Changing Ends (2023) s01e02 Episode Script

1
ICE CREAM TRUCK PLAYING JINGLE
Mum! Can I get 20p
for an ice cream?
No! You've had
enough crap already.
In her handbag!
Mum, have you seen my trainers?
PLAYING JINGLE
Mum, where's my trainers?!
I don't know!
They don't understand ♪
Wait! No! Come back!
No, wait! No, please! Come back!
Come back! Is that
Graham Carr's boy?
It is.
No! Come back!
Come on, Alan. Come
into the light.
It was the first
day of big school,
and I couldn't wait to catch
up with me old friends.
Let me at 'em!
D'you think you
need those earmuffs?
The lollipop lady always
compliments me on them.
Well, maybe she should
keep her eyes on the road,
rather than your
fashion choices.
Give 'em here. I'll look after
'em till you get home from school.
Really? Oh, not Jessica!
You're at big school now.
Come on, let's have a photo.
Say cheese!
Smile!
Yeah, not so wide.
Yeah, baby, she's got it ♪
MAN: Action! That's beautiful.
Charlie's first day.
Come on, mate. Doesn't
he look grown up?
That's my boy.
No, never mind about him.
Aww!
Mmm!
Get in the car, son.
Good luck, my darling.
He's going to school, not
bloody Vietnam, Chris.
ENGINE STARTS
Yeah, baby, she's got it
Yeah, baby, she's got it. ♪
You all set? Yeah.
This is big lads' school.
Don't get distracted by girls.
There'll be plenty of time
for that when you're older.
Get your head down,
get those grades.
And if anyone gives you any
grief, tell 'em who your dad is.
Mm.
Get out of my way!
BIKE BELL RINGS
ADULT ALAN: 'So,
this was big school.
'This wasn't a playground -
'this was a petri dish,
'a breeding ground
of filth and sleaze.
'The calm oasis of school had
been drowned out by violence,
'mindless vandalism and
indiscriminate littering.
'Despite well-placed signs
saying "No Littering".
'If this was the
future of my education,
'I was in a good mind to leave
'and live the rest of me
life as an illiterate moron.'
Two open goals?
I just wanna punch someone,
it makes me so angry!
The sooner they sack
Graham Carr, the better.
His son's here. You what?
Just started. Alan Carr.
Aw, we could bog-wash him!
ALAN CHOKES
What's up with you?
ADULT ALAN: 'If they found
out my dad was Graham Carr,
'I would be dead.
'Well, that's if this gobstopper
didn't kill me first.'
GAGGING
Oh, Lord! I thought
I was a goner.
What's your name?
Er 'I had to think quick.
'Anything but Alan!'
Aaron. No, Aran.
Aran? Or Aaron?
Depends what mood I'm in.
Erm, what's your name?
Mandy.
Got a problem with that? It's
a boy's name as well, you know.
Leslie. Les!
MUTTERS: All right.
'Mandy and Leslie.
'Sounds like that
lovely lesbian couple
'you always make friends
with on an all-inclusive.'
But what is it? Aran or Aaron?
Aaron. Like the cupboard!
Airin' cupboard.
Oh, i-is that the
bell I hear? Bye-bye!
Who's this kid?
LOUD GRINDING
Oh, this drilling!
Ohh! Then down here. Heavy
night last night, Gaffer?
LAUGHTER
D'you want one of Jimbo's
lagers to calm your nerves?
Give me it here.
Where's the bin?
This whole place is a bin.
LOUD GRINDING
CHEERING AND LAUGHTER
Oh, Graham.
Bit early to start
drinking, innit?
Oh, believe me, it's tempting.
Paddy, can I have a word?
What the bloody hell's going on?
We've had to dig
up the drains up.
Fans keep putting
pies down the toilet.
Well, I don't blame
'em. They're disgusting.
But they keep bobbing back
up, they do. They won't flush.
It's like bash the rat.
You know, one goes down,
up comes another one.
I don't know what Eric
puts in the pastry.
Well, he's gonna have
to change his recipe.
He ain't got time. He's just
opened a restaurant in town.
With his track record? That
man should not be allowed
within two miles of
a deep-fat fryer.
Oh, come on, Graham.
Eric's a good egg.
In fact, he'd like
you and the fellas
to go down to his
new restaurant.
Oh, c'mon, let's help him out.
Ron, the team's gotta come first.
Yeah, and besides, there's
always a catch with you.
Before I know it, I'm
gonna be stood there,
grinning like a chimp,
cutting a bloody
ribbon or something.
Eric's been very good to us.
If there's any way we
can repay that support,
it would be much appreciated.
I'll think about it.
WOMAN: Ron?
A pastry's just floated
up in the disabled toilet.
Fantastic (!)
I didn't know we had a
disabled toilet. Coming!
HEAVY DRILLING
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
HE GASPS Alan!
Charlie, listen
What d'you want?
You know my dad doesn't really
like me hanging around with you.
Yeah, but this is
a nightmare. What?
No-one must know
who my father is.
All right, Luke Skywalker.
The way this is going, every
time the Cobblers lose,
I'm gonna get a bog-wash.
They're gonna be dunking
me like a Hobnob!
Calm down. You don't want your
psoriasis flaring up again.
I'm sorry, Charlie.
I just find it all
so overwhelming.
The corridors
the strip lighting
that girl's satchel.
What Urgh!
Oi!
What are you doing?
What d'you think YOU'RE doing,
biting my friend's face?
Alan, this is my
girlfriend, Maz.
Your what? When did
you get a girlfriend?
We've been dating
for a while now.
Haven't we? Yeah, since
biology this morning.
Charlie, what's
happened to your hair?
It's called wet-look gel. All
the boys are wearing it now.
Well, almost all.
Don't you have a
girlfriend, Alan?
Yeah. Do you?
Yeah. I've been in a relationship
for quite some time now.
Who with? Well, to cut
a long story short
I was walking past a department
store late one night,
and I saw this girl
in the shop window,
stunningly beautiful
and made of plastic.
All of a sudden, she came alive,
and we ended up riding on
the back of my motorbike.
Are you just telling us
the plotline of Mannequin?
I am, yeah.
OK, Charlie. Let's go.
Flump?
You look more and more
like a man every day.
Can I help you,
Ange? I'm very busy.
What do you think?
I was passing C&A, and it
basically screamed, "Buy me!"
CHRIS CHUCKLES It's mohair.
All the rage at the moment.
So are the Muppets, but it doesn't
mean you've got to dress like one.
I was thinking of wearing it to
Nigel's tae kwon do semi-final.
Let's just say I've been
thrown against the mat
at the community
centre a few times.
Socially, I'm so busy,
my cork wedges don't
touch the ground.
Speaking of being light
on your feet, how's Alan?
He's fine. Is he?
Bet he was dreading his first day,
what with him being so sensitive.
Don't you start on
my Alan again, Ange.
He'll manage just
fine at big school.
Swapping Panini stickers
with the cool kids,
fighting over the
pretty girls. In fact,
I bet he's already
in with the in crowd.
DINNER LADIES LAUGHING
Tell that to your Terry!
And Pam, let me know how you
get on with the smear test.
Well, can't stand here gassing.
See you later, ladies.
Oi, what you
talking to them for?
Oh, Val's gone through hell.
She's got a son on
anti-depressants,
and her husband's up to his
eyeballs in catalogue debt.
Bye-bye!
Oi, whatever you're
called, sit down.
ADULT ALAN: 'Pam might
be up in stirrups,
'but I was about to
be put on the rack.'
You a Cobblers fan?
Well aren't we all?
What d'you think of Carr?
Well
You hear a lot of
chat, don't you?
A lot of chat.
Like, well, some
people say he's good.
Some people say he's
dad he's bad!
But at the end of the day
it's a game of two halves.
And, hey, boys
what a beautiful game it is.
We've got PE tomorrow,
by the way. Yeah!
Oh, yeah! PE!
My brother who's
in sixth form says
the second shower to the
left has two peep holes
where you can see the girls
getting changed! Oi, oi!
Back up a bit, boys.
Shower? What shower?
Shower after PE, Aran. You
get muddy, you have to wash.
Take my clothes off
and wash at school?
Not scared, are you?
Worried about getting
your winkie out?
Well, my winkie will
be behind the curtain.
There's no curtains,
mate. They're communal.
ALAN GAGS, COUGHS
Jesus, not again.
COUGHING
LOUDLY: A taxi, Nigel? For me?
But we're only
going for a Chinese!
Silly cow.
Nigel's taking Ange
out again, Graham.
Oh. I wonder which lay-by
they're frequenting tonight.
We should have a
night out together.
Come on, take me down The Bull.
The Bull? You don't wanna
go down there, love.
Punch-up every night, men
swearing like sailors.
And the women are
dog-rough an' all.
You'll have nothing
in common with 'em.
I'm looking for a Cinzano
and packet of nuts, Graham,
not a kidney donor.
Alan, your tea's on the table!
Last time I had a pair
of bloody heels on,
it was the miners' strike. Alan!
Oh, what's the matter?
I'm not really hungry.
Aw, you all right?
I don't feel good.
My stomach's
churning. I feel sick.
I'm not sure I'll be
able to do PE tomorrow.
Oh, darling!
It's all the excitement
after your first day,
meeting all those new friends.
Go and lie on the sofa. I'll pop
your dinner under a bit of cling.
SHE TUTS Poor baby.
WOMAN: 'Our new shower gel makes
every shower the best shower.'
'What I love about
the new Powersplash?
'It's the shower hose. It just gets
in all those hard-to-reach places.'
'A little bit brighter and drier.
Just one or two showers around.
'Then, eventually, later
on, quite a few showers.
'It's beginning to turn showery now,
the afternoon ending up very wet.
'And then tomorrow,
sunshine and showers.
VOICE DISTORTS: 'Showers.
Showers. Showers'
Oh, God!
You all right, Alan? Why don't
you go have a nice hot bath?
Bugger that. Using all my
hot water? Have a shower.
Shut up!
Oh, who's rattled his
cage? Gary, eat up.
ADULT ALAN: 'So,
here was my plan.
'Keep my private parts and my
dad's identity under wraps.'
Here's fine! Here's fine!
Here's fine!
So, PE today, eh?
Mm, yeah.
I know you had a whale
of a time yesterday.
Just when you thought it
couldn't get any better, it does.
Ha. Everything
this family has
is down to sport.
Yeah, I was a footballer,
your grandad was a footballer.
You see what I'm trying
to say to you, Alan?
I'm adopted?
Dad, I won't let you down.
There's so much sugar in it.
Thank you, taxi driver. Oi!
Forgot something?
Thank you, driver.
Bye-bye. HORN HONKS
Who was that?
Dunno.
What you doing here?
My mum's gonna kill me.
We've been caught
shoplifting wet-look gel.
Oh. And I'm gonna miss PE.
Miss PE? Keep talking.
Alan, you're such a wuss.
"Wuss"? Excuse me, lady.
I've got to run around a
field in sub-zero temperatures
and then shower in
front of 20 boys.
Basically, that
makes me a marine.
Please, Alan. You've
got to help me.
And you'll be my friend?
I'll be your friend.
OK. Give me some gel.
I've just had an angry phone call
from the manager of the Arndale.
Some wet-look styling gel has
disappeared off the shelves.
Care to explain?
What can I say, Mr Robertson?
It's the '80s.
I'm a fiend for the wet look.
I just looked in
the mirror one day
and thought, "D'you know
what? I'm sick of being dry."
So they had nothing
to do with it?
You acted entirely alone?
Mm, yeah. That's me.
You should just lock me
up and throw away the key.
Along with my gym kit.
Mm
Something doesn't stack up here.
What did you say your name was?
Alan.
Alan?
You're not
You are! You're Alan Carr!
You're Graham Carr's
lad, aren't you?
I heard you were
joining us this year.
Guilty!
Like the theft of
the wet-look gel.
I guess I'll be getting my
things and heading off home.
Ah, ah, wait a minute.
Let me go home and think about
some of the poor life
choices that I've made.
And have the wrath of the
mighty Graham Carr to deal with?
No chance.
I have the honour of seeing
your dad every Saturday
from the Hotel End. Pfft!
I'm not messing with him.
So you're not sending me home?
I could steal again!
It's a disease!
No. Just, er
Think of it as a kind of
thank you to your dad. Hm?
KNOCK AT DOOR Come.
Ron, er, about Eric's
restaurant on Saturday.
Count me in. Er, I'll
bring Chris and the boys.
Of course.
Eric's gonna be over
the moon. But
I don't want a big
fuss around it.
Mm. Understood.
One of Eric's?
Mm.
DOOR CLOSES
Mr Robertson, please don't
tell anyone who my dad is.
Kids can be so jealous!
Now go and enjoy PE.
Thanks, Alan. That went so well.
Didn't it just.
D'you know what, I might have
to start being nicer to you.
Aw, thanks, Maz.
In the meantime, you
enjoy that shower.
BELL RINGS
Right, come on. It's PE.
You go on. I'll catch up.
EXCITED SHOUTING
Right, come on. Sooner
we get this done,
the sooner we can get
home. I say home
A bedsit above a charity shop
with mould the colour of a
Sir! Sir, you won't believe
it, but my kit's gone missing.
Might have been stolen, actually.
Now, all right. Sit down, lad.
Oh, I was looking
forward to it an' all.
There was me thinking I'd
be out there kicking a ball.
Now I'm just kicking myself.
HE EXHALES
Don't talk to me about regret.
Ever seen a woman in a bar and
thought she could be the one,
and then, two years later,
she's taking you for
everything you've got?
ADULT ALAN: 'Mr Chapman.
Two minutes in his company
'was enough to make
anyone run and jump
'off a cliff.' Erm
Fill your boots.
SNIGGERING
Oh!
Please don't tell me that's egg.
Right! Cross country run.
Two miles across
the playing fields,
then turn right at
my ex-wife's house.
Was MY house that I paid for,
but because I have
"commitment issues",
it's now me ex-wife and Geoff's.
Is he all right?
So, here's my plan.
Dodge the mud, dodge the shower.
Quick strip-wash in the sink,
and my dry arse is out
of those communal showers
before you can say
SING-SONG: "I can
see your winkie!"
Go! KIDS CLAMOUR
Get a move on!
Oh, God, I miss her.
All right, final push.
ADULT ALAN: 'Well, that
worked out well (!)'
OK, ladies, let's
hit the showers.
BLOWS WHISTLE Hey!
BOYS LAUGHING, CHATTERING
Keep it down!
You, showers.
Me?
'The game was up. I had
no more cards to play.'
'Ere, where's your shower cap?
Anyone got a spare shower cap?
LAUGHTER Shut your face, you!
Hey, lost property.
What's your name?
WHISPERS: Alan.
Alan what?
Just that'll do.
You know, like Cher,
Prince, Tiffany.
Oh! We've got a
comedian here, have we?
What's your surname?
Ca Ca Ca
Spit it out!
Ca FIRE ALARM RINGS
Oh, you've got to
be joking! Typical.
Wish I'd heard the alarm bells when
I was walking down that aisle, eh?
Right, make yourselves half
decent, and everybody out.
'It was a miracle.
'Quite literally
saved by the bell.'
Someone's smashed
the fire alarm.
Let's go!
'And my mum's wish came true,
'as my dad finally took her
out for a slap-up meal.'
Look, Dad, it's your name.
Wait till I see Ron.
Well, this is the life!
'And before you
lot get all snooty,
'getting a table at Eric's
sit-down Wimpy on Abington Street
'was nothing short of a coup.'
Who'd have thought it, eh? I
might treat myself to some chips.
Oops! I mean, fries!
Forgot I was at a
diner. SHE LAUGHS
Oh, cheer up, Graham. It
beats sitting in the house.
Graham, Don from the Chron.
Photo of you cutting
the ribbon? No.
Go on, Graham. Cut the ribbon.
Go on, cut the ribbon.
Go on. Cut the ribbon, cut
it, cut it. Cut the ribbon.
Gimme the scissors.
Get the kids in too.
Oh, what a good idea,
Don. Right, Gary! Alan!
No, no.
I-I best not. Get here now.
Wait till Ange sees this.
DON: After three, say "Wimpy"!
One, two, three!
ALL: Wimpy!
Oi, Aaron! Or should I say Alan?
Alan Carr!
Oh, I don't know what
you're talking about.
The teeth? The glasses?
The hand on the hip?
It's nothing like me.
Alan? You left your
kit in the car again.
Oh Cobblers fans?
Here, I'll sign it for you.
What's your names?
Mandy and Leslie.
WHISPERS: Lunchtime,
you're dead!
There you go.
And that's when it dawned
on me - d'you know what?
If I was gonna be
dead by lunchtime,
I was gonna spend the
last few hours on Earth
as me.
SONG: 'Edge Of Seventeen'
by Stevie Nicks
Nothin' else mattered
Just like the
white-winged dove
Sings a song Sounds
like she's singing
Ooh, baby, ooh, said ooh
Just like the
white-winged dove
Sings a song Sounds
like she's singing
Ooh, baby, ooh, said ooh
The clouds never
expect it When it rains
But the sea changes colours
But the sea does not change. ♪
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