Coach (1989) s01e02 Episode Script

FEMALE NARRATOR: Coach is filmed before a studio audience.
Come on, Fred.
Come on, Fred.
Come on.
Come on.
Let's take a look.
(SCALE SQUEAKING) Okay, Fred, how much did I say you had to weigh if you want to play in this week's game? Uh-huh.
How much you weigh last week? Uh-huh.
How much do you weigh now, Fred? Did you misunderstand the goal here, Fred? Coach, I don't know what it is.
I swear, I didn't eat nothing all week.
Fred, you weigh 300 pounds.
Now, you ate something, or somebody.
It's metabolism.
Coach, I'm just never gonna be thin.
I think I'm retaining water.
Fred, I don't want you to be thin, babe.
I want you to be quick and agile like a panther, but you can't be a panther if you weigh as much as a Pontiac.
Come here, Fred.
Come on.
Come here.
Now here's what I want you to do, kid.
I want you to go on down and I want you to go to the weight room and I want you to lose 11 pounds by Saturday.
I don't care how you do it.
You can steam it off, work it off, run it off, or cut if off if you have to, for Fred, I just want you to weigh 290 pounds by Friday.
Okay? Is that clear? Otherwise, you're not gonna play football for Minnesota State as long as I am here.
You got it? Yes, sir.
Get out.
Could I ask one question, Coach? Yeah.
What is it? How long are you planning on being here? You wanna brush those cinnamon crumbs off your shirt, Fred? We're never gonna get Fred Webb down to weight.
I mean, the kid's the Hindenburg, Hayden.
I think we're just gonna have to cut him from the team.
I mean, I know his heart is in the right place.
You can never find it, but I'm sure Maybe we could give him some of that "hipposuction" everybody's been talking about.
I mean, I can certainly sympathize with him.
I've had a weight problem my entire life.
But, of course, I always liked to eat fat and Heaven knows, I'm overweight, but, I mean, this kid is overweight.
I never in my life Luther.
Luther.
Morning.
You think I'm just being negative, don't you? No, I mean, we need Fred to play on Saturday.
You're gonna have to ride him.
Yeah.
If he gets any bigger, I'll be able to.
You just don't know what it's like living with this kid, Hayden.
Wait a minute.
You're rooming with Fred? I had to.
it's the only way I could keep an eye on him.
I mean, I gotta lock him in his room at night to keep him from running out to get something to eat.
I mean, I had to empty the refrigerator, get all the stuff out of the cupboard.
I had to hide the cheese balls, the corn chips, the beer nuts, the pretzels.
The broccoli? The what? All right.
Never mind.
Never mind.
So, are you making any progress so far? (STAMMERING) He's lost six pounds.
Well, there you go.
That's great.
Yeah, but he's got five more to go, and there's only three days left before the game.
Well, where's Fred now? He's sitting out in my car with the windows rolled up and the heat on.
I better go out and get him.
it's time for his walk now anyway.
Hey, Luther, Luther, hey.
Cheer up.
You're gonna do great.
I got complete confidence in you.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
You know me a lot better than I do.
I know that.
Oh, hi, Kelly.
We were just talking about Well, you don't really care, do you? Was I interrupting something? Oh, no, not at all.
Well, I was just on my way to dance class, and I was wondering if we could switch dinner from Thursday to Friday? Sure, Friday night's fine.
Great.
What's going on Thursday? Just a date.
A date? Whoa.
Well, that didn't take long, did it? Dad.
So where do you want to go on Friday? I don't care.
I wanna hear about this boy.
Well, he's not a "boy," and it's just a date.
it's no big deal.
Well, it's a big deal to me, you know? I wasn't around when you were dating in high school.
This is my first date as a dad, you know? Dad.
So what is he, in one of your classes? No.
Is he an upperclassman? No, he's a professor.
A professor? When you say "professor," you mean like a grad student.
No, I mean like a full professor.
How old is he? I don't know.
I mean, Dad, what difference does it make? What difference does it make? Well, I'll tell you what difference it makes.
I mean, how's he gonna treat you to an expensive dinner if he's retired and living on a fixed income? He's not a geezer, Dad.
Well, how old is he? I don't know.
I guess about your age.
Huh.
Oh, look, I better go.
No, wait a minute No, this is obviously starting to upset you.
No, I'm not upset.
I'm not upset.
Hey, I want you to be open with me.
That's what fathers and daughters are supposed to be.
I mean, I wanna feel like you can say anything to me.
So, what's this clown's name? I'm not gonna tell you.
Kelly, look, I'm just trying to protect you.
I'm not even sure this is legal in the state of Minnesota.
What? Dating a professor? Yeah, well, I'm not sure there's any specific state laws against it, but I bet you the college has some rules against this kind of thing.
Dad, I can't believe how you're overreacting.
Am I? Well, you know, I'm sorry.
I mean, I'm kind of new to this, you know? For all I know, this could be a pattern.
In high school, did you date your principal? Dad, look, I don't wanna keep secrets from you, but you don't have to protect me anymore.
I'm completely grown now.
Oh, honey, whoever this professor is, he has got a lot more experience than you do.
Come on.
He's been completely grown for twice as long as you have.
I don't wanna see you hurt, Kelly.
Dad, the only way that I'm gonna get hurt is if you don't trust me.
Okay, all right.
That's fair.
I'll try.
And promise me you're not gonna obsess about this.
I promise.
I'll see you Friday night.
Well, have a good time tomorrow with Hey, what did you say his name was? Ha! Nice try, Dad.
(EXCLAIMING) Jeez.
God.
Get away from there, Dauber.
God.
What the hell are you doing out there? I was just making sure you were here before I knocked.
Well, don't do that, okay? I hate it when you do that.
Did you get Kelly's class schedule? Oh, yeah.
Coach, it wasn't easy.
You know, they don't just give you this stuff for nothing.
To get this I had to ask the girl in the registration office out on a date.
Quick thinking, Daub.
Well, actually, it was her idea.
She's real sharp, Coach.
Well, I hope you have a good time.
I don't think so.
She's real ugly, too.
Now all we gotta do is crosscheck Kelly's schedule here with the faculty directory, and we can find out who this jerk is she's going out with.
Okay, Kelly's taking four classes.
Whoa, heavy load.
Biology, taught by a woman.
Dance, taught by a woman.
We're getting somewhere, Daub.
Introduction to French That's Professor LeBeau.
I know she's a woman.
I've had her for five years.
Okay.
That gives us English.
Hello, bachelor number one.
Who is he, Coach? All right.
John Sterling, PhD, Phi Beta Kappa, Princeton University, born 1948, unmarried, author, Romance Novels of the 19th Century.
(BOTH SCOFFING) So, he's 40, single and published.
Just the kind of guy I have no respect for.
What are you gonna do? I don't know.
Got a problem.
I promised Kelly I wasn't gonna do anything.
How can I not do anything? I mean, I'm her father.
I'm supposed to protect her, but she doesn't want me to protect her.
What am I gonna do? Do I do what she thinks is right or do I do what I think is right? Jeez! Dauber! I gotta go clear my head on this thing.
I'm gonna go for a walk around the lake, all right? Hey,Coach? Yeah? Are you gonna eat that? No, go ahead.
Is it okay if I watch TV? Yeah.
Can I sit in your chair? Thanks a lot for the extra help, Dr.
Sterling.
That's what we're here for.
See you.
(EXCLAIMING) Coach Fox! What? I don't know.
I just didn't expect to see you in the doorway.
So we gonna win on Saturday? You on the team? No.
Then you're not gonna do anything on Saturday.
Hi, John Sterling? Yeah.
Hayden Fox.
Yeah, I know.
Got a minute? Sure.
Good.
I was just taking a little walk around the campus, saw your lights were on, thought I'd stop on by and say hi.
Hi.
Yeah, hi.
I don't often get a chance to meet the rest of the faculty, and I like to do that whenever I can.
Well, that's Good.
I guess.
So, anything new in English? Not really.
Coach Fox, is there something on your mind? My daughter is in one of your classes.
Oh, really.
Which one? Freshman English.
Oh.
That's my lecture class, 250 students.
I'm afraid I don't know her.
Well, according to her, I think you do, John.
Tell me, how often do you date your students? I beg your pardon? You have a date tomorrow night, don't you? Oh, boy.
That's your daughter? So you do remember her.
Coach Fox, I swear I had no idea.
Oh, gee, that makes me feel so much better.
No.
What I mean is, I'm sure you're upset.
Upset? Okay, incensed, indignant, wrathful.
Oh, you English guys.
But you gotta believe me, it's just a misunderstanding.
I swear, if I had known she was your daughter, I never would have asked her out.
In fact, that's not actually what happened.
What happened was, she asked for some extra help with her studies, and I suggested we do it over dinner, which now, looking back on it, would be construed by most people as a date.
Right.
Right, which definitely was an error in judgment on my part.
I realize that.
I slipped.
Hey, I'm human.
I'm a guy, you're a "A guy.
" But, more importantly, as a fellow faculty member, I respect you.
Oh, gee.
Now, I'm glad you feel that way.
Suppose I call your daughter and tell her that from now on an assistant will be helping her with her studies, a female assistant.
Gee, you know, I like that idea.
I am so glad.
One more thing, John.
This is all your idea.
I had nothing to do with it.
I don't want you to tell her I was even here.
Whatever you say.
You know, she trusts me.
We got that kind of relationship.
Right.
Hey, John.
You a father by any chance? No.
Oh, boy, let me tell you, it's not easy.
We did it, Hayden.
We did it! We set a goal and we achieved it.
Fred Webb is down to weight.
You know, I really gotta hand it to you, too.
I mean, sometimes I know I'm not very optimistic, but you said, "Luther, have faith and don't give up.
" And that's exactly what I did.
This is the one How come you're not happy about all this? What? No, I am.
I am I really am.
I got a problem with Kelly.
Weight problem? No, no.
A personal problem.
All right.
(STAMMERING) Is it anything that you wanna Talk about? Yeah.
No.
No.
Okay, 'cause I just want you to know, I mean, if you wanna talk, I'm here.
(SIGHING) wen, last night Kelly had this date, you know, with a 40-year-old professor.
I had to put a stop to it.
You smack him? No, I didn't smack him.
I talked to him.
You talked to him? Yeah.
Okay, I'll buy that.
You're talking to me, why wouldn't you talk to him? Well, I mean, I'm not saying I didn't intimidate him a little bit, you know? But I didn't get physical with the guy.
I mean, I just let him know how angry I was.
He did have a statue of some president on his desk.
Thought I was gonna break it.
I didn't.
But I'll tell you something else, I let him know, "Stay away from my daughter.
" I mean, now what the hell, that's okay, isn't it? Yeah, I don't see anything wrong with that.
Well, I mean, that's being a good father, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, if you didn't hit him or break his statue or anything, I think that's good.
Yeah, well, I mean, if that's being a good father, how come I don't feel good, then? I mean, I'm telling you, Luther, I am never gonna do this ever again.
Never.
Starting tonight, man, I am gonna let her live her own life.
I'm not gonna interfere with it.
Boy, I tell you, this being a parent stuff, it's just a mess.
You're in the dark all the time.
You never know where you're going.
I mean, what the heck, why She's a girl.
What do I know about having a girl? I'm 44 years old, man.
it's like starting my whole life all over again.
Hi, Dad.
Hey, Kelly.
Great.
Come on in.
Sorry I'm late.
No.
No problem.
Yeah.
Gee, I'm just glad you're here.
Wow.
How you doing? I'm fine.
Yeah.
(STAMMERING) Wow, you Well, you look fine.
Well, I am.
Nice.
How are you? Me? Oh, I'm fine.
Yeah, me, too.
Can I get your coat? Thank you.
All right.
So how were classes today? Fine.
Yeah? Mmm-hmm.
Did you go to dance class? Yeah.
Learn any new steps? Well, it's not that kind of dance, Dad.
it's interpretive.
It's like you use your whole body to express ideas and emotions and whole themes through a series of movements.
You want a root beer? No, thanks.
Can I help you with dinner? Oh, you sure can.
Yeah.
Just finish tossing the old salad, there, and I'm gonna take care of the main course.
Right.
Okay.
What do like? You like turkey with all the trimmings? Or if not, I can whip us up some Salisbury steaks.
Turkey's fine.
Turkey? You got it.
Okay, dinner's gonna be ready in 9 to 11 minutes.
Got a little time.
Anything special you wanna talk about? Dad, I have this feeling you're dying to know about my date.
Hey, honey, if you want to talk about it, go ahead, you know Well, there's nothing to talk about.
Good.
It went fine.
What? We had a nice time.
It went fine.
The date? Yeah.
Date with a professor? Right.
You guys went out after all, huh? Dad, I told you we were going out.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's right.
You did.
You did.
What's the matter? Nothing.
Nothing's the matter.
You had your date with the professor.
It went great.
I couldn't be happier for you.
Here, butter this and stick it in the oven, will you? Dad, you're obviously upset.
Honey, I'm bursting with pride.
Come on.
Oh, wow, jeez, look at that.
Jeez, I left the boat untied.
What a bonehead, huh? Finish taking care of dinner, would you, sweetie? Toss some more salad.
I gotta go tie the boat up.
I'll be right back.
Coach Fox, what a nice surprise.
Let's talk.
Problem? Yeah.
Am I fuzzy here or didn't you and I have an agreement that you were not gonna go out with my daughter? You're not fuzzy at all.
Well, one of us is fuzzy, because she tells me the two of you went out.
She's lying.
Lying? I didn't mean "lying.
" I meant "fuzzy.
" I canceled the date last night.
Well, then why did she tell me you went out? I don't know, but I swear I broke the date.
What do you think, I'm crazy? Now, I don't want any trouble here.
I did what you asked me to do and now I'm asking you to leave.
Please.
Otherwise, I'll have to call out the window as loud as I can.
Dad! Kelly, what are you doing here? I followed you.
This is your daughter? Yeah.
I've never been out with you, have I? No! See? Then why did you tell me you went out with him? I never said I went out with Professor Sterling.
But all your other professors are women.
Well, I never said I went out with one of my professors.
I just said I went out with a professor.
You know, I'm good at fixing these things.
I bet you I just could push this little thing it's okay.
No.
I'm really embarrassed by this.
Not half as embarrassed as I am so sorry, Dr.
Sterling.
God! Dad, how could you do this? I don't know.
I was just being a father.
I mean, I did what I thought a father would do.
I got your class schedule and I looked up and saw who your professors were.
I naturally assumed it was Professor Sterling, here.
So I tracked him down like an animal and I threatened him.
I was just showing my love.
Kelly, you know, I'm really no good at this father stuff, you know? I mean, I think about your mom and how she would have handled it, and how she's worried because she knows you're here, and how she's partly worried because she knows I'm here, and she knows I don't know anything about this stuff, see? Uh, I mean, after all, it's been 16 years since I've been a full-time father.
Look, I know that.
Well, you know, fathers make mistakes.
You know, only they get to spread them out over a whole lifetime.
I mean, I'm playing catch-up ball here, kid.
Yeah, well, you would seem to be having a lot of luck with that.
(CLEARING THROAT) You two are obviously gonna talk for a while, so I'm just gonna step out into the hall.
Yeah, why don't you go ahead, John? That's fine.
Kelly, I am really sorry that I embarrassed you.
Well, Dad, I'll get over being embarrassed.
What I can't get over is the fact that you didn't trust me.
Well, you didn't trust me, either.
You wouldn't tell me who the professor was.
Well, I didn't tell you 'cause I knew what would happen.
What? This! Oh.
Right.
Well, we've gotta fix this.
Yeah, I know that.
Well, then let's fix it.
How? Well, first of all, we could admit that we really don't know each other that well.
And it's kind of hard to trust someone that you don't know.
That's true.
You know, Dad, I can tell that you still think of me as a little girl, but I'm not.
I'm 18 years old.
Yeah, I know, Kelly, and that must seem grown-up to you, huh? But, you know, I was 18 once, too.
I know how it felt.
It's only now that I've put some years behind me and I got some wisdom, you know, putting tonight aside, that I realize I didn't know everything back then.
You know, I got a lot more to offer as a father than I think you know.
'Cause if I'm gonna trust you, you're gonna have to give me that.
Fair enough.
So, how do we kick this thing off? How about if I tell you the name of the professor I went out with? Perfect.
It was Professor Cameron.
Fine.
Fine.
I mean, I can handle that.
Come on.
Why don't you just go back to the cabin, and I'll meet you there, sweetheart? What do you say? Dad, Dad Hey, come on.
I was joking.
It was just a little joke.
I was joking, too.
His name's not Professor Cameron.
Boy, we got along way to go, don't we? Yeah, yeah.
Do you like cold turkey? Yeah.
Let's go have some.
Hey, John, your office is ready.