
You wanna feel it
Like you felt it on the first try ♪
Ooh, I need a heart attack ♪
Wake me up, save me ♪
I need to find
I need to find ♪
I wanna feel it
Like I felt it on the first try ♪
Maybe it's true what they say
We weren't raised right ♪
I know it's comin'
But it doesn't change anything ♪
I wanna feel it
And it's gonna be the death of me ♪
I need to find
I need to find ♪
I, I need to find ♪
A heartbeat ♪
A heartbeat ♪
A heartbeat ♪
A heartbeat ♪