Can't Cope, Won't Cope (2016) s01e02 Episode Script
Drive on, Drive on, Drive on, Drive On
Kate decided to have performance reviews.
I don't want to be more qualified to do that fucking job.
What do you want this to mean? Apparently my work has no personality.
I actually cannot cope with Americans.
Did you just get her to put in Yeah.
Are you okay? Mature students shouldn't have to go on an exchange.
So what's your issue? My sister will hear.
Simon! Truman Show.
Breaking news, the multi-award winning Hollywood actor Christian Jay, has died while filming his new blockbuster film, End of Oblivion 3.
This amateur footage shows the last moments of Jay's life.
Well, this is just great.
Don't take it personally, Kate.
I have a mortgage, Lorcan.
And? Well, I'll lose my job if I lose this account.
It's really upsetting.
Do you know who I'd say is way more upset? His wife, his kids, his cleaner, everybody who ever knew him.
Everyone should be more upset than you.
Aisling, when one of our most sensitive clients dies, I have to deal with it, as manager, and I will, okay? As soon as they wake up I will ring them.
Jennifer is based on the east coast, she's wide awake, Kate, really I can deal with this.
This could be career ending stuff for you, couldn't it? I will burst that ball, Lorraine.
Fine Kate, work your magic.
Isn't calling them now a bit insensitive? Hello, um Hello? Niffer.
Jennifer, it's Kate, calling from-- Who is this? Hello? Hi, Jennifer? It's Aisling, calling from Sweeney Grimes and Hunt.
Oh, Aisling! I am so sorry to hear about Christian's death.
It's horrible.
I know, awful.
The helicopter, it's just-- Awful.
Listen, did Christian talk to you about the investment? Yeah, it's due in today.
Why couldn't he have died tomorrow? If you want to terminate, Jennifer, I totally understand.
I just don't know if he-- But I think it's what he would have wanted.
You do? I can send it off to you now, will you sign it and send it back? Okay.
The whole office sends our condolences, and we'll see you soon.
Thank you.
God bless.
Bye, bye.
-Thank you.
Spit it out, Aisling.
Is that how you speak to somebody who just saved you your job.
She will.
I got her with the,"It's what he would have wanted" line.
He's not even dead three hours and you got her to reinvest.
I have never been more happy.
Okay, half day, and dinner on the company.
Don't you think this is all a bit immoral? Shut up, Lorraine.
Okay, I've sent that contract to print.
Guys, guys.
You guys call a cab, I'm just going to run upstairs and let them know I sorted that problem.
Nothing like being unappreciated, am I right? Only you could get a dead man to reinvest.
Here's the contract.
Thank you.
-Well done.
Lorraine, are you coming? Thanks for your help.
If we get caught, this better be worth it.
Ferg, like, I saw it.
Go on.
-There is a man, sitting in a cafe, listening to a record on a turntable, which he brought there himself.
But you do know they say the sound is much better like.
Carrying it around like, you'd get curvature of the spine, Ferg, what's wrong with people? It's gas the way you get so worked up about some dope listening to music.
Listening to a record on a turntable in Phibsborough.
Jesus, fair play to her persistence.
No, she just really wants me to come out, I'd usually be there by now.
Could you please hold the ladder with two hands? I'm holding it with my foot, look.
What's wrong with an MP3 player? Ferg, I have to go, before Aisling poisons her boss with alcohol.
Keep me updated on that.
-Yeah.
Come here, don't carry that on your own.
Here, do you reckon I'd get into Jacobs dressed like this? They wouldn't even let you get onto the Luas dressed like that.
Fine, I'll change then.
All right.
Right, later! Good luck.
-Bye.
I'm going to do dead man's arm, it always works.
Are you okay, miss? Four sambuca, usual.
See how it works? You're so funny.
Hey, hey, garcon, make it eight.
Are you flirting with me, Rebecca? Not everyone is flirting with you, Aisling.
What does that even mean? I am going to the toilet.
Do I need to go to the toilet? I do.
-Hey, I'm going to go get another drink, okay? Shut up, Lorraine! Aisling, is there anyone else in here with us? Oh, I've no interest in chatting while I can hear you pee.
Oh! Do you think I've an interest in listening to you have sex with my brother while I'm trying to sleep? Kate, I Aisling, I'm going to need you to pass me some toilet paper, please.
Kate, I, I didn't know he was your brother.
Sure, whatever.
Do you ever drink milk? No, why are you drinking milk? It's healthy.
It's healthy.
Get the ladder.
Hey! Ha, you're stuck up there now.
I need that! And your poster's shite.
-Fuck! Danielle, pick up your phone.
Keep her lit.
Leave the bottle.
It's 90 euro.
-Pocket change.
One, two, three.
Yes, I'll take her home.
Oh no, no, no, no.
Aisling I can't do it, if I have more I'm going to puke.
You're grand, you're grand, just breathe through your nose.
Have you that sour pre Don't spit it out, swallow it, it settles the stomach.
That stuff is a life saver.
No, no, no, let me vomit.
Christ, the drama.
Here, Ash, is this Penny's? Yeah it's 7 euro, it's yours though.
Use the hood, it's waterproof, go on.
I don't know what you're laughing at, you've to kiss that mouth later.
Here, thanks.
Come on, I'll get you a taxi.
And again.
-Race you.
Don't.
No like, no.
Get your girlfriend to scratch your itch.
I'm going on an adventure.
Yelle! Don't wake the child, she's napping.
Ash, come on, I know you want to.
Get your hands off me, Lorcan.
Why the hard to get all of a sudden? Your girlfriend? Reason enough? Don't worry about her.
I, it's not even that serious.
How many times do I have to tell you? It's not a problem.
Believe me, it's a problem, now move.
Danielle! Lads, just let me fall asleep on a bar stool like.
Are you going to come home with me? I put Rebecca in a taxi.
You're such a gent.
Kiss me.
Oh, like, hello! Lads, if I wanted to watch people all over each other, I'd go dogging.
My God, Danielle, let's do it! What? -Let's go dogging.
You can't be serious.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go.
You two creeps are going fucking dogging? No, we're going to watch other people dogging.
Once we followed Danielle's ex down there, and we discovered it.
Yeah, I thought he was cheating.
She was right.
Grab a jacket, it's going to be Baltic, come on.
Bye, Lorcan.
-Bye.
Hello? My jacket.
I'll call you later.
Bye, Lorcan.
So whereabouts, ladies, up here is it? Yeah.
Taxi Good, can I ask you something? Go on.
What do, what do guys like more, like do you want us to be honest or do you like when we play hard to get? Like what actually goes on in your minds? I tell you girls, it's a long time since I had to worry about them things.
But here is it? Yeah, here's fine.
8.
70 so, ladies.
No, we're not done at all at all, we just want you to proofread the text, and then we'll take off again.
Just read it and tell me if I sound too needy.
Well I'm not an educated man but I do know a thing or two about the-- You're a man, that's enough, it doesn't matter.
Lorcan, is it? Lorcan, yeah.
He has a girlfriend, so I don't want to sound needy.
I'll get a taxi over to yours in about an hour.
Will you bring me to work in the morning then? Just clear, and to the point, nothing too needy about that.
Send it, Ash.
Thanks.
Will you drive on there? Well, youse two are messers.
Lorcan still hasn't texted back.
Yelle, can I use your phone to see if he's online, I don't want to be annoying him.
Yeah.
So, tell me where youse are going? It's a surprise.
Have youse nothing better to be doing? Well, I've fucking loads to be doing, but sure YOLO, you know.
Well, yeah, how is the course going? It's been-- -Can I actually just Oh, here, sit down, put your seat belt on.
Taxi Good, go straight down there and then take a right.
Go on, Taxi Good! Taxi Good, we actually love you like.
I feel so excited.
Oh no, that's it, fucking get out.
That's gone beyond a fucking joke now.
I was only messing, please don't leave us here.
Get out of the fucking car now, I've had enough of your guff! I need to use the toilet.
Bye, Taxi Good.
I'm sorry, Taxi Good.
I think a bit of wee came out.
Wait for me, Danielle.
Aisling, this is not easy in heels like.
I know, I know.
Shut up.
Shut up! Oh, my God.
Yelle, I'm actually going to piss my pants, I need to pee.
Oh, I'm actually going to pee too like, wait.
Yeah.
Hold on.
-Okay.
Oh.
Last seen pissing up against a bush by the sea.
This is it like.
Don't forget to shake.
I am.
Bob Bob, I am definitely done.
-I'm done.
Okay.
I'm done, come on Right, let's find the doggers.
Ready? Stay down.
-I am down.
Oh, my God.
What are they doing, I can't see.
Aisling, I don't know if that's a man or a woman.
Did you hear that? And a dog.
Who brings a dog dogging They will hear you.
Stop.
Aisling, I'm going to go, make a run for it.
No! -I am.
Wait.
Danielle! Danielle.
Aisling they're from Cork, go on the boys.
Is that your phone or mine? It's mine, it's Lorcan.
Put it on silent, they'll hear us, on Tara like.
Is that a booty call? Booty call? All right, All Saints! Look at him go.
Oh, go on, son, get in.
Go on, son, get it in there like.
Oh, change positions.
Aisling.
No, Aisling, no.
No! Now I've a small bit of a worry pain like.
He's left the key in.
You're the only one who knows how to drive.
You've a provisional like.
-It's expired though.
Like it matters.
Oh, we're arresting you here because your license has expired and you stole a car! Go! -I am going.
What is that like? This man's taste in music is completely different to his taste in sex.
Taste in sex, can you even have a taste in sex? Oh, my God.
Go on! Pull in here, pull in here.
Yeah, I want to drive in though.
Drive in where, it's a beach! Aisling it's a beach like.
Yeah, but I can do it.
Oh, my God.
This is it.
Careful like.
Watch! Brake, brake like.
-I am braking, Aisling! I am braking.
Get out! Oh, oh! Oh, my bag! Oh, my bag's stuck.
? I don't want your gold And silver? ? I don't want your house And land? ? I am going with a soldier I have promised him My hand.
.
? Wait! Come on.
-I lost a shoe.
I lost a shoe! ? You'll get married On a Sunday? ? And you'll wear That wedding band? ? Step it out Mary My fine daughter? ? Step it out Mary if you can? ? Step it out Mary My fine daughter? ? Show your legs To the countryman? Hey, I think I need the guards.
My car was stolen.
Oh, fuck! No, I can see it, it's here.
It's stuck, in the sea.
Aisling, that's not funny.
No, no, no, it's empty.
Look, they've run off.
I don't know where they're gone.
Oh, my God, I've such a worry pain.
Come on, we have to leave.
Come on.
Please can we stay and watch the guards come.
No, Aisling, it is morning, the sun is coming up, we have stolen a car, enough is enough like.
Give me my phone.
There! Why didn't you tell me Ferg was trying to ring me? I didn't see them.
You obviously did, you were using my phone.
I thought they were old calls.
It's basically 7:00 now, I can't call him back, thanks for that like.
Taxi Good? Hi, it's Danielle.
Please, please, come back.
I know, I'm sorry.
Yeah, I'll meet you out there.
Thanks, bye.
Thanks for leaving me on my own.
You're welcome to come home like a normal human.
Don't bother bullying me now.
I'm not fucking bullying you.
I'm asking you to stop being such a creep, taking CDs and lurking in the bushes at the scene of a crime, come on! You ruin every single night with these fucking lectures.
We're having the best time and now you've ruined it.
I ruin it? Don't bother.
All right.
So you're leaving me on my own? That's grand, that's fine.
One fucking shoe, but that's grand! Shut up! -You shut up, Danielle.
Shut up, Aisling.
No, you shut up, Danielle.
Danielle! Danielle, get down.
No, Danielle! Danielle, come come back.
Jesus Christ.
-Get down.
Get fucking down.
He'll see you, you know.
Shut up.
-Danielle! She has work in a few hours like.
It's your call.
Turn around.
Can you wait outside the house, and then take me to work? I sure can, yeah.
Can I please borrow money until Thursday? Yeah.
Thanks.
Oh, here, what do the guards want? Sir, a stolen car has been reported in the area.
Have you seen any unusual activity? No, guard.
Where are you off to? Just bringing these ladies to work.
Right, on you go.
? Partly for the hell of it? ? Solely out of boredom? ? Mostly for the story? ? It's where you get Your glorified high? ? Partly for the story? ? Solely out of boredom?? Mostly for the hell of it? ? It's where you get Your glorified high?
I don't want to be more qualified to do that fucking job.
What do you want this to mean? Apparently my work has no personality.
I actually cannot cope with Americans.
Did you just get her to put in Yeah.
Are you okay? Mature students shouldn't have to go on an exchange.
So what's your issue? My sister will hear.
Simon! Truman Show.
Breaking news, the multi-award winning Hollywood actor Christian Jay, has died while filming his new blockbuster film, End of Oblivion 3.
This amateur footage shows the last moments of Jay's life.
Well, this is just great.
Don't take it personally, Kate.
I have a mortgage, Lorcan.
And? Well, I'll lose my job if I lose this account.
It's really upsetting.
Do you know who I'd say is way more upset? His wife, his kids, his cleaner, everybody who ever knew him.
Everyone should be more upset than you.
Aisling, when one of our most sensitive clients dies, I have to deal with it, as manager, and I will, okay? As soon as they wake up I will ring them.
Jennifer is based on the east coast, she's wide awake, Kate, really I can deal with this.
This could be career ending stuff for you, couldn't it? I will burst that ball, Lorraine.
Fine Kate, work your magic.
Isn't calling them now a bit insensitive? Hello, um Hello? Niffer.
Jennifer, it's Kate, calling from-- Who is this? Hello? Hi, Jennifer? It's Aisling, calling from Sweeney Grimes and Hunt.
Oh, Aisling! I am so sorry to hear about Christian's death.
It's horrible.
I know, awful.
The helicopter, it's just-- Awful.
Listen, did Christian talk to you about the investment? Yeah, it's due in today.
Why couldn't he have died tomorrow? If you want to terminate, Jennifer, I totally understand.
I just don't know if he-- But I think it's what he would have wanted.
You do? I can send it off to you now, will you sign it and send it back? Okay.
The whole office sends our condolences, and we'll see you soon.
Thank you.
God bless.
Bye, bye.
-Thank you.
Spit it out, Aisling.
Is that how you speak to somebody who just saved you your job.
She will.
I got her with the,"It's what he would have wanted" line.
He's not even dead three hours and you got her to reinvest.
I have never been more happy.
Okay, half day, and dinner on the company.
Don't you think this is all a bit immoral? Shut up, Lorraine.
Okay, I've sent that contract to print.
Guys, guys.
You guys call a cab, I'm just going to run upstairs and let them know I sorted that problem.
Nothing like being unappreciated, am I right? Only you could get a dead man to reinvest.
Here's the contract.
Thank you.
-Well done.
Lorraine, are you coming? Thanks for your help.
If we get caught, this better be worth it.
Ferg, like, I saw it.
Go on.
-There is a man, sitting in a cafe, listening to a record on a turntable, which he brought there himself.
But you do know they say the sound is much better like.
Carrying it around like, you'd get curvature of the spine, Ferg, what's wrong with people? It's gas the way you get so worked up about some dope listening to music.
Listening to a record on a turntable in Phibsborough.
Jesus, fair play to her persistence.
No, she just really wants me to come out, I'd usually be there by now.
Could you please hold the ladder with two hands? I'm holding it with my foot, look.
What's wrong with an MP3 player? Ferg, I have to go, before Aisling poisons her boss with alcohol.
Keep me updated on that.
-Yeah.
Come here, don't carry that on your own.
Here, do you reckon I'd get into Jacobs dressed like this? They wouldn't even let you get onto the Luas dressed like that.
Fine, I'll change then.
All right.
Right, later! Good luck.
-Bye.
I'm going to do dead man's arm, it always works.
Are you okay, miss? Four sambuca, usual.
See how it works? You're so funny.
Hey, hey, garcon, make it eight.
Are you flirting with me, Rebecca? Not everyone is flirting with you, Aisling.
What does that even mean? I am going to the toilet.
Do I need to go to the toilet? I do.
-Hey, I'm going to go get another drink, okay? Shut up, Lorraine! Aisling, is there anyone else in here with us? Oh, I've no interest in chatting while I can hear you pee.
Oh! Do you think I've an interest in listening to you have sex with my brother while I'm trying to sleep? Kate, I Aisling, I'm going to need you to pass me some toilet paper, please.
Kate, I, I didn't know he was your brother.
Sure, whatever.
Do you ever drink milk? No, why are you drinking milk? It's healthy.
It's healthy.
Get the ladder.
Hey! Ha, you're stuck up there now.
I need that! And your poster's shite.
-Fuck! Danielle, pick up your phone.
Keep her lit.
Leave the bottle.
It's 90 euro.
-Pocket change.
One, two, three.
Yes, I'll take her home.
Oh no, no, no, no.
Aisling I can't do it, if I have more I'm going to puke.
You're grand, you're grand, just breathe through your nose.
Have you that sour pre Don't spit it out, swallow it, it settles the stomach.
That stuff is a life saver.
No, no, no, let me vomit.
Christ, the drama.
Here, Ash, is this Penny's? Yeah it's 7 euro, it's yours though.
Use the hood, it's waterproof, go on.
I don't know what you're laughing at, you've to kiss that mouth later.
Here, thanks.
Come on, I'll get you a taxi.
And again.
-Race you.
Don't.
No like, no.
Get your girlfriend to scratch your itch.
I'm going on an adventure.
Yelle! Don't wake the child, she's napping.
Ash, come on, I know you want to.
Get your hands off me, Lorcan.
Why the hard to get all of a sudden? Your girlfriend? Reason enough? Don't worry about her.
I, it's not even that serious.
How many times do I have to tell you? It's not a problem.
Believe me, it's a problem, now move.
Danielle! Lads, just let me fall asleep on a bar stool like.
Are you going to come home with me? I put Rebecca in a taxi.
You're such a gent.
Kiss me.
Oh, like, hello! Lads, if I wanted to watch people all over each other, I'd go dogging.
My God, Danielle, let's do it! What? -Let's go dogging.
You can't be serious.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go.
You two creeps are going fucking dogging? No, we're going to watch other people dogging.
Once we followed Danielle's ex down there, and we discovered it.
Yeah, I thought he was cheating.
She was right.
Grab a jacket, it's going to be Baltic, come on.
Bye, Lorcan.
-Bye.
Hello? My jacket.
I'll call you later.
Bye, Lorcan.
So whereabouts, ladies, up here is it? Yeah.
Taxi Good, can I ask you something? Go on.
What do, what do guys like more, like do you want us to be honest or do you like when we play hard to get? Like what actually goes on in your minds? I tell you girls, it's a long time since I had to worry about them things.
But here is it? Yeah, here's fine.
8.
70 so, ladies.
No, we're not done at all at all, we just want you to proofread the text, and then we'll take off again.
Just read it and tell me if I sound too needy.
Well I'm not an educated man but I do know a thing or two about the-- You're a man, that's enough, it doesn't matter.
Lorcan, is it? Lorcan, yeah.
He has a girlfriend, so I don't want to sound needy.
I'll get a taxi over to yours in about an hour.
Will you bring me to work in the morning then? Just clear, and to the point, nothing too needy about that.
Send it, Ash.
Thanks.
Will you drive on there? Well, youse two are messers.
Lorcan still hasn't texted back.
Yelle, can I use your phone to see if he's online, I don't want to be annoying him.
Yeah.
So, tell me where youse are going? It's a surprise.
Have youse nothing better to be doing? Well, I've fucking loads to be doing, but sure YOLO, you know.
Well, yeah, how is the course going? It's been-- -Can I actually just Oh, here, sit down, put your seat belt on.
Taxi Good, go straight down there and then take a right.
Go on, Taxi Good! Taxi Good, we actually love you like.
I feel so excited.
Oh no, that's it, fucking get out.
That's gone beyond a fucking joke now.
I was only messing, please don't leave us here.
Get out of the fucking car now, I've had enough of your guff! I need to use the toilet.
Bye, Taxi Good.
I'm sorry, Taxi Good.
I think a bit of wee came out.
Wait for me, Danielle.
Aisling, this is not easy in heels like.
I know, I know.
Shut up.
Shut up! Oh, my God.
Yelle, I'm actually going to piss my pants, I need to pee.
Oh, I'm actually going to pee too like, wait.
Yeah.
Hold on.
-Okay.
Oh.
Last seen pissing up against a bush by the sea.
This is it like.
Don't forget to shake.
I am.
Bob Bob, I am definitely done.
-I'm done.
Okay.
I'm done, come on Right, let's find the doggers.
Ready? Stay down.
-I am down.
Oh, my God.
What are they doing, I can't see.
Aisling, I don't know if that's a man or a woman.
Did you hear that? And a dog.
Who brings a dog dogging They will hear you.
Stop.
Aisling, I'm going to go, make a run for it.
No! -I am.
Wait.
Danielle! Danielle.
Aisling they're from Cork, go on the boys.
Is that your phone or mine? It's mine, it's Lorcan.
Put it on silent, they'll hear us, on Tara like.
Is that a booty call? Booty call? All right, All Saints! Look at him go.
Oh, go on, son, get in.
Go on, son, get it in there like.
Oh, change positions.
Aisling.
No, Aisling, no.
No! Now I've a small bit of a worry pain like.
He's left the key in.
You're the only one who knows how to drive.
You've a provisional like.
-It's expired though.
Like it matters.
Oh, we're arresting you here because your license has expired and you stole a car! Go! -I am going.
What is that like? This man's taste in music is completely different to his taste in sex.
Taste in sex, can you even have a taste in sex? Oh, my God.
Go on! Pull in here, pull in here.
Yeah, I want to drive in though.
Drive in where, it's a beach! Aisling it's a beach like.
Yeah, but I can do it.
Oh, my God.
This is it.
Careful like.
Watch! Brake, brake like.
-I am braking, Aisling! I am braking.
Get out! Oh, oh! Oh, my bag! Oh, my bag's stuck.
? I don't want your gold And silver? ? I don't want your house And land? ? I am going with a soldier I have promised him My hand.
.
? Wait! Come on.
-I lost a shoe.
I lost a shoe! ? You'll get married On a Sunday? ? And you'll wear That wedding band? ? Step it out Mary My fine daughter? ? Step it out Mary if you can? ? Step it out Mary My fine daughter? ? Show your legs To the countryman? Hey, I think I need the guards.
My car was stolen.
Oh, fuck! No, I can see it, it's here.
It's stuck, in the sea.
Aisling, that's not funny.
No, no, no, it's empty.
Look, they've run off.
I don't know where they're gone.
Oh, my God, I've such a worry pain.
Come on, we have to leave.
Come on.
Please can we stay and watch the guards come.
No, Aisling, it is morning, the sun is coming up, we have stolen a car, enough is enough like.
Give me my phone.
There! Why didn't you tell me Ferg was trying to ring me? I didn't see them.
You obviously did, you were using my phone.
I thought they were old calls.
It's basically 7:00 now, I can't call him back, thanks for that like.
Taxi Good? Hi, it's Danielle.
Please, please, come back.
I know, I'm sorry.
Yeah, I'll meet you out there.
Thanks, bye.
Thanks for leaving me on my own.
You're welcome to come home like a normal human.
Don't bother bullying me now.
I'm not fucking bullying you.
I'm asking you to stop being such a creep, taking CDs and lurking in the bushes at the scene of a crime, come on! You ruin every single night with these fucking lectures.
We're having the best time and now you've ruined it.
I ruin it? Don't bother.
All right.
So you're leaving me on my own? That's grand, that's fine.
One fucking shoe, but that's grand! Shut up! -You shut up, Danielle.
Shut up, Aisling.
No, you shut up, Danielle.
Danielle! Danielle, get down.
No, Danielle! Danielle, come come back.
Jesus Christ.
-Get down.
Get fucking down.
He'll see you, you know.
Shut up.
-Danielle! She has work in a few hours like.
It's your call.
Turn around.
Can you wait outside the house, and then take me to work? I sure can, yeah.
Can I please borrow money until Thursday? Yeah.
Thanks.
Oh, here, what do the guards want? Sir, a stolen car has been reported in the area.
Have you seen any unusual activity? No, guard.
Where are you off to? Just bringing these ladies to work.
Right, on you go.
? Partly for the hell of it? ? Solely out of boredom? ? Mostly for the story? ? It's where you get Your glorified high? ? Partly for the story? ? Solely out of boredom?? Mostly for the hell of it? ? It's where you get Your glorified high?