Catch-22 (2019) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
1 [THE ANDREWS SISTERS' "ANY BONDS TODAY".]
Any bonds today The bonds of freedom that's what I'm selling Any bonds today Scrape up the most you can Here comes the freedom man Asking you to buy a share of freedom today Any stamps today - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- We'll be blessed if we all invest In the U.
S.
A.
Here comes the freedom man Can't make tomorrow's plan Not unless you buy a share of freedom - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- MAN: Whoo! [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
The tall man with the high hat And the whiskers on his chin Will soon be knocking at your door [HORN HONKING.]
Who's Major Major? Well, we need you for the group leaders meeting.
We're allocating the Requisitions Budget for next quarter.
Let's go.
Uh, I I'm sorry, and my part in that is? All members of Senior Command are automatically part of the Group Leaders' Allocation and Requisition Procedural Advisory Board.
GLARPAB.
GLARPAB? For God's sakes, we're late for the meeting.
Oh, with all due respect, sir, I'm a sergeant.
- You're a sergeant? - MAJOR: Yes, sir.
I'm only a sergeant.
- But you're Major Major.
- Yes, sir.
That's my name, sir.
Uh [LAUGHS.]
I've been through this with the fellas, sir.
Uh, it's my birth name.
It's a funny story.
Um, but now may not be the time.
So, yes, in short, I'm Sergeant Major Major.
Major Major is my name.
Sergeant is my rank.
He's already on the calendar sheets right up to September.
List Good Christ, that means he's also in the Yes, sir.
He's already down for Wednesday's subcommittee briefings, yes.
CATHCART: Sergeant.
Major Sergeant Whatever your goddamn name is, you're not making a whiff of sense to me.
MAJOR: Sir, uh, like I told the fellas, well, uh, my father was something of a practical joker.
He named me Major Major.
First name Major, middle name Major, behind my mother's back, uh, on the birth certificate.
Uh, and my surname's Major, too, as you already know.
Well, that is a hell of a practical joke, isn't it, son? He was a piece of work, sir.
What are we gonna do? We can't have a goddamn sergeant in GLARPAB.
That's correct, sir.
It's for Senior Command only.
Unless, sir, you promote him.
CATHCART: Sergeant Major, step forward.
Sergeant Major, congratulations.
I'm herby promoting you to Major.
Congratulations.
Get in.
- MAJOR: But, no, sir sir, I - CATHCART: You're a good man.
You've earned it.
You've worked hard.
Yes, sir.
Um, d-does that mean, uh what will my duties be any different? Will his duties be any different, Colonel Korn? - Of course, sir.
He's a major, sir.
- Of course, they are, you're a major.
We don't just hand out promotions willy-nilly.
You'll act like a major, you'll perform the duties of a major, God damn it.
Yes, sir.
And And those are? Major Major, congratulations.
You're a major.
Give him the goddamn thing.
These are the minutes from last Allocations and Requisitions meeting and the agenda for today.
Uh [CAR ENGINE REVVING.]
CATHCART: Don't just stand there! Get in the goddamn jeep.
[JOHNNY HODGES' "THINGS AIN'T WHAT THEY USED TO BE".]
Mary, and Joseph.
Hey, fellas! Okay.
These go inside.
You carry two at a time.
Like this.
Carry, carry.
Rapido, rapido! Good lads.
Bueno, bueno.
SCHULZ: What's going on? Oh, you like watermelons? What is this? - They didn't tell you? - Tell me what? Oh, I am so sorry about that.
I'm the mess officer now.
SCHULZ: [CHUCKLES.]
What are you talking about? MILO: Uh, I am the mess officer now.
And, uh, you're not.
- But this is what I do.
- MILO: I know.
I tried to tell them that myself, it's ridiculous.
What the hell do I know about running a kitchen? No, no.
Those go in the pantry.
[JOHNNY HODGES' "THINGS AIN'T WHAT THEY USED TO BE".]
At 0930, sir, Major Predegast from the Car Relative Operations Southern Division Committee will be here to speak to you about the combined groups' requisition outreach.
At 1000, that'll be Colonel Lestridge.
Okay, 1100, a Milo Minderbinder has asked to see you.
He's the mess officer.
He wants to talk to you about an unusual new variety of truffles, sir.
Apparently they're worth a lot of money.
Okay.
What would you say if I told you I don't want to see those people? Which people in particular, sir? All of them.
Any of them.
SERGEANT: Well, sir, my job is to schedule your day as you request.
Okay, uh, from now on, I would much prefer if no one came in to see me while I'm here.
Yes.
Does that include me, sir? MAJOR: Yes, that includes you, sergeant.
Of course, sir.
That's no one ever.
SERGEANT: I see, sir.
Very good, sir.
Will that be all, sir? Yes.
[LAUGHING.]
Uh, yes, yes.
That will be all.
[CHUCKLES.]
What shall I say to the people who do come to see you while you're here? MAJOR: Tell them, uh tell them I'm in and ask them to wait.
Yes, sir.
For how long? Until I've left.
SERGEANT: What shall I do with them then, sir? Uh, you know what? I don't care.
SERGEANT: May I send them in to see you after you've left? Yes.
Yes, you may.
You may indeed.
- But you won't be here then, will you? - MAJOR: Yes, that's correct.
Well, sir, just to clarify, when should I come here to find out if there's anything you want me to do for you? When I'm not here.
SERGEANT: Yes, and what should I do? Uh, whatever I tell you to.
SERGEANT: But you won't be here to tell me.
No.
SERGEANT: Then what should I do? Whatever has to be done.
Cross that bridge when we come to it.
Yes, sir.
MAJOR: Good.
Well, dismissed, then.
[DOOR CLICKS SHUT.]
CHAPLAIN: The Lord is my shepherd.
I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.
He leadeth me beside still waters.
He restoreth my soul.
He leadeth me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.
Look, enough with all the death stuff, huh? What do you say we send the boys out feeling good? Don't you have something a little bit more, I dunno, goddamn sunnier? Sunnier.
May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
The sun shine warm upon your face.
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand.
[LOUD BOOMING.]
MAN: Closing in on target.
30 seconds to run.
[PLANE ENGINES RUMBLING.]
Crew, you still fucking alive back there? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
MAN: Yossarian, you on a steady heading? We're approaching.
YOSSARIAN: Steady.
[MOTORS RUNNING.]
Bombs away.
Okay, over to you, McWatt.
get us out of here.
[BOOMING.]
[TIRES SQUEALING.]
CATHCART: We have pounded the bastards into submission and we have taken Rome.
Congratulations, gentlemen.
St.
Lawrence Basilica, rubble.
This one, good job.
This, bravo.
Bravo, gentlemen.
What is this? The hell is this? What in the goddamn hell is this? That looks like a goddamn tourist postcard! Hands up, bombardiers.
Well, there you have it.
A group of idiots trying to singlehandedly lose this fucking war for us.
Next time why don't we just drop leaflets? Guten Tag, my German friends.
You just have a fine old fucking day, why don't you? What are we trying to be? What have I told you that we are trying to be? Comprehensive.
Blanket coverage.
Flush the enemy out.
How many times have I told you? How many times That's the Vatican, sir.
All right, then.
That's Vatican City.
And as we all know, that is neutral territory, so good job.
That is precision bombing, gentlemen.
You gotta respect that neutral territory.
Terrific job.
Gotta love those Catholics, huh? And the Jews.
Major de Coverley.
Major de Coverley will be heading to Rome to spearhead his Advance Reconnaissance Residential Plan.
And, as usual, securing accommodations for the officers in the performing of their administrative duties.
As well as their weekend leave, of course.
Major de Coverley, we look forward as always to your splendid accommodations.
That's if I can find any still standing in there.
[LAUGHTER.]
I'm sure you will.
Gosh, I'm proud of you, gentlemen.
I'm very proud indeed.
So what do you say we speed this thing up, hmm? Are you with me? All right, then.
Let's get this thing over and done with.
Let's put the hurt on Jerry.
Let's pitch in.
Let's raise the mission count to 35.
35 it is, gentlemen.
We're gonna win this thing.
We're gonna win this fucking thing.
35 it is.
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
- You can't go in there, sir.
- Yes, I can.
He's my point guard.
He's raising the missions again.
He's raising the goddamn missions again.
MAJOR: He's awfully keen.
No, he's not keen.
He's crazy! - I have no power.
- YOSSARIAN: Yes, you do.
You have the power to stand men down.
- MAJOR: On what basis? - Find a basis.
Good God, there are basises everywhere.
Yossarian, I don't even want to be here.
I'm two missions away.
And, bang, 35, just like that.
And just like that, I'm 7 away.
That's terrible.
Yossarian, that's simply terrible.
I'm afraid.
MAJOR: That that's nothing to be ashamed of.
I'm not ashamed.
I'm afraid.
So what are we gonna do? I don't know.
I-I don't even know what powers I have.
Well, somebody must know.
It must be written down somewhere.
Yeah? Probably in here somewhere.
YOSSARIAN: What the hell is that? MAJOR: It's the Group Leaders Operations Manual.
Perhaps I should read it.
Jesus Christ.
Okay.
You read this.
You figure out what your powers are.
And you can find me when you know how they can be used to help me, hmm? - Mm.
- Hmm.
I'll be in the hospital.
Thank you, Major.
I mean, thank you, sir.
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
Hello.
How are you? Hi.
Hi.
How are you? Hello.
What's going on here? I just need a few days, maximum.
- A few days for what? - For my situation.
My situation's complicated.
I have a major working on it right now.
He's having to sort through some very technical details.
Documents.
Debts.
What's that got to do with you being in here? YOSSARIAN: Well, if it helps your situation at all, I really am feeling a little unwell.
My situation? Look, I'll be quiet as a mouse.
If you need a bed, I'm out of here in two minutes and you'll barely even know that I'm here.
Please? [TOMMY DORSEY'S "THEN I'LL BE HAPPY".]
TEXAN: Remember the Alamo? You're goddamn right I do.
We didn't take no handouts.
We took Texas by hook or by crook one county at a time.
That's my grandpappy I'm talking about there, boy.
His grandpappy 'fore him.
Soil Conservation Society thinks they can tell us how to farm our own land.
Well, we've been doing that for 120 years, thank you very much.
You're very welcome indeed, sir.
I grew up on a 900-acre spread out near Sonora.
It's all horizon out there, boy.
Horizon, every direction.
[CHUCKLES.]
This one time, me and my pappy, we was leading 1,000 head through a dry gulch, and we heard this noise.
What on earth could that be? Sounds a little like thunder.
Only it keeps rumbling.
And it ain't no thunder.
Turns out it'd been raining up near Christoval.
Whoo-hoo, them gulches ain't seen water in 100 years.
And I'm yelling, "Pappy, you hearing this?" Suddenly, there's a longhorn about 100 yards up.
He's met with a wall of water.
[MIMICS WATER RUSHING.]
You could feel it hit him.
Turned him flankside like a linebacker.
And the wave is acting like a cow catcher on the front of a train just collecting all them steers.
[MIMICS WATER RUSHING.]
And it's coming for us.
Just a whole tumble fuck of [IL VOLO'S "O SOLE MIO".]
Che bella cosa Na jurnata 'e sole N'aria serena Doppo na tempesta Pe' ll'aria fresca Pare gia' na festa Che bella cosa Na jurnata 'e sole - Buongiorno.
- Buongiorno.
Un caffè, per favore.
E un - Ah, glass of water.
- Si, signore.
Uh, the, um the building the, um What do you call it? Uh Edificio.
Who Chi owns the building? The Scusi? Uh, the proprietario of the edificio.
Un secondo.
Giuseppe.
L'americano vuole sapere chi è proprietario del Proprietario.
That's it, that's it.
Dammi una mano.
Non so cosa consegui.
May I help you, sir? Ah.
English.
I want to know who owns that building 'cause I need to requisition it on behalf of the fighting men of the United States of America.
TEXAN: People of means, decent folk, they deserve more votes than drifters and whores criminals.
Degenerates, atheists.
They're indecent folk.
You know, people without means.
You know what I'm saying? Way I see it, there's only two types of people in this world.
People of means and people without means.
You gotta get me a private room.
I'm losing my mind.
This has become a mental health issue now.
What about that oath that you take about not doing me any harm? - The Hippocratic oath? - YOSSARIAN: That's the one.
That's just for doctors.
YOSSARIAN: Oh, come on.
What do you say? A little peace and quiet would be tremendously beneficial to me.
Don't push it.
- Lift your tongue.
- TEXAN: One man, one vote's poppycock.
But one man ain't always equal to one other man.
That's just the way it is.
That's the law of nature, man.
Some folks, it's just it's claws and disembowelment from cradle to gra [PLANE ENGINES RUMBLING.]
[TIRES SQUEALING.]
KORN: Now, with one new runway this one you increase your overall flight capacity to 162 per day.
- CATHCART: Additional? - KORN: Correct, sir.
Now, a second runway, engineering-wise, it's a bigger job.
We have to extend out here past the spit.
But if we do that, you're gonna be able to siphon off some of the heavier cargo flights from runway one and that'll take you to 420 individual flights per week.
420? No one on the other bases come close to that.
I don't think so, sir, no.
This is a three-month flow chart analyzing the cost of the one runway option versus Well, forget the one runway option, Korn.
- Think big.
- KORN: Yes.
I thought so.
For God's sakes, if I had a nickel for every small thought of yours, I'd be the richest What on God's green Earth is that? MILO: It's only me, sir.
CATHCART: Who in the hell are you? I'm Milo Minderbinder, sir.
I'm the new mess officer.
You may have heard of me.
Do you realize these men have orders to shoot to kill? We come bearing tomatoes, sir.
You're gonna have to try this.
Wait, wait.
This is olive oil, sir.
The Italians use it for everything.
[CORK POPS.]
- My God.
- You get it? Korn, try one of these.
[GROANS.]
Good God.
[JOHNNY HODGES "THINGS AIN'T WHAT THEY USED TO BE".]
They're selling for $3 a bale in London! That's a 550% markup! 550? That's an interesting number.
You're saying that I'm buying tomatoes off of you in this scenario? Well, what I'm actually saying, sir, is that for you this time it's actually an infinity percent markup because because I'd like you to have these tomatoes, sir, to do with as you may! Well, that's very generous of you, but I couldn't possibly take all these tomato And then of course in the normal course of business, I could offer you future shipments at very attractive rates, almost at my cost, sir.
So you'd be dropping from infinity percent back to 500, 300, thereabouts, should you wish to participate.
Well, Milo participate? Participate.
Oh, Milo, commerce isn't exactly my bag.
- I've got a base to ru - Oh, you'd be a natural, sir.
I got a good eye for these things.
I am planning on building a couple runways out there to increase flight capacity, all that jazz - but I'm not - Well, increased flight capacity means increased profits for those with the vision to see.
- War is not about profit, son.
- Absolutely, sir.
Not only.
War is about the justs defeating the unjusts.
It is absolutely that, too, sir.
What about you, son? Are you enjoying your missions? I'm proud to be doing my bit, sir.
Yes, indeed.
Thank you for asking.
Good, good.
Good, good.
TEXAN: Are you a Bill Bevens man? Or are you a Ralph Branca man? Hmm? Well, let's look at this season.
Bill Bevens has got an ERA so far of 3.
68.
But his 1944 ERA was 2.
67.
See, you gotta ask yourself, what happened to Bill Bevens this year? Now, Ralph Branca, his ERA's around three, but you gotta remember kid's 19, right? He's just gonna keep getting better.
And Bill Bevens, he's 28.
That elbow's getting tired.
So you're the Yankee's GM.
What are you gonna do? How often you gonna relieve him? Well, who do you got? You got Tiny Bonham, you got Spud Chandler He can't fucking hear you! We don't even know if he's alive in there! - I can hear you.
- I know you can, buddy.
Do we all have to listen to your bullshit? - TEXAN: What's your fucking problem? - You! You're my fucking problem! - Me? What did I do? - You won't shut up! I can't even hear myself think! This is a fucking hospital! TEXAN: Yeah, it's a fucking hospital.
It's not a fucking library! I'm helping this fuck, man.
He's trapped in there.
- Where's your humanity? - Oh, you're bringing him out of his shell, are you? - Come on, guys.
- Stay out of it, buddy.
YOSSARIAN: I just want some peace and quiet.
We all do.
We're all just trying to fucking convalesce here.
Oh, okay, you've been elected ward spokesman now, is that right, numb nuts? [CLATTERING.]
- You want a piece of me? - Not really.
- Well, you're gonna get one.
- Okay, then.
- Okay, then.
- Great.
Great.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[CLATTERING.]
[SHOUTING.]
Hey, hey! What is going on here? Hey! Knock it off! YOSSARIAN: Ah, I'll kill you! That's it, Yossarian.
You're out of here! What? MAN: Son of a bitch! Let's go! MAN: Yo-Yo, come on, are we close yet? MAN: Okay, where we at? MAN: Clear, 053.
Holding at 3,200.
MAN: You got fire.
Are you okay? MAN: Yo-Yo, we almost there? MAN: We're holding.
MAN: Open them up! Open them up! Fucking Christ.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Jeez! Ooh, fuck! Ooh, fuck! MAN: Yeah, we're coming up on it now.
All right, just hold steady right there.
MAN: We're over it now.
We gotta drop.
Let's go.
Open them up.
Coming up on your left, Yossarian.
Are you holding steady? MAN: We're sitting right on top of them, Yo-Yo! Yo-Yo! Drop them, Yo-Yo! YOSSARIAN: And release.
[PLANE ENGINES ROARING.]
[BOOMING.]
[MOTORCYCLE PUTTERING.]
MAN: Now I push.
- MAN: Okay.
- Forget it.
Fold, I'm out.
- MAN: What? - MAN: It's fine.
You would've thought I would've been more of a problem.
[ALL SHOUTING.]
- MAN: Come on.
- MAN: Not fair! MAN: Come on.
Very nice.
Very clean.
Bellissimo.
Leave her alone, Aarfy.
AARFY: I'm just saying, she's very clean.
What's your name, honey? Uh, what is it? Qual è il tuo Um Qual è il tuo nome? Mi chiamo Michaela.
Michaela.
That's very nice.
Me and you should go for a walk sometime, Michaela.
MICHAELA: Scusi? AARFY: We should go for a walk sometime! You look like Bette Davis.
Oh, give it a rest, Aarfy.
She doesn't understand you.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Gentlemen.
No, no, sit down.
So, how are we? Enjoying our rest and recreation in the eternal city? SAMPSON: Oh, yes, sir.
We are, sir.
DE COVERLY: Oh, what's on the dance card for this evening? Uh, Nately lost his mind to a woman of the night.
[LAUGHTER.]
She's, like, the most real person that I've ever met, Yo-Yo.
NATELY: She tries to speak English.
She gets the words wrong and we laugh.
We just laugh a lot.
[REX STUART'S "MY SUNDAY GAL".]
Yeah, we talked all night.
How does that happen? You know, I've got this phrase book, but it's not like I'm looking at the phrase book every two seconds.
We just talk.
You know, it's some of her words.
It's some of my words.
We put them together, and somehow it all makes sense.
We cuddle.
We fuck, yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
It's crazy.
She's just, like, a real person.
MARCELLO: America will lose the war, my friend.
And Italy will win it.
America is the strongest and most prosperous nation on earth, and the American fighting man is second to none.
Why do you think we are here and the Germans are on the run? And Italy, on the other hand, is one of the least prosperous nations on Earth.
And the Italian fighting man is probably second to all.
And that's exactly why my country is doing so well in this war while your country is doing so poorly.
The Germans have been driven out now, as you so correctly observe.
In a few months, you will be gone too.
And we will still be here.
Oh, amen to that.
You see, Italy is really a very poor and weak country.
And that's what makes us so strong.
Italian soldiers are not dying anymore, but American and German soldiers are, no? I call that doing extremely well.
[LAUGHS.]
Italy will survive this war and still be in existence long after your own country has been destroyed.
America is not going to be destroyed.
I wish for your sake it were true.
For your beliefs.
Because America is a very great and noble idea.
You're too right.
It is.
Yeah, it's a wonderful idea.
But Rome was destroyed.
Greece was destroyed.
Persia was destroyed.
Spain was destroyed.
All great empires are destroyed.
Why not yours? We are gonna survive and triumph for a long, long time.
[CHUCKLES.]
You put so much stock in winning.
But listen, the real trick is losing wars.
Uh, in knowing which wars can be lost.
[LAUGHING.]
You talk like a madman.
But I live like a sane one.
I was a fascist when Mussolini was on top, and I am an anti-fascist now he has been deposed.
I was fanatically pro-German when the Germans were here to protect us against the Americans.
And now the Americans are here to protect us against the Germans, I'm fanatical pro-American.
I assure you that you and your country will have no more loyal partisan in Italy than me.
But only for as long as you remain.
Don't you have any principles? Oh, of course not.
CLEVINGER: No morality? Oh, no.
I'm a very, very moral man.
And you have good taste in brandy.
One does one's best.
CLARA: Marcello.
Yo-Yo, You gotta convince her to stay with me.
Just tell him to tell her that I'm good for it.
Or Or Or lend me some money.
How you doing for cash? I spent $640 on 32 hours straight.
How did I do that? Well, love did.
That's what love does.
NATELY: What am I gonna do? YOSSARIAN: Didn't your dad give you money? I love him.
Can you Can you He did.
He gave me money.
But that's already gone.
I mean, what have I done? Oh, 32 hours, who knows? [LAUGHTER.]
- MARCELLO: Clarina.
- Mm? MARCELLO: Oh.
What's your name? I'm Nately, sir.
Nately because it's Sunday, because you you are a nice boy, I give you two hours because you make happy my little Clarina.
Two hours? W-we have we have two hours? MARCELLO: Yeah.
It's a gift from the people of Italy.
Go.
Thank you.
Thank you, sir.
Eh, si.
Bye, bye, bye, bye.
NATELY: Come on.
MARCELLO: Bye.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
He won't need two hours.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
What have you got there? I, uh I don't speak Italian, honey.
What's, uh what's your name? Smoke.
Smoke.
Yeah, I'm I'm good for cigarettes.
Thanks.
I don't [CHUCKLES.]
I don't I don't speak what's what's your what's your name? You? Your name.
- Ines.
- YOSSARIAN: Ines.
Well, that's a beautiful name.
- INES: You? - Me, I'm Yo-Yo.
INES: Yo-Yo.
- Yo-Yo.
- Yo-Yo.
- YO-YO.
[CHUCKLES.]
- YOSSARIAN: Yeah.
Hey, Ines, where's, uh where's your mom and dad? Your, uh your parents? Uh, okay.
Well, how much for this? Cinque.
YOSSARIAN: Lira? Good God, Ines.
You're a tough operator.
Uh, all right.
Find a use for this, I guess, somehow.
[LAUGHS.]
All right, kid.
Thank you.
Hey, uh, go home to your, uh, parents or yeah.
All right, good, good.
MILO: All right, fellas! I hope you like dried herring.
YOSSARIAN: Hey, you going back to Pianosa? - Can we hitch a ride? - MILO: Where's yours? YOSSARIAN: I dunno.
That's what we're waiting to find out.
Well, mine's already full.
You hear Cathcart's raised the missions again? Huh? You mean last month, to 35.
No, I mean yesterday to 40.
Are you serious? MILO: Oh, shit, guys.
I thought you would have already have heard.
How would we have heard? [PLANE ENGINES CHOPPING.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- NATELY: Hey, she's not a whore.
- MAN: She's not a whore? NATELY: I told you not to call her that.
MAN: No, she's a librarian.
And she just takes money for sex.
MAN: Nately, she's a whore.
YOSSARIAN: Am I supposed to get my ass shot off because Cathcart wants to become a general? What about the men on the mainland? Our boys on the ground, are they supposed to get their asses shot off just because you don't want to fly? Those boys are entitled to air support.
Our boys on the ground.
Would you listen to yourself? Now you're even talking like Cathcart.
Yes, they're entitled to our support.
But not necessarily by me.
Not me specifically.
The only reason we're still flying is not for some for some noble purpose.
It's because that bastard keeps raising our missions.
Listen, you know very well that I don't approve of Colonel Cathcart any more than you do.
But it is not for us to determine what targets must be destroyed, or who's to destroy them.
Or who gets killed doing them and why? Yes, even that.
We have no right to question - Oh, you're insane.
- No right to question the Do you really mean that it's none of my business how or why I get killed and that it is Cathcart's? - Do you really mean that? - Yes, I do.
There are men entrusted with winning the war who are in a much better position than we are to decide what targets have to be bombed and who has to do it.
Okay, we're talking about two different things.
You're talking about the relationship - of the Air Corps to the Infantry.
- Yeah.
And I'm talking about the relationship of me to Cathcart.
You're talking about winning the war.
And I'm talking about winning the war and keeping me alive.
Exactly.
And which do you think is more important? What? Open your eyes! Clevinger, it doesn't make a damn bit of difference who wins the war to someone who's dead.
Congratulations.
I can't think of another attitude that could be depended upon to give greater comfort to the enemy.
The enemy is anybody who's gonna get you killed no matter which side he's on, and that includes Cathcart.
And don't you forget that, 'cause the longer you remember it, the longer you might live.
I want to live.
Don't get me wrong.
Then listen to me! Listen to Yo-Yo! I continually give you sound, lifesaving advice.
I am helping you live.
And you continue to recklessly operate on fucking principle.
To my dying day.
[CAR ENGINE REVVING.]
[ROSEMARY CLOONEY'S "NO LOVE, NO NOTHIN'".]
No love, no nothing Until my baby comes home No, sir, no nothing As long as baby must roam I promised him I'd wait for him Till even Hades froze I'm lonesome, heaven knows But what I said still goes No love, no nothing And that's a promise I'll keep No fun with no one I'm getting plenty of sleep My heart's on strike and though it's like An empty honeycomb No love, no, sir, no nothing Till my baby comes home [PLANE ENGINES ROARING.]
And we buy from this syndicate? Yes, the fundamental principle is everybody has his share.
And it's that mass purchasing power that makes the big difference.
For example, lamb chops.
I heard about those lamb chops.
MILO: Well, then you'll have heard they're the best the black market has to offer.
They're going for a song in Scotland.
I can't send a plane to Scotland.
I don't have the authority for that.
I can if you lend me a plane.
And then, colonel, there's Polish sausage that goes for peanuts in Cracow.
Cracow's hundreds of miles behind enemy lines.
How would you get to the sausage? There's an international Polish sausage exchange in Geneva.
I'll just fly the peanuts into Switzerland and exchange them for Polish sausage at the open market rate.
They'll fly the peanuts back to Cracow.
I'll fly the Polish sausage back to you.
You buy only as much Polish sausage as you want from the syndicate.
There will be the tangerines too.
And eggs from Malta and scotch from Sicily.
You'll be paying the money to yourself from the syndicate since you'll own a share.
So really you'll be getting everything you buy for nothing.
Doesn't that make sense? [PLANE ENGINES RUMBLING.]
CLEVINGER: So you're helping the boys on the ground after all.
Helping the boys on the ground.
CLEVINGER: Good for you, Yo-Yo.
Good for you.
Yankee Doodle went to town Riding on a pony Stuck a feather in his cap And called it macaroni Yankee Doodle Keep it up Yankee Doodle dandy Mind the music and the step - YOSSARIAN: And - CLEVINGER: And with the girls - Bombs away.
- CLEVINGER: Be handy Yankee Doodle is a tune That comes in mighty handy The enemy all runs away At [BOOMING.]
MCWATT: That's it for another day, gentlemen.
We are heading home.
We are out of here, Laden Maiden.
[PLANE ENGINE RUMBLING.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Did you hear something, McWatt? MCWATT: Did I hear what? Are you getting Laden Maiden? [HISSING.]
MCWATT: Clevinger? Hey, Clevinger? You there, buddy? I think it's just the radio.
- Hey, has Laden Maiden landed? - MECHANIC: What? - Has Laden Maiden come back? - MECHANIC: I don't know, sir.
YOSSARIAN: Did Laden Maiden land? ATC: This is tower to Army, 7499.
Are you receiving? Over.
This is tower to Army, 7499.
Are you receiving? Over.
This is tower to Army, 7499.
Are you receiving? Over.
This is tower to Army, 7499.
Are you receiving? Over.
CHAPLAIN: Still no news on Clevinger? Nothing.
It's 36 hours now.
He's on the Missing in Action list.
It's official.
That's no good.
You were with him in Santa Ana? Yeah, we went through the whole thing.
Clevinger was He was just good.
Basically.
CATHCART: Bologna, gentlemen.
This is where the rubber hits the road.
Enemy artillery are here, here, and here.
But our raiders are not getting to them because they're being torn to shreds both here, here, and here.
Our guess is, there are Howitzers based in those cave systems.
Here, here, and, uh, eh, somewhere around there.
Very difficult to pinpoint a target.
It's basically a hole in the ground, as you men well know.
Now, some of you will not be coming back.
There's no other way of telling you that.
Just basic statistics tell us that.
So, if any of you should find yourself on the wrong side of the statistics and at the risk of stating the obvious I would like to point out that your sacrifice will not have been in vain.
And, if in your final moments, you see death coming for you, think not of death.
Think of the living.
And know this.
God damn it, the 27th Air Corps Division thanks you for your sacrifice, gentlemen.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[THE MOUND CITY BLUE BLOWERS' "I'VE GOT MY FINGERS CROSSED".]
Any bonds today The bonds of freedom that's what I'm selling Any bonds today Scrape up the most you can Here comes the freedom man Asking you to buy a share of freedom today Any stamps today - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- We'll be blessed if we all invest In the U.
S.
A.
Here comes the freedom man Can't make tomorrow's plan Not unless you buy a share of freedom - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- MAN: Whoo! [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
The tall man with the high hat And the whiskers on his chin Will soon be knocking at your door [HORN HONKING.]
Who's Major Major? Well, we need you for the group leaders meeting.
We're allocating the Requisitions Budget for next quarter.
Let's go.
Uh, I I'm sorry, and my part in that is? All members of Senior Command are automatically part of the Group Leaders' Allocation and Requisition Procedural Advisory Board.
GLARPAB.
GLARPAB? For God's sakes, we're late for the meeting.
Oh, with all due respect, sir, I'm a sergeant.
- You're a sergeant? - MAJOR: Yes, sir.
I'm only a sergeant.
- But you're Major Major.
- Yes, sir.
That's my name, sir.
Uh [LAUGHS.]
I've been through this with the fellas, sir.
Uh, it's my birth name.
It's a funny story.
Um, but now may not be the time.
So, yes, in short, I'm Sergeant Major Major.
Major Major is my name.
Sergeant is my rank.
He's already on the calendar sheets right up to September.
List Good Christ, that means he's also in the Yes, sir.
He's already down for Wednesday's subcommittee briefings, yes.
CATHCART: Sergeant.
Major Sergeant Whatever your goddamn name is, you're not making a whiff of sense to me.
MAJOR: Sir, uh, like I told the fellas, well, uh, my father was something of a practical joker.
He named me Major Major.
First name Major, middle name Major, behind my mother's back, uh, on the birth certificate.
Uh, and my surname's Major, too, as you already know.
Well, that is a hell of a practical joke, isn't it, son? He was a piece of work, sir.
What are we gonna do? We can't have a goddamn sergeant in GLARPAB.
That's correct, sir.
It's for Senior Command only.
Unless, sir, you promote him.
CATHCART: Sergeant Major, step forward.
Sergeant Major, congratulations.
I'm herby promoting you to Major.
Congratulations.
Get in.
- MAJOR: But, no, sir sir, I - CATHCART: You're a good man.
You've earned it.
You've worked hard.
Yes, sir.
Um, d-does that mean, uh what will my duties be any different? Will his duties be any different, Colonel Korn? - Of course, sir.
He's a major, sir.
- Of course, they are, you're a major.
We don't just hand out promotions willy-nilly.
You'll act like a major, you'll perform the duties of a major, God damn it.
Yes, sir.
And And those are? Major Major, congratulations.
You're a major.
Give him the goddamn thing.
These are the minutes from last Allocations and Requisitions meeting and the agenda for today.
Uh [CAR ENGINE REVVING.]
CATHCART: Don't just stand there! Get in the goddamn jeep.
[JOHNNY HODGES' "THINGS AIN'T WHAT THEY USED TO BE".]
Mary, and Joseph.
Hey, fellas! Okay.
These go inside.
You carry two at a time.
Like this.
Carry, carry.
Rapido, rapido! Good lads.
Bueno, bueno.
SCHULZ: What's going on? Oh, you like watermelons? What is this? - They didn't tell you? - Tell me what? Oh, I am so sorry about that.
I'm the mess officer now.
SCHULZ: [CHUCKLES.]
What are you talking about? MILO: Uh, I am the mess officer now.
And, uh, you're not.
- But this is what I do.
- MILO: I know.
I tried to tell them that myself, it's ridiculous.
What the hell do I know about running a kitchen? No, no.
Those go in the pantry.
[JOHNNY HODGES' "THINGS AIN'T WHAT THEY USED TO BE".]
At 0930, sir, Major Predegast from the Car Relative Operations Southern Division Committee will be here to speak to you about the combined groups' requisition outreach.
At 1000, that'll be Colonel Lestridge.
Okay, 1100, a Milo Minderbinder has asked to see you.
He's the mess officer.
He wants to talk to you about an unusual new variety of truffles, sir.
Apparently they're worth a lot of money.
Okay.
What would you say if I told you I don't want to see those people? Which people in particular, sir? All of them.
Any of them.
SERGEANT: Well, sir, my job is to schedule your day as you request.
Okay, uh, from now on, I would much prefer if no one came in to see me while I'm here.
Yes.
Does that include me, sir? MAJOR: Yes, that includes you, sergeant.
Of course, sir.
That's no one ever.
SERGEANT: I see, sir.
Very good, sir.
Will that be all, sir? Yes.
[LAUGHING.]
Uh, yes, yes.
That will be all.
[CHUCKLES.]
What shall I say to the people who do come to see you while you're here? MAJOR: Tell them, uh tell them I'm in and ask them to wait.
Yes, sir.
For how long? Until I've left.
SERGEANT: What shall I do with them then, sir? Uh, you know what? I don't care.
SERGEANT: May I send them in to see you after you've left? Yes.
Yes, you may.
You may indeed.
- But you won't be here then, will you? - MAJOR: Yes, that's correct.
Well, sir, just to clarify, when should I come here to find out if there's anything you want me to do for you? When I'm not here.
SERGEANT: Yes, and what should I do? Uh, whatever I tell you to.
SERGEANT: But you won't be here to tell me.
No.
SERGEANT: Then what should I do? Whatever has to be done.
Cross that bridge when we come to it.
Yes, sir.
MAJOR: Good.
Well, dismissed, then.
[DOOR CLICKS SHUT.]
CHAPLAIN: The Lord is my shepherd.
I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.
He leadeth me beside still waters.
He restoreth my soul.
He leadeth me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.
Look, enough with all the death stuff, huh? What do you say we send the boys out feeling good? Don't you have something a little bit more, I dunno, goddamn sunnier? Sunnier.
May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
The sun shine warm upon your face.
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand.
[LOUD BOOMING.]
MAN: Closing in on target.
30 seconds to run.
[PLANE ENGINES RUMBLING.]
Crew, you still fucking alive back there? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
MAN: Yossarian, you on a steady heading? We're approaching.
YOSSARIAN: Steady.
[MOTORS RUNNING.]
Bombs away.
Okay, over to you, McWatt.
get us out of here.
[BOOMING.]
[TIRES SQUEALING.]
CATHCART: We have pounded the bastards into submission and we have taken Rome.
Congratulations, gentlemen.
St.
Lawrence Basilica, rubble.
This one, good job.
This, bravo.
Bravo, gentlemen.
What is this? The hell is this? What in the goddamn hell is this? That looks like a goddamn tourist postcard! Hands up, bombardiers.
Well, there you have it.
A group of idiots trying to singlehandedly lose this fucking war for us.
Next time why don't we just drop leaflets? Guten Tag, my German friends.
You just have a fine old fucking day, why don't you? What are we trying to be? What have I told you that we are trying to be? Comprehensive.
Blanket coverage.
Flush the enemy out.
How many times have I told you? How many times That's the Vatican, sir.
All right, then.
That's Vatican City.
And as we all know, that is neutral territory, so good job.
That is precision bombing, gentlemen.
You gotta respect that neutral territory.
Terrific job.
Gotta love those Catholics, huh? And the Jews.
Major de Coverley.
Major de Coverley will be heading to Rome to spearhead his Advance Reconnaissance Residential Plan.
And, as usual, securing accommodations for the officers in the performing of their administrative duties.
As well as their weekend leave, of course.
Major de Coverley, we look forward as always to your splendid accommodations.
That's if I can find any still standing in there.
[LAUGHTER.]
I'm sure you will.
Gosh, I'm proud of you, gentlemen.
I'm very proud indeed.
So what do you say we speed this thing up, hmm? Are you with me? All right, then.
Let's get this thing over and done with.
Let's put the hurt on Jerry.
Let's pitch in.
Let's raise the mission count to 35.
35 it is, gentlemen.
We're gonna win this thing.
We're gonna win this fucking thing.
35 it is.
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
- You can't go in there, sir.
- Yes, I can.
He's my point guard.
He's raising the missions again.
He's raising the goddamn missions again.
MAJOR: He's awfully keen.
No, he's not keen.
He's crazy! - I have no power.
- YOSSARIAN: Yes, you do.
You have the power to stand men down.
- MAJOR: On what basis? - Find a basis.
Good God, there are basises everywhere.
Yossarian, I don't even want to be here.
I'm two missions away.
And, bang, 35, just like that.
And just like that, I'm 7 away.
That's terrible.
Yossarian, that's simply terrible.
I'm afraid.
MAJOR: That that's nothing to be ashamed of.
I'm not ashamed.
I'm afraid.
So what are we gonna do? I don't know.
I-I don't even know what powers I have.
Well, somebody must know.
It must be written down somewhere.
Yeah? Probably in here somewhere.
YOSSARIAN: What the hell is that? MAJOR: It's the Group Leaders Operations Manual.
Perhaps I should read it.
Jesus Christ.
Okay.
You read this.
You figure out what your powers are.
And you can find me when you know how they can be used to help me, hmm? - Mm.
- Hmm.
I'll be in the hospital.
Thank you, Major.
I mean, thank you, sir.
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
Hello.
How are you? Hi.
Hi.
How are you? Hello.
What's going on here? I just need a few days, maximum.
- A few days for what? - For my situation.
My situation's complicated.
I have a major working on it right now.
He's having to sort through some very technical details.
Documents.
Debts.
What's that got to do with you being in here? YOSSARIAN: Well, if it helps your situation at all, I really am feeling a little unwell.
My situation? Look, I'll be quiet as a mouse.
If you need a bed, I'm out of here in two minutes and you'll barely even know that I'm here.
Please? [TOMMY DORSEY'S "THEN I'LL BE HAPPY".]
TEXAN: Remember the Alamo? You're goddamn right I do.
We didn't take no handouts.
We took Texas by hook or by crook one county at a time.
That's my grandpappy I'm talking about there, boy.
His grandpappy 'fore him.
Soil Conservation Society thinks they can tell us how to farm our own land.
Well, we've been doing that for 120 years, thank you very much.
You're very welcome indeed, sir.
I grew up on a 900-acre spread out near Sonora.
It's all horizon out there, boy.
Horizon, every direction.
[CHUCKLES.]
This one time, me and my pappy, we was leading 1,000 head through a dry gulch, and we heard this noise.
What on earth could that be? Sounds a little like thunder.
Only it keeps rumbling.
And it ain't no thunder.
Turns out it'd been raining up near Christoval.
Whoo-hoo, them gulches ain't seen water in 100 years.
And I'm yelling, "Pappy, you hearing this?" Suddenly, there's a longhorn about 100 yards up.
He's met with a wall of water.
[MIMICS WATER RUSHING.]
You could feel it hit him.
Turned him flankside like a linebacker.
And the wave is acting like a cow catcher on the front of a train just collecting all them steers.
[MIMICS WATER RUSHING.]
And it's coming for us.
Just a whole tumble fuck of [IL VOLO'S "O SOLE MIO".]
Che bella cosa Na jurnata 'e sole N'aria serena Doppo na tempesta Pe' ll'aria fresca Pare gia' na festa Che bella cosa Na jurnata 'e sole - Buongiorno.
- Buongiorno.
Un caffè, per favore.
E un - Ah, glass of water.
- Si, signore.
Uh, the, um the building the, um What do you call it? Uh Edificio.
Who Chi owns the building? The Scusi? Uh, the proprietario of the edificio.
Un secondo.
Giuseppe.
L'americano vuole sapere chi è proprietario del Proprietario.
That's it, that's it.
Dammi una mano.
Non so cosa consegui.
May I help you, sir? Ah.
English.
I want to know who owns that building 'cause I need to requisition it on behalf of the fighting men of the United States of America.
TEXAN: People of means, decent folk, they deserve more votes than drifters and whores criminals.
Degenerates, atheists.
They're indecent folk.
You know, people without means.
You know what I'm saying? Way I see it, there's only two types of people in this world.
People of means and people without means.
You gotta get me a private room.
I'm losing my mind.
This has become a mental health issue now.
What about that oath that you take about not doing me any harm? - The Hippocratic oath? - YOSSARIAN: That's the one.
That's just for doctors.
YOSSARIAN: Oh, come on.
What do you say? A little peace and quiet would be tremendously beneficial to me.
Don't push it.
- Lift your tongue.
- TEXAN: One man, one vote's poppycock.
But one man ain't always equal to one other man.
That's just the way it is.
That's the law of nature, man.
Some folks, it's just it's claws and disembowelment from cradle to gra [PLANE ENGINES RUMBLING.]
[TIRES SQUEALING.]
KORN: Now, with one new runway this one you increase your overall flight capacity to 162 per day.
- CATHCART: Additional? - KORN: Correct, sir.
Now, a second runway, engineering-wise, it's a bigger job.
We have to extend out here past the spit.
But if we do that, you're gonna be able to siphon off some of the heavier cargo flights from runway one and that'll take you to 420 individual flights per week.
420? No one on the other bases come close to that.
I don't think so, sir, no.
This is a three-month flow chart analyzing the cost of the one runway option versus Well, forget the one runway option, Korn.
- Think big.
- KORN: Yes.
I thought so.
For God's sakes, if I had a nickel for every small thought of yours, I'd be the richest What on God's green Earth is that? MILO: It's only me, sir.
CATHCART: Who in the hell are you? I'm Milo Minderbinder, sir.
I'm the new mess officer.
You may have heard of me.
Do you realize these men have orders to shoot to kill? We come bearing tomatoes, sir.
You're gonna have to try this.
Wait, wait.
This is olive oil, sir.
The Italians use it for everything.
[CORK POPS.]
- My God.
- You get it? Korn, try one of these.
[GROANS.]
Good God.
[JOHNNY HODGES "THINGS AIN'T WHAT THEY USED TO BE".]
They're selling for $3 a bale in London! That's a 550% markup! 550? That's an interesting number.
You're saying that I'm buying tomatoes off of you in this scenario? Well, what I'm actually saying, sir, is that for you this time it's actually an infinity percent markup because because I'd like you to have these tomatoes, sir, to do with as you may! Well, that's very generous of you, but I couldn't possibly take all these tomato And then of course in the normal course of business, I could offer you future shipments at very attractive rates, almost at my cost, sir.
So you'd be dropping from infinity percent back to 500, 300, thereabouts, should you wish to participate.
Well, Milo participate? Participate.
Oh, Milo, commerce isn't exactly my bag.
- I've got a base to ru - Oh, you'd be a natural, sir.
I got a good eye for these things.
I am planning on building a couple runways out there to increase flight capacity, all that jazz - but I'm not - Well, increased flight capacity means increased profits for those with the vision to see.
- War is not about profit, son.
- Absolutely, sir.
Not only.
War is about the justs defeating the unjusts.
It is absolutely that, too, sir.
What about you, son? Are you enjoying your missions? I'm proud to be doing my bit, sir.
Yes, indeed.
Thank you for asking.
Good, good.
Good, good.
TEXAN: Are you a Bill Bevens man? Or are you a Ralph Branca man? Hmm? Well, let's look at this season.
Bill Bevens has got an ERA so far of 3.
68.
But his 1944 ERA was 2.
67.
See, you gotta ask yourself, what happened to Bill Bevens this year? Now, Ralph Branca, his ERA's around three, but you gotta remember kid's 19, right? He's just gonna keep getting better.
And Bill Bevens, he's 28.
That elbow's getting tired.
So you're the Yankee's GM.
What are you gonna do? How often you gonna relieve him? Well, who do you got? You got Tiny Bonham, you got Spud Chandler He can't fucking hear you! We don't even know if he's alive in there! - I can hear you.
- I know you can, buddy.
Do we all have to listen to your bullshit? - TEXAN: What's your fucking problem? - You! You're my fucking problem! - Me? What did I do? - You won't shut up! I can't even hear myself think! This is a fucking hospital! TEXAN: Yeah, it's a fucking hospital.
It's not a fucking library! I'm helping this fuck, man.
He's trapped in there.
- Where's your humanity? - Oh, you're bringing him out of his shell, are you? - Come on, guys.
- Stay out of it, buddy.
YOSSARIAN: I just want some peace and quiet.
We all do.
We're all just trying to fucking convalesce here.
Oh, okay, you've been elected ward spokesman now, is that right, numb nuts? [CLATTERING.]
- You want a piece of me? - Not really.
- Well, you're gonna get one.
- Okay, then.
- Okay, then.
- Great.
Great.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[CLATTERING.]
[SHOUTING.]
Hey, hey! What is going on here? Hey! Knock it off! YOSSARIAN: Ah, I'll kill you! That's it, Yossarian.
You're out of here! What? MAN: Son of a bitch! Let's go! MAN: Yo-Yo, come on, are we close yet? MAN: Okay, where we at? MAN: Clear, 053.
Holding at 3,200.
MAN: You got fire.
Are you okay? MAN: Yo-Yo, we almost there? MAN: We're holding.
MAN: Open them up! Open them up! Fucking Christ.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Jeez! Ooh, fuck! Ooh, fuck! MAN: Yeah, we're coming up on it now.
All right, just hold steady right there.
MAN: We're over it now.
We gotta drop.
Let's go.
Open them up.
Coming up on your left, Yossarian.
Are you holding steady? MAN: We're sitting right on top of them, Yo-Yo! Yo-Yo! Drop them, Yo-Yo! YOSSARIAN: And release.
[PLANE ENGINES ROARING.]
[BOOMING.]
[MOTORCYCLE PUTTERING.]
MAN: Now I push.
- MAN: Okay.
- Forget it.
Fold, I'm out.
- MAN: What? - MAN: It's fine.
You would've thought I would've been more of a problem.
[ALL SHOUTING.]
- MAN: Come on.
- MAN: Not fair! MAN: Come on.
Very nice.
Very clean.
Bellissimo.
Leave her alone, Aarfy.
AARFY: I'm just saying, she's very clean.
What's your name, honey? Uh, what is it? Qual è il tuo Um Qual è il tuo nome? Mi chiamo Michaela.
Michaela.
That's very nice.
Me and you should go for a walk sometime, Michaela.
MICHAELA: Scusi? AARFY: We should go for a walk sometime! You look like Bette Davis.
Oh, give it a rest, Aarfy.
She doesn't understand you.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Gentlemen.
No, no, sit down.
So, how are we? Enjoying our rest and recreation in the eternal city? SAMPSON: Oh, yes, sir.
We are, sir.
DE COVERLY: Oh, what's on the dance card for this evening? Uh, Nately lost his mind to a woman of the night.
[LAUGHTER.]
She's, like, the most real person that I've ever met, Yo-Yo.
NATELY: She tries to speak English.
She gets the words wrong and we laugh.
We just laugh a lot.
[REX STUART'S "MY SUNDAY GAL".]
Yeah, we talked all night.
How does that happen? You know, I've got this phrase book, but it's not like I'm looking at the phrase book every two seconds.
We just talk.
You know, it's some of her words.
It's some of my words.
We put them together, and somehow it all makes sense.
We cuddle.
We fuck, yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
It's crazy.
She's just, like, a real person.
MARCELLO: America will lose the war, my friend.
And Italy will win it.
America is the strongest and most prosperous nation on earth, and the American fighting man is second to none.
Why do you think we are here and the Germans are on the run? And Italy, on the other hand, is one of the least prosperous nations on Earth.
And the Italian fighting man is probably second to all.
And that's exactly why my country is doing so well in this war while your country is doing so poorly.
The Germans have been driven out now, as you so correctly observe.
In a few months, you will be gone too.
And we will still be here.
Oh, amen to that.
You see, Italy is really a very poor and weak country.
And that's what makes us so strong.
Italian soldiers are not dying anymore, but American and German soldiers are, no? I call that doing extremely well.
[LAUGHS.]
Italy will survive this war and still be in existence long after your own country has been destroyed.
America is not going to be destroyed.
I wish for your sake it were true.
For your beliefs.
Because America is a very great and noble idea.
You're too right.
It is.
Yeah, it's a wonderful idea.
But Rome was destroyed.
Greece was destroyed.
Persia was destroyed.
Spain was destroyed.
All great empires are destroyed.
Why not yours? We are gonna survive and triumph for a long, long time.
[CHUCKLES.]
You put so much stock in winning.
But listen, the real trick is losing wars.
Uh, in knowing which wars can be lost.
[LAUGHING.]
You talk like a madman.
But I live like a sane one.
I was a fascist when Mussolini was on top, and I am an anti-fascist now he has been deposed.
I was fanatically pro-German when the Germans were here to protect us against the Americans.
And now the Americans are here to protect us against the Germans, I'm fanatical pro-American.
I assure you that you and your country will have no more loyal partisan in Italy than me.
But only for as long as you remain.
Don't you have any principles? Oh, of course not.
CLEVINGER: No morality? Oh, no.
I'm a very, very moral man.
And you have good taste in brandy.
One does one's best.
CLARA: Marcello.
Yo-Yo, You gotta convince her to stay with me.
Just tell him to tell her that I'm good for it.
Or Or Or lend me some money.
How you doing for cash? I spent $640 on 32 hours straight.
How did I do that? Well, love did.
That's what love does.
NATELY: What am I gonna do? YOSSARIAN: Didn't your dad give you money? I love him.
Can you Can you He did.
He gave me money.
But that's already gone.
I mean, what have I done? Oh, 32 hours, who knows? [LAUGHTER.]
- MARCELLO: Clarina.
- Mm? MARCELLO: Oh.
What's your name? I'm Nately, sir.
Nately because it's Sunday, because you you are a nice boy, I give you two hours because you make happy my little Clarina.
Two hours? W-we have we have two hours? MARCELLO: Yeah.
It's a gift from the people of Italy.
Go.
Thank you.
Thank you, sir.
Eh, si.
Bye, bye, bye, bye.
NATELY: Come on.
MARCELLO: Bye.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
He won't need two hours.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
What have you got there? I, uh I don't speak Italian, honey.
What's, uh what's your name? Smoke.
Smoke.
Yeah, I'm I'm good for cigarettes.
Thanks.
I don't [CHUCKLES.]
I don't I don't speak what's what's your what's your name? You? Your name.
- Ines.
- YOSSARIAN: Ines.
Well, that's a beautiful name.
- INES: You? - Me, I'm Yo-Yo.
INES: Yo-Yo.
- Yo-Yo.
- Yo-Yo.
- YO-YO.
[CHUCKLES.]
- YOSSARIAN: Yeah.
Hey, Ines, where's, uh where's your mom and dad? Your, uh your parents? Uh, okay.
Well, how much for this? Cinque.
YOSSARIAN: Lira? Good God, Ines.
You're a tough operator.
Uh, all right.
Find a use for this, I guess, somehow.
[LAUGHS.]
All right, kid.
Thank you.
Hey, uh, go home to your, uh, parents or yeah.
All right, good, good.
MILO: All right, fellas! I hope you like dried herring.
YOSSARIAN: Hey, you going back to Pianosa? - Can we hitch a ride? - MILO: Where's yours? YOSSARIAN: I dunno.
That's what we're waiting to find out.
Well, mine's already full.
You hear Cathcart's raised the missions again? Huh? You mean last month, to 35.
No, I mean yesterday to 40.
Are you serious? MILO: Oh, shit, guys.
I thought you would have already have heard.
How would we have heard? [PLANE ENGINES CHOPPING.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- NATELY: Hey, she's not a whore.
- MAN: She's not a whore? NATELY: I told you not to call her that.
MAN: No, she's a librarian.
And she just takes money for sex.
MAN: Nately, she's a whore.
YOSSARIAN: Am I supposed to get my ass shot off because Cathcart wants to become a general? What about the men on the mainland? Our boys on the ground, are they supposed to get their asses shot off just because you don't want to fly? Those boys are entitled to air support.
Our boys on the ground.
Would you listen to yourself? Now you're even talking like Cathcart.
Yes, they're entitled to our support.
But not necessarily by me.
Not me specifically.
The only reason we're still flying is not for some for some noble purpose.
It's because that bastard keeps raising our missions.
Listen, you know very well that I don't approve of Colonel Cathcart any more than you do.
But it is not for us to determine what targets must be destroyed, or who's to destroy them.
Or who gets killed doing them and why? Yes, even that.
We have no right to question - Oh, you're insane.
- No right to question the Do you really mean that it's none of my business how or why I get killed and that it is Cathcart's? - Do you really mean that? - Yes, I do.
There are men entrusted with winning the war who are in a much better position than we are to decide what targets have to be bombed and who has to do it.
Okay, we're talking about two different things.
You're talking about the relationship - of the Air Corps to the Infantry.
- Yeah.
And I'm talking about the relationship of me to Cathcart.
You're talking about winning the war.
And I'm talking about winning the war and keeping me alive.
Exactly.
And which do you think is more important? What? Open your eyes! Clevinger, it doesn't make a damn bit of difference who wins the war to someone who's dead.
Congratulations.
I can't think of another attitude that could be depended upon to give greater comfort to the enemy.
The enemy is anybody who's gonna get you killed no matter which side he's on, and that includes Cathcart.
And don't you forget that, 'cause the longer you remember it, the longer you might live.
I want to live.
Don't get me wrong.
Then listen to me! Listen to Yo-Yo! I continually give you sound, lifesaving advice.
I am helping you live.
And you continue to recklessly operate on fucking principle.
To my dying day.
[CAR ENGINE REVVING.]
[ROSEMARY CLOONEY'S "NO LOVE, NO NOTHIN'".]
No love, no nothing Until my baby comes home No, sir, no nothing As long as baby must roam I promised him I'd wait for him Till even Hades froze I'm lonesome, heaven knows But what I said still goes No love, no nothing And that's a promise I'll keep No fun with no one I'm getting plenty of sleep My heart's on strike and though it's like An empty honeycomb No love, no, sir, no nothing Till my baby comes home [PLANE ENGINES ROARING.]
And we buy from this syndicate? Yes, the fundamental principle is everybody has his share.
And it's that mass purchasing power that makes the big difference.
For example, lamb chops.
I heard about those lamb chops.
MILO: Well, then you'll have heard they're the best the black market has to offer.
They're going for a song in Scotland.
I can't send a plane to Scotland.
I don't have the authority for that.
I can if you lend me a plane.
And then, colonel, there's Polish sausage that goes for peanuts in Cracow.
Cracow's hundreds of miles behind enemy lines.
How would you get to the sausage? There's an international Polish sausage exchange in Geneva.
I'll just fly the peanuts into Switzerland and exchange them for Polish sausage at the open market rate.
They'll fly the peanuts back to Cracow.
I'll fly the Polish sausage back to you.
You buy only as much Polish sausage as you want from the syndicate.
There will be the tangerines too.
And eggs from Malta and scotch from Sicily.
You'll be paying the money to yourself from the syndicate since you'll own a share.
So really you'll be getting everything you buy for nothing.
Doesn't that make sense? [PLANE ENGINES RUMBLING.]
CLEVINGER: So you're helping the boys on the ground after all.
Helping the boys on the ground.
CLEVINGER: Good for you, Yo-Yo.
Good for you.
Yankee Doodle went to town Riding on a pony Stuck a feather in his cap And called it macaroni Yankee Doodle Keep it up Yankee Doodle dandy Mind the music and the step - YOSSARIAN: And - CLEVINGER: And with the girls - Bombs away.
- CLEVINGER: Be handy Yankee Doodle is a tune That comes in mighty handy The enemy all runs away At [BOOMING.]
MCWATT: That's it for another day, gentlemen.
We are heading home.
We are out of here, Laden Maiden.
[PLANE ENGINE RUMBLING.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Did you hear something, McWatt? MCWATT: Did I hear what? Are you getting Laden Maiden? [HISSING.]
MCWATT: Clevinger? Hey, Clevinger? You there, buddy? I think it's just the radio.
- Hey, has Laden Maiden landed? - MECHANIC: What? - Has Laden Maiden come back? - MECHANIC: I don't know, sir.
YOSSARIAN: Did Laden Maiden land? ATC: This is tower to Army, 7499.
Are you receiving? Over.
This is tower to Army, 7499.
Are you receiving? Over.
This is tower to Army, 7499.
Are you receiving? Over.
This is tower to Army, 7499.
Are you receiving? Over.
CHAPLAIN: Still no news on Clevinger? Nothing.
It's 36 hours now.
He's on the Missing in Action list.
It's official.
That's no good.
You were with him in Santa Ana? Yeah, we went through the whole thing.
Clevinger was He was just good.
Basically.
CATHCART: Bologna, gentlemen.
This is where the rubber hits the road.
Enemy artillery are here, here, and here.
But our raiders are not getting to them because they're being torn to shreds both here, here, and here.
Our guess is, there are Howitzers based in those cave systems.
Here, here, and, uh, eh, somewhere around there.
Very difficult to pinpoint a target.
It's basically a hole in the ground, as you men well know.
Now, some of you will not be coming back.
There's no other way of telling you that.
Just basic statistics tell us that.
So, if any of you should find yourself on the wrong side of the statistics and at the risk of stating the obvious I would like to point out that your sacrifice will not have been in vain.
And, if in your final moments, you see death coming for you, think not of death.
Think of the living.
And know this.
God damn it, the 27th Air Corps Division thanks you for your sacrifice, gentlemen.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[THE MOUND CITY BLUE BLOWERS' "I'VE GOT MY FINGERS CROSSED".]