Chappelle's Show (2003) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Ow.
Woo hoo hoo.
Woo hoo.
Yeah yeah.
Let's start
the show.
(announcer) Give it up right
now, for my man, Dave Chappelle!
(applauding)
Oh yes!
Hey, thank you,
brother, thank you.
All right, everybody.
Have a seat, man,
let's all relax.
Thanks for coming back.
Welcome to
Chappelle's Show.
You know, we've been getting a
little flack in the press.
I don't know if you
guys have seen some things
that were written calling us
controversial,
which I was surprised about.
That's the thing
about being on TV,
you just never can say what
you wanna say, man.
'Cause, if I said
everything I thought
it would just freak
America out.
You wouldn't wanna
hear a young black dude
saying half the things
I be thinking.
The only way people would
listen to the stuff I think
is if a pretty white girl
sang my thoughts.
And I actually happen to
have a pretty white girl here.
Pretty white girl,
come on out.
She's in my contract.
(cheering)
Good evening,
pretty white woman.
Thank you for being here.
I have some things
I need to get off my chest.
Crack was invented
and distributed
to intentionally
destroy the black community.
AIDS was too.
The police never look for
Tupac and Biggie's murderers.
Fuck the police.
(applause)
What ever happened to that
recount in Florida
O.J. didn't do it.
On second thought,
yeah he did.
Gay sex is gross.
Sorry I just
find it to be gross,
unless of course
they're lesbians.
I like lesbians.
I like
lesbians.
for real,
I like lesbians.
But I digress from
my point
All Chinese
people look alikThe Wrap It Up Boxe.
So do white people.
Pretty much
anyone who isn't black
looks alike to me.
Oh I want to stick
my thumb in J-Lo's butt
I wouldn't mind sticking
a finger or two
up that singing
white girl's butt either.
Call me on my cell, 917
(applause)
And now it's time
to collect ad revenue
for Comedy Central.
(cheering)
Revenue they don't
share with my black ass.
(cheers & applause)
Real sex, street interviews,
take one!
(cameraman) Sophia, what's the
craziest thing you ever did sexually?
Um, the craziest thing
I ever did sexually
Oh, oh, oh,
okay, okay, okay
One time, I had a three way with
these two guys in college
and my sorority sisters
were, like, cheering me on.
Yeah, that'd be it,
that'd be it.
(cameraman)
What about you, sir?
Craziest thing
I ever did sexually?
That'd probably be having sex
with old Gangbang here,
without a rubber.
We're fuckin'
done, man!
This date is over!
Wait a minute,
hold up.
I'm gonna kill you.
Get off me.
Chappelle's Show. Ow.
You know, uh,
in the quest to get paid
I have devised a new scheme,
ladies and gentlemen,
which is not an easy
thing to do, but I've got it.
I'm gonna have my
own phone line
like Miss Cleo,
you understand?
But I'm
gonna do mine real.
You see?
Miss Cleo
lies, she's phony.
I've got a nagging suspicion
that bitch ain't Jamaican,
you know
what I'm saying?
(laughing)
I couldn't
prove it.
But check mine out.
(woman) Dave Chappelle's
Educated Guess Line.
Dave Chappelle is
not a psychic.
He is merely a racist,
who believes that stereotypes
dictate our futures.
(woman's voice) My boyfriend
says my butt's too big.
Why would he say that?
My old boyfriend
liked it just fine.
Okay.
Okay, have you
gained weight?
No.
Okay, so your current
boyfriend is white.
Oh my gosh, yes!
Yeah, and your old boyfriend
is black, ain't he?
Oh my god,
how did you know that?
Because a brother can't get
enough of that ass.
Hold up,
I'm seeing something
It's your parents!
Oh, god.
They're angry, real angry!
They kicked you out for dating
a black dude, didn't they?
Oh, my god, there's no way
you could have known that
unless you knew me!
Or if I dated
four white girls myself.
Thanks for playing.
Dave Chappelle's
insights will astound you.
(man with foreign accent)
Hello, is this Dave Chappelle?
All right, I'm hearing
an accent.
You from south
of the border?
You amaze me, man!
Oh, hold on, there
is your name Miguel?
It is!
Bam!
All right, all right
go ahead, dog.
So, David, I was
driving on the freeway.
Stop driving.
You drive a pickup truck,
don't you, Miguel?
Yes, I do.
And you don't have
insurance, do you?
No, I don't.
Bam!
Sometimes, Dave will talk with a
phony baloney Jamaican accent.
(Jamaican accent)
The cards don't lie!
Lord have mercy!
Hello?
(woman) Collect call from
a correctional facility,
will you accept the charges?
Yes, I will.
Go ahead, sir.
All right, before you
even say anything,
you black, ain't you?
(man) Yo, this nigga is off the hook!
Wait a minute,
I see something!
What?
You getting
out of jail!
Say word, son!
You're walking out,
you are free as a bird!
Hold up.
I'm seeing something
it's six weeks later
You going right back
in the jail
for the same shit.
What kinda psychic
(dial tone)
Call this number now,
and let Dave
or one of his educated
guessers tell you your future.
It's only 99 cents for
the first minute,
2.50 each additional minute.
You can't afford not
to have your future read
based on stereotypes.
(Jamaican accent) Call me now
for a bumble-cluck reading!
(mumbling)
Hey, y'all,
flippity-flap, flippity-float,
flippity-fleep,
here comes some jokes!
(announcer) For years, we've all
watched celebrities accepting awards
get played off by
the house orchestra
when their speech runs on
too long.
My parents were really
disappointed
when I dropped out
of school for that year,
but I felt like I really just
needed to find myself.
Word?
But then, you know,
I was like, you know what?
Let me just go to Howard like
my father, you know?
Well, then, my girlfriend
Gina, she called me up,
she said, "girl, you have
got to get down to Emery,
down to Hotlanta!
I was like Gina,
number one,
why are you calling me up,
trying to confuse me?
You know
Spelman's in Atlanta, too.
Second of all, you know I'm
vacillating here, trying to
with "The Wrap It Up Box,"
you've got that same power,
right in your pocket.
So then I just went to Howard,
where I majored in sociology,
and made a lot of friends
and had a really good time!
So that was college,
how about you?
From the makers of
the Home Stenographer comes
"the wrap it up box!"
It's like being the director
of an awards show
everywhere you go!
(pounding gavel)
Young man, you've been found
guilty by a jury of your peers.
The crime you've committed
was very serious,
and before I sentence you,
I'd like to say a few words
about your arrest record
What the hell?
Yo, the sign
is real simple, "b",
it says, "wrap it up."
Wrap that
shit up, "b"!
I don't think that's
a good idea.
Man, you want some too?
You'd better
wrap it up!
(pounding gavel)
You'd better wrap
that gavel up, "b"!
That's what I'm
talking about.
That's what
I was telling you.
With "The Wrap It Up Box,"
things will come to an end
at the perfect time
whenever you want
them to.
I'm gonna rock it tonight!
Have you ever
felt this in your life?
I'm taking you on
a journey, girl!
(moaning)
Psych!
Psych, you thought
I was done didn't you?
It ain't over.
(music playing)
For real?
Not even close?
Not even close.
Hold on, now, hang in
there with me.
How about that?
Hey,
can you read?
Wrap it up.
You need
to wrap it up!
Wrap it up!
(moaning)
That's a wrap!
Woo!
"The Wrap It Up Box,"
in stores now!
Available at all Walbogs.
Stop skipping your
remedial class.
It's the finals,
you're gonna need it to pass
and you don't need these big
Brooklyn feet in your ass.
So keep my name
out your mouth
and your mind on your task.
And if you think that I'm
talking about you
in these bars.
If the shoe fits,
shut the fuck up,
and walk it
off.
It's Brooklyn.
Yeah, yes.
Hey,
welcome back, gang.
Yes, welcome back.
Now, I don't know how many of
you guys are from my generation;
the Pepsi generation, Generation
"X", they called us.
I refer to us
as the Reagan babies.
Anyone who grew up around Reagan
had drug-awareness week, right?
Now, I don't know if
you guys know at home
what drug-awareness week is.
That is a week of drug education
for children in schools.
And at the end of the week,
to really drive
the point home to the youth,
they always have a real,
live crackhead
come talk to the kids.
I know that was
the case at my school.
And tonight, we have a tape
of just such an event.
Please enjoy.
He's been away for a while
but he's back around.
Y'all tell anybody,
I'll kill you!
I'll kill you!
The goofiest
crackhead in the town.
Peanut butter
and crack sandwich!
He kicked his habit
back in the joint,
now he's back on point.
Look out crack,
here I come!
(crashing)
He's finally home
he's Tyrone.
(narrator) This week, Tyrone
visits a local middle school
to promote drug awareness.
We have a very
special surprise today.
Let's hear it for
Tyrone Biggums!
(applauding)
Hi, kids!
Thank you very much,
teacher!
It is truly an
honor and a privilege
for me to be here at
Pinehurst school,
or whatever your
school is called, today.
I say it's a privilege,
because it's a violation of my
parole to be around children.
But enough about that.
Hello, little boys
and little girls.
Mm, mm, mm.
Kids, y'all
are looking at a dead man.
I should not be in front
of you today!
Drugs and alcohol
have ruined my life.
I started doing drugs when I was
little, just like you, fellow.
Me and my
friends would go home
and smoke marijuana
after school.
Can you say marijuana?
(all the children)
Marijuana.
That's what I was smoking.
Sometimes, dipped
in embalming fluid.
And me and my friends would
laugh and giggle
and eat all
the cookies!
It was terrible.
Terrible.
I can definitely say,
he was the absolute
worst anti-drug speaker
in the history of drugs.
Then I upgraded to
a little drug called acid
very inexpensive and affordable.
Even young children could
afford it it's so bad.
I did two hits of that
and Bugs Bunny and Scooby Doo
and all my favorite cartoon
heroes came to my room
and ate cookies with me
and sang songs for 16 hours.
God damn, talking about
Tyrone go clean up
your room.
And Mickey Mouse was
doing the bass line like this,
ba ba ba boo,
ba ba ba boo
and then, he basically
told them
where and how
to buy the stuff.
We all know we can sneak into
our mama's room
when she's sleeping,
and take $5, $10,
maybe $20 out her purse,
run on down to Third Street,
catch the "D" bus downtown,
and meet a Latin American
fellow named Martinez
We know that!
And we know that Martinez'
stuff is the bomb!
Kids, drugs
is all around you.
How will I know when
drugs around,
you might
be asking.
Well, I'll tell you, use your
magic markers.
What you think this
is some kind of crayon?
No.
Take that cap off and sniff it.
And you be high.
And these little ones
are 10 and 11 years old.
You!
You know what dog food
tastes like?
Do you?
It tastes just
like it smells
delicious!
I'm gonna show you how
I go to the bathroom.
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Ha!
(farting)
I thought
the worst was over.
I was mistaken.
That, children,
was the first time
I sucked a dick
for crack.
But it wouldn't be the last.
Why, one time,
I seen Martinez
I'm trying to say something.
Thank you for that lovely
and moving and graphic story.
You're welcome,
teacher bitch!
I'm not finished,
but that's all right.
Um, can I get cash
for this?
I got some errands to run,
and I don't think
I'm gonna make the bank.
Um, uh, uh
It's my money, bitch!
I earned it!
Give me my
speaker's fee!
Thank you,
kids!
Goodbye!
He's been away for while
but he's back around.
The goofiest
crack head in the town.
He kicked his habit
back in the joint.
Now he's back on point.
He's finally home,
he's Tyrone.
(cheering)
Oh, my gosh.
Just so all you know,
that's not real doo-doo.
I don't want to
upset you.
It was a
Snickers Bar,
we melted it.
The funny thing was,
the dude that does the props
was melting the snickers bar
for the sketch
It's candy, you know,
he's melting it.
But I caught him like he was
doing a thing, he was like
All right, look, we're gonna
take a quick commercial break,
but don't go nowhere,
because we've got Mos Def
when we come back, man.
The mighty Mos!
Stick around for more
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Better not
bring your kids.
Hey, gang, welcome back.
Welcome back, man.
We are hanging in here,
having some fun.
Please make some noise
for my brother, Mos Def!
(cheering)
Pull up to your
spot on low.
Shine brighter than all
of the cats that got on glow.
Lay in the cut like they're
not gonna know.
'Cause if
I gotta make a move dog,
they're not gonna know.
This door marked private
this is not for show.
It's Mos Def
what you call real for sure.
Is they what
you call gangster?
Hell no.
They get a little pinch
and go snitch to the poor.
They all talk fast but
they all think slow.
I'm most
definite not think so.
Flood your city with
the black ink flow,
and my crew ain't
scared to let them things go.
So stop with
the nonsense
like he conscious.
I'm just awake dog.
I'm doing great dog.
I don't play games I don't
player hate y'all.
Get it straight or get
the fuck up out my face dog.
I'm like the second plane that
made the towers face off.
This shit
will let you know
it's really not
a game dog.
Your grind and my
grind ain't the same dog.
I'm the catalog you
the same song.
So cool and old
school like A-4.
doing the little mommies
winding up their waist for
the one that real niggas got
their hand raised for.
Me and D. Chappelle
got it yellow taped off.
Don't push me
'cause I'm close
to the streets,
to the beats,
the bitches, the niggas,
the women, the children,
the workers, the dealers,
the addicts, the killers,
the quiet, the livest,
the realest, and that's close.
Don't push me 'cause
I'm close
to the edge,
back, middle, and front.
Strong back shit
lifting it up
from the big and the small.
I'm like J. Brown,
getting involved.
And when I'm letting off a
round don't get in the cross.
Have your preacher man talking
low getting his cross.
Tell the wild card boy
not to get off their horse
before they find out the town
law is strictly enforced.
It's a real bad way to
get your name in the source.
Test the limits of
a dangerous force.
You ended up
dumb, famous, and gone.
Your people shouting out
your name in their song.
Pouring liquor on
the day you was born.
Buying paint to put your
face on the wall.
Come on fall back
it's no need for all that.
It's all good.
We all
here going all out.
All live all day listen
when the song say
Don't push me
'cause I'm close
to the streets, to
the beats
the bitches, the niggas,
the women, the children,
the workers, the killers,
the addicts, the dealers,
the quiet, the livest,
the realest, and that's close.
Don't push me 'cause
I'm close
to the edge,
back, middle, and front.
Strong back shit
lifting it up
from the big and the small.
I'm like J. Brown
getting involved.
Now get yours.
Bang it, bang it, boom bang,
diggy boom boom.
Bang it, bang it
boom bang, diggy boom.
My man, Meek,
hooked this up.
Yeah.
It's the bomb.
It's pretty hot, right?
Yeah.
Now get close.
Bang it, bang it, boom
bang diggy boom boom.
Good.
Yeah.
Yeah, right?
Yeah, Mos Def.
Mos Def.
I'd like to thank my guest,
Mos Def, Guillermo Diaz,
everybody that
helped me out this week.
I gotta say that he
Yo, Chappelle!
Yo, wrap it
up, "b"!
That's it,
you're done, man!
Wrap it up, "b"!
You're done,
wrap it up!
Right.
We'll see you
next week!
(cheers & applause)
I'm rich,
bi-atch!
(horn honking)
Hi, thank you!
Peanut butter
and crack sandwich!
Oh!
Get out
the way!
Go on, go on!
Ow!
(Dave Chappelle)
Lick your fingers.
Crack!
Drugs and alcohol
have ruined my life!