CHiPs (1977) s01e02 Episode Script

Did you see me swishing it from the top of the key last night? Didn't even drive.
I hope you can do that during the game.
Are you kidding? I was raised on basketball.
They used to call me High-Points Ponch.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Who was your coach? Globetrotters.
I used to watch them on TV all the time.
Calling street units, L.
A.
There's a disabled female, brown four-door 450 SCL southbound one-quarter mile north of Colorado.
Golden State Unit responding.
Please answer.
L.
A.
, 7 Mary 3 and 4.
We'll check out the Mercedes.
Now give me those rings.
Come on, quick, hurry.
There she is.
Well, she's sure can't complain about the service.
Help! Help! Help! Help me! Hey, what's that joker doing? Help me! Help! Help! Help me! He robbed me.
He took everything.
- Well, do something! - Take it easy, ma'am.
We'll take care of it.
Just take it easy.
Next time, pal.
L.
A.
15, 7 Mary 4.
Roll an 11-85, a fire rig and two units for an 11-84.
Did you see the name on the side of the truck, ma'am? It was Teddy, Tommy? No, no, no.
No, no, Toluca.
Oh, I don't know.
Well, can you remember anything else? Don't you know? I mean, you sent him.
I assure you, that man had nothing to do with the highway patrol.
All I know is I called CHP and a man came and robbed me.
Even took my wedding rings.
- You okay? - Sure.
I've been in a heck of a lot worse than this.
- Let me give you a hand.
- Yes.
Man.
That stuff really does stink, don't it? Do you know what that is? - Don't you? - No.
- Where are your papers? - Don't have none.
Cargo like this has got to have papers.
Look, I asked them for papers, and all they said was: "Pull out, you're behind schedule.
" So I did.
Do you know if this stuff is explosive? No, I don't think so.
All the guys that was loading it, they was smoking.
Didn't blow up then.
Spooking a flatbed, huh, Ponch? I'm surprised at you.
Hey, call Caltrans and tell them to bring their best perfume.
You got it.
- Hey, he's okay, all right? - Yeah, I just banged my Los Angeles 15, 5 Mary.
Notify Caltrans to send one state bed truck for cleanup.
Hey, Ponch that I gotta talk to you about your deodorant, old buddy.
Very funny.
- Guess who the tow-truck driver was? - Don't tell me.
That's right.
That makes number three.
Zorro strikes again.
In fact, this time he took the lady's wedding rings.
All victims women.
Stranded and alone.
You know, he's bad news.
Yeah, we gotta catch that turkey.
You know, this stuff, this would make a great stink bomb.
I got news for you, partner, it does.
Now, we better get back to Central and write that report.
Yeah, well, I've heard that "we" bit before.
Hey, Brouillette, that's nasty stuff, man.
Oh, thank you, doctor.
I'm not kidding.
It can make you higher than a jigger of martinis.
And it can really flip you out.
Hey, where are you going? Ponch.
What are you doing? What are you doing? I gotta freshen up.
I wanna look my best for Getraer.
What are you gonna do? Ask him out? Come on, Ponch, there's a bathroom inside.
Oh, yeah but I like the great outdoors.
Hey, Ponch, you still got those hot hands? Bartley, my hands are always hot and ready.
I'm gonna make many points.
Many.
All right.
Bill, bill, junk mail.
Inter-department memo.
- Bill - Inter-department memo? - You're not gonna check it out? - In order of importance, my boy.
After the junk mail.
Have you flipped out? No, just feeling good.
You better find out what's in those Ding Dongs you eat.
Anything you say, partner.
This is it.
- What? - A message from a beautiful flower.
Oh, another one.
Hey, Joe, my good buddy and favorite sergeant.
How's your day? Is it raining out, Frank? Only around the water hose.
Look, Frank, is something the matter? Never felt better.
I mean, with the basketball game.
It's the biggie.
The L.
A.
Rams? And I'm gonna make those oil barrels roll over.
It's gonna be far-out, sergeant.
Look, Frank, I don't know what you're up to today.
And I don't think I wanna know.
I hear you guys had a run-in with our friendly neighborhood tow-truck driver.
Oh, yeah.
- Ponch here gave him quite a run.
- I sure did.
Well, why don't you guys write it up, huh? Right away, sir.
I think you better keep your eye on him.
Yeah.
Do you mind? Sorry, partner.
How you coming? Not very prolific, huh? Yeah, well, someone keeps interrupting my concentration.
Okay, I won't bug you anymore.
Target practice over.
Camellia? I mean Camille.
Hey.
Frank.
Ponch.
You called.
Now you got it.
How you doing? Me? Oh, you know, cruising down the freeway.
Oh, come on, that stuff about the quotas is a myth.
I told you that.
Oh, yeah? Yeah? I'd have to pull you over and write you a ticket.
Bribing an officer is a no-no, baby.
Oh, hey, Cam? I'm gonna be starring in a basketball game.
Yeah, that's right.
Play your cards right and you could sit right behind me.
Hey, knock it off.
Just a minute.
What's the matter? I'm trying to write a report, and you're over there playing The Dating Game.
Why don't you go down the hall and use the phone? Better yet, next time, you can write the report.
Oh, no.
Your penmanship is a lot better than mine.
Sorry, Cam, I gotta go, okay? Listen, see you at the game.
Right? Bye.
Great.
- Come on, Romeo.
- Okay.
Looks like a deuce.
Either that or his wheels are out of line.
Hey, pull it over! - Who, me? - Yeah, you! I want I don't understand what I'm doing, officer.
- Pull it over there! - Over there? - Right now! - All right.
Police harassment.
Get on that sidewalk.
Now, look.
Look here, young man.
Before you L.
A.
15, 7 Mary 3.
Roll a car unit for 11-48.
Deuce.
I'm a very prominent attorney who works very closely with the L.
A.
P.
D.
Well, I'm cHP.
See? - Oh, yes, I see.
We work very closely - 10-4, 7 Mary 3 - I'll keep that in mind if I ever need one.
- Officer.
Can you help me? - I'm lost.
- Yes, ma'am.
Now, have you been drunking? I mean, drinking? I'll have you know that I am cold-stone sober.
Well, I'll determine that.
You're gonna have to take a urine test.
Here? No way.
No.
- Then maybe a blood test.
- Are you crazy? Listen.
- You keep your hands away.
- Not here.
Those tests are for downtown.
Listen, I know the laws in this state and I'm entitled to three on-the-spot sobriety tests.
Right here.
First is the Finger on the nose, walking the straight line and - Wrong.
- Wrong? - We're gonna start with the alphabet.
- Alphabet.
A- B-C-D-F-G-I Wait a minute, wait a minute.
A- B-C-D-F? - That's not right, is it? - No "E.
" - Okay, another test.
- Okay.
Now, extend your right hand with index finger out.
Now, all you have to do is bring it around and touch the tip of your nose.
You missed.
I'll get it.
You've been drinking, you You had a few there, you've been drinking.
Thanks a lot, officer.
Yeah, and that was Excuse us, sir.
Come here.
- And don't you go anywhere.
- I'll be right here.
What's the matter? What are you doing? Look, Ponch, I think I know what's wrong with you.
- What are you talking about? - Remember those chemical cylinders we It's gotta be.
You inhaled enough of that stuff to float a blimp.
You're higher than a kite.
Now, you're gonna go to U.
c.
For observation and detox.
Oh, come on.
I don't wanna go to a hospital.
- Why not? - The Rams.
The game.
I'm the ace.
Without me, you're not gonna make any points.
Ponch, hey.
It will be our loss, okay? What about Cam? I don't wanna stand her up.
Well, the kid.
I'll give her your best.
Come on.
Don't you want to see my driver's license and my registration? Look it here.
I don't think that will be necessary, sir.
Don't say that I wasn't cooperating with L.
A.
P.
D.
I got two of them for you.
Attention Harbor Units, L.
A.
Disabled female.
Maroon BMW northbound Harbor to northbound Hollywood.
Pull it over! Pull it over right now! Party's over, hot dog.
I don't believe you.
of five to assist a disabled female.
Harbor-Hollywood interchange.
Nice play.
All right.
Come on.
Watch the time! In! Terrific, Jon, an awakening! Keep them up, keep them up.
Okay, now, let's go.
Come on.
Come on, set up, you guys.
Set a play up.
Set a play up.
- All right! - Come on, move back on defense.
Pick up your man.
Play back.
Good shot, good defense.
Rebound, get the rebound.
Guys, come on.
Get inside, get in position.
Time, time, time, come on.
- Come on.
- Come on, you guys.
- We're in a lot of trouble out there.
- Yeah, no kidding.
You see the size of those monsters? One of them stepped on my knee.
I'm lucky I can walk, let alone run.
- We could've used Ponch, man.
- Look, forget about Ponch.
Yeah, has anybody seen his date? Look, Baker, this is a lousy time to think about girls.
Sorry, sarge.
Let's get it going.
Okay, now, look.
Slow it down out there, okay? Get your shot, and for once, let's put it through the hoop, huh? All right, okay.
Here we go.
Come on.
Go.
- Go! - Go! Come on, throw it together out there.
Okay, the setup.
Come on, will you? Yeah! You gonna tell Ponch? What? Oh, that we lost the game? He's gonna find out sooner or later.
What about what's-her-name? Yeah, well, I think I'll tell him about her too.
- 10-10.
- 10-10.
- Catch you later.
- All right.
So this little chickie looks at me like it can only mean one thing, right? So I says to her, "Ain't you a little young - to be out so late, sweetheart?" - Excuse me.
So I figured, this chick is worth a ride up to the lake.
I said, excuse me.
This chick is worth a ride up to the lake.
- So we hop into my truck, we start - Come on, this is my car.
What, this little thing? Wheels ain't even big enough to carry.
- Just get off of it.
- Yeah, sure.
Soon as I finish telling the boys a story.
We hop into my truck, we start tooling up the freeway.
Fine, don't get off.
And what do you think you're doing? I'm gonna drive out of here.
You wanna go? Hey, not till I'm finished.
See what smoking does to you? - Attention, visitors - Poncherello, 422.
visiting hours will end in 10 minutes.
Attention, visitors.
Visiting hours will end in 10 minutes.
- Hey, old buddy.
- You got a penknife? I gotta get out of here.
I gotta get out.
- A screwdriver, a file? - Why, what? How about a safety pin? My clothes are in that closet.
Locked up.
Maybe they want you to pay before you leave.
I'm over the effects.
I feel fine.
I wanna get out.
Not until the doctor tells you to.
Hey, buddy, friend, you've gotta help me.
Hey, this mattress is real comfortable.
Yeah, great.
Oh, come on, Ponch, just stay overnight and you'll be home free.
I don't think I'm gonna make it.
You look a little grim.
Don't tell me the Rams beat us by 30 points.
- Forty.
- Forty? Oh, come on, you're putting me on.
You're not putting me on? I don't believe it.
You let those clumsy guys walk all over you? Clumsy? Must have been a blow to Cam not to see me there.
You mean she wasn't even there? Sorry, Ponch.
Hey, come on.
She probably thought you weren't gonna be playing, so she took a rain check.
Yeah, you're right.
She must have called Central.
But she could've come to see me here.
I hope there's a Ding Dong in this.
Two Ding Dongs and a Cream Puffy.
I'm getting out of this prison.
Poncherello wants out, Poncherello gets out.
What's going on in here? - What's that? - What is what? This is unauthorized food.
Go on, get in bed.
Down, sonny.
- And visiting's over in two minutes.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Got it? - Got it.
See what I mean? You gotta help me get that closet open.
You got it, let's get out of Where'd she come from? - I don't know.
- A friend of Getraer's? Hi.
Ready for your sponge bath? - See you, Ponch.
- Okay, partner.
- Hello, Jon.
- Hey, old buddy, how you feeling? I've never felt better.
I mean, did you hang an eye on that nurse? Yeah, as a matter of fact I thought you'd be sick for another day or so.
She gives a mean sponge bath.
Oh, don't tell me that.
Hey, but I wouldn't leave you alone in the frontlines, partner.
Thanks.
Now, you know, this is gonna be what I call "my day.
" - Oh, yeah? - Yep.
Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows.
Everything that happens to me today is gonna be right on.
Well, that's good to know, Ponch.
You know, when things are right, they're right.
Sunshine, lollipops and That doesn't look like rainbows, Ponch.
I gotta wash my shield.
Sunshine and lollipops.
Love it.
Help.
Help! Help me! Somebody, please, help me! Help! Somebody help me! Please.
- He took my money.
- Take it easy.
You can get him, hurry.
He robbed me.
Took my money.
Easy, take it easy.
L.
A.
15, 7 Mary 3.
Suspect vehicle has Tc'd near Pine and Oxford.
Send an ambulance, pursuit is Code 4.
- Take it easy, now, take it easy.
- Get away, pig, get away.
- Just take it easy.
Where you hurt? - Get away from me, pig.
- Just get away.
- Where are you hurt? Hey, what's it to you, bud? - Just lie still and take it easy.
- Right.
All right, come on, lie back.
You did this to me, bud.
No, you did it to yourself, man.
Right, right, big cop, right.
Just let go of me.
What are you doing? - Something we're taught.
- Let go of me.
Relax, it's comforting.
Keep you from going into shock.
My back's on fire, man.
My back's on fire.
Man.
- Man, I hurt, you know? - You'll be all right.
Easy, now.
Come on, buddy, you've got it.
I mean, I could I mean, I could die.
Come on, hang in there, man.
- Just lie still, okay? Talk to me.
- All right.
I didn't wanna rob that old man back there.
- Well, why'd you do it? - I needed the bread.
I got kids, you know? Hadn't worked in six months, that's why.
Yeah, you're gonna do your kids a lot of good here.
What? So, what do I tell them now, huh? Tell them that you shouldn't have been at that station.
Why don't you tell them Why don't you tell them you made a mistake, all right? Look, I'll give them a call.
I'll tell them, be at the hospital when you come.
Would you do that for me? Sure.
Hey, I'd do it for anyone.
All right.
Hey, bud, I appreciate that.
I appreciate that.
Different kind of cop, you know? Yeah.
I like to think I'm not.
Hey.
You're gonna be fine, man, all right? Right.
Just hang in there, old buddy.
Good morning, sarge.
I thought you were home recuperating.
- Have you down for a day's sick leave.
- I'm okay, I'm back for duty.
Not without a note from your doctor, you don't.
I can have it notarized, if you wish.
Look at the bloom in these cheeks.
That's health.
Yeah? Well, briefing's about to begin.
Hey, you ever get out of cars, you can get motors.
Slimy old cars.
Okay, listen up, guys.
This is important.
That tow-truck driver hit again.
Same M.
O.
? Almost, except this time the woman was not only robbed, she was roughed up.
Hospital time.
As soon as a disabled female call goes out, get there as quick as you can.
If you can get a vantage point, lay back and see what turns.
Let's put this creep out of business.
Okay.
Now, for the good news.
The Rams are gonna give us a rematch tonight at 6:00, same place.
All right.
Except this time, Mr.
Super Jock is gonna be with us, right? That's my boy.
Okay, let's do it, huh? - Come on, Ponch.
- I got it.
Something still bothers me.
I mean, I know you guys were in a bind without me.
But they can't be that quick, that nimble.
Forty points? - You'll see.
- That good, huh? Oh, they are fast.
Remember, they run for a living, we have to ride.
- Afternoon, boys.
- Hi.
May I see your license and registration, please? L Right away.
Driver's license.
There you are.
And what was that other? - Registration.
- Registration, right.
There you are.
All legal.
What seemed to be your rush, Mr.
Sullivan? Well, surf's up.
Surf's up.
Surf's up.
Who's the wise guy in the back? Oh, nobody.
Nobody.
Nobody.
Shut up, Babalu.
You and your friend better step out.
Well, now, that ain't as easy as it sounds, officer.
And why is that? Well, he don't exactly take to strangers much.
We'll try to be as friendly as possible.
Now, both of you step out.
- You really did it now, Babalu.
- Surf's up.
Come on up.
Surf's up.
Babalu.
Come on, Babalu.
These boys mean business.
- Surf's up.
Surf's up.
- This is my day for birds.
Pretty bird.
Hello.
- Pretty bird.
- That's a pretty bird.
- Pretty bird.
- Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
You owe these boys an apology.
Apology.
- Hey, wait a minute.
Look over there.
- Hello.
Pretty bird.
Pretty bird.
Help has arrived.
Yeah, but he's already got a car in tow.
Yeah, kind of hinky, huh? - Better check it out.
- Okay.
Mr.
Sullivan, next time, you leave a little earlier, you won't have to speed.
- Hope you catch a pipeline.
- Pipeline.
Pipeline.
Well, we beat another one, didn't we? Another one.
Am I glad to see you.
It must be overheated or something.
I don't - Step over here, please.
- Just what do you think you're doing? L.
A.
15, 7 Mary 3 and 4 in pursuit of a 211 tow truck north on the Golden State approaching Ventura Interchange.
northbound on Golden State approaching the Ventura Interchange.
He's gonna overshoot the off-ramp.
We've got him.
Look out, Ponch! Get up here.
Get up here.
Put your right hand on your head.
Resisting arrest.
That's good for another year in the slammer.
Hey, easy, easy, big man.
No, you're the big man.
Especially when you come up against helpless women.
Well, they think you're out there protecting them.
Hey, we try, you know.
We really try.
Until some creep like you comes along and scares them to death.
Don't take it so personal.
Hey, man, I do take it personal.
You know why? That could be my mother or my sister.
All right, okay, Ponch, all right.
I think slick got the message, all right? Nice day for a swim, Ponch.
About that uniform damage you put in for.
The guy insisted on dancing in the mud.
That was no cherry patch out there, sarge.
Yeah, four counts of robbery.
We did good, huh? Yeah, you did good, Ponch.
Now, be just as big a hero on the court.
I'll do my best, sarge.
Okay, come on, partner, let's hit them with both barrels.
Come on.