Coming Up (2012) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Ben.
Benny! Bender! Wake up! Oh, it's night-time! No It's dark.
Well, it's winter! Can I? It's half-five, Lump.
Oh, what are you doing in my room? Looking for you.
What are you doing in my house, though? I jiggled the latch.
You know, like your mum showed us when I swallowed your key? Can you make me some breakfast? My dad's hid all the food yeah, he said I've got to lose a few.
Five more minutes, please.
I've only had a Petit Filous.
Like, I missed you, when you know, when you was away.
Mmm Yeah.
Seems like ages since we, like, you know, properly You actually hungry or just? I'll get you some Ricicles.
Oh, for fuck's sake! Hello, you! Hiya, Sister.
Come here, come here, and you, Lump - group hug! Hello, Sister! We're a bit early, sorry - Bill said it were He said he didn't want no help.
Ah.
Oh, Christ.
Are you are you all right, up there, Bill? He's fine, I think.
Shall we, erm? Er, yeah, who's doing? Ben cakes, Lump tombola - that all right? Yeah.
Yeah.
You all right, love? Is this for the? Yeah.
Any news? About? No? Not to worry.
Perhaps it's just not the right one this time for you.
What was it? Erm It was for a a f-florist? And a an abattoir.
No.
You mustn't get down, love.
No.
Dad said I'm to sign up.
You know - "be the best" and all that.
Oh? Said if I haven't got a job by New Year, then Yeah.
Well, what doyouthink? Don't know.
Said he's going to kick me out, so Something will come your way, love.
Yeah.
What do you reckon? Dunno.
Maybe.
Oh, sod it, why not? Hark The Herald Angels Sing Mate, I think I've messed up.
Sorry? I've fucked up on the tombola.
Ah, it looks fine.
- But no-one's winning.
- Ha! Good! No, I I think I messed up with the tickets.
I put the tickets on the things, and tickets into the barrel, but I've not put the the things into the barrel, so And I've lost all the tickets now and all.
Bill normally does tombola.
Where is Bill? Sod this.
- That's typical, that.
- What? Yours goes half-way to bloody America, mine just sinks.
What? No, just This is the North Sea.
It doesn't go to America.
North America, then.
What's up? What? Are you bored? 'Course not, Lump! Well, what's up, then? No, it's What is it? I just What? Texted someone, and thought he'd text back, but he hasn't, so Fuckin'? What? Ben What? - You've got a fuckin' boyfriend, haven't you? - Don't be daft! Yeah, you have, let me see.
No, it's! Show me! No.
Get ya! I don't! Sent messages Mark.
"I miss you - xx" Ha-ha! It's about time.
Mark, though, you know Sounds fit.
He's all right, yeah.
Yeah, well, ring him, then.
What? - Don't just wait around waiting for him to ring you.
- I know, I just texted him and he's a bit funny about that.
Suppose it makes sense now.
What? Me being here thinking you were bored and hating it, and all this time you were just shagging! That's good.
Yeah? Yeah, erm I'm pleased for you.
Really, really pleased.
Cheers.
I mean, you don't seem that pleased.
No, I am.
I I really am, it's just I went down to the Jobcentre to see Danny.
He all right? Well, no, not really, he's been replaced by a touch screen.
You know, there's there's nothing.
And now, it You know what I mean? You said you'd be back by Bonfire Night, and I ended up just sat here on the beach on my own, with a sparkler.
I mean, that was shit.
You'll be all right.
Mmm.
You will! - Look, Sister Margaret will - What? I'm not going to take careers advice from a nun, am I? Right.
I'm off anyway.
See you in a bit.
In a bit.
Pop round tomorrow for a mince pie.
You must do, Bill, you must! Everything all right? Bill? Oh, he's overdone it.
Found him passed out by a box of baubles.
You don't need a stand-in, do you, because Lump could? It's not what he needs, really.
The thing about Bill - he's a liability but he does it for free, so Lump will get there, Ben.
Just takes time.
- You tell his dad that.
- Would it help? Doubt it.
Just be his friend, Ben - the rest will Anyway, raised a bit for the buffet! New Year's Eve's looking up! Ace! Thought I'd just go mental in Aldi.
Fuckin' hell.
This is nice! Happy Christmas, eh? Still bent? Very much so.
Lump in? This is pretty.
It's from my dad, for Christmas.
Mmm.
I thought probably.
I got some Tupperware and a thermal vest feels like I'm in the menopause! Anyway, I got you Cheers, mate.
It's all right.
No, you keep 'em.
What? Give 'em to thingy, Mark, for New Year.
Can we not, Lump? He'd love 'em.
Doubt it.
Probably would.
I got them for you.
Well, I'm joining the Army, Ben.
You know, I've got to man up.
Like my sister.
Oh, please don't! What? Don't sign up! - Why? - Because Because you know, you'll die! - Oh, yeah, cheers! - No I don't mean it in It's just You struggle with a tombola.
Going to war is just as hard as a tombola, I promise.
Don't be a dick, Ben.
Sorry.
It's all all right for you.
You know, you're all right out there in the world, all your opportunities and your fuckin' broad horizons and that.
I'm in Sheffield! Reckon I could get a job at a tip.
- It doesn't mean you have to - My dad's kicking me out, Ben.
There must be something you can I can I can sign up! Summat else, summat less I can leave.
You can't, though.
I can, I can go.
Right, go where? Anywhere.
Lump, I don't think you can I'm actually really capable, Ben, so You know? I-I'm not a joke.
I'm not a joke! You don't want to, though, do you? Leave? Well, maybe, yeah! Maybe! You're not the only one who can get on a bus, Ben.
I know.
Right, anyway.
Yeah Happy Christmas.
Going somewhere nice? Hopefully.
You just seem a bit out of sorts.
"We should talk after Christmas.
" What do you reckon? Do you like this lad? A lot? Oh, shit.
I just don't think we're that good sort of Got me this.
Doesn't exactly scream true love, does it? A chocolate penis.
I wrote him a little poem - haiku.
I feel like a right tit.
Might make a brew, or a coffee? Hot chocolate? I think we've got some fruity tea or some lemon and ginger.
Brandy, maybe? I'm all right, love.
Oh, Vimto? Oh, I'd love a Vimto.
I saw Lump earlier.
Right.
Thought you might be with him.
Funny really, where would he be going with his bags all packed? What? This afternoon, heading for the coast road.
Shit.
Is he all right? Yeah, sort of.
I know where he'll be going, it's just Shall I speak to his dad? If you like.
Peace be with you too, sir! Can I come in? It's a one-man tent, really.
I'm skinny.
Is this gravy? I couldn't find any tea.
Brought you my thermal vest.
It won't fit.
Please have it.
Have you any more than a thermal vest, Ben? You know you can stay at mine.
There's no room, is there? Kip on the sofa.
Your sister hates me.
She doesn't.
She does.
Every time she sees me, she cries.
She'd get used to you.
Well, I'm fine here.
You do look fine.
You know, I missed you when I was I did! You've got Mark and that now, big deal.
I haven't, actually.
What? I think he's sort of dumping me.
No? He's texted back and it's not good.
Sorry.
No, it's It's quite shit, you know, uni.
I've only got two mates and one of them's a dick.
Two mates is enough.
You know, I don't get why people leave.
I like it.
You know, it's just Shit! Sister Margaret? Shit.
I'm going to go to sleep.
Right you are, love.
Night.
Night.
Oh, no.
Don't be miserable.
Come on, grumpy! Does anyone need sugar? Yes, please.
Really sorry.
How many? Two, please.
Right, Ben? I've been thinking about this Mark.
Yeah? To be honest, I think he sounds a bit of a twat.
Maybe.
Just so you know, if I was, you know, I definitely would, like.
Cheers.
And you'd probably be my first choice.
I mean, it'd be you or Dermot O'Leary.
Just didn't think I'd be ending the year with, you know a broken heart.
Mate, if it makes you feel any better, I'm going to be ending mine unemployed and living with a nun, so It does a bit.
Let's sparkle.