Boy Meets Girl (2009) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
(music covers voices) Whether you're saying something momentous or something everyday it's better to take your time and use your BT landline.
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And to celebrate our 140th birthday, it's now: Something really strange has happened.
Who is this? It's Veronica.
Bill says not to worry about rushing back.
This way, silly.
I want to do serious stories about cover-ups.
I know a lot about them.
Fashion? We need to connect.
You're not connecting with me, you pervert.
Listen, my best mate's missing, so you'd better tell me what you know.
If you'reworried about Siobhan or Jay, neither of them need to know.
I'm never going to let you out of my sight again.
Please, help me.
My name is Veron - I'm back.
But you've changed.
Nothing's changed.
Really? Why are you wearing those? Your hands.
What's that? It's Jay.
He's pressing a pole against your thigh.
What are you doing that for? So, although Brian's more experienced, I felt like they were giving me the nod.
THINKS: 'I can't believe he thinks I'm her.
.
.
if I applied, the job's mine.
Actually, I can believe it.
Look at him.
' It'd be one hell of a commission.
Proper money as well.
Proper.
We'll be dining on caviar every night.
And why would we want to do that? It's a joke.
Oh.
Sorry.
You're ironing your socks.
Yeah.
Like Inormally do.
Why? I've got to go.
You're early.
Got to run an errand on the way in.
Hey! (KISSING SOUNDS) Don't forget your handbag.
Cheerio.
See you.
I saw him being arrested on the TV last night, the anti-fur demonstrations.
Oh, one of that lot.
His name is Danny Reed.
Nope.
No-one of that name.
Maybemaybe he didn't know his name.
So then how would I know it? Or maybe he thought he was a woman.
Right.
That's enough.
Ohhh, said he was a woman? I know the one.
He's here? No.
Let him go about an hour ago.
He was doing our heads in.
He claimed he was an undercover journalist called Veronica.
That's it.
Where did he go? He went that way.
And I suggest you do the same before I do you for wasting police time.
Jay, you won't believe what's happened, you You're not going to believe what's happened! Shit! You're not going to believe what's happened.
Jay (# ROCK MUSIC) Hiya.
"This season's shades come in three styles.
Corporate red, oppressive pink, and sell-out orange.
Wear them and feel like a useless sex object.
" Is this a joke? It's likeguerrilla journalism.
You know, it'sit's subversive.
We haven't used a word of what you've written since you came back.
I need the chatty airhead that readers love.
Otherwisesorry, Vee, you're out of here.
I'm not running a charity.
I've got a few ideas, actually.
I've been researching - You've got that big fashion show tomorrow.
Give me your best prose, Miss Burton.
Right Thanks.
'I've got somewhere to stay and a job I can use until I track her down.
' But it's ridiculous and stupid and I'll get found out.
'But it don't matter cos I'm going to find her.
' (MOBILE RINGS) WOMAN: He's been having an affair.
Is Veronica Burton here? And what's your name? She'll want to see me.
Trust me.
I'm sorry, she's not here.
Would you like to leave a message? So sheshe's working here.
She'sshe's coming to work doing my job - Bill! Bill.
It's so good to see you.
You've got to help me.
Sorry, do I? Ohyeah, sorry This will sound crazy but you do know me.
What's happened to me, I can't explain, but it's the biggest story you've ever heard.
Yeah.
Great.
I have a meeting - No! Please! Sorry.
Don't go.
Please.
(SHOES SQUEAKING) And if we see you again, we'll call the police.
I've had my suspicions for months.
Conversations on the telephone, getting back late from work.
I found an email.
Who from? It didn't say.
Maybe it's for the best.
Now you know what he's really like, it'll save you the pain later.
God, you can be so hurtful sometimes.
Wellit's true, isn't it? What's the point of staying with someone who doesn't really love you? What? Like you didn't love Jay? DidI say that? Why would I stay with him if I didn't love him? Because he puts you on a pedestal.
He adores you and it's easy.
We women are hard to fathom, aren't we? Men are weirder.
No, they're not.
Men are just horrible, leering idiots.
Women are Phew! I don't know and I am one.
(DISBELIEVING LAUGH) So what am I going to do? It's up to you.
You know what I think? (SLURPS COFFEE) Bye then.
What the hell are you doing here? Did she guess it was you.
I don't think so.
Get away from me! What do we do now she knows? Do? We're not doing anything.
Veronica! I'm crazy about you.
The smell of you, you hair, your legs wrapped around me.
Do you mind? I've just eaten.
I need you! You need sterilising.
You're all mad! You, her, Jay - the whole lot of you! You've got all these jobs and money and nice clothes and everything you want, and you're all just completely screwed up! Are you lot all like this? Since when did you get so high and mighty? Since I woke up! And saw things for what they really are.
This ends here, right now.
You don't go near me again, you don't talk to me! All right? Siobhan.
Siobhan.
Er, look, before you say anything, let me explain.
I know I look like just a random guy - I have one hand on my set of keys and the other on my rape alarm, if you say another word or move another step, I will set if off .
.
and scream .
.
and scream .
.
very .
.
very .
.
loud.
.
.
loud.
I know.
We did the same self-defence course with a mad ex-army lesbian who had a crush on you.
It's me, Siobhan, it's - (HIGH-PITCHED ALARM) (SIGHS) (gurgles) Did you know that, to grow at his best That's the equivalent of 20 litres of cows' milk.
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Pete! Stop it! You're coming with me and you're going to talk.
Ohhh! Is that how you normally treat women? Sorry about that.
Idiot! It's really good to see you.
Look, stop being weird.
We want the truth.
No, you don't.
No-one does.
What does that mean? It's me, Pete.
It's me! I don't know the truth.
I don't know what's happened and I don't understand it.
You know where Danny is.
So would I be pulling my hair out looking for him? You know what's happened to him.
Not really, no.
So how come he never mentioned you to me? I got the impression he was troubled and sometimes talking to a stranger's a good thing.
See? Told you.
Look.
We have to find him soon.
He's probably still confused after the accident.
What accident? It's just a guess.
Well, is he all right? I don't know.
What accident? I don't know! You don't know much, do you? If you're so worried about him, why tell Fiona not to go to the police? He'san adult who's gone missing.
They won't give a shit! If we want to find him, we have to do it.
Just Just find him! Get him back.
And call me when you do, please! Do you think he was shagging her or something? What, Danny, with her? If Danny had even kissed a girl, I'd have known.
No, she's lying.
It's obvious.
And she knows where he is.
I know you're finding it hard.
Maybe you lost something in the accident.
Your mojo? All those problems me and Marcus were having? THIS sorted them.
He's like a new man.
And his sales figures are up like 40 percent this quarter.
Read your old articles.
Find that thing you had that everyone loved.
Find that mojo.
(CHUCKLES) It'll take more than that, sweetie-pie.
Yeah? The wheels have come off your career.
You've been found out.
And I, for one, am going to enjoy watching your slow, miserable descen into unemployment.
Tosser.
'Right.
If you're going to do this, you've got to be more convincing.
' Andafter a few years in the doldrums London Fashion Week is once again able to compete with the likes of Milan or New York.
The big names are here.
The buzz is back.
And the shows are bursting with the hottest new talent.
This is Veronica Burton for the City Gazette.
Who are you? 'Where are you?' 'What now?' Who are you? Veronica Burton knows about our missing friend.
She's being weird and she's telling lies.
What missing friend? Danny.
He works at the DIY store with us.
The boy with a thorn in his side Behind the hatred there lies a murderous desire For love How can they look into my eyes And still they don't believe me How can they hear me say those words Still they don't believe me I didn't think you liked this type of music.
Why are you listening to it? Dunno.
Sort of sounds sad.
Got me thinking.
About when I were a kid.
How unhappy I used to be.
I've never heard you say that before.
Why don't you ever talk about your childhood? Or your family? I'm really sorry.
I'm tired.
Listen.
I don't know where you are in your head, but I'm going to give you the space to sort yourself out.
You knowyou know what would .
.
stop us feeling sodistant from each other? Ifthings really aren't right in your head maybe you need to see someone.
No, no! I'm fine.
Really I am.
Everything's normal.
Well then Then we do what normal couples do.
Let me make love to you, Vee.
I've got a headache.
A headache? Yeah.
Terrible.
And my back's killing me from the bra.
And those shoes have screwed my ankles.
It's hard work, you know.
Seriously, mate.
Darling.
Soon I promise.
Oi! You again.
I'm watching you.
He's stolen my life! He's passing himself off as me! Maybe that's his plan.
If you don't piss off right now, I'll kick your head in.
And don't think about coming back.
'London Fashion Week is once again able to compete with the likes of Milan or New York.
The big names are here.
The buzz is back.
And the shows are bursting with the hottest new talent.
' This is Veronica Burton for the City Gazette.
(SIGHS) (SIGHS) (PLAYS TAPE BACK) And, after a few years in the doldrums, London Fashion Week' 'If I can't stop being her, I need to do a better job at pretending I am her.
' This is Veronica Burton.
This isVeronica Burton.
(THUNDER) Good article.
Well written.
Punchy.
Concise.
Shame it appeared in the paper two years ago.
Do I look like a mug, Veronica? And let's talk about this lad missing from the DIY store.
Why would you be interested in a story like that? Human interest piece.
The angle being? I've had his friends in here.
They think you've abducted him.
That's patently ridiculous! So what is the explanation? I'm cutting Burton's Buzz to half a page.
You've just lost half your column inches.
Keep this up, and the other half will follow.
I can do serious stuff.
I know loads about politics.
You don't know the real me! (ALL CLEARING THEIR THROAT) Hi.
Veronica.
It's Danny.
Look, I know you probably haven't got your phone my phone but the police said you didn't know your name.
My name it's Danny Reed.
That's your name.
Look, you can call me at the paper.
I haven't told anyone about us cos I don't think they'd believe us.
Look, just call me.
Please.
(CLEARS THROAT) Veronica Burton, senior investigative reporter with the City Gazette.
Tell your boss we need to talk.
We are doing a piece on missing persons, and we thought your bureau would be the perfect place to start.
We'd like to do a full feature on you, if we could.
That will be fantastic.
So how do you go about finding a missing person? Wellthat really depends how much they want to be found, I think.
Oh, they want to be found, I'm sure of it.
Sorryare you talking about anyone in particular? Nono.
Just, er Let's just take an example.
I was looking on your website and May I? Yeah, of course.
Let's just tap in a random name.
Say that guy.
Wellthat's interesting because he's only just gone missing.
Sounds like he's still living in the city so there's quite a good chance he'd be spotted.
So you'd send people out to find him? We're a charity, not a bunch of private investigators.
But what if he leaves? You could be wasting valuable time.
Are you looking to write an article? Or are you looking for someone? What if I - were - looking for someone? And what if it were that man there? (And what if I told you it was a matter of national security that he gets found?) Then I think I'd probably call the police.
Well, it's just as well none of that's true then.
Thanks very much indeed.
I'll be in touch about the article.
Thanks very much.
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To help your baby sleep better, use: You see, Danny's friends seem to think you know more than you're letting on.
I met him in this pub a few times.
I think he just wanted someone to talk to.
He waslonely.
So you've been searching high and low for this relative stranger, just because you're concerned? How many times you meet him? Three or four? So you drink in the Moonraker's Arms regular? Sometimes.
What would a woman like you be doing in a dive like Rosewood? I met a contact there once.
Got to liking the pub.
Contact? For what story? Can't remember.
Oh, I've liked your stuff.
It's all thefashion and celebrities, that right? Funny, the publican didn't recognise your photo.
OhI keep myself to myself.
Except when you're talking to lonely men who work in DIY stores.
Hang on a minute.
I recognise you.
You came in yesterday, asking about that bloke we'd arrested.
Remember - that nutter thought he was a woman? A woman journalist, actually.
What was his name, Miss Burton? That was Danny Reed! You arrested him then let him go.
Now he's disappeared again! What's the story, darling? You got some dark secret you'd like to share? MaybeI'm not the person you knew.
Maybe I've changed.
Maybe I'm like you now.
But better.
They are right.
You have gone nuts.
Oop.
Boss would like a word.
Even though the police are currently questioning you about the disappearance of a young man, even though you lied to a missing persons charity and even though your standard of work is abysmal Human resources advise me that I can't just sack you on the spot.
I first have to give you a final written warning.
So here it is.
Now you've got a very big gig tonight.
You go out and write me the piece of your life or I swear to God! (CLEARS THROAT) Have we made ourselves clear? Why did you call the police? I asked you not to.
It was Pete's idea.
We can't speak here.
If Pete sees us, he'll kill me.
Why do you care about Danny? You hardly know him.
Do you care about him? Well, he'sPete's friend and he's worried about him.
Seems like there aren't enough people who did care about him.
I thoughthe might be in trouble.
What, with the guy at the pub? Barry? We know about him.
I think you might be barking up the wrong tree with Barry.
Or maybe not.
Maybe What? Hmmmnothing.
It's hard to explain.
You see, it's saying stuff like that that's making Pete suspicious.
But if I told you it was hard to explain, could you take me at my word? Could you trust me? THINKS: 'Oh, God.
' 'Oh, God.
' Oh, God What? Hmmnothing.
It's weird.
I hardly know anything about you, but I feel like I really know you.
Does that sound stupid? No.
No, it doesn't.
It doesn't at all.
Because it's true.
Oh, God, I want to tell someone, I really do.
You can tell me.
(CLEARS THROAT) Just I feel the same way, like I know you.
Umgot to get back, yeah? All right.
Lookjust please keep looking for Danny.
He's in the city somewhere, I know it.
And if you find him, ring me straight away.
OK.
(CLEARS THROAT) Well, I'd better get back and all.
Sounds good, your job.
Glamorous.
It's a load of meaningless drivel.
What you going to do? I'm going to a bloody fashion show.
Swap you.
Happily.
They won't believe me.
So I'm going to clean myself up.
Start telling lies.
I'm praying for your soul, sir.
Thank you.
Jenny.
Yeah? Can you tell me some general things about fashion? What do you mean? I meanwhat's in, what's fashionable right now? I'm interested in your take on things.
Well, primary colours but with an autumnal hint.
Unusual fabrics - say, corduroy and silk, cotton and rayon.
Quite 70s, flowing hems, the whole folk chic look but more urban.
And a bit of a space feel, but sort of a 60s version.
Primary, 70s folk, autumnal, space-type thing.
That's about it.
Great! Veronica.
Marvellous to see you.
And Jenny.
You're looking a lot less dowdy these days.
Veronica's good taste must be rubbing off on you.
I'm sure that'll be it, Myriam.
Now - I think you're going to like this collection.
Much better than that awful couture show the other month.
It really was abysmal, wasn't it? Terrible.
Very, verynot urban enough.
OhI thought it was too urban.
Oh, way too urban.
Not rural enough.
And where was autumn? I saw only spring.
'Don't screw this up.
Don't be rude to people.
Don't speak your mind.
Just shut up, get your head down and do it.
If you stop being her, you'll lose your identity and they'll lock you up.
' Just don't be a cock.
All right, have you spoken to him? Yeah.
We're going to see how it goes for a few weeks.
I think he's genuinely sorry.
Oh, God, not that awful woman! Why have you dragged me here? To help me get through this living hell.
Are you all right? Never better.
I've heard Barry talking about the last time he saw Danny.
He lent him his van to go and get something.
I don't know what but, um, it was on the night of the storms.
You know, when those power lines came down.
And I think that's got something to do with it.
Maybe that was the accident.
Storms.
You didn't hear any of this from me.
And I wouldn't go asking Barry.
He's not the sort of guy you want to tangle with.
We understand.
Butdo you know where he lives? The future Wellviolet! And green.
Yep, violets and greens.
Silk, turbans sort of themetrosexual chiffon folk-type thing.
Oh, look.
Nobody knows.
Nobody knows anything.
I don't know, you don't know.
We're all just pretending.
Iron knickers could be massive for all we know.
I'd stop before you make any more of a fool of yourself.
A bit late for that, I think.
Don't you, Myriam? Please take your seats, ladies and gentlemen.
The show of the first collection will start in two minutes.
I don't have to sit through this, do I? I seriously suggest you do.
(# POUNDING ROCK SCORE) Who would wear that?! When would you seriously wear that? Ohh! Just popping out to the garden centre, darling.
Thought I'd put my tutu on.
Sit down, Veronica.
Look at you all pretending this matters! What are these clothes?! Look at the size of these women! (GROANS) Ohhh Ohhh, sorry.
Sorry, love.
Sorry.
But we live in a world of ofpoverty and injustice.
And what are you looking at? Anorexic women wearing tutus! And you Do you seriously enjoy being a freakish clothes horse helping teenage girls to develop a lifetime of insecurities just because you happen by sheer accident of birth to be considered beautiful? Ohh, you want to gawp at something? Have a gawp at me! I'm a real woman! This is what a real woman looks like.
Even if you knew the truth, you would not be able to handle it.
I know the truth! I - am - the - truth.
Oh , sod it! I'm a ma - ! (CRASH) BANJOS PLAYING (Southern drawl) Looks like your shock absorbers are loose.
I'm thinkin' you need a full service.
(man) Well, can't you just fix 'em with a quick wrench? MUZAK (French man) How about I rub some of this oil onto that beautiful back of yours? (Scandinavian woman) What kind of girl do you take me for? BANJOS PLAY (music over PA) # Gonna show you, baby That a woman can be tough (excited shrieks) I want you to come on Come on, come on, come on Take it Take another little piece of my heart now, baby Break it! Break another little piece of my heart now, baby You know you got it If it makes you feel good It's the Milkybar Kid! It's the Milkybar Kid! It's the Milkybar Kid! It's the Milkybar Kid.
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I don't think you need any more champagne.
I don't think you should be telling me what to do.
Vee, you need help.
Serious professional help.
I need help? It's women who need help! Look at you all! You put up with all this crap from men - You think you're any different? At least I don't hate myself.
You think I hate myself? I know you do.
You hate yourself that much you don't even know it.
Why else would you stay with an arsehole like Ali? You know he's never going to stop shagging other women as well as I do.
Because he's a tosser.
You're pathetic.
You're miserable and unhappy, and you always will be because you're too weak to find anything better.
I don't know you are any more.
But you're not my friend.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Ohhhi, Jay.
ErListen, I'm a friend of Veronica's, and er I'm a bit worried about her.
I wondered if we could have a chat? ErI'm sorry, do I know you? Yeah, SiSimon Schama.
Marketing Department.
Simon Scham Isn't he that history guy? He is, yeah.
Friend of mine, that bloke.
Umyou're worried about her? Jayyou've no idea how good it is to see you.
OK, what's going on? Will you listen to me, no matter what I say? Because this will freak you out.
Do you understand? No, not really.
Noof course not.
Look at me! Nails, my hair How would you believe it was me? I don't look like me, I'm trapped in here! But it is me.
Itit's Pookle.
How do you know that name? Something has happened.
If I told you, you wouldn't believe me, but how would I know that name unless I was Pook? It's me, babe! The craziest thing's happened to me, as you can see! Yeah Can you just excuse me for a minute? Is she here? Don't bring her into this.
She is, isn't she? Why don't youjust have a drink, from the fridge? I won't be a minute.
.
.
he seems very unhinged.
And he knows personal stuff about me.
Lookplease Look, dammit, there is no easy way to say this.
But remember the accident? The accident? Yes, yes, but you're better now, aren't you? Look, baby, plea It's me.
It's me! Remember Corsica last year? Guy with a pet monkey? You prefer classic rock to modern music, you know, ELO and Elton John.
That's Barry.
This is a really bad idea.
Right.
This is our chance.
Wait, wait What exactly are you going to do? Go in there, run upstairs, see if Danny's around, then escape through a window.
Pete.
You watch too much television.
You heard that barmaid.
Barry's involved.
He was the last person to see Danny.
I'm going in there whether you're coming or not.
Kayleigh was robbed.
Bollocks.
Emily was the only one who looked like a model.
Kayleigh didn't have the personality.
Yeah, but she improved the most during the series.
So what? That doesn't mean she should have won.
What do you think, Pete? 'Where are you? Please, tell me where you are.
' VERONICA! Well, you're missing out, Fiona.
That's all I can say.
The Americans might have all the girls.
But Britain's next top model's bitchier.
And that makes for better television.
AndLisa Snowden's well fit.
Yeah.
Not surprised Clooney fell for her when they were making that Martini ad together.
Anyway, been lovely seeing you both, but me and Steve-o have got to get on with our bridge evening.
I know who you are, because I make it my business to know who you are.
And no, I don't know what happened to your little mate.
But if you do see him, you can tell him if he don't give me my van back, Steve-o will chop his balls off.
Any questions? Was it to do with those power lines that came down that night? Did he have an accident? If ever I see you two around here again you're dead, all right? Is he still watching us? I'm not turning around.
He could shoot us in the back.
I didn't see any guns.
They might throw knives at us.
Calm down.
They might chase us in a car, knock us down - Pete, shut up! He's not there, he's not there.
Ohhh! Silly sod.
It was something to do with those power lines.
Did you see his face? Pete.
We don't know anything.
Pete.
Pete! I'm sorry.
I thought you - No.
No, it's fine, it's fine.
It's just, you know, we're friends.
I'd like it to stay that way.
All right.
Is there someone else? Not exactly.
I understand.
'Jesus.
What if I'm stuck like this forever?' All right.
Do you want to tell me why you've been telling weird strangers all about our private life? I'm a mess.
Everything's a mess.
The universe has gone wrong.
Hey.
Heyyy.
Calm down.
I'm here now.
Everything's going to be all right.
I'm scared I'll be stuck like this forever.
Shhh.
'Well, that that could have been worse.
I guess you've got to try everything once.
' 'Hang on.
This is quite weird.
' 'Maybe a bit too weird.
' 'Oh, God.
Is this a good idea?' 'I dunno.
Jesus Think of something.
Oh, Godclose your eyes and think of someone else.
Keira Knightley, Keira Knightley.
Keira KnightleyKeira Knightley' Stop calling me Veronica! I'm Danny! Stop saying that! Homeless, poor and insane.
Great.
That's just great.
Now I want him to stop! Follow that bus! This bus goes to Rosewood.
Just get on with it and drive.
I'll forget who I am, then I'll just think I'm her.
I'm going to take charge, Veronica Burton.
I'm going to be yourman.
I really like youVeronica.
And I really, really, really like you too.
MPs' MPs' expenses.
MPs' expenses.
New MPs' expenses.
New revelations MPs' expenses.
New revelations tonight, including revelations tonight, including the revelations tonight, including the thousands revelations tonight, including the thousands claimed revelations tonight, including the thousands claimed by revelations tonight, including the thousands claimed by a the thousands claimed by a millionaire the thousands claimed by a millionaire minister.
A A new A new batch A new batch of A new batch of MPs' A new batch of MPs' receipts A new batch of MPs' receipts are revealed A new batch of MPs' receipts are revealed tonight, A new batch of MPs' receipts are revealed tonight, certain are revealed tonight, certain to provoke are revealed tonight, certain to provoke more are revealed tonight, certain to provoke more public anger to provoke more public anger and to provoke more public anger and political and political embarrassment.
Also and political embarrassment.
Also on News at embarrassment.
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Also on News at Ten - the deadliest day embarrassment.
Also on News at Ten - the deadliest day for embarrassment.
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Corporal Sean Ten - the deadliest day for a year.
Corporal Sean Binnie Ten - the deadliest day for a year.
Corporal Sean Binnie is year.
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Corporal Sean Binnie is among four year.
Corporal Sean Binnie is among four British year.
Corporal Sean Binnie is among four British soldiers among four British soldiers killed among four British soldiers killed in among four British soldiers killed in Afghanistan.
among four British soldiers killed in Afghanistan.
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3,000 jobs killed in Afghanistan.
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3,000 jobs at risk as Corus killed in Afghanistan.
3,000 jobs at risk as Corus shuts jobs at risk as Corus shuts down jobs at risk as Corus shuts down its Teeside jobs at risk as Corus shuts down its Teeside plant.
And down its Teeside plant.
And England's down its Teeside plant.
And England's three-day down its Teeside plant.
And England's three-day wonder, down its Teeside plant.
And England's three-day wonder, as England's three-day wonder, as they England's three-day wonder, as they roll over England's three-day wonder, as they roll over the West England's three-day wonder, as they roll over the West Indies they roll over the West Indies in they roll over the West Indies in the first Test they roll over the West Indies in the first Test of they roll over the West Indies in the first Test of the in the first Test of the summer.
in the first Test of the
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And to celebrate our 140th birthday, it's now: Something really strange has happened.
Who is this? It's Veronica.
Bill says not to worry about rushing back.
This way, silly.
I want to do serious stories about cover-ups.
I know a lot about them.
Fashion? We need to connect.
You're not connecting with me, you pervert.
Listen, my best mate's missing, so you'd better tell me what you know.
If you'reworried about Siobhan or Jay, neither of them need to know.
I'm never going to let you out of my sight again.
Please, help me.
My name is Veron - I'm back.
But you've changed.
Nothing's changed.
Really? Why are you wearing those? Your hands.
What's that? It's Jay.
He's pressing a pole against your thigh.
What are you doing that for? So, although Brian's more experienced, I felt like they were giving me the nod.
THINKS: 'I can't believe he thinks I'm her.
.
.
if I applied, the job's mine.
Actually, I can believe it.
Look at him.
' It'd be one hell of a commission.
Proper money as well.
Proper.
We'll be dining on caviar every night.
And why would we want to do that? It's a joke.
Oh.
Sorry.
You're ironing your socks.
Yeah.
Like Inormally do.
Why? I've got to go.
You're early.
Got to run an errand on the way in.
Hey! (KISSING SOUNDS) Don't forget your handbag.
Cheerio.
See you.
I saw him being arrested on the TV last night, the anti-fur demonstrations.
Oh, one of that lot.
His name is Danny Reed.
Nope.
No-one of that name.
Maybemaybe he didn't know his name.
So then how would I know it? Or maybe he thought he was a woman.
Right.
That's enough.
Ohhh, said he was a woman? I know the one.
He's here? No.
Let him go about an hour ago.
He was doing our heads in.
He claimed he was an undercover journalist called Veronica.
That's it.
Where did he go? He went that way.
And I suggest you do the same before I do you for wasting police time.
Jay, you won't believe what's happened, you You're not going to believe what's happened! Shit! You're not going to believe what's happened.
Jay (# ROCK MUSIC) Hiya.
"This season's shades come in three styles.
Corporate red, oppressive pink, and sell-out orange.
Wear them and feel like a useless sex object.
" Is this a joke? It's likeguerrilla journalism.
You know, it'sit's subversive.
We haven't used a word of what you've written since you came back.
I need the chatty airhead that readers love.
Otherwisesorry, Vee, you're out of here.
I'm not running a charity.
I've got a few ideas, actually.
I've been researching - You've got that big fashion show tomorrow.
Give me your best prose, Miss Burton.
Right Thanks.
'I've got somewhere to stay and a job I can use until I track her down.
' But it's ridiculous and stupid and I'll get found out.
'But it don't matter cos I'm going to find her.
' (MOBILE RINGS) WOMAN: He's been having an affair.
Is Veronica Burton here? And what's your name? She'll want to see me.
Trust me.
I'm sorry, she's not here.
Would you like to leave a message? So sheshe's working here.
She'sshe's coming to work doing my job - Bill! Bill.
It's so good to see you.
You've got to help me.
Sorry, do I? Ohyeah, sorry This will sound crazy but you do know me.
What's happened to me, I can't explain, but it's the biggest story you've ever heard.
Yeah.
Great.
I have a meeting - No! Please! Sorry.
Don't go.
Please.
(SHOES SQUEAKING) And if we see you again, we'll call the police.
I've had my suspicions for months.
Conversations on the telephone, getting back late from work.
I found an email.
Who from? It didn't say.
Maybe it's for the best.
Now you know what he's really like, it'll save you the pain later.
God, you can be so hurtful sometimes.
Wellit's true, isn't it? What's the point of staying with someone who doesn't really love you? What? Like you didn't love Jay? DidI say that? Why would I stay with him if I didn't love him? Because he puts you on a pedestal.
He adores you and it's easy.
We women are hard to fathom, aren't we? Men are weirder.
No, they're not.
Men are just horrible, leering idiots.
Women are Phew! I don't know and I am one.
(DISBELIEVING LAUGH) So what am I going to do? It's up to you.
You know what I think? (SLURPS COFFEE) Bye then.
What the hell are you doing here? Did she guess it was you.
I don't think so.
Get away from me! What do we do now she knows? Do? We're not doing anything.
Veronica! I'm crazy about you.
The smell of you, you hair, your legs wrapped around me.
Do you mind? I've just eaten.
I need you! You need sterilising.
You're all mad! You, her, Jay - the whole lot of you! You've got all these jobs and money and nice clothes and everything you want, and you're all just completely screwed up! Are you lot all like this? Since when did you get so high and mighty? Since I woke up! And saw things for what they really are.
This ends here, right now.
You don't go near me again, you don't talk to me! All right? Siobhan.
Siobhan.
Er, look, before you say anything, let me explain.
I know I look like just a random guy - I have one hand on my set of keys and the other on my rape alarm, if you say another word or move another step, I will set if off .
.
and scream .
.
and scream .
.
very .
.
very .
.
loud.
.
.
loud.
I know.
We did the same self-defence course with a mad ex-army lesbian who had a crush on you.
It's me, Siobhan, it's - (HIGH-PITCHED ALARM) (SIGHS) (gurgles) Did you know that, to grow at his best That's the equivalent of 20 litres of cows' milk.
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Pete! Stop it! You're coming with me and you're going to talk.
Ohhh! Is that how you normally treat women? Sorry about that.
Idiot! It's really good to see you.
Look, stop being weird.
We want the truth.
No, you don't.
No-one does.
What does that mean? It's me, Pete.
It's me! I don't know the truth.
I don't know what's happened and I don't understand it.
You know where Danny is.
So would I be pulling my hair out looking for him? You know what's happened to him.
Not really, no.
So how come he never mentioned you to me? I got the impression he was troubled and sometimes talking to a stranger's a good thing.
See? Told you.
Look.
We have to find him soon.
He's probably still confused after the accident.
What accident? It's just a guess.
Well, is he all right? I don't know.
What accident? I don't know! You don't know much, do you? If you're so worried about him, why tell Fiona not to go to the police? He'san adult who's gone missing.
They won't give a shit! If we want to find him, we have to do it.
Just Just find him! Get him back.
And call me when you do, please! Do you think he was shagging her or something? What, Danny, with her? If Danny had even kissed a girl, I'd have known.
No, she's lying.
It's obvious.
And she knows where he is.
I know you're finding it hard.
Maybe you lost something in the accident.
Your mojo? All those problems me and Marcus were having? THIS sorted them.
He's like a new man.
And his sales figures are up like 40 percent this quarter.
Read your old articles.
Find that thing you had that everyone loved.
Find that mojo.
(CHUCKLES) It'll take more than that, sweetie-pie.
Yeah? The wheels have come off your career.
You've been found out.
And I, for one, am going to enjoy watching your slow, miserable descen into unemployment.
Tosser.
'Right.
If you're going to do this, you've got to be more convincing.
' Andafter a few years in the doldrums London Fashion Week is once again able to compete with the likes of Milan or New York.
The big names are here.
The buzz is back.
And the shows are bursting with the hottest new talent.
This is Veronica Burton for the City Gazette.
Who are you? 'Where are you?' 'What now?' Who are you? Veronica Burton knows about our missing friend.
She's being weird and she's telling lies.
What missing friend? Danny.
He works at the DIY store with us.
The boy with a thorn in his side Behind the hatred there lies a murderous desire For love How can they look into my eyes And still they don't believe me How can they hear me say those words Still they don't believe me I didn't think you liked this type of music.
Why are you listening to it? Dunno.
Sort of sounds sad.
Got me thinking.
About when I were a kid.
How unhappy I used to be.
I've never heard you say that before.
Why don't you ever talk about your childhood? Or your family? I'm really sorry.
I'm tired.
Listen.
I don't know where you are in your head, but I'm going to give you the space to sort yourself out.
You knowyou know what would .
.
stop us feeling sodistant from each other? Ifthings really aren't right in your head maybe you need to see someone.
No, no! I'm fine.
Really I am.
Everything's normal.
Well then Then we do what normal couples do.
Let me make love to you, Vee.
I've got a headache.
A headache? Yeah.
Terrible.
And my back's killing me from the bra.
And those shoes have screwed my ankles.
It's hard work, you know.
Seriously, mate.
Darling.
Soon I promise.
Oi! You again.
I'm watching you.
He's stolen my life! He's passing himself off as me! Maybe that's his plan.
If you don't piss off right now, I'll kick your head in.
And don't think about coming back.
'London Fashion Week is once again able to compete with the likes of Milan or New York.
The big names are here.
The buzz is back.
And the shows are bursting with the hottest new talent.
' This is Veronica Burton for the City Gazette.
(SIGHS) (SIGHS) (PLAYS TAPE BACK) And, after a few years in the doldrums, London Fashion Week' 'If I can't stop being her, I need to do a better job at pretending I am her.
' This is Veronica Burton.
This isVeronica Burton.
(THUNDER) Good article.
Well written.
Punchy.
Concise.
Shame it appeared in the paper two years ago.
Do I look like a mug, Veronica? And let's talk about this lad missing from the DIY store.
Why would you be interested in a story like that? Human interest piece.
The angle being? I've had his friends in here.
They think you've abducted him.
That's patently ridiculous! So what is the explanation? I'm cutting Burton's Buzz to half a page.
You've just lost half your column inches.
Keep this up, and the other half will follow.
I can do serious stuff.
I know loads about politics.
You don't know the real me! (ALL CLEARING THEIR THROAT) Hi.
Veronica.
It's Danny.
Look, I know you probably haven't got your phone my phone but the police said you didn't know your name.
My name it's Danny Reed.
That's your name.
Look, you can call me at the paper.
I haven't told anyone about us cos I don't think they'd believe us.
Look, just call me.
Please.
(CLEARS THROAT) Veronica Burton, senior investigative reporter with the City Gazette.
Tell your boss we need to talk.
We are doing a piece on missing persons, and we thought your bureau would be the perfect place to start.
We'd like to do a full feature on you, if we could.
That will be fantastic.
So how do you go about finding a missing person? Wellthat really depends how much they want to be found, I think.
Oh, they want to be found, I'm sure of it.
Sorryare you talking about anyone in particular? Nono.
Just, er Let's just take an example.
I was looking on your website and May I? Yeah, of course.
Let's just tap in a random name.
Say that guy.
Wellthat's interesting because he's only just gone missing.
Sounds like he's still living in the city so there's quite a good chance he'd be spotted.
So you'd send people out to find him? We're a charity, not a bunch of private investigators.
But what if he leaves? You could be wasting valuable time.
Are you looking to write an article? Or are you looking for someone? What if I - were - looking for someone? And what if it were that man there? (And what if I told you it was a matter of national security that he gets found?) Then I think I'd probably call the police.
Well, it's just as well none of that's true then.
Thanks very much indeed.
I'll be in touch about the article.
Thanks very much.
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I met him in this pub a few times.
I think he just wanted someone to talk to.
He waslonely.
So you've been searching high and low for this relative stranger, just because you're concerned? How many times you meet him? Three or four? So you drink in the Moonraker's Arms regular? Sometimes.
What would a woman like you be doing in a dive like Rosewood? I met a contact there once.
Got to liking the pub.
Contact? For what story? Can't remember.
Oh, I've liked your stuff.
It's all thefashion and celebrities, that right? Funny, the publican didn't recognise your photo.
OhI keep myself to myself.
Except when you're talking to lonely men who work in DIY stores.
Hang on a minute.
I recognise you.
You came in yesterday, asking about that bloke we'd arrested.
Remember - that nutter thought he was a woman? A woman journalist, actually.
What was his name, Miss Burton? That was Danny Reed! You arrested him then let him go.
Now he's disappeared again! What's the story, darling? You got some dark secret you'd like to share? MaybeI'm not the person you knew.
Maybe I've changed.
Maybe I'm like you now.
But better.
They are right.
You have gone nuts.
Oop.
Boss would like a word.
Even though the police are currently questioning you about the disappearance of a young man, even though you lied to a missing persons charity and even though your standard of work is abysmal Human resources advise me that I can't just sack you on the spot.
I first have to give you a final written warning.
So here it is.
Now you've got a very big gig tonight.
You go out and write me the piece of your life or I swear to God! (CLEARS THROAT) Have we made ourselves clear? Why did you call the police? I asked you not to.
It was Pete's idea.
We can't speak here.
If Pete sees us, he'll kill me.
Why do you care about Danny? You hardly know him.
Do you care about him? Well, he'sPete's friend and he's worried about him.
Seems like there aren't enough people who did care about him.
I thoughthe might be in trouble.
What, with the guy at the pub? Barry? We know about him.
I think you might be barking up the wrong tree with Barry.
Or maybe not.
Maybe What? Hmmmnothing.
It's hard to explain.
You see, it's saying stuff like that that's making Pete suspicious.
But if I told you it was hard to explain, could you take me at my word? Could you trust me? THINKS: 'Oh, God.
' 'Oh, God.
' Oh, God What? Hmmnothing.
It's weird.
I hardly know anything about you, but I feel like I really know you.
Does that sound stupid? No.
No, it doesn't.
It doesn't at all.
Because it's true.
Oh, God, I want to tell someone, I really do.
You can tell me.
(CLEARS THROAT) Just I feel the same way, like I know you.
Umgot to get back, yeah? All right.
Lookjust please keep looking for Danny.
He's in the city somewhere, I know it.
And if you find him, ring me straight away.
OK.
(CLEARS THROAT) Well, I'd better get back and all.
Sounds good, your job.
Glamorous.
It's a load of meaningless drivel.
What you going to do? I'm going to a bloody fashion show.
Swap you.
Happily.
They won't believe me.
So I'm going to clean myself up.
Start telling lies.
I'm praying for your soul, sir.
Thank you.
Jenny.
Yeah? Can you tell me some general things about fashion? What do you mean? I meanwhat's in, what's fashionable right now? I'm interested in your take on things.
Well, primary colours but with an autumnal hint.
Unusual fabrics - say, corduroy and silk, cotton and rayon.
Quite 70s, flowing hems, the whole folk chic look but more urban.
And a bit of a space feel, but sort of a 60s version.
Primary, 70s folk, autumnal, space-type thing.
That's about it.
Great! Veronica.
Marvellous to see you.
And Jenny.
You're looking a lot less dowdy these days.
Veronica's good taste must be rubbing off on you.
I'm sure that'll be it, Myriam.
Now - I think you're going to like this collection.
Much better than that awful couture show the other month.
It really was abysmal, wasn't it? Terrible.
Very, verynot urban enough.
OhI thought it was too urban.
Oh, way too urban.
Not rural enough.
And where was autumn? I saw only spring.
'Don't screw this up.
Don't be rude to people.
Don't speak your mind.
Just shut up, get your head down and do it.
If you stop being her, you'll lose your identity and they'll lock you up.
' Just don't be a cock.
All right, have you spoken to him? Yeah.
We're going to see how it goes for a few weeks.
I think he's genuinely sorry.
Oh, God, not that awful woman! Why have you dragged me here? To help me get through this living hell.
Are you all right? Never better.
I've heard Barry talking about the last time he saw Danny.
He lent him his van to go and get something.
I don't know what but, um, it was on the night of the storms.
You know, when those power lines came down.
And I think that's got something to do with it.
Maybe that was the accident.
Storms.
You didn't hear any of this from me.
And I wouldn't go asking Barry.
He's not the sort of guy you want to tangle with.
We understand.
Butdo you know where he lives? The future Wellviolet! And green.
Yep, violets and greens.
Silk, turbans sort of themetrosexual chiffon folk-type thing.
Oh, look.
Nobody knows.
Nobody knows anything.
I don't know, you don't know.
We're all just pretending.
Iron knickers could be massive for all we know.
I'd stop before you make any more of a fool of yourself.
A bit late for that, I think.
Don't you, Myriam? Please take your seats, ladies and gentlemen.
The show of the first collection will start in two minutes.
I don't have to sit through this, do I? I seriously suggest you do.
(# POUNDING ROCK SCORE) Who would wear that?! When would you seriously wear that? Ohh! Just popping out to the garden centre, darling.
Thought I'd put my tutu on.
Sit down, Veronica.
Look at you all pretending this matters! What are these clothes?! Look at the size of these women! (GROANS) Ohhh Ohhh, sorry.
Sorry, love.
Sorry.
But we live in a world of ofpoverty and injustice.
And what are you looking at? Anorexic women wearing tutus! And you Do you seriously enjoy being a freakish clothes horse helping teenage girls to develop a lifetime of insecurities just because you happen by sheer accident of birth to be considered beautiful? Ohh, you want to gawp at something? Have a gawp at me! I'm a real woman! This is what a real woman looks like.
Even if you knew the truth, you would not be able to handle it.
I know the truth! I - am - the - truth.
Oh , sod it! I'm a ma - ! (CRASH) BANJOS PLAYING (Southern drawl) Looks like your shock absorbers are loose.
I'm thinkin' you need a full service.
(man) Well, can't you just fix 'em with a quick wrench? MUZAK (French man) How about I rub some of this oil onto that beautiful back of yours? (Scandinavian woman) What kind of girl do you take me for? BANJOS PLAY (music over PA) # Gonna show you, baby That a woman can be tough (excited shrieks) I want you to come on Come on, come on, come on Take it Take another little piece of my heart now, baby Break it! Break another little piece of my heart now, baby You know you got it If it makes you feel good It's the Milkybar Kid! It's the Milkybar Kid! It's the Milkybar Kid! It's the Milkybar Kid.
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I don't think you need any more champagne.
I don't think you should be telling me what to do.
Vee, you need help.
Serious professional help.
I need help? It's women who need help! Look at you all! You put up with all this crap from men - You think you're any different? At least I don't hate myself.
You think I hate myself? I know you do.
You hate yourself that much you don't even know it.
Why else would you stay with an arsehole like Ali? You know he's never going to stop shagging other women as well as I do.
Because he's a tosser.
You're pathetic.
You're miserable and unhappy, and you always will be because you're too weak to find anything better.
I don't know you are any more.
But you're not my friend.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Ohhhi, Jay.
ErListen, I'm a friend of Veronica's, and er I'm a bit worried about her.
I wondered if we could have a chat? ErI'm sorry, do I know you? Yeah, SiSimon Schama.
Marketing Department.
Simon Scham Isn't he that history guy? He is, yeah.
Friend of mine, that bloke.
Umyou're worried about her? Jayyou've no idea how good it is to see you.
OK, what's going on? Will you listen to me, no matter what I say? Because this will freak you out.
Do you understand? No, not really.
Noof course not.
Look at me! Nails, my hair How would you believe it was me? I don't look like me, I'm trapped in here! But it is me.
Itit's Pookle.
How do you know that name? Something has happened.
If I told you, you wouldn't believe me, but how would I know that name unless I was Pook? It's me, babe! The craziest thing's happened to me, as you can see! Yeah Can you just excuse me for a minute? Is she here? Don't bring her into this.
She is, isn't she? Why don't youjust have a drink, from the fridge? I won't be a minute.
.
.
he seems very unhinged.
And he knows personal stuff about me.
Lookplease Look, dammit, there is no easy way to say this.
But remember the accident? The accident? Yes, yes, but you're better now, aren't you? Look, baby, plea It's me.
It's me! Remember Corsica last year? Guy with a pet monkey? You prefer classic rock to modern music, you know, ELO and Elton John.
That's Barry.
This is a really bad idea.
Right.
This is our chance.
Wait, wait What exactly are you going to do? Go in there, run upstairs, see if Danny's around, then escape through a window.
Pete.
You watch too much television.
You heard that barmaid.
Barry's involved.
He was the last person to see Danny.
I'm going in there whether you're coming or not.
Kayleigh was robbed.
Bollocks.
Emily was the only one who looked like a model.
Kayleigh didn't have the personality.
Yeah, but she improved the most during the series.
So what? That doesn't mean she should have won.
What do you think, Pete? 'Where are you? Please, tell me where you are.
' VERONICA! Well, you're missing out, Fiona.
That's all I can say.
The Americans might have all the girls.
But Britain's next top model's bitchier.
And that makes for better television.
AndLisa Snowden's well fit.
Yeah.
Not surprised Clooney fell for her when they were making that Martini ad together.
Anyway, been lovely seeing you both, but me and Steve-o have got to get on with our bridge evening.
I know who you are, because I make it my business to know who you are.
And no, I don't know what happened to your little mate.
But if you do see him, you can tell him if he don't give me my van back, Steve-o will chop his balls off.
Any questions? Was it to do with those power lines that came down that night? Did he have an accident? If ever I see you two around here again you're dead, all right? Is he still watching us? I'm not turning around.
He could shoot us in the back.
I didn't see any guns.
They might throw knives at us.
Calm down.
They might chase us in a car, knock us down - Pete, shut up! He's not there, he's not there.
Ohhh! Silly sod.
It was something to do with those power lines.
Did you see his face? Pete.
We don't know anything.
Pete.
Pete! I'm sorry.
I thought you - No.
No, it's fine, it's fine.
It's just, you know, we're friends.
I'd like it to stay that way.
All right.
Is there someone else? Not exactly.
I understand.
'Jesus.
What if I'm stuck like this forever?' All right.
Do you want to tell me why you've been telling weird strangers all about our private life? I'm a mess.
Everything's a mess.
The universe has gone wrong.
Hey.
Heyyy.
Calm down.
I'm here now.
Everything's going to be all right.
I'm scared I'll be stuck like this forever.
Shhh.
'Well, that that could have been worse.
I guess you've got to try everything once.
' 'Hang on.
This is quite weird.
' 'Maybe a bit too weird.
' 'Oh, God.
Is this a good idea?' 'I dunno.
Jesus Think of something.
Oh, Godclose your eyes and think of someone else.
Keira Knightley, Keira Knightley.
Keira KnightleyKeira Knightley' Stop calling me Veronica! I'm Danny! Stop saying that! Homeless, poor and insane.
Great.
That's just great.
Now I want him to stop! Follow that bus! This bus goes to Rosewood.
Just get on with it and drive.
I'll forget who I am, then I'll just think I'm her.
I'm going to take charge, Veronica Burton.
I'm going to be yourman.
I really like youVeronica.
And I really, really, really like you too.
MPs' MPs' expenses.
MPs' expenses.
New MPs' expenses.
New revelations MPs' expenses.
New revelations tonight, including revelations tonight, including the revelations tonight, including the thousands revelations tonight, including the thousands claimed revelations tonight, including the thousands claimed by revelations tonight, including the thousands claimed by a the thousands claimed by a millionaire the thousands claimed by a millionaire minister.
A A new A new batch A new batch of A new batch of MPs' A new batch of MPs' receipts A new batch of MPs' receipts are revealed A new batch of MPs' receipts are revealed tonight, A new batch of MPs' receipts are revealed tonight, certain are revealed tonight, certain to provoke are revealed tonight, certain to provoke more are revealed tonight, certain to provoke more public anger to provoke more public anger and to provoke more public anger and political and political embarrassment.
Also and political embarrassment.
Also on News at embarrassment.
Also on News at Ten - embarrassment.
Also on News at Ten - the embarrassment.
Also on News at Ten - the deadliest day embarrassment.
Also on News at Ten - the deadliest day for embarrassment.
Also on News at Ten - the deadliest day for a Ten - the deadliest day for a year.
Corporal Sean Ten - the deadliest day for a year.
Corporal Sean Binnie Ten - the deadliest day for a year.
Corporal Sean Binnie is year.
Corporal Sean Binnie is among year.
Corporal Sean Binnie is among four year.
Corporal Sean Binnie is among four British year.
Corporal Sean Binnie is among four British soldiers among four British soldiers killed among four British soldiers killed in among four British soldiers killed in Afghanistan.
among four British soldiers killed in Afghanistan.
3,000 killed in Afghanistan.
3,000 jobs killed in Afghanistan.
3,000 jobs at killed in Afghanistan.
3,000 jobs at risk killed in Afghanistan.
3,000 jobs at risk as killed in Afghanistan.
3,000 jobs at risk as Corus killed in Afghanistan.
3,000 jobs at risk as Corus shuts jobs at risk as Corus shuts down jobs at risk as Corus shuts down its Teeside jobs at risk as Corus shuts down its Teeside plant.
And down its Teeside plant.
And England's down its Teeside plant.
And England's three-day down its Teeside plant.
And England's three-day wonder, down its Teeside plant.
And England's three-day wonder, as England's three-day wonder, as they England's three-day wonder, as they roll over England's three-day wonder, as they roll over the West England's three-day wonder, as they roll over the West Indies they roll over the West Indies in they roll over the West Indies in the first Test they roll over the West Indies in the first Test of they roll over the West Indies in the first Test of the in the first Test of the summer.
in the first Test of the