Breeders (2020) s01e02 Episode Script

- Where's Giraffe? - He's down here, love.
- He's on the settee.
- Did you say settee? How have I never noticed you say "settee" before? What should I say then? Couch? "Couch?" No, twat.
Sofa.
It's a sofa.
- Is Giraffe alive? - Not really.
- Is Giraffe dead? - Come on.
Let's not be late to parents' evening.
Only people in their slippers are late for parents' evening.
- Oh, bugger.
- What? - Dad's had a fall.
- Oh, no.
A bad one? Is he okay? He says he's all right.
Just bruises and I'm guessing that's "sprained ankle.
" It's auto-corrected to "spirit animal.
" He's at that age where you don't fall over.
You "have a fall.
" No one ever says Lionel Messi's had a fall.
"He's onside.
He's in the box.
But oh, no, look.
Lionel's had a fall.
" - Oi.
- Watch it.
Mind the road.
Oh, man.
I am not ready to be looking after Mum and Dad, you know? I mean, I don't mind this sort of parenting thing, but one where you're actually wiping your own parents' asses, that's a different ball game.
Luke, careful.
Sorry.
Sorry.
He thinks he's oh, I can't think of a famous scooterer.
I don't think there are any.
So will we be seeing Luke in the Year Three production? - Um - Um, not on stage, but he's doing that sort of behind-the-scenes stuff, - aren't you, love? - I'm doing all the lights.
- Aw.
- Oh, well.
Never mind.
Maybe next year.
Come on.
Fuck them.
The fucking Hicksons.
And their fucking outfits.
- Ponces.
I can't stand him.
- Or her.
Do you know that she's having an affair? Not for the first time either 'cause he's so gray and dull, and she seems sort of '70s-swinger throwback.
- We're best, aren't we? - We are best.
He's basically a pleasure to teach.
- Aww.
- Aw, good.
He's very happy, joins in.
Well-behaved, usually.
The main thing, really, is that Luke's happy at Park Grove and he wants to come to school - every morning.
- Yeah.
Yes.
Sorry.
Y-You you were saying earlier on about Luke's reading - Yes.
- That it was average.
For his age, yes.
Absolutely where he should be.
Right.
'Cause I thought, um I mean, he's not a genius or anything.
- They've extinguished - Wow.
I didn't know you knew that word.
That's a big word for a seven-year-old to know.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
You're actually reading it.
You're not just remembering it from when I read it to you.
No, I'm good at reading and writing.
Yes, you are, clever sausage.
You know, I wanted to be a writer when I was a kid or an artist, you know? Cartoonist, maybe combine the two.
Why didn't you? Eh, you know, life gets in the way, doesn't it? You drift.
Then you two came along I'm not blaming you.
Just, you did ask.
Right.
Chapter four.
I mean, obviously I'm not saying he's gifted, but he's not ungifted, and if you're saying he's average Luke's around about where we would expect him to be for this part of Key Stage 1.
His reading is bang-on target.
Great.
On target is great.
It's great.
Luke loves reading.
It's just books, books, books, books, books.
Aw.
That's good to hear.
Sometimes I say to him, "Can you just put the book down and play with the bloody iPad?" I don't.
I don't.
That was just a joke.
We don't swear at home or anywhere actually.
Sorry.
Uh Just two I'm sorry, I don't want to bang on relentlessly about this I promise you But are there any above average readers in Luke's class? W-we have young learners with a wide range of abilities.
A significant percentage of our pupils have a first language other than English.
- Right.
- So everyone works towards a target that suits their ability.
And that works? I mean, in the same classroom, no one suffers, the gifted or We tend not to say "gifted" these days.
- Right.
- But no one is at a disadvantage - in a mixed ability classroom.
- Mm.
In fact, all the children tend to - Be average.
Great.
- thrive.
Such a lovely vibe about this school.
- Ooh.
- Oh, thank you.
And I presume we'll be seeing Ava in the Park Grove reception class in September.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
She'll be here.
Oh.
- Excellent.
- Right.
Look, I'm just trying to make sure Jesus, Paul.
Jesus Christ up a tree.
Can't you see how out of order you've been? Are you two arguing? No, it's a loud, tense discussion.
Go and get ready for your bath.
I'm sorry.
I thought we discussed putting Ava's name down ages ago.
- Bollocks did we.
- Look, if she can get a reception place at West Street School But we looked at that school for Luke, and it was massively oversubscribed.
No, there were less four-year-olds in their catchment this year, so Ava has a real chance of getting in.
And with the sibling policy What, then Luke could be first in the queue when a place becomes free? It's the golden ticket, mate.
Hofstede says West Street is outstanding.
It stands out.
Park Grove is adequate.
Now, Luke and Ava are smart kids, Ally.
They need to fulfill their potential.
Uh-oh, my vest is stuck on my ears again.
- I can't get it off.
- Oh, Christ.
There's all that amazing music and drama at Park Grove.
It's meant a lot, the poetry slam.
I love poetry.
I love it, the idea of it.
But what about reading and maths? West Street is outstanding at reading and maths.
Am I going to a new school? - No.
- Maybe.
Not yet.
Don't worry about it.
Let's not pressure them.
It's only primary school.
They should be enjoying themselves.
Yeah, I know.
But if they don't pass their SATs, right, they don't get into the good secondary, and then they don't get into the good university, so they can't get a decent job.
They can't afford to rent, let alone buy a flat.
They can't settle down.
They can't have kids.
Ava is only four.
How have we got to her having kids already? Luke is happy where he is.
Plus, it's 13 seconds away.
It would take longer to teleport because you'd have to plug the teleporter in or connect it to Bluetooth or however they work.
But what has brought this on? Nothing's brought this on.
I just want Shut the fuck up with the splashing! Jesus Christ.
I just want what's best for the kids, and I don't want to set them up to fail this early on.
- There's nothing more to it? - Nope.
I'm so relieved, Nadia.
And really pleased for Helen.
That's a huge weight off my mind and my shoulders.
- Really? - Absolutely.
Because my fear was if I'd got this promotion Sideways move, whatever you want to call it - It is a promotion.
- My fear was that, uh, it's basically just an admin job, and that would take me away from I don't know, I guess a lot of what I do now you could call admin, but I still feel like I'm, if not at the cold face, then certainly still down in the pit doing mine with my filthy hands and my coolish pasties.
Sorry, that's tin mining.
Do you want any feedback as to why Helen got the job over you? No, I'm all right, I think.
- Oh.
- No.
Yes, I would please.
Can I hear it? Well, you're the longest serving employee here, - hugely respected by everyone.
- Thank you.
But you just didn't seem that hungry for this new challenge, and we needed someone hungry.
- Right.
- Mm.
Okay.
That's food for thought.
I appreciate the feedback of the thought food that I am hungry for.
- Sorry.
Thank you.
- Hmm.
Uh, yeah.
Thank you.
- Cheers.
- Bye, Paul.
We inquired about places, by the way, rang 'em up.
What? Places? Rang who up? Langham House old peoples' home or whatever you call it now.
Care facility.
The tier council-funded residence.
There's a Bookie's two streets away.
We'd be happy there.
You don't need to be in a home.
- What are you on about? - Jim's falls made us think.
We're not getting any more nimble, and you don't want to be looking after us when we do lally, do you, or have us staying with you dribbling all over, the short audible farts, et cetera.
This is daft.
Stop talking daft.
You got years till you start thinking about that stuff.
- Ooh! - Hey, steady, Dad.
They gave you a stick.
Use your stick.
I don't want to use me stick.
I'll look old with my stick.
You look old with your face, mate, - never mind your bloody stick.
- Sit down here.
I'll put this stuff in the loft.
What is all this crap anyway? Oh, it's things we buy off the shopping channels.
It's our secret shame.
What's this thing? It's a kit to turn 8mm cine film into video.
We've never had a cine camera.
No, I know that now, but I forgot in the QVC excitement.
They're very persuasive, those people.
- Mm-hmm.
- They could be barristers or hypnotists.
But we want it all hidden in the loft 'cause a means-test lady's coming to see if we're eligible for council funding at the care home.
Stop talking about going into a care home, or I'll put you in a care home.
You like your school, don't you, Luke? - No.
- What, you mean you don't like your school, or you just don't like going to school? I like our house.
Yeah, but you can't be homeschooled because you'll end up on "Only Connect.
" - Mommy, I can't find my sneakers.
- What? I don't understand.
- Surprise! - Ah! Fuck! Oh! Oh, God.
Oh, Michael? Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.
- Oh, my balls.
- You mustn't say balls.
It's rude.
We say "rice-icles.
" It's "testicles.
" It's not "rice-icles.
" - Hello.
- Hi, honey.
Huh.
You kept all my drawings.
Of course.
We're proud of them.
They're in the loft, though.
We're not gonna frame them, are we? That would be weird to have something up on the wall that your son drew when he was ten and now he's 45.
- Yeah, fair enough.
- The loft is a halfway house between having them on the wall and burning them on the allotment.
I wish you could've carried on with your drawing, Paul.
You were good.
Okay, fine.
Um, Helen, h-hi.
I just wanted to say huge congratulations on getting the job.
Oh, thank you, Paul.
I've been wanting to say to you that No.
I know.
It's difficult, isn't it? Is it commiserations? That seems a bit heavy.
No one died.
- Yeah.
Bad luck then.
- Thank you.
I still think you should've got the job.
You've been here so long.
Well, thank yes.
No.
I have been here a while.
Y-you went to Cambridge, right? Yeah.
Not really.
I mean, I did go there, yeah, but it was one of the newer colleges.
I didn't deserve to get in at all.
Total fluke.
They probably just let in a couple lucky thickos every year.
- Come on.
- You? No, I didn't really do university.
I thought perhaps I might go to art school, maybe.
Why didn't you? Life gets in the way, doesn't it? You drift.
Suddenly you find yourself in late 30s, and Where do you live? Wherever I lay my hat.
You haven't got a hat.
Have you lost your hat? I thought you were in Cape Town? Well, Cheryl kicked me to the curb.
We were too far apart.
Yeah, by about 40 years.
- Is he really your daddy? - Yep.
You haven't got a daddy.
- Everybody's got a daddy.
- Hmm, yes.
Some more than others.
C-could we walk a bit more slowly please? My balls.
- Rice-icles.
- Let's just say "balls.
" Balls is fine.
Balls! Give our love to the little ones.
- Yeah.
- Does Luke still want to be an astronaut? He told me he wanted to be a rhino.
Oh, well, he can be whatever he wants.
I love it when we say that.
He can't, can he? No.
"Dream big," it's such a lie.
You should try that St.
John's wort.
It perks you up.
No, I'm fine.
I'm not depressed.
I'm just a realist.
What was I on when I had my episode? - Lithium.
- Lithium.
But they don't do that anymore.
It's like the electric shocks.
I don't need lithium.
Don't knock it till you've tried it.
Fuckin' brilliant.
I didn't know the time of day or who I was.
I just floated from one meal to the other, no pants on.
Terrific.
I was on the vodka with it, so that helped.
God, you're a lucky woman.
Look, Luke loves his dinosaurs, right, so we say to him, "You're gonna be a paleontologist.
" But he's not gonna be a paleontologist, is he? Ava loves her ballet, but she's not gonna be a ballerina.
Why not? Ballerinas exist, Paul.
I've seen them.
Mum, lottery millionaires exist.
Conjoined twins exist.
Sexy racists exist, but they're rare.
Ava will most likely become an area manager for Super Drug, not a ballerina.
You've lost your spark, Paul.
I always blamed that secondary school you went to.
Whoa.
Hang on.
St.
Edmunds was great.
It was the best state school in the area.
I know, but they sucked all the creativity out of you.
You never said that at the time.
You stopped your writing.
You stopped drawing.
Before you went there, you were bursting with creativity.
Then you became a husk.
A husk? Fucking hell.
Not a husk, Jim.
He wasn't a husk.
Wrong word.
Sorry.
I'm on codeine for me ankle.
They didn't value art or stories at St.
Edmunds.
They thought life was a battle and you should knuckle down and pass your exams and get a good job, which you did, so there's that.
And you love your work, don't you? - Yeah.
- You still at that charity place? Yeah, for 22 years now, Dad.
Thought so.
Christ.
- Love you.
- Bye.
Oh.
Whoa.
Ooh.
- Whoa! You're a magician.
- Mmhmm.
- Have I met you before? - Yeah, you wouldn't remember.
You were tiny when I last visited.
And you, sweet little Ava, barely even existed.
- Was I dead? - No one's ever dead.
Our molecules existed when the universe formed, and they'll exist for eternity.
We all live forever, so you never have to be scared of anything.
Really? Nothing? You've been around since the dawn of time.
What's there to be scared of? Can you help me with my homework? Don't do homework, Lukey.
- Rip it up.
It's useless crap.
- Mmmm.
I used to stop your mother from doing her homework.
- School is nonsense.
- No, it's not nonsense.
Pressuring kids to learn what some dead white dudes want 'em to know? In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Pythagoras.
Oxbow lakes.
Dead kings.
It's dull.
It's crap.
I dropped out of high school at 14.
Never went to college.
Education is for idiots.
Go.
Play.
Be a human.
That's not helpful.
Kids need an education.
It's tough out there.
It's only tough if you let yourself believe it's tough.
Oh, maybe if you fuck off all responsibility and abandon your family whenever it suits you, then yeah, maybe it's not so tough.
- Here.
- Thank you.
- You got anywhere to stay? - Yeah.
- No.
- Got any money? - Some.
- How much? Very, very little.
Look, if I can sleep here tonight, I can look up a couple of old friends tomorrow.
Maybe one of them has a mattress and a blanket, you know, pillow, some sheets.
A bed, basically.
You know, I was foraging on that railway embankment earlier.
Found some really good mushrooms and young nettles and some wild garlic.
Now, if you've got cream and a splash of white wine, I can cook for you and Liam.
- It's Paul.
- Sorry.
Paul.
Yes.
Fuck.
Sorry.
Liam was - Shut up about Liam.
- Yeah.
So do you want a hunter/gatherer meal? It's mainly gathering.
The mushrooms tend to not move around.
Yeah.
That was amazing.
I do what I can.
I'm not really a harp player, but it is portable.
Uh, the food was great as well, Michael.
Thanks.
- Free food tastes special.
- Mmhmm.
Also when I was on the embankment, - I saw a fox - Mmhmm.
And it let me sit with it for a while.
- That's good, isn't it? - We can't sleep.
Can Grandpa Michael read us a bedtime story? No, I can't.
- Aw.
- But I can create one with you as the heroes.
How's that? Okay, you're ninja alien vampires, and you're in ancient Greece, and you've got special animal powers.
- I'm a lion! - I'm Harry Potter! That's not an animal.
How's it all going with you and Michael? - Complicated as ever.
- Ah.
- Hmm.
- Is he staying here? Yeah, for just one night, apparently.
Okay.
Listen, I've been thinking about schools rethinking.
Uh, I was wrong.
Ava should go to Luke's school, and they should do the drama and the stories and the art and not be pressured.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah, bottom line is, I don't want the kids to turn out like me.
- Oh, don't say that.
- No, really, I-I mean it.
You know me, and I'm I'm not a happy person, and they should be happy.
Thing is that I've been thinking, well, rethinking, too, and I've realized that I don't want them to turn out - Like you? - Fuck off.
No, like Michael, like my dad.
It would be fantastic if they turned out like me.
- I'm great.
- Yes, obviously.
- Fucking hell, Paul.
- No, I'm sorry.
It's The last time my dad paid tax was in 1983.
He's relied on his looks, charm, and charisma to get by his whole life, and it's got him nothing.
Foraging for fucking mushrooms.
I want the kids to turn out like you.
I mean, the reason that I had kids with you is because you are the opposite of my father.
So I'm not a charming, handsome, charismatic maverick? No.
You know what I mean.
The kids deserve the best start that we can give them, so let's let's try and get Ava into West Street school, and she and Luke can do their drama and stuff on the weekends.
Now, I don't want them to get to 70 and be on a railway line chatting shit to a fucking fox.
Yeah.
See, this will tell us to the nearest centimeter See, this will tell us to the nearest centimeter how close we are to West Street School.
Proximity's key, and there can't be many kids of Ava's age who live much closer.
- Oh, shit.
- What? That house is under offer, and yesterday I saw the Hicksons looking round it.
- The fucking Hicksons? - Yep.
They couldn't be closer to the school.
They've got the golden ticket.
Their little girl gets into reception, and then their boy gets the next place in Year Four.
Well, it might not be the Hicksons buying it.
Might be a single man, a eunuch just enjoying the free-spirited eunuch lifestyle or a pedophile who just wants to live near a school.
Nah, it's the adulteress fucking Hicksons, all right.
It's got Hicksons written all over it in dog shit.
You want a coffee? Hi.
Yeah, it's, uh, Greg Hickson.
Yeah, c-calling about 37 West Street.
Yeah, I'm ringing to confirm that we're good to go ahead with the survey.
Okay.
Yeah.
No, no.
It's all good our end.
Speak to you soon.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Fucking Hicksons are buying the house.
- Shit.
- Look.
Look.
Greg Hickson is an independent financial advisor.
Of course he is.
Fucking wealth manager.
- Prick, more like.
- Good.
Nice play on words.
- Thank you.
- Oh, look.
There's an email form here.
You can write to Greg and discuss with him how he might manage your massive wealth.
- No.
- No.
- No, can't do that.
- No.
Def definitely not.
Definitely not.
Can we? - No.
- No.
Might solve the problem, though.
Anonymous, untraceable.
We're on the cafe's Wi-Fi.
No, it's not right or moral.
Or is it a bit right and moral? I don't know.
I'm not here to judge.
Why don't you start typing and see how it feels.
"Dear Mr.
Hickson, we think you should know that your wi" Oh, I can't do it.
I can't even do it.
Let's see if I can.
What were you saying? "We think you should know that your" - Wife.
- What's her name? Mrs.
Hickson? I don't know.
"That your wife has" "Has been having an affair "with her hot physiotherapist for the last 18 months.
" Christ.
Should we lose "hot?" Well, no, 'cause he is hot.
If it's the one I'm thinking of, he's not really hot.
He's more sort of obvious.
Yeah, but you're thinking of him, aren't you? I wish I could stop.
- I'm losing hot.
Lose hot.
- Yeah, lose hot.
Okay.
Done.
We're not sending this.
No.
No.
- Having said that - Mm.
Could mean the difference between a life of happiness or misery for our kids.
- Quick! Fuck.
- What? It's Greg Hickson.
Holy shit.
Fucking hell.
It sent.
No.
What the fuck? Shit.
He's reading it.
Oh, no.
Fuck.
Fucking hell.
He's getting up.
He's going.
- He did? - He looks angry.
Fucking hell, Ally.
Oh, God.
The others were now running back I knew I wanted to be either a cowboy or a rock and roll musician, and it worked out.
- Oh, did you have a nice walk? - Great.
It was just a walk, really.
Nothing happened.
- Where'd you guys go? - Nowhere really.
Just sort of around.
Hello, Mum.
Wasn't expecting to see you.
We came by with some more of your art.
- Oh, cool.
- Thought you might like to show Luke and Ava.
- Between us - Hmm.
I think Jim's a bit jealous with Michael being on the scene again.
He's used to being the only granddad.
This young man's an excellent reader.
Yeah.
Good, isn't he? Ally, I looked up those guys that I thought might have a room.
- And? - And one is in a graveyard.
And the other is in an open prison.
Right.
So do you have a plan B? I would only be with you guys a week, three tops, until I can find a room or a hostel.
Well, you can't stay in a hostel.
They're for backpackers and drunks.
Yeah, ooh, maybe don't take that thought any further.
Oh.
We had the council chummy round.
- Oh? - Turns out, we're not eligible for council funding for a home because we've got a bit of savings and a few bob in a private pension.
So we've decided on Dignitas.
Dignitas? When we become an intolerable burden, we'll head off to Dignitas.
Or if there's a cheaper one by then, easy death.
Or if Little gets into the market, we'll go with them.
But we might not realize, Paul.
We might be all demented, so we'll leave it to you.
When you think we've become a burden, just say "Dignitas" or maybe "Big D," code, and we'll book our tickets.
They were a maker of peanuts, Big D.
So you basically appointed me as your executioner? - They were around in the '70s.
- Mm-hmm.
They were the best peanuts out there, I thought.
Like Tudor Crisps were the bests crisps.
- Yeah.
- We don't want to be a drain.
But you won't be, so you don't need to call Dignitas, all right? We'll we'll work something out.
So much salt on a Tudor Crisp.
Man, they had weight, you know? Me mouth's bloody watering now.
Ah.
Right? Are these seats taken? Oh, no.
Please.
Thanks.
So what's your Joshy's role in the play? He's playing Robin.
- Hood? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
Did you have to make the costume? Oh, the children and I did it together actually.
It helped take their mind off their father.
You've heard, I take it? Yeah, that Greg is now living elsewhere? - We're divorcing.
- Oh.
I'm sorry.
That is a tough business.
It's complicated, who owns what.
We were in the middle of buying property on West Street, and that's not happening now.
- That's a shame.
- Oh, that's a huge sad shame.
- Can't afford it.
- Mm.
It was for my mother so that she could be nearer as she gets older.
- Your mother? - She's not getting younger.
Eh, your mom was gonna live in West Street on her own? Thinking about it, would've been a waste of such a big house.
Anyway, Katie Marshall's just had an offer accepted on it.
That's her there.
Her son's a merry man.
She wants her twins to get into West Street reception in September so that James can get in on their sibling policy.
Oh, I see.
Smart move.
- It's an outstanding school.
- I've heard.
Oh.
Is your lad, Luke, doing the lights? Lighting director, actually.
- Clever boy.
- Yeah.
Christ.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Pulling hair is wrong, mate.
I mean, all violences is wrong, but at least punching's a sport.
- Is it? - Yes, boxing.
Boxing's in the Olympics.
Hair pulling isn't.
- It would be funny if it was.
- It really would be.