Chickens (2011) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Shame on you.
Thank you.
More hate mail? More mail, so yes.
Whoa, don't do that, I like to reply to them.
Oh, George.
Oh, my God, I knew it would happen eventually.
The first Rittle-man has died.
Oh, no.
Who is it? Bobby Knappett from the bakers.
Shot by a sniper.
What, in the bakers? No, in France.
Was he doing a patisserie course? No, he's fighting in the war.
What war? You do know, Bert.
There's a World War on.
Oh, yes, sorry, yes.
Bloody Welsh.
Germans.
Them too.
They're planting a memorial tree on the village green later this morning.
I expect you to be there, Bert.
Ugh! The water's brown! George, the water's brown.
Oh, no, not again.
I've been meaning to get a plumber in to tighten the pipes.
It's perfectly safe to drink for the time being.
I'm a Mowbray, George.
The Mowbrays drink Earl Grey tea and champagne on the monarch's birthday.
They do not gulp down brown water like a barnyard animal.
OK, I'll make you a deal.
How about you two sort out this one little thing to help around the house and in return I'll continue to go to work and pay for your meals, accommodation and living expenses for the indefinite future.
I already do so much around the house, George.
Oh, I'm sorry, Bert.
What have you done? Ranked all the potatoes.
They're in a line out the back.
Best ones at the front so I think we should eat them in reverse order or the right way round.
I don't have a pre Oh, it's Mrs Fowler-Brown's latest offering.
Look at the detail on the rope.
Technically, it's a big step forward.
She's improving every day.
It's very exciting.
And finally, I'd like to thank the Parish Council for their help at this time of great personal sadness.
They really are a team of superstars.
Is it me or is grief a very attractive quality in a woman? What do you mean by that? Well, how much do you want me to dress it up? I'm single, she's single No, right, I am nipping this in the bud.
She's a weeping widow.
I know.
Typical, isn't it? What's typical? What element of this situation are you constantly encountering? Um, I don't know, the fact I'm trying to do something and you're trying to stop me.
Do you not have the slightest modicum of respect for Bobby's memory? Oh, Cecil, please, this has got nothing to do with Bobby.
Right, here we are at Bobby Knappett's memorial service.
Your opinion, and I quote: "This has got nothing to do with Bobby.
" I don't know what to tell you, Cecil.
I'm flesh and blood.
She's not not pretty just because her husband's dead.
I want to hear you say it.
Say "I am trying to steal a dead man's wife.
" All right.
I am trying to steal a dead man's wife.
Darling! Darling! Winky.
You didn't see me, you were looking straight at me.
How's my favourite fiancee? I haven't seen you for ages! I know - we've both just been so busy.
Who'd be a teacher, eh? Oh, I know, isn't it awful? The marking is inhuman.
But hey, listen, if you ever want to join forces, I'm a dab hand with the old red pencil.
I certainly know my way round a tick.
And a cross.
Where necessary.
Despite my best I'm going to go, George.
Yep, sure.
See you soon.
Excuse me, my little boy's just been attacked by another child.
That's him there.
I see.
You attacked Clement, did you, Archie? Now you'll be punished.
Excellent.
Ten decency points deducted.
How do you feel now? Awful.
I've let myself down.
Clement, get him a water.
He feels bad enough.
I'm ever so sorry.
Apology accepted.
Come on, champ.
Well, that seems to be resolved.
Sorry, what was that love-in? What love-in? I want that Archie boy properly disciplined.
You should have used your cane.
I don't have a cane.
Fine, whatever you use to beat them, you know what I mean.
We're at cross-purposes here.
I don't beat my pupils at all.
I don't believe that resorting to violence is ever acceptable.
I'm taking my child out of this school.
Well, hold on.
We demand you cane our beautiful, innocent babes.
They've done nothing wrong.
You are going to punish these children, whether it fits in with your world view or not.
We are onto you, Mr Wright.
Playtime's over.
Playtime is over.
Playtime's over? Why? Playtime's not over, Matthew, you're all right.
Playtime's not over! Yes! Water colours, mainly, and you know, quite seriously.
But look, this isn't about me.
This is your day.
This is your special moment.
Your moment in the sun, in a weird way.
Sorry, I don't Were you close to Bobby? Yes! We were incredibly close.
We shared everything.
And it was almost as though we were saying if anything happened to either one of us, whatever that one had, the other one should, not to put too fine a point on it take.
I do love hearing people's experiences of Bobby.
May I ask, what's your favourite memory of him? Oooh, I'd rather not talk about it.
It makes me too sad.
I do love hearing memories of Bobby.
I know and that's why I'm going to carry on even though it makes me sad.
So, memories of Bob.
Specific memories.
Probably the time we saw the golden eagle.
I didn't think you got golden eagles in this country.
Don't believe everything you read.
It flew down and landed on his hand.
It really trusted him.
That's beautiful.
Thank you.
And another thing.
It couldspeak? Could it speak? No, that is too far but it made a kind of a tweeting sound.
Did it? Yeah.
I wish he was here with us right now.
The eagle? Bobby.
Your late husband.
Ohhh.
Come here, grumpy guts.
What's wrong with you? I just miss him so much.
That'll fade, and quicker than you think.
Then we'll move on to pastures new.
Are you going to come to your senses over this caning debacle or not? I'm afraid not.
Don't be a stink in the tent, George.
I want you to know that I would have no hesitation in sacking you over this issue.
And yetcome close.
Oh.
OK.
You are the last male teacher that I have.
And if I turn this school entirely over to the hands of women, it is my honest opinion it will be burnt to the ground within a day.
So, I've decided to keep you.
Because I'm a man? Sort of.
Well, why then? No, because you're sort-of a man.
Move away, move away.
Unfortunately, the parents are baying for your blood.
They want to see you giving a frank and open-hearted caning to young Archie Coleman.
No, we're back where we started.
I'm not going to beat an innocent child.
That is an absurd position to take, George.
We had people like you in the Crimea.
These men you'd find, twined around other men.
Mmmm.
I think you might be talking about homosexuals there, not pacifists.
And what exactly is the difference? Well It's a slippery slope, George.
It's a slippery slope.
Right.
The rhombus.
Friend or foe? Excuse me, could I have a glass of water, please? I'm not a tap, mate.
Do you have taps here? Yes.
Could I have some of the water from one of the taps, then, please? Thank you! I'm so thirsty.
Are you? Yeah, our water at home's brown.
Haven't drunk anything all day.
Oh, no.
This water's off.
I can't serve this, wouldn't be right.
Down it goes.
Here he is, my pointless brother, doing his bit for the war effort.
Why is he alive? Nobody knows.
All right, bring it on, bit of friendly sibling rivalry.
It should have been you that died, not Bobby.
Ooh, quite strong, gone for the jugular.
God, Bert has slimed his way over to Gwyneth.
All right, come on, don't milk it.
Get off her.
Oooh, Agnes, I'm so sorry.
I had no idea you wanted us to be exclusive.
I'm sorry, what's the matter? Now, ladies, please, don't get excited.
Gwyneth, Agnes - former lover and firebrand.
Agnes, Gwyneth - Pisces, wine-snob and self-confessed classical music nut.
Agnes, I promise he's just paying his respects.
Bert, tell her.
I don't know what's going on, to be honest.
All I will say is you can't both have me.
Unless we came up with some sort of rota.
Or even something more communal.
Right, just honestly.
They do it in London.
These women are not for you.
They are the wives and the rightful prize of England's heroes.
Well, yeah, that's the official line.
I'm going to warn every young woman in this village not to go near you.
You're going to be so, so lonely.
You'll be amazed at how alone you are.
Well, the party's over, Bert.
Au contraire, young Cecil.
It's a wide, wide world of women out there.
I will have sex again.
You're running out of options though, mate.
At this rate, you'll have to settle for a woman who is senile, mentally unbalanced or just drunk all the time.
I thought you said I was running out of options.
You just described summer 1912.
It was hellish in a good way.
There's a good boy.
I don't mind losing my salary, but there isn't another maths teacher in the village.
These children might never achieve a basic grasp of arithmetic and algebra.
And yet, what is a man without his principles? It's an impossible quandary.
Thank you, George, for spearheading the most boring 30 seconds of my entire life.
Why are you here, George? The other teachers won't sit with me, so I decided to have my lunch at home.
It's a nicer atmosphere.
Traitors! Right.
Back to it.
Bit early for whisky, isn't it, George? No, this is water.
Oh, God, it's getting worse.
Can you two please sort this out? I want it resolved by the time I finish work.
Finish work today, or retire? Finish work today.
Thought I found a loophole.
'Oh, dog muck.
Oh, that's my fault.
'I let my guard down, they've done me there.
' We should go and see Rich Warren, he's the best plumber in the village.
We can't go and see Rich Warren, Bert.
He's in the army now.
I am loathe to use Dave Webster.
Honestly, the man's a clown.
No, Bert, all the men have left now.
There's no way of fixing it.
What? So, what are we going to do then? I don't know.
This is really concerning, actually.
We don't have access to clean water until the men get back.
When will that be? I don't know.
Probably a fortnight at least.
We'll be dead by then! We need to tell somebody official this is going on.
I knew this war would have victims.
And it's us.
It's us, Cecil.
Us and Bobby Knappett.
Who? Please, can we have some silence?! One at a time, I won't tell you again.
All right, you.
My husband's wage packet hasn't arrived and we've ended up sleeping in the fields.
My little son was bitten by a rat and I need to get him to the hospital quickly.
We would walk, it's only 20 miles but his blackouts are becoming more frequent and I'm too weak to carry him.
All right, you're lucky I'm in a good mood.
Give me your details at the end, I'll arrange a ride for you on the evening post run.
Right, who's next? Me! Me! You two.
They've only just got here! What is the problem, Mr Mowbray and Mr Walpole? Hello.
Yeah.
Um, I'm not sure this is the right place actually but, erm, I'll just say it, shall I? When we turn on the tap in our kitchen, the water that comes out is quite brown.
Bit thirsty.
Are you seriously asking me to devote time and energy to dealing with your odd jobs? No.
We're fine.
We're going to go, actually.
Our resources are for those impoverished by war.
Yep.
In hindsight, it is completely obvious.
You are showing a total lack of awareness of the suffering going on all around you.
Indeed.
Indeed.
Lot of new systems in place.
Just trying to fathom them out.
Keep up the good work.
Hang on.
You're not going to let her fob you off like that, are you? She's fobbing you off, mate.
I don't think she is, Bert.
Excuse me.
I don't know what part of this didn't come across but let me reiterate.
Our water is brown.
It is brown.
And I am proud to say I will not drink a mug of brown water for my breakfast, thank you kindly.
So, that gives you 24 hours, tops, before you've got a corpse on your hands.
My corpse on your hands.
Actually, I think we probably can drink it as is.
Brown's fine.
I'm not drinking it.
It's the grossest thing I've even seen.
I'd rather drink your piss, Cecil.
Excuse me, how long are you going to be? Pipe down, love, you've had your turn.
And while I've got the floor, could somebody mow the village green for a change? And have a look at the verges, they're a laughing stock.
Right, this is all him now.
He's gone off-piste.
I'm talking about basic land husbandry.
This used to be the best-kept village in the county, now it looks like a war-zone.
School's closed, sorry.
Ah, cometh the hour, cometh the man.
What's going on? It's half past cane, George.
The big hand is on the cane and is, itself, a cane.
No way.
Non-negotiable.
It goes against everything I stand for.
Please, George, don't be impossible.
I'll get it in the neck so badly if you don't do this.
Good grief, if popularity's so important to you, Winky, why don't I just join the army? Oh, would you, George?! That would be amazing! No! Urgh, fine.
But if you can't even do this, thenI don't know I'll have to have a think about what's going to happen in the future.
Right, well, hold on.
What's that? Is that you saying if I don't cane him, then, we're finished? No.
Honestly, it's your decision, George.
Yes, but what's my decision, though? Whether or not I cane him or whether or not we're finished? You tell me.
Right, where is he? Get over here, you little shit.
Good opening pace.
Right.
How do you do it? Bend him over the desk.
Bend him over the desk, perfect, nothing strange about that.
Fine, here we go.
I'm going to do this now.
This is what you wanted.
I hope you're happy.
Get ready, Archie.
Three, two, one.
Oh, God, that's horrible.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
Lose yourself, George! Is that too hard? Are you meant to do it that hard? Shall I just keep going like that? I'm going to.
Make the building shake! I'm so sorry, Archie.
You're a good boy, really.
I've always found you a pleasure to teach.
Why'd you have to break the rules, Archie? Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Feel like I'm still in there, hearing his screams.
You did amazingly well, George.
I've never been more proud of you.
Right, well, that's worrying, but thanks.
Oh! Hello.
Hi, George.
Sorry, we haven't met.
I'm George.
Oh, sorry, this is Meriel.
OK.
How do you two know each other? She's a friend of mine.
Right.
Would you like some dinner? What is it? It's crow.
OK, boys, I actually need to show you something in the larder quickly.
Excuse us, Meriel.
Right, first things first, what's going on with the crow? Just roasted it, basically.
Bit of rosemary.
The important thing is not to overcook it, I find.
Yeah, I think my question was more, why is a crow on the menu in the first place? Ah, well, the butchers shop didn't have any meat.
Well, they had meat, but the problem was that because we're What did she say, Cecil? The shit on Satan's shoe.
The shit on Satan's shoe, the lady wouldn't sell us any.
But we've had the last laugh really, because we are now eating a crow.
Good.
Next up, who's the old lady in my living room? Ooh.
That's Meriel.
Yeah, who is she? Bit of a find, to be honest.
Just stumbled across her in the queue for the butchers.
A real ruby in the dust.
He keeps saying that, I don't know why.
And why have you brought her back here? Well, not to put too fine a point on it, but I'm hoping for a little bit of Sex-u-al in-ter-course.
Right.
Are you mad? Oh, here we go.
I wonder what point's coming now.
I wonder what original insight George is going to come up with next.
She's very old, Bert.
Is she, George? I hadn't noticed! What a good job you're here.
She is, though.
Yes, I know, Cecil.
I've got eyes.
She's old, she's an old lady.
She was born in 1856.
Next? 1856?! Yeah! Bad, isn't it? I don't understand why you're doing this, Bert.
Because Agnes went round telling everyone in her address book not to go near me, on account of my Chronic sleaziness? My wandering hands.
And what about Meriel, she hasn't told her? Well, no.
Meriel's about 40 years older than her so they're not really in the same social group.
40 years.
The numbers here are staggering.
Mmm.
Are you happy with this situation? What, am I happy with the fact that no girls my own age will go out with me? No.
Is it better than nothing? Don't know, actually.
But I'll tell you this much, at least I'm going down fighting.
Cecil, couldn't you have stopped any of this? He just does whatever he wants.
It's like there are no rules any more.
I don't understand why this is happening to me.
To you? This is meant to be my lovely cottage! Look at what I'm coming home to - you two entertaining an old lady, drinking brown water and eating a crow.
It's like a witches' coven in here.
Also why is the water still brown? Have you not fixed that? Do you think I'd be this thirsty if we'd fixed it? I'm sorry, Cecil, I can't really tell how thirsty you are.
Very, George.
I'm very thirsty.
I'll get it.
So, what is it you wanted to show me? What? You said you had something to show us in the larder.
No, Bert.
That was just a way of getting you to come into the larder so I could have a word in private.
So, there was nothing you wanted to show us in the first place? That is such a good trick.
Agnes.
What a pleasure.
Hello, Agnes.
Coming to check that we're taking care of your big brother? I don't have a brother.
Ooh, Agnes! I'm don't think I'll ever recover from that exquisite put-down.
Stop embarrassing yourself, Cecil.
You're just embarrassing yourself.
Oh, do you want to say it one more time, Agnes? Yeah, I do want to say it one more time because you are embarrassing yourself.
Come on, Winky, time's up.
Yep, just coming.
Hold on, sorry, what's this? Well, the thing is, George, because we are engaged, I am allowed to see you, but I've just reached the end of the allocated time that Agnes and I agreed on together.
Who's that woman? Panicking.
Oh, that's Meriel, Bert's current companion.
Very happy together.
She's quite new on the scene.
Big plans, though.
Very bright future.
She's a ruby in the dust.
Probably marry her.
Probably just go right ahead and slap a ring on it.
And then she gets the prize, and you die alone.
So don't try coming back to me, Agnes.
Do not even try.
Give it a go, if you want, I mean, things can change.
Would you like some crow? What is going on in this house? You really are barbarians.
Come on, Winky.
I'm not leaving you with these people.
Hang on, that's my wife, more or less.
You're as likely to marry Winky as I am to marry Bert? Is that a proposal? What do you think? I accept.
Never going to happen, Bert.
Hmmm, cold feet.
We're still good, though, right? Bye, George! Cheerio, Winky.
Oh, that is so good.
I think you've had enough, Cecil.
It's water.
The "water" end all wars.
What are you doing? Having a laugh.
Trying to.
Where's Meriel got to? Oh, there she is.
Oooooh, that is humiliating for you, isn't it, Bert? I'm cleaning up here.
It's everywhere.
It's everywhere I look, and there's absolutely no competition.
Good night, lads.
And to think, she's ten years younger than me.
There he is.
There's Wright.
George Wright, the maniac.
Corporal punishment's all well and good, you know, but there are limits.
Is Archie hurt? Hurt? You've torn the boy to ribbons.
It was savage.
- Right, get out.
Excuse me? You heard me, get out.
I won't have a known thug in my public house-cum-gallery space.
Don't kid yourself, love.
I'm just going to quickly use the toilet before I go.
Over my dead body.
What? That's unfair.
I've just had six pints of water.
It's my human right.
Oh, brother, I need a piss.
Just go in a bush.
Not in public.
You're such a prude.
Ah.
What's going on over there? Oh, no.
This doesn't look good.
Hesta? He's urinating on Bobby's memorial tree.
What should I do? Don't go near him.
We are dealing with pure evil, here.
Cecil, are you able to stop? I think the sooner you stop pissing, the better, to be honest, mate.
There's a few comments flying in now.
Bastard! E.
g.
bastard.
Yes, I know.
There's quite a lot more, though.
There's very little I can do at this stage.
What's that? That's the sound of the guns coming across the Channel, Bert.
Must be a big push.
It's all go.
Ooh, here we go, finishing up.
That's the main show done with.
And now, the drips.