Burnistoun (2009) s01e02 Episode Script

1 I've got some amazing news, mate.
- Oh, aye? - Aye.
- Right, go on, then.
- No.
Guess.
Guess? I don't know.
- Carol's pregnant? - Nah.
- Just tell me.
- Go on, guess, don't spoil it.
- You won something? - Won what? - Money.
- Nah.
- A prize, then? - Nah.
- But you have won something? - Nah.
Nothing to do with winning.
Just tell me.
- Just guess.
- Give me a clue, at least.
All right.
It's something good.
That's a clue? It's amazing news.
It's something that's amazing news.
That was the first thing you said when you came in.
How is that a clue? Just guess, will you? Jealous bastard.
I'm jealous? How can I be jealous? Because you're jealous of my amazin' news, so you won't guess.
How can I be jealous of something you will nae tell me aboot? Just guess.
- You guess! - You guess! - You got a joab.
- Something good, I said.
You found treasure.
Treasure.
Forget it.
Forget it! - Don't you shout at me.
- The hell with you.
I'm off.
- You had a nice cake.
- Nah.
- Somebody bought you a cat.
- Nah.
- Somebody bought you a horse.
- Nah.
- You got a modelling contract.
- Nah.
- Tell me! - Guess! - Tell me your amazing news! - Guess! I don't care what it is.
It'll be nothing anyway, cos nothin' exciting ever happens to you.
You're a bore! I hate you! I got a tattoo.
That was the amazing news.
I got a tattoo of you riding a unicorn.
When Wee Frank walked into the room, we thought it was a joke.
He had entirely the wrong image.
All right? Ma name's Wee Frank.
That's what the boys call me.
- (BLEEP) just thought I'd - Could you not swear, please? - Sorry.
Sorry, (BLEEP) - I just asked you not to swear.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's just a whatchamacallit.
- (BLEEP) - Sorry.
- Do you have Tourette's or something? - No, no, it's a Scottish thing.
It's like a comma tae us, swearing.
I'm sorry, right, I dinnae mean to (BLEEP) But when Wee Frank started to sing, we knew something very special was happening.
I've been really tryin', baby (BLEEP) tryin' to hold back this feeling for so long (BLEEP) now if you feel like I feel, baby (BLEEP) come on Ooh, come on (BLEEP) let's get it on He has a unique talent.
He does have this vocal tic, which I believe is just a natural development of where he grew up.
But with the proper training, we were sure we could eradicate it and make him the success he deserves to be.
Can you say this for me the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.
- The (BLEEP) quick - No.
Again.
The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.
- (BLEEP) - No.
Again.
The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.
The quick brown fox (BLEEP) No.
Again.
- (BLEEP) the quick - No.
Again.
- (BLEEP) - No.
The quick - The quick - brown fox brown fox - jumped over jumped over - the lazy dog.
- The (BLEEP) lazy - No! (BLEEP) no, (BLEEP) no! We knew we had to play to Wee Frank's strengths.
And I know the single has been criticised in some quarters, but I think it's great.
(BLEEP) check the state o' this (BLEEP) know what I mean? (BLEEP) I'm like that, (BLEEP) mental (BLEEP) Oh, what was it again? (BLEEP) hingmy (BLEEP) you know what I'm talking aboot.
It's Friday night and I feel all right (BLEEP) it's Friday night and I feel (BLEEP) hingmy It's Friday night and I feel all right (BLEEP) Friday night and I feel (BLEEP) hingmy Get tae (BLEEP)! Crutch hire! Get yer crutches! Don't go intae the broo wi'oot 'em.
Couple of crutches, mate.
Cheers, man.
Crutch hire! 'Ere, mate, that's a tenner for that.
Crutch hire! Get yer crutches! - Did we have to sit in the front row? - What? It's too close.
I mean, it's right there, in't it? Och, shush.
What's this I see? I'm gonnae go to the toilet, all right? Is that you back, darlin'? He's away! Oh.
I don't even like theatre, but that wasthat was powerful.
I mean, I was uncomfortable and that, but, oh, that was powerful stuff.
I mean, I'm glad it's finished.
Ladies and gentlemen, we will now be having a short interval.
Be sure to stretch your legs - the second act is of an unprecedented length.
Where's that voice coming frae? What's she talking aboot, second act? It'll no' be about me, will it? It'll be about wanwan of yous.
Out the way, out the way! Och.
Oh, God! What's this I see? Oh, come on, mate.
There's a whole row of machines here.
Why have you got to pick the one right beside me? Cannae look to my left, cannae look aboot cannae have our eyes meetin' constantly Just gonnae have to stare straight ahead, act like I'm focused Go on one that faces the same way as us next time, dickhead What's with this arse piece, acting like he cannae see me when I'm right here? Hallo, arse piece.
Hallo-o-o! He's lookin' at me.
You cannae look at a guy you don't know when you're that close.
- Arse piece.
- He's fell into ma rhythm now, as well.
Look at me, arse piece.
I'm your worst nightmare.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Arse piece.
I'm gonnae change speed so that I'm goin' forward as he's goin' back Oh, aye, you can out-race me? Let's go.
Let's do it! Oh, he thinks I'm racin' him.
Right fine, you go faster, then, mate.
Race away Oh, conserving energy, is it? Hopin' I'm gonnae tire oot? You are not more of a man than me, arse piece.
What's the score with this arse piece? You fancy me or something, mate? Will we touch tongues as we pass next time? Check the way he's lookin' at me.
D'you fancy me or something, arse piece? I hope it's just you and me when I go into that changin' room, cos I'm gonnae smack ya one in the mooth, arse piece.
I hope it's just you and me when I get to that changin' room, cos I'm gonnae smack you one in the mooth, arse piece.
- Arse piece.
- Arse piece.
Arse piece.
Arse piece.
- Arse piece.
- Arse piece.
Arse piece.
Thank you, thank you.
Ah, time for a slow dance now, I think, ah This is a song I wrote while I was waiting for ma dinner in the microwave.
Yeah.
Waitin' I'm waitin' for ma moment I'm waitin' I'm waitin' for ma Beep, beep, beep! That's ma dinner ready.
Right, that's enough of that.
Excuse me! Oh! Oh! Ah! - Excuse me! - Oh! Oh! Ah! Excuse me! Oh! Oh! Ah! Excuse me! Oh! Oh! Ah! Excuse me! Oh! Oh! Ah! Excuse me! Excuse me! Oh! Oh! Ah! That's the last time.
If you enjoy playing with them so much, maybe I'll send you doon there again, to live with the arseholes.
Excuse me.
Excuse me! If you've got something to say, Walter, just come right oot and say it.
I want to know what you've got yourself all washed up for, anyway.
I was filthy.
Who have you got to be not be not be not filthy for? It gets sticky on this van.
Sometimes I don't like being sticky.
- You don't like being sticky for who? - None of your business.
You'd never get yourself all cleaned up for ma benefit, would you? That's right.
You don't merit a wash.
What if somethin' bad happened to me, like I just died, anyway? I bet you wish you'd have gotten clean for me then.
Away you go and die, then.
The whole world'll be a cleaner place.
Can I have? Sorry, Walter.
I did nae mean that.
- Walter - I'm never gonnae die, anyway.
Who is it you're getting all clean for? Who? - Who? - I'm goin' on a date.
- What can I get fer ya? - Can I? But it's board game night.
It's our one night together, anyway.
Every night is our one bloody night together, Walter.
Who is it you love mair than your brother? Who is it? It's a date.
I don't love her.
Her? Agh! You don't even like lassies, anyway.
I dae like lassies, Walter, and you'll go to the bad fire for saying that I don't.
You talk like a lassie, anyway.
You talk like a shite wi' a deid bird's beak stuck in it! - What can I getfor you? - Can I have? I am nota jobby wi' a beak.
I'm not.
I'm sorry, Walter, I did nae mean that.
You just make me so mad sometimes.
Gimme that! I'm gonnae take ma wee man and I'm gonnae rub it on all your suit sleeves and I'm gonnae rub it your pocket.
Then you'll have nothing tae wear.
How does that sound, anyway? Any chance o' getting served? Any chance o' you shuttin' your smelly, ugly face, anyway? I took the lid off o' Mammy, and she heard every cheeky word you said.
I'm sorry, Mammy.
Paul was annoying me.
She said I've tae skelp your bare bum for you six times.
Oh, no! That's one to skelp yer bum, anyway.
That's two skelp yer bum, anyway.
Ah! No! I'm drivin' away, Walter, and I'm going oot to have a good time wi' that lassie, withoot you! Oh, oh.
Oh! Don't you dare.
Naebody ever phones you, Paul.
It must be your date.
Hello? No, I can't come and pick you up tonight, anyway, no, cos I don't even like lassies anyway and I particularly hate you! CanI? Come in! What've you got for me, son? I want to talk to you about the Burnistoun Butcher.
Why, what's he been up tae? Has he been importin' black market beef? Naw, naw.
The person you named the Burnistoun Butcher.
Oh.
Is that the guy that won the Pie of the Year award? Naw, that That's Richie Stroke, Burnistoun butcher.
The Burnistoun Butcher is the guy that's killed four people and never been caught.
The murderer! Aye.
What aboot 'im? I think you should come up wi' a different name for him.
Why? I just think there's a lot of confusion over what Burnistoun butcher sells meat and what's the wan that kills people.
That's what I'd expect frae the Burnistoun Herald The best.
I love it! Aye.
Right, let me have a think, then, let me have a think.
Mmm.
What does he look like, this fella? Naebody knows.
But imagine he looks like me.
The Burnistoun Tramp.
Naw, not that That disnae relate to him being a murderer.
The Burnistoun Angry Tramp.
Naw, naw! Look Mebbe something to dae wi' his demeanour, right? Imagine I'm him.
- The Burnistoun Queen? - Naw, naw.
Look, look - The Constipated Killer.
- Naw! Mebbe something to dae wi' the murders.
All the murders happened on a Wednesday.
The Wednesday WW - Walloper.
- Walloper? He wallops people.
Wallop, you're deid.
He is not a walloper.
Hold on, I'll get Julie in here.
She's a good ideas man.
Julie, could you step into the office, please? Julie, we're trying to think o' a new name for the Burnistoun Butcher.
Er, the Burnistoun Pie Man? The murderer.
- The murderer, Julie.
- Try this.
All his victims were found stuffed into the bottom o' wheelie bins.
The Burnistoun Bottomstuffer.
- I love it.
Print it! - Naw, naw, I am not a bottomstuffer.
Just leave it.
Just forget it.
What you so bothered aboot it for anyway? Because I am the Burnistoun Butcher.
Oh, right.
Well, just you leave it wi' us.
We'll sort oot the confusion.
Thank you.
Don't want tae put off your customers, know what I mean? - All right, man? Grub's up.
- I'm starvin', man.
Breast o' chicken curry, man, that's yours.
- There's a rice, a ribs an' all, man.
- Yas! - These noodles yours an' all? - That's mine, aye.
- Prawn toast, man.
Yours.
- Yas! Spring rolls - yours.
Another bag o' them - yours, man.
- Lovely grub.
- Portion o' chippos.
- Cheers.
- Char siu chow mein.
That's mine, aye.
And a banana fritter.
If I was you, mate, I'd eat that the noo.
There's nothin' worse than a cold banana fritter.
Aye, true.
- ErmI think that's it, mate.
- Aye, that's all my starters.
- Main course noo.
- Right, chicken satay, man.
- That's mine, aye.
- Fried rice, three portions, man.
- Ta.
- Chicken in black bean sauce.
That's mine.
Chicken in black bean sauce with green peppers.
Ta.
Chicken in black bean sauce with red peppers, man.
Brilliant, cheers.
Chicken in black bean sauce wi' nae peppers.
Smells brilliant, ta.
Chicken in black bean sauce wi' nae black bean sauce and green peppers.
- Bring it on, man.
Brilliant.
- Chilli salt and spicy chicken.
- Me, mate.
- Chilli salt and spicy beef.
- Me, man.
- Chilli salt and spicy prawn, man.
That's me an' all.
Magic.
- Chilli salt and spicy chips.
- You need tae try these, mate.
- Chilli salt and spicy cheese? - Yas! Chilli salt and spicy chicken with nae chillies, nae salt and mild instead o' spicy? That's mine, aye.
- And a pineapple fritter? - That's mine.
If I was you, mate, I'd eat that the noo.
There's nothin' worse than a cold pineapple fritter.
Tell me aboot it, man.
Grilled chicken, Peking-style? Brilliant, cheers.
- Toast chicken with gravy.
- Cheers, man.
- Beef.
- Beef what? - Just beef.
- That's me, mate.
- Fried onions, boiled instead o' fried.
- Me, mate.
Hot and sour soup, cold and sweet instead o' hot and sour? That's mine.
Crispy shredded beef in sweet and sticky sauce, soft instead o' crispy, whole instead o' shredded, spicy instead o' sweet and dry instead o' sticky? Disnae sound right.
- Oh, and prawn instead o' beef, man.
- That's mine an' all.
A bottle o' lemonade.
Lemonade? I asked for limeade.
Och, that mob are a joke, man.
Phone them.
Phone them the noo! As a director of a soap opera, you have a responsibility, I feel, to reflect the reality of people's lives.
So when a friend of mine said to me, "If soap operas are so realistic, "how come no-one ever goes to the toilet?" I saw that as a direct challenge to our entire industry.
Do you want to get to know me? Dae ya? Aye, Thomas.
I love you.
Before you say that, there's wan thing you should know aboot me.
Somethin' I thought I would take tae ma grave.
What is it? Hold on, I need to go to the toilet.
Thomas, what were you gonnae tell me? I'm trying to dae the toilet! Well, hurry up, I need as well.
You'll just need to wait! A guy cannae have a shite in peace.
Well, do your worst, Mr Mulgrew.
Oh, I'll dae better than ma worst.
I'll dae ma second worst.
I need the toilet.
I can I can feel it, hen.
It's comin'.
This is ma last shite.
Don't say that, Da.
Aye.
Gimme ma bedpan up.
I'm ready to curl one oot and be at peace.
Oh! Oh.
Yous all better get in here.
Ma da's daein' his last shite.
- I'll need to go to the toilet first.
- I'll need to go an' all.
Ah, Da! You cannae put that body in yer green bin, mate.
Stuff like that's gotta go in yer brown bin.
You know, wi' the grass and the plants and that? If you want that emptied, you'll need to get that body oot o' there.
'Sake! Too many bloody bins.
Just daein' ma job, mate.
Just daein' ma job.