Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012) s01e02 Episode Script
Mad Man In A Death Machine
This is a 1967 Austin Healy 3000 in ice blue.
It has a straight-six, 150-horsepower engine.
This is a car if you wanna say, "I really love British sports cars.
And, damn it, I will go down with that ship if I have to.
" - Hello? - Ricky? - Who's that? - Jerry.
- How's it going? - What are you doing? - I think I got irritable bowel syndrome.
- Oh, God, that is irritating.
Yeah.
- You wanna grab a coffee? - Yeah.
I'm Jerry Seinfeld and this is Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.
My guest is my good friend, Ricky Gervais.
He's a very funny, silly, English comedian guy and he's just funny.
He makes me laugh.
- What do you think? - It's great.
- English.
- Is it? - "Is it"? - I don't know anything.
- You don't know anything about cars? - No.
- This the seatbelt? - What do you think? - I think it's a death trap.
- It is.
No way there's a little air bag in there, is there? There is, but you have to blow it up.
Quick, we're gonna crash.
Right.
I'm a very nervous passenger, so let's - Did you eat? - I had some cereal.
- That's so sweet.
- What? What kind of cereal? We can't be running out of stuff to talk about.
If we're going into detail on the cereal, we're struggling.
Look at this guy.
Nobody can explain why the homeless have such fabulous hair.
I love, "No one can explain.
" Scientists have been working around the clock for the last 25 years.
Spent billions of government dollars but not come up with anything.
Like, who commissioned this scientific study? Okay, here we go.
No, be sensible.
Oh, Jerry.
Jesus.
Sorry, are we in The Italian Job? Why are we doing this? Oh, no, that made it worse.
You Jerry! For sake! We're going 70 miles an hour.
We're not going 70.
Let's take the bus.
Oh, Jerry.
Oh, God.
Jerry, why is it so funny to frighten a grown man? Fear is funny.
- Fear is funny, yeah.
- Especially when it's not fake.
We're so used to fake fear.
- Everyone always acts scared - This is real, don't worry about it.
I'm in a tin bucket with no suspension.
Oh, Jesus.
When were you were this scared? Doing award shows and potentially ending my career That's my adrenaline rush.
I work for the Golden Globe committee and this entire thing is a ruse - to get you to do the show next year.
- Yeah.
And I'm just gonna keep driving you in this terrifying car until you agree.
Oh, God.
I think the first couple, they were sort of They were taken aback.
"Why is this Brit saying all these awful things to us?" And then by the third one, they go, "He's telling jokes.
I get it.
" What was the introduction for Mel Gibson? I like a drink as much as the next man unless the next man is Mel Gibson.
That's a great joke.
I like a joke that sneaks up on you like that.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
This company went out of business shortly after this car was made.
- You really are holding on seriously.
- Yeah.
It feels like I'm being dragged along in a tin bath.
That's what this feels like.
God, you have to turn around like an owl to see.
There is no mirror in this car.
Jerry, you can't There's a mirror here.
I see exactly what I'm doing.
- Oh, Christ.
- What are you worried about? What am I worried about? I was thinking maybe for the drive back we'd put the top down.
Whatever.
sake.
Oh, come on, Jerry, this is mental.
For sake, you don't need to do this.
We're going for coffee.
We're not going to diffuse a bomb, right? There's no need for this.
Even Jack Bauer had an hour, right? It's turned into a race now? It's like a scene from Ronin.
That was a good laugh to start the day.
My pain and suffering is for everyone else.
- I fall over for your amusement.
- Yes.
- Of course.
- Now you got it.
If someone's laughing, I've done my job.
- That's right.
- Yeah.
The funniest thing about the nervous passenger is that you think that that hand could possibly do something.
I know, yeah.
Jesus Christ.
And I'm an atheist.
If you weren't a part of, arguably the most successful sitcom of all time Why is it arguable? What's the argument? And who's arguing on the other side, I wanna know.
If you weren't as successful as you are Yeah? rich, famous, loved, okay? Please, go on.
You'd seem a bit like a maniac now.
This is what mad people do, drive and giggle at people's fear.
"Seinfeld wants you to do his show.
It's called Comedians Going for a Drive for Coffee.
" Oh, great.
"A man wants to drive you around New York, really fast in a death machine, laughing.
" Look.
"Welcome to City Island.
" - Look at the nautical environment.
- Lovely.
- This is great.
Come on.
- Yeah.
We've never been here.
You would never come here - if it wasn't for me.
- No.
I'm giving you a gift.
And I'm going to let you live, as well.
- You've given me the gift of life.
- The gift of life.
If you were in an electric chair, they would ask: "Do you have any last words?" How could you beat Gary Gilmore? His last words were, "Let's do it.
" - Really? - Yeah.
I really think the death penalty's too depressing to even think about.
I mean, I don't agree with it.
The state can show that sort of form of violence.
What about abortion? You agree with that? That's different, isn't it? I guess you can just arrange things the way you like them - when you're rich, famous, like you.
- Yeah.
Unlike you, who's just a guy with an old car going along the highway, laughing maniacally because someone feels they're about to die.
I should have said, "Let's do it," when I got in this car.
You guys want coffee? - I would love some.
- Just regular coffee with milk.
I'll have half and half.
Could I have two yellow eggs and two egg whites? What do you mean by that? You mean four eggs? - Two yolks and two whites.
- That's just two eggs.
- That's four eggs.
- Two yolks and two whites is two eggs.
What do you mean? - Two additional whites on top of - Right, so four whites and two yolks.
- Yeah, yeah.
- That's correct.
You're like a young king, aren't you? Things are kept from you.
But you just wanna do stuff.
They go: "He wants to drive around in a car.
" Someone said, "Let him drive around in a car.
" No, he wants to do it with celebrities.
With some friends he's seen on the telly.
Well, get their number.
Would you like some jelly for you toast? I'm fine, thanks.
That's great, thank you.
- How was your? - How were your eggs? What is the moment in history that you would like to witness in person? I'll tell you mine just to get the conversation rolling.
Gettysburg Address.
To have been in that crowd and heard the Gettysburg Address.
Churchill? Be there when he's crafting a speech? How about being in Hitler's bunker there as he's screaming? I'd be a bit nervous, but after that car journey Hitler doesn't scare me as much.
I'll be honest.
Thank you.
On the last day, the Russians were advancing they were 200 yards down the road.
He married Eva Braun, right? They had their cake and some champagne.
They retire to bed early.
In the morning, he poisoned her and shot himself.
And the gardener burned the bodies, right? Say what you will about Hitler that's a terrible honeymoon, isn't it? That's a crap honeymoon.
Funniest part of that joke is, "Say what you will about Hitler.
" I'm gonna go to the toilet and take a Valium for the journey back.
If that's okay? Right.
Okay.
Jesus, this is like freefalling.
I know, it's fantastic.
Don't you feel alive? - Yeah.
- Even if only for a few more minutes.
Shut up.
I bet you this car looks great.
I'm in heaven.
Do you think we look gay? - Least of my worries.
- We're in stylish sunglasses we got the top down, in a poncey roadster.
- Yeah.
- I think we look gay.
I imagine you saying that when our parachutes didn't open.
And I'm all nervous.
Oh, that's good.
"Do you think we look gay?" It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
Oh, God, I'm never gonna do this again.
What the ?
It has a straight-six, 150-horsepower engine.
This is a car if you wanna say, "I really love British sports cars.
And, damn it, I will go down with that ship if I have to.
" - Hello? - Ricky? - Who's that? - Jerry.
- How's it going? - What are you doing? - I think I got irritable bowel syndrome.
- Oh, God, that is irritating.
Yeah.
- You wanna grab a coffee? - Yeah.
I'm Jerry Seinfeld and this is Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.
My guest is my good friend, Ricky Gervais.
He's a very funny, silly, English comedian guy and he's just funny.
He makes me laugh.
- What do you think? - It's great.
- English.
- Is it? - "Is it"? - I don't know anything.
- You don't know anything about cars? - No.
- This the seatbelt? - What do you think? - I think it's a death trap.
- It is.
No way there's a little air bag in there, is there? There is, but you have to blow it up.
Quick, we're gonna crash.
Right.
I'm a very nervous passenger, so let's - Did you eat? - I had some cereal.
- That's so sweet.
- What? What kind of cereal? We can't be running out of stuff to talk about.
If we're going into detail on the cereal, we're struggling.
Look at this guy.
Nobody can explain why the homeless have such fabulous hair.
I love, "No one can explain.
" Scientists have been working around the clock for the last 25 years.
Spent billions of government dollars but not come up with anything.
Like, who commissioned this scientific study? Okay, here we go.
No, be sensible.
Oh, Jerry.
Jesus.
Sorry, are we in The Italian Job? Why are we doing this? Oh, no, that made it worse.
You Jerry! For sake! We're going 70 miles an hour.
We're not going 70.
Let's take the bus.
Oh, Jerry.
Oh, God.
Jerry, why is it so funny to frighten a grown man? Fear is funny.
- Fear is funny, yeah.
- Especially when it's not fake.
We're so used to fake fear.
- Everyone always acts scared - This is real, don't worry about it.
I'm in a tin bucket with no suspension.
Oh, Jesus.
When were you were this scared? Doing award shows and potentially ending my career That's my adrenaline rush.
I work for the Golden Globe committee and this entire thing is a ruse - to get you to do the show next year.
- Yeah.
And I'm just gonna keep driving you in this terrifying car until you agree.
Oh, God.
I think the first couple, they were sort of They were taken aback.
"Why is this Brit saying all these awful things to us?" And then by the third one, they go, "He's telling jokes.
I get it.
" What was the introduction for Mel Gibson? I like a drink as much as the next man unless the next man is Mel Gibson.
That's a great joke.
I like a joke that sneaks up on you like that.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
This company went out of business shortly after this car was made.
- You really are holding on seriously.
- Yeah.
It feels like I'm being dragged along in a tin bath.
That's what this feels like.
God, you have to turn around like an owl to see.
There is no mirror in this car.
Jerry, you can't There's a mirror here.
I see exactly what I'm doing.
- Oh, Christ.
- What are you worried about? What am I worried about? I was thinking maybe for the drive back we'd put the top down.
Whatever.
sake.
Oh, come on, Jerry, this is mental.
For sake, you don't need to do this.
We're going for coffee.
We're not going to diffuse a bomb, right? There's no need for this.
Even Jack Bauer had an hour, right? It's turned into a race now? It's like a scene from Ronin.
That was a good laugh to start the day.
My pain and suffering is for everyone else.
- I fall over for your amusement.
- Yes.
- Of course.
- Now you got it.
If someone's laughing, I've done my job.
- That's right.
- Yeah.
The funniest thing about the nervous passenger is that you think that that hand could possibly do something.
I know, yeah.
Jesus Christ.
And I'm an atheist.
If you weren't a part of, arguably the most successful sitcom of all time Why is it arguable? What's the argument? And who's arguing on the other side, I wanna know.
If you weren't as successful as you are Yeah? rich, famous, loved, okay? Please, go on.
You'd seem a bit like a maniac now.
This is what mad people do, drive and giggle at people's fear.
"Seinfeld wants you to do his show.
It's called Comedians Going for a Drive for Coffee.
" Oh, great.
"A man wants to drive you around New York, really fast in a death machine, laughing.
" Look.
"Welcome to City Island.
" - Look at the nautical environment.
- Lovely.
- This is great.
Come on.
- Yeah.
We've never been here.
You would never come here - if it wasn't for me.
- No.
I'm giving you a gift.
And I'm going to let you live, as well.
- You've given me the gift of life.
- The gift of life.
If you were in an electric chair, they would ask: "Do you have any last words?" How could you beat Gary Gilmore? His last words were, "Let's do it.
" - Really? - Yeah.
I really think the death penalty's too depressing to even think about.
I mean, I don't agree with it.
The state can show that sort of form of violence.
What about abortion? You agree with that? That's different, isn't it? I guess you can just arrange things the way you like them - when you're rich, famous, like you.
- Yeah.
Unlike you, who's just a guy with an old car going along the highway, laughing maniacally because someone feels they're about to die.
I should have said, "Let's do it," when I got in this car.
You guys want coffee? - I would love some.
- Just regular coffee with milk.
I'll have half and half.
Could I have two yellow eggs and two egg whites? What do you mean by that? You mean four eggs? - Two yolks and two whites.
- That's just two eggs.
- That's four eggs.
- Two yolks and two whites is two eggs.
What do you mean? - Two additional whites on top of - Right, so four whites and two yolks.
- Yeah, yeah.
- That's correct.
You're like a young king, aren't you? Things are kept from you.
But you just wanna do stuff.
They go: "He wants to drive around in a car.
" Someone said, "Let him drive around in a car.
" No, he wants to do it with celebrities.
With some friends he's seen on the telly.
Well, get their number.
Would you like some jelly for you toast? I'm fine, thanks.
That's great, thank you.
- How was your? - How were your eggs? What is the moment in history that you would like to witness in person? I'll tell you mine just to get the conversation rolling.
Gettysburg Address.
To have been in that crowd and heard the Gettysburg Address.
Churchill? Be there when he's crafting a speech? How about being in Hitler's bunker there as he's screaming? I'd be a bit nervous, but after that car journey Hitler doesn't scare me as much.
I'll be honest.
Thank you.
On the last day, the Russians were advancing they were 200 yards down the road.
He married Eva Braun, right? They had their cake and some champagne.
They retire to bed early.
In the morning, he poisoned her and shot himself.
And the gardener burned the bodies, right? Say what you will about Hitler that's a terrible honeymoon, isn't it? That's a crap honeymoon.
Funniest part of that joke is, "Say what you will about Hitler.
" I'm gonna go to the toilet and take a Valium for the journey back.
If that's okay? Right.
Okay.
Jesus, this is like freefalling.
I know, it's fantastic.
Don't you feel alive? - Yeah.
- Even if only for a few more minutes.
Shut up.
I bet you this car looks great.
I'm in heaven.
Do you think we look gay? - Least of my worries.
- We're in stylish sunglasses we got the top down, in a poncey roadster.
- Yeah.
- I think we look gay.
I imagine you saying that when our parachutes didn't open.
And I'm all nervous.
Oh, that's good.
"Do you think we look gay?" It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
Oh, God, I'm never gonna do this again.
What the ?