Cardinal Burns (2012) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
1 Oh! Get them! Get them! Get them! Oh, hiya, Charlie.
Oh, nice jacket! Yeah.
Check it out.
It's a beer.
Oh! Morning, Charlie.
Got a moment to give me a hand? James, I'll have to stop you right there, mate.
I've got a nine o'clock flirt scheduled with Claire.
Can we pick this up after, yeah? You're not Claire.
No, I'm Anne.
I'm covering for Claire while she's on holiday.
Hey.
How was your nine o'clock with Claire? Not good.
Claire's not there.
It's some new receptionist.
Let me check this fishie out.
Oh, yeah! So what's the problem? Why don't you just flirt with her instead? I can't just rock up and start flirting with her willy-nilly! I've built up a rapport with the others.
It's like with Susan.
Flirting with her is like wearing a comfy pair of old socks.
Isn't that right, Susan? Yes, Charlie.
Well, Charlie, you need to get back on the horse.
But to get back on the horse, first, you need to talk to the horse.
Now, repeat after me.
You're the best, you're the best, you're the best, you're the best.
You're the best.
You're the best.
You're the best.
You're the best You're the best.
You're the best Now, drink that.
What is it? Cherryade.
No, still not Claire.
That's a funny story! Really? It wasn't actually meant to be a funny story.
Really? It's brilliant.
Mm.
So what happened in head office? Well, basically, last week, I did quite a lot of overtime.
Yeah? Well, I did ten hours.
But they only had me down as doing eight.
Really? Yeah? Why? Well, there was obviously a mix-up.
Go on.
So I went to head office to go and speak to Sue.
Yeah? Oh, Sue Johnston? Yeah.
Oh, brilliant! She's the funniest person here after you.
Really? Yeah.
I actually find her pretty boring.
Brilliant, great value.
Er, so anyway, we're going through the rota and we realise there'd been a mistake.
And what had And what had happened was last week, I swapped quite a lot of shifts with Shaddiq.
Shaddiq? Yeah.
Oh, dear! Why? Er, well, because I had a family function.
Family function? Yeah.
Oh, shit! Basically, the problem is, because we're both on emergency tax Yes! They put our payslips into each other's pigeon hole.
Oh, shame you couldn't write that.
We should probably head in, I think.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I love working with you.
Hey, when we get back, will you tell me that one about, you know, when you swapped phone tariffs? What, from O2 to Orange? That one? Seb! Well, let me introduce myself.
My name is Gary Hall.
And I'm going to be teaching you over the next two days how to become a rock star.
OK? And one of the ways of getting to know you all, which I think is really useful, is finding out who your favourite bands are.
Which band or bands do you love? Bands that you get excited about, OK? Start calling out some bands.
Any bands? OK, well, I'll get the ball rolling.
One of my favourite bands are a band called Nickelback.
OK? So I'll write Nickelback down.
Nickel back.
They are one of my favourite bands.
Who are one of your favourite bands? Toploader.
Toploader, OK.
Great, they're a good band.
And they had a hit with the song? Dancing In The Moonlight.
That's Toploader.
OK.
Any more bands? Just start calling out bands.
Let's get a whole list going.
Any band from the last 60 years.
It doesn't have to be your favourite.
Start naming some bands.
Steve, which band do you love, which band gets you really excited? Toploader.
No, nothing from the board.
OK, all right.
Er Sopranos.
The Sopranos? Er, no.
That's a TV show.
OK, that's fine.
Let's move on to another exercise.
What I'd like you to look at is this.
Now, let's say this is the live venue.
Now, Steve, do you want to stand up a second? Come on, jump on up.
Mark with a cross where the lead singer would go.
There's your audience and there's your stage.
Where do you think the lead singer would go? OK, no, that's not in the venue.
So, in the venue.
That's your audience.
There's the stage.
That's No, that's your audience.
Look So let's say that's the drummer, OK? And there's your lead guitarist.
And there's your bass guitarist and there's your microphone in which the lead singer would sing into.
OK? Where do you think the lead singer would go to, Steve? OK, maybe have a sit down.
OK, would anyone else like to come up and show me where they think the lead singer would go? Anyone else? Anyone at all? Caroline? Quantum Of Solace.
Quantum Of Solace? No.
OK, all right.
Let's take a break, five minutes, and then you'll get to try on a pair of leather trousers.
OK? Don't run.
'Word on the street was that the countryside was the new city.
'Me and my two best friends were up for some well-deserved R&R.
' Excuse me, which way's the countryside? OK.
Thank you.
Let's go! What's the ground made of? It's, like, not pavement.
It's not push, Yumi.
Push! Like, you don't go anywhere if you push it.
Ow! Push! I don't understand.
How do we get in there? How were we in there before? I think I can fit through.
Yeah, squeeze through.
Push that back that way and pull that way.
No, you pull it.
You have to pull it to get out.
No, push! Ow, Yumi! You're squashing me! OK, right.
This isn't happening.
Hey, do you need any help? I've had a really nice time on your farm.
So, why don't you stay for dinner? Yes.
What were you thinking? I guess I feel like things have moved, like, so fast.
Like, I feel really close to you, but, like, I don't know anything about you.
What do you want to know? I don't know.
Like, what time do you wake up in the morning? Five o'clock.
I just feel so stupid.
Just, like, when you think you know someone.
"Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
" Alexander Pope, 1709.
Thank you.
Oh, shut up, Yumi! Like, what would you know? You're frigid! So what are you going to do? I don't know.
I just know that I can't stay here.
Like, I think he might be inbred or something.
Like, his eye sometimes goes like that a little bit.
And is it just me, or does it seriously stink of shit around here? 'Next week, on Young Dreams 'I'm paid a surprise visit by an old flame.
' Oh, my God! Piggy! 'Olivia finally gets her eyebrows waxed.
' Trust me, Olivia.
That looks so much better.
'And Yumi joins an electropop band.
' Fuck you! Thank you.
I could get into that.
OK, she's with the delivery guy.
Come on, buddy.
She's signed the package.
Now, move on.
OK, he's leaving.
Now's our chance.
We need to be fast.
Now, I'm going to be with you every step of the way using the bluetooth.
I'll feed you the lines, you just repeat everything I say.
Capisce? Yeah, yeah.
Capisce.
Shit's about to get real! OK, now let's go for a dry run.
Sally, you're looking good 'and you rock my world.
' Sally, you're looking good and you rock my world.
'Janice, you never fail to amaze.
' Janice, you never fail to amaze.
'Beautiful!' OK, I'm approaching target.
'Right, let's go in for the kill.
' Start with something simple.
"Hey, how you doing?" Hey, how you doing? Good, thanks.
Ah, so you must be the new office pussy I've heard so much about? Mind if I give you a stroke? Yeah, you like that, don't you? I can tell you like tuna.
I can smell it on your breath.
Has anyone ever told you you have sad eyes? You've never really been loved, have you? That's all about to change.
Maybe put a little collar on you, and then get you a lovely cardboard box, and stick it in the corner of my kitchen, so you can shit in it all day long.
Now, how does that sound? How does that sound? OK, guys, so you've had your ten minutes.
You've had time to think about your band.
So let's start with you guys.
How did you get on, did you come up with a name for your band? A Leather Jacket.
OK, cool.
And, and what kind of music do A Leather Jacket play? Nickelback.
Nickelback? OK and how about you guys, how did you get on? Did you come up with a name for your band? And what's the band called? Gary Hall? OK.
That's my name.
So you've decided to call your band my name? OK, and what kind of music do Gary Hall play? A Leather Jacket.
A Leather Jacket? Shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh.
So you're a Leather Jacket tribute act? OK.
So you're A Leather Jacket and you play Nickelback music and you're Gary Hall, which is my name, and you play A Leather Jacket music who are a Nickelback tribute band.
OK, guys, let's take a break and then when you come back we can all get to try some of this.
My name is Banksy and I'm a street artist.
Today, we're up at silly o'clock as the plan is to head off and do one of my street pictures.
I say "we" as I'm taking my stepson Daniel along to show him a little bit about what it is that I do.
Would you like to come with Daddy to do one of his street pictures? Oh, piss off.
OK, I'll leave your tea here.
Here he comes.
Ooh, look at the face on him.
Come on, Robin, hop in the Batmobile.
Would you like to do a pee-pee before we set off? No? OK.
Shall we get you a Macky D's on the way? You like Macky D's.
Yeah, all right then.
Yeah? OK.
I've finally won you over with Macky D's.
Erm, stencils.
Oh, yes It's 5:30am, and the reason we're in Hadley Wood Industrial Estate is because this wall overlooks the A12, where you've got thousands and thousands of commuters passing through every day.
All right, Daniel, do you want to hold the ladder? I've decided to do one of my rats.
Hopefully I'll get loads of exposure.
Here we go.
Give it a good shake, like this, you see? It's so easy, Daniel, do you see? OK, so I've done the body.
Do you want to do the rat's head and the brolly? There you go.
And hold it about 15 centi No, further back, about 15 centimetres away from the head, Daniel.
That's it, that's lovely.
Can you tell me what the political message is? Rat race? That's right.
And that's cos I feel that, in today's society, we're all living in a bit of a rat race.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Shit! That was too close for comfort.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
I just saw the sirens and my instincts just went, and I just bolted out of there.
Jill is going to go 'nanas! She does not look happy.
'I feel dreadful.
' But Daniel is under 18, and he'll probably get away with a slap on the wrist and a and a warning.
At the end of the day, I'm the one who has to pay the bills and put a roof over our head.
Oh, Jill, Jill Oh Looks like it's another night in the Focus for me.
Yo, what's up? My names is Switch.
I'm a spoken-word poet and this one's called Injustice.
Check it.
Uh! If you go away for two weeks Why can't I use your bed? Mum and Dad, you ain't even using it You've got your Maldives hotel bed instead I need to sleep in there You've got an all-regions DVD player And mine is so shit I bought a DVD from America And I can't even watch it.
I won't smoke herb or have sex in there and if I do, I'll clean it up To be fair You chose the bedrooms Before I was born I am forlorn.
Is that how you choose to treat your spawn? You want me to feed cats And water plants.
But all I get is £20 in advance? That's less than minimum wage I ain't no slave.
You people taking me down to an early grave.
And what's this bullshit about Gran coming to check up on me? Feisty.
All right, Terry? Phil.
What's with the earring? Oh, what, this? Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
No, I've been doing some extra work on that stupid Pirates Of The Caribbean movie.
Oh, right.
They've made a few of them now, ain't they? Oh, yeah, they're dragging it right out.
Yeah.
So are you doing anything good? No, not really, no.
I was up in the rigging going "ooh, arr, ooh, arr" an' all that.
And I was happy doing that.
Yeah.
The director came over and he goes "I love what you're doing.
" He goes, "I want to create a part for you.
" Just like that.
That's all right, ain't it? Yeah, it's all right.
So what food they give ya, then? You got a choice.
You've got burger 'n' chips or pizza 'n' salad.
Can you get chicken? No.
I bet old Johnny whats-his-name can have chicken.
Oh, don't even get me started about Johnny Depp! He's a nightmare, right.
Right.
He's up at the catering table, he's looking at everyone's plate, seeing who's had what, making sure they're finishing everything.
What's it matter to him? That's what I said to him! I said, "Listen, Johnny, why don't you just enjoy your dinner "and stop bothering everyone else?" Yeah.
He goes, "I'm in character.
That's what Jack Sparrow would do.
" Bollocks! That's what the catering lady said.
She goes, "He's like that on every movie!" No! He's always by the tea trolley, just eyeballing everybody.
So what was your scene, then? Oh, some crap about a locket or something, that was magic or whatever.
I wouldn't have minded, but it was another scene with Johnny Depp.
Was that not a bit awkward after your run-in with him at break time? What do you think, Terry? Of course it was awkward.
It was very awkward, actually.
He takes it all very, very seriously, you know.
But the thing is, he kept putting me off, cos he's always got one eye on the catering tables.
Yeah.
Did you have a sword fight at all? Like, what did you have to do? Oh, we had a little bit of scuffle yeah, yeah.
Basically we had to fight a sea monster.
Oh! But the director said, "No, we're going to do it all in CGI.
" Right.
So they showed me a drawing of actually what the sea monster would look like.
Yeah.
But in reality we just had to fight a bloke with a fucking quilt over his head.
That's how they do it.
It's all computers and that.
Exactly how they do it.
Absolutely.
Anyway, poor bloke, he's getting a right pasting, Johnny Depp fucking leathering him.
He wouldn't hold back, even after the director said "cut", they had to pull him away, he's going nuts, he was screaming at him, he was punching him and kicking him.
He started laughing 'n' all that.
And afterwards he goes, "I was just in character.
" Bollocks! It was bollocks, exactly.
Are you going to stay in touch with old Johnny Depp? No, no, I don't think I will.
I mean, I got a text from him this morning.
Yeah? A group text, or something, about a multipack of crisps that had gone missing, he was doing his nut, I didn't even dignify it with a response.
Best not to Phil, you know, don't get involved.
Nah, look - until he sorts out his issues I don't want to work with him.
No.
Anyway you can't only have a choice of pizza and burger every day for lunch, you'd go mad.
And they say the movies are glamorous.
Give me a break, Terry! OK, Tanir, you're first up, step forward.
There's the TV.
OK, imagine you're in a hotel room.
You're high on drugs.
Step up and throw the TV out the window.
That's it.
Brilliant.
OK, get back to the back of the queue.
Here you go, Guy.
Up you go.
High on drugs, that's great.
Well done, Guy.
Steve, let me OK.
Take your time, there's no hurry.
Brilliant, Steve.
That's great.
Well done.
OK, that's it, that's really nice.
Just throw it out.
Great, back to the back of the queue.
Steve, you've had a go, just go to the back.
Guys, no pushing in, please.
Imagine you're in a hotel, you're high on drugs.
That's really good.
Rock and roll, Mark! Up you come, that's really good, go for it.
You don't want to do it? OK, that's fine.
Guys if you don't want to do it, you don't have to.
If you're scared or anything like that.
No, Rod, you need to take the TV, take the TV up.
Steve! Steve! That's really good.
Oh, nice jacket! Yeah.
Check it out.
It's a beer.
Oh! Morning, Charlie.
Got a moment to give me a hand? James, I'll have to stop you right there, mate.
I've got a nine o'clock flirt scheduled with Claire.
Can we pick this up after, yeah? You're not Claire.
No, I'm Anne.
I'm covering for Claire while she's on holiday.
Hey.
How was your nine o'clock with Claire? Not good.
Claire's not there.
It's some new receptionist.
Let me check this fishie out.
Oh, yeah! So what's the problem? Why don't you just flirt with her instead? I can't just rock up and start flirting with her willy-nilly! I've built up a rapport with the others.
It's like with Susan.
Flirting with her is like wearing a comfy pair of old socks.
Isn't that right, Susan? Yes, Charlie.
Well, Charlie, you need to get back on the horse.
But to get back on the horse, first, you need to talk to the horse.
Now, repeat after me.
You're the best, you're the best, you're the best, you're the best.
You're the best.
You're the best.
You're the best.
You're the best You're the best.
You're the best Now, drink that.
What is it? Cherryade.
No, still not Claire.
That's a funny story! Really? It wasn't actually meant to be a funny story.
Really? It's brilliant.
Mm.
So what happened in head office? Well, basically, last week, I did quite a lot of overtime.
Yeah? Well, I did ten hours.
But they only had me down as doing eight.
Really? Yeah? Why? Well, there was obviously a mix-up.
Go on.
So I went to head office to go and speak to Sue.
Yeah? Oh, Sue Johnston? Yeah.
Oh, brilliant! She's the funniest person here after you.
Really? Yeah.
I actually find her pretty boring.
Brilliant, great value.
Er, so anyway, we're going through the rota and we realise there'd been a mistake.
And what had And what had happened was last week, I swapped quite a lot of shifts with Shaddiq.
Shaddiq? Yeah.
Oh, dear! Why? Er, well, because I had a family function.
Family function? Yeah.
Oh, shit! Basically, the problem is, because we're both on emergency tax Yes! They put our payslips into each other's pigeon hole.
Oh, shame you couldn't write that.
We should probably head in, I think.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I love working with you.
Hey, when we get back, will you tell me that one about, you know, when you swapped phone tariffs? What, from O2 to Orange? That one? Seb! Well, let me introduce myself.
My name is Gary Hall.
And I'm going to be teaching you over the next two days how to become a rock star.
OK? And one of the ways of getting to know you all, which I think is really useful, is finding out who your favourite bands are.
Which band or bands do you love? Bands that you get excited about, OK? Start calling out some bands.
Any bands? OK, well, I'll get the ball rolling.
One of my favourite bands are a band called Nickelback.
OK? So I'll write Nickelback down.
Nickel back.
They are one of my favourite bands.
Who are one of your favourite bands? Toploader.
Toploader, OK.
Great, they're a good band.
And they had a hit with the song? Dancing In The Moonlight.
That's Toploader.
OK.
Any more bands? Just start calling out bands.
Let's get a whole list going.
Any band from the last 60 years.
It doesn't have to be your favourite.
Start naming some bands.
Steve, which band do you love, which band gets you really excited? Toploader.
No, nothing from the board.
OK, all right.
Er Sopranos.
The Sopranos? Er, no.
That's a TV show.
OK, that's fine.
Let's move on to another exercise.
What I'd like you to look at is this.
Now, let's say this is the live venue.
Now, Steve, do you want to stand up a second? Come on, jump on up.
Mark with a cross where the lead singer would go.
There's your audience and there's your stage.
Where do you think the lead singer would go? OK, no, that's not in the venue.
So, in the venue.
That's your audience.
There's the stage.
That's No, that's your audience.
Look So let's say that's the drummer, OK? And there's your lead guitarist.
And there's your bass guitarist and there's your microphone in which the lead singer would sing into.
OK? Where do you think the lead singer would go to, Steve? OK, maybe have a sit down.
OK, would anyone else like to come up and show me where they think the lead singer would go? Anyone else? Anyone at all? Caroline? Quantum Of Solace.
Quantum Of Solace? No.
OK, all right.
Let's take a break, five minutes, and then you'll get to try on a pair of leather trousers.
OK? Don't run.
'Word on the street was that the countryside was the new city.
'Me and my two best friends were up for some well-deserved R&R.
' Excuse me, which way's the countryside? OK.
Thank you.
Let's go! What's the ground made of? It's, like, not pavement.
It's not push, Yumi.
Push! Like, you don't go anywhere if you push it.
Ow! Push! I don't understand.
How do we get in there? How were we in there before? I think I can fit through.
Yeah, squeeze through.
Push that back that way and pull that way.
No, you pull it.
You have to pull it to get out.
No, push! Ow, Yumi! You're squashing me! OK, right.
This isn't happening.
Hey, do you need any help? I've had a really nice time on your farm.
So, why don't you stay for dinner? Yes.
What were you thinking? I guess I feel like things have moved, like, so fast.
Like, I feel really close to you, but, like, I don't know anything about you.
What do you want to know? I don't know.
Like, what time do you wake up in the morning? Five o'clock.
I just feel so stupid.
Just, like, when you think you know someone.
"Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
" Alexander Pope, 1709.
Thank you.
Oh, shut up, Yumi! Like, what would you know? You're frigid! So what are you going to do? I don't know.
I just know that I can't stay here.
Like, I think he might be inbred or something.
Like, his eye sometimes goes like that a little bit.
And is it just me, or does it seriously stink of shit around here? 'Next week, on Young Dreams 'I'm paid a surprise visit by an old flame.
' Oh, my God! Piggy! 'Olivia finally gets her eyebrows waxed.
' Trust me, Olivia.
That looks so much better.
'And Yumi joins an electropop band.
' Fuck you! Thank you.
I could get into that.
OK, she's with the delivery guy.
Come on, buddy.
She's signed the package.
Now, move on.
OK, he's leaving.
Now's our chance.
We need to be fast.
Now, I'm going to be with you every step of the way using the bluetooth.
I'll feed you the lines, you just repeat everything I say.
Capisce? Yeah, yeah.
Capisce.
Shit's about to get real! OK, now let's go for a dry run.
Sally, you're looking good 'and you rock my world.
' Sally, you're looking good and you rock my world.
'Janice, you never fail to amaze.
' Janice, you never fail to amaze.
'Beautiful!' OK, I'm approaching target.
'Right, let's go in for the kill.
' Start with something simple.
"Hey, how you doing?" Hey, how you doing? Good, thanks.
Ah, so you must be the new office pussy I've heard so much about? Mind if I give you a stroke? Yeah, you like that, don't you? I can tell you like tuna.
I can smell it on your breath.
Has anyone ever told you you have sad eyes? You've never really been loved, have you? That's all about to change.
Maybe put a little collar on you, and then get you a lovely cardboard box, and stick it in the corner of my kitchen, so you can shit in it all day long.
Now, how does that sound? How does that sound? OK, guys, so you've had your ten minutes.
You've had time to think about your band.
So let's start with you guys.
How did you get on, did you come up with a name for your band? A Leather Jacket.
OK, cool.
And, and what kind of music do A Leather Jacket play? Nickelback.
Nickelback? OK and how about you guys, how did you get on? Did you come up with a name for your band? And what's the band called? Gary Hall? OK.
That's my name.
So you've decided to call your band my name? OK, and what kind of music do Gary Hall play? A Leather Jacket.
A Leather Jacket? Shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh.
So you're a Leather Jacket tribute act? OK.
So you're A Leather Jacket and you play Nickelback music and you're Gary Hall, which is my name, and you play A Leather Jacket music who are a Nickelback tribute band.
OK, guys, let's take a break and then when you come back we can all get to try some of this.
My name is Banksy and I'm a street artist.
Today, we're up at silly o'clock as the plan is to head off and do one of my street pictures.
I say "we" as I'm taking my stepson Daniel along to show him a little bit about what it is that I do.
Would you like to come with Daddy to do one of his street pictures? Oh, piss off.
OK, I'll leave your tea here.
Here he comes.
Ooh, look at the face on him.
Come on, Robin, hop in the Batmobile.
Would you like to do a pee-pee before we set off? No? OK.
Shall we get you a Macky D's on the way? You like Macky D's.
Yeah, all right then.
Yeah? OK.
I've finally won you over with Macky D's.
Erm, stencils.
Oh, yes It's 5:30am, and the reason we're in Hadley Wood Industrial Estate is because this wall overlooks the A12, where you've got thousands and thousands of commuters passing through every day.
All right, Daniel, do you want to hold the ladder? I've decided to do one of my rats.
Hopefully I'll get loads of exposure.
Here we go.
Give it a good shake, like this, you see? It's so easy, Daniel, do you see? OK, so I've done the body.
Do you want to do the rat's head and the brolly? There you go.
And hold it about 15 centi No, further back, about 15 centimetres away from the head, Daniel.
That's it, that's lovely.
Can you tell me what the political message is? Rat race? That's right.
And that's cos I feel that, in today's society, we're all living in a bit of a rat race.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Shit! That was too close for comfort.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
I just saw the sirens and my instincts just went, and I just bolted out of there.
Jill is going to go 'nanas! She does not look happy.
'I feel dreadful.
' But Daniel is under 18, and he'll probably get away with a slap on the wrist and a and a warning.
At the end of the day, I'm the one who has to pay the bills and put a roof over our head.
Oh, Jill, Jill Oh Looks like it's another night in the Focus for me.
Yo, what's up? My names is Switch.
I'm a spoken-word poet and this one's called Injustice.
Check it.
Uh! If you go away for two weeks Why can't I use your bed? Mum and Dad, you ain't even using it You've got your Maldives hotel bed instead I need to sleep in there You've got an all-regions DVD player And mine is so shit I bought a DVD from America And I can't even watch it.
I won't smoke herb or have sex in there and if I do, I'll clean it up To be fair You chose the bedrooms Before I was born I am forlorn.
Is that how you choose to treat your spawn? You want me to feed cats And water plants.
But all I get is £20 in advance? That's less than minimum wage I ain't no slave.
You people taking me down to an early grave.
And what's this bullshit about Gran coming to check up on me? Feisty.
All right, Terry? Phil.
What's with the earring? Oh, what, this? Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
No, I've been doing some extra work on that stupid Pirates Of The Caribbean movie.
Oh, right.
They've made a few of them now, ain't they? Oh, yeah, they're dragging it right out.
Yeah.
So are you doing anything good? No, not really, no.
I was up in the rigging going "ooh, arr, ooh, arr" an' all that.
And I was happy doing that.
Yeah.
The director came over and he goes "I love what you're doing.
" He goes, "I want to create a part for you.
" Just like that.
That's all right, ain't it? Yeah, it's all right.
So what food they give ya, then? You got a choice.
You've got burger 'n' chips or pizza 'n' salad.
Can you get chicken? No.
I bet old Johnny whats-his-name can have chicken.
Oh, don't even get me started about Johnny Depp! He's a nightmare, right.
Right.
He's up at the catering table, he's looking at everyone's plate, seeing who's had what, making sure they're finishing everything.
What's it matter to him? That's what I said to him! I said, "Listen, Johnny, why don't you just enjoy your dinner "and stop bothering everyone else?" Yeah.
He goes, "I'm in character.
That's what Jack Sparrow would do.
" Bollocks! That's what the catering lady said.
She goes, "He's like that on every movie!" No! He's always by the tea trolley, just eyeballing everybody.
So what was your scene, then? Oh, some crap about a locket or something, that was magic or whatever.
I wouldn't have minded, but it was another scene with Johnny Depp.
Was that not a bit awkward after your run-in with him at break time? What do you think, Terry? Of course it was awkward.
It was very awkward, actually.
He takes it all very, very seriously, you know.
But the thing is, he kept putting me off, cos he's always got one eye on the catering tables.
Yeah.
Did you have a sword fight at all? Like, what did you have to do? Oh, we had a little bit of scuffle yeah, yeah.
Basically we had to fight a sea monster.
Oh! But the director said, "No, we're going to do it all in CGI.
" Right.
So they showed me a drawing of actually what the sea monster would look like.
Yeah.
But in reality we just had to fight a bloke with a fucking quilt over his head.
That's how they do it.
It's all computers and that.
Exactly how they do it.
Absolutely.
Anyway, poor bloke, he's getting a right pasting, Johnny Depp fucking leathering him.
He wouldn't hold back, even after the director said "cut", they had to pull him away, he's going nuts, he was screaming at him, he was punching him and kicking him.
He started laughing 'n' all that.
And afterwards he goes, "I was just in character.
" Bollocks! It was bollocks, exactly.
Are you going to stay in touch with old Johnny Depp? No, no, I don't think I will.
I mean, I got a text from him this morning.
Yeah? A group text, or something, about a multipack of crisps that had gone missing, he was doing his nut, I didn't even dignify it with a response.
Best not to Phil, you know, don't get involved.
Nah, look - until he sorts out his issues I don't want to work with him.
No.
Anyway you can't only have a choice of pizza and burger every day for lunch, you'd go mad.
And they say the movies are glamorous.
Give me a break, Terry! OK, Tanir, you're first up, step forward.
There's the TV.
OK, imagine you're in a hotel room.
You're high on drugs.
Step up and throw the TV out the window.
That's it.
Brilliant.
OK, get back to the back of the queue.
Here you go, Guy.
Up you go.
High on drugs, that's great.
Well done, Guy.
Steve, let me OK.
Take your time, there's no hurry.
Brilliant, Steve.
That's great.
Well done.
OK, that's it, that's really nice.
Just throw it out.
Great, back to the back of the queue.
Steve, you've had a go, just go to the back.
Guys, no pushing in, please.
Imagine you're in a hotel, you're high on drugs.
That's really good.
Rock and roll, Mark! Up you come, that's really good, go for it.
You don't want to do it? OK, that's fine.
Guys if you don't want to do it, you don't have to.
If you're scared or anything like that.
No, Rod, you need to take the TV, take the TV up.
Steve! Steve! That's really good.