Clone High (2002) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Previously, on a very special Clone High.
Tempers flared.
Robotic butlers cared.
Saliva was shared.
And you, the audience, were moved very, very deeply.
Trust me.
Way way back in the 1980s' Secret government employees Dug up famous guys and ladies And made amusing genetic copies Now the clones are sexy teens, now They're gonna make it if they try Loving learning challenge judging Time to laugh and shiver and Cry Clone High, Clone High All students are special at Clone High, but only some students are ostracised because they are special.
That is why it is my great pleasure, as president of the student body, to officially dedicate this impassable moat protecting us from the Special Ed classroom.
I'm surprised Cleopatra didn't fill the moat with acid.
Actually, Cleo says it would kill the piranhas.
Joan of Arc, don't think about the moat in terms of its devisive ignorance, think of it as an opportunity for building community.
Hey, community! Skinny dipping in the piranha moat! Everybody get naked! Finally, I won't be running for re-election this year.
This is probably the last time I'll ever use these oversized novelty scissors, unless a giant needs a haircut! Oh god! I've gotta go console her.
Abe Lincoln, don't! She's just trying to get attention and you're falling for it! Ugh, it makes me so mad I could kiss you! What was that last part? I'm sorry, what? No, I I said, I I I cou-- I could piss glue As in uh, "Oh, I'm so angry I I could piss glue".
- I've never heard of that.
- It's a very common expression.
Well, see ya.
Stupid, Joan.
Real stupid.
Oh, JFK.
I can't bear to talk about it.
Thank god, because I hate it when-- It all started freshman year, I was elected president.
But now But now Oh, JFK.
There, there.
It's term limits, Jack.
Dirty, dirty term limits My only hope is that someone, and I have no idea who, could run, win, abolish term limits, resign, and endorse me as his replacement.
But who? Who? Thank you JFK.
Thank you, For your courage.
Can we make out now? Totally.
Hey Cleo.
Your secret army of cloned historical figures is maturing according to schedule.
I'm sorry, Scudworth, is that a scale model behind you labelled "Dr Scudworth's Evil Plan"? Saaay.
Where'd you get those fresh Pumas, bro? Actually, we're sponsored by Puma.
These bad boys are catalogue only.
If you're implying that I intend to steal the clones away from you, and use them in an expensive clone themed amusement park, then shame on you! By the by, could I have two million dollars? You know, for dry erase markers and such! They've got some keen new colours, and kiwi, and mango For giggles, I'm going to keep saying no until you turn the TV off.
No no no no no no no no no.
Perhaps you could get Clone High a coperate sponsor.
Those Pumas were rather freeesh.
Sell out? And turn the school into an ad for some profit-hungry corporation? Why, that idea's as foolish as getting new brakes from anywhere but Midas.
I can't believe that JFK is running unopposed.
I mean, you'd think with a school full of world leaders, someone would be into student government.
Well, I'm a genetic dupilcate of Abe Lincoln.
I'm not fit to be president.
If I only knew what fears and insecurities were holding me back.
Abe, you should run.
I mean together, we'll fight for things that really matter, like new bishops for the chess club! So what you're saying is, if I run for president, I can get Cleo to like me.
That's why she likes JFK, because he's a natural leader.
Great idea, Joan.
Clumsy, Joan.
Reeaally clumsy.
So your product is called X-STREAM BLU! IT'S A POWER SNACK! STICK IT IN YOUR FACE HOLE! Is it something you eat? It's really just pancake batter mixed with blue house paint in a blue sports bottle.
SICK! TIGHT! CYBER AWESOME! I see.
Now, for allowing you to test market this X-Stream Blu on my students, I am willing to be paid two million dollars.
Allow me to confer with my associates.
TO THE MAX! I HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM! We accept your offer.
Dead presidents, Mr B! Ask not what your student body president can do for you! Ask what you can do to your student body president's body! Abe, there's nothing to worry about.
He's making empty promises and detailing his workout routine.
And on Fridays, I do abs and legs, but not calves! As you recall, I do those, with my lats, on Wednesdays! Thank you! Good luck.
My name is Abraham Lincoln, and I'm running for student body president! I love you, JFK! We've got a lot of, uh, tough issues facing us right now such as adding a second session of AP Calculus for those who have a conflicting class with AP Physics! But, first and foremost, we must get tinted windows for the albino wing! Okay, you're done Young men and women, please give it up, for the X-Stream Blu, Mega Crew! Hey everyone, I'm Tyler, that's Paco, and we want you to get up out of your seats and clap your hands to the beat! 'Cause we're here to tell ya about X-Stream Blu! A new, wicked food product that lives where X-Stream meets Blu! It comes in a totally sick wide mouthed squeeze bottle! EMAIL! That looks so good! What's in it? Great question! Have a t-shirt! That totally answers my question! Man, the audience was not havin' that.
Huh guys? Uh, Abe? Just give me a few more minutes of denial.
Abe, Abe! Your speech wasn't that bad! O-okay, maybe the encore, not the best idea idea, but the speech itself-- What stinks in here, man? Oh yeah, it's your campaign.
You died out there.
I mean, that assembly was like this boom this! You're the boom.
No matter how hard I try to live up to the real Abe Lincoln, I always fail! Hey, don't worry man, your problems are answered.
See, I met these really cool guys after the assembly that will so get you.
Guys, come on in here, man! X-STREAM BLU IN THE HIZZOUSE! FLIP A NOLLIE AND TURN IT UP! LINCOLN AND X-STREAM BLU WILL LITERALLY CRUNCH THE GOOGLY TO THE MAX! HOT SAUCE! See, they wanna sponsor your campaign.
And all you gotta do, is abandon your values, and promote their product by doing some dangerous extreme sports related stunts! JUST SIGN THIS LEGIT-ASS CONTRACT! AND TOTALLY INITIAL ARTICLE SEVEN! MY SON WON'T EVEN LOOK ME IN THE EYE ANYMORE! W-w-wait.
What about the issues, Abe? What about the carpet in the library? Ooh, Abe's big choice.
Ooh, I wonder what it will be? I'm so worried.
I'll never make it.
Maybe I can help, slice dawg! Blushi! But I'm not match for that gang of snow sharks! Don't worry, bro! Blushi gonna stream it hardcore! No way! Hop on, it's pram sports you! Let's go surf the internet! But what should we do with all this X-Stream Blu? Spray it in your face and slam it! Abe Lincoln, for student body president.
Do you think it's too much? Abe, I just polled everyone in the girl's bathroom.
You're ahead! I knew the polls-- did you say I was winning?! Straight up, man.
Numbers don't lie.
I'm the number five! Cleo! Why are you crying? I just don't think things are going to work out with JFK.
I am so sorry.
I need someone to comfort me.
Someone who's leading the polls.
And who's named Abe.
Wait.
You're named Abe.
Aren't you, Abe? To the max, Cleo.
To the max.
That's it! All the pictures of him I have over my bed are coming down! Except for that one where's he's under the tree with his shirt off.
We're rich, Mr B! Bling bling.
But shouldn't you be saving some of this money for your secret plan instead of having me gold plated and lowered? Don't get all up in my business, my hydraulically outfitted friend.
Why, I watched the first two thirds of the Mc Hammer Behind The Music, and if there's one thing I've learned about money, it's that it never runs out! Hey uh, gay foster dads? How do I get everyone to like me? Baby, a lot of people liked the original JFK because he was such a caring leader, and he inspired a generation of young people! I thought he was a macho, womanising stud, who conquered the MOON! Hark! That sounds like the gentle knock of a vulnerable teenage girl! You're wet.
Allow me to dry you off with my pants! I wanna manage your campaign.
Hey, whatever you're into.
Dads! I'm gonna be uh, busy nailing this kinky broad for the next fifteen minutes! Would you shut up? I'm here because I can't stand Abe being Cleo's puppet.
And you can't win the election without my help.
Here's what we're gonna do.
And then Well how about Dental dam! Bobby! Okay, no dental dam.
Folks, for my next totally outrageous campaign stunt, I will ride this board, which is connected by a bungee cord, to this monster truck, which my friend Gandhi will drive back and forth on this half pipe.
Just like the real Abe Lincoln would've done, had he the tools to do so.
Hey everybody! Something is uh, on the er, closed circuit TV! Abraham Lincoln.
Honest Abe.
Or so he'd have you believe.
Last year, Abe said he was fifteen years old.
Now he claims to be sixteen.
Which is it, Abe? Better keep your story straight.
He'd also like you to believe that he's not a baby eater.
He's never gone on record saying he isn't.
Maybe he's too busy eating babies.
I can't wait to eat this-- Baby? When's it gonna stop, Abe? Not voting for Abe.
It just makes sense.
Where did JFK get my spaghetti video? JFK would like to thank Joan of Arc for her help on this ad! Hey, turn that frown upside down, Abe.
At least it can't any worse.
How many times have I told you not to say that? Now something worse is gonna happen.
I've seen it on Happy Days, watch.
In three.
Two.
One.
Abe.
Abe.
I'm really confused about my feelings right now.
I think I just need some time to be alone.
With JFK.
Wait.
At least it can't get any better! It doesn't work that way, Gandhi.
The heart in my mind has been hoping And the mind and my heart has been wishing Abe? What are you doing here? I come out here to think sometimes.
Me too.
Well right now all I can think about is not thinking about you over there on your thinking dock, thinking about what you did.
I was only trying to help, Abe.
You don't know what you're getting into.
What she's getting you into.
You don't know what you're getting into! And that's out of, my friendship.
And you know what hurts the most, Joan? This nail I just stepped on.
But there's a metaphorical nail in my other foot that hurts the second most, and it's from you backstabbing me.
So maybe instead of the nail metaphor, I should've used a stabbing metaphor, but it's too late for that now, isn't it? I guess it is.
That's where you're wrong, Joan! Because I'm going to win that election with the most dangerous campaign stunt since Dukakis jumped the Snake River Canyon.
Goodbye, Joan.
Goodbye, Joan.
Hello, Clone High! X-Stream Blu presents, the X-Stream Blu high school presidential debate! With celebrity panelists Marilyn Manson, Mena Suvari, and introducing Murray T.
Wayans! And now.
He risks his ass to thrill his class, Aaaaaaaabe Lincooooln! And on this podium, captain, of the football team, and el capitan of the fútbol team, J! F! K! I can't see, due to the glare, from Mena Suvari's enormous forehead! The next question is for JFK.
How do you respond to the criticism that, unlike Abe and myself, you won't put yourself at risk of physical harm in order to gain approval.
That is a uh, good question, scary androgynous white guy! And I would like to reply by uh, taking my shirt off! My bare chested opponent raises a good point.
But he's avoiding the fact that X-Stream Blu is mad packed with all nine essential nutrimites to fortify your X-zone! - May I respond to that? - Yes you may.
Abe's a tot muncher! Oh yeah? For my rebuttal, I'd like to dramatically gesture to this giant death defying skateboard ramp behind me.
I intend to ride said ramp.
Gandhi? You may now attach the skateboard To my head! Abe, it all comes down to thiiiiiis.
Gaaaaaaaaaaaandhiiiiiii! - Marilyn Manson? - Yes.
It is my professional opinion, as a singer and a licensed doctor, that this student is suffering from malnutrition.
Mena? I'm going to need one milligram of sub-cue glucagon, stat! How can this be? What have I done? Fellow students, X-Stream Blu is a sham.
For four days straight, Gandhi ate nothing but pancake batter and blue house paint.
A shallow ploy, by Racist Mammy Breakfast Foods, to jazz up an old product with extreme marketing.
The same marketing scheme I used to win your votes.
Well, I don't deserve your votes! I suck! There goes our ghetto fabulous lifestyle.
Bling, bling.
Wait, everyone.
You should vote for Abe.
Because a real leader does what Abe just did, and what he always does.
He stands up for the right thing, even if it makes him look like a jackass.
That's the kind of jackass I want in my corner.
That's the highest score yet on the Applause-O-Meter, the official voting system of Clone Hiiigh.
Looks like Lincoln is your new president.
You're gonna make a great-ass president.
Thanks, Joan.
For showing me how to be a real-ass leader.
Hey, check out that stray puppy! Oh my god, he is so cute! And he's licking that dead Smurf's face! Fine, whatever! This random dog is your new president! Hey there, president.
That's a cute collar.
Well, we sure learned a lot today.
I'll say.
But there's just one thing I don't understand, Doctor Manson.
How does a growing boy like me eat a healthy, balanced diet? Well Gandhi, I'll tell you.
The only way I know how.
The ancient pharaohs were not too bright they say But they made on contribution that I live by to this day It's the food pyramid and it's approved by the USDA Oh grains are the foundation So please take my advice Have five to eleven servings of bread, cereal or rice Three to five of vegetables and four of fruits is best Their antioxidants and fibre help you to digest Three servings of yoghurt, milk and cheese Will help your bones and subsidise the cattle industries A body needs to grow And growing takes proteins That's why meat can be a tasty treat like fish or human beings When you eat your sweets Make sure you try To limit your serving Or you'll DIIIEEE!! Everybody! My body is a pyramid that's made of healthy food.
So do what we say! Eat right every day! Food! IIIII looooove yooooou! Buy American.
Well I guess we did learn that.
Next time, on a very special Clone High.
Someone open mouthed kisses someone else.
So set your VCRs for stunned.
Because you will be.
Oh, you will be.