Brassic (2019) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
All right, Vinnie.
You understand what I've done? How I've placed them.
Tell me what's next.
All right, Vinnie.
You understand what I've done? How I've placed them.
Tell me what's next.
You attach the wires to the batch terminal, which ignites the nitro-glycerine.
Good lad.
But before that, what do you do? Stand well back.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Vinnie! What? Vin! Fucking What's going on? What? It's Big Sandy.
What? What, love? What about it? She's gone.
One sec.
One sec.
Where's she gone? She's gone, Vin.
Gone where? She's dead.
She's dead, Vin.
Come here.
It's all right.
It's all right.
Ooh, er It's morning glory.
Doesn't mean anything.
All right? Sit.
You have a sit down.
I'm gonna make a brew.
We'll all help with the funeral, all right? Flowers, speeches.
Yeah, but who's gonna pay for it? Sam didn't have any savings.
What about your boss? That fucking wanker? He's tighter than a crab's arse.
Glen Glenson, Google "slippery fuck-wit" and there's a photo of Glen.
Get the fat fuck moved.
We have punters coming in an hour.
Big Sandy was the Madame of the Rat And Cutter, the local strip club cum brothel.
She was big in every respect.
She loved life, and life loved her.
He's got money, thousands.
We know he has.
We earn it.
Can't you get your hands on it? He keeps it in a massive safe in his office.
He has me in there once a month to suck his balls.
Oh! Oh! Bloody hell.
But where's his office? Basement.
It's like Fort Knox in there Vin, bolted doors, CCTV.
Do any of you have the keys? Does he ever leave it open? Uh-uh.
Shit.
We have to do something.
She deserves a good send-off.
The fuck you doing? Mo.
The bell, once, that's all it takes, not ping, ping, ping.
How could you expect me to get out here? Ping, ping, All day long.
And you, you twat! You gave me a bum steer on that horse! 800 I put on Martika's Kitchen.
It came fucking sixth.
Hang on.
We all lost money that day.
I never said it was a sure thing.
You said, "Sure thing.
" Those were your exact words.
"Sure thing!" Now you call me here, ping, ping, fucking pinging? What do you want? It's Big Sandy, man.
What about her? She just died, dude.
For Not another one! Oh! I'm knee-deep.
You wanna see it back there.
I got three heroin addicts.
Someone set themselves on fire, and an old woman's died of a stroke! How am I gonna lift her? I'm on me own today! Gary, I'm sorry, man.
It's just I kind of need it doing on tick, dude.
Tick? Does this look like a charity? No.
Does the sign say, "Abracadabra.
Registered fucking charity!"? No, it says "Unertaker.
" The bloody D has fallen off or been peeled off.
And trust me, I got my suspicion about who did that.
No tick.
Absolutely not.
No way, nada, nein, nyet, non gratis.
Now fuck off! Do that again.
I fucking dare you! Do it again.
You wanna fucking live here, you little prick? Get the fuck It just hit me hard.
That's all, man.
Just the thought that, one minute, you can be there, full of life.
Next minute, you're fucking gone.
Mm.
And there's the bloody bipolar.
I spend so much time in me own head.
Like it Life, it's passed me by.
It's gone.
You know, now I'm 30 years old.
I'm thinking to myself, if I die tomorrow, you know, what if I had done, what the fuck would people say about me? Good things, Vin.
They'll say nice things.
You know, you I think you contributed in a lot of important ways.
Yeah? Like what? Go on.
You've There's You can't think of a bloody thing, can you? No! You're a You Well, you sell weed.
What? I sell weed? That's a source of happiness for many people.
Speaking of which, could you sort me out with some for the weekend? I've got some friends coming round for a reunion.
Gonna, you know, slide in a few tunes, roll a couple of fat ones and Then it's the '90s again.
But I think, no, you've contributed in many ways to people's lives.
Was that a yes on the weed? We've been playing football, and I've done some literacy.
Oh, wow.
How did football go? Good.
Good? Did you win? Yes.
We won four, and the other team got none.
Yeah.
Did you score? Yeah.
Good boy.
Oh, all right.
How's tricks? Tricks is good.
How's tricks for you? Oh, don't get me started.
My bowels are bleeding.
Dog's got cystitis.
And as for that dopy bastard, he's been at it again.
What's it this time? Hacking into government computers, HMRC.
Nosing around, trying to find out if Take That have paid their taxes.
Got myself a bloody tag now.
"Flight risk", they're saying.
I told him, "Free rent, free food," and a life-sized cardboard Gandalf.
He's not going anywhere.
Come on in, love.
Vortex? I'm coming.
It's Vinnie.
I've got your weed.
Entry is permitted.
Al right, mate? How's it going, dude? I trust you bought forth my magical herbs.
Your mam says you've had a bit of bother.
The state's trying to silence me, but my powers are too strong.
Their systems and restraints will never shackle my spirits.
I've got your usual 40 there.
Right.
And I have gold coins only.
As long as there's 40 of them, dude.
Can you hack into anywhere, man? Vincent, my powers are unstoppable.
Yeah, what about CCTV? CCTV? Piece of piss, mate! Macaroni and cheese! Ooh! You haven't had that for a while.
No.
All right, what with? What do you want it with? Carrots and bacon.
What? What do you want? Carrots and bacon.
All right, then.
We'll do that.
Go on.
In you go.
And then a little bit of magic dust.
Voila! The Rat And Cutter.
Dude, that's amazing.
Let me have a look at that.
And this, I trust, is where the loot is stashed.
All right.
Can wemake it bigger? Enlarge? I'm sure we can! Fuck, dude! That's the safe there.
Could be in there in seconds.
This image just gets recorded 24/7? From dusk till dawn.
All right, if someone was to rob the place, is there any way we could make the camera go dark for an hour or so? Well, with a little bit more magic sprinkled on, we can record the empty room and play that on a continuous loop back into the security system.
If someone robs it, there'd be no record of them being there? Correct.
All right, and you can set that up? Oh! For a small remuneration, yes.
Free weed for a month.
Three months.
Take the piss.
Five weeks, I throw your mum in a lady shaver.
Done.
Come on, man.
You come on, Vincent! You've made a deal with the wizard.
Ah.
Just get it done.
Now, this basement.
How are you getting access to that? That's my next problem.
Sewers? Sewers.
Sewers.
Sewers.
You're out of your mind.
It's fucking genius.
Think about it.
I have.
It's insane.
Right, listen to me.
Every street has access to its main sewers.
In case of blockage.
In case I don't Whatever.
All we need is one of them tools to open the manhole.
And this is where we need to do our homework now.
There's homework? Christ! We walk along the sewer until we're exactly underneath the Rat And Cutter.
How will you know that? With a measuring thing.
Them things they use on rolls.
The clicky roller measuring thing.
Anyway, listen, we measure it over ground.
Then we know how far underground.
See what I mean? Fool-proof.
Piss off! I'm doing this for Big Sandy's funeral.
Won't we be sloshing with shit? No.
That's a common misconception, 90% of sewage waste is actually water.
That's bullshit! Look it up.
What about the other 10%? Shit! It's not just shit.
There's piss as well.
There's all kinds of stuff.
You're missing the point.
Glen Glenson's office is a basement.
If we know exactly how far down the sewer we need to go, we just need to drill a hole big enough to squeeze through, and we're in there.
This is genius.
Tell me I'm wrong.
You're wrong, mate.
That's the stupidest plan I've heard all year.
Let's see your brilliant plan.
Hang on.
Hang on.
I'm the fucking genius.
There's an easier way.
Bloke comes into the dungeon, Mr Bishop.
After he's done, we get to talking.
He's loaded, right? Him and his missus is getting divorced.
Wonder why.
He says to me She's poisoned the kids against me.
She barely lets them visit.
Now, she's asking for more money.
I don't want her beaten up, just a Just a straight message, you know.
This has to stop.
Correction, that's the stupidest plan I've heard all year.
Three grand.
She's a gold digger.
Count me out.
And me.
And me.
I think it's worth a try.
Banana milk.
No, it's fatty.
Banana milk.
Would you just mind him one minute? All right, what the fuck? What the fuck, what? You two following me.
Do I - Don't know what you're talking about.
Don't lie.
I saw you the other day, and you're back.
What you want? You've got the wrong man, love.
We're just doing a bit of shopping.
That's all.
Shopping? What for? Cheese.
Whiskey.
Whiskey and cheese.
I don't know what this is.
It don't involve me or him, all right? I see you again, I'm calling the police.
Are we doing "good cop, bad cop"? Or two good cops unless she won't see sense.
I dunno, whatever you think.
Good cop, bad cop.
I'll be good cop.
You be bad cop.
Hey, happy doing bad cop? I'll be whatever cop you want.
Bad cop.
You know how to do it, don't you? Mean, mooder.
Don't say owt, just growl.
Growl? Yeah, growl.
You know Yeah.
Fucking not doing that.
I'll be bad cop then.
If you wanna be a bad cop, you be bad cop.
Fine.
Stay as we are.
Christ! It's a nice gaff.
She did well out of this divorce.
He said he just gave it to her.
The kids still live here.
He didn't want to dispute it.
What game is he in? I don't know, man.
Summat to do with fish.
Fish? Fishes.
Fucking fortune.
Hello, boys, what can I do for you? Yeah, uh We're resources for Mr Bishop.
He sent us to have a little chat with you.
Go on.
Yeah.
Let's get right to the point.
Who's this new slut he's seeing? Donna? Sorry, we don't know anything about any Donna.
Blonde, I'm hearing.
Used to manage one of his shops.
We're not here to discuss his new relationship - 29.
What does she want with his shrivelled old cock? Twenty-fucking-nine.
He'll be loving that.
Can never keep his eyes off soft, young flesh.
Suppose he's wandering around like a lovesick puppy.
Er I won't, erm I wouldn't exactly say that.
What I would say is, he's a very unhappy man, which is why we're here to talk to you about why he's so unhappy.
Ain't that right? Sorry.
Crack on with that.
Just one sec.
Dylan! What you want? We've got a problem.
Get here.
What kind of a problem? I'm fucking busy, dude.
Terrence McCann shaped.
All right, I'm on my way.
Back in a half-hour.
You'll be all right on your own.
What? Horseshit, yeah.
You got the keys? Car.
There's a good lad.
All right.
I'm all right.
You sure they were following you? Do I look thick? No, no.
But it could be a coincidence, couldn't it? What? A coincidence? In the street and at the shops? Who have you pissed off? No-one.
If they're following me when I'm with Tyler, that freaks me out, all right? Whoever they are, I need to know he's not in danger.
He's not.
We promise.
Don't we? You promise? So you know who they are.
No, no.
We don't.
We don't know, but we'll work out who they are and fix it.
If you see him again, call me straight away, all right? You better not be lying to me.
We're not lying.
Absolutely not.
On Big Sandy's funeral.
On it.
Don't.
What I don't know, I don't worry about.
All of this cos of some fucking pony.
We've got to put a stop to it.
How? I don't know.
You can offer to buy a new one.
It's his daughter's pride and joy.
Then you gotta find out who Jim sold it to and offer top coin.
He's not gonna remember, is he? I don't know, mate.
Maybe Erin's right, I need to get out of here.
Maybe this Terrence McCann thing is a sign, telling us to move on.
All right.
We'll sort of move on, you know.
"Start your new life.
" Be all right with that.
Yeah? Yeah.
What about when you're at the edge of a bridge again? What then, Vinnie? Who's told you that? Fucking Ralph Roberts? Hey! That's where I go to think when it all gets a bit much.
I wasn't gonna Don't just assume, because I'm bipolar, every time it gets a bit much, I wanna throw myself off a fucking bridge, man.
Even if I did it, it wouldn't be your concern any more.
You're leaving.
I Doesn't matter.
At least we don't have to rob Glen Glenson's safe.
At least that's one problem off my hands.
What's he want? Tommo, what's going on, man? What the fuck have you done? Yeah.
I like that.
That implication it must be me.
I'm in a crap situation so it must be something idiotic I've done.
Cheers very much, man.
Well, is it? Yes.
On this occasion, it happens to be something idiotic that I've done.
But I resent your - Tommo, you've not hurt her, have you? No.
Fuck off.
A woman? Never.
I shagged her.
You shagged her? I didn't want to, did I? She come around with her tits forward, stroking me up.
What was I supposed to do? Not shag her! I defy any man, yourself included, sunshine, to resist under those sort of circumstances.
She might have had a bit of work done, but she's in cracking shape.
I bet she does yoga or summat.
Zumba.
She'll get herself into all these positions.
Really? Yes, she knows what she was doing.
Fuck off.
If you hadn't bailed, none of this would've happened.
So it's my fault you shagged her? Moron.
What if he tells her? What if he finds out? Did you at least wander off before you shagged her? Not exactly.
How do you mean, "not exactly?" Well, not at all.
Brilliant.
That's just fucking brilliant.
The three grand won't happen now, will it? Afterwards, she was like, "He's the jealous type.
Anger issues.
" She promised to keep her mouth shut if I did her again next Saturday.
I'm gonna be shagging her for the rest of my life, aren't I? Sewers.
What? Yeah.
Sunday.
It has to be Sunday evening.
It's the only time he's never there.
All right, Sunday it is.
Listen.
If anyone hears anything, it's just building work, all right? It's like the Hatton Garden job, innit? They all got caught.
Did they? Try that way.
That's the manhole cover tool.
You owe me for this thing.
It's all going in the file.
The deed is done.
You keep an eye on it while we're down there.
Mm-hm.
Do you know what you're doing? Yes.
Tell me.
Keeping watch, making sure no-one comes.
That's right.
And? And And First alert if cops show up.
Good lad.
Don't think we're not taking you there cos you won't be useful.
This is an important part of the mission.
Up here's the eyes and ears.
If you run into any problems, I want you to get me on the walkie-talkie, guaranteed up to 500 metres.
Testing, testing.
Testing, testing.
Received.
Over.
Good lad.
Let's get this done.
It's deep, innit? Of course.
You expected it like the swimming baths.
Get in.
Ash, you go first.
Why me? Why not? You go.
You fucking go.
You fucking go.
You said - I'll go.
Fucking bunch of pussies.
Oh, my God.
Eyes and ears.
What? Nothing.
Get in.
Christ.
It smells like crow's nest, don't it? Which way do we go? What's it saying, eh? Dickhead.
All right, fellow.
Can I get a whole meal chicken wrap? Extra salad, skinny fries and, uh Diet Coke.
Times three.
All right, Vinnie.
You understand what I've done? Come on, mate.
Such fine maidens.
Ah.
'This is Dylan.
I can't come to the phone.
Leave a message.
' Oh, fuck.
'It's Vinnie.
Leave a message at the beep unless it's Dylan.
' Hello.
Jake, write this down.
B-X-0-A-J-W-L.
Erin, what's going on? One tall white guy, one small black guy, both in their 30s.
Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine.
I'll explain later.
Shit.
Oh, shit.
No! Where are you? Hello? Hello, driver? Hello? Over, Uncle.
Come in, over.
Truck! Who's is this truck? Nice.
All right, get up.
Put your shoes on.
But it's bedtime.
Not any more.
I want you to read me a story.
Yes, I will later.
Put these on.
Oh, shit.
Shit! Shit.
Cometh the hour, cometh the man.
I'll be back in a moment.
Kath.
KATH: Give us a minute.
It's urgent.
Why are you here? There's a thingy A truck over the thingy.
Calm down.
What are you saying? There's a truck.
I need to find the driver, ask if he's in it.
It's parked over the The hole the lads are down! They can't get out.
How did a bloody truck park there, Cardi? Where were you? Idiot! What if it's there all night? How will they get out? Cardi! Cardi! Ladies and gents I have no time.
I'm busy.
Get over here.
I've gotta go! You meeting Tommo? What? Why? Yes! Yes, Tommo! Some bird has posted this online.
So big, Tommo! My husband wasn't this big.
Shit! I hope the husband's an understanding sort.
Cardi! No truck drivers.
Get out there and find him! Keep going.
Oh, fuck me! Fucking hell! OK, lower me down.
You're never going to believe this.
We've only gone and done it.
It's the right room! Please be calm.
Please be calm.
You all right? Yeah.
Look at me.
You OK? You sure? All right.
Where's Dylan? No idea.
Where's Vinnie? Have you seen him? No.
Not seen anyone.
Don't know anything, I swear.
Where are they? I don't know.
Ow! Ow! Cardi! Where are they? Kick him in the leg.
Go on.
Ow! God! Tell me.
I don't know.
I don't know! Do it again.
Go on.
Sewers! Sewers! They're drilling their way into the Rat And Cutter to blow the safe.
To blow the safe? They're doing it for you.
For Big Sandy.
When you see them, tell them to ring me.
Why are they doing it for you? I was stupid enough to ask.
All right, we're ready.
Everybody, stand well back.
I am Vortex.
Wizard of purity.
Cover your ears.
And you are running a house of sin and sorrow! Five, four .
.
two, one.
It's Thai money.
Just fuck it.
Get it in the bag.
Get off me! I'm Vortex! You.
Is this yours? Yeah.
Where the fuck have you been?! Do you know the mess you've caused, you prick? You've been drinking, mate.
I've got people down that hole.
Move your bastard truck.
Are you gonna fit down there, you fat git? You fat git.
You fat git.
You fat git.
Size of you, you fat wanker! You can't even say it, you stuttering prick.
You what? You fucking say that again, eh? Arsehole! Oh! Arsehole, is it? Enjoy yourself down there cos you ain't coming back this way.
Wow, man.
That's fine.
I can't believe we got the whole thing.
I've got to say, man, I am impressed.
I know.
I've got a semi.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! All right, lads, how are you doing? You all right? What the fuck are you doing down here? There's been a tiny hiccup.
I'm sorry! Killing him is not gonna get us out of this.
All right.
Fuck.
What are we gonna do? We can't go in there, can we, you fucking idiot? Can't go back there.
If they heard us blowing the safe, they'll be looking.
Oh, my God, we're gonna die.
Shush.
Shut up.
Right, look.
The way I see it, we've only got one option.
What's that, then? We walk.
Sewage flows to the nearest waste plants.
All of these let the sewers run into a main pipe.
It can't be far to the nearest water.
It could be miles, and we've no food.
Ugh.
Have you got a better idea? No.
Has anyone got a better idea? Eh? All right, then.
Let's go.
Fuck this.
Hey, hey.
There's shit everywhere.
Just calm down.
Dickhead! Shit, dude.
By the way .
.
there's a couple of other things you should know, about Erin and Mr Bishop's wife.
No sign of anyone.
You didn't have to come round.
No, just, uh, wanted to make sure you're safe.
Where's Dylan? He's out with his mates somewhere.
His phone was off, so Did you make this up? What? To get me over.
The old damsel-in-distress routine.
Yeah.
Yeah, cos I heard ringing someone and frantically telling them to write down a car reg is like a proper turn on.
It is.
You think they'd ever hurt you? I don't know.
Having a kid it makes you more vulnerable.
You know? But me, I'm used to this shit.
I've had it my whole life.
My brother was always bringing trouble to the door.
But him I try and protect him from it.
You know, when I'm saying this stuff to you, it makes me realise more than ever that this isn't how normal people live.
It's ridiculous.
I'll stay till your boyfriend gets home in case they come back.
What are you gonna do, you middle class ponce? I'm trained in fencing, I'll have you know.
Why do you always listen to me, dick? Why, dick? Because we have a good time.
Yeah, we do.
Let's face it.
We'll be dead in 50 years.
You might as well enjoy yourself.
Yeah, you're not wrong.
We're gonna be dead quicker than that.
We're Stop! Shut up you, you gobshite! Right, which way do we go? Left.
Right.
For fuck's sake.
Right.
Why is that? That sign, B- 7.
Yeah? Pipes are numbered upwards.
This is the only way out.
All right, cool.
Gosh, it's getting worse.
Yeah.
Stinks down here.
What's that? What the fuck is that? It's one of them fatbergs, dude.
A fatberg? It stinks.
Breakfast for you, though.
How are we gonna get past it? Hey, mate.
Hang on.
Maybe we should double back.
Go where? You told us this is the only way out.
We're wandering in the dark, not knowing where we're going.
We'll die! Shut up.
There's no way around.
We'll have to go through it.
Go on, then.
Stand back.
We don't know what's behind it.
Go on, Ash.
Oh, this is not good.
Be careful.
It's probably poisonous.
Shut up.
No! Bollocks.
All right.
The money is soaked.
The phone's fucked.
How are we gonna get home? See you, lads.
Thanks.
Oh! What? It's for Big Sandy.
Yeah, I know, but did it have to be this? You asked for Vinnie's help.
This is what you get.
Oh, it stinks.
No.
No.
Don't.
I mean it.
Jake, this is Dylan.
Dylan, this is Jake.
Erin's college mate.
Yeah.
The mystery men turned up again.
So I called Jake, and he came over.
Yeah, I called you first.
And Vinnie.
Thanks a lot, Jake.
That's good of you.
Yeah.
It's not my place, but you probably need to sort this.
They shouldn't be scaring women and kids.
We don't know who they are.
No.
We don't.
But thanks for the advice.
Well, I should take a shower.
Yeah, I should go.
Stinks.
It smells.
OK, well, thanks.
Thanks for coming over.
No worries.
I'll see you in college.
You're an Internet sensation, Tommo.
Well, I hope she caught my best side.
That wasn't what I asked, was it? I know.
I know.
I know.
Sit down.
No.
I know Mr Bishop, the thing is, yeah, please don't shoot me.
I just got off the phone from my solicitor.
She stitched herself right up.
I can apply for shared custody, reduced maintenance payments, the works.
You played a blinder, Tommo, whether you meant to or not.
Yeah, well, I meant to, didn't I? I could hug you, mate.
Only you really stink of shit.
Fucking hell.
It's gone.
Everyone called Sandy "Big Sandy.
" Rude, you might think, that she had to live her life with her size as part of her name.
But I don't think people meant it that way.
I think, the "Big" referred to her heart.
She once said to me, "Kath, I don't have a bucket list, I have a suck-it list.
" "Smoke-it list, drink-it list, snort-it list.
" Thanks for this, Vin.
Hm.
I'd say, "Any time," but it's been a bloody nightmare.
What did Glen do when he found out? Lost his mind.
Literally, he was beating on the floor with his fists.
Haven't seen him since.
Turns out he owed serious money to serious people.
Hm.
Like who? The Pentachi brothers, Saul Channing, Cal Vosso, and some other guy.
Terrance someone.
McCann? Yeah, do you know him? We've stolen the money that belongs to Terrence McCann? It's not our problem, is it? It's Glen's.
As long as no-one ever finds out it was us.
And how is anyone ever gonna find that out? Yeah.
We'll be fine.
I'm Joe Blane Junior.
I'm fighting Ashley.
We do our talking the way we've always done.
With these.
He's a fucking tough lad.
I'm a Dennings.
We don't lose fights.
Think of the money we've got riding on it.
You are gonna get killed.
It's absolutely ridiculous.
Pull out.
I can't pull out.
We could be like, you know, therapy for each other.
I've gotta have a bare-knuckle fight with a brutal traveller on Tuesday, so can we do it after that? AccessibleCustomerService@sky.
uk
You understand what I've done? How I've placed them.
Tell me what's next.
All right, Vinnie.
You understand what I've done? How I've placed them.
Tell me what's next.
You attach the wires to the batch terminal, which ignites the nitro-glycerine.
Good lad.
But before that, what do you do? Stand well back.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Vinnie! What? Vin! Fucking What's going on? What? It's Big Sandy.
What? What, love? What about it? She's gone.
One sec.
One sec.
Where's she gone? She's gone, Vin.
Gone where? She's dead.
She's dead, Vin.
Come here.
It's all right.
It's all right.
Ooh, er It's morning glory.
Doesn't mean anything.
All right? Sit.
You have a sit down.
I'm gonna make a brew.
We'll all help with the funeral, all right? Flowers, speeches.
Yeah, but who's gonna pay for it? Sam didn't have any savings.
What about your boss? That fucking wanker? He's tighter than a crab's arse.
Glen Glenson, Google "slippery fuck-wit" and there's a photo of Glen.
Get the fat fuck moved.
We have punters coming in an hour.
Big Sandy was the Madame of the Rat And Cutter, the local strip club cum brothel.
She was big in every respect.
She loved life, and life loved her.
He's got money, thousands.
We know he has.
We earn it.
Can't you get your hands on it? He keeps it in a massive safe in his office.
He has me in there once a month to suck his balls.
Oh! Oh! Bloody hell.
But where's his office? Basement.
It's like Fort Knox in there Vin, bolted doors, CCTV.
Do any of you have the keys? Does he ever leave it open? Uh-uh.
Shit.
We have to do something.
She deserves a good send-off.
The fuck you doing? Mo.
The bell, once, that's all it takes, not ping, ping, ping.
How could you expect me to get out here? Ping, ping, All day long.
And you, you twat! You gave me a bum steer on that horse! 800 I put on Martika's Kitchen.
It came fucking sixth.
Hang on.
We all lost money that day.
I never said it was a sure thing.
You said, "Sure thing.
" Those were your exact words.
"Sure thing!" Now you call me here, ping, ping, fucking pinging? What do you want? It's Big Sandy, man.
What about her? She just died, dude.
For Not another one! Oh! I'm knee-deep.
You wanna see it back there.
I got three heroin addicts.
Someone set themselves on fire, and an old woman's died of a stroke! How am I gonna lift her? I'm on me own today! Gary, I'm sorry, man.
It's just I kind of need it doing on tick, dude.
Tick? Does this look like a charity? No.
Does the sign say, "Abracadabra.
Registered fucking charity!"? No, it says "Unertaker.
" The bloody D has fallen off or been peeled off.
And trust me, I got my suspicion about who did that.
No tick.
Absolutely not.
No way, nada, nein, nyet, non gratis.
Now fuck off! Do that again.
I fucking dare you! Do it again.
You wanna fucking live here, you little prick? Get the fuck It just hit me hard.
That's all, man.
Just the thought that, one minute, you can be there, full of life.
Next minute, you're fucking gone.
Mm.
And there's the bloody bipolar.
I spend so much time in me own head.
Like it Life, it's passed me by.
It's gone.
You know, now I'm 30 years old.
I'm thinking to myself, if I die tomorrow, you know, what if I had done, what the fuck would people say about me? Good things, Vin.
They'll say nice things.
You know, you I think you contributed in a lot of important ways.
Yeah? Like what? Go on.
You've There's You can't think of a bloody thing, can you? No! You're a You Well, you sell weed.
What? I sell weed? That's a source of happiness for many people.
Speaking of which, could you sort me out with some for the weekend? I've got some friends coming round for a reunion.
Gonna, you know, slide in a few tunes, roll a couple of fat ones and Then it's the '90s again.
But I think, no, you've contributed in many ways to people's lives.
Was that a yes on the weed? We've been playing football, and I've done some literacy.
Oh, wow.
How did football go? Good.
Good? Did you win? Yes.
We won four, and the other team got none.
Yeah.
Did you score? Yeah.
Good boy.
Oh, all right.
How's tricks? Tricks is good.
How's tricks for you? Oh, don't get me started.
My bowels are bleeding.
Dog's got cystitis.
And as for that dopy bastard, he's been at it again.
What's it this time? Hacking into government computers, HMRC.
Nosing around, trying to find out if Take That have paid their taxes.
Got myself a bloody tag now.
"Flight risk", they're saying.
I told him, "Free rent, free food," and a life-sized cardboard Gandalf.
He's not going anywhere.
Come on in, love.
Vortex? I'm coming.
It's Vinnie.
I've got your weed.
Entry is permitted.
Al right, mate? How's it going, dude? I trust you bought forth my magical herbs.
Your mam says you've had a bit of bother.
The state's trying to silence me, but my powers are too strong.
Their systems and restraints will never shackle my spirits.
I've got your usual 40 there.
Right.
And I have gold coins only.
As long as there's 40 of them, dude.
Can you hack into anywhere, man? Vincent, my powers are unstoppable.
Yeah, what about CCTV? CCTV? Piece of piss, mate! Macaroni and cheese! Ooh! You haven't had that for a while.
No.
All right, what with? What do you want it with? Carrots and bacon.
What? What do you want? Carrots and bacon.
All right, then.
We'll do that.
Go on.
In you go.
And then a little bit of magic dust.
Voila! The Rat And Cutter.
Dude, that's amazing.
Let me have a look at that.
And this, I trust, is where the loot is stashed.
All right.
Can wemake it bigger? Enlarge? I'm sure we can! Fuck, dude! That's the safe there.
Could be in there in seconds.
This image just gets recorded 24/7? From dusk till dawn.
All right, if someone was to rob the place, is there any way we could make the camera go dark for an hour or so? Well, with a little bit more magic sprinkled on, we can record the empty room and play that on a continuous loop back into the security system.
If someone robs it, there'd be no record of them being there? Correct.
All right, and you can set that up? Oh! For a small remuneration, yes.
Free weed for a month.
Three months.
Take the piss.
Five weeks, I throw your mum in a lady shaver.
Done.
Come on, man.
You come on, Vincent! You've made a deal with the wizard.
Ah.
Just get it done.
Now, this basement.
How are you getting access to that? That's my next problem.
Sewers? Sewers.
Sewers.
Sewers.
You're out of your mind.
It's fucking genius.
Think about it.
I have.
It's insane.
Right, listen to me.
Every street has access to its main sewers.
In case of blockage.
In case I don't Whatever.
All we need is one of them tools to open the manhole.
And this is where we need to do our homework now.
There's homework? Christ! We walk along the sewer until we're exactly underneath the Rat And Cutter.
How will you know that? With a measuring thing.
Them things they use on rolls.
The clicky roller measuring thing.
Anyway, listen, we measure it over ground.
Then we know how far underground.
See what I mean? Fool-proof.
Piss off! I'm doing this for Big Sandy's funeral.
Won't we be sloshing with shit? No.
That's a common misconception, 90% of sewage waste is actually water.
That's bullshit! Look it up.
What about the other 10%? Shit! It's not just shit.
There's piss as well.
There's all kinds of stuff.
You're missing the point.
Glen Glenson's office is a basement.
If we know exactly how far down the sewer we need to go, we just need to drill a hole big enough to squeeze through, and we're in there.
This is genius.
Tell me I'm wrong.
You're wrong, mate.
That's the stupidest plan I've heard all year.
Let's see your brilliant plan.
Hang on.
Hang on.
I'm the fucking genius.
There's an easier way.
Bloke comes into the dungeon, Mr Bishop.
After he's done, we get to talking.
He's loaded, right? Him and his missus is getting divorced.
Wonder why.
He says to me She's poisoned the kids against me.
She barely lets them visit.
Now, she's asking for more money.
I don't want her beaten up, just a Just a straight message, you know.
This has to stop.
Correction, that's the stupidest plan I've heard all year.
Three grand.
She's a gold digger.
Count me out.
And me.
And me.
I think it's worth a try.
Banana milk.
No, it's fatty.
Banana milk.
Would you just mind him one minute? All right, what the fuck? What the fuck, what? You two following me.
Do I - Don't know what you're talking about.
Don't lie.
I saw you the other day, and you're back.
What you want? You've got the wrong man, love.
We're just doing a bit of shopping.
That's all.
Shopping? What for? Cheese.
Whiskey.
Whiskey and cheese.
I don't know what this is.
It don't involve me or him, all right? I see you again, I'm calling the police.
Are we doing "good cop, bad cop"? Or two good cops unless she won't see sense.
I dunno, whatever you think.
Good cop, bad cop.
I'll be good cop.
You be bad cop.
Hey, happy doing bad cop? I'll be whatever cop you want.
Bad cop.
You know how to do it, don't you? Mean, mooder.
Don't say owt, just growl.
Growl? Yeah, growl.
You know Yeah.
Fucking not doing that.
I'll be bad cop then.
If you wanna be a bad cop, you be bad cop.
Fine.
Stay as we are.
Christ! It's a nice gaff.
She did well out of this divorce.
He said he just gave it to her.
The kids still live here.
He didn't want to dispute it.
What game is he in? I don't know, man.
Summat to do with fish.
Fish? Fishes.
Fucking fortune.
Hello, boys, what can I do for you? Yeah, uh We're resources for Mr Bishop.
He sent us to have a little chat with you.
Go on.
Yeah.
Let's get right to the point.
Who's this new slut he's seeing? Donna? Sorry, we don't know anything about any Donna.
Blonde, I'm hearing.
Used to manage one of his shops.
We're not here to discuss his new relationship - 29.
What does she want with his shrivelled old cock? Twenty-fucking-nine.
He'll be loving that.
Can never keep his eyes off soft, young flesh.
Suppose he's wandering around like a lovesick puppy.
Er I won't, erm I wouldn't exactly say that.
What I would say is, he's a very unhappy man, which is why we're here to talk to you about why he's so unhappy.
Ain't that right? Sorry.
Crack on with that.
Just one sec.
Dylan! What you want? We've got a problem.
Get here.
What kind of a problem? I'm fucking busy, dude.
Terrence McCann shaped.
All right, I'm on my way.
Back in a half-hour.
You'll be all right on your own.
What? Horseshit, yeah.
You got the keys? Car.
There's a good lad.
All right.
I'm all right.
You sure they were following you? Do I look thick? No, no.
But it could be a coincidence, couldn't it? What? A coincidence? In the street and at the shops? Who have you pissed off? No-one.
If they're following me when I'm with Tyler, that freaks me out, all right? Whoever they are, I need to know he's not in danger.
He's not.
We promise.
Don't we? You promise? So you know who they are.
No, no.
We don't.
We don't know, but we'll work out who they are and fix it.
If you see him again, call me straight away, all right? You better not be lying to me.
We're not lying.
Absolutely not.
On Big Sandy's funeral.
On it.
Don't.
What I don't know, I don't worry about.
All of this cos of some fucking pony.
We've got to put a stop to it.
How? I don't know.
You can offer to buy a new one.
It's his daughter's pride and joy.
Then you gotta find out who Jim sold it to and offer top coin.
He's not gonna remember, is he? I don't know, mate.
Maybe Erin's right, I need to get out of here.
Maybe this Terrence McCann thing is a sign, telling us to move on.
All right.
We'll sort of move on, you know.
"Start your new life.
" Be all right with that.
Yeah? Yeah.
What about when you're at the edge of a bridge again? What then, Vinnie? Who's told you that? Fucking Ralph Roberts? Hey! That's where I go to think when it all gets a bit much.
I wasn't gonna Don't just assume, because I'm bipolar, every time it gets a bit much, I wanna throw myself off a fucking bridge, man.
Even if I did it, it wouldn't be your concern any more.
You're leaving.
I Doesn't matter.
At least we don't have to rob Glen Glenson's safe.
At least that's one problem off my hands.
What's he want? Tommo, what's going on, man? What the fuck have you done? Yeah.
I like that.
That implication it must be me.
I'm in a crap situation so it must be something idiotic I've done.
Cheers very much, man.
Well, is it? Yes.
On this occasion, it happens to be something idiotic that I've done.
But I resent your - Tommo, you've not hurt her, have you? No.
Fuck off.
A woman? Never.
I shagged her.
You shagged her? I didn't want to, did I? She come around with her tits forward, stroking me up.
What was I supposed to do? Not shag her! I defy any man, yourself included, sunshine, to resist under those sort of circumstances.
She might have had a bit of work done, but she's in cracking shape.
I bet she does yoga or summat.
Zumba.
She'll get herself into all these positions.
Really? Yes, she knows what she was doing.
Fuck off.
If you hadn't bailed, none of this would've happened.
So it's my fault you shagged her? Moron.
What if he tells her? What if he finds out? Did you at least wander off before you shagged her? Not exactly.
How do you mean, "not exactly?" Well, not at all.
Brilliant.
That's just fucking brilliant.
The three grand won't happen now, will it? Afterwards, she was like, "He's the jealous type.
Anger issues.
" She promised to keep her mouth shut if I did her again next Saturday.
I'm gonna be shagging her for the rest of my life, aren't I? Sewers.
What? Yeah.
Sunday.
It has to be Sunday evening.
It's the only time he's never there.
All right, Sunday it is.
Listen.
If anyone hears anything, it's just building work, all right? It's like the Hatton Garden job, innit? They all got caught.
Did they? Try that way.
That's the manhole cover tool.
You owe me for this thing.
It's all going in the file.
The deed is done.
You keep an eye on it while we're down there.
Mm-hm.
Do you know what you're doing? Yes.
Tell me.
Keeping watch, making sure no-one comes.
That's right.
And? And And First alert if cops show up.
Good lad.
Don't think we're not taking you there cos you won't be useful.
This is an important part of the mission.
Up here's the eyes and ears.
If you run into any problems, I want you to get me on the walkie-talkie, guaranteed up to 500 metres.
Testing, testing.
Testing, testing.
Received.
Over.
Good lad.
Let's get this done.
It's deep, innit? Of course.
You expected it like the swimming baths.
Get in.
Ash, you go first.
Why me? Why not? You go.
You fucking go.
You fucking go.
You said - I'll go.
Fucking bunch of pussies.
Oh, my God.
Eyes and ears.
What? Nothing.
Get in.
Christ.
It smells like crow's nest, don't it? Which way do we go? What's it saying, eh? Dickhead.
All right, fellow.
Can I get a whole meal chicken wrap? Extra salad, skinny fries and, uh Diet Coke.
Times three.
All right, Vinnie.
You understand what I've done? Come on, mate.
Such fine maidens.
Ah.
'This is Dylan.
I can't come to the phone.
Leave a message.
' Oh, fuck.
'It's Vinnie.
Leave a message at the beep unless it's Dylan.
' Hello.
Jake, write this down.
B-X-0-A-J-W-L.
Erin, what's going on? One tall white guy, one small black guy, both in their 30s.
Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine.
I'll explain later.
Shit.
Oh, shit.
No! Where are you? Hello? Hello, driver? Hello? Over, Uncle.
Come in, over.
Truck! Who's is this truck? Nice.
All right, get up.
Put your shoes on.
But it's bedtime.
Not any more.
I want you to read me a story.
Yes, I will later.
Put these on.
Oh, shit.
Shit! Shit.
Cometh the hour, cometh the man.
I'll be back in a moment.
Kath.
KATH: Give us a minute.
It's urgent.
Why are you here? There's a thingy A truck over the thingy.
Calm down.
What are you saying? There's a truck.
I need to find the driver, ask if he's in it.
It's parked over the The hole the lads are down! They can't get out.
How did a bloody truck park there, Cardi? Where were you? Idiot! What if it's there all night? How will they get out? Cardi! Cardi! Ladies and gents I have no time.
I'm busy.
Get over here.
I've gotta go! You meeting Tommo? What? Why? Yes! Yes, Tommo! Some bird has posted this online.
So big, Tommo! My husband wasn't this big.
Shit! I hope the husband's an understanding sort.
Cardi! No truck drivers.
Get out there and find him! Keep going.
Oh, fuck me! Fucking hell! OK, lower me down.
You're never going to believe this.
We've only gone and done it.
It's the right room! Please be calm.
Please be calm.
You all right? Yeah.
Look at me.
You OK? You sure? All right.
Where's Dylan? No idea.
Where's Vinnie? Have you seen him? No.
Not seen anyone.
Don't know anything, I swear.
Where are they? I don't know.
Ow! Ow! Cardi! Where are they? Kick him in the leg.
Go on.
Ow! God! Tell me.
I don't know.
I don't know! Do it again.
Go on.
Sewers! Sewers! They're drilling their way into the Rat And Cutter to blow the safe.
To blow the safe? They're doing it for you.
For Big Sandy.
When you see them, tell them to ring me.
Why are they doing it for you? I was stupid enough to ask.
All right, we're ready.
Everybody, stand well back.
I am Vortex.
Wizard of purity.
Cover your ears.
And you are running a house of sin and sorrow! Five, four .
.
two, one.
It's Thai money.
Just fuck it.
Get it in the bag.
Get off me! I'm Vortex! You.
Is this yours? Yeah.
Where the fuck have you been?! Do you know the mess you've caused, you prick? You've been drinking, mate.
I've got people down that hole.
Move your bastard truck.
Are you gonna fit down there, you fat git? You fat git.
You fat git.
You fat git.
Size of you, you fat wanker! You can't even say it, you stuttering prick.
You what? You fucking say that again, eh? Arsehole! Oh! Arsehole, is it? Enjoy yourself down there cos you ain't coming back this way.
Wow, man.
That's fine.
I can't believe we got the whole thing.
I've got to say, man, I am impressed.
I know.
I've got a semi.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! All right, lads, how are you doing? You all right? What the fuck are you doing down here? There's been a tiny hiccup.
I'm sorry! Killing him is not gonna get us out of this.
All right.
Fuck.
What are we gonna do? We can't go in there, can we, you fucking idiot? Can't go back there.
If they heard us blowing the safe, they'll be looking.
Oh, my God, we're gonna die.
Shush.
Shut up.
Right, look.
The way I see it, we've only got one option.
What's that, then? We walk.
Sewage flows to the nearest waste plants.
All of these let the sewers run into a main pipe.
It can't be far to the nearest water.
It could be miles, and we've no food.
Ugh.
Have you got a better idea? No.
Has anyone got a better idea? Eh? All right, then.
Let's go.
Fuck this.
Hey, hey.
There's shit everywhere.
Just calm down.
Dickhead! Shit, dude.
By the way .
.
there's a couple of other things you should know, about Erin and Mr Bishop's wife.
No sign of anyone.
You didn't have to come round.
No, just, uh, wanted to make sure you're safe.
Where's Dylan? He's out with his mates somewhere.
His phone was off, so Did you make this up? What? To get me over.
The old damsel-in-distress routine.
Yeah.
Yeah, cos I heard ringing someone and frantically telling them to write down a car reg is like a proper turn on.
It is.
You think they'd ever hurt you? I don't know.
Having a kid it makes you more vulnerable.
You know? But me, I'm used to this shit.
I've had it my whole life.
My brother was always bringing trouble to the door.
But him I try and protect him from it.
You know, when I'm saying this stuff to you, it makes me realise more than ever that this isn't how normal people live.
It's ridiculous.
I'll stay till your boyfriend gets home in case they come back.
What are you gonna do, you middle class ponce? I'm trained in fencing, I'll have you know.
Why do you always listen to me, dick? Why, dick? Because we have a good time.
Yeah, we do.
Let's face it.
We'll be dead in 50 years.
You might as well enjoy yourself.
Yeah, you're not wrong.
We're gonna be dead quicker than that.
We're Stop! Shut up you, you gobshite! Right, which way do we go? Left.
Right.
For fuck's sake.
Right.
Why is that? That sign, B- 7.
Yeah? Pipes are numbered upwards.
This is the only way out.
All right, cool.
Gosh, it's getting worse.
Yeah.
Stinks down here.
What's that? What the fuck is that? It's one of them fatbergs, dude.
A fatberg? It stinks.
Breakfast for you, though.
How are we gonna get past it? Hey, mate.
Hang on.
Maybe we should double back.
Go where? You told us this is the only way out.
We're wandering in the dark, not knowing where we're going.
We'll die! Shut up.
There's no way around.
We'll have to go through it.
Go on, then.
Stand back.
We don't know what's behind it.
Go on, Ash.
Oh, this is not good.
Be careful.
It's probably poisonous.
Shut up.
No! Bollocks.
All right.
The money is soaked.
The phone's fucked.
How are we gonna get home? See you, lads.
Thanks.
Oh! What? It's for Big Sandy.
Yeah, I know, but did it have to be this? You asked for Vinnie's help.
This is what you get.
Oh, it stinks.
No.
No.
Don't.
I mean it.
Jake, this is Dylan.
Dylan, this is Jake.
Erin's college mate.
Yeah.
The mystery men turned up again.
So I called Jake, and he came over.
Yeah, I called you first.
And Vinnie.
Thanks a lot, Jake.
That's good of you.
Yeah.
It's not my place, but you probably need to sort this.
They shouldn't be scaring women and kids.
We don't know who they are.
No.
We don't.
But thanks for the advice.
Well, I should take a shower.
Yeah, I should go.
Stinks.
It smells.
OK, well, thanks.
Thanks for coming over.
No worries.
I'll see you in college.
You're an Internet sensation, Tommo.
Well, I hope she caught my best side.
That wasn't what I asked, was it? I know.
I know.
I know.
Sit down.
No.
I know Mr Bishop, the thing is, yeah, please don't shoot me.
I just got off the phone from my solicitor.
She stitched herself right up.
I can apply for shared custody, reduced maintenance payments, the works.
You played a blinder, Tommo, whether you meant to or not.
Yeah, well, I meant to, didn't I? I could hug you, mate.
Only you really stink of shit.
Fucking hell.
It's gone.
Everyone called Sandy "Big Sandy.
" Rude, you might think, that she had to live her life with her size as part of her name.
But I don't think people meant it that way.
I think, the "Big" referred to her heart.
She once said to me, "Kath, I don't have a bucket list, I have a suck-it list.
" "Smoke-it list, drink-it list, snort-it list.
" Thanks for this, Vin.
Hm.
I'd say, "Any time," but it's been a bloody nightmare.
What did Glen do when he found out? Lost his mind.
Literally, he was beating on the floor with his fists.
Haven't seen him since.
Turns out he owed serious money to serious people.
Hm.
Like who? The Pentachi brothers, Saul Channing, Cal Vosso, and some other guy.
Terrance someone.
McCann? Yeah, do you know him? We've stolen the money that belongs to Terrence McCann? It's not our problem, is it? It's Glen's.
As long as no-one ever finds out it was us.
And how is anyone ever gonna find that out? Yeah.
We'll be fine.
I'm Joe Blane Junior.
I'm fighting Ashley.
We do our talking the way we've always done.
With these.
He's a fucking tough lad.
I'm a Dennings.
We don't lose fights.
Think of the money we've got riding on it.
You are gonna get killed.
It's absolutely ridiculous.
Pull out.
I can't pull out.
We could be like, you know, therapy for each other.
I've gotta have a bare-knuckle fight with a brutal traveller on Tuesday, so can we do it after that? AccessibleCustomerService@sky.
uk