Camping (US) (2018) s01e02 Episode Script
Going to Town
1 I'm Kathryn McSorely-Jodell; my husband, Walt Jodell, and I are checking in.
I'm Harry.
I'm the propri I run the place.
- WALT JODELL: Hey! - [LAUGHING JOVIALLY.]
- Happy Birthday, Walter.
- Cheers! CARLEEN: Margaret and Miguel aren't coming.
What? No.
Since when? - [GASPS.]
What was that?! - WALT: It's Miguel! That's not Margaret.
- I'm Jandice.
Hi, you guys! - Hi.
[EVERYONE CHEERS.]
JANDICE: Your friends are so funny.
- What is happening, here? - [CACKLING LAUGH.]
Wow, this is gonna be so fun.
You know what, it might not be fun.
It might not be fun at all.
[TV STATIC DRONES.]
[BRIGHT TONE.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
My happy hour starts At quarter to 3:00 Just like a goddess, yeah I'm parting the seas Ooh, feel that fire I'm a thousand degrees Don't you want to be like me? Ow! Ooh-ooh-ooh Follow the leader [ALL SHOUTING.]
- [HOLLERING.]
- Hut! - Sol! - Ow! I got it! I got it! I got it! I got it! [ALL HOLLERING, CHEERING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Come on, come on, come on, come on! I got the hunger, and it tells me to win Yes! Yes! Yes! And ready? Go! ALL: Yay! Okay, stop doing that.
Ready? Go.
ALL: Yay! Hike! One, one thousand.
Two, one thousand.
Three, one thousand.
Four, one thousand.
Ah! ALL: Oh! Orvis! - Oof! - You all right, kid? - Oh, my baby! - I'm fine.
How old are you? What day is it? - What color is Mommy's hair? - It changes all the time.
Oh, he's agitated.
Do not move.
Lie down.
You could have a concussion.
Do you understand? Don't move your head.
I'm really sorry.
I play rugby in a semiprofessional league, and the instincts just sort of took over.
I-I just don't get it.
He wasn't even playing.
What's the helmet for? - He's fine.
- Is he? Yeah.
I mean, he's smiling.
He doesn't have any bruises.
What do you say we get back in the game? Please just walk away from me.
I'm gonna choose not to take this personally - right now.
- Hey, you shouldn't, baby.
- This is not about you.
- It's not about you.
- It's because of you.
- Hey.
- I got him.
- Y'all sure are a weak lot.
You're lucky me and my beautiful wife didn't take one of our famous three-day hikes.
- I don't like to walk fast.
- So Harry says the nearest hospital is 30 minutes away.
But I'm happy to drive you.
Well, by that, I mean Nan's happy to drive you 'cause I don't have a license.
I'm a drinker.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[TIRES SQUEALING.]
[GRUNTING.]
Orvis! Orvis, come on.
Come here.
[GRUNTS.]
[PANTING.]
For the love of God, someone help me! My son is injured! - Where is everyone? - Hello? - Help! - Jimmy! Hey, Harry.
What's up? We need to see a doctor.
Oh, man, I just feel so bad that I ruined her whole plan.
No, it's okay, baby.
It's just, it's tough to watch Walt get knocked around like that all day.
He's such a good guy, you know? Hey, hey, hey.
Come on, guys, come on.
Kathryn's not that bad.
She's tough, she's bitter, she's hot with rage, but she's not bad.
She loves intensely.
Isn't that something to admire? And she's very, very loyal.
Oh, isn't that where we passed that cute town? That town was so cute.
Do you think they call it Cute City? - [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah, and it had that cute bar.
How fun would it be to go to that cute bar, you guys? - Yeah.
- Oh, man, that would be - pretty cute.
- Are you saying you don't want to go to the hospital? I mean, it's not like we're gonna be of any use at the ER.
I always get kicked out of those places - when I try to heal.
- Yeah, yeah.
Hey, hey, you know what? The best thing that we can do right now is to be as relaxed and refreshed as possible for when they return.
Right, hon? Honestly, I just need a drink.
Whatever's gonna get me out of this car.
All right, new plan! Yes! - Whoo-hoo! - All right! Yeah! It's not a laser, is it? His reflexes are all good.
Sight's clear.
I honestly think he just took a tumble.
But he's a tough guy.
Aren't you, Orvis? Don't agree if you don't agree.
No, you're not, Orvis.
No, he's not he's not tough.
Are you sure? Is there is there any kind of MRI? Well, he's not complaining of any specific injury.
I meant a full-body scan.
I don't even know what that would mean.
I think, uh, what the lovely Dr.
Chang is saying is that, uh, Orvis is fine, right? You know, it's been scary, but he's really and truly fine, so Have we got any sense of what's happening with his internal organs? I think if there were any kind of rupture, he would be expressing more pain when I palpate him.
Should I be continuing to home palpate? - I mean, I can't legally - [GIGGLING.]
- Tell you not to.
- That tickles.
Last question: how should I be continuing to monitor him over this next period of time? I think if you see any signs of concussions or he stops saying, "I'm fine," repeatedly.
But he really is fine.
Well, thank you so much.
And and you, too, Jimmy.
Appreciate it.
Well, I think that Dr.
Chang is a real sweetie.
You know who isn't sweet? Jandice.
She's not very sweet at all.
What do you mean? I think she's dangerous.
She's a threat.
She has a messy approach to human interaction.
Orvis, lie down.
Come on, buddy.
I feel as though someone invited a coyote to your birthday party.
And I don't care personally, but I don't want her to ruin the whole party.
It was an accident, honey.
And Orvis saved us a touchdown.
- Right, buddy? - She's nice.
She's nice.
So [GOOFILY.]
I say we just let it go and we just start afresh, you know? I don't know.
She freaks me out.
Where even is she, anyway? [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
- What is this gonna be, huh? - Whoa.
It looks good from the outside.
This is so much better than the hospital.
- [LAUGHS.]
- They have wings.
Hey, you think those pretzels are free? Holy shit, Carleen, maybe they have napkins too.
[GROANS.]
Uh, hello, miss.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, my darlin'.
[LAUGHS.]
Yee-ha.
My name is Clementine.
You're about to get the best meal in the west.
No Wi-Fi, no laptops.
What can I get you? I got this, you guys.
Do you all do jelly doughnut shots? Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, we do.
- You're my kind of gal.
- [LAUGHS.]
You're my kind of gal, gal.
- You look so familiar.
- I'm heavily featured in much of Nan Goldin's early work.
- Fuck, that's it.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm sorry, what's a jelly doughnut? Oh, it's a shot.
Equal parts Chambord and RumChata.
Oh, that's amazing, and I haven't heard any of those things.
- Two rounds.
- Um, do you have - a Dr Pepper for him? - Uh, don't listen to her.
I'm fine.
What? I know plenty of people in program who have a drink once in a while.
[ALL EXCLAIMING.]
I love anything that looks like pie.
There we go.
Whoo-hoo.
All right, well, vamos.
Vamos, vamos.
Ah, holy shit! Holy shit, that tastes exactly like a jelly fucking doughnut.
Oh, my God, you're totally right.
What kind of magic is this? She's a witch! - [LAUGHTER.]
- Told you! - [LAUGHS.]
- You did.
You did.
Are you not gonna do a shot? [SIGHS.]
I don't want one.
That is rude.
Come on hey, Sol.
- Have one of these.
- Uh Okay.
What? I got some wires I think I could attach to your chest.
- Are you still here? - I'm plummeting.
Now that I've taken care of my son, - my body is shutting down.
- Ma'am, you can't just No, you don't understand.
Five years ago, I had my tenth procedure under anesthesia.
Complete hysterectomy.
Hence her phantom periods.
- Her what? - Different hospitals call it different things.
Scoot over.
Any kind of stress can lead to inflammation, which affects my tissue issues and also my general mood.
We can't run any tests on you.
You can't run any tests on you.
We'd have to do intake if you want testing.
Fine.
Gosh darn American medical system and I'm privileged enough to have health insurance.
I can't even get the tests I need.
You know what? I'm gonna get the doctor.
Oh, thank you.
[SIGHS.]
Ow! - Walt, my shoulder.
- Sorry, honey.
[WHIMPERS.]
Where the eff is everybody? - [LAUGHTER.]
- Ventana, window.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
- Puerta.
- Door.
- Hey! - It's Walt.
It's Walt.
I gotta get it.
I gotta get this.
- All right.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Do you want us to let you out? - Oh, okay.
- We can let you out.
- Easy does it.
- All right.
Tell him we can get there if he needs us.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Hello? George, hi.
Walt, how is Orvis? Yeah, it's just a little jostle.
- He's fine, my brother.
- Pain is relative.
- You know what I mean? - Oh, thank God.
Really, thank God.
That is great news.
Where are you? Uh we're at a a Howard Johnson's uh, Hojo's.
It sucks.
Listen, brother, could you get the steaks for dinner? - Kathryn's kind of freaking out.
- Steaks.
Yeah, steaks.
Juicy steaks.
One per person.
They're at the store, McCall's.
They're all ordered and paid for.
McCall's, one per person.
- On it, my brother! - It's not even practical.
But it's not that bad if there's lube.
Hey, if you're gonna Can I - Okay, I'll talk to you later.
- [LAUGHS.]
I said I was at a Hojo's.
Why did I lie? Why did I lie? Hojo's doesn't even exist anymore.
[SCOFFS.]
You know what's not a lie? How good these jelly doughnut shots are.
- [LAUGHS.]
- It's official.
I like you.
[LAUGHTER.]
- Oh - Oh? And Orvis is alive.
[CHEERS.]
Told you, baby.
Corazón.
I wanna go for a fucking walk and explore this town.
- Who is with me? - I am in.
I am in, too, baby.
I wanna explore the town, and then I wanna explore - your body.
- Okay, I'm out.
Ugh, I wanna move my legs.
- I wanna walk.
- Yes, use those sexy - motherfucking lady walkers.
- How's it going? - What's doing? - I am gonna get - some bourbon in me.
- Oh, uh, Nurse? One bourbon, neat.
Done.
Wow.
Thanks a million, Little Chocolate.
So [SIGHS.]
How's work? Uh, it's great.
- What are you having? - Ro rosé.
Oh, yeah.
I don't like rosé.
Thank you, sir.
That's more like it.
[BELL JINGLES.]
Après vous, mademoiselle.
- [LAUGHS.]
- This is magic.
- Magic.
- Thank you, thank you.
We're very proud of our collection.
Oh, man, I-I used to hate antique shops when Margaret dragged me, like, to buy a pair of stools or a fucking accent pillow, but this fucking cool.
Look at these lederhosen.
- Nice.
- You'd be such a sexy baby in some sexy baby lederhosen.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, can I see this ring? Oh, sure.
Absolutely.
- Wow.
- Let me get that for you.
That's opal and tourmaline.
- Take a look.
- Gorgeous.
Oh, my God, tourmaline.
I love tourmaline.
What is the provenance of the ring? - [GROANS.]
- I'm sorry, the what? The provenance.
The the history.
Yeah, I-I know what it means.
I'm I'm just so taken by your accent.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, thank you very much.
You're a little bit more Yeah.
Yes, of course.
[LAUGHS.]
Anyway, that has a very interesting story.
That that ring was given to Liz Phair by John Cusack.
Shut up.
[SCOFFS.]
Liz Phair literally got me through college.
I mean, not that I finished, but the part I did get through, she got me through.
- She's spectacular.
- Wow.
- And that is beautiful on you.
- So, uh how much is that pretty piece? That's, uh, $5,000.
Okay.
Wow, okay.
And not even a diamond.
[LAUGHS.]
- It's perfect for you.
- It's perfect.
- It's perfect.
- You are perfect.
I'm gonna find something perfect for you back there.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Okay? [RETCHES.]
[GASPS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Nice.
Uh, hey.
Hi.
What up? Nothing much.
Just waiting for my dad.
He and his friends are drunk.
They'll probably have an orgy.
You? Just waiting for my brother.
He's buying weed with his friend Stu.
I'm not gonna smoke any, but I don't care - if they do it around me.
- Yeah, weed sucks.
I don't need a drug to eat a lot.
My name's Tyler.
Cool, cool.
Sol.
Solomon.
Isn't that a boy's name? You have a boy's name.
I'm not gay.
You know.
Yeah.
Neither am I.
- [SHOUTING.]
- God, flex that muscle! - Oh, God! - [SHOUTING IN SPANISH.]
[SCREAMS.]
Yeah, um [CLEARS THROAT.]
Thank you for, uh, helping me try on these pants.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
They look great.
[SNIFFLES.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- Oh, God.
- Hey, wait.
Fuck, I-I don't have my wallet.
Oh, God, that sucks.
Fuck.
[GROANS.]
I took it out of my pocket to take my pants off because they're stretch.
Well, I'm gonna go check on the others at the bar.
Oh, wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What, you you don't wanna stay and do this thing with me? No, you got this.
That was so hot in there.
Your dick felt more like a cock today.
- You know what I mean? - Fuck.
- You got this.
- You think so? - Yes.
- I got it.
I got it.
- Yum.
- I got it.
Okay.
Oh, uh, great.
You're still here.
Um look, I-I just wanted to say, sir, I'm sorry.
You should be sorry.
That was visceral and revolting.
I don't even normally work here.
This is Gerald's thing.
I stay home with the dogs.
This is not a gay beach in Puerto Vallarta.
I know.
I know, I hey, I don't know why I did it.
Except I'm in this new relationship, and and I have very little control over my actions.
I-I guess it's because I'm going through this very hard divorce, and whenever she desires me, it makes me feel like I-I have value again.
My house was was dark.
And she came in and turned the lights on again.
Sir, I just wiped your semen off the floor with a paper towel.
What can I do to make it up to you? I'll do anything.
Of course, I will pay for any damage to the property that our sex caused.
She loved that ring.
You gotta let it go, and you just gotta blow on.
You know? [LAUGHS.]
- Hey! - Hi.
- Oh, okay.
- Sit on down.
- Hi.
- [LAUGHS.]
Why do you have that look? Uh, Joe's weird.
I don't think he should be drinking.
Why? What'd he do? He called me Lil' Chocolate.
[LAUGHS.]
What? [STAMMERS.]
He did what? I was helping him get a drink at the bar, and then he said, "Thanks a million, - Lil' Chocolate.
" - [LAUGHS.]
Are you fucking serious? Oh, that guy is fucking asking for it.
- I'm gonna fuck him up.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
Half my friends send me black thumbs-up emojis.
Who who sends you those emojis? - It doesn't matter.
- No, I want fucking names.
- No.
- Who sends you black emojis? Don't say anything, okay? [SIGHS.]
Okay.
- You sure? - Yeah.
I love you so much.
Can we go yet? Soon.
We can go soon.
Why not now? 'Cause we're waiting to be discharged.
And we're also waiting to see if either Orvis or Mommy loses consciousness.
- I feel fine.
- [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
I feel good.
That's the weird thing about life, Orvie.
You can feel fine but also know that you are a ticking time bomb.
Your insides don't match your outsides.
It's the scariest part of being human.
I never want my Orvis to experience it.
Not once.
Okay? - You seem fine too.
- [SIGHS.]
I'm not, though.
I'm not fine.
I'll struggle through I'll I'll live a vaguely normal life but I am not fine.
Physically I mean, emotionally, I'm I'm totally great It's your daddy's birthday.
And ha we have to be strong for Daddy.
[LAUGHS.]
Hmm? Shake it up Break the bubble Break it up Pour some sugar on me Ooh, in the name of love Hi, little boy.
- Did your doggy run away? - [GROWLS.]
[SLURRING.]
Hey, Jandy.
Dandy-dandy.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- How's it going? - Uh it's going great.
It's the best day of my life.
I'm not sad.
I'm happy.
Welcome to Jandy's.
May I take your order? - Uh - What are you coming off of? What? Nothing.
What noth Oxy.
Oh, fuck.
You got caught up in that whole conspiracy? I know, right? The fucking Sackler family runs the entire pharmaceutical industry, and they convince these doctors to prescribe this heavy fucking narcotic for basic injuries.
- Yes.
- It's such a dark part of American history.
But yeah, I'm on them.
I just get mine from dealers.
Mm, smart.
Do you want one? Want one what? No What? - Do you want it? - No, I God damn it.
I shouldn't.
- I shouldn't.
I shouldn't.
- Well, here's what I suggest.
- You're feeling edgy - Yeah.
- You should journal - [SIGHS.]
And you should take the fucking edge off.
I fucking forgot my journal.
Open your mouth.
Stick out your tongue.
In the name of love - Pour some sugar on me - Ooh, whoo! Okay, go.
Come on, fire me up Pour your sugar on me That'll take the edge off.
- You know? - Take the edge off? Jandy, I don't want to take the fucking edge off.
I prefer to feel absolutely fucking nothing.
All right? Like I'm frozen in ice.
That is so smart.
I think I'm gonna join you.
[LAUGHS.]
Where the fuck did you come from? Oakland.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
[TOMMY TUTONE'S "867-5309/JENNY" PLAYING.]
- Hello.
- Holy fuck.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
That was a good one.
- Yeah.
- What are you doing? What are you doing? What am I doing? What are you doing? - I was taking a shit.
- Oh.
What is this, one of your bits? No, it's not a fucking bit.
I just heard that you called my long-term partner the love of my life, Nina-Joy Lil' Chocolate.
Did I? I don't [LAUGHS.]
[SNORTS.]
You don't even fucking remember.
Hey, man, listen, I'm a nickname guy, you know? I come up with nicknames for people.
George What's up, George Bush? And you think Lil' Chocolate is an appropriate nickname for a beautiful woman of color? - Is that what you think? - [LAUGHS.]
Listen, man, I don't I hey, I didn't I didn't mean anything by it, so it's just it's not Okay whoa! What the You didn't mean anything by it? You didn't mean anything by it? I guess the KKK doesn't mean anything by it either, huh? They're just wearing their sheets 'cause they're shy, right? Oh, you know what? Dude, take it easy, all right? Don't forget that I was also married to a beautiful black woman.
At least I was until she died a tragic death.
Oh, so that makes it okay, huh? I bet you use black emojis, too, don't you, motherfucker? - Huh? - What? - Oh, yeah.
- No, you know what? - Now that I think about it - Yeah? I didn't call her Lil' Chocolate.
Right, of course you didn't.
I called her Little Chocolate.
It's totally different, man.
Are you serious right now? Are we still doing a bit? I'm serious as a fucking heart attack, man! So here's the deal: you are not going to speak to Nina-Joy for the rest of the trip.
No hello, no, "Hey, did you see the new episode of 'Young Sheldon'?" - Fucking nothing.
- Don't even watch that show.
I don't know if you're aware of this or maybe your head is just that far up your own ass but this country is in the middle of a fucking race war, and you are either a part of the problem or part of the solution.
And I am diagnosing you as part of the fucking problem.
Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay, you know what? I feel like this is an overreaction, - and so I'm gonna walk away.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
And I am not afraid to come at you with my physical body, my friend.
Okay, you fucking wouldn't.
Oh, I sure as Shelly would.
And by the way, I boom-opped the Robert Downey Jr.
episodes of "Ally McBeal," so I'm pretty sure I know what drug withdrawal looks like.
So enjoy rocking back and forth and shitting your pillow, you fucking animal.
Tee-hee! [LAUGHS ODDLY.]
Back when I was drinking, I had this pesky habit of slipping on my own vomit.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.]
Tale as old as time.
We'd better get back before sundown.
Nan's got a bad case of nyctophobia with a side of achluophobia.
[INDISTINCT SPEECH ON TV.]
What are what are those things? That'd be fear of the dark followed by a fear of a second World War II, stemming from her belief in reincarnation and her strong sense that Hitler's on his way back to us.
Okay, got it.
Please don't mention those things to Kathryn.
I won't.
You really look out for her, don't you? Kathryn's sensitive.
To ghosts? What? No, I-I mean emotionally.
Oh, I understand.
Mine's quite sensitive as well.
Sometimes I feel like her grief could swallow the whole world.
Uh, grief over what? Uh, I never asked.
That's the thing about women.
They're mysterious.
They're like bats or night hedgehogs or something.
They're only seen when they want to be seen, and other than that, you're just living in their world.
And sometimes we don't even understand what kind of world that is.
[SIGHS.]
You watch out for yourself.
Okay? And never, ever put down the knife.
The knife? The knife.
Is that a metaphor or Yeah.
You know what? We gotta get out of here.
- You feel good, brother? - Sure.
I like you.
[CHEERFUL MUSIC.]
You know, I'd really rather give her the front.
I'm trying to help you out, Walt.
I want you to claim your power.
Now, she's gonna sit in the back, and she's gonna like it.
And tonight you'll see you got yourself a good girl.
- Okay.
- Okay.
The knife.
Oh, God.
This is so scary.
It's getting so hairy to navigate out there.
It's fucking pitch-black.
And where are even Carleen and Joe? I can't see their car.
Dead in a ditch would be rad.
Oh, fuck! - What? - [LAUGHS.]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, no.
It's, uh yeah.
I know we're in a dark forest, but if anybody sees a Ralphs [SCOFFS.]
Fuck Ralphs.
- I was banned from Ralphs.
- Really? Apparently you can't sell your own yogurt.
- Oh.
- Is everything okay? I forgot the steaks.
One steak per person.
That's what they asked for, and I got - No steaks per person! - [LAUGHS.]
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Kathryn's gonna fucking kill me.
Yeah.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
This is tomorrow's breakfast.
I mean, just in case you're wondering.
I'm never getting that money back for the steaks.
Has anyone bothered to Venmo me yet? Kathryn, I don't have reception here.
Exactly, which is why I asked everyone to do it before we came.
I'm not feeling very well.
Wasn't this the best day ever, you guys? [LAUGHING.]
So fun.
[LAUGHING.]
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
[LAUGHTER ECHOING.]
Ugh.
Bad bitch that's down for whatever Call her Mighty Mouse 'Cause she fly for the cheddar She a promise for a king, she'll keep it with her Brain from the god and ass from the ghetto Sweet in the streets, but between the sheets Just to say the least, this bitch the devil She say I'ma go through hell for the pussy And I proceeded to grab a shovel Oh, my God, I'm fucked up What this girl done done to me? She said, "Daddy, wake up "Eat this pill right off of me "Come on, Daddy, drink up "This that life, that's fine for me "Come on, baby, keep up "You want some of me? You want all of me?" And she like, "Brace yourself, nigga "Go on, brace yourself "You really wanna roll? "Brace yourself, nigga "Go on, brace yourself "You really wanna go? "Brace yourself, nigga "Go on, brace yourself "You think you that cold? "Brace yourself Go on, brace yourself" Now we in the Uber I'm tweaking like a fiend for some water She said, "King, don't hold back, baby "It's time to go harder "Just one more puff of the blunt And you'll be my number one" I hit that shit and fell back She dropped a bean on my tongue And now I'm lifted, I'm in outer space My nose running, can't feel my face My eyes twitch and hands start to shake But the crazy thing about it's that I'm feeling great No appetite and I ain't even ate But I think a nigga's starting to hallucinate This bitch turn into Tony the Tiger With a nose filled with Frosted Flakes Oh, my God, I'm fucked up What this bitch done done to me? She said, "Daddy, wake up Eat this pill right off of me"
I'm Harry.
I'm the propri I run the place.
- WALT JODELL: Hey! - [LAUGHING JOVIALLY.]
- Happy Birthday, Walter.
- Cheers! CARLEEN: Margaret and Miguel aren't coming.
What? No.
Since when? - [GASPS.]
What was that?! - WALT: It's Miguel! That's not Margaret.
- I'm Jandice.
Hi, you guys! - Hi.
[EVERYONE CHEERS.]
JANDICE: Your friends are so funny.
- What is happening, here? - [CACKLING LAUGH.]
Wow, this is gonna be so fun.
You know what, it might not be fun.
It might not be fun at all.
[TV STATIC DRONES.]
[BRIGHT TONE.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
My happy hour starts At quarter to 3:00 Just like a goddess, yeah I'm parting the seas Ooh, feel that fire I'm a thousand degrees Don't you want to be like me? Ow! Ooh-ooh-ooh Follow the leader [ALL SHOUTING.]
- [HOLLERING.]
- Hut! - Sol! - Ow! I got it! I got it! I got it! I got it! [ALL HOLLERING, CHEERING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Come on, come on, come on, come on! I got the hunger, and it tells me to win Yes! Yes! Yes! And ready? Go! ALL: Yay! Okay, stop doing that.
Ready? Go.
ALL: Yay! Hike! One, one thousand.
Two, one thousand.
Three, one thousand.
Four, one thousand.
Ah! ALL: Oh! Orvis! - Oof! - You all right, kid? - Oh, my baby! - I'm fine.
How old are you? What day is it? - What color is Mommy's hair? - It changes all the time.
Oh, he's agitated.
Do not move.
Lie down.
You could have a concussion.
Do you understand? Don't move your head.
I'm really sorry.
I play rugby in a semiprofessional league, and the instincts just sort of took over.
I-I just don't get it.
He wasn't even playing.
What's the helmet for? - He's fine.
- Is he? Yeah.
I mean, he's smiling.
He doesn't have any bruises.
What do you say we get back in the game? Please just walk away from me.
I'm gonna choose not to take this personally - right now.
- Hey, you shouldn't, baby.
- This is not about you.
- It's not about you.
- It's because of you.
- Hey.
- I got him.
- Y'all sure are a weak lot.
You're lucky me and my beautiful wife didn't take one of our famous three-day hikes.
- I don't like to walk fast.
- So Harry says the nearest hospital is 30 minutes away.
But I'm happy to drive you.
Well, by that, I mean Nan's happy to drive you 'cause I don't have a license.
I'm a drinker.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[TIRES SQUEALING.]
[GRUNTING.]
Orvis! Orvis, come on.
Come here.
[GRUNTS.]
[PANTING.]
For the love of God, someone help me! My son is injured! - Where is everyone? - Hello? - Help! - Jimmy! Hey, Harry.
What's up? We need to see a doctor.
Oh, man, I just feel so bad that I ruined her whole plan.
No, it's okay, baby.
It's just, it's tough to watch Walt get knocked around like that all day.
He's such a good guy, you know? Hey, hey, hey.
Come on, guys, come on.
Kathryn's not that bad.
She's tough, she's bitter, she's hot with rage, but she's not bad.
She loves intensely.
Isn't that something to admire? And she's very, very loyal.
Oh, isn't that where we passed that cute town? That town was so cute.
Do you think they call it Cute City? - [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah, and it had that cute bar.
How fun would it be to go to that cute bar, you guys? - Yeah.
- Oh, man, that would be - pretty cute.
- Are you saying you don't want to go to the hospital? I mean, it's not like we're gonna be of any use at the ER.
I always get kicked out of those places - when I try to heal.
- Yeah, yeah.
Hey, hey, you know what? The best thing that we can do right now is to be as relaxed and refreshed as possible for when they return.
Right, hon? Honestly, I just need a drink.
Whatever's gonna get me out of this car.
All right, new plan! Yes! - Whoo-hoo! - All right! Yeah! It's not a laser, is it? His reflexes are all good.
Sight's clear.
I honestly think he just took a tumble.
But he's a tough guy.
Aren't you, Orvis? Don't agree if you don't agree.
No, you're not, Orvis.
No, he's not he's not tough.
Are you sure? Is there is there any kind of MRI? Well, he's not complaining of any specific injury.
I meant a full-body scan.
I don't even know what that would mean.
I think, uh, what the lovely Dr.
Chang is saying is that, uh, Orvis is fine, right? You know, it's been scary, but he's really and truly fine, so Have we got any sense of what's happening with his internal organs? I think if there were any kind of rupture, he would be expressing more pain when I palpate him.
Should I be continuing to home palpate? - I mean, I can't legally - [GIGGLING.]
- Tell you not to.
- That tickles.
Last question: how should I be continuing to monitor him over this next period of time? I think if you see any signs of concussions or he stops saying, "I'm fine," repeatedly.
But he really is fine.
Well, thank you so much.
And and you, too, Jimmy.
Appreciate it.
Well, I think that Dr.
Chang is a real sweetie.
You know who isn't sweet? Jandice.
She's not very sweet at all.
What do you mean? I think she's dangerous.
She's a threat.
She has a messy approach to human interaction.
Orvis, lie down.
Come on, buddy.
I feel as though someone invited a coyote to your birthday party.
And I don't care personally, but I don't want her to ruin the whole party.
It was an accident, honey.
And Orvis saved us a touchdown.
- Right, buddy? - She's nice.
She's nice.
So [GOOFILY.]
I say we just let it go and we just start afresh, you know? I don't know.
She freaks me out.
Where even is she, anyway? [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
- What is this gonna be, huh? - Whoa.
It looks good from the outside.
This is so much better than the hospital.
- [LAUGHS.]
- They have wings.
Hey, you think those pretzels are free? Holy shit, Carleen, maybe they have napkins too.
[GROANS.]
Uh, hello, miss.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, my darlin'.
[LAUGHS.]
Yee-ha.
My name is Clementine.
You're about to get the best meal in the west.
No Wi-Fi, no laptops.
What can I get you? I got this, you guys.
Do you all do jelly doughnut shots? Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, we do.
- You're my kind of gal.
- [LAUGHS.]
You're my kind of gal, gal.
- You look so familiar.
- I'm heavily featured in much of Nan Goldin's early work.
- Fuck, that's it.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm sorry, what's a jelly doughnut? Oh, it's a shot.
Equal parts Chambord and RumChata.
Oh, that's amazing, and I haven't heard any of those things.
- Two rounds.
- Um, do you have - a Dr Pepper for him? - Uh, don't listen to her.
I'm fine.
What? I know plenty of people in program who have a drink once in a while.
[ALL EXCLAIMING.]
I love anything that looks like pie.
There we go.
Whoo-hoo.
All right, well, vamos.
Vamos, vamos.
Ah, holy shit! Holy shit, that tastes exactly like a jelly fucking doughnut.
Oh, my God, you're totally right.
What kind of magic is this? She's a witch! - [LAUGHTER.]
- Told you! - [LAUGHS.]
- You did.
You did.
Are you not gonna do a shot? [SIGHS.]
I don't want one.
That is rude.
Come on hey, Sol.
- Have one of these.
- Uh Okay.
What? I got some wires I think I could attach to your chest.
- Are you still here? - I'm plummeting.
Now that I've taken care of my son, - my body is shutting down.
- Ma'am, you can't just No, you don't understand.
Five years ago, I had my tenth procedure under anesthesia.
Complete hysterectomy.
Hence her phantom periods.
- Her what? - Different hospitals call it different things.
Scoot over.
Any kind of stress can lead to inflammation, which affects my tissue issues and also my general mood.
We can't run any tests on you.
You can't run any tests on you.
We'd have to do intake if you want testing.
Fine.
Gosh darn American medical system and I'm privileged enough to have health insurance.
I can't even get the tests I need.
You know what? I'm gonna get the doctor.
Oh, thank you.
[SIGHS.]
Ow! - Walt, my shoulder.
- Sorry, honey.
[WHIMPERS.]
Where the eff is everybody? - [LAUGHTER.]
- Ventana, window.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
- Puerta.
- Door.
- Hey! - It's Walt.
It's Walt.
I gotta get it.
I gotta get this.
- All right.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Do you want us to let you out? - Oh, okay.
- We can let you out.
- Easy does it.
- All right.
Tell him we can get there if he needs us.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Hello? George, hi.
Walt, how is Orvis? Yeah, it's just a little jostle.
- He's fine, my brother.
- Pain is relative.
- You know what I mean? - Oh, thank God.
Really, thank God.
That is great news.
Where are you? Uh we're at a a Howard Johnson's uh, Hojo's.
It sucks.
Listen, brother, could you get the steaks for dinner? - Kathryn's kind of freaking out.
- Steaks.
Yeah, steaks.
Juicy steaks.
One per person.
They're at the store, McCall's.
They're all ordered and paid for.
McCall's, one per person.
- On it, my brother! - It's not even practical.
But it's not that bad if there's lube.
Hey, if you're gonna Can I - Okay, I'll talk to you later.
- [LAUGHS.]
I said I was at a Hojo's.
Why did I lie? Why did I lie? Hojo's doesn't even exist anymore.
[SCOFFS.]
You know what's not a lie? How good these jelly doughnut shots are.
- [LAUGHS.]
- It's official.
I like you.
[LAUGHTER.]
- Oh - Oh? And Orvis is alive.
[CHEERS.]
Told you, baby.
Corazón.
I wanna go for a fucking walk and explore this town.
- Who is with me? - I am in.
I am in, too, baby.
I wanna explore the town, and then I wanna explore - your body.
- Okay, I'm out.
Ugh, I wanna move my legs.
- I wanna walk.
- Yes, use those sexy - motherfucking lady walkers.
- How's it going? - What's doing? - I am gonna get - some bourbon in me.
- Oh, uh, Nurse? One bourbon, neat.
Done.
Wow.
Thanks a million, Little Chocolate.
So [SIGHS.]
How's work? Uh, it's great.
- What are you having? - Ro rosé.
Oh, yeah.
I don't like rosé.
Thank you, sir.
That's more like it.
[BELL JINGLES.]
Après vous, mademoiselle.
- [LAUGHS.]
- This is magic.
- Magic.
- Thank you, thank you.
We're very proud of our collection.
Oh, man, I-I used to hate antique shops when Margaret dragged me, like, to buy a pair of stools or a fucking accent pillow, but this fucking cool.
Look at these lederhosen.
- Nice.
- You'd be such a sexy baby in some sexy baby lederhosen.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, can I see this ring? Oh, sure.
Absolutely.
- Wow.
- Let me get that for you.
That's opal and tourmaline.
- Take a look.
- Gorgeous.
Oh, my God, tourmaline.
I love tourmaline.
What is the provenance of the ring? - [GROANS.]
- I'm sorry, the what? The provenance.
The the history.
Yeah, I-I know what it means.
I'm I'm just so taken by your accent.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, thank you very much.
You're a little bit more Yeah.
Yes, of course.
[LAUGHS.]
Anyway, that has a very interesting story.
That that ring was given to Liz Phair by John Cusack.
Shut up.
[SCOFFS.]
Liz Phair literally got me through college.
I mean, not that I finished, but the part I did get through, she got me through.
- She's spectacular.
- Wow.
- And that is beautiful on you.
- So, uh how much is that pretty piece? That's, uh, $5,000.
Okay.
Wow, okay.
And not even a diamond.
[LAUGHS.]
- It's perfect for you.
- It's perfect.
- It's perfect.
- You are perfect.
I'm gonna find something perfect for you back there.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Okay? [RETCHES.]
[GASPS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Nice.
Uh, hey.
Hi.
What up? Nothing much.
Just waiting for my dad.
He and his friends are drunk.
They'll probably have an orgy.
You? Just waiting for my brother.
He's buying weed with his friend Stu.
I'm not gonna smoke any, but I don't care - if they do it around me.
- Yeah, weed sucks.
I don't need a drug to eat a lot.
My name's Tyler.
Cool, cool.
Sol.
Solomon.
Isn't that a boy's name? You have a boy's name.
I'm not gay.
You know.
Yeah.
Neither am I.
- [SHOUTING.]
- God, flex that muscle! - Oh, God! - [SHOUTING IN SPANISH.]
[SCREAMS.]
Yeah, um [CLEARS THROAT.]
Thank you for, uh, helping me try on these pants.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
They look great.
[SNIFFLES.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- Oh, God.
- Hey, wait.
Fuck, I-I don't have my wallet.
Oh, God, that sucks.
Fuck.
[GROANS.]
I took it out of my pocket to take my pants off because they're stretch.
Well, I'm gonna go check on the others at the bar.
Oh, wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What, you you don't wanna stay and do this thing with me? No, you got this.
That was so hot in there.
Your dick felt more like a cock today.
- You know what I mean? - Fuck.
- You got this.
- You think so? - Yes.
- I got it.
I got it.
- Yum.
- I got it.
Okay.
Oh, uh, great.
You're still here.
Um look, I-I just wanted to say, sir, I'm sorry.
You should be sorry.
That was visceral and revolting.
I don't even normally work here.
This is Gerald's thing.
I stay home with the dogs.
This is not a gay beach in Puerto Vallarta.
I know.
I know, I hey, I don't know why I did it.
Except I'm in this new relationship, and and I have very little control over my actions.
I-I guess it's because I'm going through this very hard divorce, and whenever she desires me, it makes me feel like I-I have value again.
My house was was dark.
And she came in and turned the lights on again.
Sir, I just wiped your semen off the floor with a paper towel.
What can I do to make it up to you? I'll do anything.
Of course, I will pay for any damage to the property that our sex caused.
She loved that ring.
You gotta let it go, and you just gotta blow on.
You know? [LAUGHS.]
- Hey! - Hi.
- Oh, okay.
- Sit on down.
- Hi.
- [LAUGHS.]
Why do you have that look? Uh, Joe's weird.
I don't think he should be drinking.
Why? What'd he do? He called me Lil' Chocolate.
[LAUGHS.]
What? [STAMMERS.]
He did what? I was helping him get a drink at the bar, and then he said, "Thanks a million, - Lil' Chocolate.
" - [LAUGHS.]
Are you fucking serious? Oh, that guy is fucking asking for it.
- I'm gonna fuck him up.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
Half my friends send me black thumbs-up emojis.
Who who sends you those emojis? - It doesn't matter.
- No, I want fucking names.
- No.
- Who sends you black emojis? Don't say anything, okay? [SIGHS.]
Okay.
- You sure? - Yeah.
I love you so much.
Can we go yet? Soon.
We can go soon.
Why not now? 'Cause we're waiting to be discharged.
And we're also waiting to see if either Orvis or Mommy loses consciousness.
- I feel fine.
- [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
I feel good.
That's the weird thing about life, Orvie.
You can feel fine but also know that you are a ticking time bomb.
Your insides don't match your outsides.
It's the scariest part of being human.
I never want my Orvis to experience it.
Not once.
Okay? - You seem fine too.
- [SIGHS.]
I'm not, though.
I'm not fine.
I'll struggle through I'll I'll live a vaguely normal life but I am not fine.
Physically I mean, emotionally, I'm I'm totally great It's your daddy's birthday.
And ha we have to be strong for Daddy.
[LAUGHS.]
Hmm? Shake it up Break the bubble Break it up Pour some sugar on me Ooh, in the name of love Hi, little boy.
- Did your doggy run away? - [GROWLS.]
[SLURRING.]
Hey, Jandy.
Dandy-dandy.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- How's it going? - Uh it's going great.
It's the best day of my life.
I'm not sad.
I'm happy.
Welcome to Jandy's.
May I take your order? - Uh - What are you coming off of? What? Nothing.
What noth Oxy.
Oh, fuck.
You got caught up in that whole conspiracy? I know, right? The fucking Sackler family runs the entire pharmaceutical industry, and they convince these doctors to prescribe this heavy fucking narcotic for basic injuries.
- Yes.
- It's such a dark part of American history.
But yeah, I'm on them.
I just get mine from dealers.
Mm, smart.
Do you want one? Want one what? No What? - Do you want it? - No, I God damn it.
I shouldn't.
- I shouldn't.
I shouldn't.
- Well, here's what I suggest.
- You're feeling edgy - Yeah.
- You should journal - [SIGHS.]
And you should take the fucking edge off.
I fucking forgot my journal.
Open your mouth.
Stick out your tongue.
In the name of love - Pour some sugar on me - Ooh, whoo! Okay, go.
Come on, fire me up Pour your sugar on me That'll take the edge off.
- You know? - Take the edge off? Jandy, I don't want to take the fucking edge off.
I prefer to feel absolutely fucking nothing.
All right? Like I'm frozen in ice.
That is so smart.
I think I'm gonna join you.
[LAUGHS.]
Where the fuck did you come from? Oakland.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
[TOMMY TUTONE'S "867-5309/JENNY" PLAYING.]
- Hello.
- Holy fuck.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
That was a good one.
- Yeah.
- What are you doing? What are you doing? What am I doing? What are you doing? - I was taking a shit.
- Oh.
What is this, one of your bits? No, it's not a fucking bit.
I just heard that you called my long-term partner the love of my life, Nina-Joy Lil' Chocolate.
Did I? I don't [LAUGHS.]
[SNORTS.]
You don't even fucking remember.
Hey, man, listen, I'm a nickname guy, you know? I come up with nicknames for people.
George What's up, George Bush? And you think Lil' Chocolate is an appropriate nickname for a beautiful woman of color? - Is that what you think? - [LAUGHS.]
Listen, man, I don't I hey, I didn't I didn't mean anything by it, so it's just it's not Okay whoa! What the You didn't mean anything by it? You didn't mean anything by it? I guess the KKK doesn't mean anything by it either, huh? They're just wearing their sheets 'cause they're shy, right? Oh, you know what? Dude, take it easy, all right? Don't forget that I was also married to a beautiful black woman.
At least I was until she died a tragic death.
Oh, so that makes it okay, huh? I bet you use black emojis, too, don't you, motherfucker? - Huh? - What? - Oh, yeah.
- No, you know what? - Now that I think about it - Yeah? I didn't call her Lil' Chocolate.
Right, of course you didn't.
I called her Little Chocolate.
It's totally different, man.
Are you serious right now? Are we still doing a bit? I'm serious as a fucking heart attack, man! So here's the deal: you are not going to speak to Nina-Joy for the rest of the trip.
No hello, no, "Hey, did you see the new episode of 'Young Sheldon'?" - Fucking nothing.
- Don't even watch that show.
I don't know if you're aware of this or maybe your head is just that far up your own ass but this country is in the middle of a fucking race war, and you are either a part of the problem or part of the solution.
And I am diagnosing you as part of the fucking problem.
Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay, you know what? I feel like this is an overreaction, - and so I'm gonna walk away.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
And I am not afraid to come at you with my physical body, my friend.
Okay, you fucking wouldn't.
Oh, I sure as Shelly would.
And by the way, I boom-opped the Robert Downey Jr.
episodes of "Ally McBeal," so I'm pretty sure I know what drug withdrawal looks like.
So enjoy rocking back and forth and shitting your pillow, you fucking animal.
Tee-hee! [LAUGHS ODDLY.]
Back when I was drinking, I had this pesky habit of slipping on my own vomit.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.]
Tale as old as time.
We'd better get back before sundown.
Nan's got a bad case of nyctophobia with a side of achluophobia.
[INDISTINCT SPEECH ON TV.]
What are what are those things? That'd be fear of the dark followed by a fear of a second World War II, stemming from her belief in reincarnation and her strong sense that Hitler's on his way back to us.
Okay, got it.
Please don't mention those things to Kathryn.
I won't.
You really look out for her, don't you? Kathryn's sensitive.
To ghosts? What? No, I-I mean emotionally.
Oh, I understand.
Mine's quite sensitive as well.
Sometimes I feel like her grief could swallow the whole world.
Uh, grief over what? Uh, I never asked.
That's the thing about women.
They're mysterious.
They're like bats or night hedgehogs or something.
They're only seen when they want to be seen, and other than that, you're just living in their world.
And sometimes we don't even understand what kind of world that is.
[SIGHS.]
You watch out for yourself.
Okay? And never, ever put down the knife.
The knife? The knife.
Is that a metaphor or Yeah.
You know what? We gotta get out of here.
- You feel good, brother? - Sure.
I like you.
[CHEERFUL MUSIC.]
You know, I'd really rather give her the front.
I'm trying to help you out, Walt.
I want you to claim your power.
Now, she's gonna sit in the back, and she's gonna like it.
And tonight you'll see you got yourself a good girl.
- Okay.
- Okay.
The knife.
Oh, God.
This is so scary.
It's getting so hairy to navigate out there.
It's fucking pitch-black.
And where are even Carleen and Joe? I can't see their car.
Dead in a ditch would be rad.
Oh, fuck! - What? - [LAUGHS.]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, no.
It's, uh yeah.
I know we're in a dark forest, but if anybody sees a Ralphs [SCOFFS.]
Fuck Ralphs.
- I was banned from Ralphs.
- Really? Apparently you can't sell your own yogurt.
- Oh.
- Is everything okay? I forgot the steaks.
One steak per person.
That's what they asked for, and I got - No steaks per person! - [LAUGHS.]
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Kathryn's gonna fucking kill me.
Yeah.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
This is tomorrow's breakfast.
I mean, just in case you're wondering.
I'm never getting that money back for the steaks.
Has anyone bothered to Venmo me yet? Kathryn, I don't have reception here.
Exactly, which is why I asked everyone to do it before we came.
I'm not feeling very well.
Wasn't this the best day ever, you guys? [LAUGHING.]
So fun.
[LAUGHING.]
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
[LAUGHTER ECHOING.]
Ugh.
Bad bitch that's down for whatever Call her Mighty Mouse 'Cause she fly for the cheddar She a promise for a king, she'll keep it with her Brain from the god and ass from the ghetto Sweet in the streets, but between the sheets Just to say the least, this bitch the devil She say I'ma go through hell for the pussy And I proceeded to grab a shovel Oh, my God, I'm fucked up What this girl done done to me? She said, "Daddy, wake up "Eat this pill right off of me "Come on, Daddy, drink up "This that life, that's fine for me "Come on, baby, keep up "You want some of me? You want all of me?" And she like, "Brace yourself, nigga "Go on, brace yourself "You really wanna roll? "Brace yourself, nigga "Go on, brace yourself "You really wanna go? "Brace yourself, nigga "Go on, brace yourself "You think you that cold? "Brace yourself Go on, brace yourself" Now we in the Uber I'm tweaking like a fiend for some water She said, "King, don't hold back, baby "It's time to go harder "Just one more puff of the blunt And you'll be my number one" I hit that shit and fell back She dropped a bean on my tongue And now I'm lifted, I'm in outer space My nose running, can't feel my face My eyes twitch and hands start to shake But the crazy thing about it's that I'm feeling great No appetite and I ain't even ate But I think a nigga's starting to hallucinate This bitch turn into Tony the Tiger With a nose filled with Frosted Flakes Oh, my God, I'm fucked up What this bitch done done to me? She said, "Daddy, wake up Eat this pill right off of me"