Cavendish (2019) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Some would say when it comes to the potato, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Oh, that's good.
- I'm gonna write that down.
- Hey, man! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Check this out.
What the hell do you think - that's supposed to be? - I don't know.
Read the description.
I did.
It just says "rare ancient bird".
Have you seen this over here? Look at this! - (panting) - Mark, can you please stop talking? I'm trying to write down ideas - for this article that I'm pitching.
- Oh no, man! Don't do that.
No, that's so boring.
Let's go have fun! It's not boring! It's about the cultural significance - of the PEI potato.
- That's not boring? Which title do you like better? You Say Potato, I Say Identity? - Oh - Or or One Potato, Two Potatoes, Three Potatoes Us? Neither of those.
Those are both terrible, terrible titles! - Bad titles! - OK uh - Bryn, which one do you like? - My middle name is potato.
- What? - What? What did you say? My middle name is potato.
- No, it's not.
- It's definitely not potato.
Gotcha.
- No, you didn't.
- You You didn't get us.
- We said it's not.
- My middle name is actually - Big Tony.
- Is this the first time - you've ever tried a prank? - Gotcha.
- You didn't get us, Bryn! - That's what I thought she - Yeah.
We're not gotten.
- You gotta work on pranks.
- OK.
- OK.
Come on, let's go have fun, man! - It's such a nice day! - Mark, I can't go.
- I have to work.
Alright? Some of us have to earn a living.
- I earn a living, Andy.
- How do you earn a living? - I pick up odd jobs here and there.
For instance, I recently drew a cover for my buddy Dave's young adult fantasy novel.
You know, like, that genre, like Twilight, how it's about teen werewolves and teen vampires kinda rubbing and porking, and f and sucking on each other? I don't think that's what it's about.
That's what it's about.
Bryn, is that what it's about? - That's what it's about.
- That's what it's about.
So, anyway, Dave's novel is like that, except it's about teen swamp things.
It's called Swamp Academy.
- Hmm.
Yeah.
- And there's the cover I drew.
- Oh, my God, Mark that is actual porn! - I know! I kept waiting for them to give me notes but they just - signed off on the whole thing! - Don't zoom in.
Don't - Don't zoom! Oh, my God - Look at that guy in the back.
- That's that's the neighbour.
- There's so many fluids! Wow! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, yeah, Bryn, you wanna see that? Oh, actually, I'm gonna Alright.
That's her phone now.
That's OK.
That's her phone.
(musical theme) I-I just don't understand why everything works out for you and nothing works out for me.
You want to know why that is? It's because I open myself up to the universe and I say "yes".
We are taught to say "no".
I'm serious.
Don't do drugs.
Don't talk to strangers.
Stranger Danger.
You know what I call Stranger Danger? - Stranger Opportunity.
- Those Stranger Danger videos are meant to keep kids from getting kidnapped.
Yeah, well, I say let yourself be kidnapped! See the world! Hey! Here's something we can do.
You wanna go swim with the lobsters? I don't think that's what lobster tours means.
But who knows what it means? That's a mystery.
Mark, no.
I just want to go to the hospital, give Dad his clothes and finish my article.
Ouh! I've got a great idea.
I'm writing it from the perspective of the potato.
So it's - No.
No! - You you said to say yes! Not to your own crappy ideas, Andy.
To the universe! - (Andy sighs) - To swimming with the lobsters or zip-lining or Two Anne of Green Gables - walking right at us.
- Oh, my God.
Is this Can we escape from this or are we kinda - locked in? - Yeah, we're locked in.
- Hello, gentlemen.
- Hi.
- You're new here.
- I'm sorry? I'm Beverley Clinch, the artistic director of the Cavendish Theatre Company.
And these these are my Annes.
Your Annes, yes.
Your Annes.
Well Two of them, at least.
This titan of the stage played Anne from 1965 to 1980.
And Linda over here is our current Anne.
You direct the local Anne Of Green Gables play? Indeed.
My Annes and I have been watching you ever since you arrived in town.
In fact many of us are watching you still.
(eerie music) - Oh, my goodness! - Woah, woah, woah! Oh! Yeah.
Alright.
Simply put, Cavendish is the home of Anne Of Green Gables and it is my job every year to put on a theatrical experience that honors that heritage.
And I am currently casting peripheral roles for the play.
You, sir are Gilbert Blythe.
Me? Gilbert Blythe? Anne's love interest! You've got that handsome face, that lean build, that popularity with women that I mean, I assume you have.
- More or less, yeah! - Yes.
And you You are Creepy Ted.
I'm sorry, Creepy Ted? He's a lesser-known character in the books, a terrible old man whose only job is to make sure that horses are excited, you know, before breeding.
He's a total creep, but he does have the opportunity to change at the end of the play.
He, of course, you know, rejects that opportunity, somehow becoming more creepy than he was to begin with and ultimately dying at the noble hands of Gilbert Blythe while an aroused Clydesdale looks on.
We will take it.
We're in! Say no more.
- No! What? No, no, no! - Sounds like a wonderful play.
- I can't wait for the climax.
- Hold on.
Yeah, hold on.
Yeah, hold on.
We're not We're not going to take it.
Um, for one thing, I have a writer's deadline.
- Self-imposed, but still - Self-imposed.
Yeah.
And secondly, you haven't seen us act.
Ha! Ha! Acting, um - Acting comes from in here.
- Oh, wow.
That's I Yeah, I feel it.
I feel it.
Oh, yeah, you were - That really hurt.
- Well, I've seen all I need to see from you two.
The smug, handsome affability of a young Gilbert and the creepiness of Creepy Ted.
Think on my offer, gentlemen.
Rehearsals begin tomorrow.
OK.
Annes (clicks tongue) (Andy): No! - No.
- Why not, man? This is exactly what I meant about saying "yes" to the universe! Yeah, it's easy to say "yes" to the universe when it gives you a juicy role like Gilbert Blythe.
Which is insane, by the way! - You are nothing like Gilbert.
- How could you say that to me? You don't even know what I'm talking about! You haven't read the books! I don't need to read the books.
Gilbert never read books.
You don't know that.
You didn't read the books! That's a good point.
Hey, do you think dad wanted - clean underwear as well? - I don't know.
- Rollie? Wake up! - OK.
I'm gonna hit him with the paddles.
- Give me some space here! - Oh! Oh no - Alright.
Clear! - (repeating): What's going on? - Oh, my goodness! Dad! - OK.
Your father had another cardiac event Come on, Rollie! Oh, my gosh! Rollie! - Is he OK? - (droning beep) Um I'm sorry, everybody - He's gone.
- (Ruth): No! - What? - (Ruth crying) - He was fine this morning! - (beep stops) Yes, well, medical situations can change very quickly.
(laughing) My God! That was a prank? - What? - That was incredible! - What?! - Oh, God! Oh, wow! Your faces! Your faces! Bryn should take notes on how to do pranks from you guys.
That was top notch! How was my acting? I really thought I was gonna give it away, but I That was so much fun! - That was incredible.
- You were a triumph, Ruth.
Oh, my goodness.
We could talk about your acting all day, but actually, somebody actually really need this, so - Oh boy See you, Dr Green! - (laughing): Cheers, doc! - You know, this hospital is refreshingly chill.
- Yeah! So, how are you two boys settling in? Oh, great! Andy and I just got offered roles in the upcoming Anne of Green Gables play.
- Oh! - That's wonderful! Let me guess - Gilbert? - Yes! That's right.
Of course! Well, with your handsome face and your lean build and your popularity with the women, - which I assume you have.
- More or less! And you are Creepy Ted! How on Earth did you know that? Oh, that's great! That's a terrific role.
Who's playing the horse? I don't know and I'm not doing it.
- Why not? - Because I don't want to be a creep in the background while this guy does a character he knows nothing about! (British accent): Look out, Anne! Here come the gables! - Wonderful! - That's quite a good accent.
- Gilbert isn't British.
- What does that have to do with anything? You are going to be in a play without even auditioning for it.
That's fate! That's the that's the universe giving you a gift.
That is exactly what I said, Ruth.
Yeah.
The universe doesn't give gifts.
OK? So Woah! The universe doesn't give gifts? Andy, it is the universe! Hello? - Hello! - You know, if nothing else, the experience might make a neat article.
That is a good point.
Andy, that's a good point.
Yeah, it is a good point.
- That's the spirit! - He's coming around! - Alright! - Great to hear! And you know, after my little performance, I sort of think that I could be an actor! Could you see me in movies? - Uh - Oh, uh "You're out of order! You're out of order! This whole courtroom's out of order!" - Yeah! - Not bad.
She's a natural.
A natural.
Um "I'm Bond.
James Bond.
Nice to meet ya.
" - That's nice.
- That's pretty good.
"Did you f my wife? Did you f my wife? Tell me if you did!" - Raging Bull.
I like it.
- Yeah! "I'm gonna beat the s out of you!" - That's enough, Ruth.
- OK.
Yeah.
Oh, if that's enough OK, Rollie.
- Where the hell are we? - I know, right? Yeah, I think this is gonna be a lot of fun, man.
- We're gonna have a good time.
- Yeah, well, if this gets weird at any moment, - we are out of here, alright? - Of course, yeah.
Say no more.
(ominous music) Well, looks OK to me.
Hi, guys! - (sighs) - A lot of you, uh? So I hear you're our new Gilbert.
- That's very exciting.
- Oh, yeah.
- Are you the new Anne? - Oh! Ha! Ha! Goodness, no.
It's been almost 10 years since I last played her.
Oh.
Well, you haven't aged a day.
Or maybe you have, but you looked like a little kid back then.
(giggling) - (laughing) - You like that one, uh? Yeah.
- Pretty good one.
Yeah.
- So, this is the house.
And you two will be rooming with Travis, who we've cast as Matthew Cuthbert.
Ah yes, Matthew Cuthbert.
From the books.
I'm sorry, is this an overnight thing? Because we didn't pack any bags.
Don't worry.
All will be provided.
Sort of a haunting way to say that.
- Yeah, it is.
- (giggling) (whispering): Mark (ominous music) - No service.
That's great.
- Stop worrying, man! Sure, we're in the middle of nowhere and all the ladies are dressed the same like a very on the nose horror movie, but those ladies are pretty nice.
Did you meet Grace? - Which one's Grace? - She was the Anne in her 40s with the really focused stare.
I never saw her blink.
You should find out if she's single.
I'm not here to pick up, Mark! I'm here because you convinced me this is some sort of cosmic good idea or whatever.
But you could still pick up while you're here.
You know? I bet if you sleep with one Anne, all the other Annes know.
A bit.
I bet that's true.
I bet they're all a bit, like - Ouh! That was good.
- Look, Mark, you promised me we could leave if it got weird.
- It's weird.
- It's not weird! Man, it's good! You just need to get acclimated.
Trust me, this is gonna be a really fun time.
- Right, Travis? - We're all gonna die here.
- For f 's sake! Thank you! - Come on, Travis! - Thank you, Travis! Thank you! - No, not "thank you"! No! Travis is an idiot.
I gave him too much credit.
Travis, why do you say that? - I had a dream.
- Oh, jeez! - Let him finish! - I had a dream where all these women were torturing me.
They wanted what only I, as a man, could give them: my seed.
I begged them to stop, but they wouldn't.
And then, they took my member in their hands - Yeah, OK, enough.
Enough! - And then, they - they began to take - No.
Travis, no more.
Let's - let's clam that up, OK? - Yeah, no, I think I think I'm with Mark on that one.
That sounds more like a sex dream - than a premonition, Travis.
- It was a little of both.
- Cool.
- OK not that I wanna hear anything more from you, but If you had that dream and you're convinced it's real, why would you still come here? I really want to be an actor.
Holy hell! That's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard in my life.
Why isn't he Creepy Ted? (insects chirping) (Andy): Idea for an article.
"Isolation.
" "Boredom.
" We are currently in an old I want to say Georgian house.
It is the middle of nowhere.
My feelings so far: nervousness and a penetrating dread plus some hunger that was staved off because Mark thought to bring peaches.
(whispering): My sisters and I want your seed.
(moaning) (soft chuckle) Oh, my God! Oh, Andy! Look! Look what's happening to the crotch of his pants.
I know what you want me to look at, Mark, - and I am not looking.
- (knocking) Gentlemen, it's time.
Oh no! Please, gentlemen, come join us in the circle.
Anne Hello, Anne.
Hi.
Hello, everyone.
- Nice to see you all again.
- Here in the presence of Vivian, the oldest living Anne, and in the name of Lucy Maud Montgomery, the "Creator", from whose pen sprung a world, we move into this new year with a ritual that we do every year: the twisting of the tongues.
- Unique New York.
- (all): Unique New York.
P-E-I, pizza pie.
(all): P-E-I, pizza pie.
And Anne had a plan to flummox the man! (all): Anne had a plan to flummox the man! - Inhale, Anne! - (all inhaling) (vocalizing): A-a-a-a-anne.
(all): A-a-a-a-a-anne.
Anne, be honest.
Do you ever think about leaving Green Gables? Oh, I don't know, Gilbert.
I maybe had a thought like that once.
But then, I looked around at all the green, all the gables and I remembered.
This is home.
Andy! Andy! Why don't you two kiss so I can watch? - (gasps) - Get out of here, Creepy Ted! Can't you see we don't want you? Why don't you make me, Gilbert? - Mayhaps I shall! - Hey! No, no, this is good.
Use the fear, use the fear.
Clearly, Gilbert is a stronger man than you but you, you're a proud old creep, aren't you? Aren't you, Ted? That's right, you proud old creep! - Fight me, you old bastard! - It's not in the script.
Forget the script! Use the moment! Come at me, Creepy Ted, you old bastard! Poor, old bastard! OK! Alright! Uh Screw you, Gilbert! Anne deserves better than you! Better than me? Like who, Creepy Ted? Like you? - Yes! Yes, like me! - With your receding hairline and your litany of magazine rejection letters? - Hey! - Oh, he doesn't like that! Creepy Ted doesn't like it! No, Creepy Ted doesn't like that! Well, come at me, Creepy Ted! Show me what you got! - Motherf! - Oh, yeah! Yeah! (screaming) Get off of me! (muffled speech) Get off of me! - (angry shout) - (gasps) How was that? That felt really good.
What's this? Oh, sorry.
I'm just using it to take some notes.
Notes.
You are - You're a spy? - What? No! I'm a writer.
What rival theatre company are you writing for? The Eastern Front? Charlottetown Players? Uh It's just for a magazine article or - LIAR! - Woah! Woah! Woah! OK! OK! OK! Ladies, I feel like there's been some sort of a misunderstanding here.
Andy's not a spy or anything interesting like that.
He's just a very boring writer who documents the history of potatoes, for instance.
And I'm also writing a semi-autobiographical novel.
Like I said, very boring.
- Holy moly! - It's my member you want.
- My member! - OK, Travis, I feel like you're misreading this situation, pal.
- (shrieking) - Maybe not! Maybe not! OK! I think Travis wanted that to happen! - Oh! Jesus - OK! Let's go! Go, go! - Go, go, go! - Come one! Come on! - Lock the door! - OK! OK! - (murmuring) - (shushing) Do you think they heard us come down? - I don't think so.
- This is it.
This is how I die.
Yeah.
Alone in a backwoods farmhouse murdered - by a bunch of Anne Shirleys.
- Who the hell is Shirley? That's Anne's last name.
You still haven't read the book? - When would I have read the book? - I don't know! - Browse a Wikipedia article! - (shushing) It's gonna be fine.
They don't know where we are.
Let's just wait till they go to bed and then sneak out the back.
- (banging) - OK.
They might know where we are.
Uh Give yourself over to the universe! What happens when your life is a toilet and the universe takes a big old dump? Oh, that's good.
You should write that one down, actually.
Travis was right, Mark.
We are going to die here.
No, Andy, Travis was wrong in every respect.
And I'm not dying tonight.
I can promise you that.
- Storm doors! - Are there storm doors? - There are storm doors.
- Oh, thank God! I was not ready to use this.
Let's go! - (grunting) - Oh, God - Aaaah! - Oh! OK - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! - (repeating): What? The car keys are in the house! Yes, the car keys are in the house! - I got this.
- What are you doing? (grunting) What are you doing? Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! I'm gonna break it so we can get in and we can drive away! I can't drive the car, OK? I don't have the car keys! Oh, you need them for the ignition.
- Yes, I need them for the ignition, Mark! - OK, I'm sorry, I forgot about that part.
- Woah! Just hotwire it! Hotwire the car! - Hotwire it? - I don't know how to hotwire a car! Touch the what? The wires? - Touch the Touch the - The wires together.
Touch the wires together! - The wires? Like they do in the movies? Like carjackers do in movies? - Yeah, yeah! - That's a movie, Mark! OK, well, I don't know what's movie and what's real! Oh, my God! Why didn't you think before you go around - smashing things with the heel of a sword?! - You say that like that's - a thing I do.
I did that once.
- Oh, my - Gentlemen! - Should sh-sh-should we run? Uh No.
- Don't worry, pal.
- What? - I got this.
- What are you doing? Annes, it's time for you to meet your Oh, crap, it's decorative! It's a decorative sword, Andy! - OK Hi! Here's the thing - Andrew You've broken a sacred trust here tonight.
We invited you into the fold and you repaid us with deceit.
This is your final warning: either tell us who you're working for or we will be forced to fire you from the play.
- Is that it? - Was that all that's gonna happen? - Creepy Ted! - (terrified moans) Creepy Ted! - (all exclaiming) - Vivian! I will not kiss in front of you, you creepy horse-tugger! I was standing there, like, what the hell is going on? And Andy starts screaming: "I'm not Creepy Ted!" (laughing) "I'm not Creepy Ted!" "Please, I'm not Creepy Ted!" - That is so adorable! - I'm gonna piss my pants! I'm telling you, it's really good to laugh again.
Shut up, Dr.
Green.
This is why I don't open myself up to the universe! Because nothing means anything! Travis opened himself up to the universe - and he got trampled to death! - Well, medically speaking, that's nearly to death.
How are you doing, partner? Better.
And at least, it took a whole pack of them to take me down.
(laughing) Hell yeah, Travis! That's my man! - You like Travis, now? - I'm coming around to him.
Oh Anyway, it looks like everything worked out in the end.
You guys will have to excuse me, though.
I have to inform a family that a loved one didn't make it, so Excuse me.
Hey! You guys wanna see some photos of that old lady taking out Andy? - Yeah! - You got photos? - Ow! - (laughing) - That that's it! Oh, woah! - Come on, man! That's That's his phone anyway.
Bryn's got mine.
(sighs) You can make your life a misery if you try