Bupkis (2023) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Five minutes, guys.
Peter, make sure your
sister's in the car seat!
I don't want to go! This sucks!
Yes. Yes, it does.
All right.
Today is gonna be really hard.
We're gonna get through
it together, okay?
We're gonna make him proud.
We are not gonna let them win.
Who's "them"?
The terrorists, honey.
Sorry. I thought you understood.
Do you think it's fair
that I get to have his chain
and Casey doesn't?
I don't even think she
knows what's going on.
I think you're good.
You know, I don't even
think we have to tell her.
I mean, do you do you
think we should tell her?
We could tell her I'm her dad.
Do you think she'll
find out what happened?
Nah.
We're so late. Come on, honey.
Sorry we're late. MapQuest.
Oh, you have nothing to apologize for.
Hey, do you need a Xanax? I
brought enough for everybody.
No, um, that's okay.
Somebody's getting married.
We come together for
this momentous occasion
to remember that even
in our darkest times,
there is always joy,
there is always light.
- Not.
- Peter!
Shh!
Anyway
Did you hear what I said?
I said, "Not."
I heard what you said.
It was hysterical.
But don't talk like that.
This is a house of God.
Watch your friggin' mouth.
There is always light,
there's always joy.
Looking good.
Okay.
All right, little man.
I'm gonna need you to
smile for the camera.
Come on. Help me out here.
What's your problem?
His father died last week.
Take the picture.
Yeah, take the picture.
Amy.
- I'm so sorry for your loss.
- Thank you.
Please let me know if
there's anything I can do.
I will. Thank you.
- Hey.
- Hi.
How are you? You can talk to me.
- Lori, please.
- What?
I love you.
We're gonna have to talk about this.
I gotta go.
Here, honey. No. Come here.
Put this down.
How ya doing? Are you okay?
Hey, hey, hey. How are we doing?
Uh, it's quite a party.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- I gotta pee.
- Oh, yeah? okay.
Just pee-pee, though, right?
- No poo-poo?
- Yeah.
All right. I can handle that.
I gotta pee too. Come on, big boy.
Thanks.
Peter, what are you doing?
What?
You don't gotta do all that.
Come on. Look at me, okay?
You don't even have
to unbutton, all right?
Just take your zipper, undo it,
reach in, pull your guy out.
Boop, like that. Through the hole.
Can you do that? Come on, let's see.
Yeah, button it up. Good.
Pull the zipper down.
All right, reach in, pull through.
Boop.
Good job.
Okay, you don't gotta show the buns.
Keep the buns in your pants.
Boop, boop, boop.
Do as I say, not as I do, okay?
- Mm. Oh, yo.
- Hey.
- What's up, big boy? Huh?
- How you doing?
- You look good.
- Yeah?
It's been forever. Yeah, man.
You're out there fucking killing it.
- Jesus Christ.
- What are you doing?
- How you doing?
- I'm good.
You know, I'm just doing the best I can.
The fuck is this guy
these fucking Russians, man.
They make me want to kill myself.
All right, already. You
know what? That's it. Send.
Done. I'm done.
- So
- What is it you do again?
I know you explained it.
I can never retain it.
I work for a Russian
bank. It doesn't matter.
Does that suck? It sounds like it sucks.
I mean, it doesn't always suck.
I mean, I still get to go to Russia.
Every time I do, I still put
on the "Rocky IV" soundtrack,
get ready for it
still works pretty good.
I don't know. Fuck it.
- Get me a beer.
- Okay.
- I love you. Good to see you.
- You too.
Hey.
Me and my dad are gonna see
the new "Jimmy Neutron" movie.
That's cool. My dad is dead.
Yeah, my dad told me about that.
He said that your dad went
into a burning building
and saved a bunch of people.
- And then he died.
- Yeah.
He was just being a
hero and stuff, I guess.
I'm gonna miss Uncle
Scott. He was really cool.
Maybe all the uncles can be your dad.
You could have, like, five dads.
Okay, here we go.
One, two, three.
Boop!
Mom, he's making finger penises again.
- Come on.
- Hey, Peter. Come on.
Let's take a good one now, okay?
And then we'll have
fun later. What'd I say?
Do as I say, not as I do.
- There it is.
- What does that mean?
Here we go. Don't worry about it.
Everyone, say cheese!
- Cheese!
- Smokin'!
All right, that's it.
I'm going to get a drink.
Hey, we'll try again later.
Peter, will you please stop
ruining these photographs?
We are gonna be looking at
these for a very long time.
Hey, hey. Hey, buddy.
Hey. Let's have a little talk, okay?
I got him.
Oh, Peter.
You know I've been praying for you.
Sometimes in life,
we feel that there's
a shadow following us,
and this darkness comes over us.
That could turn into fear.
What if this darkness never goes away?
But only later do we realize
that the shadow is
actually the hand of God
guiding us and protecting us.
See, God, He needed your dad up there.
He died on the 11th, right?
3 times 11 is 33.
Three.
Father, son, the Holy Ghost, right?
Christ was 33 when He died,
same age as your father.
Your dad is Jesus incarnate.
Okay? You are never alone, sir.
Your dad is
he's right here in his room!
He is.
You could say hello to him.
Say hello to your father.
- Uh
- Say hi.
Don't be shy.
- Hi, Dad.
- Oh.
Did you feel his presence?
Did you? I did.
What was he, 6'3", full of muscle?
Your dad, he's right here.
Your dad was a hero!
He's here. He's a
hero. Do you understand?
I want to thank you
for your service, sir.
And thank you for not letting
those dirty scumbag Talibanians win.
Aw, fuck.
Should we get another round?
Uh, yeah.
- What is it, Saturday?
- Yeah.
Yeah, fuck it. Angela's
soccer season's over.
Did you hear? They got into
the semifinals this year.
- Angela got in the semifinals?
- Yeah.
- That's crazy.
- Yeah.
Next year, we should get to states.
- Yeah, that's awesome.
- Yeah. Whatever.
It's fucking girls' soccer, right?
- I mean
- Well, it's your daughter.
I know. I like her.
I fucking love her.
She's good. She's a good kid.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
She's yeah, she's fine.
What do you mean? Are you good?
Yeah no.
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know what the
fuck is going on anymore.
Like, I used to think I
knew, but I don't know.
I mean, your aunt and I
are definitely not in a good place.
What do you mean?
What do you mean? What's going on?
You're not gonna get,
like, divorced, right?
- Are you in therapy?
- No. No.
Fucking where are we here?
Fucking Staten Island.
I'm not going to therapy.
I'm not getting divorced, all right?
I just don't know what's going on.
I don't understand what the
fuck is going on anymore.
You'll see when you get older.
- What does that mean?
- You'll see.
I'm good. Just get me another beer?
- Yeah.
- All right.
Don't worry about me. I'm fucking chill.
Hey.
What are you doing?
Come on. I gotta go run an errand.
I gotta go get some cigarettes.
- How you doing, bro?
- How am I doing?
I'm fucking what the fuck, you know?
That's who I want to be with
for the rest of my life, okay?
But god damn it! Fuck!
This is it, bro. That's it.
I don't know what else to tell you.
Unless you went to end up
divorced, living on a futon,
you lock it up, dog.
What's a futon?
Hey, Peter, listen to me.
You don't repeat
anything you see or hear.
You know that, right?
Do as I say, not as I do.
Good.
- All right, I'll get smokes.
- All right.
I'm gonna do the
George Jefferson. Watch.
You like movies, Pete?
You see that "Beautiful Mind"?
That Russell Crowe is amazing.
He'll do anything, that guy.
Unbelievable.
You into girls yet?
You will be. You will be.
- Hey. Hey.
- There he is.
- Yeah, buddy.
- Man of the hour.
Mm.
Hey, Peter, did you know I
won Sexiest Man of the Year
- in 1992 in Staten Island?
- Really?
He ended up beating out Kyle
Hennesy and Paul Montello.
You're fucking right I
did, and I came from behind.
It was a tight race.
Nobody think I could do it.
I did it against all odds.
They gave me a trophy and everything.
I got it in the garage.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Listen to me, Peter. You hear this song?
This is a great song
by a group called Creed.
Remember that name.
You know, people think
that this is religious
crap. Bullshit, man.
This song fucking fucks hard.
Feels like forever ♪
Within my heart of memories ♪
Of perfect love ♪
That you gave to me ♪
Oh, I remember Pete, sing!
- I don't know the words.
- When you are with me ♪
I'm free ♪
I'm careless ♪
I believe ♪
Above all the others ♪
We'll fly ♪
You'll brings tears ♪
To my eyes ♪
My sacrifice ♪
Oh, I love this song. Huh?
Can they play "Cotton Eye Joe"?
They'll play whatever you want.
Go tell the DJ. Play
whatever you want. Go.
What the fuck is going on here?
It's like I walked into a gay bar.
Let's go. Let's go.
The women are out here.
Come on.
Hello?
Can you play "Cotton Eye Joe"?
Sweetest flavor in their mouths ♪
You know, things were looking up.
We were doing good the
last couple of weeks.
We were actually talking
about maybe trying again,
you know, for the kids, for us.
And, you know, then he friggin' died.
Jeez, honey. I'm so sorry.
Just know that we are here for you.
I appreciate that.
This is a very confusing day for me.
I'm very happy for one daughter,
and I'm very sad for another.
Scott will be missed.
Look, you don't have to
act like you liked the guy
all of a sudden. It's fine.
I mean, I don't think
you wanted him to die,
though he did die on your birthday.
My birthday will never be the same.
No. I'm kidding, Mom.
Honey, it's not that
I didn't like the guy.
I didn't like him for you.
I mean, he was a good guy.
He was a friggin' hero.
I just don't know how I'm
gonna do this by myself.
You know?
How am I gonna take care of these kids
and make sure they're okay?
You're my daughter.
You're the strongest woman I know.
You're gonna do all right.
I'm gonna need your help.
Don't worry. You'll have plenty of it.
I'll be there.
Hey.
What are you doing?
They didn't play the
"Cotton Eye Joe" yet?
That was, like, an hour ago.
You know what? Come here.
Come on. I'll take care of this.
I'm gonna talk to him, okay?
Wait here.
- Hey, boss.
- What's up, man?
My nephew ask you to
play the "Cotton Eye Joe"?
Yeah, but, you know, I
got a whole setlist, man.
Oh, yeah? Really?
Play the fucking "Cotton Eye Joe"!
He's the DJ now, got it?
All right. Good.
Whoo!
If it hadn't been for Cotton Eye Joe ♪
I'd been married a long time ago ♪
Where did you come from? ♪
Whoo! Yeah, Peter!
If it hadn't been for Cotton Eye Joe ♪
I'd been married a long time ago ♪
Where did you come
from? Where did you go? ♪
Where did you come
from, Cotton Eye Joe? ♪
Now is the time ♪
It's our time ♪
Oh, my sweet boy.
Your dad was such a wonderful man.
He will be so missed.
He died on your birthday.
That's weird, right?
And you didn't like him.
I loved your father very much.
No, you didn't.
It's kind of weird
that you didn't like him
and he died on your birthday.
What are you talking about?
Don't think I don't know.
You should be careful what you wish for,
because my birthday's
in a couple of months,
and you don't want to know
what I'm gonna wish for.
Tonight, tonight ♪
Put your hands up,
come on, raise a glass ♪
I'm just bursting.
Oh, Tommy, thank you so much
for marrying my little girl.
No problem.
It's a done deal. No takesie-backsies.
- She's your problem now.
- Mom!
I'm mostly kidding.
Cheers for love.
Cheers!
Go ahead. You can have a little sip.
Really?
I don't think you're gonna like it.
I already feel a little buzz.
Attaboy.
What the fuck? This is yours?
Yeah. Do you want to drive it?
What? Yeah, I want to fucking drive it.
What are you driving this thing for?
You're not a Trump guy.
No, I'm not a Trump guy,
but, you know, Staten Island.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. What the fuck?
- Come on.
- Fuck.
All right. I gotta slide the seat up.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
Oh, my God, bro. I feel so alive.
- Whoo! Whoo!
- Whoo!
- Let's take that light.
- Oh, shit.
Let's take that light. Fuck it!
Oh, fuck!
Go! Aah!
Whoo!
Uh, that was a that
was a close one, huh?
Oh, my God.
I'd fucking leave your aunt in
a second if I had this thing.
Whew!
Know what I'd like to do?
Take this thing to the bridge.
Take it to the bridge.
Just drive off the fucking
thing, you know what I mean?
Just fucking see how far
out to the water we can get.
I think about that shit sometimes.
Maybe I would survive it in this.
It's like a boat.
Fuck this. Let's go crazy.
- Take your seatbelt off.
- Huh?
Huh? Who says that? Me!
Take off your seatbelt.
Whoo!
Oh, God!
There you are. What are you doing?
This this is very bad.
Although, nothing in the world
would make your father prouder
than to know you're getting
drunk at your first wedding.
Ugh.
At least try to hide it. Would you?
They don't make Jolt anymore either.
- Did you ever have Jolt?
- No.
All right, listen.
I just want you to know
I got fucked up shit in my head too.
You're not the only one.
That's okay.
I just feel old, you know? I'm 50 now.
Little David's going to
college, and what am I doing?
I'm sitting in my garage making weapons
and Chinese throwing stars.
And I made this cool
fucking Wu-Tang medallion
out of scrap metal. You gotta see it.
But, I mean, beyond that,
what the hell else is there, you know?
I-I can't do drugs anymore.
I got nothing.
I don't know.
Sometimes I think it's over, you know?
I don't
I don't think anybody really knows
what they're doing, right?
I mean,
I don't have as much experience as you,
but I don't know.
When I was 18, I thought when I'm 21,
I'll have it all figured out, right?
And then 21 came, and I was like,
I don't know, maybe 25? Maybe 25?
And then 25 came, and
I was like, maybe 29?
And now I'm 29, and I'm like, 33?
You know, like,
I-I don't think anybody
knows what they're doing.
And I think that's okay, though.
I think it's I think it's fine.
I think we're all just
trying our best, but
Hey, I did win Sexiest Man of
the Year, Staten Island, 1992.
I know. It was a really tight race.
And all the odds were against you,
but you beat out Paul
Montello and Kyle Hennesy.
- Fucking right, I did.
- Yeah.
- Can't take that away from me.
- No, they can't.
I mean, literally they can't.
I got the trophy still in the garage.
- I've seen it.
- All right.
All right. Best day ever.
- Right?
- Yeah.
All right.
Killer fucking mega truck.
Oh, shit.
- Hey, Uncle Tommy.
- Big drop. What?
Do as I say, not as I do.
I'm gonna go piss on my house now.
Boop.
And now, I'd like to invite
all of the family
members out here to dance.
I need the Fossellas.
I need the LaRoccas.
Come on out here and
do something for me.
Let's go.
Let's go. Let's go.
I heard Staten Island's where
the party really go down at.
Y'all letting everybody down.
Don't be shy.
I see you sitting back there.
Get on the floor.
Hey, let's go!
Well, life will pass me by
if I don't open up my eyes ♪
Well, that's fine by me ♪
So wake me up when it's all over ♪
When I'm wiser and I'm older ♪
All this time, I was finding myself ♪
Go, Pete!
Go, Pete! Go, Pete!
Go, Pete! Go, Pete!
Go, Pete! Go, Pete!
Go, Pete! Go, Pete!
Go, Pete! Go, Pete!
Go, Pete! Go, Pete!
All this time, I was finding myself ♪
And I didn't know I was lost ♪