Celebrity Squares (2014) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
Hello, I'm Warwick Davis, and this is Celebrity Squares, the show that precariously balances celebrities three-by-three.
Hopefully, the scaffolding won't give way again.
They are the pun-slinger himself, Tim Vine.
Emmerdale star Lucy Pargeter.
Second-hand clothes and first-rate funnies, it's Joe Wilkinson.
Britain's Got Talent winners and now stars of their own movie, it's Ashleigh and Pudsey.
From the West End stage, Rufus Hound.
She's our very own brain box, Carol Vorderman.
Comedy favourite Roisin Conaty.
Funnyman Patrick Monahan.
And in the centre square tonight, the chairwoman of our board, it's Dame Edna Everage.
Hello, possums! (CHEERING) Ah, what a lovely looking set of squares.
Hello, squares! ALL: Hello, Warwick! There we are.
Wonderful.
Dame Edna Everage, look at you in the royal box right there in the centre square.
How are you feeling? It's lovely and I hope this is structurally sound.
Wouldn't it be a tragedy? What a loss of talent it would be? I haven't seen you, Ronnie, for so long, darling! Am I right? Yes, Dame.
Ronnie, it's not Ronnie Corbett It's not Ronnie, no Sorry.
Oh, yeah He's the shorter one.
Now, Dame Edna, you are a veteran, if that's how I can describe you.
You've been in the business 60 years.
I'm in a wonderful state of preservation, darling.
I know there are people out there and in the studio, too, today, who are saying: what is an international megastar like Edna doing on a comparatively down-market show.
You know, I, Warwick I'm wondering the same thing, darling.
How do you feel being in our centre square? You're the centre of attention.
Are you comfortable with that? I just wonder why there are so many other squares? I was thinking it could easily be called 'Celebrity Square'.
Thank you very much.
Dame Edna, everyone! We've met our celebrity squares, now let's meet tonight's contestants.
Representing the noughts, we have Emma.
Emma, tell our squares about yourself.
Hello, squares! ALL: Hello, Emma! My name is Emma, I'm 35, and I'm a part-time Marketing Assistant from Hull.
Lovely to meet you, Emma.
And you.
It's good to have you here.
Now, you're quite competitive, aren't you? A little bit.
No.
Very.
To the point where my friends call me Monica from Friends.
I don't like to lose.
Really.
Now, in what way you competitive? In your professional life or? No, more so in my personal life.
I've been known to have a few dance offs in my time.
Usually people, I could be just having a random dance off, people won't even know that they're in a dance off with me and usually my friends will have to pull me away.
Thank you very much.
Emma, everyone! Thank you.
Representing the crosses, we have Danny.
Introduce yourself to our squares.
Hello, Squares! ALL: Hello, Danny! Hi, Danny! My name's Danny, I'm 44 and I'm a Civil Servant from Blackpool.
So, Danny, what do you do in your spare time? I play lots of darts, and I referee professional darts matches for the PDC.
So you're a darts player.
Now, don't darts players have nicknames? Yeah Mine's The Pleasure.
The Pleasure! We don't wanna know why I do have to tell you though, I like a bit of darts and I have a nickname.
I'm the Archer cos I quite literally use a bow to fire at the darts.
If our squares If that was a dart board who would you go for? I would go for Dame Edna.
Would you? The bull's eye! I think that's a compliment, Dame Edna.
Well, I hope it was, Danny.
It was.
In which case I'm going to help you tonight.
Well, good luck to you both.
Our contestants, everyone! So here's how it works.
It's a simple game of noughts and crosses.
To win, our contestants need three squares in a row.
Either, up and down, like this across, like that or, diagonally, like this.
I'll ask our celebrities general knowledge questions.
Our contestants just need to work out if they've answered correctly.
If the contestant makes the right decision, they take that square.
If not, that square goes to their opponent.
For each square our contestants take, they'll win ?50.
Win a game and there's a bonus of ?500 up for grabs.
So, that's the rules done.
Let's start with game one.
So, Danny, you won the toss, so you get to go first.
I'd like to start by going with Dame Edna.
Here's your question, Dame Edna.
If I was looking at a cock-of-the-rock, a white-throated peewee and a point-tailed palm creeper, what would I be doing? Watching the adult channel perhaps? I hope not, Warwick.
No.
Wait a moment This is a funny experience, possums.
It's like being in an advent calendar, don't you think? Those are the names of flowers, would I be picking flowers? Ok.
Picking flowers.
What do you think, do you agree or disagree? I don't really know lot about flowers, but for some reason I was thinking maybe they were birds.
So I disagree.
You're right to disagree! Cross gets the square.
The answer is bird watching.
Right, Emma, it's your turn.
Can I go with Joe Wilkinson, please? Of course you can.
Joe, how's it being on the bottom row? I like it, it's nice I did ask for up there, but whatever But it's worked out all right cos I love this square, it's my it's me favourite.
Basically I wasn't going to say, but I prefer this one because it comes with a toasted cheese maker.
So I've done a few snacks, if anyone And a nasal hair trimmer.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) Can you be careful waving that around, Joe, please? But if anyone needs anything, I've got toffee apples down there as well.
Right, Joe.
In which UK county would you be in if you found yourself in Donkey Town? Err Erm, that's quite upsetting.
I, er Wherever it is, I don't want to be there.
This is basically because, I didn't want to say this, but I had quite an unpleasant experience with a donkey.
Which I don't really want to talk about.
Let's just put it this way - donkeys really fancy me.
Because of this fear, donkophobia .
.
I know it's in Surrey.
It's in Surrey, Emma.
Right, Emma.
What do you think? Do you agree or disagree with that? I have absolutely no idea.
But that's got good reasoning behind it, so I'm gonna agree.
You're right to agree! Nought gets the square.
Yes, they did try to have a town just for donkeys, but they were always off work sick because everyone was a little hoarse.
OK, Danny, it's your turn.
I'd like to try Carol Vorderman.
Carol Vorderman.
Hello, Carol.
Hi, Warwick.
Now I hear that recently you've managed to get your pilot's license.
I have.
Yeah That's terrific.
Just before Christmas.
So how do you find it, flying a plane? I love it.
I do it about four or five days a week now.
Really? It's like a full-time job really.
And I'm training and training and training, and next year I'm going to fly around the world solo for charity.
Oh, wow.
Well, I've actually started doing flying lessons myself.
Oh, fantastic! I did some this morning outside Tesco.
It's 50p for two minutes.
Right.
Where would you find the biggest muscle on your body? Well, I've probably got the biggest bottom in Britain.
But I wouldn't say there's actually a muscle in it, but, I do think that's where you'll find it.
I think I'll go for the glutes.
So you think the bum? I think the bum, yeah, basically.
So do you agree or disagree with that? Yeah, I think it's the bum and the thighs, so, yeah, I'd agree.
You're right to agree! Cross gets the square.
It is indeed, the bum.
Or if you're American, fanny, which is clearly the wrong way round, literally.
Emma, your turn.
I will go with Lucy Pargeter for the block, please.
Block it.
Let's block it.
Let's block it.
Let's block it.
Here we go Lucy.
What Sardinian delicacy is infused with maggots? Oh.
OK.
I suppose anything that you'll leave out the bin long enough Sardinian Sardinia I'm going to go for fish.
Lucy, your answer is fish.
Fish! Emma? I think I'm gonna agree.
Are you? Good girl! You are wrong to agree.
And that square is back in play, because you have to take the deciding square yourself.
The answer was in fact cheese.
Cheese? Yes.
Right, Danny your turn, Sir.
For the win, I'd like to go with Lucy Pargeter.
Here we go, Lucy.
What is Paul McCartney's first name? Paul? Right, my mum was a massive Beatles fan, so I think I actually do know this.
I think it's James Paul McCartney.
I don't know a lot about the Beatles, but I'll trust Lucy on this one and I'll agree.
You're right to agree.
Cross gets the square, wins the game and bonus of ?500.
Well done! That's right, the answer was James, but he decided to drop it for more showbizy name - Paul.
Right.
Let's see your totals so far.
Emma has ?50 and Danny has ?650.
Join us in part two when they'll be playing for more cash, and one of them could win a mystery prize.
AUDIENCE: Oooh! I know! Be there and be square.
Welcome back to Celebrity Squares, the show with so many celebrities we have to pack 'em in boxes.
Now, before the break we met Emma from Hull and Danny from Blackpool.
Now, Danny, you're from Blackpool, which I like to call the Vegas of the UK.
Right, yes.
Have you ever met any famous people there? I was once working in a social club in Blackpool, and they had the Labour Party conference, and I served Bill Clinton.
Wow.
I kept the glass He didn't like it, he asked for a pint of the local stuff You kept his glass? I've still got the glass.
What do you do with it? Never washed it, it's on a shelf at home.
You exhibit it do you? Yeah, Bill Clinton's had it.
I'd do the same with Monica Lewinsky.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
Now, Emma, you also run a cake making business.
I do.
What sort of things do you create? I've done castles, I've done planes, probably the strangest one would be a great white eating a person.
A shark eating a person? Yes.
Was that for a children's birthday party? It was for a nine-year-old.
Why did he have a fascination for things like that? I have no idea, I just do what the customer asks I shouldn't say that.
My problem with cakes is that I always end up with a soggy bottom.
I must be allergic.
Right, now, it's time for game two! Which works just like game one except hidden out there is a mystery square.
If a contestant takes the mystery square, they'll win a prize related to that celebrity.
It's now time to release the squares.
Now for you at home, here's who it is.
So, Emma, you're playing catch up, so it's your turn to go first.
I will go for Dame Edna, please.
Dame Edna, if you had a slippery jack in your mouth, what would you be eating? I happen to know the answer to that one.
There is a new invention, it's an Australian invention, it's a heat-seeking denture.
And it's called a slippery jack.
How does that work? Well, you just put it on the bedside table .
.
and in the morning you just look at it and open your mouth.
So you're saying a slippery jack is a denture? That's what I've told to you, you don't need to repeat what I've just said.
Emma, what do you make of that, do you agree or disagree? Erm, it's not something I've heard of before, and although that does sound plausible, I am going to have to disagree.
(GASPS) You're right to disagree, nought gets the square.
The correct answer is mushrooms.
Right, Danny, your turn, sir.
I'd like to try Patrick Monahan.
Oh, God, good luck, Danny.
Hello, Patrick.
Hello, Warwick, hello, how you doing? So you do a bit of comedy for, not only adults but children as well! And what's the worst heckle you've had from a child? Oh, 'You're my Dad.
' It can't be proven, it can't be proven! Right, here's your question.
What occupation did notorious gangster Al Capone's business card list him as having? Wow, that's a good question.
I'll be honest, I have watched quite a lot gangster films growing up.
I watched the Al Capone one, so I might be able to help you.
I'd probably say second-hand furniture dealer.
I think that could possibly be right.
I'd agree.
You're right to agree, so cross gets the square.
Yes, he was a furniture dealer, and it's a well known fact that he was brought down by the 'MFI'.
Right, Emma, where would you like to go? Can I go with Rufus Hound, please? Very daring of you.
Hello, Rufus! Hello, Warwick! Great to have you here.
Well, it's lovely to be here.
Now at the moment you're starring in musical theatre.
That's correct.
You're enjoying the experience? Oh, very much.
Of course you get to do comedy as well while singing.
Very much the aim of the game is to entertain people, Warwick.
Yes.
So I'll do the occasional joke, I'll sing a song, I'll move rhythmically and repeat until the applause begins.
What's the name of your lovely show? I'm in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.
I love that show and you are excellent in it.
I nearly came backstage to give you my autograph, but I decided against it.
It's a bit like a disturbing Romeo and Juliet that's going on here.
Right, in Moroccan cuisine, what is a fekka? A fekka in Moroccan cuisine, it's couscous, grab a handful of coriander, some local vegetables, you boil it for about half an hour, and then you add whatever meat you want.
It's a sort of stew made in a tajine.
Right, a very concise answer there from Rufus.
It sounds like he knows his stuff, so I think I'm gonna agree.
You're wrong to agree, so cross gets the square.
Never heard of it.
Never.
Literally, no idea what that was at all.
Thanks for playing.
Fekka is a Moroccan biscuit.
Right.
Over to you, Danny.
I would like to try Tim Vine.
Why not, come on! Hello, Tim! Warwick, how are you? You, sir, are a comedian.
You've done your research.
And you're up there on a top row.
Are you quite an adventurous sort? Yes.
I am very adventurous.
The other day I got lost in a jungle, luckily I had a compass with me, so I was able to draw perfect circles with a pencil.
Right.
Tim.
In 2012, Pope Benedict XVI joined Twitter using which handle? I know a bit about the Pope.
I know what his first name is: 'The'.
And I've been to where he's from.
I went to a karaoke night at the Vatican.
London, Paris, New York, Munich, everybody talk about Pope music.
And I reckon there are a lot of people pretending to be the Pope, so I think his Twitter handle, and this is a feeling, I'm pretty sure about this I think it's @realpope.
I don't know a lot about the Pope or Twitter.
Ah.
I'm gonna to disagree with Tim.
You're right to disagree, so cross gets the square.
The answer was @Pontifex.
Now this is the biggest thing in religious social networking since Judas unfollowed Jesus.
Emma, it's your turn.
Where would you like to go? I'll go with Roisin Conaty for the block, please.
Roisin! Hello, Warwick.
How are you? I'm very well, thanks.
Good.
Thanks for being here.
Now you present the show called Impractical Jokers.
Yes.
Are you ever the butt of a practical joke or do you always like playing pranks on other people? I like phoning my mum up quite a lot and just pranking her.
Bless her.
Do you find people expect you to do that though because of the show that you do? No, I broke my arm once though and I asked some teenage boys to help me get the keys out of my pocket, and they thought I was pranking them and they wouldn't help me.
Right.
In a recent survey, approximately two-thirds of tradesmen admitted to relieving themselves where? Great Yarmouth? All over the toilet seat? I reckon in the shower.
In the shower.
I reckon.
I'd reckon they would do a hard day's work, and then have wee in the shower.
I don't know Emma, do you agree or disagree with it being in the shower? I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree, so nought gets the square.
So two out of three tradesmen admits relieving themselves in the sink.
You think that's bad, you should hear where the other one goes Danny, your turn.
For the block, I think I'd like to try Joe Wilkinson.
Joe, earlier this year, which TV personality was presented with a 12ft gorilla statue made of spoons? I know this one, Joe! A swap? What you on about? That's ridiculous.
It happened.
Hope he kept the receipt.
Spoons.
That oddball who likes spoons, Uri Gellar.
It's probably the only person that I could think of that uses spoons, so I would agree with Joe Wilkinson.
You're right to agree, cross gets the square! Emma, your turn.
I'm gonna go for a block with Lucy Pargeter.
OK, Lucy, here's your question.
According to a survey by a men's grooming brand, what does the average man spend 60 hours doing each year? (CHUCKLES) 60 hours a year? Yes.
I'm gonna go inspired by you Thank you.
Of course.
Trimming their nostril hair.
I'm not entirely sure it requires that length of time over a year, so I'm gonna disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Nought gets the square.
The average man spends 60 hours a year shaving.
It doesn't surprise me.
I didn't shave for a year and this happened.
Right, Danny, your turn.
For the win, I would like to try Ashleigh and Pudsey.
Ah, here we go.
Well done, Danny.
You've found the mystery square! (CHEERING) Now, Pudsey, could you please reveal the prize.
Come on then, Pudsey.
Come on.
Here he comes.
All right.
Good boy, thank you.
Thank you.
Look at this.
He's brought me a message And he's left me a message down there.
Right.
So, Danny, if you get this right, thanks to my friends at Vue cinemas you'll get VIP passes for whole year to see as many films as you fancy.
Here we go, Ashleigh and Pudsey, your question.
According to a British survey of late 2012, what age are you when you're officially a grown-up? Oh, it's a survey so it's people's opinions, isn't it? Well, I'm 19 now, and when I turned 18, everyone said I was an adult then and you can drink and other stuff My mum's in the audience so let's not talk about that Why? Is she's really against you riding a motorbike? I would probably go for 18.
Yeah.
Since Ashleigh is probably closer to their age than I am, I would agree.
You're wrong to agree.
So nought gets the square.
The answer is in fact 28! Look at me.
44.
Still not grown up.
So your turn, Emma.
I'll go with Carol Vorderman for the win, please.
Here we go Carol, no pressure.
The government recently announced that in 2017 a new one pound coin will be put into circulation, but how many sides will it have? 12! She looks very confident so I'm going to agree.
You are right to agree! Nought gets the square, wins that game plus a bonus of ?500.
Well done, Emma.
Yes, your one pound coins will be useless in three years time, so the government insist to dispose them by sending them to a Mr W Davies, care of ITV Studios.
Right.
Let's have a look at your total so far.
Emma, you're on ?750 and Danny you've got ?800.
Now it's time for game three .
.
which we call Square Essentials.
The squares will read statements about themselves.
Our contestant will agree if they think they tell the truth and disagree if they think they're telling a porky.
Now, Emma, you're playing catch up so you get to pick first.
OK.
I will go with Tim Vine, please.
It's just you're so far away, wait a minute Which one of you is talking at the moment? Right, this is it.
I was the first man to appear on Channel Five.
I will agree? You're right to agree! So nought gets the square.
Well done.
So, Tim The Spice Girls were on first, but I was the first man, that's the main thing.
But why you? I mean, no disrespect Well, that's a question you'd have to ask Maybe they just got to V on the alphabet and they thought, this guy is not busy.
Right.
It's your turn, Danny.
I'd like to try Carol Vorderman.
Would you now? Thank you, Carol, let's hear your Square Essential.
The number I dislike the most is the number nine.
I'm gonna disagree.
You're right to disagree, so cross gets the square.
Carol doesn't discriminate against the numbers, she likes them all equally.
Oh! Right.
Emma, your turn.
Can I go with Patrick Monahan, please? All right, Patrick.
Let's hear it.
OK.
I love taxidermy budgies, and I love so many stuffed birds that I've got 12 in my house.
I'm really disturbed by that statement.
I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree, so nought gets the square.
Well done.
Danny, your turn.
I'll have Roisin for the block, please.
Roisin, here we go.
I once got locked inside an industrial fridge.
I think if you're playing pranks then I think that could be true, so I'm going to agree.
You're right to agree, so cross gets the square and the block.
Now, Roisin, what were you doing inside a fridge? I was bunking off school.
It was outside of an Indian restaurant and the teacher was coming, and so I jumped into fridge and it didn't open from the inside so I was there for about half an hour.
You didn't go hungry though, did you? No.
Don't bunk off school, guys.
All right, Emma, your turn.
I'll go with Rufus Hound for the block, please.
Here we go Rufus.
Let's hear it.
My hidden talent is I can throw things in the air, and catch them in my mouth, but I can throw them really high.
How high? Warwick standing on Danny's shoulders.
I think that's probably true, so I'll agree with that one.
You're right to agree.
Nought gets the square and the block! Well done.
OK, Danny, your turn.
For the block, I'd like to try Dame Edna.
Here we go, Dame Edna.
Please, let's hear your Square Essential.
A long time ago, Danny, I fell off England.
Just let your mind wrestle with that one You fell off England? I fell off England.
What do you mean? I was on little holiday in Cornwall, and I put my foot on a slimy, old stone, and I slipped and I flew off a cliff! And I That was England, the cliff represented England.
I see.
And I sat there until the entire cast of the Pirates of Penzance turned up, and there was a helicopter and they winched me up, and they saved my life and I have lived to tell the tale.
That's lovely.
If it happened exactly like that, I'm going to disagree.
You're wrong to disagree.
Oh, yes.
Dear, oh dear, so that square remains in play.
You are wrong, possum! Absolutely.
What a horrible person you are.
Emma, where would you like to go? I will go with Dame Edna for the win, please.
Emma, I was once featured on a stamp, a postage stamp in Australia.
It was thrilling, really, and it's a beautiful stamp, it's a collectable.
And it was lovely for me to be licked and .
.
and attached to a first class mail.
It was wonderful.
Right.
Do you agree or disagree with that? I think that's believable, I would agree with that.
You're right to agree so nought gets the square and wins that game! Right, let's have a look at the total so far.
Emma has ?1.
450.
and Danny has ?900.
Join us in part three when there's more cash up for grabs, and somebody could win a fantastic holiday.
Be there and be square! Welcome back to Celebrity Squares, the show with more stars than Mystic Meg's bedroom wall.
So, squares, how you doing? Very well.
Very good.
Yeah.
Fabulous, how's Pudsey doing there? He's just staring at his treats at the moment, look at him.
He is, isn't he? I think he's wiling them to come towards him.
There's something I've worked out I can do with these binoculars.
If you wanna wind someone up, wait until they've finished using the cash point and then you go up and say, sorry, was the last number an eight or a three? Right, now, it's time for game four.
Which we call Square Miles.
Hidden out there, we have another mystery square.
If a contestant finds it, they could win a fabulous holiday to this destination.
You and a friend could be visiting Catalunya Square in Barcelona, and take in the vibrant culture and stunning architecture of the city, courtesy of British Airways Holidays and K&K Picasso Hotel.
How lovely.
Right, now, it's time to release the squares.
For you at home, here is the mystery square.
Right, Danny, you're playing catch up, so you get to go first.
Err, can I start with Joe Wilkinson? Course you can.
Here we go, Joe.
What is the Carolina Reaper? Eh? Erm, coincidentally that is the name of one of the elderly women that come to my zumba class.
I run, err, it's irrelevant but I run a nude zumba class.
Some of the things I've seen is horrific.
And she told she's named after a poisonous spider.
Factoid.
I'm thinking it's a bit too far north for a poisonous spider, so I'm gonna say I disagree.
You're right to disagree, so cross get's the square.
The answer is the world's hottest chilli.
If you eat one then forget to wash your hands before going to the loo, then believe me the Carolina Reaper, won't be the only thing that's bright red and very hot.
Emma, your turn.
Can I go with Roisin Conaty, please? Here we go, Roisin.
What would you be playing if you're trying to avoid Blinky, Pinky, and Inky? Characters from Made In Chelsea? Erm a board game.
A board game.
I'm not entirely sure, so I'm gonna disagree with that.
You're right to disagree, so nought gets the square.
You would in fact be playing Pacman.
Blinky, Pinky, and Inky were the ghosts chasing Pacman, or so he claims.
When you've eaten that many pills, as he had, it could have been anything.
Right, Danny, your turn.
Lucy Pargeter, please.
Hey, Danny.
Hi.
Here we go, Lucy.
How long did it take Michelangelo to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel? I know this one.
Four years.
Right, how's your history? Erm, it's OK, unless you ask me about Michelangelo.
But she looked confident when she said that so I'm gonna agree.
You're right to agree so cross gets the square, well done.
Right, Emma, it's your turn.
I'll go with Tim Vine for the block.
AUDIENCE: Oooooh! Well done, Emma, you've found the mystery square.
Now to remind you if you take this square, you'll be going on that holiday, OK? So good luck.
Do you know who you're taking with you, Emma? Get it right and we'll see.
Right, Tim.
If I have hair on my philtrum, which part of my body would I need to shave? Your philtrum.
My philtrum.
No, you'd have to shave your philtrum.
These questions are too easy, to be honest, Warwick.
This is something I do know a little bit about, and I'm pretty confident of it.
I think, Emma, for the holiday, I think it's the ear lobe.
I'm gonna agree.
You're wrong to agree, so that square stays in play and you don't win the holiday.
EDNA: I know the answer! I know the answer.
Do you, Dame Edna? It's the mucus canal.
It's that groove between your nose and your mouth, in the middle.
That's exactly right, Dame Edna, well done, thank you for sharing.
Right, Danny.
Your turn, please choose a square.
For the win, Tim Vine.
Yes, Danny, here we go.
Here we go, Tim.
According to the Global Peace Index, what is the most peaceful country in the world.
Well, there's two countries fighting it out for this.
I don't actually know, but I've got an inkling that I've read this somewhere, so I have a feeling it's Switzerland.
Right, what do you think about that? With the Geneva convention and everything, I would think Switzerland, I agree.
Ah, you're wrong to agree so nought gets the square.
The correct answer is Iceland.
Right, Emma, your turn.
Right, can I go with Patrick Monahan for the win, please? You can indeed.
Here we go Patrick.
Good luck, Emma.
What word come from the Greek term that means 'to exercise naked'? Erm well if you look at sport originally, they used to do the Olympics naked, so that's how they used to start.
But they had to stop that cos obviously in the relay race, people kept grabbing the wrong baton.
But I would probably say gymnasium or gym.
So, Emma, do you ever exercise naked - Hang on.
Sorry, did I say that out loud? So Patrick thinks it's gymnasium.
Hang on! So do you agree or disagree with Patrick? Erm, I'm going to disagree.
You're wrong to disagree, the answer was gymnasium so cross gets the square.
Right, Danny, your turn.
Er, I'd like to try Ashley and Pudsey.
Ashley and, of course, Pudsey, you've got a film coming out, what's it called? It's called 'Pudsey the Dog The Movie', coming out the 18th July.
And, yeah, it's a fictional story, and Pudsey saves the day, basically.
Good ol' Pudsey, yeah.
Don't ruin the bloody ending! Sorry! He may or may not save the day! Yeah, there we go, that's it.
That's how stories work.
He might die! He might die.
Pudsey might die.
He might.
We don't know, that is the wonder of the beginning, the adventure of the narrative.
It's a kids film, everybody.
It's a kids film.
Now I hear, since being in a movie, Pudsey's actually getting a little bit big for his boots, and he actually has someone else to sniff bums for him, is that right? Right, here's your question.
In which novel might you find pigs called Snowball and Napoleon? I know this one, because I read the book, well, a couple of years ago now, but it's Animal Farm.
Right, do you read books? Not many, but Napoleon rings a bell from Animal Farm, so I'm gonna agree.
You're right to agree, so cross gets the square.
Right, Emma, your turn.
I'm gonna go with Dame Edna for the block, please.
Here we go, Dame Edna.
According to a European survey, what do Britons rate themselves the worst at in Europe? Using the bidet.
We don't know what it is.
I thought it was sink, to be honest.
I hope you haven't had any work men round recently.
So Dame Edna's saying a bidet.
Do you agree or disagree with that? I think it's something to do with speaking a foreign languages, so I'm gonna disagree.
You're right to disagree, so nought gets the square.
The correct answer was in fact sex.
OK, Danny, please choose a square now.
For the win, I'd like to try Rufus Hound.
Right, here we go, Rufus.
What would you have in your hand if you're holding a hooker's onion? I don't know, but the next thing I'm doing is checking for an adam's apple.
What you would have in your hand is a gardening tool.
A gardening tool, right.
I've got no idea what it is, but that doesn't sound very convincing to me.
I'm gonna disagree.
You're right to disagree, so cross gets the square, wins the game, and a bonus of ?500.
Well done.
The answer is a flower.
Let's have a look at your totals so far.
Emma, you've won ?1.
550.
and, Danny, you've got ?1.
600.
Right, it's time for game five.
The Double Square game.
Now, we're doubling the money for each square won.
They are now worth ?100 each, and for winning the game, there is a bonus of ?1.
000.
But be aware, this a quick fire round, so if you hear this sound (KLAXON) .
.
the game is over, and the contestant with the most squares on the board will win the game and the bonus of ?1.
000.
Right, so, Emma, you're playing catch up, you get to go first.
I'll go with Joe Wilkinson, please.
Here we go, Joe, who was once described as the face that launched a thousand ships? Face that launched a thousand ships.
Who do we know with a bruised face? Erm, I know this, Cleopatra.
I agree.
You're wrong to agree, so cross gets the square.
It was in fact Helen of Troy.
Right, Danny, your turn.
JOE: That's it, yep, yep.
Er, I'd like to try Tim Vine.
OK, Danny.
Which British Prime Minister also won the Nobel Prize for literature? Now you've done right to choose me here Danny, because I know about a lot about world leaders.
At the moment, I'm reading My Life by Bill Clinton, which freaked me out, because I didn't know he knew anything about me.
I think the answer is Neville Chamberlain.
It sounds convincing to me, I'm gonna agree.
You're wrong to agree, it was Winston Churchill, so nought gets that square.
Right, Emma, your turn.
Patrick Monahan, please.
Good luck.
In cosmetic surgery, if you've had an Otoplasty, what no longer sticks out? Well, looking at the audience, I think there's a few people who have had it.
I would say it is, erm Cosmetic surgery, I would say breasts.
I'm pretty sure that's breast reduction if they're going down, but I'm gonna disagree.
You're right to disagree, nought gets the square, the answer was your ears.
(KLAXON) Well, there's the klaxon, which means it's the end of the game.
Now, Emma, you have the most squares on the board, which means you get the bonus of ?1.
000.
So let's reveal the contestant with the most cash who's going through to our final.
Danny, you have ?1.
600 and, Emma, you have ?2.
650.
Congratulations, Emma, you're going through to our final game.
Unfortunately, Danny, we're gonna have to say goodbye to you, now you're going to be taking away ?1.
600.
Have you had fun? I've had a fantastic day, thank you.
Terrific.
Danny, everyone.
Join us in part four when Emma could walk away with that ?20.
000 jackpot.
Don't you go anywhere.
Welcome back to Celebrity Squares where Emma has made it through to our final game: Question Line.
Well done, Emma, congratulations on getting this far.
Thank you.
How do you feel? Excited.
So you're competitive Extremely.
.
.
and you got to the final.
I know.
So if you won tonight, would you put any of your winnings back into your cupcake business? Yeah, I would love to take it from my kitchen to an actual shop, that would be a dream.
So an actual shop you'd like to have? That would be a dream, yeah.
Lovely.
Well, best of luck to you, it's now time to play Question Line.
OK, here's your line of questioning.
You have: Lucy Pargeter .
.
Dame Edna Everage and Carol Vorderman.
And here are their subjects: I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, The Royal Family, and Rear Of The Year.
Which category would you like? Erm, I think I'm gonna go with .
.
I'm A Celebrity.
Right, why have you chosen that category? I always watch it, every year.
Probably one of the highlights of the year, besides this obviously.
OK, well, best of luck.
We're all rooting for you.
OK, here we go.
Last year, Lucy finished third in I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.
I need you to name other celebrities who have also finished in the top three since the show began in 2002.
Now, I'll need the first name and surname.
OK.
You have 30 seconds to light up as many squares as possible.
Each lit square wins you ?1.
000.
Light all 9 squares and you'll take home that ?20.
000 jackpot.
Now just remember to wait until I've said yes or no before you move on to your next answer.
Are you ready? I think so.
Your time starts now.
Dougie Poynter? Yes.
Mark Wright? Yes.
Lucy Pargeter? Nope.
Erm, who else has won? I've gone completely blank.
David Guest? Nope.
Remember, it's top three.
Yeah, erm Kian Egan? Yes.
Who else has been Kerry Katona? Yes.
Erm, who else has won? Erm (KLAXON) Well, congratulations, Emma, you managed to light four squares which wins you ?4.
000.
Thank you.
Here's a few you could of had: Carol Thatcher, Ashley Roberts, Jenny Eclair, Joe Pasquale, Gino D'acampo, Phil Tufnell.
Lucy, do you remember any? -Er, yeah, David was in the top three this year.
That's David Haye.
Well, let's take that ?4.
000.
to the money you've already won, which gives you a grand total of ?6.
650.
Well done.
Thank you.
That's it for tonight.
Thanks to Emma, our Celebrity Squares Thank you, squares! And, of course, to you at home for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Good night.
And here's who will be joining us next week on Celebrity Squares.
Hopefully, the scaffolding won't give way again.
They are the pun-slinger himself, Tim Vine.
Emmerdale star Lucy Pargeter.
Second-hand clothes and first-rate funnies, it's Joe Wilkinson.
Britain's Got Talent winners and now stars of their own movie, it's Ashleigh and Pudsey.
From the West End stage, Rufus Hound.
She's our very own brain box, Carol Vorderman.
Comedy favourite Roisin Conaty.
Funnyman Patrick Monahan.
And in the centre square tonight, the chairwoman of our board, it's Dame Edna Everage.
Hello, possums! (CHEERING) Ah, what a lovely looking set of squares.
Hello, squares! ALL: Hello, Warwick! There we are.
Wonderful.
Dame Edna Everage, look at you in the royal box right there in the centre square.
How are you feeling? It's lovely and I hope this is structurally sound.
Wouldn't it be a tragedy? What a loss of talent it would be? I haven't seen you, Ronnie, for so long, darling! Am I right? Yes, Dame.
Ronnie, it's not Ronnie Corbett It's not Ronnie, no Sorry.
Oh, yeah He's the shorter one.
Now, Dame Edna, you are a veteran, if that's how I can describe you.
You've been in the business 60 years.
I'm in a wonderful state of preservation, darling.
I know there are people out there and in the studio, too, today, who are saying: what is an international megastar like Edna doing on a comparatively down-market show.
You know, I, Warwick I'm wondering the same thing, darling.
How do you feel being in our centre square? You're the centre of attention.
Are you comfortable with that? I just wonder why there are so many other squares? I was thinking it could easily be called 'Celebrity Square'.
Thank you very much.
Dame Edna, everyone! We've met our celebrity squares, now let's meet tonight's contestants.
Representing the noughts, we have Emma.
Emma, tell our squares about yourself.
Hello, squares! ALL: Hello, Emma! My name is Emma, I'm 35, and I'm a part-time Marketing Assistant from Hull.
Lovely to meet you, Emma.
And you.
It's good to have you here.
Now, you're quite competitive, aren't you? A little bit.
No.
Very.
To the point where my friends call me Monica from Friends.
I don't like to lose.
Really.
Now, in what way you competitive? In your professional life or? No, more so in my personal life.
I've been known to have a few dance offs in my time.
Usually people, I could be just having a random dance off, people won't even know that they're in a dance off with me and usually my friends will have to pull me away.
Thank you very much.
Emma, everyone! Thank you.
Representing the crosses, we have Danny.
Introduce yourself to our squares.
Hello, Squares! ALL: Hello, Danny! Hi, Danny! My name's Danny, I'm 44 and I'm a Civil Servant from Blackpool.
So, Danny, what do you do in your spare time? I play lots of darts, and I referee professional darts matches for the PDC.
So you're a darts player.
Now, don't darts players have nicknames? Yeah Mine's The Pleasure.
The Pleasure! We don't wanna know why I do have to tell you though, I like a bit of darts and I have a nickname.
I'm the Archer cos I quite literally use a bow to fire at the darts.
If our squares If that was a dart board who would you go for? I would go for Dame Edna.
Would you? The bull's eye! I think that's a compliment, Dame Edna.
Well, I hope it was, Danny.
It was.
In which case I'm going to help you tonight.
Well, good luck to you both.
Our contestants, everyone! So here's how it works.
It's a simple game of noughts and crosses.
To win, our contestants need three squares in a row.
Either, up and down, like this across, like that or, diagonally, like this.
I'll ask our celebrities general knowledge questions.
Our contestants just need to work out if they've answered correctly.
If the contestant makes the right decision, they take that square.
If not, that square goes to their opponent.
For each square our contestants take, they'll win ?50.
Win a game and there's a bonus of ?500 up for grabs.
So, that's the rules done.
Let's start with game one.
So, Danny, you won the toss, so you get to go first.
I'd like to start by going with Dame Edna.
Here's your question, Dame Edna.
If I was looking at a cock-of-the-rock, a white-throated peewee and a point-tailed palm creeper, what would I be doing? Watching the adult channel perhaps? I hope not, Warwick.
No.
Wait a moment This is a funny experience, possums.
It's like being in an advent calendar, don't you think? Those are the names of flowers, would I be picking flowers? Ok.
Picking flowers.
What do you think, do you agree or disagree? I don't really know lot about flowers, but for some reason I was thinking maybe they were birds.
So I disagree.
You're right to disagree! Cross gets the square.
The answer is bird watching.
Right, Emma, it's your turn.
Can I go with Joe Wilkinson, please? Of course you can.
Joe, how's it being on the bottom row? I like it, it's nice I did ask for up there, but whatever But it's worked out all right cos I love this square, it's my it's me favourite.
Basically I wasn't going to say, but I prefer this one because it comes with a toasted cheese maker.
So I've done a few snacks, if anyone And a nasal hair trimmer.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) Can you be careful waving that around, Joe, please? But if anyone needs anything, I've got toffee apples down there as well.
Right, Joe.
In which UK county would you be in if you found yourself in Donkey Town? Err Erm, that's quite upsetting.
I, er Wherever it is, I don't want to be there.
This is basically because, I didn't want to say this, but I had quite an unpleasant experience with a donkey.
Which I don't really want to talk about.
Let's just put it this way - donkeys really fancy me.
Because of this fear, donkophobia .
.
I know it's in Surrey.
It's in Surrey, Emma.
Right, Emma.
What do you think? Do you agree or disagree with that? I have absolutely no idea.
But that's got good reasoning behind it, so I'm gonna agree.
You're right to agree! Nought gets the square.
Yes, they did try to have a town just for donkeys, but they were always off work sick because everyone was a little hoarse.
OK, Danny, it's your turn.
I'd like to try Carol Vorderman.
Carol Vorderman.
Hello, Carol.
Hi, Warwick.
Now I hear that recently you've managed to get your pilot's license.
I have.
Yeah That's terrific.
Just before Christmas.
So how do you find it, flying a plane? I love it.
I do it about four or five days a week now.
Really? It's like a full-time job really.
And I'm training and training and training, and next year I'm going to fly around the world solo for charity.
Oh, wow.
Well, I've actually started doing flying lessons myself.
Oh, fantastic! I did some this morning outside Tesco.
It's 50p for two minutes.
Right.
Where would you find the biggest muscle on your body? Well, I've probably got the biggest bottom in Britain.
But I wouldn't say there's actually a muscle in it, but, I do think that's where you'll find it.
I think I'll go for the glutes.
So you think the bum? I think the bum, yeah, basically.
So do you agree or disagree with that? Yeah, I think it's the bum and the thighs, so, yeah, I'd agree.
You're right to agree! Cross gets the square.
It is indeed, the bum.
Or if you're American, fanny, which is clearly the wrong way round, literally.
Emma, your turn.
I will go with Lucy Pargeter for the block, please.
Block it.
Let's block it.
Let's block it.
Let's block it.
Here we go Lucy.
What Sardinian delicacy is infused with maggots? Oh.
OK.
I suppose anything that you'll leave out the bin long enough Sardinian Sardinia I'm going to go for fish.
Lucy, your answer is fish.
Fish! Emma? I think I'm gonna agree.
Are you? Good girl! You are wrong to agree.
And that square is back in play, because you have to take the deciding square yourself.
The answer was in fact cheese.
Cheese? Yes.
Right, Danny your turn, Sir.
For the win, I'd like to go with Lucy Pargeter.
Here we go, Lucy.
What is Paul McCartney's first name? Paul? Right, my mum was a massive Beatles fan, so I think I actually do know this.
I think it's James Paul McCartney.
I don't know a lot about the Beatles, but I'll trust Lucy on this one and I'll agree.
You're right to agree.
Cross gets the square, wins the game and bonus of ?500.
Well done! That's right, the answer was James, but he decided to drop it for more showbizy name - Paul.
Right.
Let's see your totals so far.
Emma has ?50 and Danny has ?650.
Join us in part two when they'll be playing for more cash, and one of them could win a mystery prize.
AUDIENCE: Oooh! I know! Be there and be square.
Welcome back to Celebrity Squares, the show with so many celebrities we have to pack 'em in boxes.
Now, before the break we met Emma from Hull and Danny from Blackpool.
Now, Danny, you're from Blackpool, which I like to call the Vegas of the UK.
Right, yes.
Have you ever met any famous people there? I was once working in a social club in Blackpool, and they had the Labour Party conference, and I served Bill Clinton.
Wow.
I kept the glass He didn't like it, he asked for a pint of the local stuff You kept his glass? I've still got the glass.
What do you do with it? Never washed it, it's on a shelf at home.
You exhibit it do you? Yeah, Bill Clinton's had it.
I'd do the same with Monica Lewinsky.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
Now, Emma, you also run a cake making business.
I do.
What sort of things do you create? I've done castles, I've done planes, probably the strangest one would be a great white eating a person.
A shark eating a person? Yes.
Was that for a children's birthday party? It was for a nine-year-old.
Why did he have a fascination for things like that? I have no idea, I just do what the customer asks I shouldn't say that.
My problem with cakes is that I always end up with a soggy bottom.
I must be allergic.
Right, now, it's time for game two! Which works just like game one except hidden out there is a mystery square.
If a contestant takes the mystery square, they'll win a prize related to that celebrity.
It's now time to release the squares.
Now for you at home, here's who it is.
So, Emma, you're playing catch up, so it's your turn to go first.
I will go for Dame Edna, please.
Dame Edna, if you had a slippery jack in your mouth, what would you be eating? I happen to know the answer to that one.
There is a new invention, it's an Australian invention, it's a heat-seeking denture.
And it's called a slippery jack.
How does that work? Well, you just put it on the bedside table .
.
and in the morning you just look at it and open your mouth.
So you're saying a slippery jack is a denture? That's what I've told to you, you don't need to repeat what I've just said.
Emma, what do you make of that, do you agree or disagree? Erm, it's not something I've heard of before, and although that does sound plausible, I am going to have to disagree.
(GASPS) You're right to disagree, nought gets the square.
The correct answer is mushrooms.
Right, Danny, your turn, sir.
I'd like to try Patrick Monahan.
Oh, God, good luck, Danny.
Hello, Patrick.
Hello, Warwick, hello, how you doing? So you do a bit of comedy for, not only adults but children as well! And what's the worst heckle you've had from a child? Oh, 'You're my Dad.
' It can't be proven, it can't be proven! Right, here's your question.
What occupation did notorious gangster Al Capone's business card list him as having? Wow, that's a good question.
I'll be honest, I have watched quite a lot gangster films growing up.
I watched the Al Capone one, so I might be able to help you.
I'd probably say second-hand furniture dealer.
I think that could possibly be right.
I'd agree.
You're right to agree, so cross gets the square.
Yes, he was a furniture dealer, and it's a well known fact that he was brought down by the 'MFI'.
Right, Emma, where would you like to go? Can I go with Rufus Hound, please? Very daring of you.
Hello, Rufus! Hello, Warwick! Great to have you here.
Well, it's lovely to be here.
Now at the moment you're starring in musical theatre.
That's correct.
You're enjoying the experience? Oh, very much.
Of course you get to do comedy as well while singing.
Very much the aim of the game is to entertain people, Warwick.
Yes.
So I'll do the occasional joke, I'll sing a song, I'll move rhythmically and repeat until the applause begins.
What's the name of your lovely show? I'm in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.
I love that show and you are excellent in it.
I nearly came backstage to give you my autograph, but I decided against it.
It's a bit like a disturbing Romeo and Juliet that's going on here.
Right, in Moroccan cuisine, what is a fekka? A fekka in Moroccan cuisine, it's couscous, grab a handful of coriander, some local vegetables, you boil it for about half an hour, and then you add whatever meat you want.
It's a sort of stew made in a tajine.
Right, a very concise answer there from Rufus.
It sounds like he knows his stuff, so I think I'm gonna agree.
You're wrong to agree, so cross gets the square.
Never heard of it.
Never.
Literally, no idea what that was at all.
Thanks for playing.
Fekka is a Moroccan biscuit.
Right.
Over to you, Danny.
I would like to try Tim Vine.
Why not, come on! Hello, Tim! Warwick, how are you? You, sir, are a comedian.
You've done your research.
And you're up there on a top row.
Are you quite an adventurous sort? Yes.
I am very adventurous.
The other day I got lost in a jungle, luckily I had a compass with me, so I was able to draw perfect circles with a pencil.
Right.
Tim.
In 2012, Pope Benedict XVI joined Twitter using which handle? I know a bit about the Pope.
I know what his first name is: 'The'.
And I've been to where he's from.
I went to a karaoke night at the Vatican.
London, Paris, New York, Munich, everybody talk about Pope music.
And I reckon there are a lot of people pretending to be the Pope, so I think his Twitter handle, and this is a feeling, I'm pretty sure about this I think it's @realpope.
I don't know a lot about the Pope or Twitter.
Ah.
I'm gonna to disagree with Tim.
You're right to disagree, so cross gets the square.
The answer was @Pontifex.
Now this is the biggest thing in religious social networking since Judas unfollowed Jesus.
Emma, it's your turn.
Where would you like to go? I'll go with Roisin Conaty for the block, please.
Roisin! Hello, Warwick.
How are you? I'm very well, thanks.
Good.
Thanks for being here.
Now you present the show called Impractical Jokers.
Yes.
Are you ever the butt of a practical joke or do you always like playing pranks on other people? I like phoning my mum up quite a lot and just pranking her.
Bless her.
Do you find people expect you to do that though because of the show that you do? No, I broke my arm once though and I asked some teenage boys to help me get the keys out of my pocket, and they thought I was pranking them and they wouldn't help me.
Right.
In a recent survey, approximately two-thirds of tradesmen admitted to relieving themselves where? Great Yarmouth? All over the toilet seat? I reckon in the shower.
In the shower.
I reckon.
I'd reckon they would do a hard day's work, and then have wee in the shower.
I don't know Emma, do you agree or disagree with it being in the shower? I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree, so nought gets the square.
So two out of three tradesmen admits relieving themselves in the sink.
You think that's bad, you should hear where the other one goes Danny, your turn.
For the block, I think I'd like to try Joe Wilkinson.
Joe, earlier this year, which TV personality was presented with a 12ft gorilla statue made of spoons? I know this one, Joe! A swap? What you on about? That's ridiculous.
It happened.
Hope he kept the receipt.
Spoons.
That oddball who likes spoons, Uri Gellar.
It's probably the only person that I could think of that uses spoons, so I would agree with Joe Wilkinson.
You're right to agree, cross gets the square! Emma, your turn.
I'm gonna go for a block with Lucy Pargeter.
OK, Lucy, here's your question.
According to a survey by a men's grooming brand, what does the average man spend 60 hours doing each year? (CHUCKLES) 60 hours a year? Yes.
I'm gonna go inspired by you Thank you.
Of course.
Trimming their nostril hair.
I'm not entirely sure it requires that length of time over a year, so I'm gonna disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Nought gets the square.
The average man spends 60 hours a year shaving.
It doesn't surprise me.
I didn't shave for a year and this happened.
Right, Danny, your turn.
For the win, I would like to try Ashleigh and Pudsey.
Ah, here we go.
Well done, Danny.
You've found the mystery square! (CHEERING) Now, Pudsey, could you please reveal the prize.
Come on then, Pudsey.
Come on.
Here he comes.
All right.
Good boy, thank you.
Thank you.
Look at this.
He's brought me a message And he's left me a message down there.
Right.
So, Danny, if you get this right, thanks to my friends at Vue cinemas you'll get VIP passes for whole year to see as many films as you fancy.
Here we go, Ashleigh and Pudsey, your question.
According to a British survey of late 2012, what age are you when you're officially a grown-up? Oh, it's a survey so it's people's opinions, isn't it? Well, I'm 19 now, and when I turned 18, everyone said I was an adult then and you can drink and other stuff My mum's in the audience so let's not talk about that Why? Is she's really against you riding a motorbike? I would probably go for 18.
Yeah.
Since Ashleigh is probably closer to their age than I am, I would agree.
You're wrong to agree.
So nought gets the square.
The answer is in fact 28! Look at me.
44.
Still not grown up.
So your turn, Emma.
I'll go with Carol Vorderman for the win, please.
Here we go Carol, no pressure.
The government recently announced that in 2017 a new one pound coin will be put into circulation, but how many sides will it have? 12! She looks very confident so I'm going to agree.
You are right to agree! Nought gets the square, wins that game plus a bonus of ?500.
Well done, Emma.
Yes, your one pound coins will be useless in three years time, so the government insist to dispose them by sending them to a Mr W Davies, care of ITV Studios.
Right.
Let's have a look at your total so far.
Emma, you're on ?750 and Danny you've got ?800.
Now it's time for game three .
.
which we call Square Essentials.
The squares will read statements about themselves.
Our contestant will agree if they think they tell the truth and disagree if they think they're telling a porky.
Now, Emma, you're playing catch up so you get to pick first.
OK.
I will go with Tim Vine, please.
It's just you're so far away, wait a minute Which one of you is talking at the moment? Right, this is it.
I was the first man to appear on Channel Five.
I will agree? You're right to agree! So nought gets the square.
Well done.
So, Tim The Spice Girls were on first, but I was the first man, that's the main thing.
But why you? I mean, no disrespect Well, that's a question you'd have to ask Maybe they just got to V on the alphabet and they thought, this guy is not busy.
Right.
It's your turn, Danny.
I'd like to try Carol Vorderman.
Would you now? Thank you, Carol, let's hear your Square Essential.
The number I dislike the most is the number nine.
I'm gonna disagree.
You're right to disagree, so cross gets the square.
Carol doesn't discriminate against the numbers, she likes them all equally.
Oh! Right.
Emma, your turn.
Can I go with Patrick Monahan, please? All right, Patrick.
Let's hear it.
OK.
I love taxidermy budgies, and I love so many stuffed birds that I've got 12 in my house.
I'm really disturbed by that statement.
I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree, so nought gets the square.
Well done.
Danny, your turn.
I'll have Roisin for the block, please.
Roisin, here we go.
I once got locked inside an industrial fridge.
I think if you're playing pranks then I think that could be true, so I'm going to agree.
You're right to agree, so cross gets the square and the block.
Now, Roisin, what were you doing inside a fridge? I was bunking off school.
It was outside of an Indian restaurant and the teacher was coming, and so I jumped into fridge and it didn't open from the inside so I was there for about half an hour.
You didn't go hungry though, did you? No.
Don't bunk off school, guys.
All right, Emma, your turn.
I'll go with Rufus Hound for the block, please.
Here we go Rufus.
Let's hear it.
My hidden talent is I can throw things in the air, and catch them in my mouth, but I can throw them really high.
How high? Warwick standing on Danny's shoulders.
I think that's probably true, so I'll agree with that one.
You're right to agree.
Nought gets the square and the block! Well done.
OK, Danny, your turn.
For the block, I'd like to try Dame Edna.
Here we go, Dame Edna.
Please, let's hear your Square Essential.
A long time ago, Danny, I fell off England.
Just let your mind wrestle with that one You fell off England? I fell off England.
What do you mean? I was on little holiday in Cornwall, and I put my foot on a slimy, old stone, and I slipped and I flew off a cliff! And I That was England, the cliff represented England.
I see.
And I sat there until the entire cast of the Pirates of Penzance turned up, and there was a helicopter and they winched me up, and they saved my life and I have lived to tell the tale.
That's lovely.
If it happened exactly like that, I'm going to disagree.
You're wrong to disagree.
Oh, yes.
Dear, oh dear, so that square remains in play.
You are wrong, possum! Absolutely.
What a horrible person you are.
Emma, where would you like to go? I will go with Dame Edna for the win, please.
Emma, I was once featured on a stamp, a postage stamp in Australia.
It was thrilling, really, and it's a beautiful stamp, it's a collectable.
And it was lovely for me to be licked and .
.
and attached to a first class mail.
It was wonderful.
Right.
Do you agree or disagree with that? I think that's believable, I would agree with that.
You're right to agree so nought gets the square and wins that game! Right, let's have a look at the total so far.
Emma has ?1.
450.
and Danny has ?900.
Join us in part three when there's more cash up for grabs, and somebody could win a fantastic holiday.
Be there and be square! Welcome back to Celebrity Squares, the show with more stars than Mystic Meg's bedroom wall.
So, squares, how you doing? Very well.
Very good.
Yeah.
Fabulous, how's Pudsey doing there? He's just staring at his treats at the moment, look at him.
He is, isn't he? I think he's wiling them to come towards him.
There's something I've worked out I can do with these binoculars.
If you wanna wind someone up, wait until they've finished using the cash point and then you go up and say, sorry, was the last number an eight or a three? Right, now, it's time for game four.
Which we call Square Miles.
Hidden out there, we have another mystery square.
If a contestant finds it, they could win a fabulous holiday to this destination.
You and a friend could be visiting Catalunya Square in Barcelona, and take in the vibrant culture and stunning architecture of the city, courtesy of British Airways Holidays and K&K Picasso Hotel.
How lovely.
Right, now, it's time to release the squares.
For you at home, here is the mystery square.
Right, Danny, you're playing catch up, so you get to go first.
Err, can I start with Joe Wilkinson? Course you can.
Here we go, Joe.
What is the Carolina Reaper? Eh? Erm, coincidentally that is the name of one of the elderly women that come to my zumba class.
I run, err, it's irrelevant but I run a nude zumba class.
Some of the things I've seen is horrific.
And she told she's named after a poisonous spider.
Factoid.
I'm thinking it's a bit too far north for a poisonous spider, so I'm gonna say I disagree.
You're right to disagree, so cross get's the square.
The answer is the world's hottest chilli.
If you eat one then forget to wash your hands before going to the loo, then believe me the Carolina Reaper, won't be the only thing that's bright red and very hot.
Emma, your turn.
Can I go with Roisin Conaty, please? Here we go, Roisin.
What would you be playing if you're trying to avoid Blinky, Pinky, and Inky? Characters from Made In Chelsea? Erm a board game.
A board game.
I'm not entirely sure, so I'm gonna disagree with that.
You're right to disagree, so nought gets the square.
You would in fact be playing Pacman.
Blinky, Pinky, and Inky were the ghosts chasing Pacman, or so he claims.
When you've eaten that many pills, as he had, it could have been anything.
Right, Danny, your turn.
Lucy Pargeter, please.
Hey, Danny.
Hi.
Here we go, Lucy.
How long did it take Michelangelo to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel? I know this one.
Four years.
Right, how's your history? Erm, it's OK, unless you ask me about Michelangelo.
But she looked confident when she said that so I'm gonna agree.
You're right to agree so cross gets the square, well done.
Right, Emma, it's your turn.
I'll go with Tim Vine for the block.
AUDIENCE: Oooooh! Well done, Emma, you've found the mystery square.
Now to remind you if you take this square, you'll be going on that holiday, OK? So good luck.
Do you know who you're taking with you, Emma? Get it right and we'll see.
Right, Tim.
If I have hair on my philtrum, which part of my body would I need to shave? Your philtrum.
My philtrum.
No, you'd have to shave your philtrum.
These questions are too easy, to be honest, Warwick.
This is something I do know a little bit about, and I'm pretty confident of it.
I think, Emma, for the holiday, I think it's the ear lobe.
I'm gonna agree.
You're wrong to agree, so that square stays in play and you don't win the holiday.
EDNA: I know the answer! I know the answer.
Do you, Dame Edna? It's the mucus canal.
It's that groove between your nose and your mouth, in the middle.
That's exactly right, Dame Edna, well done, thank you for sharing.
Right, Danny.
Your turn, please choose a square.
For the win, Tim Vine.
Yes, Danny, here we go.
Here we go, Tim.
According to the Global Peace Index, what is the most peaceful country in the world.
Well, there's two countries fighting it out for this.
I don't actually know, but I've got an inkling that I've read this somewhere, so I have a feeling it's Switzerland.
Right, what do you think about that? With the Geneva convention and everything, I would think Switzerland, I agree.
Ah, you're wrong to agree so nought gets the square.
The correct answer is Iceland.
Right, Emma, your turn.
Right, can I go with Patrick Monahan for the win, please? You can indeed.
Here we go Patrick.
Good luck, Emma.
What word come from the Greek term that means 'to exercise naked'? Erm well if you look at sport originally, they used to do the Olympics naked, so that's how they used to start.
But they had to stop that cos obviously in the relay race, people kept grabbing the wrong baton.
But I would probably say gymnasium or gym.
So, Emma, do you ever exercise naked - Hang on.
Sorry, did I say that out loud? So Patrick thinks it's gymnasium.
Hang on! So do you agree or disagree with Patrick? Erm, I'm going to disagree.
You're wrong to disagree, the answer was gymnasium so cross gets the square.
Right, Danny, your turn.
Er, I'd like to try Ashley and Pudsey.
Ashley and, of course, Pudsey, you've got a film coming out, what's it called? It's called 'Pudsey the Dog The Movie', coming out the 18th July.
And, yeah, it's a fictional story, and Pudsey saves the day, basically.
Good ol' Pudsey, yeah.
Don't ruin the bloody ending! Sorry! He may or may not save the day! Yeah, there we go, that's it.
That's how stories work.
He might die! He might die.
Pudsey might die.
He might.
We don't know, that is the wonder of the beginning, the adventure of the narrative.
It's a kids film, everybody.
It's a kids film.
Now I hear, since being in a movie, Pudsey's actually getting a little bit big for his boots, and he actually has someone else to sniff bums for him, is that right? Right, here's your question.
In which novel might you find pigs called Snowball and Napoleon? I know this one, because I read the book, well, a couple of years ago now, but it's Animal Farm.
Right, do you read books? Not many, but Napoleon rings a bell from Animal Farm, so I'm gonna agree.
You're right to agree, so cross gets the square.
Right, Emma, your turn.
I'm gonna go with Dame Edna for the block, please.
Here we go, Dame Edna.
According to a European survey, what do Britons rate themselves the worst at in Europe? Using the bidet.
We don't know what it is.
I thought it was sink, to be honest.
I hope you haven't had any work men round recently.
So Dame Edna's saying a bidet.
Do you agree or disagree with that? I think it's something to do with speaking a foreign languages, so I'm gonna disagree.
You're right to disagree, so nought gets the square.
The correct answer was in fact sex.
OK, Danny, please choose a square now.
For the win, I'd like to try Rufus Hound.
Right, here we go, Rufus.
What would you have in your hand if you're holding a hooker's onion? I don't know, but the next thing I'm doing is checking for an adam's apple.
What you would have in your hand is a gardening tool.
A gardening tool, right.
I've got no idea what it is, but that doesn't sound very convincing to me.
I'm gonna disagree.
You're right to disagree, so cross gets the square, wins the game, and a bonus of ?500.
Well done.
The answer is a flower.
Let's have a look at your totals so far.
Emma, you've won ?1.
550.
and, Danny, you've got ?1.
600.
Right, it's time for game five.
The Double Square game.
Now, we're doubling the money for each square won.
They are now worth ?100 each, and for winning the game, there is a bonus of ?1.
000.
But be aware, this a quick fire round, so if you hear this sound (KLAXON) .
.
the game is over, and the contestant with the most squares on the board will win the game and the bonus of ?1.
000.
Right, so, Emma, you're playing catch up, you get to go first.
I'll go with Joe Wilkinson, please.
Here we go, Joe, who was once described as the face that launched a thousand ships? Face that launched a thousand ships.
Who do we know with a bruised face? Erm, I know this, Cleopatra.
I agree.
You're wrong to agree, so cross gets the square.
It was in fact Helen of Troy.
Right, Danny, your turn.
JOE: That's it, yep, yep.
Er, I'd like to try Tim Vine.
OK, Danny.
Which British Prime Minister also won the Nobel Prize for literature? Now you've done right to choose me here Danny, because I know about a lot about world leaders.
At the moment, I'm reading My Life by Bill Clinton, which freaked me out, because I didn't know he knew anything about me.
I think the answer is Neville Chamberlain.
It sounds convincing to me, I'm gonna agree.
You're wrong to agree, it was Winston Churchill, so nought gets that square.
Right, Emma, your turn.
Patrick Monahan, please.
Good luck.
In cosmetic surgery, if you've had an Otoplasty, what no longer sticks out? Well, looking at the audience, I think there's a few people who have had it.
I would say it is, erm Cosmetic surgery, I would say breasts.
I'm pretty sure that's breast reduction if they're going down, but I'm gonna disagree.
You're right to disagree, nought gets the square, the answer was your ears.
(KLAXON) Well, there's the klaxon, which means it's the end of the game.
Now, Emma, you have the most squares on the board, which means you get the bonus of ?1.
000.
So let's reveal the contestant with the most cash who's going through to our final.
Danny, you have ?1.
600 and, Emma, you have ?2.
650.
Congratulations, Emma, you're going through to our final game.
Unfortunately, Danny, we're gonna have to say goodbye to you, now you're going to be taking away ?1.
600.
Have you had fun? I've had a fantastic day, thank you.
Terrific.
Danny, everyone.
Join us in part four when Emma could walk away with that ?20.
000 jackpot.
Don't you go anywhere.
Welcome back to Celebrity Squares where Emma has made it through to our final game: Question Line.
Well done, Emma, congratulations on getting this far.
Thank you.
How do you feel? Excited.
So you're competitive Extremely.
.
.
and you got to the final.
I know.
So if you won tonight, would you put any of your winnings back into your cupcake business? Yeah, I would love to take it from my kitchen to an actual shop, that would be a dream.
So an actual shop you'd like to have? That would be a dream, yeah.
Lovely.
Well, best of luck to you, it's now time to play Question Line.
OK, here's your line of questioning.
You have: Lucy Pargeter .
.
Dame Edna Everage and Carol Vorderman.
And here are their subjects: I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, The Royal Family, and Rear Of The Year.
Which category would you like? Erm, I think I'm gonna go with .
.
I'm A Celebrity.
Right, why have you chosen that category? I always watch it, every year.
Probably one of the highlights of the year, besides this obviously.
OK, well, best of luck.
We're all rooting for you.
OK, here we go.
Last year, Lucy finished third in I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.
I need you to name other celebrities who have also finished in the top three since the show began in 2002.
Now, I'll need the first name and surname.
OK.
You have 30 seconds to light up as many squares as possible.
Each lit square wins you ?1.
000.
Light all 9 squares and you'll take home that ?20.
000 jackpot.
Now just remember to wait until I've said yes or no before you move on to your next answer.
Are you ready? I think so.
Your time starts now.
Dougie Poynter? Yes.
Mark Wright? Yes.
Lucy Pargeter? Nope.
Erm, who else has won? I've gone completely blank.
David Guest? Nope.
Remember, it's top three.
Yeah, erm Kian Egan? Yes.
Who else has been Kerry Katona? Yes.
Erm, who else has won? Erm (KLAXON) Well, congratulations, Emma, you managed to light four squares which wins you ?4.
000.
Thank you.
Here's a few you could of had: Carol Thatcher, Ashley Roberts, Jenny Eclair, Joe Pasquale, Gino D'acampo, Phil Tufnell.
Lucy, do you remember any? -Er, yeah, David was in the top three this year.
That's David Haye.
Well, let's take that ?4.
000.
to the money you've already won, which gives you a grand total of ?6.
650.
Well done.
Thank you.
That's it for tonight.
Thanks to Emma, our Celebrity Squares Thank you, squares! And, of course, to you at home for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Good night.
And here's who will be joining us next week on Celebrity Squares.