Bored to Death (2009) s01e02 Episode Script
The Alanon Case
(theme music playing) All the shadows in the city Used to love you, what a pity I miss the questions you used to ask me Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely - (coughs) - Bored to death Cut, mad and lonely.
(whistle blows) (plucking a string) (sighs) (chuckles) Hi.
Hi.
You still smell like you.
(phone ringing) - Um - Take it.
Okay.
Hello.
I saw your ad on Craigslist.
I need a private detective.
Yes, of course.
Thank you for calling.
But can I get back to you in a little while? I'm I'm with another client.
But you'll definitely call back? I need your help.
I think my boyfriend is cheating on me.
Yes, I promise I will definitely call back.
Okay, goodbye now.
I'm sorry about that.
It's all right.
A new girlfriend? Oh, no, of course not.
I don't have wait a second.
Are you seeing someone? Let's not talk about it.
Well, you just asked me.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have brought it up.
No, I'm not seeing anyone, but we shouldn't talk about that kind of stuff.
We should really only discuss neutral, non-painful topics.
But all topics with you feel painful.
Let's just start over, okay? So how are you? - I'm in pain.
- Jonathan I need you.
I miss you.
I'm living like an animal.
I have no toilet paper, no food, no toothpaste.
I miss you.
You miss me shopping for us.
That's great, Jonathan.
No, I miss more than that.
I You forgot my box of love notes.
I brought it for you.
"I love you more than you know.
Jonathan.
" That was a nice note.
But you don't have to read your name at the end.
I'm very literal-minded.
You know that.
Is that Ray? Is he coming in here? I thought I might need to see him after seeing you.
I didn't think you'd overlap.
Jonathan, I don't like to see your friends.
This is really hard for me too, you know.
Hey, Suzanne.
How are you? Okay.
I was just going.
It's okay.
I can sit right over there.
Oh, no no no, I really need to go.
- Say hi to Leah for me, though.
- Okay.
Suzanne.
(sighs) I can't believe it.
She forgot my box of love notes.
Tell me about it, man.
Women are tough.
Leah's making me get a colonic tomorrow.
What? She wants me to get a colonic something about me being in a bad mood all the time because I'm leaking toxins.
Leaking toxins from where? You gotta go with me.
I have a real phobia around my ass.
Yeah, sure, I'll go.
I guess it's a good thing that you're willing to change for Leah.
If I had changed for Suzanne she wouldn't have moved out.
I'm not gonna change.
I'm just gonna pretend to change.
I can't change.
That's impossible.
"You're my best friend.
Jonathan.
" You're my best friend too, Ray.
No, I'm just reading this thing.
Oh, come on, come on.
These are my love notes.
Don't read these.
Give me these.
Ugh, Ray.
I'm just George, what are you doing? Hey, I'm just practicing the speech I have to give tomorrow in my mind.
I need an audience.
All of Manhattan? I love this city.
I was walking around this morning and I saw this woman who looked exactly like, you know, that actress in the Almodovar film.
- With the big nose? - Yes.
Oh, I would love one night with her.
She might be completely boring, but the nose would be so distracting, you know, you couldn't get bored.
Men must chase after her like crazy.
Yeah, but she probably never knows if someone wants her for her nose or for herself.
That's true.
That's true.
But then nobody's really loved for themselves, are they? I mean, all love is projection.
Really? - Come on.
- Think about it.
You know, I'm in your movie and you're in mine two different films really.
We don't really know each other.
We just make a guess at knowing each other, right? I think the same is true about love.
Do you purposely try to depress me every time we see each other? (chuckles) Yes yes, I do.
Now why are you here, young'un? Oh, right right.
The green issue is coming around again.
Now I want you to go out and ask people what's most upsetting to them about the environment - you know, man-on-the-street - (phone ringing) Please.
Go ahead.
Why not? Is it a woman? Sort of.
Jennifer Gladwell? Yes.
Jonathan, the private detective? That's right.
Hi.
Can I please have a white wine? I thought you'd be older.
Yeah, well, I got into the business at a young age.
I was drawn to it.
Would you like a drink drink? Oh, no, I'm on the water wagon tonight.
Oh, I understand.
I avoid the wagon by drinking white wine.
It has a very low alcohol content.
Oh, that's really smart.
I love white wine, and red, and rum.
Hmm.
So tell me what's going on.
You think your boyfriend's cheating on you? I'm not 100% sure, but I'm, like, 95% sure.
I did try to access his email, but he changed his password.
You had his password? Well, yeah.
Just like a year ago I went through a jealous phase.
- But this time it's real.
- Are you sure? That's what one of my therapists said.
"Are you sure?" Yes, I'm sure.
God, it's like I'm surrounded by Holocaust deniers.
It happened.
I'm sure.
You know, my therapists aren't helping me at all, which is why I contacted you.
But if you can't help me then maybe I should go back and find someone else who can help me.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I do want to help you.
Has your boyfriend been acting differently in any way? Yes.
We don't live together, so when I call him at night his phone goes straight to voicemail, which it never used to.
And he's always been very available to me, - which is what I need.
- Huh.
So you'd like me to follow him a tail job? - Yes, a tail job, yeah.
- Mm-hmm, okay.
I brought a picture.
Oh, he's a good-looking guy.
Yeah, all women want him.
So have you and your boyfriend been having specific problems other than the voicemail issue? He thinks I drink too much, which is why I'm quitting.
Really? My girlfriend left me for the same reason.
But it's all projection.
It's her father who's the alcoholic.
I just have, like, two white wines a night.
Yeah, I do drink more than that.
But you're right.
Gary's mother is an alcoholic.
That makes sense, because in every relationship we're either with our mother or our father.
I think Gary is my father.
Oh, no.
My girlfriend Suzanne was my father as a woman, you know.
And nothing I did was right in her eyes.
And that's exactly what it was like growing up with my dad.
Yeah, I'm sorry, I don't care about your girlfriend or your dad.
I really just need you to find out if Gary is cheating on me.
I can't sleep at night.
Yes, I would like a white wine, please.
No, I would like a vodka martini, dry, with an olive.
Are you sure you don't want - to have the white wine - Yes, I'm sure.
with low alcohol content? - Yes.
Thanks again for being here, man.
No, I like being here.
This pamphlet has a lot of good information in it.
You know, we really should all be vegans.
I'm kind of a non-practicing vegan.
That's the other thing Leah wants me to change my diet.
So when I'm with her I'm gonna eat healthy, and when I'm not with her I'm gonna eat like an American.
Can you pull that off? Yeah.
It's just a double life, but we all lead double lives.
Ray, there's something I've been meaning to tell you.
Oh, shit.
I hate when people say that.
What? Three weeks ago when Suzanne moved out I put up an ad on Craigslist.
So? Everybody does that.
I just bought Birkenstocks on Craigslist.
No, this is different.
I put up a listing advertising myself as a private detective.
A what? I've been moonlighting as a private detective on the side.
You can't do that.
That's illegal.
Why? I say that I'm not licensed.
And that makes it more legal-ish.
You have to take that down.
You can't just do that.
No, I've already had a client.
I found a missing girl.
It was like an out-of-body experience.
I wasn't me.
I was heroic.
Are you delusional? No, I keep getting calls.
I just got my second case.
I have been reading so many of these detective novels that I know what to do.
I can help people.
Jonathan, I consider myself a very open-minded friend.
Half the people I know are disturbed.
But you cannot just go around and say that you're a detective.
You can't mess with people's lives like that.
You can barely lead your own life.
Which one of you is Ray Houston? - That's me.
- I am happy to meet you.
I'm Yusef.
And who is this? Your partner? Yes.
No.
He's my friend.
He's here to support me.
That's nice.
Have you been to other colon hygienists or is this your first colonic? - This is my first.
- Well, don't be scared.
It will be a good experience for you, I promise.
I am going to find all your treasures.
The world is completely melting, and yet beautiful women are still being produced.
It's the one positive in these preapocalyptic times.
I need to find a bathroom.
I think some of that water that he pumped inside me needs to get out.
Don't you feel any relief, any sense of lightness? No, I feel worse.
I'm probably a hard case all those gyros rotting in my intestines.
I'd love to detoxify.
I think I'll use the money from my new case for a colonic.
I don't want to hear about the detective stuff right now.
I just want to find a commode.
Do you want me to rub your shoulders or something? No, not on the subway.
Jesus.
It's bad enough that Yusef thought you were my partner.
Well, if we were lovers who do you think would be the top? I'm bigger than you, so clearly I'm the top.
I don't want to talk about this right now, though.
Yeah, but sometimes the little guy could be the top - you know, like a dog that herds cattle.
- Mm-hmm.
You would be the cow and I would be that little dog just barking at you woof woof woof! Did you get stoned while I was getting my colonic? No.
Well, a little.
Oh, God, here we go.
- You all right? - (grunts) It's okay.
We're almost home.
We're almost home.
Got my insides out And it feels all right.
This is Suzanne.
Please leave a message.
(machine beeps) Hi, I just want to let you know that I'm shopping.
I don't know, maybe I'm changing.
Buddhism says that if a man walks across a room he comes back a different person.
So anyways, I'm sorry to bring this up, but you forgot the box of love notes and I had a couple of new ones.
So I don't know, maybe I could bring them by? Anyways, I do miss you.
Okay, bye.
This is Jonathan.
(sighs) Can I exercise just for tonight, like a day pass? (whistles a tune) Damn, she's hot.
What? Did you see that redhead, that little friend in the pink? No, sorry.
Oh my God.
Hey, man, look at that stretching area.
I can almost understand the Muslims wanting to keep women separate.
I'm not really following you.
It's like a Lamaze class over there.
Are we supposed to just sit here like a couple of eunuchs and watch? It's unnatural.
Listen, I'm trying to exercise.
- I don't have much time.
- Sorry.
You're a really good biker.
Can I ask you a quick question? Okay.
I'm writing an article a man-on-the-street sort of thing.
What upsets you most about what's happening with the environment? Oh, that's actually a good question.
When I was a kid I grew up on a pond and we used to ice-skate every winter.
And now the pond never freezes over.
I'm sorry.
Sorry to keep bothering you, but is this a good place to pick up women? It's kind of what I look for in a gym.
I don't know, have you ever picked up anyone here? - Nope.
- Really? Listen, I just want to ride my bike.
If you could pick up someone here, would you? I have a girlfriend, so I don't think about it.
Really? You don't even think about it? Does that mean you haven't cheated on her, like not just once you had sex with another woman - and maybe used a condom? - Nice talking to you.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
- See you in the showers.
- Yeah.
Excuse me, do you know what's going on inside there? Is it like a church singles group? It's an Al-Anon meeting.
Al-Anon? Right.
That's for relatives of alcoholics? Yeah, or friends of alcoholics.
Okay, great.
Thank you very much.
You've been very helpful.
Oh, I don't mean to be insensitive, but do you know a good bar around here I could kill some time? - (phone rings) - Excuse me one second.
- Hello, George.
- What are you doing? I'm about to get a drink.
I need you to come over right now.
You know, I really can't right now.
You can have the drink here.
I'm having a crisis.
Oh my God, what the hell happened to your lip? Just get in.
Were you stung by a bee? Yes, a bee with herpes.
That's herpes? But yesterday you were fine.
I know.
I don't know what happened.
I was with you and then I went and got a massage and I felt this kind of insane gratitude for everything.
It was practically religious.
And then half an hour later my lip exploded.
I got tested spiritually and I failed.
God, that's the biggest herpes blister I've ever seen in my life.
Thank you.
We're very proud of it.
I kind of wish that thing was a bee sting.
- Oh God.
- You know all the bees are dying, right? It's one of the depressing things somebody told me for this article, thank you very much.
Listen to me.
I don't care about the environment.
Right now my entire focus is on my lip.
I cannot go out into the world and I have to give a speech at The Public Theater in two hours.
Is there any medication that helps? No, not really.
That's why I called you over here.
Now I want you to hit me in the mouth and the face.
George, that's crazy.
How will my hitting you heal your blister? No, it won't heal it, but the herpes will be obscured and I can claim that I was sparring at the gym and things got out of control.
Right? I was watching TV and I got the idea.
"Fight Club" was on.
I don't think I can hit you.
Yes, you can.
Come on, what are you? Yes, you can.
Just get angry at me.
I'm not good with anger.
I go straight to depression.
Come on, it'll be fun.
I'll be Brad Pitt and you can be Edward Norton.
You said yesterday that we were in two different movies.
Don't be a wiseass, will you? This is an emergency.
Now stand up and smack me like a man.
Okay okay.
Thank you.
For crying out loud.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
George, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but is it possible that if I hit you I might get a herpes on my hand? Wow.
Man, I never considered that.
I'm sorry, Jonathan.
I should have here.
The maid uses these to clean.
- George - Here you go.
Now you know how to hit somebody? You gotta put your hip into it.
Let me show you.
You spin the right foot like you're putting out a cigarette butt or something, like that, right? You just there, see? Now don't don't look All right, never mind.
Just hit me.
Okay.
This is kind of an intimate moment.
I've never hit anybody before.
Just stop talking and hit me, will you, please? Get it over with.
- Are you ready? - I said stop (grunting) (laughs) I'm sorry, man.
I took that Israeli Army defense class once.
I guess the old muscle memory clicked in.
(laughs) I think you crushed one.
Now you have a hell of a right.
You should hit people more often.
Thank you.
Do you think you got one more in you? Yeah, I can do one more.
Hi.
Oh my God.
Oh, God.
(phone ringing) Yo.
Hello, Ray.
I'm freaking out.
I am freaking out right now.
What's going on? I'm in Manhattan and I'm following Suzanne and she's with the really handsome guy from my case.
What, are you stalking Suzanne? You can't do that.
I'm not stalking her.
I'm on my case, but the guy that I'm following met up with Suzanne at an Al-Anon meeting.
I didn't even see her go in, but now they've left together.
Jonathan, what the hell are you talking about? Suzanne is with another man.
Do I confront her? Listen to me.
Do not confront.
Repeat: Do not confront.
Get back to Brooklyn.
Get on a train, get back.
Oh, no.
Oh God, they're going into a diner.
Jonathan.
Jona Don't touch my girlfriend's hand.
What are you doing here? I'm not your girlfriend anymore, by the way.
Wait, are you stalking me? Suzanne, you're still my girlfriend in my heart.
- I've seen you earlier.
- And I'm not stalking.
I was walking by this place.
I look inside and I see the two of you making out.
What? You reek of pot.
I don't reek of pot.
I was walking past these kids and their pot got on me.
You know it wafts.
- You followed me, right? - Why are you making out with this guy? Making out with him? I wasn't making out with him.
He was consoling me about you.
We're Al-Anon friends.
Why are you going to Al-Anon? - Because of you.
- You followed me.
But I'm not an alcoholic.
Your father's an alcoholic.
Don't bring my father into this.
Suzanne, let's just get out of here.
This guys is nuts.
What? Excuse me, there's no hand holding here.
Suzanne, you don't want to go out with this guy.
I know he's well-endowed, but he's a Metamucil addict.
- What? - Yeah, he's a Metamucil addict, Suzanne.
What the hell are you talking about? You are a freak.
You followed me into the gym.
I thought you were a nice guy.
I liked your story about the pond, but I'm not gonna use it now.
You're stalking both of us? And how do you know he's well-endowed? Because forget that I said that.
Suzanne, I am not stalking anyone.
I am in love with you.
Leave now or I'm calling the cops.
Listen, you leave now, Mr.
Constipated, - so I can please sit and talk to my girlfriend.
- I'm not your girlfriend.
Get out of here.
Okay, now we're even, even Steven.
Suzanne, listen to me Oh my You know what? Let's just get out of here.
No hand holding! He has a girlfriend! You fucked me right up Just fucked me right up What happened? Oh, another domestic case, trouble is my business, no big deal.
Are you sure? Do you want some ice? It's fine.
So I have your report for you.
I don't think your boyfriend is cheating on you.
(exhales) He goes to the gym and he hardly looks at other women.
And then after the gym he's going to Al-Anon meetings.
So that's what your boyfriend is doing at night he's going to a 12-step program.
Al-Anon? I guess it's better than another woman, right? Yeah, I guess it's better.
I mean, if he's going to Al-Anon, that means he really loves me.
A club soda, please.
What do I owe you? You know, you don't have to I have to just say this I really hope things work out with you and your boyfriend, but if they don't, you can always call me, 'cause, hey, I don't mind a woman who drinks.
You're sweet.
(phone ringing) - Oh, it's Gary.
- Gary? - I should probably get this.
- No, wait, are you sure you want to take it? Maybe you shouldn't talk tonight.
Maybe wait till tomorrow.
- Maybe he spotted me following him.
- Hi, Gary.
Yeah.
Goodbye goodbye Goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye Goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye Goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye You fucked me right up And then I asked her for 100 bucks.
At least I'll get a colonic out of this whole mess.
Do you think the guy told his girlfriend that he got into a fight and she put two and two together? Probably.
Look, I'm sorry that you got hit in the face and I'm sorry that Suzanne thinks that you're insane, but I told you that this was gonna blow up in your face.
- (phone ringing) - Did I not? Remember that? Hold on.
I gotta take this.
It's George.
Hello, George.
Have you seen "The New York Post"? Nobody believed that I had a fat lip.
They all knew it was herpes.
- You shouldn't have hit me, Jonathan.
- But that was your idea.
Yeah, well, you need to know when to give me good advice, and that was bad advice.
You need to be sane when I'm insane.
- But I didn't know you were insane.
- Well, you should have.
Please, no cell phones in my office.
George, I have to go.
I'm about to get a colonic.
What? I want a colonic.
So I have both of you today.
I'm glad.
Early-morning colonics are the best.
They're most cleansing.
A lovers' quarrel? Mm, more or less.
(theme music playing) All the shadows in the city Used to love you, what a pity I miss the questions you used to ask me All the shadows in the city All right Bored to death, plus expenses The only trouble is my sentence You said you'd never love another A Russian doll, one inside the other.
(whistle blows) (plucking a string) (sighs) (chuckles) Hi.
Hi.
You still smell like you.
(phone ringing) - Um - Take it.
Okay.
Hello.
I saw your ad on Craigslist.
I need a private detective.
Yes, of course.
Thank you for calling.
But can I get back to you in a little while? I'm I'm with another client.
But you'll definitely call back? I need your help.
I think my boyfriend is cheating on me.
Yes, I promise I will definitely call back.
Okay, goodbye now.
I'm sorry about that.
It's all right.
A new girlfriend? Oh, no, of course not.
I don't have wait a second.
Are you seeing someone? Let's not talk about it.
Well, you just asked me.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have brought it up.
No, I'm not seeing anyone, but we shouldn't talk about that kind of stuff.
We should really only discuss neutral, non-painful topics.
But all topics with you feel painful.
Let's just start over, okay? So how are you? - I'm in pain.
- Jonathan I need you.
I miss you.
I'm living like an animal.
I have no toilet paper, no food, no toothpaste.
I miss you.
You miss me shopping for us.
That's great, Jonathan.
No, I miss more than that.
I You forgot my box of love notes.
I brought it for you.
"I love you more than you know.
Jonathan.
" That was a nice note.
But you don't have to read your name at the end.
I'm very literal-minded.
You know that.
Is that Ray? Is he coming in here? I thought I might need to see him after seeing you.
I didn't think you'd overlap.
Jonathan, I don't like to see your friends.
This is really hard for me too, you know.
Hey, Suzanne.
How are you? Okay.
I was just going.
It's okay.
I can sit right over there.
Oh, no no no, I really need to go.
- Say hi to Leah for me, though.
- Okay.
Suzanne.
(sighs) I can't believe it.
She forgot my box of love notes.
Tell me about it, man.
Women are tough.
Leah's making me get a colonic tomorrow.
What? She wants me to get a colonic something about me being in a bad mood all the time because I'm leaking toxins.
Leaking toxins from where? You gotta go with me.
I have a real phobia around my ass.
Yeah, sure, I'll go.
I guess it's a good thing that you're willing to change for Leah.
If I had changed for Suzanne she wouldn't have moved out.
I'm not gonna change.
I'm just gonna pretend to change.
I can't change.
That's impossible.
"You're my best friend.
Jonathan.
" You're my best friend too, Ray.
No, I'm just reading this thing.
Oh, come on, come on.
These are my love notes.
Don't read these.
Give me these.
Ugh, Ray.
I'm just George, what are you doing? Hey, I'm just practicing the speech I have to give tomorrow in my mind.
I need an audience.
All of Manhattan? I love this city.
I was walking around this morning and I saw this woman who looked exactly like, you know, that actress in the Almodovar film.
- With the big nose? - Yes.
Oh, I would love one night with her.
She might be completely boring, but the nose would be so distracting, you know, you couldn't get bored.
Men must chase after her like crazy.
Yeah, but she probably never knows if someone wants her for her nose or for herself.
That's true.
That's true.
But then nobody's really loved for themselves, are they? I mean, all love is projection.
Really? - Come on.
- Think about it.
You know, I'm in your movie and you're in mine two different films really.
We don't really know each other.
We just make a guess at knowing each other, right? I think the same is true about love.
Do you purposely try to depress me every time we see each other? (chuckles) Yes yes, I do.
Now why are you here, young'un? Oh, right right.
The green issue is coming around again.
Now I want you to go out and ask people what's most upsetting to them about the environment - you know, man-on-the-street - (phone ringing) Please.
Go ahead.
Why not? Is it a woman? Sort of.
Jennifer Gladwell? Yes.
Jonathan, the private detective? That's right.
Hi.
Can I please have a white wine? I thought you'd be older.
Yeah, well, I got into the business at a young age.
I was drawn to it.
Would you like a drink drink? Oh, no, I'm on the water wagon tonight.
Oh, I understand.
I avoid the wagon by drinking white wine.
It has a very low alcohol content.
Oh, that's really smart.
I love white wine, and red, and rum.
Hmm.
So tell me what's going on.
You think your boyfriend's cheating on you? I'm not 100% sure, but I'm, like, 95% sure.
I did try to access his email, but he changed his password.
You had his password? Well, yeah.
Just like a year ago I went through a jealous phase.
- But this time it's real.
- Are you sure? That's what one of my therapists said.
"Are you sure?" Yes, I'm sure.
God, it's like I'm surrounded by Holocaust deniers.
It happened.
I'm sure.
You know, my therapists aren't helping me at all, which is why I contacted you.
But if you can't help me then maybe I should go back and find someone else who can help me.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I do want to help you.
Has your boyfriend been acting differently in any way? Yes.
We don't live together, so when I call him at night his phone goes straight to voicemail, which it never used to.
And he's always been very available to me, - which is what I need.
- Huh.
So you'd like me to follow him a tail job? - Yes, a tail job, yeah.
- Mm-hmm, okay.
I brought a picture.
Oh, he's a good-looking guy.
Yeah, all women want him.
So have you and your boyfriend been having specific problems other than the voicemail issue? He thinks I drink too much, which is why I'm quitting.
Really? My girlfriend left me for the same reason.
But it's all projection.
It's her father who's the alcoholic.
I just have, like, two white wines a night.
Yeah, I do drink more than that.
But you're right.
Gary's mother is an alcoholic.
That makes sense, because in every relationship we're either with our mother or our father.
I think Gary is my father.
Oh, no.
My girlfriend Suzanne was my father as a woman, you know.
And nothing I did was right in her eyes.
And that's exactly what it was like growing up with my dad.
Yeah, I'm sorry, I don't care about your girlfriend or your dad.
I really just need you to find out if Gary is cheating on me.
I can't sleep at night.
Yes, I would like a white wine, please.
No, I would like a vodka martini, dry, with an olive.
Are you sure you don't want - to have the white wine - Yes, I'm sure.
with low alcohol content? - Yes.
Thanks again for being here, man.
No, I like being here.
This pamphlet has a lot of good information in it.
You know, we really should all be vegans.
I'm kind of a non-practicing vegan.
That's the other thing Leah wants me to change my diet.
So when I'm with her I'm gonna eat healthy, and when I'm not with her I'm gonna eat like an American.
Can you pull that off? Yeah.
It's just a double life, but we all lead double lives.
Ray, there's something I've been meaning to tell you.
Oh, shit.
I hate when people say that.
What? Three weeks ago when Suzanne moved out I put up an ad on Craigslist.
So? Everybody does that.
I just bought Birkenstocks on Craigslist.
No, this is different.
I put up a listing advertising myself as a private detective.
A what? I've been moonlighting as a private detective on the side.
You can't do that.
That's illegal.
Why? I say that I'm not licensed.
And that makes it more legal-ish.
You have to take that down.
You can't just do that.
No, I've already had a client.
I found a missing girl.
It was like an out-of-body experience.
I wasn't me.
I was heroic.
Are you delusional? No, I keep getting calls.
I just got my second case.
I have been reading so many of these detective novels that I know what to do.
I can help people.
Jonathan, I consider myself a very open-minded friend.
Half the people I know are disturbed.
But you cannot just go around and say that you're a detective.
You can't mess with people's lives like that.
You can barely lead your own life.
Which one of you is Ray Houston? - That's me.
- I am happy to meet you.
I'm Yusef.
And who is this? Your partner? Yes.
No.
He's my friend.
He's here to support me.
That's nice.
Have you been to other colon hygienists or is this your first colonic? - This is my first.
- Well, don't be scared.
It will be a good experience for you, I promise.
I am going to find all your treasures.
The world is completely melting, and yet beautiful women are still being produced.
It's the one positive in these preapocalyptic times.
I need to find a bathroom.
I think some of that water that he pumped inside me needs to get out.
Don't you feel any relief, any sense of lightness? No, I feel worse.
I'm probably a hard case all those gyros rotting in my intestines.
I'd love to detoxify.
I think I'll use the money from my new case for a colonic.
I don't want to hear about the detective stuff right now.
I just want to find a commode.
Do you want me to rub your shoulders or something? No, not on the subway.
Jesus.
It's bad enough that Yusef thought you were my partner.
Well, if we were lovers who do you think would be the top? I'm bigger than you, so clearly I'm the top.
I don't want to talk about this right now, though.
Yeah, but sometimes the little guy could be the top - you know, like a dog that herds cattle.
- Mm-hmm.
You would be the cow and I would be that little dog just barking at you woof woof woof! Did you get stoned while I was getting my colonic? No.
Well, a little.
Oh, God, here we go.
- You all right? - (grunts) It's okay.
We're almost home.
We're almost home.
Got my insides out And it feels all right.
This is Suzanne.
Please leave a message.
(machine beeps) Hi, I just want to let you know that I'm shopping.
I don't know, maybe I'm changing.
Buddhism says that if a man walks across a room he comes back a different person.
So anyways, I'm sorry to bring this up, but you forgot the box of love notes and I had a couple of new ones.
So I don't know, maybe I could bring them by? Anyways, I do miss you.
Okay, bye.
This is Jonathan.
(sighs) Can I exercise just for tonight, like a day pass? (whistles a tune) Damn, she's hot.
What? Did you see that redhead, that little friend in the pink? No, sorry.
Oh my God.
Hey, man, look at that stretching area.
I can almost understand the Muslims wanting to keep women separate.
I'm not really following you.
It's like a Lamaze class over there.
Are we supposed to just sit here like a couple of eunuchs and watch? It's unnatural.
Listen, I'm trying to exercise.
- I don't have much time.
- Sorry.
You're a really good biker.
Can I ask you a quick question? Okay.
I'm writing an article a man-on-the-street sort of thing.
What upsets you most about what's happening with the environment? Oh, that's actually a good question.
When I was a kid I grew up on a pond and we used to ice-skate every winter.
And now the pond never freezes over.
I'm sorry.
Sorry to keep bothering you, but is this a good place to pick up women? It's kind of what I look for in a gym.
I don't know, have you ever picked up anyone here? - Nope.
- Really? Listen, I just want to ride my bike.
If you could pick up someone here, would you? I have a girlfriend, so I don't think about it.
Really? You don't even think about it? Does that mean you haven't cheated on her, like not just once you had sex with another woman - and maybe used a condom? - Nice talking to you.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
- See you in the showers.
- Yeah.
Excuse me, do you know what's going on inside there? Is it like a church singles group? It's an Al-Anon meeting.
Al-Anon? Right.
That's for relatives of alcoholics? Yeah, or friends of alcoholics.
Okay, great.
Thank you very much.
You've been very helpful.
Oh, I don't mean to be insensitive, but do you know a good bar around here I could kill some time? - (phone rings) - Excuse me one second.
- Hello, George.
- What are you doing? I'm about to get a drink.
I need you to come over right now.
You know, I really can't right now.
You can have the drink here.
I'm having a crisis.
Oh my God, what the hell happened to your lip? Just get in.
Were you stung by a bee? Yes, a bee with herpes.
That's herpes? But yesterday you were fine.
I know.
I don't know what happened.
I was with you and then I went and got a massage and I felt this kind of insane gratitude for everything.
It was practically religious.
And then half an hour later my lip exploded.
I got tested spiritually and I failed.
God, that's the biggest herpes blister I've ever seen in my life.
Thank you.
We're very proud of it.
I kind of wish that thing was a bee sting.
- Oh God.
- You know all the bees are dying, right? It's one of the depressing things somebody told me for this article, thank you very much.
Listen to me.
I don't care about the environment.
Right now my entire focus is on my lip.
I cannot go out into the world and I have to give a speech at The Public Theater in two hours.
Is there any medication that helps? No, not really.
That's why I called you over here.
Now I want you to hit me in the mouth and the face.
George, that's crazy.
How will my hitting you heal your blister? No, it won't heal it, but the herpes will be obscured and I can claim that I was sparring at the gym and things got out of control.
Right? I was watching TV and I got the idea.
"Fight Club" was on.
I don't think I can hit you.
Yes, you can.
Come on, what are you? Yes, you can.
Just get angry at me.
I'm not good with anger.
I go straight to depression.
Come on, it'll be fun.
I'll be Brad Pitt and you can be Edward Norton.
You said yesterday that we were in two different movies.
Don't be a wiseass, will you? This is an emergency.
Now stand up and smack me like a man.
Okay okay.
Thank you.
For crying out loud.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
George, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but is it possible that if I hit you I might get a herpes on my hand? Wow.
Man, I never considered that.
I'm sorry, Jonathan.
I should have here.
The maid uses these to clean.
- George - Here you go.
Now you know how to hit somebody? You gotta put your hip into it.
Let me show you.
You spin the right foot like you're putting out a cigarette butt or something, like that, right? You just there, see? Now don't don't look All right, never mind.
Just hit me.
Okay.
This is kind of an intimate moment.
I've never hit anybody before.
Just stop talking and hit me, will you, please? Get it over with.
- Are you ready? - I said stop (grunting) (laughs) I'm sorry, man.
I took that Israeli Army defense class once.
I guess the old muscle memory clicked in.
(laughs) I think you crushed one.
Now you have a hell of a right.
You should hit people more often.
Thank you.
Do you think you got one more in you? Yeah, I can do one more.
Hi.
Oh my God.
Oh, God.
(phone ringing) Yo.
Hello, Ray.
I'm freaking out.
I am freaking out right now.
What's going on? I'm in Manhattan and I'm following Suzanne and she's with the really handsome guy from my case.
What, are you stalking Suzanne? You can't do that.
I'm not stalking her.
I'm on my case, but the guy that I'm following met up with Suzanne at an Al-Anon meeting.
I didn't even see her go in, but now they've left together.
Jonathan, what the hell are you talking about? Suzanne is with another man.
Do I confront her? Listen to me.
Do not confront.
Repeat: Do not confront.
Get back to Brooklyn.
Get on a train, get back.
Oh, no.
Oh God, they're going into a diner.
Jonathan.
Jona Don't touch my girlfriend's hand.
What are you doing here? I'm not your girlfriend anymore, by the way.
Wait, are you stalking me? Suzanne, you're still my girlfriend in my heart.
- I've seen you earlier.
- And I'm not stalking.
I was walking by this place.
I look inside and I see the two of you making out.
What? You reek of pot.
I don't reek of pot.
I was walking past these kids and their pot got on me.
You know it wafts.
- You followed me, right? - Why are you making out with this guy? Making out with him? I wasn't making out with him.
He was consoling me about you.
We're Al-Anon friends.
Why are you going to Al-Anon? - Because of you.
- You followed me.
But I'm not an alcoholic.
Your father's an alcoholic.
Don't bring my father into this.
Suzanne, let's just get out of here.
This guys is nuts.
What? Excuse me, there's no hand holding here.
Suzanne, you don't want to go out with this guy.
I know he's well-endowed, but he's a Metamucil addict.
- What? - Yeah, he's a Metamucil addict, Suzanne.
What the hell are you talking about? You are a freak.
You followed me into the gym.
I thought you were a nice guy.
I liked your story about the pond, but I'm not gonna use it now.
You're stalking both of us? And how do you know he's well-endowed? Because forget that I said that.
Suzanne, I am not stalking anyone.
I am in love with you.
Leave now or I'm calling the cops.
Listen, you leave now, Mr.
Constipated, - so I can please sit and talk to my girlfriend.
- I'm not your girlfriend.
Get out of here.
Okay, now we're even, even Steven.
Suzanne, listen to me Oh my You know what? Let's just get out of here.
No hand holding! He has a girlfriend! You fucked me right up Just fucked me right up What happened? Oh, another domestic case, trouble is my business, no big deal.
Are you sure? Do you want some ice? It's fine.
So I have your report for you.
I don't think your boyfriend is cheating on you.
(exhales) He goes to the gym and he hardly looks at other women.
And then after the gym he's going to Al-Anon meetings.
So that's what your boyfriend is doing at night he's going to a 12-step program.
Al-Anon? I guess it's better than another woman, right? Yeah, I guess it's better.
I mean, if he's going to Al-Anon, that means he really loves me.
A club soda, please.
What do I owe you? You know, you don't have to I have to just say this I really hope things work out with you and your boyfriend, but if they don't, you can always call me, 'cause, hey, I don't mind a woman who drinks.
You're sweet.
(phone ringing) - Oh, it's Gary.
- Gary? - I should probably get this.
- No, wait, are you sure you want to take it? Maybe you shouldn't talk tonight.
Maybe wait till tomorrow.
- Maybe he spotted me following him.
- Hi, Gary.
Yeah.
Goodbye goodbye Goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye Goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye Goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye You fucked me right up And then I asked her for 100 bucks.
At least I'll get a colonic out of this whole mess.
Do you think the guy told his girlfriend that he got into a fight and she put two and two together? Probably.
Look, I'm sorry that you got hit in the face and I'm sorry that Suzanne thinks that you're insane, but I told you that this was gonna blow up in your face.
- (phone ringing) - Did I not? Remember that? Hold on.
I gotta take this.
It's George.
Hello, George.
Have you seen "The New York Post"? Nobody believed that I had a fat lip.
They all knew it was herpes.
- You shouldn't have hit me, Jonathan.
- But that was your idea.
Yeah, well, you need to know when to give me good advice, and that was bad advice.
You need to be sane when I'm insane.
- But I didn't know you were insane.
- Well, you should have.
Please, no cell phones in my office.
George, I have to go.
I'm about to get a colonic.
What? I want a colonic.
So I have both of you today.
I'm glad.
Early-morning colonics are the best.
They're most cleansing.
A lovers' quarrel? Mm, more or less.
(theme music playing) All the shadows in the city Used to love you, what a pity I miss the questions you used to ask me All the shadows in the city All right Bored to death, plus expenses The only trouble is my sentence You said you'd never love another A Russian doll, one inside the other.