Close Enough (2020) s01e02 Episode Script


Aww, I can't believe
you're going on your
very first sleepover!
Please, Mom, I'm not some baby.
Did you pack Mr. Bun Bun?
And Mr. Num Num.
Oh, thank God.
Bye!
Have a great time!
[SOBS] Wow, I didn't know
I was gonna feel this-- this
freakin' pumped!
We haven't had a night
to ourselves in five years.
We can do whatever we want!
We have nothing holding us back!
[GASPS]
TOGETHER: We can run errands!
Turn down for what? ♪
[♪♪♪]
Turn down for what? ♪
[♪♪♪]
Turn down for what? ♪
[♪♪♪]
Turn down for what? ♪
[♪♪♪]
Turn down for what? ♪
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[CHUCKLES]
Kid-free night.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Your sticky toffee
mincemeat brandy bun
is cram-jammed with flavor!
Ahh, it is so cram-jammed.
How'd she get the meat
so minced?
Bridgette!
Grab a Snuggie
and get in on this action.
Sorry, can't.
I'm going out
to Logan's tonight.
It's the hot club right now.
Boo! A club?
Come on, it's Crumpet Week!
Yeah, so, remember how we agreed
to warn each other
if we ever started to turn,
you know
old?
What?
Just 'cause we're drinking
lavender dreamtime tea?
Lavender dreamtime?
Uh, yes, please!
First pour, though.
Daddy doesn't like it
too strong.
Guys, you have a whole night
to yourselves
and this is what
you're gonna do with it?
You're old.
No, we're
not?
[EASY LISTENING MUSIC PLAYS]
[♪♪♪]
[GULPING]
[BEEPING]
Good night!
[MOTOR WHIRRING]
Lavender dream time?
Uh, yes, please!
Take us with you!
[TIRES SCREECH]
- You sure?
- Yes.
We'll party just like
the old days--
rage all night
and then stumble
into Brite Spot at dawn
for chocolate-chip pancakes.
Yeah!
Let's do this right!
[GUITAR RIFF]
[CHUCKLES]
Hope you guys like Weezer.
[ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]
TOGETHER: Whoa!
- Whoo, whoo!
- Whoo!
[♪♪♪]
Hey, my dude, my man, my bro.
What's a guy got to do to get
a few shots around here?
Uh, stop trying so hard?
Four tequilas, please.
Huh?!
Uh
[BEEP, CHIME]
Whoa!
One hundo percent.
So lit. Thanks.
To being lit!
To being lit!
To being lit!
[CHUCKLES]
"Lit" means cool.
Alright, I'm just gonna
go over here
while you guys
are talkin' like that.
Wait, isn't he, like,
some big YouTuber?
Yeah-- Jaxon Pill.
Samsung paid him a hundred grand
to unbox a Galaxy,
and he literally shit
all over it.
Mama, mama, red pajama.
See you guys.
I'mma go slide
into his DMs, IRL.
Isn't he a little young?
M'kay, byeeeee!
Three more shots, please.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[SWITCH CLICKS]
Ha!
Closing time! ♪
Yeaaaah, son!
Ooh! Let's go get
those pan-que-ques!
Huh? Oh. Whoops.
[MUSIC RESUMES, PEOPLE SHOUT]
Sorry, my bad!
Rage on!
Wait, it's not closing time?
[CHUCKLES]
Nah, bro, it's only
[SLO-MO]
Niiiine fifteeeeeen.
[♪♪♪]
Hunh!
Daaamn, you've got
six million subscribers?
Plus four milly on Insta.
You wanna come back to my crib?
I got a custom Lambo.
So Gucci, right?
Soooo Gucci.
Ugh, there's nowhere to sit,
and my back is killing me!
What?!
I said my back is killing me!
Yeah, totally.
I don't know about you,
but my back is killing me!
Should we just
call it a night?
We can't!
That would be admitting
we're old lame-os.
Ugh, what's wrong with me?
I'm already so friggin' tired.
Guys, I think I'm
old.
[GROANS]
- Whoa, hey, watch out.
Hey, barkeep!
You got any, uh, craft beers?
Maybe a double IPA?
[SNIFFS]
I'm gonna need to see
some ID, bro.
Really?
[CHUCKLES] Wow.
Thank you, Rogaine!
I've got boxers older than 21.
[CHUCKLES]
Congrats, bro, you qualify
for our VIP room!
[ALARM BLARING]
[CROWD CHANTING "VIP!"]
VIP? Ohh, man.
I can't wait to post
about this on Tripadvisor.
Whoa!
I wanna do that!
How do you get to be a VIP?
[LAUGHING]
Whoa!
[CHANTING CONTINUES]
Oh, my God.
It's so beautiful.
Huh? Whoa.
What? No!
Oh, my God!
[SPLAT]
Holy crap!
What the hell was that?!
Dude thought he could
cruise in here
over the age of 30
and not get executed?
SMH, bruh.
[♪♪♪]
Josh, I don't want to die!
We gotta find Bridgette
and get outta here!
We can't let anyone in here
know we're over 30.
[♪♪♪]
Mmmm!
Mmm.
So what's up, girl?
You wanna come back to my crib?
[LAUGHING]
Uh, okay!
But just to hang out.
I'm not some YouTube groupie.
Hey, that's cool.
We'll do a little screen time,
PBS Kids and chill,
get my mom
to whip us up some snacks
You still live
with your mom?
And weekends at my dad's.
He's so strong.
Uh
Wait-- how old are you?
Me?
I just turned 26--
Oh, whew!
months.
26 months.
What?!
[♪♪♪]
[GASPS]
Oh, my God!
You're a baby?!
Nah, I'm a big boy.
I haven't had breast milk
in over a year.
Though in your case, girl,
shoot, I'd go back on that teat.
I'm going to jail!
Bridgette!
Are you shitting me?
[SNIFFING]
Oh, wait.
No, that's my bad.
[PANTING]
Ugh!
Can I, uh, see some ID, my man?
What?! Why?
We're-- We're hella young.
Right, bae?
Uhh
For realsies.
Like, seriously, I'm
about to get a Bird scooter home
and just jump on
my parents' insurance.
[BOING]
Hmm
That checks out.
My bad! [LAUGHS]
Thought you were VIPs
for a second there.
Ha!
No worries, my dude.
We gotta jet, but hit me up
on the Facebook.
Only old people use Facebook.
Uh no, I meant
Snapchat! Venmo?
Uh
Look at me floss.
[GRUNTING]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]
ALEX: I remember
Blockbuster Video!
[CROWD GASPS]
That's right.
I owned cassette singles!
I used AOL
to "surf the Web."
I am
old!
[ALARM BLARING]
[CROWD CHANTING "VIP!"]
[ALARM BLARING]
What the hell are you doing?!
I'm just a tired old man
who can't even party anymore.
If anybody should die tonight,
it's me.
Get away from me,
ya punk millennial!
Aw! He's sacrificing himself
to save us.
Very cool. Let's go.
No!
We can't leave him!
[CROWD CHEERING]
[♪♪♪]
[GRUNTING]
Get-- Get out of the way!
Ugh!
Oh! Oh, whoa!
Whooooooa!
[GRUNTS]
Hey!
Leave the old people alone.
Let me go, Josh!
It's my time!
I can't let you do this.
You've still got lots
to live for!
Dude, what's the point?
I'm only gonna get older
and lamer!
But what about all the good
parts of getting old?
Like how no one expects you to
keep up with new music anymore?
On a Friday night,
you can just stay in
and watch
"The Great British Bake Off"!
And your beard's gonna get
all salt and pepper-y!
I'm all about older guys
right now!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're saying I could have
a Clooney vibe here?
Ohhh, God! No, no, no,
I wanna live!
I wanna get old!
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[CLANKING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
[ALL SCREAM, GRUNT]
Noooo!
Everyone over 30 must die!
Just like in "Logan's Run"!
Dude, did you just reference
a movie from 1976?
[CROWD MURMURING]
That's why you named
this place "Logan's"?
How old are you?
What?! No!
I-- I must have seen it
streaming on Crackle or--
AAH!
[CROWD GASPS]
This dude's pushing 50!
[ALL GASP]
[RETCHES]
I just wanted to keep it young
in here!
You can't have people over 30
in your bar.
Then it becomes a pub!
And I would have gotten away
with it,
if it weren't for you nosy
35-year-old kids!
[CROWD BOOING]
No, no, no!
Aaaah!
[GLASS SHATTERS, DOORS SLAM]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
Yo, if you feelin' me,
then "wike and subscwibe."
[SIGHS]
I know he's young,
but he is cute.
Wow, is it just me,
or are these pancakes
Disgustingly sweet?
Yeah, I guess our tastes
have changed.
And that's okay.
We've got new tastes.
[BRITISH ACCENT] These
Bakewell tarts got a soggy bottom.
[BRITISH ACCENT]
Cram-jammed with potato curry!
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX: We saw a guy
get killed tonight.
So, to prevent further mishaps,
the children will no longer
be learning acupuncture.
- [GASPING]
- Who cares?
Aaaand this parent-teacher
meeting is done.
Is what I will say
as soon as we're done.
[ALL GROAN]
Oh, come on.
[GROANING]
Oh, man.
I should not've drunk
three Powerades.
Shh! Just cross your legs.
It's almost over.
And there is one last thing
before I let you go,
something very exciting.
Ooo.
- Oh! Something exciting?
- What could it be?!
WOMAN: Maybe this wasn't
a waste of time.
An opportunity.
If you're up to it.
[LAUGHS]
- Wait. What's he doing?
- What's he got?!
- Is that a 4x8?
- [GASPS] Oh, my God.
We need a volunteer
to be room parent!
[SCREAMING]
Hunh! Ugh!
Aaah!
[GLASS SHATTERS]
You guys, you guys, the drama--
do we need it?
You just have to send
a bunch of e-mails
and raise money
for new playground equipment.
[SQUISH]
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
Josh, whatever you do,
don't raise your
hand?
Whoa, what'd I miss?
We doing a purge?
Joshua, would you like
to volunteer to be room parent?
That sounds pretty cool.
Josh?! Dooooon't!
[SLO-MO]
I'llll dooooo iiii--
[THUD]
Yes!
We have our room parent
for the year!
Whoo!
- He didn't mean it!
It was a spasm!
Ooh, I'm so sorry,
accidental hand raises
are legally binding.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Josh, do you realize
what you've signed up for?
Your life as you know it
is over.
It's an opportunity
to help the school
and do something for Candice.
And it seems fun.
Check out this swag.
That is a novelty thermometer
for the fundraiser.
[CHUCKLES]
More like fun-raiser.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
I'm gonna go get Candice.
Huh?
Let me help you with that,
you absolute hero.
Oh, thanks, uh
Nikki.
I'm Billy's mom.
I just wanted to say
how impressive you are.
It takes a real man to volunteer
to be room parent
and put on a fundraiser.
I think of it
as more of a fun-raiser.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, my God!
You're so funny!
Thanks.
I think so, too.
Look, I don't want
to overstep, but
What if we were co-room parents?
Really?
Yeah!
I did it for my older kids,
so I know how hard it can be.
But I bet if we put our faces,
[LAUGHS]
I mean heads together,
we might even have a little sex.
[SNORTS, LAUGHS]
I mean fun.
Wow!
That sounds great.
Thanks, Nikki.
Let's do coffee tomorrow.
Talk about the fundraiser,
explore our feelings.
Oh, wow.
Do you work out?
Actually, don't answer.
I want to find out organically.
Who was that?
She just offered to be
my co-room parent.
Really? Why?
Maybe she just likes
fundraising.
Nobody likes fundraising, Josh.
Yeah!
What's fun about raisins, Josh?
[CELLPHONE CLICKING, CHIMES]
[SNORTS, LAUGHS]
What's so funny?
Ah, room parent stuff.
You wouldn't understand.
[CELLPHONE RINGING]
[GASPS]
This is her now!
I'd better take it.
Nikki, hey!
What am I wearing?
[CHUCKLES]
She's got it bad.
Oh, she's just aching
for that J-dog D.
Pfft!
What are you talking about?
Josh is a type.
That hummingbird nose
His fragile hips.
The way his eyes tear up
when he tastes mustard.
Dude's got a body
like the jack of clubs--
better than a 10 and paper thin.
No, they're just joking around.
Going out to meet Nikki!
She told me to wash my balls.
Pfft! So random.
[OMINOUS PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
I've seen that look before.
Let me guess--
taking revenge on the cartel
that killed your partner?
I think Josh is being seduced.
He doesn't realize it yet,
but once he does,
I'm worried it'll be too late.
We'll take my spy van.
[HEART'S "CRAZY ON YOU" PLAYS]
[♪♪♪]
But I tell myself
that I was doin' alright ♪
There's nothin' left to do
at night ♪
But go crazy on you ♪
Crazy on you ♪
Let me go crazy,
crazy on you, ohh ♪
My love is the evenin' breeze
touchin' your skin ♪
The gentle, sweet singin'
of leaves in the wind ♪
The whisper that calls
after you in the night ♪
And kisses your ear
in the early moonlight ♪
[♪♪♪]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
Bow, bow,
bow-now-now-now-now-now ♪
[GUFFAWING]
Aaaaah!
I followed you today.
I saw you gallivanting around
town with your girlfriend!
Nikki? We're just buds!
We like to horse around
and give each other nicknames,
like Nik-Nak
and Delicious Little Sex Boy.
I saw you being romantic
all over town.
We were just exploring potential
places to hold the fundraiser.
So you aren't cheating on me?
Of course not!
I love you!
And don't worry--
If someone were coming on to me,
I would definitely know.
Just in case, would you mind
not co-room-parenting
with Nikki anymore?
Oh. Totally.
Thank you.
Maybe we can stop by her place
before the fundraiser tomorrow
and break the news.
Sure!
She invited me over
for a tour of her bathtub anyway, so--
Ohh! I see it now.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Josh!
Josh's wife!
What a pleasant surprise.
Come on in.
Uh, sorry to drop in on you
like this.
I just needed to let you know,
I don't think we should be
co-room parents anymore.
[LAUGHS]
You're so funny!
I know I'm usually so funny,
but this time,
I'm actually serious.
But what about the fundraiser?
Josh can take care of it.
[SMACK]
He really appreciates
all your help.
Awwww!
Thank you, Josh!
Hey, I've been making
a killer apple tart.
How about a slice to show
there's no hard feelings?
That would be--
[FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING]
lovely.
[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY]
Hey, that worked out great!
Thanks for doing this.
No problem.
Billy, my man, what's up?
[STATIC]
Josh
Don't like responding to
questions when you watch TV?
My daughter's the same--
waaait a minute,
why does your arm feel
like it's filled with straw?
Oh, my God!
Billy's dead!
No! Billy's not real!
We have to get out of here!
I'm afraid I can't let you
do that.
Not to be rude, but
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
I don't think
we want that tart anymore.
[LAUGHS]
Don't worry.
The only thing on the menu
[SQUISH]
is gun.
[BOTH GASP]
Wait, why did you bake it
into the tart?
So you're not even a parent
at the school?
Ugh! God no.
Kids are like, echhh!
With their sticky little
blechhhh.
Yeah, no.
I've pulled this grift
in every town
from Santa Maria
to Santa Clarita.
Every school has at least
one dad up to his neck
in room parent duties,
desperate for help.
In my line of work
we call them a "Josh."
But why?
You can't be making
more than like 250 bucks.
It's a volume business.
I'm running a Josh
in Van Nuys, too.
Well, this has been fun,
but I have children to rob.
If she takes that money,
we won't be able to afford
a new playground!
And everyone'll think
I'm just some dumb Josh!
[♪♪♪]
[LAUGHING EVILLY]
[GRUNTING]
[♪♪♪]
- What are you doing?
- I'm getting us out of here.
[GRUNTS]
[♪♪♪]
Why, yes, my son is here.
And he's totally a human boy.
Where the hell are those two?
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Postpal.
They were all out of knife.
Ugh, you guys are the worst.
[PANTING]
[♪♪♪]
[TIRES SCREECH]
Nikki! Stop!
[GASPS]
[PANTING]
See you on the other side,
losers!
[HORN TOOTS]
Shit.
[♪♪♪]
Hey!
You can't be up here!
[LAUGHS] Oh, my God!
You're so funny.
Hyah!
Aaaaaah!
[EXPLOSION]
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
[GASPS]
Mom!
Dad's girlfriend
is getting away!
Don't call her that.
Give it up, Nikki.
You're trapped.
- Please!
Like I could ever be outsmarted
by a Josh.
Okay, I want to get off now.
[♪♪♪]
[ALL GRUNT]
Emily!
Josh!
I've got to stop her!
I'm a room parent.
[♪♪♪]
Ohh!
[♪♪♪]
Aah!
[GUNSHOTS]
Sorry, Billy!
[SCREAMS]
Aah!
[BOTH GRUNT]
Give me the cash, Nikki!
How about I make out a check?
To your nuts!
Gah!
Eh gah!
[GRUNTS, SHOUTS]
Ugh!
[BANG]
[GRUNTING]
[♪♪♪]
So long, Josh!
And by the way
you're actually not funny.
Yeah, it's pretty hard
to be funny
when the joke's on you!
[GASPS]
Billy?!
[SCREAMING]
How could you?!
[♪♪♪]
Noooooooo!
[EXPLOSION]
[♪♪♪]
[BANG]
[CROWD CHEERS]
Hi! [LAUGHS] Thank you, yeah.
Mr. Campbell.
I spoke with the rest
of the faculty at Chamomile,
and we all agreed
to make Josh
room parent for life!
[CHEERING]
Uh but that can't be
legally--
It's legally binding!
Yay!
[LAUGHS]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]