Clerks (2000) s01e02 Episode Script

[ Announcer .]
Next week on Clerks.
[ Telephone Ringing .]
- Hello? No way.
- [ Voice Speaking Rapidly .]
It's my day off.
I'm not comin' in! I don't care what it is-- fire, flood, robbery.
What? We were robbed? I'll be right there.
Crime scene.
Nobody enters.
- I work here, sir.
- Poor bastard.
It's pretty gruesome.
- [ Door Bell Ringing .]
- They tore this place apart.
Animals.
Actually, officer, this is how we left it last night.
Son, you sell cigarettes here.
Show some pride.
Remember: The first step to respecting yourself is respecting the job.
Almost forgot.
Do you have a copy of Fat Chics? [ Announcer .]
Clerks is drawn before a live studio audience.
[ Scoffs .]
There you are.
Are you gonna open the video store? In a minute, you harpie.
- Good morning.
- It's 11:59.
- Still technically the morning.
- [ Chuckling .]
He's got you there.
- Who's this? - This is a locksmith.
He's putting new locks on all the doors.
- We were robbed.
- Was it you? - Inside job? - No! Okay, all done here.
Nobody is getting in this door.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I should get back.
They broke into my place too.
This thing looks pretty flimsy.
Randal, remember what that guy said? [ Locksmith's Voice .]
Nobody is getting in this door.
Sorry.
I forgot my tools.
- I think we should test it out.
- Fine.
Test it out.
- Seems pretty good.
- I stand corrected.
- What are you doing in here? - I wanted to test it too.
Great.
Now we're locked in.
What? We're trapped? This is all your fault.
We're gonna die! We're gonna die! Calm down! - God, it's cold.
- [ Shudders .]
It's Hoth cold.
Move around.
Make more Star Wars references.
It helps to stay warm.
You know, if this were a sitcom and we got locked in a freezer, we'd probably flash back to all our old episodes.
Yeah.
[ Chuckling .]
Say, do you remember that time Leonardo Leonardo opened that convenience store across the street? Oh, yeah.
The convenience store of the future.
I give you, the people of Leonardo, the future! Boy, I thought we were in trouble for sure.
Speaking of trouble, how about that time Leonardo had us up to his office? I want to offer you a job working here for me.
I want you lock, stock and barrel.
- Is this some sort of gay thing? - No.
- You're sure? - Yes.
- That was the same time.
- What? That was the same time Leonardo opened the convenience store across the street.
Right.
Well, what about the time we had to break into Leonardo's office? We're almost there.
Why are we walking like this? That was also the same time.
- So? - So, a lot more's happened to us than just last week.
Oh, yeah? Name something.
Well-- Ah! Do you remember the first time we ever met? Oh, yeah.
We're almost there.
Why are we walking like this? That wasn't the first time we met.
That was last week again.
Sorry.
The cold must be getting to me.
You gotta stay awake.
Someone will find us.
Now, think back.
Do you remember the first time we met? Oh, my God.
That was 15 years ago.
[ New Wave .]
Dante, this is Randal.
Randal, Dante.
- Hey.
- Hi.
God.
I can't believe what we looked like back then.
You know, I don't think that is the first time we ever met each other.
- Of course it is.
- No, wait.
When we were little, did you ever have a lemonade stand? [ Man .]
Flashing back to little Randal in the '70s selling lemonade.
Does this lemonade have sugar in it? I'm a diabetic.
I don't know.
Sure.
Oh, well, never mind.
What? Then no.
- Really? - Whatever.
- What's that? - [ Angelic Chorus .]
Hey, Randal, I want you to meet my cousin, Dante.
- Hi.
- Hey.
So, do you remember meeting me? Huh? Yeah, whatever.
- It's frozen.
- [ Door Bell Ringing .]
Hey, it's Mrs.
Koren.
She'll help us.
- I knew the customers had to be good for something eventually.
- Mrs.
Koren! [ No Audible Dialogue .]
She took my coat.
I carry her groceries all the time.
The weed of crime bears bitter fruit, you old hag! Wow.
Where have I heard that before? The weed of crime bears bitter fruit, you old hag! This is for you.
[ Sobbing .]
Oh, yeah.
Boy, her mother was hot.
Hey, do you think there's enough air in here? - No.
- You know what this reminds me of? The last time we got locked in a freezer.
Remember? Let's make sure, whatever we do, this never happens again.
You know what this reminds me of? The last time we got locked in a freezer.
Remember? Let's make sure, whatever we do, this never happens again.
All right, well, let's make sure that this time, whatever we do, this never happens again.
Hey, how'd we get out of the freezer those last two times? - You know, I don't remember.
- Me neither.
Weird.
- Snooch to the nooch.
- How did you get in here? - The metal thing with the knob.
- It's a door.
Don't let it shut.
Locked.
- Are we stuck in here? - Yep.
- Cool! - Psst.
They're using all our air.
No they're not.
[ Gasps .]
Soda monster! It's amazing what you can do with ice.
Man, it's cold in here, like that planet Hoth in Empire.
We've already made that Star Wars reference.
If we had a light saber, I could-- [ Making Light Saber Sounds .]
slice up tubby here, and we could crawl inside him and stay warm for the night.
Let me out! Someone! How'd youse guys get stuck in here anyway? That's easy.
I remember it just like it was yesterday.
I'm going to restock the shelves, and then I'm off to accept my Nobel Peace Prize.
- As for you, Dante, don't let that door shut.
- [ Cat Screeching .]
I'm the biggest idiot ever.
That's not what happened.
That's not what happened at all.
- Dude, you're a tool.
- He doesn't even have a Peace Prize! Yeah, right.
You know, one time, me and Silent Bob were by this metal thing with a knob.
Snooch to the nooch.
- Youse guys remember that? - Yes! You just did it.
Deja-frickin'-vu.
Well, that was pointless.
- Yeah.
- How about you? We're almost there.
Why are we walking like this? You know, we've been in here for almost six hours.
It's funny.
Sitting here, trapped in a freezer, waiting to die, you know what I've been thinking about? Which one of them we're gonna eat? - No.
I was thinking of Kaitlin Bree.
- Oh, I knew that chick.
- She was sweet! - Kaitlin and I went steady for most of high school.
You know, I lost my virginity to her.
Duh.
I know that.
I was there.
Oh, Kaitlin.
Ah, Kaitlin-Shmaitlin.
She cheated on you all the time, broke your heart and left you an obsessed wreck of a man who works - in a convenience store.
- You work here too.
At least I have my dignity, and tapes of you having sex with Kaitlin.
You know, she only cheated on me once.
Oh, yeah? Remember the time she got you to help paint her house? - Nobody's perfect.
- Do you remember what happened at your dad's birthday party? For he's a jolly good fellow which nobody can deny Where's Kaitlin? I thought it was weird that she invited the painter to my dad's birthday party.
And how about that time at the painter's birthday party? [ Party Horns Blaring .]
I thought it was weird that the painter invited us - to his birthday party.
- I rest my case.
Man, give the guy a break.
You're like the cops.
I remember this one time Silent Bob and I were on the run.
[ Siren Wailing .]
- She was with two painters? - At the same time.
- I understand.
- Dude, it was a three-way! - What do you say we talk about-- - An all-painter three-way, man! Randal, how would you like it if we talk about your love life? You always have to bring this up? - You ordered an Asian mail-order bride.
- He did? Well, it turns out Randal filled out the form wrong.
Instead of ordering a mail-order bride-- I got a mail-order husband.
I go to work now at factory.
Dinner must be on the table at 5:15 when I return.
Look, buddy, I don't know who you think-- How dare you talk back! You have disgraced me.
Now, walk me to my car.
You are to remain three steps behind me at all times.
- Fine.
- No talking! Ew! You were married to a dude? Actually, it wasn't so bad.
- I am pleased! - [ Giggling .]
Domo, Toshiro-san.
Dude, so what happened to your guy husband? His company transferred him back to Japan, thank God.
Right, Randal? Right.
Good-bye, Toshiro, wherever you are.
Well, look on the bright side.
You know what they say: "Unlucky at love, lucky at cards.
" That's us to a "T.
" You lose! I guess we're not lucky at cards or love.
Which is why we almost became priests, remember? - [ Church Bells Tolling .]
- [ Cardinal .]
Do you, Novitiates Hicks and Graves, before God and His church, now voluntarily take the solemn vows of obedience, poverty and chastity? [ Together .]
We do.
Then by the powers invested in me by the state of New Jersey, I now pronounce you man and wife.
[ Together .]
What? I can't believe I married two guys in one year.
Come on, Silent Bob.
Let's get out of here before this guy makes you his next bride.
How are you gonna manage that, genius? Oh, my God.
We're free! [ Together .]
Free, free, free! No, I meant we're free.
Can you give me a lift? I just have to grab something from the video store.
It's 3:00 a.
m.
My baby has been home alone since this morning.
- Where have you been? - Sorry, ma'am.
We close at 9:00.
Uh-oh.
The key broke in the lock.
We're trapped? Again? Hello? Anyone? Lady with the dead baby? It's official.
God is mocking us.
- Man, it's hot in here.
- Turn on the AC.
[ Shuddering .]
It's like a freezer in here.
You broke the air conditioning, and now it's freezing.
- Use your crowbar again.
- It wasn't me, remember? Oh, yeah.
- Even though I remember who had the crowbar, - [ Cat Screeching .]
I'm still the biggest idiot ever.
- Stop that.
- Hey, you wanna watch a video? - Good idea.
What do you got? - Spielberg's latest opus.
It combines his nose for commercial properties with his integrity as a chronicler of the holocaust.
Flintstone's List.
Liam Neeson as "Fred.
" We're not watching that.
Hey, remember the time we watched that? Take them away.
Amistad was much funnier.
You know, sitting here with all these movies, I was just thinking about all the cool celebrities that have stopped into the Quick Stop over the years.
Yeah, we've sure seen our share of stars for a little convenience store in New Jersey.
- Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
- I'm on a break.
- Why does 2% milk-- - I don't care.
I'm on a break.
Get out of here! - But I have a membership.
Paltrow, Gwyneth.
- I said, get out of here.
- We're closed.
Get the hell out! - [ Screams .]
Get the hell out, Scorsese! Screw you, Miss Hepburn! Up yours, Matt Damon! - It's Ted Danson! - Hey, it's Ted Danson! Hey, it's Ted Danson.
It's payback time.
- [ Glass Shattering .]
- [ Man Screams .]
And that's just some of the fun we've had here in Leonardo.
How about all the places we've travelled over the years? Do you remember that contest we won? Two weeks in merry old London, England.
Working in an English convenience store.
Ahh, this is the life.
We've just gotta get away more often.
- Pack of fags.
- You're a fag.
- It's a cigarette, mate.
- I'm not your mate, fag.
Boy, it wasn't until years later that we found out what "fag" really meant, right, mate? - You're a fag.
- No.
- A fag's a cigarette, remember? - You're a cigarette.
Well, at least that London trip was a lot better than our next trip.
Amongst the living dead of India.
Do you have any chutney, lassie? - In the back next to the milk.
- We don't have any milk.
- We do now.
- [ Gasps .]
Milk! - [ Mooing .]
- How come all you convenience store guys are always American? Speak Hindu.
- Boy, that trip was really ironic.
- Yeah, that was some great irony.
But let's not forget our most memorable trip of all.
Ew.
Let's get out of here.
You know, lookin' back, I'd say we make a pretty good team.
Except for that time we moved out of our folks' places and got an apartment together.
Remember how we split it in half like a bad sitcom? That's your side, this is mine.
I better not see you touchin' my side.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Hey, stupids, I live here too.
- Right, yeah.
- Uh, sorry.
- [ Audience Applauding .]
Then I found us a great place to live at that beach house, but you got us thrown out from the Real World.
You're kickin' Randal out? You're kickin' Randal out? Oh, like none of you have ever done what Randal did.
Randal doesn't need this.
He's been my friend for years, but it was too creepy.
He just kept referring to himself in the third person.
Randal doesn't need them.
Randal will start his own Real World.
And I did, with the help of the store security camera.
Welcome to Randal's Real World.
It doesn't get any realer than this piece of footage.
Let's take a look.
[ Randal .]
I'm Dante, and I'm the biggest idiot ever.
- I never saw your show.
- You'd have loved it.
Speaking of shows, how about that time I won the big dance contest with Joanie Cunningham.
That wasn't you.
That was Fonzie on an episode of Happy Days.
Oh, yeah.
Boy, Happy Days had a lot of great moments.
Do you remember the one where the Fonz jumped over all those trash cans outside of Arnold's? - Hey! - [ Tires Screeching .]
And how about the one where the Fonz jumped over the shark? Wow! Hey! Hey! Or what about the time Richie was on the dude ranch and Joanie fell asleep on the wagon-- We talked about old Happy Days episodes for the rest of the night.
When we didn't come home, my mom sent the cops to look for us.
They had to break down the door of the video store.
And that's when we remembered there was a phone we could've used.
- See you guys later.
Good game.
- See ya.
- Great story.
We'll see you later.
- Come on, Randal.
Let's go home.
- I don't believe this! - Come on.
Wait a minute.
There's a door over there.
[ Man Narrating .]
I didn't see much of the guys after that night.
- [ "Stand By Me" .]
- Dante moved away.
He's married now, I heard.
Randal? Well, he owns the video store.
I always say hi when I stop in.
Skeeter was drafted and killed in Vietnam.
As for Silent Bob, well, he became Senator Robert Blutarski.
They were my best friends.
Grandpa, you promised you'd take us for ice cream.
Okay.
Let's go.
Snooch to the nooch.
[ Announcer .]
Next week on Clerks.
Now, let's make sure, whatever we do, this never happens again.
[ Chuckling .]
You said it! We're almost there.
Why are we walking like this? - It's been raining all day.
- I'm bored.
I know.
Let's make a movie.
Take off your shirt.
- [ Jay .]
Hold it, kids.
- Oh, my God! - It's Jay and Silly Bob! - That's Silent Bob.
- And NBA great, Charles Barkley! - Hey, kids.
I thought we told you to get out of here! Now that he's gone, how would you kids like to learn a magic trick? [ Together .]
Yea! Watch what happens when we take an ordinary quarter, cover it with this glass and a handkerchief, and say the magic words.
- Alika-nooch! - It's gone! That's right.
Now, how would you, and you at home, like to learn the secret? First, get your mom's permission to use the scissors.
Find a piece of paper, three pieces of tape and an ordinary drinking glass.
First, we cut a small paper circle and tape it to the glass.
That way the quarter's covered when we put the glass over it.
Then we say the magic words, alika-nooch, and evoke the dark lord, Satan.
We offer this girl's soul to you, Master.
And the quarter is gone.
- Ta-da! - That's great! - I'm scared.
- Thanks, Jay.
- Thanks, Silent Bob.
- Sure.
Whatever.
And remember, just because it rains-- - Doesn't mean you can't have a parade.
- What? Now take off your shirt.