Code Monkeys (2007) s01e02 Episode Script
E.T.
1
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
- Aah
-Code Monkey ♪
Very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Aah
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
- I love you, whores!
[Video game music plays]
- And I am done!
- Aah!
[Groans]
What the hell?
Oh, I fell on my keys.
- "Big Ass Dolphin,"
the video game, is done.
Another successful all-nighter.
Dave, why are you naked?
- Oh, I get hot when I'm
programming, and as you know,
my balls need to breathe
if I am to do my best work.
- Get your stupid ass
off my chair!
- How long was I out for?
- Well, about two hours
after you finished your game,
"Floating Space Rocks,"
you took a celebratory hit from
the Dagobong and passed out.
- Must have been that new weed
I developed.
One more question.
Why is my penis green?
- Oh, I can explain that, too,
because around 2 a.m.,
high out of your mind,
Dave, you painted it
so it would look like--
and I quote--
"a sexual serpent capable of
spitting its venom everywhere."
- Damn it, I knew I
was a genius.
- OK, man, it's about 9 a.m.
Let's just head home.
- Um, disgusting boys,
Mr. Larrity would like
to see both of you.
- [Sighs]
Great.
- Well, where the hell are
my pants? Screw it.
[Video game music playing]
- Dave, why aren't you
wearin' any pants?
- Ugh. It's a long story, man,
and I'm really high right now,
so let's just focus
on why we're all here.
- Fair enough.
Anyway, today is a day
when pigs not only have flown,
but they've also fixed my car
and made me breakfast using
the meat from their own bodies.
And not only has hell
frozen over,
but it's also become
my new venue for Smurfs On Ice.
Y'all get me?
For GameAVision will finally be
the best game company
in the world,
and more importantly, we gonna
stick it to them sumbitches
over at Bellecovision.
Men, I have a guest here
who's gonna take us
all the way
to fourth base.
- What do you think this is
gonna be about?
- He's probably some lame-ass
motivational speaker that's
gonna rip up phone books
or something stupid like that.
- Dave, why is your penis green?
- And why, pretty lady, are you
looking at me penis?
- 'Cause you have no pants on
and it's green.
- Oh.
- Gentlemen, our special guest,
uh, Mr. Steven Spielberg.
- Spielberg.
Hey, everybody.
- Holy crap.
- Whoa.
- Totally cool. I'm gonna try
and do it with the director.
- Who the [bleep] is
Steven Spielberg?
- Oh, my God!
- Whoa, dude,
did you pee yourself?
- Dave, he is my idol.
You know that.
- That still doesn't explain
the puddle of pee on the floor.
- Spielberg, my anus.
He's the poor man's Lucas,
if you ask me.
- Now, listen up.
Steven Spielberg here has got
a new movie comin' out
called "Et."
- Actually, it's, um, "E.T."
- One meetin'
at a time here, son.
Now shut
your gosh darn yapper.
Now, I just bought the rights
to this video game
from him for $20 million.
- You said 30.
- I said 20, you sumbitch.
- Caught him, Dad!
- No, Dean.
We are gentlemen,
and we will settle it
like gentlemen with
a little wrastlin'.
- What?
- Hah! Come over here,
you little polecat!
[Grunts]
- Ow! Oh! OK! 20!
Crazy-ass son of a bitch!
- There's just one catch.
Game has to be done in
the next 24 hours,
so we're pullin'
an all-nighter, folks!
And by "we,"
I, of course, mean you,
and by "you," I, of course,
mean Dave and Jerry.
- Aw, [bleep]! Really?
I've been working half
the night!
Hey, thanks a lot,
Spielberg.
- Sorry, pal.
- Whatever. What a dick.
- Now, I have got one pass
to a super-secret screenin'
for our lead programmer.
- I am flattered,
Mr. Larrity,
and I assure you
I will give the film
my full attention.
- Not you! Why the hell would I
give it to a gay Vikin'?
And now, I'm thinkin'
of a number from 1 to 10.
The person who guesses it
gets the ticket.
- Uh, 6.
- No.
- 8.
- No.
- Come on!
- 69 ♪
- Uh, no.
- Who the [bleep] is
Steven Spielberg?
- Negativo.
- Alligator.
- Dave's got it.
Now the rest of you
get back to work.
- [Murmuring]
- [Burps, clears throat]
Ahem. Ahoy there.
Hey, ho, um
- Yes?
- Did you, uh, have a chance
to look at the game pitch
I sent you?
- [Sighs]
Refresh my memory?
The game based upon
that wonderful book
I happened upon called
"The Color Purple."
It's the compelling tale of
a young African American woman
who faces various adversi--
- Why don't you leave
the thinkin'
to the professionals, son?
Can't make crapola outta
turd polish now, can you?
[Video game music playing]
- Dave, how the hell did you
know that Larrity was thinking
about an alligator?
- He is always thinking
about alligators.
- Make a game for my idol
in one night.
How the hell am I
gonna do this?
- See ya. I'll be back
in a few hours
to brief you on all
the awesomeness I saw
and all the awesomeness
you did not see.
- Dave, I'm worried that I'm
not gonna be able to stay
focused here.
You know I'm no good
at all-nighters, and we're
gonna have to pull two in a row.
What am I gonna do, man?
I can't fail
Steven Spielberg.
- Hey, Benny, get in here.
- No, no, no, no.
- Oh, you are a creepy little
bastard. You know that, right?
- Benny one smart guy.
Benny got a lot of stuff to do,
have to look at your crappy
video games all day.
- My man Jerry here needs
a little bit of a hook-up
to get him through the night.
- Uh-oh! Jerry need big 10.
Give him a little candy, hmm?
- I can't do sugar or caffeine.
Dave, I haven't had any of
those things in, like, 10 years.
- Jerry, just once is not gonna
hurt you, right, Benny?
- Make you go all night
like a stallion!
[Whinnies, snorts]
But it's gonna cost!
Nothing free
in America, G.I. Joe!
- Calm down. Just put it
on my tab, all right?
Whatever he needs, man.
- Joint account mean
compound interest, 18%.
- Fine. And by the way,
Jerry, you owe me.
- Hey, round eye, get ready
to suck from the caffeine tit.
[Fanfare playing]
- Comin' through, everybody,
comin' through.
Can an actual ticket-holder
get through, please?
Get through this line of--whoa.
Black Spock, check.
Darth Vader, check.
White Mr. T., fantastic.
Grimace, I don't know
why you're here.
Wow! Wookiee in
a wheelchair, check.
Congratulations, everybody.
This is a regular carnival
of shame.
- The Dark Side commands you
to relinquish
your ticket to me.
You've grown powerful,
young Skywalker.
Ow! Cut it out, you jerk!
- What are you staring at?
- Just wondering how it feels
to be an a-hole.
- I don't know,
just like I don't know
how it feels not to have
a ticket to the movie,
but I know someone who does.
Sucka ♪
Uh, excuse me.
Can, uh, can a real
ticket holder come in, please?
I'm getting harassed out here.
- I'll give you
20 bucks for it.
- Whoa, whoa.
You're kidding me, right?
- 30.
- All right,
we'll do this dance,
but you have to do something
for me. Kid, what's your name?
- My name's Manosh.
- Eh, that's too long.
I'm gonna call you M.
- Yeah, that wasn't
as entertaining as I
thought it would be.
Hmm.
What else can I have you do?
- Look, I ran around in circles
yelling, "I'm cuckoo for dudes,"
I went to the bathroom
in my pants,
and I did
100 pushups, twice.
Can I please have
the ticket now?
- Just one more thing.
Tell me if this is
a good idea for a movie.
A guy gets killed
and doesn't know he's a ghost
until the very end.
- I think that's a great idea.
- Yeah, nah, you know what?
Screw it. Give me 30 bucks
and you can have the ticket.
Boobie Land, here I come.
- E.T., I love you.
- Ah, I love you, too.
- I love you, whores,
and I love you, sluts.
[Sultry music playing,
donkey braying]
[Chime]
- What the [bleep]
are you doing?
Holy crap. How many of those
Pixy Stix have you had?
- That's not your concern,
my friend.
Your concern is arming me with
enough knowledge about "E.T."
so I can create the world's
greatest video game
with extreme prejudice.
- What? Your hands
are bleeding, dude.
- You will take me to
the conference room right now,
and you will tell me
about "E.T."!
- Um, right.
So "E.T." is about
this awesome alien
who comes to Earth,
and that's pretty much it.
Let's go, people.
- OK, what's the kid's name?
I need a name. I need a name.
I need the kid's name.
- Uh, um, um, Herman.
Yeah, Herman.
- Now, are there any snakes
in this movie?
- Yes.
In one scene,
E.T. fights a snake
to save the Jews.
- So what does E.T. do
on Earth?
- Um, well, I mean, he
fights kids with a light saber,
so that's good.
- Too much sugar.
- Why?
- Um, because he's searching for
the lost Ark of the Covenant,
and he has to melt the Nazi's
face off. That's how it works.
- Does he find
the Ark of the Covenant? ♪
- No. Instead,
he dresses up like a woman
so he can get an acting role
on a soap opera.
- Wait.
Who the [bleep] is E.T.?
- Th-then he has to fight
the Russians because they
won't let Herman dance
in the town where he lives
'cause Russians hate dancing.
- That doesn't make any sense,
and why do you smell
like whores?
- It takes one
to know one, bitch!
- Jerry.
- Aah! My nose!
I paid good money
for this nose!
- All right, everyone.
You heard the man.
- Alien goes shopping,
Ark of the Covenant,
dress like a woman.
Let's--let's rock and roll!
Lock and load!
[Video game music playing]
- Machine guns.
- Yes, OK, good, yes.
- Loves M&Ms.
- OK, a little more, yes.
- Hot Nazis.
- OK, yes, OK, good.
Now where do they go?
All right, give me more.
- He's from Dantooine,
hates kids, hates 'em.
Um, what else?
No, he can't fly, Dave.
- Howdy, boys.
Heh heh! You about done
with that game yet?
- We're almost done,
Mr. Larrity,
but we just need to add music.
I'm so tired.
- I figured as much.
That's why I want you
to meet a friend of mine.
Boys, uh, Neil Diamond.
Neil, get in here!
- Holy crap!
- Dave, did you just do that
'cause Neil Diamond's your idol?
- No, dude, I'm still
incredibly drunk.
- Neil just sold me the rights
to one of his crappy new songs
for $20,000.
- You told Neil Diamond
30, Mr. Larrity ♪
- I said 20,
you son of a bitch.
- Let's wrestle.
- Gosh darn it, Neil Diamond!
You have bested me.
30 it is.
- You mess with Diamond,
you gonna get cut ♪
- Here's your tape, gentlemen.
I'll see you later.
- "E.T. Lizard Creature & Me."
Perfect! You boys stick that
in the game somewhere.
- Dude, we actually did it!
- Dude, I know.
- This is gonna be the greatest
game of all time.
[Video game music playing]
- Upon my interstellar
knee ♪
- Lloyd spilled juice
- OhmyGod!
- It's not a problem.
- No problem?
This game is horrible!
Look at Benny.
- Man, very bad, man!
Too terrible!
- Dude, we just got
to make some tweaks.
- Yay! Congratulations,
you guys.
The truck just left.
The game will be in stores
within an hour.
Yay!
Ooh, is that
a joke version?
[Video game music playing]
- We are so [bleep].
- Guys, I just got back from
the first screening of "E.T."
You guys have to see it!
I'm not one for emotion
or anything, but
that little alien changed
the way I look at--
[Cries]
What is that turd?
- That is Dave
and Jerry's E.T. game.
- You!
How could you?
You don't know anything
about E.T.!
You don't love E.T.!
You didn't even see
the movie, did you?!
- OK, no, no, I didn't, and I
know that you're all mad at me
because I screwed up the game,
but you know what I did do?
I went to a strip club.
Do any of you know what
that means?
That means that I saw
naked women,
and they shook their asses
this close to my face for money.
Sure, I could have gone
to that movie, but then
I wouldn't have seen all
those naked women
at the strip club
with the boobs in my face.
Now ask yourselves,
can you blame me?
And isn't that what you would
have wanted me to do?
- Grr!
- Hmm.
- [Growls]
- Yeah, we've got
to stop that truck
before it drops all
those games off.
We'll take my car.
- Dave, you don't have a car.
You sold it to pay for
that 20-foot blow-up doll.
- Vijanta? She was awesome.
- Dave!
- I got it, man.
We'll steal Larrity's car.
- How could they?
- You really loved that alien,
didn't you, pal?
- Like a brother, bro.
- Can I share something
with you?
I also love
alien life forms.
- You do?
- Quickly, man!
Come with me.
I have something you must see!
- Yo, Todd, this van smells
like crotch, bro.
[Truck horn honks]
[Car horn honks]
- We got him. We got him, Dave.
We got him.
- Pull over!
- Aah!
- Aah!
[Siren]
- Oh, crap! What do we do?
- No prob.
- What do you mean?
The cops are on us!
- You forgettin' whose car
we're driving?
[Brakes screech]
Sweet ass!
- Dave, stop the car!
I think a lot of those
people might be dead!
- Ha ha! I got you now,
you bastard!
- Aah!
- Aah!
[Brakes screech]
- What the hell are you doing?
- We'll see who wins
this little game of chicken.
He goes by the name of me.
[Car horn honking]
- Aah!
- Heh heh!
As I thought.
- I pissed myself again.
- Ditto, mi amigo.
[Birds chirp]
Sorry, man, but we're gonna
have to take your rig.
- Say what?
- Don't make this ugly.
Just hand over the keys.
As you can see,
you're outnumbered by
a factor of two--aah!
Damn it!
- Aah!
- Aah!
- Now's our chance, man.
On the count of 3.
1, 2, 3.
[Bone cracks]
- Look, he took the keys,
and all my bones are broken.
- We don't need the keys.
Ow. We just need
to unhitch the trailer.
[Beep]
- Neil Diamond's little E.T. ♪
Neil Diamond's little E.T. ♪
E.T.-- ♪
[Chime]
[Chime]
- Well, if it isn't the team
who brought us the Ishtar
of video games.
- Ha ha ha ha!
That's funny
because "Ishtar" was
a big failure.
- Not to worry, ladies.
We stole the truckload of games,
all hundred thousand of them.
High-fives all around, and then,
Mary and, uh, Clare,
I'm gonna need a BJ
from the both of you.
- Truckload?
100,000?
That was just the first batch,
you jackholes!
We shipped over 4 million
of those things.
It's the biggest video game
shipment in history!
- Maybe the kids won't notice
that it sucks.
I mean, they're
just kids, right?
- Let's take a ride
in the ♪
- This sucks!
- And Lloyd spilled juice.
And Lloyd spilled juice.
- All over the universe ♪
- Ugh! This game
is giving me more cancer!
[Retches]
[Flat-line tone]
- [Scoffs]
E.T.?
They should have called
this game V.D.
- Oh, this is just great.
All I wanted was for
this game to be good.
God, that's all I asked for.
You made my parents
get divorced,
and you killed my baby sister,
and all I asked you was for this
game to kick ass! Thanks a lot!
- Yo, "E.T. the Game"
is terrible!
- Hmm. I guess they noticed
that it sucked.
- Oh, crap.
What do we do now?
- Get everybody inside now.
Hey, can you activate the
emergency security lockdown?
- Only the supervisor
can do that--
Dean?
- Oh, man,
where is that douchebag
when you need him?
- The signs are all around us.
[Wolf howling]
Signs that only I,
a genius, can see,
but signs nonetheless.
That ship passed
right outside my window.
I knew then that they wanted
to study my superior brain
and enormous genitals.
Look here.
Crop circles on my lawn.
- Actually, I think
Dave did that.
- Mmm, I doubt he'd have
the technological prowess
to accomplish something
of this magnitude,
but I think you see
my point.
I've spent the majority
of my adult life
reaching out to them, knowing
that they'll contact me someday.
Why do you think every time
my pager rings,
my nipples start lactating?
- Gross.
- Do you understand now why I
brought you here today, Dean?
- You're gonna kill me, right?
- No!
We're waiting for the ship!
I do this all the time.
They clearly want
to mate with me
to produce a superior race
of human-alien hybrids.
- OK, this has been really cool
and everything, but--
- Dean, they must be close!
- Holy crap!
What's that?
- There they are!
They're here
- Whoa!
- Mr. Larrity, we got
to get you outta here.
- Why is that, boys?
- There's an angry mob outside,
and they're calling for blood.
- I can see that, Jerry,
but I don't think
it's our blood they're
a-callin' for.
- They're heading
for Bellecovision?
[Mob clamoring]
- I don't get it.
- I take it you boys
didn't actually bother
to look
at any of those games
you hijacked.
That's right, boy.
I switched the sticker.
- I'd never thought
I'd say this, dude,
but you are a genius.
- Boys,
I don't have to be
a pig farmer
to know a cow turd
when I see it.
The second I saw
that so-called game,
I knew what I had to do.
- Mr. Larrity, first of all,
allow me to apologize--
- There's no apology
for stupid, boy.
Ask my son, Dean.
You boys hijacked a truck today,
and you stole my car.
- I know. You're probably
pissed at Jerry.
- Pissed?!
You boys took my car!
I'd be less pissed if you fed me
my own ass on a ciabatta!
Anyhow, all's well
that ends well.
Now, you two go make me
some more money,
and if you see that
good-for-nothin' son of mine,
tell him we're late to visit
his brother in jail.
- What?
- What?
- Y'all git gittin'! Hyah!
Hey, uh, uh, ugly girl,
have you seen Dean?
- Um, no, Wendy is the ugly one.
I'm the pretty one.
- All pigs look the same
from behind, darlin'.
- What happens now?
- Now, Dean,
they physically love us.
- What?
- Time to put the mustard on
the hot dog and steam the bun.
- What the [bleep]?
[Groaning]
- Don't fight it, Dean.
It's not sexual.
Ow! They're only
Don't close your eyes
or you'll miss it.
- [Muffled]
[Video game music playing]
- You're very welcome,
my enlightened friend.
I'm just glad that I could
facilitate your first contact.
- I didn't say thank you!
- You don't need to.
I can sense your gratefulness,
and I am humbled by it.
- Shut up and drive, douche.
[Van door closes]
- Could you please hand me
my ass cushion?
[Engine turns over,
back-up signal beeping]
- I can't believe
that fat douchebag waits
for us every single week,
and I can't believe I won't
see him for another week.
[Sobs]
I love him.
[Chime]
[Chime]
- Hey, Mr. Larrity, uh,
what are you doin' back here?
- I might ask the same
of you, boys.
- Oh, noth--
[coughs]--nothing.
- All right, boys, I know
you two can keep a secret
'cause if you don't,
I'll have you skinned
and mounted on my wall.
Come with me.
Almost e'ry single E.T. game
got returned,
over 3.99 million of 'em,
and this is where they'll stay
until the end of time.
- But what about
Steven Spielberg?
- Yeah.
Heh heh!
What about him, right, George?
I don't believe you boys
have met my good friend,
George Lucas.
- Hey, guys.
- Holy crapola! George Lucas!
- George here made
a little deal with me.
For $30 million, I told him
I'd help stop E.T.
- You said 20.
- I said 30, you son of a bitch.
- You said 20.
Wrestle!
- Aah!
- But why?
- Just a friendly little prank.
- Wait. So what
you're saying is
that I did a great thing
when I skipped the movie
and went to the strip club,
therefore helping you
to rob Spielberg
of millions of dollars
and the goodwill
of his fans.
- Like I said,
a friendly little prank.
- I'm not judgin'.
I'm just here to hang out.
- Well, we've got work
to do, so
- Take me with you,
please, he's insane ♪
- Get him, guards! He's got to
make that music video for me!
Lucas, you direct.
- Let's take a ride
in the spaceship ♪
Past the moon and the stars ♪
All over the universe,
stop by the Dagobahs ♪
Upon my interstellar knee,
we can bounce with glee ♪
Huh! Huh! Huh!
From star to star,
don't matter how far we are ♪
E.T. ♪
The lizard creature and me ♪
Neil Diamond's little E.T. ♪
I love you, E.T.!
E.T. ♪
I love you, E.T.
[Video game music plays,
elephant trumpets]
- Ah, I love you, too.
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
- Aah
-Code Monkey ♪
Very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Aah
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
- I love you, whores!
[Video game music plays]
- And I am done!
- Aah!
[Groans]
What the hell?
Oh, I fell on my keys.
- "Big Ass Dolphin,"
the video game, is done.
Another successful all-nighter.
Dave, why are you naked?
- Oh, I get hot when I'm
programming, and as you know,
my balls need to breathe
if I am to do my best work.
- Get your stupid ass
off my chair!
- How long was I out for?
- Well, about two hours
after you finished your game,
"Floating Space Rocks,"
you took a celebratory hit from
the Dagobong and passed out.
- Must have been that new weed
I developed.
One more question.
Why is my penis green?
- Oh, I can explain that, too,
because around 2 a.m.,
high out of your mind,
Dave, you painted it
so it would look like--
and I quote--
"a sexual serpent capable of
spitting its venom everywhere."
- Damn it, I knew I
was a genius.
- OK, man, it's about 9 a.m.
Let's just head home.
- Um, disgusting boys,
Mr. Larrity would like
to see both of you.
- [Sighs]
Great.
- Well, where the hell are
my pants? Screw it.
[Video game music playing]
- Dave, why aren't you
wearin' any pants?
- Ugh. It's a long story, man,
and I'm really high right now,
so let's just focus
on why we're all here.
- Fair enough.
Anyway, today is a day
when pigs not only have flown,
but they've also fixed my car
and made me breakfast using
the meat from their own bodies.
And not only has hell
frozen over,
but it's also become
my new venue for Smurfs On Ice.
Y'all get me?
For GameAVision will finally be
the best game company
in the world,
and more importantly, we gonna
stick it to them sumbitches
over at Bellecovision.
Men, I have a guest here
who's gonna take us
all the way
to fourth base.
- What do you think this is
gonna be about?
- He's probably some lame-ass
motivational speaker that's
gonna rip up phone books
or something stupid like that.
- Dave, why is your penis green?
- And why, pretty lady, are you
looking at me penis?
- 'Cause you have no pants on
and it's green.
- Oh.
- Gentlemen, our special guest,
uh, Mr. Steven Spielberg.
- Spielberg.
Hey, everybody.
- Holy crap.
- Whoa.
- Totally cool. I'm gonna try
and do it with the director.
- Who the [bleep] is
Steven Spielberg?
- Oh, my God!
- Whoa, dude,
did you pee yourself?
- Dave, he is my idol.
You know that.
- That still doesn't explain
the puddle of pee on the floor.
- Spielberg, my anus.
He's the poor man's Lucas,
if you ask me.
- Now, listen up.
Steven Spielberg here has got
a new movie comin' out
called "Et."
- Actually, it's, um, "E.T."
- One meetin'
at a time here, son.
Now shut
your gosh darn yapper.
Now, I just bought the rights
to this video game
from him for $20 million.
- You said 30.
- I said 20, you sumbitch.
- Caught him, Dad!
- No, Dean.
We are gentlemen,
and we will settle it
like gentlemen with
a little wrastlin'.
- What?
- Hah! Come over here,
you little polecat!
[Grunts]
- Ow! Oh! OK! 20!
Crazy-ass son of a bitch!
- There's just one catch.
Game has to be done in
the next 24 hours,
so we're pullin'
an all-nighter, folks!
And by "we,"
I, of course, mean you,
and by "you," I, of course,
mean Dave and Jerry.
- Aw, [bleep]! Really?
I've been working half
the night!
Hey, thanks a lot,
Spielberg.
- Sorry, pal.
- Whatever. What a dick.
- Now, I have got one pass
to a super-secret screenin'
for our lead programmer.
- I am flattered,
Mr. Larrity,
and I assure you
I will give the film
my full attention.
- Not you! Why the hell would I
give it to a gay Vikin'?
And now, I'm thinkin'
of a number from 1 to 10.
The person who guesses it
gets the ticket.
- Uh, 6.
- No.
- 8.
- No.
- Come on!
- 69 ♪
- Uh, no.
- Who the [bleep] is
Steven Spielberg?
- Negativo.
- Alligator.
- Dave's got it.
Now the rest of you
get back to work.
- [Murmuring]
- [Burps, clears throat]
Ahem. Ahoy there.
Hey, ho, um
- Yes?
- Did you, uh, have a chance
to look at the game pitch
I sent you?
- [Sighs]
Refresh my memory?
The game based upon
that wonderful book
I happened upon called
"The Color Purple."
It's the compelling tale of
a young African American woman
who faces various adversi--
- Why don't you leave
the thinkin'
to the professionals, son?
Can't make crapola outta
turd polish now, can you?
[Video game music playing]
- Dave, how the hell did you
know that Larrity was thinking
about an alligator?
- He is always thinking
about alligators.
- Make a game for my idol
in one night.
How the hell am I
gonna do this?
- See ya. I'll be back
in a few hours
to brief you on all
the awesomeness I saw
and all the awesomeness
you did not see.
- Dave, I'm worried that I'm
not gonna be able to stay
focused here.
You know I'm no good
at all-nighters, and we're
gonna have to pull two in a row.
What am I gonna do, man?
I can't fail
Steven Spielberg.
- Hey, Benny, get in here.
- No, no, no, no.
- Oh, you are a creepy little
bastard. You know that, right?
- Benny one smart guy.
Benny got a lot of stuff to do,
have to look at your crappy
video games all day.
- My man Jerry here needs
a little bit of a hook-up
to get him through the night.
- Uh-oh! Jerry need big 10.
Give him a little candy, hmm?
- I can't do sugar or caffeine.
Dave, I haven't had any of
those things in, like, 10 years.
- Jerry, just once is not gonna
hurt you, right, Benny?
- Make you go all night
like a stallion!
[Whinnies, snorts]
But it's gonna cost!
Nothing free
in America, G.I. Joe!
- Calm down. Just put it
on my tab, all right?
Whatever he needs, man.
- Joint account mean
compound interest, 18%.
- Fine. And by the way,
Jerry, you owe me.
- Hey, round eye, get ready
to suck from the caffeine tit.
[Fanfare playing]
- Comin' through, everybody,
comin' through.
Can an actual ticket-holder
get through, please?
Get through this line of--whoa.
Black Spock, check.
Darth Vader, check.
White Mr. T., fantastic.
Grimace, I don't know
why you're here.
Wow! Wookiee in
a wheelchair, check.
Congratulations, everybody.
This is a regular carnival
of shame.
- The Dark Side commands you
to relinquish
your ticket to me.
You've grown powerful,
young Skywalker.
Ow! Cut it out, you jerk!
- What are you staring at?
- Just wondering how it feels
to be an a-hole.
- I don't know,
just like I don't know
how it feels not to have
a ticket to the movie,
but I know someone who does.
Sucka ♪
Uh, excuse me.
Can, uh, can a real
ticket holder come in, please?
I'm getting harassed out here.
- I'll give you
20 bucks for it.
- Whoa, whoa.
You're kidding me, right?
- 30.
- All right,
we'll do this dance,
but you have to do something
for me. Kid, what's your name?
- My name's Manosh.
- Eh, that's too long.
I'm gonna call you M.
- Yeah, that wasn't
as entertaining as I
thought it would be.
Hmm.
What else can I have you do?
- Look, I ran around in circles
yelling, "I'm cuckoo for dudes,"
I went to the bathroom
in my pants,
and I did
100 pushups, twice.
Can I please have
the ticket now?
- Just one more thing.
Tell me if this is
a good idea for a movie.
A guy gets killed
and doesn't know he's a ghost
until the very end.
- I think that's a great idea.
- Yeah, nah, you know what?
Screw it. Give me 30 bucks
and you can have the ticket.
Boobie Land, here I come.
- E.T., I love you.
- Ah, I love you, too.
- I love you, whores,
and I love you, sluts.
[Sultry music playing,
donkey braying]
[Chime]
- What the [bleep]
are you doing?
Holy crap. How many of those
Pixy Stix have you had?
- That's not your concern,
my friend.
Your concern is arming me with
enough knowledge about "E.T."
so I can create the world's
greatest video game
with extreme prejudice.
- What? Your hands
are bleeding, dude.
- You will take me to
the conference room right now,
and you will tell me
about "E.T."!
- Um, right.
So "E.T." is about
this awesome alien
who comes to Earth,
and that's pretty much it.
Let's go, people.
- OK, what's the kid's name?
I need a name. I need a name.
I need the kid's name.
- Uh, um, um, Herman.
Yeah, Herman.
- Now, are there any snakes
in this movie?
- Yes.
In one scene,
E.T. fights a snake
to save the Jews.
- So what does E.T. do
on Earth?
- Um, well, I mean, he
fights kids with a light saber,
so that's good.
- Too much sugar.
- Why?
- Um, because he's searching for
the lost Ark of the Covenant,
and he has to melt the Nazi's
face off. That's how it works.
- Does he find
the Ark of the Covenant? ♪
- No. Instead,
he dresses up like a woman
so he can get an acting role
on a soap opera.
- Wait.
Who the [bleep] is E.T.?
- Th-then he has to fight
the Russians because they
won't let Herman dance
in the town where he lives
'cause Russians hate dancing.
- That doesn't make any sense,
and why do you smell
like whores?
- It takes one
to know one, bitch!
- Jerry.
- Aah! My nose!
I paid good money
for this nose!
- All right, everyone.
You heard the man.
- Alien goes shopping,
Ark of the Covenant,
dress like a woman.
Let's--let's rock and roll!
Lock and load!
[Video game music playing]
- Machine guns.
- Yes, OK, good, yes.
- Loves M&Ms.
- OK, a little more, yes.
- Hot Nazis.
- OK, yes, OK, good.
Now where do they go?
All right, give me more.
- He's from Dantooine,
hates kids, hates 'em.
Um, what else?
No, he can't fly, Dave.
- Howdy, boys.
Heh heh! You about done
with that game yet?
- We're almost done,
Mr. Larrity,
but we just need to add music.
I'm so tired.
- I figured as much.
That's why I want you
to meet a friend of mine.
Boys, uh, Neil Diamond.
Neil, get in here!
- Holy crap!
- Dave, did you just do that
'cause Neil Diamond's your idol?
- No, dude, I'm still
incredibly drunk.
- Neil just sold me the rights
to one of his crappy new songs
for $20,000.
- You told Neil Diamond
30, Mr. Larrity ♪
- I said 20,
you son of a bitch.
- Let's wrestle.
- Gosh darn it, Neil Diamond!
You have bested me.
30 it is.
- You mess with Diamond,
you gonna get cut ♪
- Here's your tape, gentlemen.
I'll see you later.
- "E.T. Lizard Creature & Me."
Perfect! You boys stick that
in the game somewhere.
- Dude, we actually did it!
- Dude, I know.
- This is gonna be the greatest
game of all time.
[Video game music playing]
- Upon my interstellar
knee ♪
- Lloyd spilled juice
- OhmyGod!
- It's not a problem.
- No problem?
This game is horrible!
Look at Benny.
- Man, very bad, man!
Too terrible!
- Dude, we just got
to make some tweaks.
- Yay! Congratulations,
you guys.
The truck just left.
The game will be in stores
within an hour.
Yay!
Ooh, is that
a joke version?
[Video game music playing]
- We are so [bleep].
- Guys, I just got back from
the first screening of "E.T."
You guys have to see it!
I'm not one for emotion
or anything, but
that little alien changed
the way I look at--
[Cries]
What is that turd?
- That is Dave
and Jerry's E.T. game.
- You!
How could you?
You don't know anything
about E.T.!
You don't love E.T.!
You didn't even see
the movie, did you?!
- OK, no, no, I didn't, and I
know that you're all mad at me
because I screwed up the game,
but you know what I did do?
I went to a strip club.
Do any of you know what
that means?
That means that I saw
naked women,
and they shook their asses
this close to my face for money.
Sure, I could have gone
to that movie, but then
I wouldn't have seen all
those naked women
at the strip club
with the boobs in my face.
Now ask yourselves,
can you blame me?
And isn't that what you would
have wanted me to do?
- Grr!
- Hmm.
- [Growls]
- Yeah, we've got
to stop that truck
before it drops all
those games off.
We'll take my car.
- Dave, you don't have a car.
You sold it to pay for
that 20-foot blow-up doll.
- Vijanta? She was awesome.
- Dave!
- I got it, man.
We'll steal Larrity's car.
- How could they?
- You really loved that alien,
didn't you, pal?
- Like a brother, bro.
- Can I share something
with you?
I also love
alien life forms.
- You do?
- Quickly, man!
Come with me.
I have something you must see!
- Yo, Todd, this van smells
like crotch, bro.
[Truck horn honks]
[Car horn honks]
- We got him. We got him, Dave.
We got him.
- Pull over!
- Aah!
- Aah!
[Siren]
- Oh, crap! What do we do?
- No prob.
- What do you mean?
The cops are on us!
- You forgettin' whose car
we're driving?
[Brakes screech]
Sweet ass!
- Dave, stop the car!
I think a lot of those
people might be dead!
- Ha ha! I got you now,
you bastard!
- Aah!
- Aah!
[Brakes screech]
- What the hell are you doing?
- We'll see who wins
this little game of chicken.
He goes by the name of me.
[Car horn honking]
- Aah!
- Heh heh!
As I thought.
- I pissed myself again.
- Ditto, mi amigo.
[Birds chirp]
Sorry, man, but we're gonna
have to take your rig.
- Say what?
- Don't make this ugly.
Just hand over the keys.
As you can see,
you're outnumbered by
a factor of two--aah!
Damn it!
- Aah!
- Aah!
- Now's our chance, man.
On the count of 3.
1, 2, 3.
[Bone cracks]
- Look, he took the keys,
and all my bones are broken.
- We don't need the keys.
Ow. We just need
to unhitch the trailer.
[Beep]
- Neil Diamond's little E.T. ♪
Neil Diamond's little E.T. ♪
E.T.-- ♪
[Chime]
[Chime]
- Well, if it isn't the team
who brought us the Ishtar
of video games.
- Ha ha ha ha!
That's funny
because "Ishtar" was
a big failure.
- Not to worry, ladies.
We stole the truckload of games,
all hundred thousand of them.
High-fives all around, and then,
Mary and, uh, Clare,
I'm gonna need a BJ
from the both of you.
- Truckload?
100,000?
That was just the first batch,
you jackholes!
We shipped over 4 million
of those things.
It's the biggest video game
shipment in history!
- Maybe the kids won't notice
that it sucks.
I mean, they're
just kids, right?
- Let's take a ride
in the ♪
- This sucks!
- And Lloyd spilled juice.
And Lloyd spilled juice.
- All over the universe ♪
- Ugh! This game
is giving me more cancer!
[Retches]
[Flat-line tone]
- [Scoffs]
E.T.?
They should have called
this game V.D.
- Oh, this is just great.
All I wanted was for
this game to be good.
God, that's all I asked for.
You made my parents
get divorced,
and you killed my baby sister,
and all I asked you was for this
game to kick ass! Thanks a lot!
- Yo, "E.T. the Game"
is terrible!
- Hmm. I guess they noticed
that it sucked.
- Oh, crap.
What do we do now?
- Get everybody inside now.
Hey, can you activate the
emergency security lockdown?
- Only the supervisor
can do that--
Dean?
- Oh, man,
where is that douchebag
when you need him?
- The signs are all around us.
[Wolf howling]
Signs that only I,
a genius, can see,
but signs nonetheless.
That ship passed
right outside my window.
I knew then that they wanted
to study my superior brain
and enormous genitals.
Look here.
Crop circles on my lawn.
- Actually, I think
Dave did that.
- Mmm, I doubt he'd have
the technological prowess
to accomplish something
of this magnitude,
but I think you see
my point.
I've spent the majority
of my adult life
reaching out to them, knowing
that they'll contact me someday.
Why do you think every time
my pager rings,
my nipples start lactating?
- Gross.
- Do you understand now why I
brought you here today, Dean?
- You're gonna kill me, right?
- No!
We're waiting for the ship!
I do this all the time.
They clearly want
to mate with me
to produce a superior race
of human-alien hybrids.
- OK, this has been really cool
and everything, but--
- Dean, they must be close!
- Holy crap!
What's that?
- There they are!
They're here
- Whoa!
- Mr. Larrity, we got
to get you outta here.
- Why is that, boys?
- There's an angry mob outside,
and they're calling for blood.
- I can see that, Jerry,
but I don't think
it's our blood they're
a-callin' for.
- They're heading
for Bellecovision?
[Mob clamoring]
- I don't get it.
- I take it you boys
didn't actually bother
to look
at any of those games
you hijacked.
That's right, boy.
I switched the sticker.
- I'd never thought
I'd say this, dude,
but you are a genius.
- Boys,
I don't have to be
a pig farmer
to know a cow turd
when I see it.
The second I saw
that so-called game,
I knew what I had to do.
- Mr. Larrity, first of all,
allow me to apologize--
- There's no apology
for stupid, boy.
Ask my son, Dean.
You boys hijacked a truck today,
and you stole my car.
- I know. You're probably
pissed at Jerry.
- Pissed?!
You boys took my car!
I'd be less pissed if you fed me
my own ass on a ciabatta!
Anyhow, all's well
that ends well.
Now, you two go make me
some more money,
and if you see that
good-for-nothin' son of mine,
tell him we're late to visit
his brother in jail.
- What?
- What?
- Y'all git gittin'! Hyah!
Hey, uh, uh, ugly girl,
have you seen Dean?
- Um, no, Wendy is the ugly one.
I'm the pretty one.
- All pigs look the same
from behind, darlin'.
- What happens now?
- Now, Dean,
they physically love us.
- What?
- Time to put the mustard on
the hot dog and steam the bun.
- What the [bleep]?
[Groaning]
- Don't fight it, Dean.
It's not sexual.
Ow! They're only
Don't close your eyes
or you'll miss it.
- [Muffled]
[Video game music playing]
- You're very welcome,
my enlightened friend.
I'm just glad that I could
facilitate your first contact.
- I didn't say thank you!
- You don't need to.
I can sense your gratefulness,
and I am humbled by it.
- Shut up and drive, douche.
[Van door closes]
- Could you please hand me
my ass cushion?
[Engine turns over,
back-up signal beeping]
- I can't believe
that fat douchebag waits
for us every single week,
and I can't believe I won't
see him for another week.
[Sobs]
I love him.
[Chime]
[Chime]
- Hey, Mr. Larrity, uh,
what are you doin' back here?
- I might ask the same
of you, boys.
- Oh, noth--
[coughs]--nothing.
- All right, boys, I know
you two can keep a secret
'cause if you don't,
I'll have you skinned
and mounted on my wall.
Come with me.
Almost e'ry single E.T. game
got returned,
over 3.99 million of 'em,
and this is where they'll stay
until the end of time.
- But what about
Steven Spielberg?
- Yeah.
Heh heh!
What about him, right, George?
I don't believe you boys
have met my good friend,
George Lucas.
- Hey, guys.
- Holy crapola! George Lucas!
- George here made
a little deal with me.
For $30 million, I told him
I'd help stop E.T.
- You said 20.
- I said 30, you son of a bitch.
- You said 20.
Wrestle!
- Aah!
- But why?
- Just a friendly little prank.
- Wait. So what
you're saying is
that I did a great thing
when I skipped the movie
and went to the strip club,
therefore helping you
to rob Spielberg
of millions of dollars
and the goodwill
of his fans.
- Like I said,
a friendly little prank.
- I'm not judgin'.
I'm just here to hang out.
- Well, we've got work
to do, so
- Take me with you,
please, he's insane ♪
- Get him, guards! He's got to
make that music video for me!
Lucas, you direct.
- Let's take a ride
in the spaceship ♪
Past the moon and the stars ♪
All over the universe,
stop by the Dagobahs ♪
Upon my interstellar knee,
we can bounce with glee ♪
Huh! Huh! Huh!
From star to star,
don't matter how far we are ♪
E.T. ♪
The lizard creature and me ♪
Neil Diamond's little E.T. ♪
I love you, E.T.!
E.T. ♪
I love you, E.T.
[Video game music plays,
elephant trumpets]
- Ah, I love you, too.